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JOURNALS  AND  LETTERS 


THE  REV.  HENRY  MARTYN,  B.  D. 

LATB   PILLOW  OP  8T.  JOHN*S  rOLLBOB,  CAMBRIDOK  ;   AND  CHAPLAIN  TO 
THB   HONOl'RABLB   BA8T   INDIA  COMPANY. 


EDITED  BY 


THE  REV.  S.  WILBERFORCE,  M.  A. 

BBCTOR  OF  BRIOHSTONB. 


*  NKMl»   DITIUR  Wi   KST,   Ql*l   Sl'lT  SKSB   KT  OMNIA   RBLINQrBRB." 

TilOMAS    A     KF.vTIMs 


IN  TWO  VOLUMES. 
VOL.  L 


PUBLISHED  BY  R.  B.  SEELEY  AND  W.  BURNSIDE  : 

AND  SOLD  BY  L.  AND  G.  SEELEY, 

FLEET  STREET,  LONDON. 

MDCCCXXXVIL 


PRINTKO  BY 
L.   AND   ti.   .<IKSLr\\  THAM1.S   DITTON,   AVRREY. 


INTRODUCTION. 


The  following  volume  consists  of  further,  and  often 
more  continuous  selections  from  the  journals  and  letters 
of  Mr.  Martyn,  than  have  yet  been  published.  In 
compressing  into  one  volume  the  biographical  notice 
of  this  eminent  servant  of  God,  it  was  necessary  to 
omit  a  great  variety  of  interesting  materials.  So  fiiU 
indeed  were  his  journals  and  letters,  that  it  was  not 
possible  to  insert  nearly  all  which  threw  light  upon  his 
character  and  conduct.  When,  however,  the  deep  inte- 
rest of  the  Christian  world,  in  the  history  of  Henry 
Martyn,  had  been  evidenced  by  the  rapid  sale  of  ten 
editions  of  his  life,  it  seemed  scarcely  right  to  suppress 
for  ever,  all  those  stores  of  instruction  which  remained 
unemployed.  Then  it  was  that  the  preparation  of  a 
volume  of  the  character  of  that  now  presented  to  the 
reader  was  first  conceived  :  one  which  should  not  in 
any  way  interfere  with  the  plan  of  the  admirable  work 
which  relates  his  life:  but  should  contain  some  of 
those  portions  of  his  letters  and  journals,  which  neces- 
sity had  before  excluded  ;  and  which  throw  new  interest 
around  those  already  published,  by  exhibiting  them  in 
their  natural  connection.  One  most  interesting  set  of 
letters,  which  were  deemed  unfit  for  publication  during 
the  life-time  of  her  to  whom  they  were  addressed, 
have  been  set  free  by  her  death,  and  were  by  her  will 
bequeathed  for  this  purpose,  if  it  should  be  judged 
expedient  so  to  use  them.  It  was  accordingly  the 
intention  of  the  narrator  of  Mr.  Martyn  s  life,  to  have 

B 


2  INTRODUCTION. 

published  such  a  volume  ;  its  preparation  was  prevented 
by  that  sudden  summons  which  called  him  into  his 
master's  presence. 

There  need  not,  he  trusts,  be  expressed  by  the  Editor 
of  this  volume,  any  declaration  of  his  deep  sense  of  the 
comparative  unfitness  for  the  task,  of  him,  upon  whom 
its  performance  has  devolved.  He  will  say  nothing 
upon  this  subject.  There  are  some  feelings  which  are 
wrought  into  the  very  texture  of  the  mind,  with  too 
much  vividness  to  bear  expression.  That  the  intimate 
friend  of  Henry  Martyn  should  become  his  biographer  ; 
that  one  whose  mind  was  distinguished  by  the  same 
refined  delicacy,  and  whose  soul  was  equally  penetrated 
with  the  same  divine  grace ;  should  delineate  his  por- 
traiture, was  eminently  fit:  and  the  execution  of  the 
work  attests  this  appropriateness.  For  it  is  impossible 
to  separate  in  the  reader's  mind,  the  name  of  Martyn 
from  that  of  his  biographer ;  the  author  from  his  sub- 
ject ;  the  character  he  draws  from  that  which  he  evinces  ; 
in  showing  another  he  displays  himself;  ^  and  hence  it 
were  almost  an  unlawful  action  to  attempt  to  dissever 
these  names,  united  together  in  the  reverend  affection 
of  Christian  men's  remembrance.  From  the  possibility 
of  such  a  thought,  the  Editor  of  the  present  volume 
would  revolt,  and  he  desires  therefore  to  give  it  to 
the  world  merely  as  a  supplement  to  Henry  Martyn's 
memoir.  He  has  endeavoured  in  these  extracts,  to  adopt 
the  tone  maintained  throughout  *  the  Life:'  to  exhibit 
the  character  of  their  writer,  not  to  compose  a  eulogy 
upon  him ;  he  does  not  therefore  necessarily  approve 
of  every  sentiment  contained  in  these  journals,  but  he 
retains  them  in  the  volume,  because  they  throw  light 
upon  the  peculiar  trials  and  dispositions  of  Henry 
Martyn.     With  these  feelings  on  his  mind,  he  cannot 

*  This  is  no  less  true  of  that  volume,  *  the  Memoirs  of  Mr.  Thomason/ 
which  was  the  production  of  the  two  last  years  of  his  life ;  and  which  is 
prepared  with  even  more  skill  and  beauty  than  his  first  publication.  Few 
materiah  indeed  can  be  equal  to  those  afforded  by  the  Journals  of  Henry 
Martyn. 


INTRODUCTION.  3 

deem  it  out  of  place,  to  attempt  to  give  here  a  slight, 
and  therefore  it  must  be,  an  imperfect  sketch,  of  the 
character  of  him  whom  God  has  lately  taken  to  himself. 
The  church  has  ever  gathered  up  with  duteous  care,  the 
ashes  of  those  who  having  **  fought  a  good  fight,  and 
kept  the  faith,"  have  finished  joyfully  their  earthly 
course.  She  stores  up  for  her  children  the  memory  of 
their  example  ;  and  it  were  not  meet  that  this  saint  of 
Grod  should  be  taken  from  us,  and  no  record  of  his 
faith  and  love  remain.  The  circumstances  of  life  in 
which  his  lot  was  cast,  the  sphere  of  those  duties  from 
which  he  never  wandered,  were  not  of  a  character  to 
supply  events  or  incidents  for  a  continuous  narrative. 
He  walked  in  the  low  valley  where  the  pastures  of  God's 
presence  are  often  the  greenest,  where  the  dews  of  his 
spirit  fall  in  richest  and  most  fertilizing  abundance, 
and  where,  if  any  where  upon  earth,  the  notes  of  purer 
beings  might  still  be  heard  to  float  upon  the  air,  and 
blend  with  the  praises  of  the  children  of  men.  But  in 
such  a  course  there  is  little  to  catch  the  world's  eye,  or 
excite  its  interest.  Although  the  work  in  which  he  is 
engaged  is  really  the  greatest  and  most  enduring  in  its 
consequences,  of  any  for  which  this  world  is  the  ap- 
pointed theatre,  yet  the  name  of  the  Christian  minister 
is  not  associated  with  events  of  earthly  magnitude.  Still 
the  mere  sketch  of  such  a  character  will  be  deeply  inter- 
esting to  many ;  and  that  sacredness  which  belongs  to 
the  closing  scene  of  a  Christian's  life,  when,  upon  the 
brink  of  eternity,  he  sees  what  is  concealed  from  \\s ; 
when  (as  he  stands  upon  the  heights  which  overlook  the 
future,)  the  light  of  the  heavenly  world  is  fast  rising  on 
his  eyes, — may  call  for  a  short  account  of  the  last  stage 
of  his  journey  heavenward. 

John  Sargent,  the  eldest  son  of  John  Sargent,  Esq. 
of  Lavington,  in  Sussex,  and  Charlotte  his  wife,  was 
bom  on  the  8th  day  of  October,  1780.  He  was  edu- 
cated at  Eton :  and  was  there  remarkable  amongst  his 
contemporaries,  for  uniting  a  decided  superiority  in  the 
manly  sports  of  the  play-ground,   with  high  classical 

B  2 


4  INTRODUCTION. 

attainments.  From  Eton  he  removed  to  King's  Col- 
lege, Cambridge,  where,  through  God's  blessing,  the 
Rev.  C.  Simeon  was  made  the  instrument  of  first  leading 
him  to  serious  views  of  religion.  Under  his  guidance, 
and  that  of  the  late  Rev.  'Fhomas  Lloyd,  he  was  gradu«* 
ally  nurtured  and  strengthened  in  the  ways  of  God.  For 
both  of  them  he  preserved,  through  life,  a  reverend 
affection  :  maintaining  with  the  one  an  unbroken  friend- 
ship ;  and  cherishing  a  grateful  veneration  for  the 
memory  of  the  other.  He  quitted  Cambridge  in  the 
year  1802,  and  entering  at  the  Temple,  set  out  in  that 
path  which  appeared  to  be  marked  out  for  him  by  the 
providence  of  God. 

As  the  heir  to  the  family  estate  and  its  future  repre- 
sentative in  his  native  county,  it  was  the  desire  of  those, 
to  whose  wishes  he  deemed  it  a  duty  to  yield,  that  he 
should  follow  the  profession  of  the  law.  His  own  heart 
longed  for  a  more  entire  dedication  of  his  powers  to  the 
Redeemer's  work  than  was  possible  in  a  course  of  life 
mainly  conversant  with  earthly  things.  Yet  having 
judged  upon  mature  reflection  that  such  was  at  the  time 
his  duty,  in  the  true  spirit  of  Christian  submission  he 
set  himself  resolutely  to  its  performance.  It  was  not 
indeed  without  many  painful  struggles  that  he  arrived 
at  this  conclusion.  -« 

The  bent  of  his  soul  towards  the  sacred  profession 
was  peculiarly  strong.  How  far  was  he  bound  to  listen 
in  it  for  a  *' call  from  God?''  How  far  to  submit 
these  holy  desires  to  the  wishes  of  parental  authority  ? 
He  weighed  the  apparently  conflicting  claims  of  duty; 
and  acted  without  hesitation  upon  his  matured  convic- 
tion. In  a  letter  written  at  this  time  to  an  intimate 
friend  he  thus  describes  what  had  been  passing  in  his 
mind.  '  I  do  not  wonder  at  your  wishing  that  I  had 
chosen  decidedly  to  enter  the  church.  But  what  could 
I  do  ?  Could  I  indeed  have  been  assured  that  it  was 
God's  will  that  I  should  serve  him  as  a  minister,  were 
it  to  preach  to  the  wild  Indians,  nothing  should  stand  in 
the  way.     But  I  thought  Mr.  Simeon's  observation  just, 


INTRODUCTION.  5 

**  You  are  certain  that  you  are  acting  according  to  your 
duty  in  obeying  the  wishes  of  your  father.*'  Whereas 
I  could  not  say  so  in  the  other  case.  What  painful 
fluctuations  of  mind  I  have  suffered  upon  this  occasion 
is  not  to  be  described :  under  pain  of  body  or  loss  of 
friends  we  clearly  see  that  resignation  is  our  duty  ;  but 
here  I  was  tossed  about  for  a  long  time  without  being 
able  to  satisfy  myself,  upon  a  point  of  such  importancci 
what  was  my  duty.  Yet  under  this  disquietude,  I  com- 
mitted my  way  unto  the  Lord,  and  I  have  not  a  doubt 
but  that  he  will  be  with  me,  and  somehow  or  other, 
make  me  in  some  little  degree  instrumental  in  pro- 
moting his  glory.  Indeed  you  have  no  idea  of  what  I 
have  felt.  No  one  who  has  not  been  in  a  similar  situ- 
ation can  form  any  notion  of  it. 

*  My  decision  will,  I  trust,  be  approved  of  by  my 
heavenly  Father.  My  one  desire  has  been,  if  my  heart 
has  not  deceived  me,  to  do  his  will,  and  to  devote 
myself  entirely  to  his  honour  and  glory.  I  shall  be 
happy  wherever  I  am,  if  I  can  assure  myself  that  I  am 
serving  him  in  the  way  which  he  ordained  me  to  walk 
in.  Do  not  forget  I  beseech  you  to  pray  for  me,  that 
the  love  of  Jesus  may  attend  me,  and  his  right  hand 
lead  me  through  the  perils  of  the  profession  I  am 
entering.  When  I  look  at  the  corruption  and  weak- 
ness of  my  own  heart  I  tremble ;  when  I  behold  the 
power  and  willingness  to  save  all  to  the  uttermost  who 
come  to  him,  which  is  in  Jesus,  I  rejoice.' 

Worldly  business  undertaken  in  this  spirit,  and  con- 
ducted on  these  principles,  was  not  likely  to  endanger 
the  spirituality  of  his  soul.  The  ungenial  atmosphere 
which  hangs  over  the  seats  of  legal  strife  and  the  bust- 
ling scenes  of  earthly  business  could  inflict  little  injury 
on  him  who  had  such  a  talisman  within.  The  state 
of  mind  evinced  by  his  letters  at  this  time  justifies  a 
record  of  this  date  in  the  journal  of  Henry  Martyn, 
'  Sargent  seems  to  be  outstripping  us  all.' 

At  no  very  distant  period,  however,  it  pleased  God, 
who  had  thus  tried  the  submissive  faith  of  his  servant. 


6  INTRODUCTION. 

by  calling  upon  him  to  give  up  those  desires  which 
were  the  strongest  in  his  soul,  to  open  to  him  the  path 
which  he  longed  to  tread.  The  objections  of  those  to 
whose  wishes  he  thought  it  a  duty  to  yield,  were  re- 
moved by  altered  circumstances ;  he  quitted  that  profes- 
sion upon  which  in  obedience  to  their  desires  he  had 
entered,  and  prepared  himself  for  undertaking  that  holy 
office  to  which  his  own  inclinations  had  always  been 
so  strongly  directed.  In  the  years  1805  and  1806  he 
was  successively  ordained  deacon  and  priest.  He  en- 
tered upon  his  ministry  with  the  cure  of  Graffham  in 
Sussex ;  which,  with  the  small  contiguous  parish  of 
Lavington,  formed  to  the  end  the  scene  of  his  ministe- 
rial labours.  Here  with  patient  perseverance  he  conti- 
nued for  years  **  to  do  the  work  of  an  Evangelist,'* 
amongst  those  whom  God  had  committed  to  him.  His 
whole  heart  was  given  up  to  that  ministry  wherewith  he 
had  been  entrusted.  To  be  made  an  instrument  of 
usefulness  in  God's  hands — to  be  **  a  fellow-worker  with 
God "  in  promoting  the  eternal  happiness  of  the  souls 
committed  to  him,  was,  through  the  whole  of  his  life,  his 
single  object.  And  it  was  this  active  principle,  under 
the  regulation  of  a  well-instructed  conscience,  which 
animated  him  to  unwearied  exertions  in  an  obscure,  and 
in  many  respects,  unkindly  portion  of  his  Lord's  vine- 
yard. There  was  in  his  charge  nothing  which  minis- 
tered to  the  gratification  of  earthly  motives.  His  lot 
was  cast  amongst  the  ignorant  and  unpolished.  Amongst 
those  who  could  not  appreciate  his  classical  elegance 
of  mind,  or  enter  into  the  exquisite  sensibility  of  his 
affection  ;  they  were  the  '*few  sheep  in  the  wilder- 
ness ;  "  but  in  them  he  recognized  those  for  whom 
Christ  shed  his  blood,  and  for  them  therefore  he  was 
content  to  labour,  **  to  spend  and  to  be  spent,"  and  yet 
neither  be  faint  nor  slothful.  The  spirit  which  breathes 
in  a  letter  descriptive  of  his  first  entering  upon  his 
ministry  amongst  them  was  never  abated  by  weariness 
or  disappointment.  *  I  have  already,  as  I  told  you,  en- 
tered upon  my  ministerial  labours.     My  parishes  are 


INTRODUCTION.  7 

small,  but  I  find  that  a  small  parish  will  produce  ample 
occupation  for  a  minister,  if  he  is  inclined  to  seek  for  it. 
The  generality  of  my  parishioners,  from  what  I  have 
seen  and  from  what  I  hear  from  the  present  curate,  are 
very  ignorant  of  the  true  foundation  on  which  to 
build,'  &c. 

Nor  were  there  wanting  peculiar  ministerial  trials  in 
this  secluded  situation.  There  was  a  false  spirit  of  reli- 
gion prevalent  amongst  his  people,  which  was  through 
the  whole  of  his  ministry  a  source  of  continual  rebuke 
and  suffering  to  his  godly  soul.  Antinomian  on  prin- 
ciple and  in  practice,  they  withstood  continually  the 
word  of  life  ;  perverted  unstable  souls,  and  with  sdl  the 
insolence  of  spiritual  pride,  continually  wounded  his 
naturally  sensitive  heart. 

In  the  letter  which  has  been  already  quoted  as 
describing  his  entrance  upon  the  ministry,  he  gives  the 
foUowing  account  of  this  section  of  his  flock.  *  Some 
few  are  fanatical ;  disciples  of  Huntington.  They  came 
to  hear  me  the  first  time  I  preached ;  whether  they  will 
continue  I  cannot  say.  The  preacher  amongst  them, 
who  makes  my  shoes,  upon  being  asked  his  opinion 
of  me,  said,  "  that  he  thought  I  should  be  enabled  to 
declare  the  truth,"  that  is,  he  thinks  me  a  promising 
youBg  man.     One  of  them  the  other  day  speaking  of 

Mr. ,  the  curate,  said,  "  he  had  no  particular  fault 

to  find  with  the  man,  but  he  did  not  think  him  quite 
"  free  in  the  liberty ;"  upon  my  desiring  an  explanation 
of  that  expression,  he  simplified  the  assertion  by  affirm- 
ing that  he  was  rather  **  in  bondage,"  rather  '*  under 
the  yoke."  They  have  a  jargon  and  cant  of  their  own, 
to  be  ignorant  of  which,  in  their  estimation,  is  to  be 
carnally-minded  and  unregenerate.  God  alone  can 
enable  me  to  be  useful  either  to  these  deluded  people 
or  the  other  part  of  my  flock.  I  am  sensible  that  the 
grace  of  our  Saviour  can  alone  give  that  singleness  of 
heart  and  spirituality  of  mind  which  characterizes  his 
people  at  all  times."  I  should  wish  to  be  more  sensible 
of  my  weakness  in  myself,  and  of  my  strength  in  Jesus.' 


8  INTRODUCTION. 

Such  was  the  character  of  the  flock  to  which  the 
Great  Head  of  the  Church  confined  those  labours,  for 
which  human  wisdom  would  have  selected  a  very  diflfe- 
rent  sphere.  And  such,  in  its  general  features,  it  conti- 
nued through  a  period  of  twenty-five  years,  which  he 
spent  amongst  them.  He  was  indeed  cheered  by  wit- 
nessing amongst  his  people  many  individual  instances 
of  altered  conduct  and  renewed  affections ;  he  com* 
mitted  the  bodies  of  many  to  the  grave  ^  in  sure  and 
certain  hope  of  the  resurrection  to  eternal  life,'  and  with 
good  grounds  for  trusting  that  they  would  be  *'his 
crown  and  rejoicing  at  the  appearing  of  the  Lord 
Jesus  Christ."  But  his  discouragements  were  never 
intermitted;  the  careless  sinfulness  of  some,  and  the 
delusive  profession  of  others,  were  always  a  burden  to 
his  soul — still  they  were  the  object  of  his  unwearied 
solicitude.  The  health  of  different  members  of  his 
family  took  him  often  from  home  for  a  season,  and  led 
to  the  exercise  of  his  ministry  in  more  populous  and 
instructed  places.  In  these  he  was  always  courted  and 
admired ;  and,  (which  to  him  was  a  far  severer  trial  than 
that  applause  which  is  the  common  food  of  vanity,)  he 
found  in  them,  kindred  minds  able  to  return  his  warm 
affection,  and  "  esteem  him  very  highly  in  love  for  his 
work's  sake."  In  them,  above  all,  he  was  not  seldom 
permitted  to  see  the  palpable  effect  of  his  "  work  and 
labour  of  love.'*  And  yet  from  these  more  inviting 
occupations  he  returned  always  readily  and  cheerfully  to 
his  own  appointed  task — neither  envying  the  charge  of 
others,  nor  sliunbering  in  his  own.  To  know  that  such 
a  man  continued  with  such  effects  the  unintermitted 
labours  of  a  holy  life,  may  give  encouragement  to  many 
who  are  pressed  down  with  the  apparent  fruitlessness 
of  their  ministerial  work.  It  displays  most  strikingly 
the  submissive  activity  which  is  the  true  frame  for 
Christian  usefulness  ;  as  far  apart  from  slothfnlness  as 
from  that  bustling  love  of  action  which  will  scarcely 
suffer  good  to  be  effected  by  anothe^'s  efforts. 

The  same  sound  and  sober  habit  of  mind  was  evinced 


INTRODUCTION.  9 

ID  the  whole  complexion  of  his  ministerial  character. 
Deep  and  reverend  was  his  affection  for  that  branch  of 
Christ's  church,  from  which  in  infancy  he  had  received 
the  sacred  mystery  of  baptism,  and  with  whose  holy 
orders  he  was  now  invested.  There  was  a  marked  diff- 
erence on  this  point  between  his  judgment  and  feelings, 
and  those  of  some  whose  ardent  piety  he  most  highly 
esteemed^  and  with  whom  he  was  constantly  connected 
in  active  efforts  for  the  spread  of  God's  word  and 
kingdom.  Never,  in  this  age  of  various  and  unbounded 
religious  excitement  was  he  led  astray  from  the  path 
of  Christian  sobriety.  The  dazzling  light  of  novelty  had 
no  charms  for  him.  In  the  province  of  religion  the 
suggestions  of  the  imagination  were  at  once  and  unhesi- 
tatingly submitted  to  the  scrutiny  of  a  sober  and  search- 
ing judgment ;  he  was  strong  in  the  irresistible  strength 
of  a  humble  simplicity. 

Some  extracts  from  two  of  his  letters  upon  points 
which  have  of  late  been  often  agitated  amongst  Chris- 
tians, will  well  illustrate  this  sober  and  established  judg- 
ment. The  first  was  in  answer  to  a  friend  who  con- 
sulted him  under  some  scruples  of  mind,  as  to  the 
propriety  of  subscribing  before  entering  at  college,  his 
assent  to  the  Athanasian  creed.  The  second  relates  to 
the  partial  separation  proposed  in  the  Bible  Society. 

To  the  first  he  writes  thus  :  '  I  confess  that  I  have 
never  felt  all  the  difiiculties  that  present  themselves  to 
the  minds  of  some  good  and  able  men.  I  read  in 
the  New  Testament  that  *'  he  that  bdieveth  not  shall 
be  damned."  Must  I  not  say  Amen,  to  this  declaration 
of  my  Saviour  ?  There  can  be  'no  doubt  upon  that 
point.  But  then,  what  is  that  belief,  the  rejection  of 
which  is  damnation  ?  Some  will  say,  *  A  belief  in  the 
existence  and  unity  of  God.'  Others  will  add,  *  A  belief 
in  the  existence  and  mission  of  Jesus  Christ.'  Others 
will  proceed  further  and  say,  *  A  belief  in  that  God,  in 
whose  name  those  who  believe  are  to  be  baptized,  the 
Father,  the  Son,  and  the  Holy  Ghost.'  Now,  may  I 
say  Amen  to  the  first  assertion,  and  be  deemed  chari- 


10  INTRODUCTION. 

table  ?  and  may  I  say  Amen  to  the  second  assertion, 
and  still  be  deemed  charitable  ?  But  when  I  affix  my 
Amen  to  the  third  assertion,  am  I,  who  believe  the  one 
God  to  be  distinguished  by  a  three-fold  personality, 
expressly  revealed,  and  commanded  to  be  .acknow- 
ledged,— to  be  exclaimed  against  as  uncharitable  and 
unscriptural  ?  If  any  man  object  to  the  terms  used  in 
the  Athanasian  creed,  let  him  find  better  if  he  can — but 
if  he  objects  to  any  terms  except  such  as  are  to  be  found 
expressly  in  the  word  of  God,  let  him  state  how  it  is 
possible  to  devise  a  form  of  words,  which,  as  a  symbol, 
shall  be  sufficiently  clear  to  detect  the  subtleties  of 
heretics.  How  could  the  evasion  of  those  who  some 
time  ago  seceded  from  our  church,  be  exposed  by  more 
appropriate,  or  if  you  will,  less  objectionable  expres- 
sions ?  There  is  a  good  remark  made  by  one  of  the 
Fathers,  whom  Milner  quotes  (his  name  and  precise 
words  I  do  not  at  this  moment  remember)  he  says,  '  the 
blasphemies  of  heretics,  have  reduced  us  in  our  own 
defence  to  use  expressions,  which  otherwise  had  not 
need  to  be  adopted,  concerning  the  mysterious  article  of 
the  Holy  Trinity/ 

'  When  it  is  said,  '  He  therefore  that  will  be  saved, 
must  thv^  think  of  the  Trinity,'  I  interpret  the  word 
'  thus^^  so  as  not  substantially  to  differ  from  these  arti- 
cles ;  a  person  might  thus  think  of  the  Trinity  who 
objected  to  the  word  *  proceeding,*  and  adopted  some 
other  to  express  that  relation  which  the  Holy  Spirit 
bears  to  the  Father  and  the  Son.'  So  also  I  understand 
the  clause,  '  this  is  the  Catholic  faith,  which  except  a 
man  believe  faithfully* he  cannot  be  saved.'  A  man  may 
believe  faithfully,  the  Catholic  faith  respecting  the 
Trinity,  whilst  perhaps  he  scruples  about  the  use  of 
some  particular  term. 

*  Lastly,  when  I  affirm  my  belief  that  those  who  reject 
the  Triune  Jehovah  will  perish,  of  course  I  mean  those 
who  do  this  deliberately  and  notwithstanding  oppor- 
tunities. I  leave  to  God  Almighty,  the  application  of 
general  threatenings  to  every  particular  case.' 


INTRODUCTION.  1 1 

How  wisely  does  he  hold  the  balance  between  unchar- 
itable censure  of  particular  errors^  and  latitudinarian 
indifference  to  the  cause  of  truth  ! 

On  the  second  subject  above  mentioned,  he  writes 
as  follows,  August  22,  1831  : 

*  *  *  *  *  I  say  to  the  reformers,  either 
do  nothing,  or  do  much  more  than  you  propose ;  either 
leave  us  as  a  piece  of  mechanism,  a  mighty  engine  to 
send  Bibles  to  the  four  quarters  of  the  earth  ;  or  if  you 
will  constitute  us  a  devotional  body,  expel  not  merely 
Canaanites  and  Perizzites,  but  Hivites,  Jebusites,  and 
all  the  other  ites  from  amongst  us.' 

And  this  sobriety  of  judgment  was  seen  in  his  whole 
system  of  practical  divinity.  Whilst  on  the  one  hand, 
the  eminent  spirituality  of  his  soul  kept  him  at  the 
greatest  distance  from  a  formal  regard  to  the  externals 
of  religion,  he  was  equally  free  from  a  slight  or  irreve- 
rend  estimation  of  any  of  those  outward  observances 
which  have  been  appointed  or  sanctioned  as  the  means 
of  good  to  Christ's  chiurch.  Remembering  continually 
that  the  communion  of  his  own  soul  with  his  God,  is 
the  especial  privilege  of  the  believer  in  Jesus,  he  never 
suffered  the  individualities  of  the  Christian  character  so 
to  engross  his  attention,  as  to  lose  sight  of  his  inesti- 
mable privileges  as  a  member  of  the  church.  He  did 
not  seek  to  remove  the  sheep  of  Christ  from  that  fold 
into  which  Hb  had  gathered  them,  that  they  might  enjoy 
singly  a  separate  communion  with  their  God.  The 
foundation  of  this  habit  of  mind  was  laid  in  that  deep 
humility  which  formed  so  striking  a  feature  in  his  min* 
isterial  character.  There  was  nothing  great  which  he 
thought  unjustly  withheld  from  him  ;  there  was  nothing 
common  which  he  esteemed  beneath  his  care.  The 
ministrations  of  those,  who  in  the  judgment  of  others, 
could  not  be  compared  with  him,  were  in  his  eyes  far 
more  valuable  than  his  own.  He  praised  them  with 
that  hearty  self-depreciating  commendation  which  springs 
from  a  soul,  to  which  the  pantings  of  vanity,  or  the 
strugglings  of  envy,  are  altogether  unknown.    From  true 


12  INTRODUCTION, 

Christian  charity  **  in  honour  he  preferred  others." 
Closely  allied  with  this,  was  his  patience  as  a  minister 
of  Christ.  Day  after  day  would  he  visit  the  sick-bed 
of  his  poorest  cottager,  and  continue  in  spite  of  dullness 
of  intellect  and  coldness  of  heart,  to  watch  for  any 
opening  by  which  he  might  win  souls  to  Christ.  Year 
after  year,  with  undiminished  energy  did  he  patiently 
preach  to  his  little  flock  the  glad  tidings  of  salvation — 
and  without  ceasing  were  his  prayers  poured  out  to  God 
for  them. 

Great  too  was  his  ministerial  tenderness.  His  holy 
condemnation  of  sin  was  never  mingled  with  any  of 
the  harshness  of  invective.  When  compelled  to  wield 
the  sword  of  the  Spirit  for  the  conviction  of  sinners,  it 
was  *  even  weeping*  that  he  taught  them  what  it  was 
'*  to  be  the  enemies  of  the  cross  of  Christ.^*  He  coxdd 
scarcely  speak  of  the  concerns  of  immortal  souls  without 
tears ;  often  have  I  heard  the  voice  which  was  telling 
of  the  return  of  some  repentant  prodigal  falter  with  sup- 
pressed emotion,  and  seen  the  eye  which  by  faith  con- 
templated the  realities  of  eternity,  fill  with  the  tear  of 
grateful  joy.  None  ever  came  to  heal  the  wounds  of 
souls,  who  possessed  a  softer  touch,  a  more  exquisite 
sensibility  of  spirit ;  he  was  the  chosen  comforter  of 
sorrow,  the  **  son  of  consolation"  to  wounded  hearts. 
Though  he  always  spoke  out  in  condemning  sin ;  though 
he  dared  not  hide  the  holiness  of  God  under  a  meretri- 
cious representation  of  his  mercy,  yet  it  was  his  especial 
delight  to  be  in  his  master's  hands,  the  means  of  gently 
kindling  to  a  flame  the  smoking  flax,  or  raising  tenderly 
the  bruised  reed.  Indeed  it  might  have  been  said,  that 
this  was  the  peculiar  feature  of  his  ministerial  character, 
if  there  had  not  been  another  in  which  all  the  rest  seemed 
to  be  merged.  The  grace  of  God  had  wrought  in  an 
unusual  degree  within  his  soul,  that  which  was  the  dis- 
tinguishing character  of  Herbert's  *  Pastor.'  **  Holiness 
tp  the  Lord  "  was  imprinted  upon  all  his  conduct.  He 
coxdd  not  bear  sin  ;  he  viewed  it  with  holy  indignation. 
Its  struggles  in  himself,  and  its  frequent  prevalence  in 


INTRODUCTION.  13 

his  people,  were  the  causes  of  his  deepest  sorrow.  All 
attempts  to  make  light  of  its  defilement,  to  lower  down 
the  standard  of  God  to  the  debased  conceptions  of  fallen 
man,  excited  within  him  a  vehement  indignation,  and 
a  holy  zeal  for  God,  which  might  have  been  deemed 
by  those  who  witnessed  them  alone,  as  almost  incom- 
patible with  that  deep  and  abiding  tenderness  which  had 
been  breathed  over  his  soul.  It  was  indeed  the  union 
of  these  two  qualities,  which  distinguished  his  minis- 
terial character,  which  reached  the  conscience  of  the 
careless,  which  detected  the  disguises  of  the  false  pro- 
fessor, which  comforted  the  broken-hearted,  and  en- 
couraged the  believer  in  new  and  increasing  endeavours 
after  conformity  with  God.  The  influence  of  his  char- 
acter extended  beyond  the  limits  of  his  own  parish. 
Many  were  the  brother  presbyters  whose  hands  he 
strengthened,  whose  hearts  he  animated,  whose  know- 
ledge he  increased.  It  wias  a  sad,  though  a  soothing 
sight,  to  witness  on  the  day  when  the  earth  closed 
over  his  beloved  remains,  the  mournful  train  of  neigh- 
bouring pastors,  who  with  entire  submission  to  the 
master  of  the  shepherds,  wept  over  their  own  loss,  saying 
from  the  heart,  **  Alas,  my  father  !  alas,  my  brother." 

But  let  it  not  be  supposed  by  any  to  whom  he  was 
unknown,  that  the  habitual  holiness  of  his  soul  was 
shown  in  gloom  or  moroseness.  If  it  were  possible 
to  convey  to  these  pages  a  true  representation  of  what 
he  was  in  social  or  domestic  life,  it  would  be  alone 
abundantly  sufficient  to  refute  for  ever  such  mistaken 
views  of  the  character  of  true  religion.  If  it  were  pos- 
sible to  transfer  to  the  canvas  the  varied  play  of  intel- 
lectual elegance,  the  kindly  glow  of  every  generous 
feeling ;  the  healthy  and  vigorous  actings  of  the  affec- 
tions, which  were  ever  present  in  his  domestic  circle  ;— 
the  picture  of  rational  enjoyment  would  be  complete : 
and  though  much  cannot  be  said  here  upon  this  sub- 
ject, yet  for  the  honour  of  religion  it  must  not  be  left 
wholly  unnoticed. 

There  was  then  in   him  a  heartiness  of  affection, 


14  INTRODUCTION. 

which  ministered  to  the  purest  happiness.  There  was 
the  gaiety  of  a  mind  too  much  refined  to  be  ever 
boisterous ;  too  manly  to  be  ever  frivolous  ;  too  entirely 
given  up  to  God  to  be  ever  unseasonably  mirthful: 
a  perpetual  spring  of  holy  guileless  gaiety,  gladden- 
ing and  purifying  the  hearts  of  all  those,  to  whom 
God  in  his  mercy  had  given  him  as  a  companion  in 
this  world  of  sorrows.  The  character  of  his  intellect, 
as  well  as  the  dispositions  of  his  mind,  tended  to  pro- 
duce the  same  result.  He  combined  a  sound  and  dis- 
criminating judgment,  with  great  warmth  of  imagina- 
tion, and  fervency  of  spirit.  His  mental  constitution 
seemed  to  be  incapable  of  receiving  the  taint  of  super- 
stition; whilst  to  every  word  of  Revelation  he  was 
docile  as  a  child  ;  his  powers  had  been  wisely  cultivated, 
and  the  refining  power  of  sterling  piety  had  been 
exerted  upon  a  mind  which  was  deeply  and  lastingly 
imbued  with  the  pervading  spirit  of  classical  elegance. 
This  was  indeed  a  feature  of  his  mind  which  deserves 
especial  notice.  He  belonged  to  a  school  of  attic  elegance, 
which  is  declining  amongst  us — a  school  of  men,  who 
studied  the  classics,  not  as  a  means  by  which  to  obtain 
distinction,  nor  merely  to  acquire  in  the  knowledge  of 
another  language,  a  key  to  fresh  mental  attainments,  but 
for  their  own  sweetness.  These  were  men  whose  whole 
spirit  breathed  of  classical  refinement.  The  bustle  of  our 
busy  age  ;  its  hard  and  unpoetical  features,  seeking  in 
every  thing  immediate  utility,  exalting  science  above  lite- 
rature, and  the  lower  and  more  productive  provinces  of 
science,  above  that  which  is  more  abstruse  and  intellec- 
tual, are  altogether  unfavourable  to  the  production  of  such 
characters.  That  so  few  of  them  remain,  is  one  of  the 
worst  signs  of  our  literary  state.  In  him  this  true  spirit 
of  a  scholar  was  conspicuous.  Such  natural  powers, 
so  cultivated  and  so  controlled,  could  not  fail  to  render 
him  a  bright  ornament  of  social  life.  There  was  too, 
one  remarkable  effect  of  the  unusual  height  of  holiness, 
to  which,  through  God's  grace,  he  had  attained.  It 
was  the  mode  in  which  his  mind  passed  from  ordinary 


INTRODUCTION.  1 5 

to  sacred  subjects.  It  might  be  irom  mingling  in  the 
sports  and  merriment  of  childhood  ;  it  might  be  from 
the  excitement  of  intellectual  conversation  ;  that  he  was 
called  upon  to  turn  his  attention  at  once  to  holy  things. 
The  transition  was  effected  in  a  moment.  It  was  natural 
and  reverend  ;  free  from  any  thing  of  sternness ;  and 
impressing  upon  every  one  the  evident  truth  that  his  reli- 
gion was  no  gloomy  system  of  prohibitions  and  restraint. 
God  had  been  honoured  in  his  joy,  and  if  he  turned  to 
graver  objects,  it  was  but  to  honour  God  still  in  a  different 
method.  It  was  the  same  wave,  when  it  raised  its  sunlit 
crest  towards  the  sky,  or  sunk  again  into  the  calm. 
The  change  could  not  be  noted,  but  in  the  seriousness 
which  overspread  his  mind,  and  in  the  increased  satis- 
faction with  which  he  turned  from  the  innocent  mirth  of 
childhood,  to  the  severer  joys  of  an  immortal  being. 
Like  most  others  of  quick  feelings,  his  temper  was 
naturally  hasty.  Every  succeeding  year  brought  it  under 
more  entire  control.  By  Grod's  grace  it  was  kept 
entirely  free  from  asperity,  while  it  possessed  in  a  large 
measure  the  frank  and  sparkling  quality  which  w^as  its 
appropriate  charm.  The  largest  liberality  was  the  natural 
overflow  of  his  generous  soul.  He  had  nothing  for 
himself.  He  seemed  scarcely  able  to  comprehend  the 
pleasure  of  owning  any  thing  unless  he  could  give  it 
to  another.  This  was  a  frame  of  mind  which  insured 
the  happiness  of  its  possessor. 

It  must  not,  however,  be  supposed  that  this  child  of 
God  passed  through  life  without  receiving  at  his  Father's 
hands  those  **  loving  corrections"  of  which  all  are 
partakers.  The  same  temper  which  ministered  in 
ordinary  seasons  to  unusual  happiness,  rendered  him 
also  peculiarly  alive  to  the  bitterness  of  the  cup  of 
affliction.  He  knew  indeed  too  well,  the  hand  which 
smote  him,  to  yield  to  hopeless  or  repining  sorrow. 
But  while  he  justified  God  for  all  his  dealings,  the 
iron  entered  oftentimes  into  his  soul.  '  A  pilgrim,*  he 
says  in  a  letter  to  a  friend  in  1805,  *  will  always  long 
most  for  his  journey's  end  when  the  inns  and  road  are 


16  INTRODUCTION. 

bad  and  uncomfortable.  Besides,  even  temporal  good 
is  much  endeared  to  us  by  a  short  suspension  of  it,  so 
that  God  by  his  providence,  makes  us  enjoy  it  more, 
and  at  the  same  time  be  less  rivetted  to  it.  Such  a 
paradox  is  the  Christian  life  !  Affliction  comes  not  from 
the  dust,  but  from  His  hand,  who  would  not  send  it 
were  it  not  necessary ;  but  chastens  us  in  mercy."  In 
this  spirit  did  he  always  receive  the  chastening  of  the 
Lord.  He  came  out  of  the  furnace  evidently  refined 
by  its  fires.  Affliction  lent  wings  to  the  strong  desires 
of  his  soul,  with  which  they  soared  to  greater  heights 
of  communing  with  God.  Some  extracts  from  a  letter 
to  a  friend,  written  in  November  1829,  a  time  of  the 
deepest  sorrow,  will  suffice  to  illustrate  the  workings  of 
his  holy  soul  at  such  a  season.  It  pleased  God  to  take 
from  him  his  eldest  son — a  son  endeared  to  his  heart 
by  every  peculiarity  of  character,  and  every  circumstance 
of  education.  He  had  never  exchanged  a  father's  care 
for  the  instruction  of  any  other  teacher ;  and  between 
such  a  pupil  and  such  a  preceptor,  the  task  had  grown 
insensibly  into  a  delight.  His  health,  which  had  been 
for  years  the  object  of  watchftJ  solicitude,  appeared 
to  be  established.  He  had  entered  upon  life  at  the 
university  of  Cambridge :  withstood  the  strong  temp- 
tations of  opening  manhood,  and  the  ensnaring  seduc- 
tions of  early  independence:  and  had  given  intimation 
of  no  inconsiderable  intellectual  acquirements :  when 
fix)m  watching  with  delight  this  course  of  promise, 
his  parents  were  called  upon  by  a  sudden  attack  of 
pulmonary  disease  to  see  the  object  of  their  hope  and 
affection  waste  upon  a  bed  of  sickness ;  and  at  last  to 
yield  him  up  again  into  the  hands  of  the  God  who  had 
given  him  to  them  for  a  while.  That  bed  of  unseasonable 
decay  was  cheered  by  the  calm  and  holy  lightof  Christian 
hope ;  it  was  surrounded  by  hearts  deeply  wounded,  but 
entirely  submissive  to  the  will  of  God  ;  and  supported 
therefore  by  his  presence.  The  spirit  which  breathes 
so  evidently  in  the  following  letter,  was  the  expression 
of  his  father's  habitual  feelings. 


INTRODUCTION.  17 


Checkendoriy  Nov.  4,  1829. 
*  My  dbae  Friend, 
Your  love  is  sent  to  one  on  whom  the  grave  closed 
last  Sunday  week.  At  two  o'clock  in  the  morning  of 
the  preceding  Tuesday,  having  been  carried  on  Mon- 
day evening  by  his  mother  and  myself  from  his  bed 
to  his  couch,  and  his  couch  to  his  bed,  he  was  carried 
by  better  hands  to  a  better  rest  than  this  poor  world 
affords.  You  may  conceive  what  our  grief  is :  but  we 
are  looking  unto  Jesus,  the  author  and  finisher  of  our 
faith,  not  doubting  but  that  he  who  enabled  our  be- 
loved child  in  the  tenderness  of  youth  and  feebleness  of 
mortal  nature,  to  hurl  the  stone  into  the  head  of  that 
giant  death,  who  stalked  out  before  him  daily  for  so 
many  weeks,  will  enable  us  to  deal  as  faithfully  by  mur- 
muring discontent.  We  trust  we  can  say  it  is  well,  it 
is  all  right,  and  good,  and  merciful,  and  faithful.  Blessed 
be  the  Lord,  he  has  not  permitted  the  enemy  of  my  soul 
to  assail  it  for  one  moment,  that  I  am  aware  of,  with 
the  thought,  *  This  is  a  hard  and  severe  dispensation.' 
In  one  sense  of  course  it  is  unutterably  so,  and  I  am 
conscious  of  needing  it,  but  experience  tells  me  what 
this  life  is,  and  faith  tells  me  what  the  other  is ;  and  I 
know  the  name  of  the  Lord  of  heaven  and  earth,  that 
it  is  love,  and  I  know  that  he  doeth  what  he  pleaseth  in 
all  parts  of  his  dominions,  and  doth  nothing  but  what 
is  perfect.  To  alter  it  for  the  better  is  impossible,  nay, 
the  very  notion  is  an  abomination.  ^*  The  Lord  gave, 
the  Lord  hath  taken  away;"  taken  away  **  from  the 
miseries  of  this  sinful  world,"  taken  away  to  himself, 
to  *'  enormous  bliss,"  *  my  dearest  child;  shall  I  not 
then,  in  the  midst  of  my  sorrow,  add,  **  Blessed  be 
the  name  of  the  Lord."  Since  we  were  at  Torquay,  J. 
have  had  increasing  evidence  that  my  beloved  son's 
heart  was  right  with  God.  Penitent,  dependent  on  Jesus 
wholly,  devoted  to  his  love.     Most  plainly  did  I  discover 

»  Milton. 
C 


18  INTRODUCTION. 

this  in  the  Isle  of  Wight, — plainer  still  when  he  was  at 
college,  a  period  of  so  much  temptation,  a  season  when 
his  health  was  so  good,  that  he  seemed  as  likely  to  live 
as  ourselves.  And  throughout  his  illness  till  his  last 
breath)  I  can  truly  affirm,  that  he  taught  me  more  than 
ever  I  taught  him ;  he  taught  me  how  to  suffer  and  die. 
The  Lord  held  him  by  the  right  hand,  and  made  the 
yoke  easy  and  .  the  burden  light.  He  had  naturally  a 
great  fear  of  death,  but  his  head  was  raised  above  the 
waves.  I  said  to  him,  '  You  could  not  have  supposed 
that  such  strength  would  be  imparted  to  you.'  *  Then 
praise  him  for  it,'  was  the  reply.  I  do  praise  him  for 
it,  and  trust  that  you  and  your's  will  help  us  to  praise 
Him  who  out  of  weakness  maketh  strong ;  but  forget 
not  to  pray  that  we  may  all  have  a  more  holy  heart,  and 
live  a  more  holy  life,  the  only  substantial  proof  of  real 
religion.' 

These  were  not  the  words  of  assumed  submission. 
Such  was  the  tone  of  his  prayers,  such  was  the  acted 
language  of  his  life.  And  to  estimate  aright  the  power- 
ful workings  of  God's  grace,  in  bringing  him  to  that 
state  of  dependent  quietness,  let  it  be  remembered  that 
his  natural  affections  were  pre-eminently  warm.  I  can 
safely  affirm,  after  a  long  and  most  intimate  acquaint- 
ance with  him,  that  I  never  knew  any  one  in  whom 
they  were  so  strong.  There  was  a  depth  of  tenderness 
in  his  soul,  *  passing  the  love  of  woman,'  sublimed  into 
the  most  elevated  tone  of  manly  vigour.^     Yet   such  he 

1  I  may  be  allowed  to  introduce  here  some  verses,  in  which,  after 
some  years,  he  recorded  his  feelings  upon  this  subject  He  had  been 
walking  with  us  upon  the  shore,  witnin  sight  of  St.  Catherine's  head, 
near  which  he  had  spent  a  winter  for  his  son  s  health.  We  noticed  his 
unwonted  silence,  and  when  we  returned  home,  he  committed  to  paper, 
and  put  into  my  hands  tlie  following  verses,  the  fruit  of  his  silent  me- 
ditation on  the  beach. 

/ft  Catherinam  Montem, 
Grata  rubent  aliis  cum  culmina  montis  inaurat 

Oceano  subiens  sol— oriensve  mari. 
Cum  stipant  Iseti  comites  risumque  jocumque, 
Cretato  attuterint  gaudia  festa  die. 


INTRODUCTIOK.  19 

always  was,  whenever,  as  was  often  the  case  in  the  later 
stages  of  his  journey,  the  hand  of  the  Lord  was  heavy 
upon  him..  Thus  when,  in  1831,  he  lost  his  aged 
Father,  he  wrote  in  the  same  strain  to  one  who  had 
addressed  him  in  the  language  of  Christian  consolation. 


'  My  dear  Friend, 

Many  thanks  would  I  offer  you  for  your  feeling  and 
Christian  note. 

This  is  a  moment  when  the  sympathy  and  supplica- 
tions of  Christian  brethren  are  indeed  valuable.  I 
have  suffered,  and  do  suffer  acutely.  My  love  to  my 
Father  was  never  smaU,  and  of  late  years  it  has  been 
called  out  amazingly.  Constant  intercourse  has 
done  this:  but  above  all,  the  sight  of  Christian  graces 
in  him,  especially  that  of  humility,  has  increased  the 
warmth  of  my  love. 

I  could  not  therefore  behold  him  on  the  bed  of  lan- 
guishing and  death,  without  having  my  heart  rent. 
But  I  look  backwards  at  the  mercies  shown  me  in  and 
with  him,  and  I  look  upwards  to  the  throne  of  grace, 
before  which  he  bows  with  the  Redeemed  ;  and  thence 
I  do  find  supplies  of  strength  to  submit  meekly  to  the 
Lord  ;  and  thence  I  trust  to  find  that  showers  of  grace 
and  blessing  will  descend,  to  abase  and  purify  one 
**  whose  soul  deaveth  to  the  dust,"  for  heaven  and  its 
endless  blessedness. 

Saxa  mihi  surgant  vix  visa  adopertaque  nimbis! 

Et  vespertini  littoris  unda  gemat  I 
Et  spatiar  solus  mecum  vagabundus  arena ! 

Et  natum  orbato  sit  lacrymare  patri ! 
Huic  illic  quondam  licuit  sperare  salutem  : 

Scd  nimis  heu !  fallax  spes  et  inanis  erat 
Conquerar  abreptum  ?  questus  procul  absit !  at  ipse 

Qui  fleret  Jesus,  non  mihi  flere  vetat. 
Quin  te  lustratum,  carissime,  sanguine  Christi 

Tarn  cito  coelestes  loetor  inisse  domos. 
Non  macies  lethumve  incumbunt  sedibus  istis 

Felicique  nefas  exulat  omne  loco. 
Conditus  o  tecum  jaceam !  tecumque  resurgens 

Soecula,  non  iterum  te  doliturus,  agam ! 

C  2 


20  INTRODUCTION. 

I  feel  now  like  the  soldier  who  has  had  one  on  each 
side  of  him  laid  low.  O  may  this  lay  my  pride  low, 
and  all  my  sins. 

May  I  live  as  a  dying  man,  unto,  and  upon  the  Lord, 
then  death  will  prove  to  be  life.' 

Very  shortly  before  his  own  most  unexpected  sum- 
mons into  the  presence  of  his  Master,  he  was  again 
called  upon  to  endure  extreme  affliction.  His  remain- 
ing son,  who  had  inherited,  besides  his  own  peculiar 
share,  the  love  .which  had  been  his  brother's  portion, 
was  seized  with  dangerous  sickness.  His  father's 
anguish  was  intense.  But  in  his  bitterest  struggles  not  a 
thought  but  of  the  holiness  and  love  of  his  God  ever 
entered  into  his  mind.  The  dispensation  was  dark  to 
all  who  witnessed  it.  So  entirely  was  the  heart  which 
was  stricken  in  accordance  with  the  will  of  God,  that  it 
was  a  sore  trial  of  faith  to  believe  that  it  was  needed. 
It  was  remarked  by  one  who  knew  him  intimately,  by 
one  whose  deep  piety  and  matured  judgment  added 
unusual  weight  to  such  an  expression,  (my  late  father,) 
'  I  can  hardly  conceive  how  the  mind  of  an  angel  in 
glory  can  be  more  perfectly  in  accordance  with  the  will 
of  God  than  his.'  For  days  together  did  I  witness  at 
this  time  an  entire  submission  to  God's  severest  ap- 
pointments, which  would  amply  justify  such  a  declara- 
tion. Little  did  we  then  foresee  the  purpose  of  these 
last  purifying  fires,  through  which  he  entered  into  glory  ; 
but  so  deep  was  the  impression  which  the  sight  made 
upon  me,  that  I  committed  to  paper  at  the  time  a  few 
of  the  expressions  of  his  resignation  during  the  affliction, 
and  of  his  thankfulness  when  it  was  removed. 

March  30,  1833. — A  day  of  entire  hopelessness  of 
his  son's  recovery  ;  in  the  midst  of  the  deepest  sorrow 
— after  speaking  much  of  the  support  which  he  re- 
ceived, he  added,  'What  should  I  be  now,  without  the 
gospel?' 

*  I  am  sure  that  my  heavenly  Father  would  not  send 
me  this  agony  if  he  did  not  see  it  to  be  needful  for  me. 


INTRODUCTION.  21 

And  I  believe  that  I  can  truly  say,  I  would  not  thus 
lift  up  my  finger  to  remove  it,  if  it  be  not  his  will.' 

And  again. — When  the  pressure  of  his  alarm  was 
through  God's  mercy  removed,  and  his  soul  was  melted 
in  gratitude,  '  What  an  expression  (he  said  one  day)  is 
that,  "  Praise  waiteth  for  thee,  O  God !  "  It  is  easy  to 
pray  to  God  in  trouble,  but  to  praise  him,  that  is  the 
i*eal  difficulty.     I  am  sure  I  desire  to  praise  him.' 

Such  was  the  habit  of  his  soul,  when  as  he  said,  '  I 
have  not  the  shadow  of  a  doubt  that  within  six  weeks 
we  shall  have  laid  that  dear  boy  in  yonder  church-yard.' 
Within  six  weeks  the  ground  was  broken  up,  and  the 
earth  received  her  dead  into  her  keeping  until  the  great 
day.;  but  it  was  the  father  who  was  taken,  and  the  child 
who  wept  over  his  grave.  For  **  His  ways  are  past  finding 
out."  On  the  26th  of  April  he  had  engaged  to  visit  the 
Isle  of  Wight.  He  did  not  arrive,  but  we  heard  that 
he  was  detained  at  home  by  a  slight  indisposition. 
Saturday  the  27th.  his  illness  increased.  Medical  assist- 
ance was  called  in.  It  was  supposed  to  be  a  relapse  of  the 
influenza,  and  no  sort  of  danger  was  apprehended.  Such 
was  the  course  of  each  succeeding  day ;  there  were  some 
distressing  symptoms,  but  none  which  spoke  of  imme- 
diate alarm.  On  Thursday,  May  2,  an  eminent 
surgeon,  well  acquainted  with  his  constitution,  was 
summoned  from  I^ndon,  and  pronounced  him  free  from 
any  symptoms  of  immediate  danger,  yet  that  very 
night  was  the  work  of  death  begun  ;  and  on  the  next 
morning,  peacefully  and  without  a  struggle,  he  resigned 
his  Spirit  into  the  hands  of  the  God  who  gave  it. 
During  the  course  of  his  illness  it  was  necessary  to 
administer  repeated  opiates.  Ih  the  feverish  slumber 
which  resulted  from  them  his  mind  wandered,  until 
recalled  by  the  voice  of  another;  and  his  lips  spoke 
without  the  exact  rein  of  reason.  Yet  even  then  his 
expressions  were  of  the  same  holy  nature  as  those  which 
he  uttered  in  more  collected  moments.  From  his  full  soul 
there  poured  forth  unceasingly  the   pure  streams  of  a 


22  INTRODUCTION. 

renewed  Spirit.  *  I  have  the  greatest  fear,'  he  said, 
'  of  saying  something  in  delirium  which  may  dishonour 
my  God.  I  have  heard  of  some  good  people  who  have 
heen  permitted  to  do  so,  and  I  have  a  horror  of  it.' 
This  was  his  fear :  but  so  far  from  its  accomplishment, 
when  his  reason  wandered,  his  mouth  was  filled  with 
praises.  He  was  reasoning  with  sinners,  or  speaking 
with  unusual  clearness  and  beauty  of  the  deep  things  of 
God.  When  he  was  first  laid  upon  that  bed  from 
which  he  never  rose,  he  said  to  one  near  him,  *  Now 
from  this  bed  to  glory,  or  else  to  live  more  than  I  have 
ever  lived  to  the  glory  of  my  God.*  His  humility  of 
soul  was  strikingly  exhibited  in  the  course  of  this  last 
struggle.  *  Look  at  me,'  he  said  to  those  around 
him,  *  look  at  me,  the  vilest  of  sinners,  but  saved,  by 
grace  !  Amazing,  that  I  can  be  saved.'  And  this  was 
heard  to  be  his  continual  language — exalting  the  grace 
of  God  which  was  able  to  save  even  him.  He  thought 
too  at  this  time  of  the  welfare  of  those  around  him. 
He  desired  that  an  especial  message  might  be  delivered 
from  him  to  all  his*  people.  *  I  would  have  you,'  he 
said,  *  seek  out  every  drunkard,  swearer,  and  sinner  in 
this  place,  and  warn  them  of  God's  wrath  against  their 
sins.  Tell  them  that  all  I  have  said  to  them  is  true. 
That  on  a  bed  of  death  I  more  than  ever  felt  its  truth — 
that  a  death-bed  is  no  place  for  repentance/  *  Tell,* 
said  he,  *  the  children  of  this  place  from  me,  to  hate  sin, 
to  strive  against  it,  and  above  aU  things  to  beware  of 
putting  off  the  time  of  beginning  to  serve  God.* 
Throughout  the  whole  of  this  time  his  soul  appeared 
to  be  eminently  "  athirst  for  God." 

'  Wrestle  for  me,'  said  he,  in  broken  accents,  but  with 
deep  earnestness,  to  a- Christian  friend  who  stood  by 
his  bed,  *  Wrestle  for  me,  that  I  may  go  hence  to  glory, 
or  else  live  more  like  die  saints  in  glory ; '  and  at 
another  time,  when  speaking  of  his  earnest  affection  to 
his  family,  and  his  great  happiness  in  them,  he  added 
with  emphasis,  *  but  to  be  hohfy  to  be  perfectly  holy, 
how  glad[ly  would  I  leave  aU  of  you,  to  be  holy.'     Nor 


INTROD  UCTION.  23 

were  there  wanting  in  his  case  some  of  those  unusual 
supports  with  which  the  Lord  at  times  upholds  the 
goings  of  his  servants  when  they  enter  upon  the  dark 
valley  of  the  shadow  of  death.  His  exceeding  self- 
suspicion,  and  his  habitual  sobriety  of  feeling  might 
not  unnaturally  have  prevented  the  expression  of  any 
lively  emotions  of  assured  joy  at  the  apprehension  of 
the  near  approach  of  eternity.  He  had  moreover  a 
nervous  shrinking  from  the  act  of  dying,  yet  it  pleased 
God  to  pour  at  this  season  a  flood  of  heavenly  light 
upon  his  soul ;  he  passed  the  streams  well  nigh  dry-shod. 

*  I  am  safe/  was  his  rejoicing  testimony,  '  though  a 
miserable  sinner — saved  by  grace,  I  have  not  a  doubt;' 
and  calling  to  him  one  eminently  beloved,  he  said,  '  You 
know  that  I  have  always  had  a  horror  of  superstition  ; 
I  believe  that  I  inherited  it,  but  I  wish  to  tell  you  of 
the  extraordinary  revelation  of  himself  which  it  has 
pleased  God  to  make  to  my  soul  ;*  and  then — '  do  not 
misunderstand  me,  I  do  not  mean  by  any  vision,  but 
by  unusual  spiritual  communion  with  himself.'  The 
words,  '  glory,  glory,'  were  heard  breaking  from  his 
lips  as  his  countenance  kindled  into  holy  fervour ;  and 
his  lips  spoke  of  *  that  bright  light  * — which,  when  asked, 

*  what  light  ? '  he  explained  to  be  *  the  bright  light  of 
the  Sun  of  Righteousness.' 

No  less  than  four  times  during  the  last  night  which 
he  spent  upon  earth  was  he  heard  repeating  to  himself 
in  solemn  ascriptions  of  praise  to  God,  "  Glory  be  to 
the  Father,  and  to  the  Son,  and  to  the  Holy  Ghost. 
Amen."  And  when,  just  before  the  last  struggle,  one 
said  to  him,  ^  the  everlasting  arms  are  under  you,' 
he  answered  with  eager  joy,  *  I  know  they  are — I 
feel  them— that  is  enough.' 

It  was  *  enough*  for  him.  He  had  been  found  faith- 
ful. His  Lord,  on  whom  he  relied,  was  able  to  deliver 
him  ;  he  forsook  not  his  servant  who  trusted  in  him  ; 
but  even  as  he  passed  through  the  waters  which  sepa- 
rate this  world  from  the  next,  he  put  a  new  song  into  his 
mouth,  and  filled  his    tongue  with  the  praises  of  his 


24  INTRODUCTION. 

Lord.  And  now  he  rests  with  him.  That  pure  soul 
has  attained  the  sinless  state  for  which  he  panted ;  he  is 
with  that  Saviour  whom  he  loved ;  he  has  tried  the 
promise  of  the  Liord,  and  found  his  word  true :  '*  Be 
thou  faithful  unto  death,  and  I  will  give  thee  a  crown 
of  life." 


LETTERS  AND  JOURNALS 


OF 


HENRY  MARTYN. 


LETTERS,  &c. 


Swansea,  August  9,  1802. 
Dbar  Sargent, 

You  see  by  the  date  of  my  letter,  that  I  have  al- 
most reached  the  end  of  my  long  pilgrimage.  Our  first 
resting  place  was  Wenlock  in  Shropshire,  from  whence 
we  went  on  the  Sunday  to  Madeley  church.  You 
must  have  heard  of  Mr.  Fletcher,  who  was  formerly 
Rector  of  this  place.  We  were  introduced  to  Mrs.  F. 
by  a  young  man  who  first  introduced  himself  to  us.  We 
took  some  coffee  with  him  afterwards,  and  he  told  us 
he  had  formerly  been  a  comet  in  the  15th  Light  Dra- 
goons, but  had  retired  from  the  world,  and  had  now 
lived  in  solitude  nearly  three  years,  employed  in  nothing 
but  reading  the  Bible  and  visiting  the  sick.  He  was 
perfectly  meek  and  gentle  in  his  manners,  and  seemed 
quite  happy.  I  leave  you  to  make  your  own  reflec- 
tions on  th^  phenomenon.  From  Wenlock  we  became 
pedestrians,  and  went  successively  to  Shrewsbury,  the 
Vale  of  Llangollen,  and  Chester,  from  whence  we 
sailed  down  the  Mersey  to  Liverpool.  From  this  place 
I  proceeded  to  HolyweD,  &c.  alone.         #         #         # 

Thus  have  I  been  preserved  by  the  protecting  pro- 
vidence of  God,  and  been  endued  with  bodily  strength 
to  accomplish  my  journey  with  ease.  I  have  never  once 
wished  for  a  companion  ;  even  in  the  most  gloomy  mo- 
ments I  have  found  the  Bible  a  never  failing  source  of 
interesting  thought. 

.1803.  Jan.  8 — 11.     Ofken  gave  way  to  levity  and 


28  LETTERS.  [1803 

arrogance  in  conversation,  and  was  frequently  assaulted 
by  temptations  to  cowardly  desires  after  the  world :  but 
as  God  never  suffered  them  to  be  of  long  continuance, 
my  mind  enjoyed  considerable  peace. 

.12 — 19.      Reading     Lowth   on    Isaiah — Acts — and 
abridged  Bishop  Hopkins*  first  sermon  on  Regeneration. 

On  the  19th  called  on ,  from  whom  I  found  that  I 

was  to  go  to  the  East  Indies,  not  as  a  Missionary,  but 
in  some  superior  capacity  ;  to  be  stationed  at  Calcutta, 
or  possibly  at  Ceylon.  This  prospect  of  this  world's 
happiness  gave  me  rather  pain  than  pleasure,  which 
convinced  me  that  I  had  before  been  running  away 
from  the  world,  rather  than  overcoming  it.  During  the 
whole  course  of  the  day,  I  was  more  worldly  than  for 
some  time  past,  unsettled  and  dissatisfied.  In  conversa- 
tion therefore,  I  found  great  levity,  pride,  and  bitterness. 
What  a  sink  of  corruption  is  this  heart,  and  yet  I  can  go 
on  from  day  to  day  in  self-seeking  and  self-pleasing  I 
Lord,  shew  me  myself;  nothing  but  ''  wounds  and 
bruises,  and  putrifying  sores,"  and  teach  me  to  live  by 
faith  on  Christ  my  all. 

St.  Johns,  Jan.  17, 1803. 
My  dear  Sargent, 

I  find  from that  you  really  expect  me  to  fulfil 

a  promise  I  never  made.  However,  as  you  allow  me 
to  send  you  even  a  skeleton  of  a  letter,  I  sit  down, 
resolved  to  avail  myself  of  the  permission,  if  I  find  it 
necessary.  *  *  *  #  * 

♦  *  G —  and  H —  seem  to  disapprove  of  my 
project  much  ;  and  on  this  account  I  have  been  rather 
discouraged  of  late,  though  not  in  any  degree  con- 
vinced. It  would  be  more  satisfactory  to  go  out  with 
the  full  approbation  of  my  friends,  but  it  is  in  vain  to 
attempt  to  please  man.  In  doubtful  cases,  we  are  to 
use  the  opinions  of  others  no  further  than  as. means  of 
directing  our  own  judgment.  My  sister  has  also  ob- 
jected to  it,  on  the  score  of  my  deficiency  in  that  deep 
and  solid  experience  necessary   in  a  missionary.     You 


1803]  LETTERS.  29 

have  taken  rooms,  I  think  in  the  Temple,  so  that 
the  providence  of  God  seems  to  have  called  you  irre- 
vocably to  the  profession  of  the  law.  Though  I  cannot 
help  regretting  that  one  so  well  qualified  to  preach  the 
glad  tidings  of  salvation,  should  be  called  off  to  labour 
in  the  business  of  this  world,  yet  we  may  be  sure,  that 
whatever  is  undertaken  according  to  his  will,  will  be 
attended  with  his  blessing.  You  will,  I  dare  say,  find 
a  double  degree  of  watchfulness  necessary  to  preserve  a 
proper  state  of  mind.  In  the  case  of  those  who  minister 
in  the  sanctuary,  temporal  and  spiritual  occupations  are 
one ;  corresponding  to  the  necessity  of  a  superior  de- 
gree of  holiness  in  those  who  are  to  be  examples.  But 
in  your  tase,  even  a  common  degree  of  spirituality 
cannot  be  maintained  without  much  attention.  Many 
have  found  that  occasional  aspirations  after  God  have 
been  made  the  channels  of  the  communications  of  his 
grace  in  the  midst  of  worldly  business,  and  have  left 
the  mind  not  disqualified  for  the  employments  of  heaven. 
Indeed  this  seems  to  be  a  good  criterion  of  our  state. 
For  surely  the  new-born  soul  never  more  truly  acts 
according  to  its  heavenly  nature,  than  when  it  delights 
to  shake  off  the  clogs  of  earth,  and  to  leave  the  world 
beneath  it,  and  to  rise  exultingly  to  God.  *  Though  it  is 
hard  to  be  thus  minded,  yet  it  is  undoubtedly  our  pri- 
vilege. But  nothing  but  almighty  grace  is  sufficient 
for  these  things,  as  the  coldness  we  all  feel  manifests. 
I  have  been  reading  Hopkins's  sermons  to-day.  I  would 
give  you  my  opinion  of  them — (I  could  willingly  fill  the 
sheet)  but  the  time  does  not  allow  me.  Therefore,  adieu. 

23.  Rose  with  a  dead  weight  upon  my  mind,  found 
it  very  difficult  to  pray  at  all,  and  seemed  very  little 
the  better  for  it.  ^ 

^  This  extract  from  Mr.  Martyn's  Journal,  with  many  others  of  a  like 
nature,  refer  to  a  strictly  private  matter,  which  throughout  this,  and  part 
of  the  two  succeeding  years,  proved  a  continual  source  of  severe 
affliction,  often  harassing  his  conscience,  engrossing  much  of  his  time,  and 
deeply  depressing  his  spirits.  Through  the  whole  continuance  of  this 
trial,  the  increasmg  spirituality  of  his  mind  is  remarkably  evinced.     To 


30  JOURNAL.  [1803 

24.  Tolerably  composed  in  the  morning,  and  wad 
much  comforted  by  the  promises  of  God's  support, 
amidst  all  the  trials  of  the  world.  Began  Lowth  this 
morning.  In  my  walk  out,  and  during  the  remainder  of 
the  day,  the  sense  of  my  own  weakness  and  worthlessness 
called  me  to  watchfulness  and  dependance  upon  the 
grace  of  Christ.  Lost  much  time  at s  in  the  even- 
ing, by  joining  in  trifling  conversation.  A  little  tract 
on  eternity,  and  some  of  the  Revelations,  made*  a 
strong  impression  upon  me  this  evening.  Went  to  bed 
with  a  clear  view  of  the  infinite  necessity  of  an  ardent 
pursuit  of  holiness. 

25.  Fretful  and  impatient.  Bore  the  paU  at  Parry's 
funeral,  but  my  heart  was  cold  and  hard.  With  B— 
in  the  evening,  no  one  but  Foster  being  there.  Ought 
I  not  to  have  introduced  the  subject  of  religion?  How 
short-lived  are  right  affections !  What  madness  is  it  to 
be  slothful  in  drawing  nigh  to  the  Lord. 

31.  Had  a  kind  of  calmness,  but  little  sweetness  in 
divine  things.  Mr.  Simeon  drank  tea  with  me  in  the 
evening,  but  whatever  be  the  reason,  I  seldom  profit  by 
the  conversation  of  others  ;  particularly  the  godly.  Told 
me  that  concerning  the  trials  and  temptations  attending 
the  Christian  life,  I  might  know  just  as  much  as  about 
the  distances  of  the  planets.  Some  general  notions  I 
might  have,  but  that  I  really  knew  noSiing  about  them. 
This  rather  humbled  me,  but  instead  of  blessing  the 
Lord,  that  in  compassion  to  my  weakness,  he  had  warded 
off  the  fiery  darts  of  the  wicked,  I  was  vexed  at  finding 
I  was  not  so  forward  in  religion  as  my  pride  suggested. 
Oh  the  desperate  wickedness  of  this  heart !  and  yet  the 
chief  part  lies  concealed  from  my  view. 

Feb.  1.  Wasted  time  in  unnecessary  sleep.  After 
this  I  can  never  cheerfully  either  pray,  or  begin  my 

give  an  instance  of  the  way  in  which  he  particularly  mentions  it,  he  says. 
May  3,  1804.  '  Oh,  it  is  a  sorrowful  time !  This  business,  distraction  of 
mind  from  God  through  it,  anxiety,  &c.  make  me  often  droop ;  but  the 
throne  of  grace,  where  Jesus  intercedes  for  sinners,  is  my  only  refuge. 
My  desire  is  to  trust  God  entirely.'  And  on  another  occasion  he  adds, 
*  Oh  in  what  way  will  the  Lord  work  my  deliverance  ? ' 


1803]  JOURNAL.  31 

daily  employments.  Felt  but  weak  in  my  desires  after 
God.  For  want  of  reading  the  Scriptures,  could  not 
collect  my  thoughts  in  my  walk. 

2.  In  a  poor  and  lukewarm  state  this  morning.  Re* 
solved  in  my  walk  to  send  away  two  of  my  pupils, 
as  I  found  my  time  so  much  taken  up  by  them  of  late, 
instead  of  being  devoted  to  reading  the  Scriptures,  in 
which  I  have  done  little  or  nothing.  May  God  enable 
me  to  give  this  redeemed  time  to  him.  N.  stayed 
with  me  a  short  time  in  the  evening,  and  discovered  to 
me,  by  his  conversation,  my  infinite  inferiority  to  him 
in  divine  experience,  as  well  as  exemplified  in  himself  a 
truly  humble  and  watchful  spirit.  Prayed  with  some 
little  fervour  to  be  like  him,  and  of  course  to  be  like 
the  debased  Redeemer,  whose  imparalelled  humiliation 
in  Isaiah  liii,  I  had  been  reading.  But  was  rather 
gloomy  at  not  finding  myself  as  I  wished. 

3.  *  *  -*  Had  some  strength  and  fervour  in 
prayer,  hoped  that  I  should  ever  after  esteem  others 
better  than  myself. 

4.  Had  some  remains  of  that  humbled  spirit,  the 
sweetness  of  which  is  satisfying.  But  at  breakfast  '  the 
old  man '  showed  itself  in  contemptuous  expressions 
toward  others.  Had  something  like  poverty  of  spirit  in 
Hall.  Read  Lowth  in  the  afternoon,  till  I  was  quite  tired. 
Endeavoured  to  think  of  Job  xiv.  14,  and  to  have 
solemn  thoughts  of  death,  but  could  not  find  them  be- 
fore my  pupil  came,  to  whom  I  explained  justification 
by  faith,  as  he  had  ridiculed  Methodism.  But  talk 
upon  what  I  will,  or  with  whom  I  will,  conversation 
leaves  me  ruffled  and  discomposed.  From  what  does 
this  arise  ?  From  a  want  of  the  sense  of  God's  pre- 
sence when  I  am  with  others. 

6.  Read  the  Scriptures,  between  breakfast  and 
churchy  in  a  very  wandering  and  imsettled  manner, 
and  in  my  walk  was  very  weak  in  desires  after  God. 
As  I  found  myself  about  the  middle  of  the  day  full 
of  pride  and  formality,  I  found  some  relief  in  prayer. 
Sat  with  H.  and  D.  after  dinner,  till  three,  but  though 


32  JOURNAL.  [1803 

silent,  was  destitute  of  humility.  Read  some  of  S. 
Pearce's  life,  and  was  much  interested  by  his  account  of 
the  workings  of  his  mind  on  the  subject  of  his  mission. 
Saw  reason  to  be  thankful,  that  I  bad  no  such  tender 
ties  to  confine  me  at  home,  as  he  seemed  to  have ;  and 
to  be  amazed  at  myself,  in  not  making  it  a  more  fre- 
quent object  of  reflection,  and  yet  to  praise  God  for 
calling  me  to  minister  in  the  glorious  work  of  the 
conversion  of  the  Gentiles  ...  I  almost  dread 
to  set  apart  any  precise  time  for  extraordinary  devo- 
tions, lest  it  should  be  all  thrown  away  through  the 
wealmess  of  my  mind,  which  so  soon  flags  in  spiritual 
things.  Oh  how  hard  it  is  to  live  by  faith — and  impos- 
sible to  abound  in  the  woik  of  the  Lord  without  loye ! 
Yet  love,  which  makes  a  heaven  below,  he  has  en- 
couraged us  to  expect.  O  that  I  may  learn  now  my 
utter  helplessness  without  thee,  and  so  by  deep  humi- 
liation be  qualified  for  greater  usefulness. 

7.  Much  fatigued  with  reading  so  Jong  to-day  without 
exercise ;  yet  my  spirits  not  so  low  as  before.  In  the 
evening,  just  as  I  was  going  to  read  a  few  hymns  which 
I  have  lately  found  to  be  delightful,  was  interrupted 
by  R.  who  staid  till  nine.  Rather  vexed,  but  did  not 
shew  any  chagrin.  Our  conversation  was  on  mathema- 
tics, and  was  ended  only  by  my  hinting  at  the  un- 
satisfactory nature  of  human  science,  which  presently 
put  a  period  to  our  conversation.  Had  some  dishearten- 
ing thoughts  at  night  at  the  prospect  of  being  stripped 
of  every  earthly  comfort.  But  who  is  it  that  maketh 
my  comforts  to  be  a  source  of  enjoyment !  Cannot  the 
same  make  cold,  and  hunger,  and  nakedness,  and  peril, 
to  be  a  train  of  ministering  angels  conducting  me  to 
glory?  What  true  wisdom  is  resignation — yet  how 
does  my  unbelief  revolt  against  the  dictates  of  reason  I 
I  feel  little  desire  of  preaching  the  gospel,  and  have 
some  difliculty  in  conceiving  the  pleasure  and  anxiety 
expressed  by  most  faithful  ministers  about  their  people. 
I  find  that  in  whatever  manner  the  most  holy  ministers 
speak  of  their  suecess,  I  am  very  apt  to  be  disgusted 


1803]  JOURNAL.  33 

at  the  prominent  character  of  the  instrument ;  and  I 
record  this,  that  at  some  future  period  I  may  derive 
advantage  from  it.  O  for  humility.  Love  cannot  exist 
without  gratitude — ^nor  gratitude  without  humility. 
Much  relished  with  reading  the  91st  Psalm. 

8.  Generally  speaking,  in  a  more  calm  and  composed 
state  than  for  some  days  before. 

I  find  that  in  my  most  serious  moments  I  am,  through 
mere  habit,  disposed  to  a  cynic  flippancy.  Not  quite 
pleased  with  that  respect  and  attention  shewn  me  by 
my  friends.  In  the  afternoon  H —  came,  and  we  resumed 
our  exercises  of  reading  and  prayer,  suspended  for  many 
weeks.  I  was  by  no  means  particular  enough  with 
respect  to  my  own  wants  or  even  of  our  common  needs, 
in  my  prayer — but  was  too  general  in  petition,  as 
through  want  of  use  I  had  not  the  command  of  my 
thoughts.  Some  men  coming  in  aft^  our  reading  was 
over,  I  rather  lost  this  little  degree  of  spirituality  by 
unwatchfrdness.  But  upon  the  whole  I  have  been 
comparatively  happy  to  day,  and  find  my  mind  more 
active  and  energetic  than  when  I  pass  the  whole  day  in 
reading. 

9.  Had  a  more  quiet  spirit  to-day,  but  not  much  more 
of  the  presence  of  God,  through  unbelieving  fears  in  the 
morning,  and  distraction  by  worldly  men  in  the  evening. 
Read  Greek  Testament.  From  not  seeing  any  allusion 
to  infernal  possessions  any  where  but  in  the  gospels,  and 
also  from  observing  that  "their  own  children  would 
cast  them  out,"  terrifying  doubts  arose  about  the  truth 
of  the  whole,  but  through  the  mercy  of  God  they  were 
soon  dissipated.  But  I  determined  to  investigate  the 
subject  more  thoroughly.  Sat  a  little  with  D.  but 
spiritual  things  were  not  uppermost  in  our  conversation 
or  in  my  thoughts ;  an  idle  curiosity  led  me  in  the 
afternoon  to  the  knowledge  of  something  which  I  had 
better  not  have  known.  In  the  evening  several  men  by 
calling  disturbed  me — had  however  some  little  solemnity 
afterwards — finished  1st  book  of  Samuel,  and  read 
Psalms  ii. — iv.     But,  O  my  soul !    this  is  poor  work ! 


34  JOURNAL.  [1803 

Condemned  myself  for  not  exerting  myself  in  doing 
good  to  man  by  visiting  the  sick,  &c. 

1 0 .  Enjoyed  during  the  course  of  the  morning  a  sweet 
solemnity  of  soul ;  but  from  wandering  of  thought 
during  the  morning  walk,  I  returned  with  my  mind  more 
clouded.  Read  Matthew  xiii.  and  xiv.  and  by  frequent 
supplications  for  grace,  was  preserved  in  a  good  de- 
gree from  that  pride  and  worldliness  which  I  have  so 
often  found  to  attend  critical  study.  But  in  the  after- 
noon this  solemn  tone  of  mind  degenerated  into  for- 
mality and  stupidity ;  and  in  the  evening  at  tea  with  D. 
tny  unsteady  conversation  betrayed  me  into  most  exces- 
sive levity.  Was  of  course  little  prepared  for  public 
worship.  Yet  during  the  latter  part  of  it,  and  the 
sermon,  I  felt  more  serious,  and  returned  home  ashamed 
of  myself,  and  despising  that  vanity  of  spirit  which  so 
separates  me  from  the  blessed  God.  Oh  that  I  may 
more  deeply  mourn  over  that  guilt  which  I  contract 
daily  by  so  inconsistent  a  walk. 

1 1 .  Rose  with  a  violent  cold  and  cough.  Some  diffi- 
culties about  Algebra  which  I  thought  it  my  duty  to 
examine  for  the  sake  of  my  pupil,  occupied  the  early 
part  of  the  morning  ;  and  the  16th  chap,  of  St.  Matthew 
the  rest.  Spoke  to  T.  about  some  things  which  I 
thought  wrong  in  him  ;  and  though  not  conscious  of 
using  any  particular  harshness  at  the  time,  felt  great 
pain  at  my  having  done  it  without  love.  Oh  why 
should  I  take  upon  myself  to  be  a  reprover,  with  so 
much  to  blame  even  in  my  outward  conduct.  Resolved 
not  to  reprove  any  more  except  I  experience  at  the  time 
a  pecxiliar  contrition  of  spirit,  in  all  cases  where  I  can 
conscientiously  be  silent.  Was  low-spirited  after- 
wards and  during   dinner,    at  the  sense   of  contracted 

guilt.     Drank  wine  with .     But  as  usual  nothing 

was  said  that  could  betray  us  to  be  the  people  of  God. 
Finding  my  throat  sore ;  the  recollection  of  sitting  in 
the  very  room  where  P.  died  presented  me  with  the  view 
of  death.  I  passed  the  greater  part  of  the  evening  in 
self-examination  and  prayer ;  and  reading  the  Psalms 


1803]  JOURNAL.  35 

and  Revelations  as  far  as  my  illness  permitted  me. 
Though  I  could  discover  no  allowed  sin,  yet  my  soul  was 
agitated  with  alternate  hopes  and  fears.  The  promises 
were  clear — as  free,  as  full  as  the  dying  sinner  could 
wish  ;  yet,  alas  1  I  sought  in  vain  for  that  sweetness  of 
meditation  on  death  which  I  ought  and  wished  to  fed. 
Oh !  for  a  more  realizing  faith,  and  the  encouragements 
of  hope  and  love.  Oh  that  I  could  love  indeed.  I 
think  I  can  say  that  I  have  no  other  desire  to  live,  but 
to  live  to  his  glory — but  with  fear  and  trembling  should 
I  say  it,  as  I  have  a  heart  deceitful  above  all  things.  Do 
thou,  my  Saviour,  support  me  through  life  and  death, 
and  I  will  fear  no  evil. 

12.  Cold  rather  worse.  Breakfasted  with  H.  and 
had  some  right  conversation.  Read  Greek  Testament 
during  rooming.  After  dinner  H.  sat  with  me  till 
nine,  and  read  first  some  poetry,  then  Psalms  and 
Hebrews.     Felt  some  secret  fears  of  death. 

1 3.  Heard  Mr.  Simeon  this  morning  on  ' '  the  certainty 
of  the  promises,"  which  I  found  to  be  rather  appropriate 
to  myself.  Read  some  of  the  historical  parts  in  the  after- 
noon, and  was  generally  composed,  though  sometimes 
exceedingly  depressed  in  spirits. 

14.  Rather  better  this  morning  after  taking  exer- 
cise.    Dined  with  Mr.  S.  and  ,  whose  fascinating 

conversation  for  so  long  a  time  led  me  far  from  spiritual 
things. 

15.  Found  great  freedom  in  prayer  this  rooming,  yet 
when  H.  brea^asted  with  me,  had  no  power  to  set  my 
heart  or  tongue  in  tune  for  heaven.  But  for  grace,  this 
self-dependence  would  be  my  ruin. 

16.  Rose  at  half  after  six  with  a  cold  still  violent. 
Was  employed  the  greater  part  of  the  morning  in 
sketching  out  a  sermon  on  1  Cor.  xvi.  22.  On  prepar- 
ing to  go  out,  B.  called  upon  me,  and  our  conversation 
lasted  till  near  dinner  time.  He  thought  that  by  im- 
moderate seclusion  I  deadened  those  fine  feelings  which 
we  should  cultivate,  and  neglected  the  active  duties 
of  life :  that  a  thorough  and  universal  change  of  heart 

D  2 


36  JOURNAL.  [1808 

and  life  was  not  necessary  to  make  us  Christians,  of 
whom  there  might  be  all  degrees,  as  of  every  thing  else. 
His  amazing  volubility  left  me  unable  to  say  any  thing, 
yet  I  kept  my  temper  pretty  well,  not  however  without 
some  risings  of  detestable  pride  and  contempt.  Finished 
the  sketch  of  sermon,  and  read  some  Psidms. 

18.  The  morning  was  passed  in  reading  Matt.  xxvi. 
I  enjoyed  happy  thoughts  of  God.  As  my  walk  was 
much  in  the  town,  I  suffered  a  little  distraction ;  but 
still  thought  myself  strong.  ^'  He  thattrusteth  his  own 
heart  is  a  fool."  S.  and  ■  ,  came  to  me,  and  I 
found  myself  sarcastic  and  destitute  of  all  Christian 
conversation,  though  without  any  particular  sensation 
of  pride  and  bitterness  in  my  heart.  But  my  self^ignorance 
is  truly  deplorable.  How  utterly  forgetful  have  I  been 
this  day  of  the  need  of  Christ's  grace,  of  my  own  vileness 
and  poverty.  Let  me  then  remember,  that  all  apparent 
joy  in  God  without  humility,  is  a  mere  delusion  of  Satan. 

19.  —  drank  tea  with  me  in  the  evening,  and  for 
fear  of  my  besetting  sins,  I  set  a  bridle  on  my  tongue. 
—  with  his  trifling  conversation,  prolonged  to  a  late 
hour,  left  me  dissatisfied. 

20.  Had,  generally  speaking,  a  full  conviction  of  the 
supreme  excellence  of  religion ;  of  its  being  the  one 
thing  needful  to  my  happiness;  of  the  reasonableness 
of  an  entire  devotedness  to  God;  yet  through  levity 
and  sloth,  failed  in  deepening  that  acquaintance  with  the 
things  of  God,  which  has  of  late  been  very  superficial. 

23.  *  *  *  *  Though  I  felt  satisfied 
in  conscience  that  I  had  done,  and  meant  to  do  my  duty 
in  this  business,  yet  the  awfulness  of  the  occasion 
seemed  to  call  upon  me  to  make  this  day  (Ash  Wed- 
nesday) a  fast.  But  I  was,  during  all  the  morning, 
rather  about  to  meditate  than  meditating ;  and  about 
three  o'clock,  finding  myself  extremely  weak  and  faint, 
and  little  able  to  think  of  divine  things,  I  dined  in 
hall— but  during  dinner  and  afterwards,  could  not  help 
despising  myself  for  this  want  of  self-denial. 

27.     Received  the  sacrament  without  distraction,  but 


1803]  JOURNAL.  37 

with  little  ardour. . . .  Had  a  most  violent  headache  in  the 
evening ;  could  do  little  more  than  commend  myself  to 
the  mercy  of  God,  as  I  was  totally  disqualified  for 
reading  and  prayer. 

March  1 — 4.  Much  employed  in  my  various  studies, 
which  are  rather  too  severe  for  my  health. 

6 — 13.  Much  harassed  with  evil  tempers,  levity,  and 
distraction  of  mind,  all  arising  from  want  of  sufficient 
reading  of  the  scriptures.  Alas !  I  hardly  ever  meditate 
upon  them,  but  only  read  without  having  my  thoughts 
intently  fixed. 

14 — 27.  In  general  dejected,  though  not  so  much 
from  a  sense  of  Qod's  displeasure,  as  from  the  sight 
of  my  own  sinfulness>  which  eminently  discovered  itself, 
now  I  had  so  little  power  over  my  besetting  sins,  by 
discontent  and  want  of  love  to  man.  The  lectures  in 
chemistry  and  anatomy  I  was  much  engaged  with, 
without  receiving  much  instruction.  A  violent  cold 
and  cough  led  me  to  prepare  myself  for  an  inquiry 
into  my  views  of  death.  I  was  enabled  to  rest  com- 
posed on  the  Rock  of  Ages.  Oh  what  mercy  shewn  to 
the  chief  of  sinners. 

April  2 .  Dined  with  Mr.  Simeon ,  and  met  Mr.  Atkin- 
son of  Lieeds,  with  whose  company  I  was  exceedingly 
delighted.  The  conversation  was  truly  such  as  became 
the  children  of  God.  The  good  old  Mr.  A.  took  occa- 
sion to  address  himself  particularly  to  me,  as  I  was  in 
the  outset,  not  to  be  discouraged,  and  told  me  I  might 
profit  by  the  experience  of  others,  and  avoid  many  of 
their  difficulties  by  depending  entirely  on  Christ.  His 
remarks  on  *'  Jerusalem,  Jerusalem,  who  killest,''  &c. 
affected  me  much.  The  tender  pity  of  our  Lord  towards 
Jerusalem,  even  when  he  mentioned  so  many  causes  of 
indignation>  was  pressed  to  my  mind  strongly  as  an 
example.  At  tea,  when  Mr.  Simeon  talked  of  divine 
love,i  thought  I  knew  there  was  such  a  thing  as  commu- 
nion of  saints*  I  left  them  with  great  desires  after  the 
spirit  of  Christ,  and  after  the  privileges  attending  com- 
munion with  God. 


38  JOURNAL.  [1803 

12.  Found  that  the  omission  of  my  journal  has  been 
attended  with  bad  effects.  For  the  last  week  I  have  had 
great  want  of  spirituality, — carelessness,  levity,  and 
vanity  of  mind.  It  is  a  mercy  that  God,  instead 
of  giving  me  up  to  a  reprobate  mind,  convinces  me 
of  the  dreadful  corruption  of  my  heart.  Last  night  I 
could  not  but  tremble  at  the  review  of  the  thoughts 
that  had  successively  passed  through  my  mind  in  the 
course  of  the  day,  which  could  not  have  been  there  if  I 
had  been  diligent  to  walk  with  God.  My  present 
ground  of  complaint  is  my  extreme  ignorance  of  God 
and  myself.  His  service,  if  any  self-denial  is  required, 
is  often  a  burden  to  me  ;  and  every  consideration  I  can 
propose  to  myself,  every  prayer  for  a  willing  heart,  are 
often  ineffectual  to  make  me  love  to  do  his  will. 

15%  Was  able  to  believe  God's  word  to  my  own 
comfort,  more  than  for  some  days  past.  Blessed  be  his 
name  for  not  forsaking  me  entirely. 

18.  Read  the  Universal  History  with  reference  to  the 
Bachelor's  prize.  Called  on  Mr.  Simeon,  who  advised 
me  to  desist  from  my  purpose  of  writing  the  essay. 
Felt  pleased  afterwards  at  the  thought  of  having  nothing 
to  disturb  me  from  sacred  studies,  and  in  the  views  of 
having  greater  spirituality  of  mind  preparatory  to  the 
ministry.  Learnt  from  Mr.  Simeon  that  my  views  of 
"  Almost  thou  persuadest  me  to  be  a  Christian,"  were 
wrong,  so  that  all  my  trouble  is  lost. 

22.  Was  ashamed  to  confess  to  —  that  I  was  to 
be  Mr.  Simeon's  curate,  a  despicable  fear  of  man  from 
which  I  vainly  thought  myself  free.  He,  however,  asked 
me  if  I  was  not  to  be,  and  so  I  was  obliged  to  tell  him. 
Jer.  i.  17. 

25.  Rode  to  Lynn.  Mr.  Simeon  went  to  prayer  in 
the  evening.  My  head  ached  extremely  from  the  ride. 
This  added  to  my  having  no  intercourse  with  God,  or 
reading,  made  me  unfit  for  devotion  at  night. 

May  1 .  Walked  with  —  an  hour  in  the  morning, 
and  was  glad  to  find  some  points  in  which  we  did  agree, 
as   it  is   so   seldom  we  meet  without    disputing.     At 


1803]  JOURNAL.  39 

church  felt  nothing  so  much  as  a  want  of  seriousness. 
Walked  with  —  till  dinner,  and  talked  for  talking  s 
sake,  for  my  head  was  I  do  not  know  where.  Then  went 
to  St.  Mary's,  then  walked  with  — ;  this  continued 
employment  with  others  on  the  Sabbath,  fretted  me 
exceedingly ;  yet  when  in  solitude  afterwards,  I  could 
neither  pray  nor  read  with  earnestness;  but  laboured  the 
whole  day  under  a  careless  indifference  about  all  things 
equally. 

6.  Walked  to  Shelford.  Unsettled  in  mind,  and 
unhumbled  in  spirit  most  of  the  day.  In  the  evening 
Mr.  Thomason  had  a  service  which  led  me  to  think  as 
I  was  returning  home,  how  very  superficial  my  expe- 
rience had  been  ;  so  much  so,  that  I  should  be  at  a  loss 
to  describe  the  real  state  of  my  soul.  After  my  prayers, 
my  mind  seems  touched  with  himiility  and  love,  but 
the  impressions  decay  so  soon.  Resolved  for  the  fliture 
to  use  more  watchfulness,  and  reading,  and  prayer. 

7.  Experienced  some  sweetness  in  prayer  this  morn- 
ing, as   I  often  do.     breakfasted  with  me,  but  I 

soon  forgot  the  grounds  I  had  seen  for  humiliation  but 
just  before.  Was  harassed  with  contemptuous  thoughts 
of  the  ministry,  but  prayed  that  the  character  in  Timo- 
thy might  be  mine.  In  my  morning  walk  felt  miser- 
able through  the  pride  and  unbelief  of  my  heart.  Yet 
before  I  had  finished,  perceived  the  reasonableness  of 
meeting  with  people  to  converse  about  their  spiritual 
state,  from  the  similar  process  used  to  form  a  physician, 
who  is  not  content  to  look  at  his  own  body  only,  but 
repairs  to  an  hospital,  and  marks  the  different  cases, 
and  enquires  of  the  patients  themselves. 

8.  Expressed  myself  contemptuously  of ,  who 

preached  at  St.  Mary's.  Such  manifestations  of  arro- 
gance, which  embody  as  it  were  my  inward  pride,  wound 
my  spirit  inexpressibly,  not  to  contrition,  but  to  a 
siJlen  sense  of  guilt.  Read  second  Epistle  to  Timothy. 
I  prayed  with  some  earnestness. 

9 — 14.  Some  days  in.  this  week  my  faith  has  been 
strong.     I  have  rejoiced  to   go  forth  and  to  brave  the 


40  JOURNAL.  [1803 

world.  It  was  accompanied  with  more  simplicity  of 
heart  than  I  usually  feel.  On  Saturday  felt  great  fear 
of  man,  and  yet  was  determined  to  let  slip  no  proper 
occasion   of  speaking  out.     Was  quite  fatigued   with 

being  so  long   with .     On   expressing  my  dislike 

of  such  company,  to  W.  he  suggested  that  it  might 
perhaps  arise  rather  from  feeling  than  principle,  and 
this  witness  is  true,  for  though  I  could  perceive  them  to 
be  in  the  gall  of  bitterness,  I  felt  little  of  pity. 

15.  In  the  first  half  of  this  day,  was  neither  dead 
nor  lively.  After  reading  some  of  the  historical  parts 
of  the  Old  Testament,  I  walked  in  the  fields,  and 
endeavoured  to  consider  my  ways,  and  to  lift  up  my 
heart  to  God.  Though  it  availed  but  little,  the  eflfect 
afterwards  was  good,  for  I  found  myself  more  serious 
and  watchful  during  the  remainder  of  the  day,  parti- 
cularly amongst  the  snares  that  beset  me  at  Trinity 
church. 

29.  Received  the  sacrament.  I  fear  I  do  not 
understand  the  nature  of  it,  as  I  never  receive  benefit 
from  it.  Great  vanity  and  all  sinful  tempers  ruled  in 
my  heart,  but  the  Lord  helped  me  to  humble  myself 
before  him  in  the  evening,  and  I  felt  strong  desires 
that  my  corrupt  affections  might  be  mortified. 

31.  Had  some  disquieting  doubts  why  I  should  not 
speak  to  every  one  I  knew  and  met  about  their  souls. 
From  repeated  experience  I  know  that  this  arises  fipom 
an  unwillingness  to  take  up  my  cross  ;  for  at  those  rare 
seasons  when  I  have  any  love  to  Christ,  no  difliculties 
lie  then  in  the  way. 

June  5.  From  reading  some  of  Law's  Serious  Call, 
perceived  the  vanity  and  meanness  of  the  thoughts  of 
the  carnal  heart ;  and  longed  to  live  far  beyond  the 
world,  and  in  the  general  course  of  this  sabbath  was 
more  free  from  those  vain  and  self-esteeming  thoughts 
which  keep  me  very  low  in  the  divine  life. 

6.  Rose  at  half  after  five,  according  to  the  impulse 
I  received  from  reading  Law.  Breakfasted  with  F — , 
and  spoke  in  praise  of  humility,  but  was  not  humble. 


1803]  JOURNAL.  41 

Was  grieved  that  I  had  not  been  feithful  to  God  at 
dinner  time,  when  the  conversation  seemed  to  call  upon 
me  to  speak  out.  Endeavoured  to  convince  —  of  the 
impropriety  of  reading  newspapers  on  Sundays,  but  all 
in  vain. 

11.  This  day  I  would  with  thankfulness  number 
among  my  dies  fasti.  From  having  risen  rather  later 
than  usual,  I  felt  rather  humbled  at  the  remem- 
brance of  mis-spent  hours ;  and  while  this  frame  of  mind 
continued,  all  the  powers  of  my  soul  were  perceptibly 
rectified.  The  last  three  chapters  of  St.  John  were 
peculiarly  sweet,  and  I  longed  to  love. 

12.  Rose  in  heaviness  through  sinful  thoughts  seiz- 
ing me  at  time  of  waking,  and  continued  so  during 
the  day  through  manifold  temptations.  After  St. 
Mary's  in  the  afternoon,  walked  with  —  and  was 
exceedingly  irritated  and  hurried  by  conversation  with 
him  about  religion.  The  wrath  of  man  worketh  not 
the  righteousness  of  God.  I  felt  grieved  in  my  own 
mind,  and  troubled  from  the  opposition  of  men,  and  I 
said,  Oh  that  I  had  wings  like  a  dove  1  for  then  would 
I  flee  away  and  be  at  rest.  So  then  would  I  wander 
afar  off,  and  remain  in  the  wilderness. 

13 — 24.  Passed  in  tolerable  comfort  upon  the  whole ; 
though  I  could  on  no  day  say  my  walk  had  been  close 
with  God.  Read  Sir  G.  Staunton's  Embassy  to  China, 
and  was  convinced  of  the  propriety  of  being  sent  thither. 
But  I  have  still  the  spirit  of  worldly  men  when  I  read 
worldly  books.  I  felt  more  curiosity  about  the  man-> 
ners  of  this  people  than  love  and  pity  towards  their 
souls.  Wrote  some  letters  to  Christian  friends  and 
received  some.  Sargent  warns  me  to  self-examination. 
His  lively  devotion  in  the  midst  of  such  snares  may 
well  shame  me.  May  the  Lord  make  him  to  be  an 
example  to  us  all. 

25.  I  experience  a  want  of  variety  in  prayer,  and  am 
unable  to  pray  with  my  whole  heart  and  soul ;  as  I  ob- 
served in  the  morning.  Lost  the  morning  in  endea- 
vouring to  construct  some  paper  figures  on  dialling. 


42  JOURNAL.  [1803 

Attacked  with  strong  temptations  in  my  walk,  but  through 
grace  overcame  them,  aldiough  with  pain,  by  recalling  to 
mind  the  promises  in  the  three  first  chapters  of  Revela- 
tion, **  to  him  that  overcometh/'  &c.  Thought  besides, 
has  God  commanded  me  to  use  self-denial  merely  to 
give  me  pain,  and  not  rather  to.  perfect  my  happiness? 
The  particular  promises,  **  him  that  overcometh  wiU  I 
make  a  pillar  in  the  temple  of  my  God,  and  he  shall 
go  no  more  out,"  &c.  dwelt  a  long  time  afterwards  on 
my  mind,  and  diffused  an  affectionate  reverence  of 
God.  Was  seized  with  excessive  hilarity  in  company 
with  H —  in  the  afternoon,  which  rendered  me  unfit 
for  serious  conversation,  though  H — seemed  inclined  to 
it*  This  is  frequently  the  case,  especially  after  severe 
study  either  of  temporal  or  spiritual  kind.  It  seems 
merely  animal,  for  I  would  gladly  exchange  it  for  sym- 
pathy, so  that  my  heart  might  be  tender  and  pathetic 
without  the  pain  of  grief.  Walked  to  the  hawthorn 
hedge,  and  on  my  way  felt  the  force  of  Baxter's  observa- 
tion, in  his  directions  for  solemnity  in  the  work  of 
meditation, — that  if  an  angel  had  appointed  to  meet  me, 
how  full  of  awe  I  should  be, — how  much  more  then 
when  I  was  about  to  meet  God  As  this  was  my  first 
set  attempt  for  a  long  time,  I  found  it  necessary  to 
know  the  state  of  my  own  heart,  in  which  I  could  find 
no  wilful  neglect,  but  most  lamentable  ignorance  and 
pride.  I  commended  myself  to  his  mercy,  and  prayed 
for  the  guidance  of  the  Spirit  of  Christ,  but  expe- 
rienced no  true  joy.  I  devoted  myself  to  him  solemnly, 
and  trust  that  when  tempted  to  sin  I  shall  remember 
this  walk. 

.  26.  A  nervous  headache  prevented  me  reading  this 
morning.  Walked  in  the  garden,  but  found  it  difiicult 
to  raise  my  heart  to  Grod.  Learnt  by  heart  St.  Paul's 
discourse.  Acts  xx.  and  Epistle  to  the  Philippians,  as 
this  did  not  require  my  fixing  my  eyes  on  a  book.  D. 
walked  with  me  to  Trinity  Church,  and  with  him  I 
found  myself  more  meek  and  serious  than  I  have  been 
for  many  Sundays. 


1803]  LBTTBR,  43 

St.  John's,  June  30,  1803. 
Dear  Sargent, 

*  *  *  I  feel  ashamed  that  you  express  any 
satisfaction  in  corresponding  with  me.  Grod  only 
knows  how  poor  and  shallow  I  am  ;  and  if  any  good 
should  ever  arise  to  you  by  my  means,  it  must  be  ascribed 
to  his  wisdom,  who  can  use  the  meanest  instruments  to 
effect  his  purposes.  What  shall  I  say  to  him  for  giving 
me  such  a  friend  as  you  are  likely  to  prove.  One  who 
fears  not  to  give  offence  by  speaking  the  trutb,  and  who 
would  seek  to  improve  the  Spirit,  rather  than  please 
the  flesh  *****        M^^y  yQu^ 

as  long  as  you  shall  give  me  your  acquaintance,  direct 
me  to  the  casting  down  of  all  high  imaginations. 
Possibly  it  may  be  a  cross  to  you  to  tell  me  or  any  one 
of  his  faults.  But  should  I  be  at  last  a  cast*away,  or 
at  least  dishonour  Christ  through  some  sin,  which  for 
want  of  faithful  admonition  remained  unmortified,  how 
bitter  would  be  your  reflections  !  I  conjure  you  there- 
fore, my  dear  friend,  as  you  value  the  good  of  the  souls 
to  whom  I  am  to  preach,  and  my  own  eternal  interests, 
that  you  tell  me  what  you  think  to  be,  in  my  life,  spirit, 
or  temper,  not  according  to  the  will  of  God  my  Saviour. 
You  profess  your  need  of  humiliation.  I  wish  my  own 
experience  could  assist  you  in  this  the  most  important 
part  of  our  sanctification.  In  examining  myself  accord- 
ing to  your  advice,  on  this  head  it  seems  (for  the  work 
of  inquiry  is  so  exceedingly  difficult  that  I  can  hardly 
say  with  certainty  what  I  have  known,  or  whether  I 
have  known  any  thing  on  this  subject)  that  I  seek  my 
humility  rather  from  views  of  God's  greatness  and  the 
example  of  Christ,  than  of  my  own  corruption.  Now, 
though  the  former  views  may  assist  in  producing  the 
effect,  yet  the  impressions  arising  from  them  are  neces- 
sarily transient,  whereas  that  humility  which  arises  from 
just  views  of  ourselves  may  be  as  abiding  as  our  own 
consciousness,    and  be  brought  into  exercise  by  every 


44  LETTERS.  [1803 

thing  we  do,  or  speak,  or  think.  It  has  greatly  dis- 
tressed me  to  think  how  slow  my  heart  is  to  yield  to 
the  convictions  of  reason ;  how  unable  to  mourn  when 
I  should  be  lying  low  in  the  dust.  On  reading  the 
words  of  our  Lord  to  the  lukewarm  Laodiceans,  the 
form  of  the  words  is  very  striking  and  comforting. 
'*  Because  thou  knowest  not  that  thou  art  wretched, 
&C)  I  counsel  thee  to  buy  of  me  eye-salve  that  thou 
mayest  see/'  so  that  there  is  provision  made  for  those 
whom  of  all  others  God  holds  most  in  abhorrence  ;  the 
blind,  (to  their  sins,)  the  hard-hearted,  and  the  proud. 
Were  it  not  so,  what  would  become  of  me  ?  Happily 
for  us,"  the  covenant  is  ordered  in  all  things  and  sure ;" 
and  it  is  not  left  to  our  own  wisdom,  but  to  that  ado- 
rable agent,  the  Spirit  of  God,  to  perform  that  good 
work  which  he  hath  begun  in  us.  May  we  be  both 
conformed  to  the  bright  image  of  the  dear  Redeemer, 
especially  in  meekness  and  lowliness  of  heart.  I  feel 
for  you,  lest  by  a  fatal  comparison  with  those  around 
you,  you  should  be  induced  to  lower  the  standard  of 
Christian  morality  in  your  own  practice.  This  is  a 
temptation  to  which  I  am  prone  even  here.  But  let 
us  remember,  that  God  judgeth  according  to  every 
man's  work,  and  not  relatively.  He  marks  his  secret 
walk,  and  his  view  of  him  is  precisely  the  same,  what- 
ever be  the  change  of  the  opinions  of  the  man  of 
himself,  or  of  others  concerning  him.  Let  us  then 
walk  in  the  Spirit—         #  #  #  #         # 

D.  has  heard  about  a  religious  young  man  of  seven- 
teen, who  wants  to  come  to  College,  but  has  only  £20. 
a  year.  He  is  very  clever,  and  from  the  perusal  of  some 
poems  which  he  has  published,  I  am  much  interested 
about  him.     His  name  is  H.  K.  White. 

#  #  *  We  remembered  our  friend  Sar- 
gent at  our  prayer  at  Mr.  Simeon's  room  on  Thursday 
evening.  Pray  that  I  may  have  true  piety  and  fitness 
for  my  work. 

Your's  ever, 

Henry  Martyn. 


]  803]  JOURNAL.  45 

Jtdy  10.  Great  ignorance  of  my  own  heart,  pride, 
censoriousness,  and  discontent  have  beset  me  for  some 
tune.  A  letter  from  Sargent  recommending  diligent  self- 
examination,  taught  me  how  little  I  bad  been  used  to 
look  within,  and  I  was  somewhat  humbled  at  not  know* 
ing  how  to  describe  my  own  state.  I  was  much  dejected 
at  finding  myself  so  low  in  Christianity,  which  suffi^^ 
ciently  showed  the  truth  of  what  had  been  said^ 
Resolved,  however,  this  week,  to  be  earnest  and  searching 
in  examining  myself,  and  to  be  lying  low  in  the  dust 
before  God.  I  ought  to  have  my  heart  impressed  with  a 
sense  of  my  weakness,  misery,  and  sin.  Read  Law  on  the 
subject,  and  Adams ; — ^was  employed  in  reading  Butler's 
Analogy,  Romans  in  Greek,  and  2  Chronicles. 

On  10th,  Mr.  Simeon  preached  on  Psalm  cxxxix,  two 
last  verses.  "  Search  me,  O  God,  and  try  my  heart,"  &c. 
How  applicable  to  my  own  case  I  I  have  little  pleasure 
lately  in  divine  things,  owing  to  my  fears,  lest  my 
religion  should  become  superficial  again. 

14.  Endeavoured  for  some  days  past  to  seek  the 
increase  of  humility,  not  entirely  without  success,  though 
very  small. 

17.  Rose  at  half-past  five,  and  walked  a  little  before 
chapel  in  a  happy  frame  of  mind ;  but  the  sunshine  was 
presently  overcast  by  my  carelessly  neglecting  to  speak 
for  the  good  of  two  men,  when  I  had  an  opportunity. 
The  pain  was  moreover  increased  by  the  prospect  of  the 
incessant  watchfulness  for  opportunities  I  should  use ; 
nevertheless  resolved  that  I  would  do  so  through  grace* 
The  dreadful  act  of  disobeying  God,  and  the  baseness 
of  being  unwilling  to  incur  the  contempt. of  men,  for 
the  sake  of  the  Lord  Jesus,  who  had  done  so  much  for 
me,  and  the  cruelty  of  not  longing  to  save  souls,  were 
the  considerations  that  pressed  on  my  mind. 

18 — 30.  Gained  no  ground  in  sill  this  time ;  stayed 
a  few  days  at  Shelford,  but  was  much  distracted  and 
unsettled  for  want  of  solitude.  Felt  the  passion  of  envy 
rankle  in  my  bosom  on  a  certain  occasion.  Seldom 
enjoyed  peace,  but  was  much  under  the  power  of  cor- 


46  JOURNAL.  [1803 

ruption.  Read  Butler's  Analogy ;  Jon.  Edwards  on  the 
Affections;  in  great  hopes  that  this  book  will  be  of 
essential  use  to  me. 

31 .  Was  not  diligent  in  improving  the  time  between 
chapel,  nor  serious  in  reading  and  prayer.  »  *  » 
Was  so  relaxed  in  the  afternoon,  as  to  be  incapable  of 
any  exertion  of  body  or  mind.  It  then  appeared  to  me, 
that  if  I  could  not  read,  that  was  the  time  for  visiting, 
but  I  sought  to  find  some  excuse  for  not  going.  Oh, 
the  dreadful  consequence  of  not  obeying  conscience. 
After  some  consideration,  however,  I  determined  to  do 
the  will  of  God  without  shrinking  from  the  self-denial. 
Wrote  to  recreate  myself,  and  then  it  was  chapel-time. 

Afterwards  meant  to  go  to  visit but  I  suffered  a 

trifling  consideration  to  keep  me  away.  Oh  my  soul, 
compare  thyself  with  St.  Paul,  and  with  the  example  and 
precepts  of  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ.  Was  it  not  his  meat 
and  drink  to  do  the  will  of  his  heavenly  Father  ?  At 
night  a  terrible  thunderstorm  came  on.  Instead  of  en- 
joying the  solemn  scene  in  sweet  security,  my  heart  was 
conscious  of  not  having  walked  with  God,  and  gloomy 
fear  prevailed. 

Aug.  1.  Under  great  darkness  and  discontent, 
which  continued  through  great  part  of  the  day,  as 
I  had  no  opportunity  of  reading.  In  the  evening 
found  some  degree  of  peace  in  returning  to  the  Lord. 
But  all  the  graces  of  the  Spirit  are  very  low.  Im- 
perfect views  of  Christ.  No  realizing  of  heaven  or 
eternal  -things,  no  happy  walk  with  God.  Visited  Mrs. 
S.  in  the  evening,  and  talked  with  her  and  her  hus- 
band about  religion,  and  went  to  prayer,  but  was 
ashamed  to  think  I  had  prayed  so  hypocritically  in 
the  name  of  another,  as  it  were  without  being  myself 
benefited. 

26.  Time  taken  up  from  half-past  ten  till  two,  in 
drilling  the  fellows  and  pupils.  In  the  afternoon, 
remembered  in  prayer  the  reasons  I  had  yesterday  seen 
for  activity  in  the  work  of  the  ministry,  so  far  as  it 
belonged  to  me.     But  though  one's  reason  cannot  but 


[1803  JOURNAL.  47 

see  how  good  it  must  be  to  be  employed  about  that 
church  which  He  hath  purchased  with  his  own  blood, 
yet  how  perverse  is  the  will.  It  appeared  to-day,  when 
it  was  even  in  a  better  frame  than  commonly,  to  be 
very  far  removed  from  that  pleasure  and  cheerfrdness 
with  which  the  children  of  God  do  their  works  of  love. 
No,  instead  of  having  my  will  swallowed  up  in  God's, 
instead  of  hearkening  to  the  voice  of  his  word,  instead 
of  placing  the  happiness  and  joy  of  my  soul  in  a  con- 
stant imitating  of  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ,  in  going  about 
doing  good,  it  is  my  will  rather  to  sit  down,  to  please 
myself  with  reading,  and  let  the  world  perish.  I  see  a 
great  work  before  me  now,  namely,  the  subduing  and 
mortifying  of  my  perverted  will.  What  am  I  that  I 
should  dare  to  do  my  own  will,  even  if  I  were  not  a 
sinner,  but  now  how  plain,  how  reasonable  to  have  the 
love  of  Christ  constraining  me  to  be  his  faithful,  willing 
servant,  cheerfully  taking  up  the  cross  that  he  shall 
appoint  me. 

30.  Called  twice  on  —  to-day,  but  he  was 
asleep.  Passed  this  rainy  morning  in  reading  Hebrew, 
abridging  Hopkins,  and  Epistle  to  Philippians  in  Greek 
Testament.  Walked  in  Trinity  Cloisters,  was  greatly 
distressed  and  miserable  at  not  having  spoken  to  an 
old  man  with  whom  I  might  have  conversed,  and  again 
for  not  joining  some  gownsmen  to  whom  I  might 
have  done  good,  and  for  having  attempted  to  begin 
a  religious  conversation  with  —  in  a  most  unreason- 
able and  uncharitable  manner.  My  conscience  was  pain* 
fully  wounded  as  if  by  unfaithfulness  to  God,  and  my 
spirits  depressed  at  the  prospect  of  being  much  with  men 
and  having  to  speak  to  them  in  spite  of  their  contempt 
and  hatred.  Nevertheless  resolved  to  do  the  will  of 
God,  whatever  it  might  be. 

Sept.  4.  (Sunday.)  Felt  more  affection  and  freedom 
in  prayer  this  morning,  and  read  the  Scriptures  with 
satisfaction,  but  somehow  or  other  after  the  walk,  got 

wrong.     Dined  at but  none  of  us  were  in  tune^ 

Heard  —  in  the  evening  with  great  satisfaction.  Returned 


48  JOURNAL.  [1803 

home  wearied  with  religious  language,  aud  found  that 
not  even  prayer  was  profitable,  without  having  my  mind 
stocked  with  ideas,  and  impressed  with  awful  thoughts 
of  Grod.  Went  to  church  again  a(  seven,  and  heard 
—  on  **  Simon,  Son  of  Jonas,  lovest  thou  me?  "  The 
having  the  Saviour  uppermost  in  my  thoughts,  and 
speaking  of  him  with  ddight  and  love,  would  be  a  severe 
criterion  to  me.  Oh,  what  a  hard  ungrateful  heart 
must  I  have,  to  requite  the  tender  love  of  Christ  in 
the  way  I  do. 

5.  Rather  hurried,  from  the  variety  of  persons  I  had 
been  with,  but  had  a  sweet  supporting  sense  of  God's 
presence  in  the  evening,  when  I  walked  by  moonlight. 

6.  Employed  in  Hebrew;  abridged  Hopkins  and 
Greek  Testament. 

7.  Under  great  anxiety  all  the  morning,  in  the 
prospect  of  the  service  I  had  promised  to  do  in  the 
evening.  After  praying  at  noon,  foimd  myself  some- 
what more  disposed  to  labour  for  the  good  of  the  souls 
of  others,  though  the  clouds  of  sin  which  hide  from 
my  view  the  excellences  of  active  godliness  gathered 
again,  and  the  pain  and  trouble  of  a  perverse  and 
slothful  heart.  I  want  greater  deadness  to  the  world, 
for  I  believe  that  my  aversion  to  officiate  in  public,  and 
at  social  meetings,  arises  more  from  a  concern  about  the 
opinion  of  men,  than  from  the  actual  trouble  of  it.  A 
want  of  self-recollection  on  those  occasions  which  has 
led  me  to  speak  in  prayer  without  thinking,  makes  me 
also  shrink  from  it. 

Frayed  with  more  satisfaction  than  usual,  great  tran* 
quillity  of  mind  in  the  evening.  No  change  to  be 
observed  in  M.  though  I  call  upon  him  every  day. 

9.  Walked  to  L —  alone.  My  mind  was  cheerful 
and  composed  on  the  road  at  first,  but  found  an 
emptiness  of  thought  afterwards,  for  want  of  reading. 
Endeavoured  to  fix  my  thoughts  on  the  subject,  of  the 
use  of  imagination  in  religion.  Was  rather  dispirited 
through  fear  of  growing  cold,  as  I  advanced  in  life 
through   the  decay   of  this  inventive  faculty.     But  I 


1803]  JOURNAL.  49 

could  not  so  much  as  define  imagination.  I  fear  my 
mind  is  in  a  very  uncultivated  state  as  it  respects  com- 
position and  exertion  of  thought,  but  I  have  not  yet  seen 
it  my  duty  to  alter  the  nature  of  my  present  studies. 
I  chiefly  want  more  deadness  to  the  world,  and  indiffe* 
rence  to  the  opinions  of  men. 

10.  Was  most  deeply  affected  with  reading  the 
account  of  the  apostacy  of  Lewis  and  Broomhall,  in  the 
transactions  of  the  Missionary  Society.  When  I  first 
came  to  the  account  of  the  awful  death  of  the  former, 
I  cannot  describe  the  sense  I  had  of  the  reality  of 
religion, — that  there  is  a  God  who  testifies  his  hatred 
of  sin  ;  **  my  flesh  trembled  for  fear  of  his  judgments.'' 
Afterwards  coming  to  the  account  of  Broomhall's 
sudden  turn  to  Deism,  I  could  not  help  even  bursting 
into  tears  of  anxiety  and  terror  at  my  own  extreme 
danger ;  because  I  have  often  thought,  that  if  I  ever 
should  make  shipwreck,  it  would  be  on  the  rocks  of 
sensuality  or  infidelity.  The  hoUowness  of  Broom- 
hall's  arguments  was  so  apparent,  that  I  could  only 
attribute  his  fall  to  the  neglect  of  inquiring  after  the 
rational  foundation  of  his  faith. 

At  night,  on  reviewing  the  business  of  the  day,  th^ 
subjects  I  had  been  readmg  fixed  my  sole  attention*  I 
asked  myself  the  grounds  of  my  faith,  and  why  my 
experience  was  not,  according  to  Broomhall's  conceit, 
all  a  delusion.  Previous  to  all  revelation,  he  had  con- 
vinced himself  that  the  soul  was  mortal  in  this  way. 
The  soul  exists,  and  is  therefore  extended,  therefore 
material,  therefore  dissoluble.  But  by  this  mode  of 
reasoning,  he  would  prove  that  God  was  mortal.  Hence 
by  proving  too  much,  he  proves  nothing.  But  inde- 
pendently of  this,  there  are  links  wanting  in  every  part 
of  the  chain.  What  is  meant  by  extension  ?  We  do 
not  know ;  it  is  something  we  perceive  to  belong  to 
matter.  But  it  cannot  be  hence  concluded,  that  because 
a  thing  exists,  it  is  therefore  extended,  unless  it  be 
shewn  that  nothing  exists  but  matter.  But  this  cannot 
be  proved  without  arguing  in  a  circle.     Again,   if  it 

E 


50  '  JOURNAL.  [1803 

appeared  that  the  soul  were  dissoluble,  it  would  not 
contradict  that  opinion  of  the  soul's  immortality  which 
we  hold,  namely,  that  it  is  immortal,  not  extrinsically, 
which  no  being  is  but  the  self-existeut  one,  but  only  by 
the  continued  preservation  of  its  Creator.  His  argu- 
ment therefore  in  no  way  proves  that  the  soul  will  die; 
Neither  will  the  gradual  advance  or  decline  of  reason  in 
the  early  and  later  stages  of  life,  nor  the  child's  likeness 
in  temper  to  the  parents,  shew  it  to  be  probable.  Because 
were  it  so,  no  instance  ought  to  occur,  wherein  a  mortal 
disease  did  not  affect  the  powers  of  the  mind.  Whereas 
many  might  occur,  as  Butler  says,  wherein  persons,  the 
moment  before  death,  appear  to  be  in  the  highest  vigour 
of  life.  They  discover  reason,  apprehension,  memory,  all 
entire,  with  the  utmost  force  of  affection ;  also  the 
sense  of  shame,  and  honour,  even  to  the  last  gasp. 
The  child's  likeness  in  disposition  to  his  parents, 
may  be  accounted  for,  either  on  the  hypothesis  of  the 
child's  soul  being  produced  by  natural  generation,  or  on 
the  hypothesis  that  his  body  being  similar  to  their's,  and 
bodies  affecting  the  mind,  his  mind  resembles  their's. 
Till  this  second  h3rpothesis  can  be  shewn  to  be  of  no 
weight,  or  of  less  weight  than  the  former,  no  probable 
argument  can  be  founded  on  the  former.  But  the  first 
chapter  of  Butler's  Analogy  is  a  complete  answer  to  all 
attempted  proofs  of  the  materiality  and  mortality  of  the 
soul.  Still  it  seems  that  reason  cannot  discover  the 
certainty  of  the  immortality  of  the  soul.  If  any  could 
have  attained  to  a  determinate  conclusion  on  this  point, 
one  would  suppose  the  ancient  philosophers  would  have 
done  it.  But  the  Stoics  and  Epicureans  denied  it.  Plato 
was  the  first  that  supported  the  doctrine.  What  his 
arguments  are,  I  do  not  know.  If  they  be  founded  on 
his  hypothesis,  that  the  soul  is  an  immaterial  emanation 
from  the  Deity,  or  soul  of  the  world,  they  must  be 
unsound.  As  far  as  I  am  able  to  suspend  for  a  while 
my  belief  in  my  present  notions,  I  should  suppose  that 
that  which  thinks  in  me  was  immaterial,  or  something 
essentially  different  from   matter ;  for  supposing  it  to 


1803]  JOURNAL.  £1 

possess  all  the  other  properties  of  matter,  it  certainly  has 
no  inertia,  for  it  needs  no  external  agent  to  set  it  in 
motion.  But  concerning  the  immortality  of  it,  I  think 
I  shoidd  remain  in  doubt. 

But  I  hear  that  there  is  a  book  professing  to  be  Bt 
revelation  from  a  Being,  who  in  it  is  declared  to  have 
created  me  and  all  things  else.  That  I  had  a  Creator 
is  highly  probable,  and  that  he  should  make  a  revelation 
is  no  way  absurd.  I  therefore  examine  the  evidences 
for  the  truth  of  his  Bible.  The  genuineness  of  the 
books  of  the  Old  and  New  Testament  is  as  clearly  (and 
more  so)  established  as  that  of  any  other  book  extant. 
Upon  this,  therefore,  my  mind  is  perfectly  made  up. 
Now,  amid  all  the  ai^gimients  for  the  truth  of  Christianity, 
the  most  irresistible  to  me,  is  the  foreign  testimony  to  the 
martyrdom  of  so  many  of  the  immediate  successors  of  the 
writers  of  those  books ;  for  I  can  ascribe  their  endurance 
unto  death,  to  nothing  else  but  to  their  belief  in  the 
miracles  of  Jesus  Christ,  contained  in  those  books.  I 
feel  perfectly  convinced,  therefore,  by  this,  (not  concluding 
the  other  argument)  that  the  whole  system  of  Chris* 
tianity  is  divine.  And  since  adopting  the  Gospel  as  the 
ground  of  my  hope  and  rule  of  my  life,  I  feel  the  force 
of  the  arguments  drawn  from  its  exalted  morality.  In 
so  large  a  work,  by  so  many  writers  in  such  d^erent 
ages,  never  to  meet  with  any  thing  puerile,  or  inconsis- 
tent with  their  own  representations  of  the  Deity,  is  a 
circumstance  quite  unparalleled  in  any  other  book, 
whether  on  a  different  subject,  or  drawn  from  it.  Res- 
pecting what  is  called  the  experience  of  Christians,  it 
is  certain  we  have  no  reason,  from  the  mere  contem- 
plation of  them,  to  ascribe  the  operations  of  our  minds 
to  an  extrinsic  agent,  because  they  arise  from  their 
proper  causes,  and  are  directed  to  their  proper  ends. 
The  truth  or  falsehood  of  pretences  to  the  experience  of 
divine  agency  must  depend  on  the  truth  or  falsehood 
of  scripture.  That  warrants  us  sufficiently,  for  **itis 
God  that  worketh  in  us  to  will  and  to  do  of  hb  good 
pleasure,''  which  passage,  while  it  asserts  the  reality  of 

E  2 


52  JOURNAL.  [1803 

God's  influence,  points  out  also  the  manner  of  his  act^ 
ing  ;  for  he  works  in  us  to  will,  before  he  works  in  us 
to  do.  This  effectually  guards  against  fanaticism,  for 
no  one  pretends  he  can  put  his  finger  on  those  myste- 
rious springs  that  move  the  will,  or  knows  where  they 
lie :  no  one  therefore  can  say,  *  now  God  is  exerting 
his  influence/  He  may  reasonably  indeed,  and  ought  to 
ascribe  every  good  thought  to  Grod,  but  still  every  good 
in  him  is  but  the  effect  of  something  preceding ;  his 
first  perception,  therefore,  is  posterior  to  the  moving 
cause ;  which  must  hence  be  for  ever  concealed  from 
the  immediate  knowledge  of  man. 

I  have  been  running  on  at  random  in  metaphysics, 
— ^but  to  return.  I  am  convinced  that  Christian  experi- 
ence in  general  is  not  a  delusion.  Whether  mine  is  or 
not,  will  be  seen  at  the  last  day.  My  object  in  making 
this  journal,  is  to  accustom  myself  to  self-examination, 
to  give  my  experience  a  visible  form,  so  as  to  leave  an 
impression  on  the  memory,  and  so  to  improve,  my  soul 
in  holiness  ;  for  the  review  of  such  a  lasting  testimony, 
will  serve  the  double  end  of  conviction  and  consolation. 
I  pretend  not  to  record  all  that  I  remember,  and  that  not 
on  account  of  its  minuteness,  for  nothing  is  strictly  so, 
but  because  in  some  cases  it  would  be  improper  to  com- 
mit it  to  paper.  I  desire  to  collect  the  habit  of  my  mind^ 
to  discover  my  besetting  sins,  the  occasion  of  calling  them 
forth,  and  the  considerations  by  which  I  have  at  any 
time  been  stirred  up  to  duty.  May  God  in  his  mercy 
save  me  from  the  delusions  of  my  deceitful  heart,  and 
pardon  the  indifference  with  which  I  speak  and  think  of 
sin,  and  of  this  record,  which  may  be  of  everlasting 
importance  to  my  soul. 

11.*  Strong  return  of  old  and  sinful  prejudices  after 
morning  service.  But  enjoyed  tolerable  peace  the  rest 
of  the  day. 

12.  Found  Moyses  speechless  this  morning.  Read 
some  of  the  minor  prophets,  and  Greek  Testament,  and 
the  number  of  the  Missionary  Transactions.  H.  drank 
tea    with   me   in    the  evening.     I  read  some  of  the 


1803]  JOURNAL.  53 

Missionaiy  accounts.  The  account  of  their  sufferings 
and  diligence  could  not  but  tend  to  lower  my  notions  of 
myself.  I  was  almost  ashamed  at  my  having  such  com- 
forts about  me,  and  atpmy  own  unprofitableness. 

13.  Received  a  letter  from  my  sister,  in  which  she 
expressed  her  opinion  of  my  unfitness  for  the  work  of  a 
Missionary.  My  want  of  Christian  experience  filled  me 
with  many  disquieting  doubts,  and  this  thought  troubled 
me  among  many  others,  as  it  has  often  done.  *  I  am 
not  only  not  so  holy  as  I  ought,  but  I  do  not  strive  to 
have  my  soul  wrought  up  to  the  highest  pitch  of  devo- 
tion every  moment.  But  now  if  my  salvation  rested 
upon  the  covenant  of  works,  I  should  thus  strive.  It 
follows,  therefore,  that  I  am  making  grace  an  occasion 
of  sin.'  To  another  person  making  this  objection,  I 
should  answer,  that  those  who  have  fled  to  Jesus  in  the 
sense  of  their  own  sinfulness  and  helplessness,  are  deli- 
vered from  the  law  as  a  covenant  of  works,  and  receive 
it  only  as  a  rule  of  life.  But  how  shall  we  know  when 
we  make  it  a  rule  of  life  ? 

Could  not  satisfactorily  make  up  my  mind  on  this 
subject,  but  retired  to  bed  with  my  mind  rather  more 
calm. 

14.  By  a  watchful  endeavour  to  preserve  proper 
thoughts  of  my  own  meanness,  and  of  the  love  of 
Christ  during  my  reading,  my  mind  was  more  spi* 
ritual  and  more  able  to  commune  with  God.  Walked 
in  the  afternoon  to  Stapleford  with  H.  but  the  feelings 
of  my  heart  by  the  way,  were  not  often  those  of  a  peni- 
tent and  tender  heart.  When  afterwards  in  company 
with  C.  was  continually  falling  into  levities,  which  my 
conscience  condemned. 

15.  My  spirit  seemed  to  be  still  given  to  prayer,  as 
yesterday  morning,  and  I  found  the  benefit  of  it  when  I 
walked  at  twelve  with  — ,  and  I  was  more  composed 
than  I  usually  am  before  a  man  to  whom  I  am  obliged 
to  speak  unwillingly  about  religion.  Read  Hebrew,  and 
the  Greek  of  Hebrews.  This  epistle  is  not  only  not  the 
most  uninteresting,  as  it  formerly  was,  but  now  the 


54  JOURNAL.  [1803 

sweetest  portion  of  Scripture  I  know;  partly,  I  suppose, 
because  I  can  look  up  to  Jesus  as  High  Priest  for  me. 
Still  I  may  very  often  doubt,  with  reason,  whether  I  am 
interested  in  him ;  yet  oh,  how  free  his  loTe  to  the  chief 
of  sinners! 

17.  Assailed  by  proud,  unbelieving,  discontented 
thoughts  again  to  day,  but  was  not  long  under  the 
power  of  them.  Read  Dr.  Vanderkemp's  mission  to 
Cafiraria.  What  a  man  !  In  heaven  I  shall  think 
myself  well  oflF,  if  I  obtain  but  the  lowest  seat  among 
such,  though  now  I  am  fond  of  giving  mysdf  a  high 
one. 

18.  Prayed  with  some  fervour  for  assistance  in  mor- 
tification, as  I  find  myself  little  disposed  to  keep  my 
body  under.  But  afterwards  gave  way  to  many  despi- 
cable vanities  about  my  appearance,  which  soon  spread 
darkness  over  my  heart.  Heard  D.  at  St.  Mary's.  At  Mr. 
Simeon's,  when  he  delivered  his  text  from  John  xvii. 
9,  10,  I  felt  ashamed  and  provoked  at  my  folly,  now 
that  I  was  about  to  lose  the  enjoyment  I  should  other* 
wise  have  had  from  this  subject,  from  the  pain  my  sins 
had  caused.  After  dinner  read  Hebrews  xii.  and  xiii. 
and  was  in  a  composed  frame  throughout  the  remainder 
of  the  day  ;  not  in  the  bitterness  of  unrepented  sin,  nor 

*yet  tender  and  affectionate.  Many  vanities  sprung  up 
imperceptibly  at  chapel,  and  again  I  omitted  an  oppor- 
tunity of  speaking  for  the  good  of  others.  My  sins  are 
more  in  number  than  the  hairs  of  my  head  ;  well  might 
I  doubt  of  the  possibility  of  being  sanctified  and  saved, 
were  not  that  to  make  things  worse.  Mr.  Simeon  preached 
in  the  evening  a  most  convincing  sermon  on  Mark  ii. 
17.  I  could  not  but  feel  my  need  of  a  physician,  such 
as  Jesus ;  and  also  the  folly  of  unbelief ;  nevertheless, 
my  sins  pressed  heavily  on  my  heart* 

19.  Breakfasted  with  C — ,  and  was  much  too  con- 
formed to  my  old  behaviour  of  levity  and  arrogance. 
Read  Hebrew;  and  the  Greek  Testament.  —  drank 
tea  with  me  in  the  evening  ;  my  hope  of  him  is  become 
more  sanguine.     May  his  will  be  thoroughly  subdued  to 


1803]  JOURNAL.  55 

the  obedience  of  faith.  With  —  to  day,  but  seemed 
fearful  of  pressing  home  the  humbling  truths  of  the 
gospel  to  him,  though  he  receives  all  I  say  with  candour. 

22.  Two  men  from  Clare  Hall  breakfasted  with  me. 
A  fear  of  man,  which  prevented  me  from  saying  grace 
before  breakfa3t,  brought  me  into  inexpressible  confusion 
of  conscience.  Recovered  a  little  by  saying  it  after.  How 
foolish  am  I,  and  ignorant,  and  cowardly,  to  be  afraid 
to  worship  the  Lord  of  Hosts  before  his  rebellious  crea* 
tures.  Walked  with  B.  and  discovered  great  selfishness 
and  want  of  charity.  Fear  of  man  again  at  table  to-day, 
not  by  my  silence,  for  that  was  unavoidable,  but  by 
look  and  manner.  My  heart  condemned  me,  but  not  at 
the  time.  But  the  Lord  is  greater  than  our  hearts,  he 
knoweth  all  things.  He  brought  it  to  my  mind  after- 
wards, so  that  I  could  not  but  appear  to  myself  exceed- 
ingly vile  and  contemptible. 

23.  I  was  under  disquiet  at  the  prospect  of  my 
future  work  abroad,  encompassed  with  difficulties,  but  I 
trusted  that  I  was  under  the  guidance  of  infinite  wisdom, 
and  on  that  I  could  rest.  From  the  contemplation  of 
the  maze  before  me,  I  was  led  to  a  calm  and  melancholy 
reflection  on  the  vanity  of  the  world,  the  mighty  power 
of  God,  the  mystery  of  our  existence,  and  in  prayer 
afterwards  I  drew  nigh  to  God. 

24.  Walked  to  Shelford,  when  I  was  in  a  gloomy 
temper  from  being  vainly  concerned  about  the  appear- 
ance of  the  body.  It  is  enough  to  astonish  and  distress 
me,  that  in  spite  of  my  convictions  of  the  perfect 
nothingness  of  this  world,  of  the  opinion  of  men,  and 
above  all,  of  the  insignificancy  of  bodily  appearance,  I 
should  still  feel  any  concern  about  the  appearance  of  my 
person.  This  is  Mr.  Simeon's  birth-day.  After  dinner 
be  spoke  in  a  very  edifying  manner  on  the  subject.  He 
said  he  could  thank  God  for  his  creation,  tliough  so 
little  had  been  done  by  him  in  these  forty -four  years. 
May  I  have  done  as  much  in  the  same  time ! 

26^  Had  a  sweet  meditation  in  the  garden,  but  much 
vanity  of  mind  in  the  course  of  the  day.     ^-  drank 


56  JOURNAL.  [1803 

tea  with  me,  but  the  world  seemed  uppermost  m  his 
thoughts.  I  ought  to  be  more  close  in  my  dealing 
with  the  consciences  of  those  to  whom  I  can  speak  on 
religion.  I  was  quite  overpowered  with  sleep  at  time 
of  evening  prayer. 

27.  Abridged  the  two  first  sections  of  Edwards  on 
Original  Sin.  Designed  to  visit  Mrs.  &i  but  through 
delay  and  fear  of  my  frame  being  unsuitable,  I  did  not 
go,  and  so  brought  pain  to  my  conscience,  which  was  a 
proof  that  it  was  not  in  my  heart  to  go ;  for  if  it  were 
pleasant  to  go,  I  should  not  be  easily  satisfied  with  the 
excuses  for  not  going. 

28.  It  appeared  this  morning  as  if  I  had  been  long 
absent  from  Gfod.  It  is  of  his  mercy  that  he  restoreth 
my  soul,  and  leadeth  me  in  the  paths  of  righteousness 
for  his  name's  sake.  Continued  the  abridgment  of 
Edwards.  Read  Zechariah  with  Lowth.  As  I  had  fixed 
on  two  places  to  visit  this  evening,  the  prospect  of  it 
made  me  unhappy  this  morning.  But  in 'my  walk  out, 
I  felt  ashamed  at  having  demurred  at  such  a  blessed 
work,  as  comforting  the  afflicted  and  instructing  the 
ignorant,  especially  when  hundreds  of  God's  people, 
especially  his  ministers,  are  doing  it  with  infinite  pains 
and  satisfaction  in  all  parts  of  the  globe.  I  perceived 
that  the  reason  of  my  unwillingness  to  pray  with  others, 
arose  not  fix>m  any  thing  else,  than  a  vain  desire  of  the 
esteem  of  men.  For  were  I  dead  to  the  world  and  the 
opinions  of  it,  I  should  speak  in  prayer  with  composure, 
and  have  the  testimony  of  a  good  conscience.  Whereas 
the  remembrance  of  the  pain  succeeding  hypocritical 
prayers,  diffuses  the  bitterness  of  gall'over  the  day,  before 
the  duty  is  done.  Alas  !  I  have  much  unmortified  pride 
to  subdue  yet.  When  shall  I  live  with  my  thoughts 
wrapt  up  in  God  and  heaven,  and  crucified  to  the  world  ? 
How  many  of  my  days  are  lost,  if  their  worth  is  to  be 
measured  by  the  standard  of  prevailing  heavenly-mind- 
edness  !  I  think  sometimes  that  if  I  could  find  the  work 
of  God  in  this  particular,  (praying  with  the  sick  or 
others,)  a  delight,  nothing  would  prevent  my  enjoying 


1803]  JOURNAL.  57 

the  full  earnest  of  keaven.  But  this  I  shall  hereafter 
find  to  be  vain.  What  but  the  humbling  influence  of 
the  Spirit,  shewing  me  my  vileness  and  desperate  wick- 
edness, can  ever  produce  such  an  habitual  temper?  I 
thought  at  dinner,  with  what  awful  and  deep  submission 
should  I  work  the  work  of  God,  were  I  to  see  some 
marvellous  manifestation  of  his  glory  in  providence,  or 
if  my  own  death  were  fixed  for  to-day.  O  Lord,  let  me 
glorify  thee  in  the  faithful  view  of  thy  worthiness,  of 
thy  design  in  commanding  the  cross,  and  with  gratitude 
for  being  spared  #  #  #  # 

I  found  it  in  my  heart  to  pour  forth  my  soul  to  God. 
I  was  constrained  to  praise  God  for  his  mercy.  Admire, 
my  soul !  the  displayed  perfections,  the  transacted  works, 
the  fulfilled  promises  of  the  Most  High.  Let  me  believe 
his  mighty  works  and  sing  his  praise. 

29.  A  nervous  headache  prevented  my  reading :  so  I 
passed  the  morning  in  the  open  air,  striving  to  fix  my 
thoughts  on  John  iv.  10,  on  which  I  wished  to  write  a 
sermon.  I  could  not  make  out  much,  though  the 
thought  of  the  living  water  brought  me  into  a  calm  and 
peaceful  firame.  But  before  I  got  home,  many  an  evil 
thought  possessed  my  mind. 

Mr.  Simeon's  sermon  in  the  evening,  on  2  Chron  xxxii. 
31,  discovered  to  me  my  corruption  and  vileness,  more 
than  any  sermon  I  have  ever  heajxi.  His  divisions  were — 
We  little  think,  what  is  in  our  hearts,  till  we  are  tried ; 
We  shall  soon  give  some  awful  proof  when  we  are  tried : 
How  one  sin  may  show  us  all  the  evil  of  our  hearts. 
If  David,  who  had  so  closely  walk^  with  God,  fell  into 
the  most  foul  and  filthy  abominations,  what  must  my 
danger  be  who  walk  so  unstably !  Lord,  save  thy  ser- 
vant from  presumptuous  sins,  diat  they  have  not  domi- 
nion over  me.  Hezekiah's  sin  was  vanity.  Instead  of 
directing  the  ambassadors  who  came  to  inquire  about 
the  phenomenon,  to  the  knowledge  of  Jehovah,  who  had 
set  the  sun  in  the  firmament,  he  thought  only  of  grati- 
fying his  pride,  by  shewing  them  his  treasures,  &c. 
How  many  times  have  I  fallen  into  this  sin  ?     And  had 


58  LETTER.  [1803 

God  left  me  every  time  to  shew  me  what  was  in  my 
heart  ?  And  did  I  fall  into  it  again  and  again,  without 
learning  it  ?  Oh,  the  riches  of  his  patience  and  long- 
suffering  I 

8t.  John's,  September  29,  1803. 
How  long  it  seems  since  I  heard  from  you,  my 
dear  Sargent;  and  yet  I  have  only  myself  to  blame,  for 
not  answering  a  lett»  you  sent  me  in  the  middle  of 
August.  *  #  #  X  shall  be  anxious  to 
know  how  you  have  been  passing  your  sunmier,  not  I 
hope,  as  I  have,  amidst  the  din  of  arms.  I  give  our 
drilling  this  loAy  title,  because  a  little  is  sufficient  to 
disturb  me.  Too  many  resident  friends  in  the  univer* 
aity,  have  contributed  not  a  little  to  the  frittering  away 
of  my  time.  I  mean,  however,  to  leave  the  university 
corps  forthwith,  as  the  day  of  ordination  (Oct.  23,)  is 
drawing  near.  Very  little  indeed  have  I  done  this 
summer.  As  this  is  the  last  long  vacation  I  shall  ever 
pass  as  an  \h47iii,  I  am  rather  disappointed  at  having 
lost  such  a  season  of  retirement.  Our  Lord  led  a  very 
retired  life;  his  ministers,  therefore,  it  should  seem, 
ought  to  do  so  too.  Yet  I  sometimes  think  that  it  is 
from  too  much  indulging  solitude,  that  I  am  so  easily 
distracted  in  company.  But  how  great  must  be  your 
trials  frt>m  so  much  worldly  business  and  worldly  plea- 
sure 1  How  ought  we,  who  are  entrusted  with  the  min- 
istration  of  the  spirit,  whose  very  breath  ought  to  be 
prayer,  to  beseech  God  to  preserve  you  and  his  other 
saints  engaged  in  the  business  of  time  1  May  he  keep 
you  unspotted  from  the  world,  and  so  dwell  in  you  by 
his  Spirit,  that  while  your  thoughts  are  necessarily 
engaged  with  earthly  things,  your  heart  may  be  in 
heaven !  Unhappily  our  treacherous  hearts,  if  interested 
but  lawfully  in  other  things,  are  thereby  less  apt  to  take 
pleasure  in  religious  meditation.  My  studies  during  the 
last  three  months  have  been  Hebrew,  Greek  Testament, 
Jon.  Edwards  on  Original  Sin,  and  on  the  Affections,  and 
Bishop  Hopkins, — your  favourite  and  mine.     Never  did 


1803]  JOURNAL.  59 

I  read  such  energetic  language,  such  powerful  appeals  to 
the  conscience.  Somehow  or  other  he  is  able  to  excite 
most  constant  interest,  say  what  he  will.  I  have  been 
lately  reading  the  first  vdimie  of  the  Reports  of  the 
Missionary  Society,  who  sent  out  so  many  to  Otaheite 
and  the  southern  parts  of  Africa.  You  would  find  the 
account  of  Dr.  Vanderkemp's  Mission  into  Caffiraria 
infinitely  entertaining.  It  appeared  so  much  so  to  me, 
that  I  could  read  nothing  else  while  it  lasted.  Bespect* 
ing  my  own  concerns  in  this  way,  no  material  change 
has  taken  place,  either  externally  or  internally^  except 
that  my  sister  thinks  me  unquaUfied,  tim>ugh  want  of 
religious  experience,  and  that  I  find  greater  pleasure  at 
the  prosped;  of  it.  I  am  conscious,  however,  of  viewing 
things  too  much  on  the  bright  side,  and  think  more 
readily  of  the  happiness  of  seeing  the  desert  rejoice  and 
blossom  as  the  rose,  than  of  pain,  and  fatigue,  and 
crosses,  and  disappointments.  However  it  shall  be 
determined  for  me,  it  is  my  duty  to  crush  the  risings  of 
self-will,  so  as  to  be  cheerftilly  prepared  to  go  or  stay. 

Your's  ever, 
H.  Mabtyn. 

Oct.  1.  Endeavoured  to  write  on  John  iv.  10,  but 
felt  a  degree  of  fretfulness  at  being  able  to  produce 
nothing.  G.  staid  with  me  an  hour,  during  which  time 
my  temper  and  conversation  were  very  different  from 
that  of  my  Lord  and  Saviour.  Strove  in  my  walk  to 
rise  from  under  the  burden  of  corruption  that  oppressed 
me,  by  looking  to  Jesus.  When  I  was  beginning  to 
shrink  from  the  duties  I  had  designed  for  the  evening, 
a  sight  of  my  own  real  state,  as  saved  only  by  grace, 
and  so  not  my  own,  was  sufiicient  to  quicken  me.  But 
how  dark  and  stupid  is  my  soul  in  spiritual  things  I  Oh 
let  thy  continual  pity  attend  me  still,  O  Lord  !  In  the 
afternoon  read  in  Law's  Serious  CsJl,  the  chapter  on 
Resignation,  and  prayed  for  it  according  to  his  direc- 
tion. I  rather  think  a  regular  distribution  of  the  day 
for  prayer,  to  obtain  the  three  great  graces  of  humilitj)', 


60  JOURNAL.  [1803 

love,  and  resignation,  would  be  far  the  best  way  to 
grow  in  them.  The  music  at  chapel  led  my  thoughts 
to  heaven,  and  I  went  cheerfully  to  Mrs.  S. 

H.  drank  tea  with  me  afterwards.  As  there  was  in  the 
Christian  Observer  something  of  my  own,  the  first  which 
ever  appeared  in  print,  I  felt  myself  going  off  to  vanity 
and  levity,  but  was  enabled  to  check  it  a  Uttle.  Never- 
theless  the  world  and  the  opinions  of  the  world  clouded 
my  views  of  God  during  the  remainder  of  the  evening. 

2.  Rose  earlier  than  usual,  and  after  combating 
some  prejudices  which  arose,  as  they  often  do  against  the 
service  of  God,  I  prayed  with  some  sense  of  the  privilege 
of  prayer,  but  not  with  enlargement.  Staid  to  receive 
the  sacrament  at  Trinity  Church,  chiefly  from  being 
convinced  from  the  sermon  on  the  subject  of  its  import- 
ance. I  was  less  hurried  in  my  spirits  than  usuaUy  at 
this  ordinance,  but  at  the  time  of  actually  receiving  it, 
my  faith  was  not  in  exercise.  I  was  in  a  happy  frame 
most  of  the  day. 

-6.  Read  Leslie's  Short  Method,  and  was  exceedingly 
irritated  at  not  being  able  to  imderstand  it  as  soon  or  as 
clearly  as  I  expected.  Finished  the  Greek  Testament. 
This  time  of  reading  it  over  has  been  attended  with 
great  satisfaction.  I  was  very  impatient  with  my  pupil 
this  afternoon.  This  unhumbled  spirit  ought  to  be  a 
matter  of  very  serious  attention  to  me.  Independently 
of  other  considerations,  how  unfit  is  such  a  temper  for 
the  work  of  evangelizing  the  heathens !  Well  is  it  for 
my  soul  that  the  Lord  is  not  provoked  with  my  igno- 
rance and  perverseness  in  divine  things.  Drank  tea 
with  H.  and  laboured  to  preserve  a  meek  and  quiet 
.spirit. 

7.  Read  Malachi,  and  was  exceedingly  refreshed  by 
chap.  iii.  to  v.  16,  and  felt  greatly  encouraged  to  every 
duty,  particularly  that  of  speaking  to  and  exhorting 
others,  which  of  late  has  appeared  to  be  one  of  unli- 
mited extent  and  insuperable  difficulty. 

Was  in  some  pain  at  not  having  joined in 

the  walks,  and  speaking  to  them ;  but  the  way  to  know 


1803]  JOURNAL.  61 

when  to  abstain  and  when  to  address  them,  is  to  have 
love-  Did  I  but  love  and  seek  their  soul's  welfare,  I 
should  not  think  it  sufficient  to  speak  and  offend  them 
at  once,  and  consider  the  duty  to  God  as  done,  but  I 
should  watch  for  proper  opportunities  when  I  might 
hope  it  would  be  effectual.  But  I  want  a  willingness  to 
labour  incessandy  for  the  good  of  souls  with  all  self- 
denial. 

—  came  at  seven  and  staid  till  nine:  we  soon  got  into 
dispute  which  continued  without  intermission  the  whole 
time.  He  is  as  far  from  the  truth  as  ever,  very  obsti- 
nate, but  at  the  same  time  never  offended  with  sarcasm 
or  ridicule.  The  din  of  controversy  little  agrees  with 
heavenly-mindedness.  Though  I  entered  on  it  from  a 
sense  of  duty,  yet  I  took  not  heed  to  my  spirit,  and  lost 
all  sight  of  tenderness  and  pity. 

9.  Rose  at  six,  which  is  earlier  than  of  late,  and 
passed  the  whole  morning  in  great  tranquillity.  I  prayed 
to  be  sent  out  to  China,  and  rejoiced  in  the  prospect  of 
the  glorious  day  when  Christ  shall  be  glorified  on  earth. 
At  chapel  the  music  of  the  chant  and  anthem  seemed  to 
be  in  my  ears  as  the  sounds  of  heaven,  particularly  the 
anthem,  1  Chron.  xxix.  10.  But  these  joys,  alasl  par- 
take much  of  the  flesh  in  their  transitory  nature.  At 
chapel  I  wi^ed  to  return  to  my  rooms  to  read  the  song 
of  Moses  the  servant  of  God,  &c.  in  the  Revelations, 
but  when  I  came  to  it  found  little  pleasure.  The  sound 
of  the  music  had  ceased,  and  with  it  my  joy,  and  nothing 
remained  but  evil  temper,  darkness,  and  unbelief.  AU 
this  time  I  had  forgotten  what  it  is  to  be  a  poor  humble 
soul.  I  had  floated  off  the  Rock  of  Ages  into  the  deep, 
where  I  was  beginning  to  sink  had  not  the  Saviour 
stretched  out  his  hand  and  said  to  me.  It  is  I !  Let  me 
never  be  cheated  out  of  my  dependence  on  him,  nor  ever 
forget  my  need  of  him. 

12.  Reading  Paley's  Evidences.  Had  my  pride  deeply 
wounded  to-day,  and  perceived  that  I  was  far  from  humi- 
lity. Great  bitterness  and  dislike  arose  in  my  mind  against 
the  man  who  had  been  the  unconscious  cause  of  it.     Oh, 


62  JOURNAL.  [1803 

may  I  learn  daily  my  hidden  evils,  and  loathe  myself  for 
my  secret  abominations  !  Prayed  for  the  man  and  found 
my  affections  return. 

13.  Readii^g  Evidences.  Interrupted  by  the  calls  of 
some  friends.  In  great  unhappiness  on  account  of  the 
necessity  of  speaking  to  men  for  their  good,  and  of  some 
other  things.  *  ♦  *  This  is  a  cer- 
tain symptom  of  a  sickly  mind.  All  these  things  I 
should  have  taken  as  recreations  at  one  time.  But  says 
St.  Paul,  *^  do  thou  endure  hardness  as  a  good  soldier 
of  Jesus  Christ."  Let  me  not  thus  in  the  way  of  duty 
suffer  trifles  to  daunt  or  disquiet  my  mind.  Never  be 
fearful  or  unbelieving,  but  keep  body  and  mind  under, 
through  the  grace  of  God. 

14.  My  prayers  have  been  frequent  of  late,  but  I 
cannot  realize  the  presence  of  Almighty  God.  I  have 
not  enjoyed  communion  with  him,  else  there  would  not 
be  such  strangeness  in  my  heart  towards  the  world  to 
come.  How  vain  is  it  to  strive  unassisted  against  cor* 
ruption  1  How  empty  and  ungodly  that  sourness  and 
bitterness  I  feel  at  seeing  the  evil  of  my  heart  I  Alas  ! 
repentance  shuts  the  mouth,  and  victory  over  sin  is 
obtained  in  silence.  *'  Be  still  and  know  that  I 
am  God."  **  In  returning  and  rest  shall  ye  be 
saved — in  quietness  and  confidence  shajl  be  your 
strength." 

15.  Was  in  a  great  bustle  the  whole  day,  yet  in  the 
general  frame  of  my  mind  rejoicing.  In  my  morning 
walk  my  heart  expanded  wifii  joy,  yet  it  was  soon 
obscured  by  pride. 

16.  Rose  sleepy  and  unrefreshed,  and  in  the  little 
time  I  had  for  reading  and  prayer  before  morning 
service  was  wandering  and  careless.  At  church  at  first 
was  in  a  most  fretful  state  of  discontent  at  the  sight  of 
my  own  vanities,  and  of  my  concern  about  the  body.  A 
few  transient  glimpses  of  the  happiness  of  having  the 
heart  in  heaven  made  me  strive  earnestly  against  my 
corruptions,  and  God  gave  me  greater  peace  during  the 
Remainder  of  the  service.     The  certainty  of  future  glory 


1803]  JOURNAL.  63 

appeared  very  strongly  to  me  at  chapel,  and  filled  my 
heart  with  many  sweet  aflfections. 

18.  The  morning  w%s  employed  by  the  declamation. 
As  I  had  broken  in  upon  the  time  of  reading  the  Scrip- 
tures and  prayer  at  noon,  I  was  more  than  ordinarily 
careful  to  maintain  a  mind  unaffected  with  human 
studies  and  earthly  things  during  my  morning  walk  ;  and 
the  words  ^^  I  will  come  into  him  and  sup  with  him^ 
and  he  with  me/'  furnished  me  with  many  delightful 
views  of  the  grace  and  condescension  of  my  Lord. 

19.  Rose  with  my  heart  somewhat  tender  and  humble, 
and  suitable  to  this  day,  which  was  set  apart  for  a  public 
fast.  I  should  have  found  this  day  far  more  effectually 
answering  its  end,  if  I  had  been  less  interrupted,  (which 
I  might  indeed  have  managed  by  precaution)  as  my 
mind  was  disposed  to  dwell  on  heavenly  things  in  a 
serious  and  solemn  frame.  I  wished  to  have  made  my 
approaching  ordination  to  the  ministry  a  more  leading 
object  of  my  prayers.  For  two  or  three  days  I  have 
been  reading  some  of  St.  Augustine's  Meditations,  and 
was  delighted  with  the  hope  of  enjoying  such  commu- 
nion with  God  as  this  holy  man.  Blessed  be  God  I 
nothing  prevents,  no  earthly  business,  no  earthly  love 
can  rightfully  intrude  to  claim  my  thoughts,  for  I  have 
professedly  resigned  them  all.  My  mind  still  continues 
in  a  joyous  and  happy  state,  though  at  intervals,  through 
want  of  humility,  my  confidence  seems  vain. 

20.  This  morning  was  almost  all  lost,  by  friends 
coming  in.  At  noon  I  read  the  fortieth  chapter  of  Isaiah. 
Amidst  the  bustle  of  common  life,  how  frequently  has 
my  heart  been  refreshed  by  the  descriptions  of  the  future 
glory  of  the  church,  and  the  happiness  of  man  hereafter  1 

Pride  shews  itself  every  hour  of  every  day !  What 
long  and  undisturbed  possession  does  sdf-complacency 
hold  of  my  heart  1  What  plans,  and  dreams,  and  visions 
of  futurity  fill  my  imagination  every  day  in  which  self 
is  the  prominent  object !  O  Lord,  now  that  so  few 
things  without  happen  to  me  to  humble  my  soul,  let 
thy  Spirit  secretly  teach  me  what  I  am. 


64  JOURNAL.  [1803 

21.  In  walking  I  sought  to  ascend  to  God  without 
a  contrite  spirit,  and  so  I  felt  great  dissatisfaction 
and  fearfulness.  * 

22.  Went  in  a  gig  to  Ely  with  B.  Having  had  no 
time  for  morning  prayer,  my  conversation  was  poor. 
At  Chapel,  I  felt  great  shame  at  having  come  so  confi* 
dently  to  offer  myself  for  the  ministry  of  the  Lord  Jesus 
Christ,  with  so  much  ignorance,  and  unholiness,  and  I 
thought  it  would  be  but  just  if  I  were  sent  off  with 
ignominy.  Dr.  M —  the  examining  chaplain,  set  me 
to  construe  thexith  chapter  of  Matthew  ;  Grotius  :  To 
turn  the  first  article  into  Latin :  To  prove  the  being  of  a 
God,  his  infinite  power  and  goodness :  To  give  the  evi- 
dence of  Christianity  to  Jews  and  heathens  :  To  shew  the 
importance  of  the  miracle  of  the  resurrection  of  Christ. 
He  asked  an  account  also  of  the  Pharisees,  Sadducees, 
and  Scribes,  the  places  of  the  worship  amongst  the 
Jews,  &c.  After  leaving  the  palace  I  was  in  very  low 
spirits,  I  had  now  nothing  to  think  of  but  the  weight 
and  difficulty  of  the  work  which  lay  before  me,  which 
never  appeared  so  great  at  a  distance.  At  dinner  the 
conversation  was  frivolous.  After  tea  I  was  left  alone 
with  one  of  the  deacons,  to  whom  I  talked  seriously, 
and  desired  him  to  read  the  ordination  service,  at  which 
he  was  much  affected.  Retired  to  my  room  early,  and 
besought  God  to  give  me  a  right  and  affecting  sense  of 
things.  I  seemed  to  pray  a  long  time  in  vain,  so  dark 
and  distracted  was  my  mind.  At  length  I  began  to  feel 
the  shameful  and  cruel  neglect  and  unconcern  for  the 
honour  of  Grod,  and  the  souls  of  my  brethren  in  having 
trifled  with  men  whom  I  feared  were  about  to  *'  lie  to  the 
Holy  Ghost."  So  I  went  to  them  again,  resolving  to  lay 
hold  on  any  opportunity,  but  found  none  to  do  any 
thing  effectually.  Went  to  bed  with  a  painful  sense  of 
my  hardness  of  heart  and  unsuitable  preparation  for  the 
ministry. 

23.  Rose  early,  and  prayed,  not  without  distrac-^ 
tion.  I  then  walked,  but  could  not  acquire  a  right  and 
happy  sense  of  God's  mercy  in  calling  me  to  the  ministry  ; 


1803]  JOURNAL.  63 

but  was  melancholy  at  the  labours  that  awaited  me.  On 
returning,  I  met  one  of  the  deacons,  to  whom  I  spoke 
on  the  solemn  occasion,  but  he  seemed  incapable  of 
entertaining  a  serious  thought.  At  half-past  ten  we 
went  to  the  cathedral.  During  the  ordination  and 
sacramental  services  I  sought  in  vain  for  a  humble 
heavenly  mind.  The  outwwl  shew  which  tended  to 
inspire  solemnity  affected  me  more  than  the  faith  of 
Christ's  presence,  giving  me  the  commission  to  preach 
the  gospel.  May  I  have  grace  to  fulfil  those  promises 
I  made  before  God  and  the  people !  After  dinner, 
walked  with  great  rapidity  t?  Cambridge.  I  went 
straight  to  Trinity  Church,  where  my  old  vanities  assailed 
my  soul.  How  monstrous  and  horrible  did  they  appear 
in  me  now  that  I  was  a  minister  of  holy  things !  I 
could  scarcely  believe  that  so  sacred  an  office  should  be 
held  by  one  who  had  such  a  heart  within.  B.  sat  with 
me  in  the  evening,  but  I  was  not  humbled  ;  for  I  had 
not  been  near  to  God  to  obtain  the  grace  of  con- 
trition. On  going  to  prayer  at  night  I  was  seized  with 
a  most  violent  sickness.  In  the  pain  and  disorder  of 
my  body  I  could  but  commend  myself  faintly  to  God's 
mercy  in  Jesus  Christ. 

24 — 29.  Busily  employed  in  writing  a  sermon,  and 
from  the  slow  advances  I  made  in  it,  was  in  general  very 
melancholy.  I  read  on  the  Thursday  night  for  ^^^  first 
time  in  Trinity  church. 

30.  Rose  with  a  heavy  heart,  and  my  head  empty, 
from  having  read  so  little  of  the  scriptures  this  last 
week.  After  church  sat  with  — ,  two  hours  conversing 
about  the  Missionary  plan.  He  considered  my  ideas  on 
the  subject  to  be  enthusiastic,  and  told  me  that,  I  had 
neither  strength  of  body  or  mind  for  the  vrork.  This 
latter  defect  I  did  not  at  all  like ;  it  was  galling  to  the 
pride  of  my  heart,  and  I  went  to  bed  hurt ;  yet  thank- 
ftd  to  God  for  sending  me  one  who  would  tell  me  the 
truth. 

31 — Nov.  5.  Chief  part  of  this  week  also  taken  up 
with   writing   on  John  iv.    10.   yet  with  a    mind  less 


66  JOURNAL.  [1803 

gloomy  than  last  week.  The  subject  indeed  of  Christ's 
free  and  gracious  offer  of  the  liidng  water,  tended  to 
enliven  my  heart.  Yet  for  want  of  more  reading  the 
the  scriptures,  my  prayers  were  poor. 

6.  I  was  in  a  most  delighted  and  happy  frame  this 
morning,  at  the  thought  of  preaching  the  gospel,  and 
felt  as  if  I  could  place  myself  in  the  Saviour's  steady 
and  as  if  my  heart  would  melt  at  offering  the  water  of 
life  to  the  sons  of  men.  But  on  reading  over  my  own 
sermon,  I  was  chilled  and  frozen  at  the  deadness  and 
stupidity,  of  it.  I  commended  it,  and  myself,  and  the 
people,  to  his  grace.  R^ad  at  Trinity  as  usual,  and  rode 
to  Lolworth,  where  there  was  a  very  small  congregation, 
at  which  my  pride  was  beginning  to  take  the  alarm ;  but 
the  hope  of  doing  good,  though  but  to  one  soul,  brought 
me  to  a  different  spirit.  There  seemed  to  be  one  or  two 
who  heard  the  word  gladly,  and  to  those  I  could  have 
been  willing  to  preach  for  days  together.  After  evening 
church,  Mr.  S.  told  me  I  ought  to  read  with  more  so- 
lemnity and  devotion,  at  which  I  was  not  a  little  grieved 
and  amazed.  H.  also,  and  my  other  friends,  com- 
plained of  my  speaking  too  low,  and  with  top  little 
elocution.  These  things,  with  the  difficulty  I  had  found 
in  making  sermons,  and  the  poorness  of  them,  made  me 
appear  exceedingly  contemptible  to  myself.  I  began  to 
see  (and  amazing  is  it  to  say)  for  the  first  time,  that  I 
must  be  contented  to  take  my  place  among  men  of 
second-rate  abilities ;  that  there  were  men  who  excelled 
me  in  every  thing.  I  therefore  first  discovered  into  what 
profound  ignorance  and  dreadfiil  presumption  my  paltry 
worldly  honours  and  pride  had  led  me.  Humbled  at 
this  conviction,  I  perceived  it  to  be  right,  though  it  was 
certainly  a  novel  thought  to  me,  if  God  and  his  more 
perfect  creatures  were  glorified  together,  and  I  w^e  cast 
out  and  forgotten.  In  all  my  humiliations,  which  have 
been  few  and  transient,  and  with  all  the  humility  I 
imagined  myself  to  possess,  I  have  still  obstinately 
maintained  my  fancied  place  amongst  men.  All  this 
has  been  going  forward  in  a  heart  which  conceived  it- 


1803]  LBTTBR.  67 

sdf  to  have  attained  something  of  the  humility  of  Jesus 
Christ.  Now  in  the  retix)spect  of  these  things  I  see 
two  causes  of  humiliation :  one  is  that  my  pride  and 
ignorance  are  so  great,  in  assigning  to  myself  a  station 
to  which  I  did  not  belong;  secondly,  in  being  pained  at 
discovering  my  inferiority  to  my  friends  in  unimportant 
accomplishments.  Oh  that  I  may  not  be  deceived  in 
the  consideration  of  the  state  of  my  soul  in  regard  to 
eternity ! 

7 — 10.  Employed  in  preparing  the  last  Sunday's 
sermon  for  Thursday,  and  in  writing  on  Heb.  vi.  11. 
The  convictions  I  had  received  of  my  extreme  ignorance 
in  spiritual  things  remained,  and  sometimes  made  me 
earnest  for  the  teachings  of  God's  Spirit. 

13.  I  longed  to  draw  very  near  to  Grod,  to  pray 
him  that  he  would  give  me  the  Spirit  of  wisdom  and 
revelation.  I  thought  of  David  Brainerd,  and  ardently 
desired  his  devotedness  to  God  and  holy  breathings 
of  soul. 

18.  In  my  walk  spoke  to  three  young  men  who  were 
swearing.  They  seemed  to  be  much  confounded,  and  to 
take  deeply  what  I  said  to  them.  I  look  forward  often 
to  the  time  of  my  hoped-for  mission  with  joy.  I  hope 
my  expectation  of  comfort  in  it  arises  from  a  desire  to 
do  something  for  Christ,  though  my  great  unconcern 
for  souls  here  may  well  make  me  doubt  it. 

St.  John's,  Nov.  18,  1803. 
I  thank  you,  my  dear  Sargent,  for  your  prayers  on  the 
day  of  my  ordination.  I  rejoiced  to  think  that  many 
were  putting  up  to  heaven  for  me  ;  for  much  indeed  did  ' 
need  them.  Neither  at  that  time  nor  since  have  I  been 
duly  affected  with  the  awfulness  of  the  charge.  The 
incessant  employment  of  sermon-writing  has  left  me  little 
leisure  for  quiet  consideration  :  and  so  my  spirits  have 
been  greatly  depressed  the  last  three  weeks.  The  four 
sermons  I  have  preached  are  on  Job  xiv.  14.  John 
iv.  10.  Psalm  ix.  17.  Heb.  vi.  11.  two  of  them  at 
Trinity,  church.     My  Lolworth  congregation  is  about 

F  2 


68  LETTER.  [1803 

one  hundred.  Now  that  the  composition  of  sennons 
will  become  easier,  I  hope  to  perform  all  the  duties 
of  the  ministry  with  more  attention  than  I  have  yet  been 
able  to  give.  Time  and  prayer  will,  I  trust,  through 
the  grace  of  God  remove  that  childish  thought- 
lessness which  attends  me  still,  and  make  me  feel  where 
I  stand.  *  *  *  *  My  conversations 
with  —  have  been  attended  with  no  small  advantage  to 
me  in  the  way  of  wholesome  correction.  He  is  the  only 
man  of  all  my  friends  here  that  tells  me  the  truth  plainly ; 
and  30  is  the  only  one,  who  by  lowering  my  pride, 
eventually  promotes  my  sanctification  and  peace.  * 
*  *  *  As  you  have  read  Law,  teU  me  your 

opinion  of  him.  He  is  rather  a  favourite  of  mine, 
though  not  without  his  faidts.  It  seems  by  what  your 
friends  here  say,  that  you  do  not  engage  with  sufficient 
earnestness  in  your  worldly  business.  I  hardly  know 
what  to  give  as  my  opinion  on  this  subject.  The  law 
is  so  very  different  from  all  other  pursuits,  in  the  time 
and  labour  required  for  it.  Yet  on  the  other  hand  there 
is  Sir  Matthew  Hale.  *  #  *  *  i  never 
hear  a  word  about  the  missionary  business.  If  you  see 
Mr.  Wilberforce,  and  his  mind  is  not  too  much  occu- 
pied about  the  present  affairs  of  national  danger,  ask 
him  something  about  it. 

I  am,  dear  Sargent, 

Yours  ever  truly, 

H.  Martyn, 

19.  As  H.  of  Magdalen  had  promised  to  preach  for 
me  to-morrow,  I  expected  to  have  enjoyed  this  day  in 
much  private  communion  with  God,  but  through  care- 
lessness the  time  slipped  away  unimproved.  Learned 
good  part  of  the  1st  Epistle  to  Timothy  by  heart;  now 
that  I  am  in  the  ministry  the  instructions  on  this  head 
affect  me  very  differently.  Some  of  my  acquaintances 
drankwine  with  me.  I  was  more  careful  about  offend- 
ing them  by  over-much  strictness,  than  of  offending  God 
by  conformity    to  the  world.     They  left  me  with  my 


1803]  JOURNAL.  69 

spirit  wounded.  I  felt  that  I  ought  to  have  lifted  up 
my  heart  to  God  in  secret  for  them,  and  to  have  laboured 
to  discountenance  their  vanities. 

20.  Was  somewhat  fervent  this  morning  in  prayer 
and  intercession.  The  sermon,  John  xiv.  2,  3.  was 
refreshing  to  me,  and  I  had  power  to  retain  the  com- 
fortable impressions.  After  church  I  visited  a  sick 
woman,  and  prayed  with  her.  Vain  and  earthly 
thoughts  perplexed  my  mind  in  the  evening  at  church. 
Well  is  it  for  the  people  that  they  cannot  read  the 
heart  of  their  ministering  servant.  I  groaned  under 
the  corruption  of  my  heart  this  evening  in  prayer,  and 
prayed  and  longed  for  grace  to  purge  me  thoroughly, 
and  retired  to  bed  with  a  meek  desire  of  living  entirely 
for  God. 

21.  In  the  afternoon,  befoire  going  out  to  visit  the 
sick,  the  pride  and  laziness  of  my  heart  made  me  appear 
detestable  to  myself.  Thou,  Lord,  only,  canst  know  the 
hidden  evil  of  thy  creature.  Let  thy  continual  pity  defend 
me :  let  thy  gracious  Spirit  cleanse  me  1 

22.  A  day  of  varied  emotions  of  deep  and  painful 
feeling,  followed  by  joy  and  peace.  In  my  walk  was  in 
great  heaviness  :  till  towards  the  latter  part  of  it  I  held 
fast  by  Christ,  and  seemed  able  to  make  his  will  mine, 
though  still  with  many  vain  and  cowardly  imaginations. 
At  seven  went  to  the  society  of  young  men  and  explained 
the  50th  Psalm  with  great  composure.  In  prayer  God 
vouchsafed  the  spirit  of  supplication.  For  the  first  time 
I  found  myself  happy  in  this  social  exercise ;  my  desires 
after  God  were  clear  and  strong,  and  it  was  with  great 
unwillingness  that  I  left  off.  My  joy  during  the  rest  of 
the  evening  was  very  great,  though  there  were  many 
approaches  to  spirituel  pride. 

23.  Towards  the  evening  much  strong  propensity  to 
the  gratification  of  self-will,  and  much  pain  at  thwarting 
it.  Began  to  seek  God  in  solemn  prayer  for  fitness  for 
the  ministry,  in  which  I  continued  about  half  an  hour, 
entirely  on  the  subject  of  the  resignation  of  my  own  will ; 
and  I  gained  so  much  light  that  it  appeared  monstrous 


70  JOURNAL.  [1803 

and  horrible  that  any  creature  should  seek  its  will  in 
opposition  to  God's  will. 

24  to  26.  Chiefly  employed  about  my  sermon^  and 
preparing  for  the  examination  at  Christmas.  My  soul 
has  been  struggling  with  much  corruption,  summoning 
up  courage  in  the  name  of  Ood  to  fight  the  fight  of  faith 
with  never-ceasing  exertion,  and  yet  soon  sinking  again 
into  evil  tempers,  distrust,  and  despondency.  Oh  my 
spirit  faints  for  holiness  !  When  shall  God  be  glorified 
by  the  entire  renewing  of  this  sinful  heart  ?  Oh  that  the 
powers  of  my  soul  were  awake  to  God  and  the  good  of 
my  fellow-creatures  1  But  truly  I  am  an  unprofitable 
servant ! 

27.  I  was  much  interrupted  in  reading  the  Scriptures 
this  morning :  jret  my  spirit  found  delight  in  retiring 
from  the  world  and  forgeftting  its  concerns,  to  live  with 
God  and  walk  with  God.  I  longed  to  be  entirely  deli- 
vered from  the  opinions  of  men,  and  to  approve  myself 
unto  God.  Heard  Mr.  Uoyd  preach  on  Rom.  vii.  12. 
and  his  observations  to  me  afterwards  tended  to  impress 
on  my  mind  the  advantage  of  having  my  condemnation 
by  the  law  continually  before  me  ;  for  oh  how  light  and 
trifling  would  every  painful  duty  appear,  could  I  but  keep 
in  mind  God*s  sparing  mercy  !  And  how  ought  I  also 
to  remember  it  on  the  score  of  humility  and  seriousness ! 
Mr.  Lloyd  observed  that  these  thoughts  tended  to  pre- 
serve a  consistency  of  character.  How  dosely  did  this 
apply  to  myself,  who  do  such  dishonour  to  Christ ! 
Read  and  prayed  with  the  same  sick  woman ;  she  and 
all  the  people  in  the  room,  about  five  in  number,  seemed 
to  be  in  profound  ignorance.  I  strove  to  charge  her 
sins  home  to  her  ;  but  this  is  a  very  unacceptable  task  to 
most  people.  Called  on  another  woman,  who  was 
equally  destitute  of  the  knowledge  of  the  truth.  This 
parish,  which  has  heard  the  gospel  for  between  twenty 
and  thirty  years,  is  still  in  a  most  lamentable  state  for 
want  of  the  minister  s  testifying  from  house  to  house. 
May  the  Lord  fill  me  with  more  zeal  in  doing  this 
business,  both  at  Lolworth  and  in  the  parish  at  Cam- 


1803]  JOURNAL.  71 

bridge.  In  the  eveniDg  my  sins  appeared  more  in 
number  than  the  hairs  of  my  head.  I  remembered  with 
horror  the  multitudes  I  had  been  guilty  of  this  holy 
day ;  how  many  proud  and  vain  thoughts,  how  much 
forgetfulness  of  God  and  want  of  every  grace  appeared 
in  the  course  of  it  I  The  pride  of  this  wicked  heart 
I  seem  to  have  made  no  way  in  subduing.  The  pain 
I  felt  at  the  kind  admonitions  of  friends  too  plainly 
shewed  this.  Yet  I  can  commit  the  sanctification  of 
my  soul  to  Christ;  and  it  is  my  comfort  and  sup* 
port  to  think  that  ''he  is  of  God  made  unto  me  wis- 
dom, and  righteousness,  and  sanctification,  and  re- 
demption.'* 

28  to  30.  I  was  in  an  uncomfortable  state  for  the 
most  part  of  this  time,  through  the  prevalence  of  cor* 
ruption.  The  work  of  visiting  the  people  of  Cam* 
bridge,  and  reading  to  and  praying  with  them,  appeared 
hateful  to  me,  but  through  grace,  my  selfrwill  cQd  not 
prevail.  On  30th  particularly,  after  much  painful 
striving  in  prayer,  I  gained  some  relief  and  hope  of 
delight  id  every  part  of  the  ministerial  work.  All  the 
arguments,  of  which  any  one  is  of  infinite  and  everlasting 
moment,  seem  to  be  ine£Fectual  to  bend  the  stubborn- 
ness of  my  heart,  unless  the  Spirit  convert  it.  The 
sixth  chapter  of  Isaiah,  and  the  meditation  of  the  pre- 
cious value  of  men,  though  disguised  by  the  low 
pursuits  of  trade,  or  buried  under  the  rubbish  of 
poverty  and  ignorance,  had  no  power  to  influence  my 
perverse  and  senseless  will.  All  these  things  manifest 
a  low  state  of  Christian  experience;  but  they  must  be 
recorded. 

Dec.  1.  Felt  a  serious  submission  to  God  this 
morning  in  prayer ;  but  never  since  my  ordination  have 
I  been  without  care.  Hoped  to  enjoy  some  of  that 
peace  and  joy  I  used  to  feel  in  reading  Isaiah  ;  but  was 
interrupted.  Was  strengthened  and  composed  by  read- 
ing Heb.  X.  and  learning  it  by  heart.  Endeavoured  to 
seek  God  in  my  walk.         *  #  #      Prayed 

for  myself  as  a  minister,  for  the  people  at  Lolworth  and 


72  JOURNAL.  [1803 

Cambridge,  for  my  dear  sisters, — but  with  nothing  like 
fervour.  Do  I  believe  that  God  heareth  prayer  ?  Lord, 
help  my  unbelief!  Amidst  all  my  improntableness  and 
gloom,  was  often  refreshed  by  the  prospect  of  the 
shortness  of  time  and  approach  of  death. 

2.  Resolved  upon  more  self-denial  this  morning.  I 
have,  I  trust,  rescinded  all  unnecessary  expences,  yet 
ease  and  attachment  to  the  comforts  of  life  have  had  a 
tendency  to  produce  a  weakness  of  mind,  which  makes 
me  but  ill-disposed  to  endure  hardness.  By  watch- 
fulness against  these  things  this  morning,  by  studied 
unconcern  about  the  flesh,  I  rose  above  it,  and  found 
the  benefit  besides  in  the  fearlessness  with  which  I 
viewed  the  labour  and  difficulties  of  my  futiire  life. 
Found  great  insight  into  the  design  of  Heb.  xi.  and 
thought  I  shoidd  hereafter  walk  more  steadily  by  faith. 
Was  more  composed  throughout  the  day,  though  not 
without  care. 

3.  Employed  all  day  in  writing  sermon.  The  inces- 
sant employment  of  my  thoughts  about  the  necessary 
business  of  my  life,  parishes,  pupils,  sermons,  ;ick,  &c. 
leave  far  too  little  time  for  my  private  meditations ;  so 
that  I  know  little  of  God  and  my  soul.  Resolved  I 
would  gain  some  hours  from  my  usual  sleep,  if  there 
were  no  other  way ;  but  failed  this  morning  in  conse- 
quence of  sitting  up  so  late. 

4.  Called  at  two  or  three  of  the  parishioners'  houses, 
and  found  them  universally  in  the  most  profound  state 
of  ignorance  and  stupidity.  On  my  road  home  could 
not  perceive  that  men  who  have  any  little  knowledge, 
should  have  any  thing  to  do  but  instruct  their  wretched 
fellow-creatures.  The  pursuits  of  science,  and  all  the 
vain  and  glittering  employments  of  men,  seemed  a  cruel 
withholding  from  their  perishing  brethren,  of  that  time 
and  exertion  which  might  save  their  souls. 

6.  Rode  to  Lolworth  before  breakfast,  to  marry  a 
couple.  On  the  road,  all  my  endeavours  to  obtain 
some  sweetness  in  divine  thoughts  in  my  own  strength 
were  fruitless ;  but  when  I  resigned  all  the  concerns  of 


1803]  JOURNAL.  73 

my  spirit  into  the  hands  of  God,  that  he  would  deal  with 
me  according  to  his  pleasure,  I  found  some  pleasure  in 
being  nothing.  In  the  afternoon,  —  stayed  with  me  ; 
but  our  theme  was  learned  rather  than  practical  divinity. 
He  is,  however,  a  dear  and  valuable  friend,  for  telling 
me  freely  of  my  faults.  In  prayer  this  evening  I  drew 
near  to  God,  and  besought  him  to  make  me  a  very 
different  so\d  from  what  I  should  be  likely  to  be,  by 
taking  my  train  of  thinking  from  the  language  of  pro- 
fessing Christians.  They  all  excel  me  in  Christian 
tempers ;  but  man  even  in  his  full  perfection  is  but  a 
broken  cistern. 

6.  Passed  the  whole  morning  reading  Heb.  xi,  and 
before  my  usual  prayer,  —  called  to  walk.  I  told  him  my 
opinion  about  his  neglect  of  public  worship,  and  private 
opportunities  of  advantage,  very  freely,  but  perhaps  too 
harshly.  Let  me  dread  lest  I  quench  the  smoking  flax ; 
resolved  to  win  him  if  possible  by  more  tenderness. 

7.  At  morning  prayers  in  Trinity  church,  tasted 
something  of  the  sweetness  of  devotion,  though  with  no 
joy.  Oh  how  much  better  is  it  to  have  a  peaceful  sense 
of  my  own  wretchedness,  and  a  humble  waiting  upon 
God  for  his  sanctifying  grace,  than  to  talk  much  and 
appear  to  be  somebody  in  religion,  as  I  have  done !  At 
night  my  soul  was  strengthened  considerably :  I  never 
before  felt  so  calm  and  steady  a  resolution  to  live  in 
continual  self-denial,  to  fight  hard  every  day ;  and  it 
appeared  that  whatever  I  could  be  possibly  called  to 
endure  was  nothing,  such  a  mercy  was  it  that  I  might 
hope  for  salvation. 

8.  Rose  early,  and  in  prayer  had  something  of  a 
suitable  frame,  itiat  is  a  contented  waiting  upon  God. 
It  was  my  desire  and  prayer  to  mourn  for  sin,  and  to  be 
poor  in  spirit.  All  the  rest  of  the  morning,  from  seven 
to  twelve,  wasted  by  repeated  calls  of  friends,  and  in 
fruitless  attempts  to  write  a  sermon.  This  left  me  dis- 
satisfied with  the  mis-spent  time,  yet  not  quite  forgetftd 
of  that  temper  which  it  was  my  predetermined  purpose 
to  preserve.    G.  joined  me  in  my  walk,  and  as  he  seemed 


74  JOURNAL.  ^      [1803 

disposecf  to  converse  about  religion,  I  spoke  to  him  very 
openly.  I  had  occasion*  to  mention  to  him  that  the  last 
day  of  my  life  woidd  be  the  best.  I  think  of  it  without 
joy,  though  without  fear.  It  seems  as  if  I  should  be 
saved  only  as  by  fire,  having  done  nothing  to  glorify 
God,  and  my  heart  seeming  to  be  destitute  of  grace. 

11.  (Sunday,)  Preached  at  Lolworth  on  Isaiah  Ixi v. 
7»  and  talked  with  some  of  the  poor  people  at  their 
houses  on  the  same  subject  of  prayer,  and  from  the 
manner  in  which  some  received  it,  I  was  much  rejoiced. 

22.  Married  — .  How  satisfactory  is  it  to  admin- 
ister the  ordinance  of  matrimony,  where  the  couple  are 
pious  I  I  felt  thankful  that  I  was  delivered  from  all 
desires  of  the  comforts  of  the  married  life.  With  the 
most  desirable  partner,  and  every  prospect  of  happiness  ; 
I  would  prefer  a  single  life,  in  which  there  are  so  much 
greater  opportunities  for  heavenly-mindedness. 

23.  Overslept  myself  in  consequence  of  having  risen 
too  early  yesterday.  This,  with  my  cold  and  cough, 
made  me  unfit  for- every  thing.  I  had  designed  tihis 
day  for  a  fast,  in  order  to  recover  from  the  late  distrac- 
tion of  mind,  occasioned  by  so  much  earthly  business, 
but  I  had  no  leisure  till  two  o'clock,  when  I  took  a  long 
walk,  towards  the  end  of  which  I  had  some  cheering 
sense  of  the  divine  presence. 

25.  ( Christmas-day .)  Discontent  at  not  having  finish- 
ed my  sermon  prevented  me  from  enjoying  the  morning 
of  this  blessed  day,  when  so  many  were  offering  up  their 
praises  for  the  gift.  Yet  on  my  ride  to  Lolworth,  I  re- 
joiced in  the  view  of  my  reconciliation  to  God,  and  the 
prospect  of  happiness  in  heaven.  Oh,  to  get  beyond  the 
world,  and  to  be  among  jnen  as  if  I  were  elsewhere,  with 
my  life  hid  with  Christ  in  God, — how  sweet  and  peaceful  I 

27.  Preparing  all  day  for  the  evening ;  I  was  obliged 
to  rally  my  sinking  faith  continually,  that  I  might  not 
shrink  from  it,  nor  be  blinded  by  the  sensual  feastings 
of  this  day,  from  perceiving  the  excellency  of  spiritual 
exercises. 
.  28.     The  morning  was  spent  very  unprofitably,  from 


1804]  JOURNAL.  75 

not  having  had  a  fixed  plan.  Lost  much  time  in  looking 
out  for  a  text  for  next  Sunday ;  yet  found  some  devotion  in 
learning  some  of  the  cxixth  Psalm.  Called  at  the  alms- 
housesy  and  was  perplexed  at  the  accusation  which  two^ 
I  believe,  real  Christian's,  made  against  each  other  as 
being  hypocrites.  In  the  evening,  the  first  leisure  I 
had  gained  after  a  long  interval,  I  hoped  to  draw  near 
to  God  by  his  word  and  prayer ;  but  Bishpp  Home, 
whom  I  took  as  a  companion  to  the  Psalms,  raised  in 
me  contemptuous  thoughts,  which  do  ^at  injury  to  the 
soul.  However,  that  blessed  man  Baxter,  in  his 
'  Saint's  Rest,'  was  enabled  to  kindle  such  a  degree  of 
devotion  and  love,'  as  I  have  long  been  a  stranger  to. 
I  strove  to  keep  the  future  happiness  of  heaven  steadily 
in  view,  but  the  want  of  a  humble  spirit  made  these 
contemplations  appear  delusive. 

Jan.  1,  1804.  Preached  in  the  afternoon  at  Trinity 
Church  with  seriousness,  but  .with  little  feeling.  Visited 
a  house  in  Wall's  Lane  after  church,  where  I  met  with 
two  men,  to  whom  I  gave,  I  think,  a  dear  and  con- 
vincing warning.  I  exhorted  my  hearers  this  day  to 
think  im  their  ways.  May  I  think  of  mine  I  On  the 
review  of  my  journal  of  the  last  year,  I  perceive  it  has 
been  of  late  becoming  a  diary  of  my  life,  instead  of 
being  a  register  of  my  state  of  mind.  And  this  is  to  be 
attributed,  partly  to  sloth,  and  partly  to  having  devoted 
too  much  time  and  attention  to  the  outward  and  public 
duties  of  the  ministry.  But  this  has  been  a  mistaken 
conduct.  For  I  have  learned,  that  neglect  of  much  and 
fervent  communion  with  God  in  meditation  ^d  prayers, 
is  not  the  way  to  redeem  time,  nor  to  fit  me  for  public 
ministrations.  Nevertheless,  I  judge  that  I  have  grown 
in  grace  in  the  course  of  the  last  year ;  for  the  bent  of 
my  desire  is  towards  God,  more  than  when  I  thought  I 
was  going  out  as  a  missionary,  though  vastly  less  than 
I  expected  it  would  have  been  by  this  time.  In  heaven- 
ly contemplation  and  abstraction  from  the  world,  my 
attainments  have  fallen  far  short  of  my  expectations : 
in  love  to  man,  I  perceive  little  or  no  increase.     But  in 


76  JOURNAL.  [1804 

a  sense  of  my  own  worthlessness  and  guilt,  and  in  a 
consequent  subjugation  of  the  will,  and  in  a  disposition 
for  labour  and  active  exertion,  I  am  inclined  to 
think  myself  gaining  ground.  I  have  had  few  seasons 
of  joy  since  myordipation ;  for  many  of  the  duties  of  the 
ministry  have  called  to  light  the  hidden  evils  of  my 
corrupted  heart,  and  my  exertions  in  prayer  have  been 
to  keep  them  \mder.  I  have  however  much  to  com- 
plain of  in  slothfulness  in  that  duty, — that  I  do  not  stir 
up  myself  to  lay  hold  upon  God ;  yet  my  soid  approves 
thoroughly  the  life  of  God,  and  my  only  desire  is  to 
live  entirdy  devoted  to  him.  Oh  may  I  live  very  near 
to  him  the  ensuing  year,  and  follow  the  steps  of  Christ 
and  his  holy  saints !  It  will  be  attended  with  much 
self-denial  and  warfare,  nevertheless  it  yieldeth  the 
peaceable  fruits  of  righteousness  to  them  who  are  exer- 
cised thereby.  I  have  resigned  in  profession  the  riches, 
the  honours,  and  the  comforts  of  this  world,  and  I  think 
it  is  also  a  resignation  of  the  heart. 

2.  Spent,  I  hardly  know  how,  very  unprofitably  ; 
for  want  of  a  previous  regidation  for  a  time  of  leisure. 

3.  A  sense  of  my  present  deadness  and  unprofita- 
bleness, as  likewise  a  regard  to  my  bodily  health,  deter- 
mined me  to  devote  the  day  to  fasting  and  prayer;  but  I 
coidd  not  get  near  to  God  :  in  all  my  confessions  for 
myself  as  an  individual,  or  member  of  the  church  or 
nation,  I  could  feel  no  contrition ;  nevertheless,  though 
the  cloud  hanging  over  the  nation,  and  my  own  pride, 
cast  a  heavy  gloom  over  my  mind,  with  a  sense  of  guilt, 
and  of  God^'s  displeasure,  I  strove  against  an  evil  heart 
of  unbelief,  which  tempted  me  to  depart  fit)m  the  living 
God. 

4.  Rose  late,  as  I  have  done  several  times,  and  when 
this  is  the  case,  I  seldom  begin  or  perform  the  duties  of 
the  day  with  satisfaction.  Read  much  of  *  Edwards  on 
the  Affections,'  about  humility,  and  was  much  pro- 
fited. In  hall  and  in  the  combination  room,  I  sought 
to  exemplify  a  Christian  spirit  by  mine,  and  found  by 
those  moments  of  recollection,  when  I  was  able  to  do  it, 


1804]  JOURNAL.  77 

that  my  usual  temper  and  conduct  differ  very  widely  from 
what  they  ought  to  he*  In  the  evening  my  soul  drew 
near  to  the  Lord,  and  pleaded  with  him  a  long  time  for 
imderstanding  and  strength,  to  fit  me  for  a  long  life  of 
warfare  and  constant  self-denial.  I  prayed  to  see  clearly 
why  I  was  placed  here,  how  short  the  time  is,  how 
excellent  to  lahour  for  souls,  above  all  to  feel  my  desert 
of  hell,  grace  to  enlighten  my  eyes  in  those  dark  and 
gloomy  seasons  of  outward  trouble  and  desponding 
foith,  grace  to  enable  me  to  despise  the  indulgence  of 
the  body,  not  to  shrink  from  cold,  and  hunger,  and 
painful  labour,  but  to  follow  the  Lamb  wheresoever  he 
goeth,  and  that  he  would  bring  all  these  things  to  my 
remembrance  the  next,  and  every  succeeding  day.  In 
all  this  I  did  not  feel  any  desponding  fear,  against 
which  I  prayed,  but  the  contrary. .  But  my  want  of 
humiliation  was  apparent  and  painful.  My  soul  long- 
eth  for  perfection,  but  has  not  yet  learnt  the  secret  of 
happiness, — a  poor  and  contrite  spirit. 

5.  I  retained  on  my  mind  the  savour  of  last  night's 
meditation :  for  humUity  seemed  to  be  my  object, 
if  not  my  temper.  Preached  on  Isaiah  Ixiv.  7.  Oh, 
let  not  my  sermons  rise  up  in  judgment  against  me  1 
A  few  friends  supped  with  me ;  but  though  my  own 
mind  was  well  disposed  for  religioiis  conversation,  I 
could  not  lead  them  to  it. 

6.  Was  preparing  the  whole  day  for  the  evening, 
the  subject,  2  Tim.  i.  12,  was  very  cheering  and  com- 
forting to  myself  in  the  morning ;  but  after  dinner  I  was 
languid  and  indisposed  to  any  exertion,  and  low-spiri- 
ted. At  the  society  I  was  very  dull,  both  in  exhorta- 
tion and  prayer,  and  so  were  the  people.  There  were 
but  six  ;  with  littie  appearance  of  devotion ;  the  sense  of 
my  exceeding  unprofitableness  was  very  humbling  to  me : 
yet  it  had  not  the  effect  of  drawing  me  away  from  God, 
and  so  I  was  contented  to  be  thought  littie  of  by  men. 
I  rightiy  attribute  my  present  deadness  to  want  of  suffi- 
cient time  and  tranquillity  for  private  devotion. 

7.  Hoping  to  give  some  motion  and  liveliness  to 


78  LBTTBR.  [1804 

my  mind,  I  sought  to  give  it  recreation  this  morning, 
by  reading  some  of  Thomson's  ^  Chemistry/  and  Jon. 
Edwards  on  '  Original  Sin.' 

8.  Full  of  anxiety ;  relieved  at  times  by  prayer. 
Preached  at  Lolworth.  Called  at  three  of  the  houses^ 
and  found  them  as  ignorant  of  the  gospel  as  heathens. 
Oh)  let  it  not  appear  at  last,  that  the  Lord  hath  hid  his 
face  from  them,  on  account  of  the  unworthiness  of  their 
teacher !  May  he  pour  out  his  Spirit  upon  them  and 
me,  that  I  may  warn  them  even  with  tears  1  On  my 
road  home  I  met  with  Mr.  — ,  and  sought  to  im* 
prove  to  his  good  the  death  of  his  brother.  During 
the  rest  of  the  evening,  I  was  groaning  under  the  most 
dark,  distrustful,  and  unhappy  thoughts.  The  little 
appearance  of  life-devotion  among  the  people  of  Lol- 
worth, either  at  public  worship  or  at  other  times,  and 
returning  home  in  a  cold  snowy  night,  had,  I  suppose, 
these  melancholy  effects  upon  my  mind,  and  made  me 
dispirited  at  the  prospect  of  missionary  hardships ;  but 
they  would  not  have  this  effect,  except  on  account  of 
the  burden  which  —  is  to  my  mind ;  the  Psalms  this 
evening  were  in  entire  unison  with  my  feelings.  I 
could  have  repeated  those  words  many  more  times, 
•'  Why  art  thou  so  heavy,  O  my  soul,  why  art  thou  so 
disquieted  within  me  ?  "  I  got  most  nearly  to  peace  and 
happiness,  by  labouring  to  feel  myself  the  meanest  of 
God's  creatures,  and  the  desert  I  have  of  being  con- 
signed over  to  eternal  punishment. 

St.  John's,  January  9,  1804. 
I  heard  of  the  death  of  your  brother,  my  dear  Sar- 
gent, some  time  ago  ;  but  I  had  neither  inclination  nor 
leisure  to  write  to  you  immediately  after.  I  hope  the 
first  impressions  of  grief  are  now  somewhat  worn  away, 
but  that  you  retain  that  blessed  effect  of  sanctified 
sorrow,  a  tender  spirit,  which  to  me  at  this  time 
appears  so  desirable,  that  I  could  be  willing  to  suffer 
any  thing,  or  do  any  thing  to  obtain  it.  I  should 
judge  by  your  account,    that    he   could   have   hardly 


1804]  LETTER.  79 

attained  the  age  of  moral  agency,  and  so  we  may  hope 
he  is  among  those  of  whom  it  is  said,  ''  Of  such  is  die 
kingdom  of  heaven."  I  trust  that  the  melancholy  event 
has,  in  answer  to  your  prayers,  been  beneficial  to  — . 
If  not  yet  in  the  degree  you  could  wish,  yet  cease  not 
to  pray  for  her.  But  how  can  I  encourage  you  to  a 
duty  in  which  I  am  so  languid  myself,  so  seldom  dis- 
posed to  "  stir  up  myself  to  take  hold  upon  God  ?  " 
How  necessary  is  self-denial  in  this  as  well  as  every 
other  duty,  through  the  corruption  that  is  in  us  1  Some- 
times I  feel  the  most  ardent  and  strong  resolutions  to 
fight  manfully,  to  exert  all  the  powers  of  the  soul 
unceasingly  in  mortifying  the  flesh ;  but  these  resolves 
are  short-lived  :  sometimes  through  forgetfiilness,  some* 
times  through  weakness,  I  find  myself  giving  way  to 
ever-craving  self-indulgence  ♦         ♦         ♦         ♦ 

I  thank  you  for  the  kind  interest  you  take  in  my  mis- 
sionary plans.  But  unless  Providence  should  see  fit  to 
restore  our  property,  I  see  no  possibility  of  my  going 
out.  Most  probably  after  all,  I  shall  be  settled  at  Cal- 
cutta, in  that  post  which  Mr.  Grant  is  so  anxious  to 
procure  some  one  to  fill  :  for  by  this  the  pecuniary 
difiiculties  which  attend  my  going  out  would  be 
removed.  *  *  *  *      .  * 

You  told  me  some  time  ago,  that  the  multiplicity  of 
business  which  would  attend  me  as  Mr.  Simeon's 
curate,  would  leave  little  time  for  reflection  on  my  future 
plans  ;  and  truly  I  find  your  prediction  fulfilled :  for  the 
composition  of  sermons,  and  preparing  for  the  societies, 
confines  the  hours  of  devotion  into  far  too  small  a' 
compass.  Nevertheless  I  have  found  my  spirit  dis- 
ciplined by  these  more  active  parts  of  the  ministry,  so  as 
to  perform  with  willingness  those  duties  from  which 
once  I  used  to  shrink.  *  *  ♦  * 

Farewell,  my  dear  brother, — amidst  all  the  afiiictions  of 
the  gospel,  and  truly  they  are  not  few,  we  shall  also  be 
made  partakers  of  its  consolations.  The  contemplation 
of  the  eternal  world  is  of  necessity  my  chief  happiness, 
and  your*s  I  hope  by  choice :  for  though  this  world 


80  JOURNAL.  [1804 

demands  your  attention  more  than  mine,  you  have 
learnt  to  give  it  its  right  value.  In  our  Father  s  house 
there  are,  I  humbly  hope,  mansions  prepared  for  us, 
purchased  only  by  the  blood  of  Jesus,  who  will  also 
keep  that  which  we  have  committed  to  him  till  that 
day. 

H.  M. 

11.  At  the  funeral  of  Mr.  Mann,  at  Lolworth,  felt 
very  solemnly:  though  the  entrance  into  eternal  joy, 
when  my  body  should  in  like  manner  be  laid  in  the 
dust,  appeared  too  good  to  hope  or  believe. 

12.  During  the  day  was  thinking  on  Col.  iiii. 
1 — 3.  Mr.  —  stayed  an  hour,  and  unexpectedly 
edified  me  much  by  his  conversation  about  repentance. 
Walked  in  the  afternoon,  and  was  able  to  pray 
steadily  with  some  seriousness.  Walked  about  with 
Professor  Farish  till  church-time.  He  observed  that 
if  I  went  out  under  the  patronage  of  the  East  India 
company,  there  would  be  more  danger  of  worldly- 
mindedness :  on  my  own  account  I  should  prefer  a  state 
of  poverty.  Was  more  perplexed  than  ever  this  even- 
ing about — but  that  only  determined  me  to  leave  the 
matter  entirely  to  God. 

13.  Was  dissatisfied  at  not  rising  so  early  as  I 
might :  these  instances  of  self-indulgence  have  a  very 
bad  effect  on  my  temper.  Engaged  on  reflecting  on  the 
same  subject  as  yesterday.  Drank  tea  in  the  evening 
at  —  and  met  about  fifteen  or  sixteen  there.  I  deli- 
vered the  subject  I  had  been  thinking  on  ;  but  with  little 
animation.  My  mind  enjoyed,  during  the  rest  of  the 
evening,  a  sweet  serenity  and  peacefulness.  It  did  not 
amount  to  spiritual  joy  :  yet  when  did  I  ever  experience 
such  happiness  in  the  days  of  my  vanity  ? 

15.  Heavy  and  distressed  this  morning ;  but  I  found 
in  some  measure,  the  truth  of  the  promise,  "  cast  thy 
burden  on  the  Lord,  and  he  shall  sustain  thee."  Walked 
half  an  hour  by  the  river-side  after  dinner,  endeavouring 
to  compose  my  mind  for  extempore  preaching,  and  this 


1804]  JOURNAL.  81 

I  accordingly  did  at  St.  Giles's,  on  Matt.  v.  3 — 5, 
though  by  no  means  to  my  satisfaction  ;  nor  ever  yet  in 
the  pulpit,  or  in  public  addresses,  have  I  experienced  any 
sweetness  of  spirit.  Called  on  one  of  the  old  women 
in  the  alms-houses,  a  truly  contrite  soul.  Drank  tea  at 
— ;  was  somewhat  comforted  in  the  evening  by  Mr. 
Simeon's  sermon  on  **  Sing,  O  ye  heavens,  for  the  Lord 
hath  redeemed  Jacob ; "  Christ's  atonement  was  my 
only  ground  of  hope  and  peace.  How  this  disastrous 
afifair  has  deranged  all  my  systems  of  reading,  early 
rising,  &c. 

16.  Went  to  —  to  breakfast,  labouring  to  maintain 
heavenly-mindedness  and  humility,  but  for  want  of 
more  reading,  retirement,  and  private  devotion,  I  have 
little  power  over  my  own  tempers.  Read  Edwards  on 
the  Affections,  and  found  some  parts  very  convincing  to 
show  me  my  low  stature  in  Christ.  In  the  morning  I 
had  a  most  painful  time  of  prayer,  the  expressions  of 
egotism  were  so  hateful  that  I  could  rather  have  died 
than  use  them  ;  this  was  not,  I  conceive,  humiliation,  for 
I  felt  no  love  towards  God  or  man,  and  could  make 
no  petition ;  but  now  after  reading  Edwards,  I  was  able 
to  pray  with  seriousness  and  strength,  but  I  was  unhap- 
pily interrupted.  Called  at  the  alms-houses  in  the 
afternoon,  one  old  woman  of  eighty-four  seemed  to 
understand  the  word,  which  was  new  to  her.  Another 
was  **  all/or  grace,"  she  said ;  she  could  not  bear  the  law 
and  morality  in  preaching,  manifesting  a  most  bitter, 
contemptuous,  and  proud  spirit  in  all  her  language.  I 
asked  her  if  she  did  not  apprehend  herself  in  danger 
of  pride.  *  No,'  she  said,  *  not  particularly  : '  But  did  not 
she  believe  that  the  heart  was  naturally  very  proud ;  *  O 
yes,'  and  many  other  things  she  mentioned  in  the  same 
strain,  allowing  the  general  topics  of  humiliation,  but 
admitting  none  of  them  into  her  own  heart.  She 
related  with  abhorrence  that  she  had  heard  a  friend  of 
Mr.  Simeon's  preach  a  sermon  in  which  the  name  of 
Jesus  Christ  was  not  so  much  as  once  mentioned. 
Might  I  not  do  the  same,  I  replied,  if  I  were  to  preach 

G 


82  JOURNAL.  [1804 

on  this  texty  **  Be  not  high-minded  but  fear."  I  left 
her  with  those  words,  ^'  If  ye  know  these  things,  happy 
are  ye  if  ye  do  them."  Of  what  an  unconquerable  nature 
is  spiritual  pride.  Went  to  Mr.  Owen's  to  supper ;  he 
sometimes  amused  and  sometimes  edified  me  by  his 
conversation^  but  —  lay  as  a  dead  weight  on  my  mind : 
yet  I  was  relieved  at  intervals  by  saying,  "  I  wiU  do  thy 
will  O  my  Grod."  Sat  up  till  two  in  the  morning  losing 
my  time  by  uncontrolable  wanderings  of  thought  in 
self-examination. 

17.  Was  unwell  with  cold  and  headache,  endea* 
voured  to  consider  Matt.  vi.  for  exposition.  Drank  tea 
at  — ,  and  expounded  Matt.  v.  3 — 5.  as  the  company 
by  their  conversation  seemed  particularly  to  need  it. 

18.  —  breakfasted  and  staid  great  part  of  the 
morning.  Had  some  freedom  and  comfort  in  prayer  in 
the  middle  of  the  day.  Walked  in  the  cloisters  of  Trinity, 
and  amid  much  carefulness  and  despondency,  had  ttikny 
reviving  views  of  Christ.  With  some  friends  I  could  say 
nothing.  O  the  exceeding  emptiness  of  my  mind 
for  want  of  more  reading  of  the  word  of  God  in 
private.  Dined  at  Professor  Parish's  with  Owen,  but 
left  them  at  five  to  go  to  S — 's.  Here  they  expected,  I 
suppose,  that  I  should  begin  a  conversation  with  them, 
but  I  was  utterly  unable,  for  through  want  of  prepara- 
tion on  a  subject  of  exhortation,  I  was  uneasy.  How- 
ever I  lifted  up  my  heart  to  the  Lord,  and  he  helped  me 
to  explain  and  enforce  the  beginning  of  the  vith  chap, 
of  Matt.  Perhaps  the  people  are  edified  through  the 
divine  blessing;  but  my  preachings  and  exhortations 
fall  infinitely  short  of  what  I  should  call  good. 

19.  Enjoyed  most  delightful  peace  and  joy  this 
morning  in  communion  with  God.  Read  some  of 
Genesis.  »  *  #  *  jjq^  mortally  do 
I  hate  the  thought.  Yet  certainly  will  I  do  the  will 
of  God,  if  I  be  cut  piece-meal.  I  bear  in  mind 
Abraham.  God's  promises  seemed  impossible  to  be 
fulfilled.  Yet  he  obeyed,  and  so  will  I,  if  it  be  God's 
will,  though  it  clogs  my  way.     To  be  made  fit  for  the 


1804]  JOURNAL.  83 

work  of  a  missionary  I  resigned  the  comforts  of  a  mar* 
ried  life  when  they  were  dear  to  me,  and  that  was  a 
severe  struggle  ;  now  again  will  I  put  forth  the  hand  of 
faith,  though  the  struggle  will  be  far  more  severe.  How 
unaccountable  the  providence  of  God  appears !  Yet  he 
is  wise,  and  righteous,  and  good,  and  so,  '^submissive 
to  thy  will  I  bow."  *•  Teach  me  to  do  thy  will,  for  thou 
art  my  God." 

20.  Unbelief  and  unhappiness  this  morning  were 
removed  by  my  being  able  to  humble  myself,  and 
remember  tiiie  resolutions  of  last  night.  How  deficient 
in  poverty  and  heavenly-mindedness  am  I  daily  with  my 
pupil,  yet  these  little  events  of  life  are  proper  trials  of 
Christian  temper.  In  prayer  I  drew  near  the  Lord,  and 
rejoiced  to  repeat  before  him  my  determination  to  do 
his  will.  Walked  with  — ,  and  tried  to  persuade  him 
to  accept  that  post  in  Calcutta  which  he  has  been  pressed 
to  fill,  but  to  my  suiprise  he  cannot  consent  to  leave 
his  native  country.  Now  that  my  mind  was  easy  one 
would  have  thought  that  the  prospect  of  the  ministra* 
tions  in  the  evening  would  have  been  deli^tful.  But 
'  no  such  thing.  Now  that  I  had  got  rid  of  one  difficulty, 
my  perverted  heart  sought  out  another.  At  dinner 
time,  ^oom  began  to  gather.  I  was  not  prepared  for 
the  evening ;  then  was  I  constrained  to  wonder  at  the 
patience  of  God,  then  did  I  see  it  good  to  be  afflicted, 
for  the  moment  the  rod  was  removed  I  was  going 
astray.  O  Lord,  gtdde  me  by  thy  own  council  It  is 
not  in  man  to  direct  his  steps.  Do  thou  act  towards 
thy  blind  creature  according  to  thine  own  wisdom  and 
love,  the  natural  bent  of  my  heart  is  to  depart  from 
thee— 4ceep  me  through  thine  own  power  through  faith 
unto  salvation.  I  see  the  reason  why  Jesus  would  not 
remove  the  thorn  out  of  St.  Paul's  flesh.  Now,  O  my 
soul,  that  thou  hast  found  rest  for  awhile,  quicken  thou 
thy  face  towards  heaven.  Now  that  thine  enemies 
cease  to  molest  thee,  lose  no  time  in  getting  forward « 
O  that  I  might  feel  resolved  to  wrestle  with  God !  In 
the  evening  prayer  I  designed  to  have  dwelt  entirely  on 

G  2 


84  JOURNAL.  [1804 

love,  that  I  might  receive  it  from  God,  hut  found  so 
much  reason  to  pray  for  humility  that  I  could  think  of 
nothing  else. 

21.  Pride  filled  my  heart  with  evil  surmises  this 
morning  when  I  rose.  There  is  no  living  without  hu- 
mility. Found  that  peculiar  kind  of  self-abhorrence  in 
prayer  this  morning,  (as  I  have  often  felt  when  expres* 
sions  of  egotism  were  hateful,)  which,  unaccountable  as 
it  may  seem,  always  accompanies  a  humiliation  not 
evangelical.  Or  else  humiliation  is  only  of  one  kind, 
namely,  legal,  and  that  which  is  called  evangelical 
humiliation  is  the  peaceful  frame  which  succeeds  humi- 
liation, not  necessarily,  but  through  grace.  Considered 
2  Titus  i.  10.  in  order  to  preach  on  it  to-morrow. 
Found  myself  sinking  into  an  earthly  and  unhappy  spirit 
and  struggled  against  it,  and  rose  above  it.  The  livth 
of  Isaiah,  and  iiird  and  ivth  of  1  John  afforded  me  much 
refreshment.  Walked  with  — ,  not  in  that  exercise  of 
faeavenly-mindedness  and  love  which  I  expected,  but 
through  worldly  conversation,  I  returned  home  dissat- 
isfied. After  dinner  the  sense  of  my  ingratitude  to 
God  and  indifference  to  the  poor  people  at  Lulworth  filled 
me  with  shame  as  having  existed  habitually  in  me. 
Prayer,  however,  removed  my  unwillingness  to  duty,  and 
slothfulness,  and  I  went  forth  disposed  to  visit  the  people 
in  Wall's  lane.  The  awfulness  of  the  ministry  pressed 
on  my  mind  deeply.  O  that  I  might  remember  what  it 
is  to  watch  for  souls  as  those  that  must  give  account. 

22.  Found  the  presence  of  God  in  prayer  at  night. 

23.  Interrupted  by  preparation  for  my  journey.  I 
went  on  the  Telegraph  to  London,  with  my  thoughts 
taken  up  at  first  with  happy  views  of  God,  but  afterwards 
they  wandered  dissatisfied,  upon  the  things  around  me. 

24.  Rose  early,  and  with  great  difficulty  attained  a 
right  spirit  by  prayer.  Learnt  some  of  Psalms  xci.  and 
cxix.  by  heart.  Walked  about  the  streets,  calling  at 
the  booksellers',  &c.  till  two  o'clock.  Thought  little  of 
God  during  my  walk  through  this  great  city  ;  when  I 
did,  however,  it  was  with  much  aff^ection.  Returned^  and 


1804]  JOURNAL.  85 

read  St.  James,  and  Edwards  on  Redemption.  Dis- 
tracted by  the  bustle  of  this  place,  and  the  dissipation 
of  my  thoughts  through  want  of  reading  and  meditation ; 
found  it  hard  to  be  collected  in  private,  or  to  force  my- 
self into  a  dear  and  lively  view  of  eternal  things. 

25.  Called  on  Dr.  WoUaston,  and  at  the  British 
Museum,  and  attended  the  Gresham  Lecture  on  Music 
by  Dr.  B — .  Returned,  and  unable  to  remain  longer 
in  such  a  dissipated,  unholy  state,  I  sought  God  ear- 
nestly in  prayer,  and  found  thajt  degree  of  realizing  fiiith, 
which  is  necessary  for  my  peace.     After  dinner  I  called 

on ,  and  I  stated  the  circumstances  of  my  family 

to  him,  and  he  seemed  to  think  that  I  ought  to  wait 
longer  for  the  directions  of  Providence.  A  veil  was 
thus  cast  over  my  Aiture  proceedings,  and  I  went  away 
bowed  down  in  spirit.  In  company  I  forgot  that  sweet 
poverty  of  spirit  which  it  would  become  me  more  to 
feel.  Poor  mean  thing  that  I  am  ;  but  I  am  contented 
to  remain  contemptible  among  men,  so  that  my  heart 
be  thereby  made  in  any  degree  more  fit  for  the  residence 
of  God.  I  walked  back  to  Mr.  Bates',  cheerfully  re- 
signing  the  conduct  of  this  business  to  God. 

26.  Staid  at  home  till  near  one  ;  read  some  Greek 
Testament  with  Mr.  Bates,  and  Jonathan  Edwards  on 
Redemption.  I  then  walked  to  the  India  House  to  Mr. 
Grant,  who  desired  I  would  come  down  to  Clapham. 
So  I  went  with  Mr.  Grant,  and  upon  the  road  he 
gave  me  much  information  on  the  state  of  India. 
He  said  that  the  language  spoken  by  the  natives  who 
lived  in  the  English  settlements,  was  the  Hindostanee, 
which  was  a  mixture  of  several  languages,  Arabic, 
Persic,  Shanscrit,  a  sort  of  lingua  franca,  but  that  the 
Bengalee  was  the  vernacular  tongue  of  the  bulk  of  the 
native  inhabitants,  and  must  be  acquired  by  mission- 
aries amongst  the  Hindoos ;  that  it  would  be  absolutely 
necessary  to  keep  three  servants,  for  three  can  do  no 
more  than  the  work  of  one  English ;  that  no  European 
constitution  can  endure  being  exposed  to  mid-day  heat ; 
that  Mr.  Swartz,  who  was  settled  at  Tanjore,  did  do  it 


86  JOURNAL.  [1804 

for  a  time,  walking  among  the  natives*  Mr.  G.  had 
never  seen  Mr.  Swartz,  but  corresponded  with  him. 
He  was  the  son  of  a  Saxon  gentleman  (the  Saxon 
gentlemen  never  enter  the  ministry  of  the  church)  and 
had  early  devoted  himself  to  the  work  of  a  missionary 
amongst  the  Indians.  Besides  the  knowledge  of  the 
Malabar  tongue,  in  which  he  was  profoundly  skilled  and 
eloquent,  he  was  a  good  classic,  and  learnt  the  English, 
Portuguese,  and  Dutch.  He  was  a  man  of  dignified  and 
polished  manners,  and  cheerful.  We  arrived  at  Mr. 
Wilberforce's  to  dinner ;  in  the  evening  we  conversed 
about  my  business ;  they  wished  me  to  fill  the  church  in 
Calcutta  very  much ;  but  advised  me  to  wait  some  time 
and  to  cherish  the  same  views.  To  Mr.  Wilberforce  I 
went  into  a  detail  of  my  views,  and  the  reasons  that  had 
operated  on  my  mind.  The  conversation  of  Mr.  Wil- 
berforce and  Mr.  Grant  during  the  whole  of  the  day  be* 
fore  the  rest  of  the  company,  which  consisted  of  Mr. 
Johnson  of  New  South  Wales,  a  French  Abbfe,  Mrs. 
Unwin,  Mrs.  H.  and  other  ladies,  was  edifying ;  agree- 
able to  what  I  should  think  right  for  two  godly  senators, 
planning  some  means  of  bringing  before  Parliament 
propositions  for  bettering  the  moral  state  of  the  colony 
of  Botany  Bay.  I  had  some  conversation  with  the 
French  Abbfe  about  the  authority  of  the  church,  but  for 
want  of  understanding  more  French  I  could  not  well 
engage  in  it.  At  evening  worship,  Mr.  W.  expounded 
sacred  scripture  with  serious  plainness,  and  prayed  in  the 
midst  of  his  large  household.  In  my  room,  after  diffi- 
culty at  first,  I  realized  eternal  things,  and  retired  to 
rest  in  the  desire  of  walking  more  closely  with  God. 

27.  Evil  tempers,  and  dark  perverted  views  of 
divine  things,  made  me  unwilling  to  pray  this  morning, 
as  they  often  do,  yet  by  prayer  the  Lord  restored  my 
soul,  and  led  me  in  the  paths  of  righteousness  for  his 
name'  sake.  I  had  many  strong  heart-searching  desires 
after  grace  and  holiness,  but  these  are  like  **  the  early  dew," 
and  it  is  for  want  of  a  contrite  spirit  that  my  purposes 
of  keeping  in  view  one  thing  are  so  unsteady.     The 


1804]  JOURNAL.  87 

deep-rooted  pride  of  my  heart  makes  God  bdiold  it  afar 
off,  and  throws  a  veil  over  all  the  bright  and  joyous 
things  in  religion.  Walked  in  the  shrubbery,  and  read 
some  of  Miss  Hamilton  on  Education,  till  breakfast. 
After  breakfisist  read  a  French  account  of  the  death  of 
Louis  XVL  which  the  Abb^  put  into  my  hands,  and 
after  some  conversation  with  Mr.  W.  left  tiiem  at  one, 
and  took  a  place -in  the  coach  for  London;  had  an 
opportunity  of  speaking  to  the  landlady  on  the  wicked- 
ness of  not  going  to  church;  and  on  the  coach-box 
with  the  driver,  I  was  talking  to  him  all  the  way  ;  some 
of  it  he  received  very  well,  other  parts  not.  Mr.  S. 
called  on  me  this  morning  after  my  return,  and  with 
him  afterwards  I  had  a  really  religious  conversation. 
In  prayer  before  dinner,  after  much  pain,  I  drew 
near  to  God,  and  received  strength  and  seriousness. 
After  being  much  in  company,  I  declined  as  usual 
in  spirit,  but  the  music  and  the  sight  of  a  rural  scene 
of  solitude  had  the  effect  of  fixing  my  thoughts  on 
heaven. 

28.  My  whole  morning  prayer  was  taken  up  as 
much  of  late  in  labouring  after  a  humble  and  contrite 
spirit.  Drank  tea  at  Mr.  Newton's  ;  the  6ld  man  waa 
very  civil  to  me,  and  striking  in  his  remarks  in  general ; 
but  few  being  disposed  to  speak,  and  he  deaf,  the  con- 
versation on  the  origin  of  sacrifices,  a  subject  I  proposed 
according  to  his  desire,  was  not  much  illustrated.  On 
my  return  I  found  myself  unhappy  in  mind,  and  un- 
happy in  heart,  but  by  prayer  and  reading  some  scrip- 
ture, I  recovered.  This  text  which  I  met,  gave  me  many 
glad  and  instructive  thoughts.  '^  If  any  man  serve  me 
let  him  follow  me,  and  where  I  am  there  shall  my  ser- 
vant be."  Read  in  the  evening  to  Mrs.  — ,  *  Burke  on 
the  Sublime,'  and  had  in  the  course  of  it,  an  instructive 
conversation  on  contrition  of  heart ;  she  wished  to  feel 
it  more,  and  I  know  it  is  the  one  thing  needftil  for  my 
peace. 

29.  (Sunday)  Read  Isaiah  liv.  after  breakfast,  with 
some  consideration  and  profit.  ...  On  coming  home,  I 


88  JOURNAL.  [1804 

retired  to  my  room,  and  had  a  most  affecting  reading 
of  Isaiah  lui.  The  arm  of  the  Lord  seemed  to  be 
revealed  to  me.  What  manner  of  love  was  it  that  the 
Lord  shotdd  be  pleased  to  bruise  him.  I  found  it  in 
my  heart  to  grieve  at  the  sufferings  of  Christ,  and  the 
sins  that  occasioned  them,  and  not  to  seek  for  any  of 
this  world's  enjoyments,  when  Christ  was  such  a  man  of 
sorrows  and  acquainted  with  grief. .  I  hoped  that  my 
soul  would  have  been  tender  and  humble  the  remaining 
part  of  the  day.  After  evening  church,  drank  tea  with 
Mr.  S.  and  had  a  very  profitable  religious  conversation ; 
he  seemed  to  desire  we  should  part  with  prayer,  but  as 
my  mind  was  rather  distracted,  I  went  away  without  it, 
but  my  heart  smote  me  afterwards,  accusing  me  of  sloth. 
In  prayer  at  night  had  many  sweet  thoughts  of  God's 
pardoning  love,  and  protecting  power,  and  interceded 
with  unusual  earnestness  for  my  dear  sister. 

31.  Began  the  day  in  hopes  of  being  able  to  keep 
steadily  in  view  the  eternal  world,  and  to  walk  humbly 
with  God.  Alas !  I  have  little  fear  of  God  before  my 
eyes,  and  seem  to  be  little  aware  of  the  peremptory  com- 
mandment of  God.  I  go  on  from  day  to  day  indulging 
indeed  no  sin  in  my  heart,  yet  feebly  pressing  towards 
the  mark  ;  yet  I  seem  to  imagine  that  a  slight  review  of 
the  defects  of  each  day  is  sufficient,  *  ♦  * 
*         *  *  May  the  Lord  give  me  repentance 

unto  life,  open  my  eyes  and  give  me  a  holy  fear,  lest 
after  having  preached  to  others  I  myself  should  become 
a  castaway.  Read  Isaiah — at  one  we  went  to  hear  the 
charge  delivered  to  the  missionaries  at  the  New  London 
Tavern  in  Cheapside.  There  was  nothing  remarkable 
in  it,  but  the  conclusion  was  affecting.  I  shook  hands 
with  the  two  missionaries,  Melchior  Rayner,  and  Peter 
Hartwig,  and  almost  wished  to  go  with  them  but  cer- 
tainly to  go  to  India. 

Returned  and  read  Isaiah,  and  retired  in  hopes  of 
holding  communion  with  God,  and  receiving  strength 
for  the  remaining  part  of  the  day.  But  whilst  I  was 
beginning  to  intercede  for  some  of  my  dearest  friends 


1804]  JOURNAL.  69 

(in  which  I  am  very  irregular)  and^especially  for  the  two 
missionaries  I  was  called  down  by  some  friends.  The 
afternoon  passed  in  much  Christian  conversation,  and  in 
the  evening  went  to  London  Stone  Church,  where  — 
preached  on  ''the  blood  of  sprinkling,  which  speaketh 
better  things  than  that  of  Abel.''  What  do  I  know,  as  he 
asked,  of  the  cleansing  efficacy  of  the  blood  of  Christ  ? 
The  continually  open  fountain  of  that  precious  blood 
is  an  encouragement  to  me  to  come  for  pardon  after 
repeated  falls,  but  do  I  not  walk  less  carefrilly  under  the 
covenant  of  grace  than  I  should  do  xmder  the  covenant 
of  works  ? 

Feb.  1.  Read  Isaiah,  and  endeavoured  to  think 
about  a  sermon  for  Sunday.  Walked  with  M.  to  the 
British  Museum,  and  though  I  saw  there  much  for 
which  I  could  at  times  glorify  God, — as  the  varieties  of 
birds,  fishes,  reptiles,  minerals,  &c.  and  the  works  of  his 
intelligent  creatures, — I  was  plagued  with  the  workings 
of  an  evil,  proud,  selfish,  dissipated,  discontented  heart. 

2.  Left  London  and  came  to  Cambridge.  At  first  on 
the  road  my  thoughts  ascended  freely  to  God,  and  my 
remarks  were  lively,  and  I  began  to  think  with  pleasure 
on  my  Sunday's  sermon,  but  I  soon  grew  tired. 

3.  Went  to  bed  with  an  earnest  and  hopeful  desire 
of  living  in  poverty  of  spirit  and  a  sense  of  my  own 
unworthiness. 

4.  The  temper  I  wished  to  retain  was  a  source  of 
great  tranquillity  to  me  this  morning.  I  was  rather 
oppressed  with  care,  yet  I  checked  the  suggestions  of 
sloth  by  considering  the  example  of  Christ  and  his 
ministers  in  the  pjresent  day,  and  was  rather  humbled  as 
I  ought  to  be,  that  I  did  not  feel  a  burning  zeal  for  the 
salvation  of  the  poor  Lolworth  people,  which  would 
make  it  sweet  to  preach  the  GospeL  Employed  all  the 
rest  of  the  evening  in  thinking  of  my  sermon.  In 
prayer  at  night,  at  whatever  part  of  myself  I  looked,  an 
immense  change  seemed  to  be  necessary.  Except  for 
more  zeal  I  could  only  pray  again  and  again,  ''  Create 
in  me  anew  heart,  and  renew  a  right  spirit  within  me." 


90  JOURNAL.  [1804 

5.  (Sunday.)  In  preaching  at  Lolworth  was  more 
serious  than  usual,  and  felt  an  earnest  desire  to  per- 
suade them  to  commit  their  souls  to  Christ.  After 
church  called  at  two  of  the  cottages.  In  one  Ae 
man,  the  father  of  a  large  family,  and  in  the  other 
the  mother,  of  whom  I  expected  better  things,  told 
me  in  the  course  of  conyersation  that  th^  used  the 
belief  as  their  favourite  prayer  at  night.  I  was  per* 
fectly  shocked,  not  only  at  their  accounting  this  prayer, 
but  also  that,  after  having  heard  the  gospel  so  long, 
they  should  not  at  least  know  better.  During  my  ride 
home  I  was  much  depressed  at  reflecting  on  their 
extreme  ignorance,  yet  through  the  miserable  perverse- 
ness  of  my  heart,  instead  of  pitying  them  I  felt  the 
strongest  dislike  to  going  to  Lolworth,  or  to  any  such 
kind  of  work.  What  a  spirit  for  a  missionary !  But  I 
looked,  up  steadily  to  Christ,  and  though  the  prospect 
of  such  uncomfortable  ministerial  labours  damped  my 
spirits,  yet  I  encouraged  myself  with  the  examples  of 
Christ  and  his  wise  and  holy  servants,  now  with  him  in 
glory,  who  once  passed  their  lives  in  such  services.  I 
I  considered  too  that  such  difficulties  were  beforehand 
to  be  expected,  and  that  unless  I  suffered  with  him  I 
should  not  reign  with  him.  To  these  arguments  I  was 
obliged  to  have  recourse,  for  the  love  of  God  and  of 
souls  was  not  uppermost  in  my  thoughts. 

6.  All  my  prayers  should  be  full  of  important 
petitions,  and  should  be  attended  with  so  much  dili*- 
gence  as  to  make  me  remember  the  subjects  of 
Uiem,  and  wait  for  answers.  Yet  I  scarcely  remember 
about  what  I  prayed  this  morning.  At  dinner  to-day  I 
fell  again  into  that  self-indulgence  which  I  determine  to 
avoid.  Want  of  self-denial  in  the  little  things,  which 
concern  the  body,  &c.  unspeakably  enervates  the  soul, 
and  wounds  the  conscience.  I  sat  down  in  the  evening 
to  read  the  Scriptures  for  my  own  comfort,  and  was  able 
to  give  many  hours  to  it  uninterruptedly.  I  collected 
all  the  passages  from  the  four  gospels  that  had  any 
reference  to  self-denial.     It  is  a  subject  I  need  to  preach 


1804]  JOURNAL.  91 

nbaut  to  myself,  and  mean  to  do  to  others.  How 
unspeakably  awfiil  is  the  latter  part  of  Mark  ix.  Oh  1 
have  I  considered  what  it  is  to  be  in  hell  for  erer,  and 
that  my  sin  really  deserves  hell.  O  Holy  Spirit  decide 
my  mind  when  it  is  doubtful.  Let  me  percdve  how 
rich  the  mercy  is  for  me  to  be  permitted  to  flee  from 
the  wrath  to  come.  Let  me  see  how  slight  are  the 
trials  I  am  called  to  endure  for  the  gospel's  sake.  And 
let  the  ministerial  work  to  which  1  often  have  carnal 
objections,  be  my  dear  delight. 

7.  Oppressed  with  care  this  morning  for  want  of 
time  to  prepare  for  the  evening.  Walked  with  Mr.  S. 
who  advised  me  not  to  preach  extempore  yet,  so  I  shall 
desist  *  *•  My  soid  trembles  often,  lest  my 
repentance  should  not  be  deep  enough,  or  lest  my  sins 
should  be  unpardonable.  But  the  blood  of  Jesus  Christ 
cleanseth  from  all  sin,  and  if  there  is  any  state  of  mind 
I  desire,  it  is  not  joy,  but  grief;  for  then  I  fed  my 
footing  surer— ^am  better  disposed  to  diligence,  sym- 
pathy, and  heavenly-mindedneas. 

8.  Did  not  endeavour  to  maintain  that  child-like, 
humble,  serious  frame,  which  is  the  desire  of  my  re- 
flecting hours.  Prepared  for  the  evening  in  a  more 
cheerfiil  spirit  than  heretofore.  But  during  my  walk» 
anxiety  on  that  account  constantly  damped  those  sweet 
and  heavenly  thoughts  which,  at  intervals,  arose  in  my 
mind.  Made  the  reflection  at  dinner,  whidi  I  have 
often  had  occasion  to  make  when  1  have  been  most 
oppressed,  that  even  this  condition  is  infinitely  prrfer* 
able  to  that  of  those  whose  minds  are  discontented  in 
the  pursuit  of  dangerous  trifles,  whereas  my  trials,  which 
either  arise  from  ministerial  or  Christian  duties,  are  for 
my  present  and  eternal  welfare.  Let  not  the  Lord  be 
provoked  at  my  continual  obstinacy,  for  I  am  indeed  as 
a  bullock  unaccustomed  to  the  yoke,  but  may  He,  by  his 
own  gracious  influences,  subdue  my  stubborn  will. 
Drank  tea  at  — — 's.  There  were  so  many  people 
crowded  in  a  very  small  room,  that  my  faculties  were 
quite  clouded.     I  found  great  difficulty  in  explaining  the 


92  JOURNAL.  [1804 

first  chapter  of  Revelation,  and  was  very  unprofitable, 
and,  what  was^worse,  my  heart  went  not  forth  ;  as  it 
seldom  does.  When  I  came  to  the  part,  *^  to  him  that 
loved  us,"  &c.  where,  if  anywhere,  my  tongue  should 
have  been  loosed,  I  could  say  nothing,  and  it  was  for 
want  of  a  contrite  spirit.  When  I  kndt  down  to  pray, 
it  seemed  as  if  I  had  not  a  word  to  say,  yet  I  found 
myself  soon  at  ease,  and  particularly  disposed  to  dwell 
on  the  prospect  of  the  world  to  come. 

9.  Read  some  Psalms  before  church,  but  found  I 
had  been  getting  into  shortness  in  prayer.  How  can  I 
expect  the  comforting  and  sanctifying  presence  of  God, 
without  **  watching  unto  prayer  with  all  perseverance  ?  " 
At  church  preached  on  '*  Enoch  walked  with  God.*' 
O  how  much  is  contained  in  that  text !  What  holy 
breathingis  of  soul,  what  familiarity  with  Grod !  What 
acquaintance  with  his  ways.  It  was  to-day  my  constant 
desire,  though  not  my  attainment,  to  be  truly  humbled ; 
without  this  temper  I  cannot  pray  aright.  It  is  a  hard 
proud  heart,  that  keeps  me  from  rejoicing  in  God. 
-  10.  Rose  earlier  than  for  some  time.  Considered 
the  latter  part  of  Ezekiel  xvi.  for  an  hour  or  two.  In 
prayer  about  this  time,  I  desired  the  true  spirit  of  con- 
trition, but  for  want  of  variety  in  expression  for  prayers 
for  this  grace,  my  petititions  slip  through  my  own  mind 
unheeded,  the  words  not  exciting  corresponding  ideas. 
The  subject  I  was  considering  this  morning,  namely, 
why  we  should  sorrow  for  sin  when  it  is  forgiven,  was 
very  comforting.  I  expect  more  profit  yet  from  the 
further  prosecution  of  it. 

1 1 .  When  I  walked,  enjoyed  much  delight  in  the 
happiness  of  a  soul  bought  with  blood.  I  had  a  more 
clear  view  of  the  glory  of  the  dispensation  of  redemp- 
tion than  ever,  and  felt  also  assured  of  future  glory. 
How  trifling  then  did  all  expected  difficulties  appear, 
though  these  happy  moments  soon  passed  away,  yet 
blessed  be  the  Lord  for  them.  Such  Elim  refreshments 
encourage  me  to  urge  my  dreary  way  with  speed  through 
the  wilderness. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  93 

12.  Had  some  desires  in  prayer  for  the  good  of  my 
Lolworth  people.  On  my  ride  thither,  I  was  in  genered 
able  to  cleave  to  God,  though  sorrowful,  and  to  be 
unconcerned  about  the  comforts  or  distresses  of  the 
body.  Preached  on  the  parable  of  the  Publican  and 
Pharisee,  a  written  sermon,  clear  and  generally,  I 
helieve,  understood.  Called  at  three  of  the  houses,  two 
of  the  masters  of  them  were  serious  men,  in  whom  I 
was  much  comforted.  Before  the  sermon  I  had  prayed  as 
in  a  void  and  harren  place,  to  which  God  would  not 
vouchsafe  his  presence,  but  now  I  rode  away  in  a  more 
cheerful  mood. 

13.  I  took  my  walk  in  great  distress  about  my  want 
of  preparation  for  the  evening,  yet  I  put  my  trust  in 
God,  and  seemed  to  feel  a  spark  of  grace  amidst  all 
these  billows  of  corruption  and  trouble.  Indeed  I  seem 
used  to  these  trials,  and  the  remembrance  of  past  assist- 
ance helps  me  onward.  The  part  I  took  was  Ezek. 
xvi.  6.  but  I  got  on  with  difficulty  ;  in  prayer  rather 
better.  When  shall  I  minister  with  a  heavenly  sweet* 
ness  in  my  own  heart  ?  when  shall  I  have  high  and  ex- 
alted views  of  this  glorious  ministration  of  die  Spirit  ? 
In  prayer  at  night,  I  had  a  solemn  sense  of  the  presence 
of  God,  and  was  conscious  that  he  heard  me. 

14.  Having  no  urgent  bujsiness  to  seize  my  mind 
this  day,  I  enjoyed  for  a  while  the  liberty  of  heing  dis- 
engaged, but  it  had  the  eflfect  of  leading  my  heart  astray. 
Sat  down  to  read  at  last,  with  a  more  serious  sobriety 
of  mind.  O  what  happiness  is  there  in  a  heart  weaned 
from  the  world,  and  undisturbed  by  its  perplexing 
vanities.  But  I  am  very  far  from  a  steady  enjoy- 
ment of  these  things.  More  frequently  I  only  feel  a 
momentary  desire  and  wish  to  enjoy  such  a  frame. 
Read  the  beginning  of  the  Acts,  with  some  profit.     In 

prayer  at  the  society  and  with afterwards,  found 

to  my  sorrow  that  I  am  acquiring  an  unthinking  fluency. 
O  let  me  learn  to  watch  my  spirit,  and  seek  to  pray  in 
secret,  earnestly,  in  a  heart-searching  manner ! 

15.  Read  this  morning  Kichener's  account  of  his 


94  JOURNAL.  [1804 

success  in  Africa.  I  felt  a  happy  ddight  arising  from 
the  account.  Omitted  one  of  the  parties  (which  I  had 
in  a  manner  promised  to  attend)  thinking  it  right  to 
appropriate  more  time  to  myself.  I  had  some  little 
doubt  whether  I  was  doing  right,  but  begged  of  God 
that  I  might  improve  the  time  I  had  taken  for  mysdf. 
Nevertheless,  I  accepted  without  thinking,  an  invitation 
from  Mr.  Simeon  to  drink  tea,  where  I  met  *  * 
L.  with  his  fulness  of  anecdote  engrossed  the  whole 
conversation,  so  that  I  went  away  at  eight  o'clock  widi 
the  dissatisfied  conviction  of  having  lost  two  hours. 
Went  home  eager  to  read,  and  began  to  think  upon 
Mark  viii«  36.  but  spent  several  hours  in  vain  attempts 
to  define  the  extent  of  self-denial,  and  to  define  it  at 
bU.  Alas !  the  days  that  I  lose.  I  am  an  unprofitable 
servant,  Lord,  teadi  me  to  redeem  my  time. 

16.  Breakfasted  with  M.  and  B.  but,  though  I  had 
solemnly  engaged  in  prayer  with  a  sense  of  the  import* 
imce  of  a  deep  seriousness,  and  earnest  improvement  of 
the  talents  of  conversation,  I  was  neither  profitable  nor 
sober-minded.  Thought  about  Mark  viii.  36.  with  very 
little  better  success  during  the  whole  morning.  Prayed 
over  the  promises  in  Isaiah  xU.  42,  43. 

17.  A  despicable  indulgence  in  lying  in  bed  this 
morning  gave  me  such  a  view  of  the  dangerous  softness 
of  my  charactOT,  that  I  resolved  on  my  kness,  to  live  a 
life  of  far  more  self-denial  than  I  had  ever  yet  done, 
and  to  begin  with  little  things.  Accordingly,  I  ate  my 
breakfast  standing  at  a  distance  from  the  fire,  and  stood 
reading  at  the  window  during  the  morning,  though  the 
thermometer  stood  at  the  freezing  point.  I  was  so  cold 
that  I  did  not  get  on  much  in  my  work  of  sermon ;  but 
the  effect  on  the  flow  of  my  thoughts  was  very  sur- 
prising, the  tone  and  vigour  of  my  mind  rose  rapidly. 
No  expected  difficulty  daunted  me,  but  seemed  to  stimu- 
late me  to  encounter  it.  I  rejoiced  that  God  had  made 
this  life  a  time  of  trial.  To  climb  the  steep  ascent,  to 
run,  to  fight,  to  wrestle,  was  the  strong  desire  of  my 
heart.     I  was  sometimes  in  doubt  whether  this  were 


1804]  JOURNAL,  98 

not  merely  the  vain  and  proud  spirit  of  heathen  sages ; 
but  passages  enough  oi  scripture  occurred  to  remind  me 
that  the  spirit  of  the  gospel  was  self-denying.  As  I 
walked  afterwards,  this  temper  still  remained.  All  those 
duties  from  which  I  usually  shrunk,  seemed  but  recrea^* 
tions,  and  the  sight  of  the  vaulted  roof  of  azure,  hid  me 
aspire  to  reach  it  by  treading  in  the  footsteps  of  Christ. 
At  five,  went  to  Mr.  P/s,  and  without  dearness  spoke  to 
lliem  on  '^  Thy  will  be  done."  Went  away  feding  the 
iniquity  of  my  holy  things,  for  though  fluent  in  prayer, 
I  found  myself  unimpressed  with  the  ordinance  at  which 
I  had  been  ministering.  Passed  the  rest  of  the  evening 
in  writing  on  Ezek.  xzxvii.  11 — 13. 

18.  Employed  most  of  the  day  in  writing  on  the 
same  subject  as  yesterday.  In  prayer  at  noon  inter- 
ceded- seriously  for  the  people  at  Lolworth.  I  prayed 
particularly  that  I  might  take  delight  in  being  with 
them,  and  wait  in  faith  for  the  time  when  this  wilder- 
ness  should  begin  to  blossom.  In  my  walk  had  too 
much  lightness  of  spirit.  Conversed  with  an  old  man 
on  the  road,  who  seemed  to  have  a  serious  concern,  but 
was  building  on  his  own  foundation.  I  preached  to 
him  Jesus  Christ*  He  seemed  to  receive  the  doctrines 
without  emotions  of  any  kind,  but  I  hope  these  truths 
will  be  found  to  suit  him  the  next  time  he  is  in  fear. 

I  indulged  the  pleasing  hope,  that  I  had  been  sent 
to  him,  as  Philip  to  the  Eunuch. 

This  is  my  birth-day.  Twenty-three  years  have 
dapsed  since  I  saw  the  light,  only  four  of  which  have 
been  professedly  given  to  God.  Much  has  been  left 
undone,  much,  very  mudi  remains  to  be  done  in  alter- 
ing my  views  as  a  Christian  and  a  minister.  Yet  my 
past  experience  of  the  long-suffering  of  God,  leaves  me 
in  no  doubt  of  being  carried  on  all  the  way.  My  desires 
at  first  were  half  true  and  half  false ;  but  now  I  fed 
that  my  heart  is  whole  for  heaven,  and  the  world  in  the 
midn  behind  my  back.  Yet  its  passing  vanities,  and 
the  flesh  kept  under  top  little,  make  me  gain  little 
ground.     Praised  be  the  Lord  for  his  mercy,  for  his 


96  JOURNAL.  [1804 

patieace,  for  it  is  that  which  the  last  year  has  taught  me 
to  understand.  The  number  of  my  days  is  exactly 
fixed  in  his  purpose.  O  may  I  glorify  thee  on  the  earth, 
and  finish  the  work  thou  giyest  me  to  do  through  Jesus 
Christ! 

19.  (Sunday.)  Many  happy  and  heavenly  thoughts 
were  kept  out  of  my  mind,  by  reading  at  church  instead  of 
praying  there.  Preached  at  Lolworth,  on  Ezek.  xxxvii. 
11 — 13,  but  not  intelligibly,  and  without  animation. 
The  two  families  on  whom  I  called  afterwards,  seemed 
incapable  of  comprehending  or  attending  to  any  saving 
truths.  Was  greatly  dejected  when  riding  home,  on 
account  of  their  ignorance  and  my  want  of  zeal.  Alas ! 
how  can  I  expect  they  should  feel  life  from  my  preach- 
ing, if  I  have  it  not  myself.  Yet  I  fed  disposed  to 
labour  in  prayer  for  improvement. 

20.  Morning  passed  with  pupils,  and  preparing  for 
the  evening.  I  found  after  dinner,  the  presence  of  my 
God  in  prayer ;  how  great  is  his  mercy,  that  without 
any  particidar  meditation  or  reading,  he  permitted  me 
to  speak  freely,  and  to  look  off  for  a  time  from  those 
concerns,  even  of  a  religious  kind,  which,  through  my 
weakness,  either  of  knowledge  or  faith,  often  distress 
and  burden  me.  After  giving,  the  afternoon  to  the  sub- 
ject, I  went  very  cheerfully  to  Mr.  Phillips's,  and  spoke 
on  the  subject  of  temptation  from  the  words,'  **  God 
did  tempt  Abraham."  Stammered  out  some  very 
unintelligible  things,  which  did  not  seem  at  all  to 
engage  their  attention.  Went  away  humbled  and 
grieved  at  the  iniquity  of  my  holy  things.  If  ever  my 
ministrations  are  of  use,  it  is  the  Lord  who  makes 
them  so. 

21.  How  many  dark  and  uncertain  days  in  the  years 
of  my  pilgrimage.  Finding  it  impossible  to  prepare  for 
the  evening,  I  went  to  request  S —  to  go  in  my  stead, 
but  he  was  out  of  town.  This  was  some  vexation  to 
me,  yet  I  endeavoured  to  make  it  an  occasion  of  faith, 
for  I  thought  that  if  I  were  going  about  the  work  of 
God,  he  would  give  me  grace  to  perform   it.     W — 


1804]  JOURNAL.  97 

called  on  me  to  walk,  but  as  my  heart  was  heavy,  I 
could  not  introduce  with  success  any  religious  topic,  but 
rather  I  fear,  betrayed  a  satirical  temper,  which  1  detest, 
conceiving  it  to  be  the  most  opposite  to  a  Christian 
temper  of  any.  *  *  *  *  O  let  me  live  in  a 
holy  superiority  to  those  earthly  things  which  would 
tempt  me  to  sin  by  producing  anger.  After  a  busy  day 
sat  up  very  late  to  gain  a  few  moments  to  read.  Read 
Brown's  remarks  on  the  latter  part  of  Genesis,  with 
some  comfort  and  profit.  Never  a  day  comes  with- 
out annoyances.  Every  day  my  will  is  thwarted.  Let 
these  trieds  but  issue  in  my  sanctification,  and  I  will 
welcome  them  all.  I  trust  and  hope  that  from  them 
I  have  learned  in  a  great  degree  the  evil  of  sin,  a 
humbled  and  tender  spirit,  and  a  subjugation  of  the  will 
to  God.  Yet  amid  these  trials  .  of  my  faith  and  pa- 
tience, my  walk  is  not  close  with  God,  as  far  as  it 
regards  the  manifestations  of  his  presence.  I  seem  to 
pray  to  a  God  not  angry,  but  indifferent  about  my 
prayers.  This  I  know  to  be  occasioned  by  my  not 
reading  Scripture  enough  for  myself ;  for  if  I  were  in 
company  with  another  Being,  I  should  not  be  much  the 
better  for  his  presence,  however  much  I  might  speak  to 
him,  unless  I  were  to  hear  his  voice. 

22.  Rose  full  of  dark  and  fearful  thoughts,  but  soon 
became  easier  by  recollection  and  prayer. 

23.  Stayed  up  so  late  last  night,  that  I  could  rise 
but  just  in  time  to  receive  C —  to  breakfast ;  but  it  was 
neither  a  time  of  profitable  conversation,  nor  an  exer- 
cise to  me  of  a  heavenly  temper.  After  he  was  gone^ 
I  sat  down  to  read  a  newspaper,  forgetful  of  having  had 
no  prayer ;  and  though  I  recollected  this  in  the  middle  of 
it,  I  continued  reading,  thinking  with  myself,  that  I 
might  as  well  finish,  and  so  have  done  with  it.  In 
prayer  afterwards  I  hardly  knew  in  what  manner  to 
approach  God,  and  how  to  address  him.  I  coidd  not 
dare  to  confess  the  sinfulness  of  that  which,  if  I  con- 
fessed, it,  would  be  a  profession  of  my  having  delibe- 
rately  disobeyed  the   dictates   of  my  conscience,   the 

H 


98  JOURNAL.  [1804 

moment  before;   which   I  was  not  convinced  that  I 
had. 

24.  Rose  at  half-past  five  with  great  difficulty,  and 
after  a  long  deliberation,  so  little  have  I  been  in  the 
habit  lately  of  not  listening  to  the  body.  •  In  prayer,  new 
and  original  subjects  of  petition  seemed  to  open  before  me. 

25.  The  leisure  hours  of  the  morning  were  employed 
in  writing  a  sermon.  Omitted  walking,  through  a  self- 
indulgent  dislike  of  a  cold  wind  which  blew,  but  loitered 
about  instead,  and  in  consequence  was  dull  and  unfit 
for  writing  during  the  rest  of  the  day. 

I  was  quite  overcome  with  sleep  in  the  evening,  till 
on  going  to  prayer  I  recovered  myself;  but  my  prayers, 
though  generally  four  times  a  day  at  least,  are  very  poor 
and  short.  I  do  not  engage  in  the  duty  unwillingly, 
but  I  am  satisfied  with  a  narrow  and  short  transition, 
from  things  temporal  to  things  eternal. 

26.  (Sunday.)  Strove  to  maintain  such  a  sense  of 
the  blessedness  of  the  Sabbath,  of  the  composure  of 
mind  which  becomes  me,  of  the  excellency  of  preaching 
the  gospel,  of  the  earnest  desire  it  behoves  me  to  feel  for 
the  salvation  of  souls,  &s  I  knew  I  ought  to  feel,  and 
then  did  feel.  On  my  ride  to  Lolworth,  was  more  right 
in  spirit  than  I  have  been  for  some  time  past.  The 
inclemency  of  the  weather  affected  me  less  ;  I  found  the 
presence  of  God  in  my  heart,  with  which  I  felt  that  the 
most  dark  and  dreary  place  would  be  pleasant.  I  offered 
up  my  prayers  also  for  the  poor  people  to  whom  I  was 
going  ;  but  alas !  my  desires  for  their  salvation  were  so 
small,  that  I  ought  to  be  ashamed  to  mention  them, 
and  grieved  before  God.  Preached  on  the  parable  of 
the  lost  sheep ;  a  blessed  subject,  yet  my  manner  of 
writing  and  speaking  made  it,  I  am  afraid,  of  little  use ; 
but  I  prayed  that  God  would  not  make  my  weakness  a 
reason  of  its  not  profiting  them.  I  thought  it  right  to 
accept  an  invitation  to  drink  tea  with  Mr.  —  at  Lol- 
worth, in  hope  of  being  able  to  conciliate  him. 

Mr.  Simeon's  sermon  this  evening,  on  Ezek.  xxxvi. 
32,  was  very  humiliating  to  me.     The  hymn  before  the 


1804]  JOURNAL.  99 

sermoD,  in  behalf  of  ministers,  seemed  to  draw  down  a 
blessing  at  the  time  upon  my  soul. 

27.  Very  narrow  in  my  petitions  this  morning, 
chiefly  on  one  point,  that  my  business  might  not  con- 
fuse my  thoughts,  and  lead  me  away  from  God,  which 
I  think  was  answered.  During  my  walk  I  felt  an 
aching  void.  My  heart  was  not  forcing  itself  from 
Grod's  service,  or  to  sin,  but  it  was  imable  to  find  any 
subject  of  desire,  or  fear,  or  occasion  of  prayer,  except 
that  light  and  earnestness  might  be  given  me.  This 
extreme  emptiness  must  be  owing,  I  think,  to  not 
reading  more  of  his  word  in  private  devotion,  which  I 
have  determined  to  do,  for  it  is  a  duty  superior  to  the 
duties  of  the  ministry,  which  indeed  I  cannot  perform 
well  without  it.  Yet  the  pressure  of  business  tempts 
me  to  shorten  the  time  which  ought  to  be  devoted  to 
Grod.  After  dinner,  found  a  few  moments  of  prayer  of 
blessed  effect  in  recalling  my  mind.  Sat  till  four  with 
two  old  women  at  the  alms-house,  and  then  went  to 
Parish's  lecture;  from  that  time  tiU  nine  employed 
about  a  sermon  to  little  purpose.  Got  on  afterwards  with 
my  sermon  a  few  pages,  for  which  I  felt  thankful. 

29.  Employed  about  my  sermon  aU  leisure  hours. 
I  was  more  serious  than  for  sonde  time,  and  during 
my  walk,  felt  and  lamented  the  evil  of  faithless  prayers, 
and  irreverent  ejaculations. 

March  J.  During  my  walk  I  had  not  humiliation 
enough  to  be  happy,  but  yet  I  was  so  impressed  with 
the  necessity  of  self-denial,  that  no  further  difliculty 
terrified  me.  Was  much  affected  with  an  apostrophe 
at  the  end  of  Biddulph's  account  of  D — 's  death. 

2.  At  night  about  my  sermon,  read  the  latter  end  of 
Revelations,  and  so  very  lively  was  the  impression  on 
my  mind,  that  I  was  often  in  tears.  So  awful,  so 
awakening  is  this  book  to  me.  Prayed  with  more  fer- 
vour than  I  have  done  of  late,  and  went  to  bed  fiill  of 
the  sense  of  the  importance  of  eternal  things,  and  of 
living  every  day  as  my  last. 

6.     In   the  morning  I   sought  to   rouse  myself  to 

H  2 


100  JOURNAL-  [1804 

greater  earnestness  in  prayer^  and  enjoyed  some  fiieedom 
in  it.  It  was  my  earnest  desire  to  walk  in  the  fear  of 
God's  holy  name,  and  to  have  a  more  awful  alarm 
about  my  state,  and  to  dread  his  displeasure.  Read 
and  prayed  on  John  xir,  and  was  peaceful  in  the  course 
of  my  walk  out.  Looked  at  an  iron  foundry  in  Wall's 
Lane  :  the  fierce  fire  raised  many  solemn  ideas  of  God*8 
power,  and  of  hell. 

7.  Vexed  at  my  loss  of  time.  At  church  this  mor* 
ning  I  began  to  read  the  service  with  the  most  daring 
ind^erence,  as  if  it  were  a  loss  of  time,  not  regarding 
the  presence  of  that  great  God  before  whom  I  minis* 
tered,  but  afterwards  he  had  mercy  on  me,  and  taught 
me  to  tremble  ;  my  vexatious  murmuring  at  loss  of  time 
continued  afterwards,  but  dining  my  walk  I  recovered 
tranquillity,  and  reflected  that  I  could  never  be  more 
profitably  employed  than  in  doing  his  will,  and  that  if 
that  called  me  out  of  doors,  it  was  my  duty  to  enjoy  his 
presence  wherever  I  went.  Composed  some  poetry 
during  my  walk,  which  often  has  a  tendency  to  divert 
my  thoughts  from  the  base  distractions  of  this  life,  and 
to  purify  and  elevate  it  to  higher  subjects.  Visited  — 
and  theft  the  work-house,  and  one  of  the  women  in  the 
alms*house. 

On  my  return  to  my  rooms,  read  Hopkins  with 
great  delight,  and  felt  disposed  to  find  all  my  happiness 
in  prayer,  reading  God's  word,  and  in  the  work  of  the 
ministry.  O  may  these  motions  of  the  good  Spirit  of 
God  never  be  taken  away,  through  the  wickedness  of 
my  own  heart ;  but  what  wonders  of  long-suffering  and 
of  grace  do  I  experience  from  God  every  day !  "  Where 
sin  hath  abounded,  grace  doth  much  more  aboimd." 
May  it  reign  through  righteousness  unto  eternal  life. 

8.  During  my  walk,  my  mind  was  too  much  en- 
gaged in  the  composition  of  poetry,  which  I  found  to 
leave  me  far  short  of  that  sweetness  I  seemed  in  a  frame 
to  enjoy.  Yet  on  the  spot  where  I  have  often  found 
the  presence  of  God,  the  spirit  of  prayer  returned  ;  but 
I  never  continue  long  enough  in  the  exercise  of  it  to 


1804]  JOURNAL.  101 

profit  much.  I  fed  the  need  of  setting  apart  the  first 
day  I  can  for  the  restoration  of  my  soul  by  solemn 
prayer,  for  my  views  of  eternity  are  becoming  very  dim 
and  transient ;  prayed  with  fervour  and  sincerity,  I  hope, 
for  myself,  lest  envy  should  arise  in  my  wretched  heart, 
*  *  *  I  could  not  have  believed  but 

that  I  was  next  to  perfectly  indifferent  about  worldly 
honour,  but  1  was  now  convinced  of  the  contrary. 
Alas !  how  much  more  ready  and  disposed  am  I  to 
prefer  in  myself  intellectual  attainments  to  moral,  and 
more  willing  to  allow  my  own  inferiority  in  this  latter 
rather  than  in  the  former.  In  my  endeavours  to  rise 
beyond  the  mean  vanities  of  human  glory,  my  soul 
enjoyed  many  precious  thoughts  of  eternity,  and  thus  I 
perceive  how  every  disquiet  operates  for  the  good  of 
God's  children,  by  stirring  them  up  to  pray.  Oh  how 
rich  the  mercy,  to  have  one  to  whom  to  apply  for  deli* 
verance  from  these  malignant  passions  !  and  how  needful 
is  purification  from  the  filthiness  of  the  spirit !  I  have 
seldom  considered  myself  as  even  liable  to  envy.  I  feel 
<^onsiderable  pain  at  being  surpassed  in  learning  or 
abilities  by  those  of  the  same  age,  but  littla  or  none  at 
my  inferiority  in  moral  acquirements.  That  tkis  is  the 
fact  I  cannot  doubt,  if  I  know  my  own  mind.  How  is 
it  to  be  accounted  for  ?  The  manner  most  favourable 
to  myself,  in  which  I  should  account  for  it,  is  that  any 
body  may  advance  as  far  as  he  will  in  moral  endow- 
ments, but  not  so  in  intellectual,  and  the  value  of  the 
object  is  enhanced  by  the  difficulty  of  attaining  it. 

9.  I  read  Smith  on  the  *  Sacred  Office/  and  ac- 
quired many  awakening  and  quickening  impressions 
from  that  work.  I  trust  that  it  will  be  blest  by  God  to 
my  good,  for  I  felt  many  holy  desires  of  being  truly  a  man 
of  prayer  and  heavenly-mindedness.  Henceforth  may  I 
be  so,  but  at  present  I  am  a  poor  creature.  Blind,  yet 
believing,  I  see ;  almost  dead,  yet  believing,  I  live. 

10.  Rose  in  a  temper  of  calmness,  but  passed  my 
leisure  hours  unprofitably,  for  want  of  exerting  myself 
more.     The  conviction  of  my  unprofitableness  stirred 


102  JOURNAL.  [1804 

me  up  to  pray  with  some  earnestness  over  part  of 
1  Timothy,  but  so  dwelt  upon  my  mind  during  my 
whole  walk,  that  I  could  not  raise  my  heart  to  God 
with  any  delight. 

On  my  favourite  spot,  the  scene  of  many  sacred 
thoughts,  my  Bethel,  into  which  I  hope  never  to  enter 
without  a  holy  awe,  and  never  to  leave  without  a  bles- 
sing, I  knelt  down  and  prayed  for  relief  to  my  soul.  I 
think  my  prayer  was  answered,  for  I  found  myself  more 
at  peace. 

13.  My  heart  again  this  morning  filled  me  with 
evil  thoughts  and  unwillingness  to  approach  God,  from 
whom  I  had  received  so  lately  such  unexpected  favours 
and  mercies.  Yet  in  prayer  it  assumed  a  different 
temper.  During  my  walk  I  sought  without  much 
success  to  have  a  rejoicing  of  hope  by  trust  in  God, 
in  spite  of  the  thoughts  that  arose  to  depress  my 
mind. 

14.  Why  do  I  not  always  maintain  k  humble,  seri- 
ous, and  loving  spirit? 

15.  Rose  early,  and  passed  the  day  in  the  enjoy- 
ment of  considerable  peace.  In  the  morning  I  got  on 
in  my  sermon  with  ease,  and  found  the  subject  of  unbe- 
lief attended  with  a  blessing  to  myself.  The  passages 
adduced  to  obviate  unbelief,  were  so  influential  upon 
my  mind,  that  I  found  myself  drawn  nearer  to  God, 
and  able  to  walk  with  him  in  tranquillity.  Oh,  what  an 
incitement  to  holiness  is  it,  that  in  no  one  case  is  it 
right  to  depart  from  God. 

Whether  from  negligence  or  necessary  business,  I 
had  no  reading  of  God's  word  all  the  day.  This  is  an 
evil  that  must  be  remedied,  though  I  hardly  know  how 
to  effect  it.  Public  ministrations  take  up  my  time  and 
thoughts  too  much,  though  too  little  of  my  heart.  I 
ought  to  make  my  own  soul's  increase  of  grace  and 
love  to  God,  my  great  and  primary  concern,  and  to  leave 
my  outward  ministrations  to  Him,  whom  I  may  safely 
trust  to  for  assistance,  if  I  walk  strictly  in  his  ways.  I 
often  regret  that  I  am  not  a  private  Christian,  but  when 


1804]  JOURNAL.  103 

I  was,  my  soul  was  not  fixed  on  spiritual  things,  even 
as  it  is  now. 

17.  I  had  many  careful  thoughts  and  unbelieving 
fears  in  my  walk,  and  found  great  difficulty  in  getting 
on  in  my  sermon,  and  great  interruption,  and  much 
fatigue  and  dislike  to  the  service  of  Christ,  but  looked 
up  to  heaven  for  support,  and  repeated  those  words, 
^'  I  know  that  for  my  name's  sake  thou  hast  laboured 
and  hast  not  fainted." 

18.  (Sunday.)  Employed  about  sermon  till  church 
time,  duriug  the  service  enjoyed  much  delight. 

Mr.  Simeon's  sermon  in  the  evening  was  very  awful, 
and  reached  my  conscience. 

19.  By  rising  late  I  was  short  in  prayer,  yet  I  can 
almost  always  reach  beyond  the  world,  partly  indeed 
by  the  help  of  imagination.     All  the  morning  I  was 

with and  went  away  in  great  sorrow ;  but  in  prayer 

I  again  and  again  professed  to  resign  all  my  will  to 
God,  and  in  that  spirit  to  wait  for  the  manifestation  of 
his.  The  rest  of  this  afternoon  I  was  continually  temp- 
ted to  misery  and  unbelief  in  departing  from  God,  but 
by  ejaculatory  prayer  I  kept  my  ground. 

Read  some  chapters  in  Exodus  afterwards,  and  had 
my  heart  solemnly  impressed  with  the  mighty  power  of 
God.  On  the  whole,  though  I  have  studied  little,  and 
done  nothing  for  the  good  ofothers,  I  have  found  it  an 
occasion  of  shewing  me  the  love  and  power  of  God. 
These  faint  glimmerings  of  the  knowledge  of  God, 
make  me  desire  to  know  him  more,  and  to  long  after 
that  life  where  I  shall  know  even  as  I  am  known. 

20.  My  spirit  groans  at  my  unprofitableness.  For 
want  of  study,  and  diligence  in  redeeming  time,  my 
mind  is  empty  and  unsatisfied.  Stayed  an  hour  with 
— ,  and  employed  the  rest  of  the  morning  in  writing  and 
reading  from  *  Edwards  on  the  Affections,'  without 
gaining  any  knowledge.  Have  not  yet  got  into  its  spi- 
rit. In  my  walk,  my  heart  was  not  fixed  upon  God,  nor 
upon  any  thing  else.  After  dinner  was  with  —  till 
four,  then  I  sat  with  a  party  at  Mr.  Simeon  s  till  seven, 


104  JOURNAL.  [1804 

then  with  my  pupil  till  ten.  Thus  the  day  was  passed, 
no  Scripture  read,  seldom  in  prayer  to  God,  no  poor 
people  visited,  no  knowledge  gained  in  a  day  which 
should  have  been  taken  up  in  right  and  improving 
exercises,  as  I  had  no  particular  engagement.  How 
angry  I  feel  at  myself,  and  I  hardly  know  for  what.  I 
can  hardly  tell  how  to  reform  my  mode  of  life,  so  as  to 
gain  time.  But  earnestly  does  my  soul  long  to  live  a 
life  of  piety  and  prayer.. 

21.  Resolved  to  set  apart  the  chief  part  of  this  day 
for  solemn  prayer  and  humiliation.  But  through  inter* 
ruptions,  I  could  not  begin  till  half-after  ten,  when  my 
soul  so  tasted  the  sweetness  of  religion  and  prayer,  that  as 
soon  as  I  opened  my  mouth,  my  heart  was  fiiU;  and  for 
half  an  hour  I  enjoyed  great  abstraction  from  the  world, 
and  nearness  to  God.  But  at  eleven  I  read  prayers  at 
church,  not  with  such  devotion  as  I  expected,  but 
during  an  hour  and  a  half,  which  I  passed  afterwards  in 
reading  Scripture  and  prayer,  I  found  my  heart  hard 
and  bitter,  not  only  at  being  so  little  disposed  to 
pray  for  my  people  at  Lolworth,  but  at  the  necessity 
of  my  loving  them,  and  of  labouring  and  praying  for 
them.  Alas  1  I  must  have  far,  far  more  love  to  souls 
before  I  dare  go  abroad.  During  my  walk,  my  mind 
cleared  up. 

22.  Rose  a  little  after  five,  but  was  not  able  to 
begin  my  sermon.  G —  breakfasted  with  me,  and 
stayed  all  the  morning  telling  me  about  India.  During 
my  walk,  my  sermon  began  to  open  before  me,  and  I 
returned  home  cheerful,  and  desiring  to  be  always 
happy  by  trusting  God.  At  night  I  read  to  my  bed- 
maker,  and  prayed  somewhat  solemnly,  and  in  private 
afterwards,  with  some  fervour,  in  the  conviction  of  my 
unprofitableness. 

23.  Coming. away  from  the  poor-house,  I  found 
people  quarrelling  in  the  street,  to  which  I  presently 
put  a  stop  ;  but  it  is  painful  to  reflect  with  what  uncon- 
cern I  daily  witness  the  sin  and  misery  of  my  fellow- 
creatures. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  103 

24.  My  prayer  this  moming,  as  every  morning  for 
some  time,  has  been  almost  wholly  for  seriouspess  and 
sobriety  of  mind.  Passed  a  long  time  with  — .  Thus 
my  hours  are  lost,  my  mind  is  unimproved^  and  yet  it 
is  an  imperious  call  of  duty.  May  the  Lord  take  care 
of  me,  and  order  all  things  for  my  good. 

25.  (Sunday.)  Read  prayers  in  chapel.  At  church 
was  not  steadily  tranquil.  Preached  at  Shelford  on 
2  Tim.  i.  10.  I  enjoyed  much  delight  in  the  service ;  I 
spoke  with  freedom  and  clearness,  and  trust  it  was  not 
unprofitable  to  the  hearers. 

26.  Read  in  chapel  with  some  difficulty,  on  account 
of  the  exertions  of  yesterday.  In  private  prayer,  prayed 
that  my  past  unprofitableness  mi^t  not  lead  away  my 
wretched  heart  fix>m  God,  nor  discourage  me  from  hold- 
ing on  my  way.  Read  *  Fletcher's  Portrait'  for  an 
hour  with  great  profit,  and  prayed  after  it  in  deeper, 
sense  of  my  own  meanness,  and  my  utter  unwortliiness 
of  the  work  of  the  ministry         ♦  ♦  * 

I  act  in  this  business  in  conformity  to  the  will  of  God, 
according  to  the  best  of  my  judgment;  yet  thus  my  time 
passes  unimproved,  but  I  must  patienUy  submit  to  it ; 
at  night  I  drew  near  to  God  in  prayer,  and  felt  disposed 
thankfully  to  labour  in  all  earnestness  and  simplicity,  to 
call  my  poor  fellow-creatures  to  Christ. 

27.  28.  Wrote  during  the  morning  on  Job  xxii.  21. 
During  my  walk  I  had  many  solemn  thoughts  on  Mr. 
C — 's  death.  In  the  afternoon  baptised  five  children, 
and  found  myself  approaching  to  that  levity  from  which 
I  have  been  more  free  of  late. 

30.  (Good  Friday.)  Read  in  chapel,  and  finished 
my  sermon  with  my  mind  somewhat  solemnly  impressed 
with  the  subject  of  it.  At  church  I  strove  to  profit  by 
the  sermon,  which  I  did,  for  I  went  away  very  desirous 
of  imitating  the  faith  of  Abraham.  But  alas !  when  the 
trials  of  faith  come,  as  they  do  every  day,  I  am  seldom 
aware,  and  seldom  act  worthily. 

Before  evening  church,  I  had  a  few  profitable  mo- 
ments  in  prayer,  which  had  its  eflfect  during  the  whole 


106  JOURNAL.  [1804 

evening  service-  I  long  for  communion  with  the  bles- 
sed Godr 

31.  Breakfasted  with  S — ,  and  retained  the  serious 
impressions  of  the  morning  prayer.  After  dinner,  being 
at  leisure,  from  having  procured  the  promise  of  assist- 
ance, began  to  pray  with  great  fervour,  and  found 
my  eyes  open  soon  upon  the  invisible  world.  I  conti- 
nued so  in  great  freedom  and  earnestness  rather  more 
than  half  an  hour,  but  oh,  I  could  live  for  ever  in 
prayer,  if  I  could  always  in  it  speak  to  God  I  At  the 
end  felt  a  great  fear  of  forgetting  the  presence  of  God, 
and  of  leaving  him  as  soon  as  I  should  leave  the  pos- 
ture of  devotion.  My  mind  was  strongly  impressed 
with  that  wonderful  sight  of  the  invisible  tilings  which 
the  believer  is  made  to  receive,  and  I  was  eager  to  read 
what  Dr.  Watts  has  written  on  the  hidden  life.  I  had 
never  read  it  before,  but  I  was  exceedingly  delighted 
with  it,  as  it  cleared  my  mind,  and  raised  my  thoughts 
more  to  a  steady  belief  of  the  spiritual  life.  Drank  tea 
with  Mr.  Simeon,  and  was  much  struck  and  edified  by 
his  account  of  God's  providence,  in  bringing  him  first 
to  his  church.  Read  Watts's  sermon  afterwards  till 
supper,  and  went  into  hall  with  my  mind  fully  engaged 
in  the  high  subject  on  which  I  had  been  meditating* 
Found  —  and  —  conversing  about  *  * 

♦  ♦  ♦  *  *  All  this 

appeared  to  me  to  be  a  bubble  and  a  dream.  Perhaps 
they  would  have  accounted  me  a  visionary,  could  they 
have  read  my  mind.  It  was  with  some  pity,  I  hope^ 
and  grief,  that  I  contemplated  in  silence,  men  of  strong 
minds  so  childishly  employed. 

April  1.  (Easter  Sunday.)  Was  prevented  by  one 
thing  and  another,  from  being  any  considerable  time  in 
prayer,  which  I  endeavoured  to  regard  as  a  visit  to  the 
invisible  world.  In  the  morning  service  I  was  not 
abstracted  from  the  world,  except  at  a  few  passing 
intervals.  In  the  sacrament  I  had  to  lament  the  want 
of  a  broken  heart,  and  in  my  private  prayers  at  the 


1804]  JOURNAL.  107 

time,  I  seemed  to  be  speaking  in  a  crowd  when  I  could 
think  of  nothing  distinctly.  Called  at  the  house  of  a 
poor  woman  in  Wall's  Lane.  Her  husband,  who 
would  never  suffer  any  one  to  come  near  her  till  a  few 
days  before,  came  into  the  house.  I  went  out  and 
warned  *  the  wicked  man  that  he  would  surely  die.'  He 
confessed  that  he  was  cut  to  the  heart  when  I  talked  to 
him  of  eternal  torment,  and  consented  to  come  in  and 
join  in  prayer — ,  which  he  did. 

2.  In  my  walk  I  found  myself,  as  ^  as  I  could 
judge,  entirely  disposed  to  obey  the  will  of  God  in 
whatever  manner  he  might  order  it,  having  particularly 
in  my  mind . 

4.  In  my  walk  I  was  somewhat  in  a  rejoicing 
frame,  at  the  remembrance  of  what  God  had  done  for 
me  by  Christ  and  his  Spirit.  I  longed  for  that  heaven 
where  I  should  be  perfectly  pure  and  active.  I  sat 
and  read  the  last  chapter  of  Revelation. 

5.  Walked  with  — ,  but  my  mind  was  not  disposed 
by  commimion  with  God  for  spiritual  conversation,  for 
he  called  before  the  time  of  my  prayer.  Was  extremely 
edified  by  — *s  sermon  at  Trinity  Church,  both  in  my 
private  and  public  capacity.  I  was  ashamed  and  grieved 
at  writing,  and  having  written  such  sermons,  after 
hearing  his  truly  religious  gravity. 

6.  Walked  with  G — ,  but  having  had  no  prayer 
immediately  before  going  out,  I  could  not  converse  with 
ease  and  cordiality,  though  I  wished  it. 

7.  In  my  walk  could  not  get  near  to  God ;  want  of 
reading  Scripture  is  the  reason  of  this  strangeness.  H — 
and  S —  sat  with  me  till  past  seven  ;  from  dinner 
time  our  conversation  was  such  that  I  did  not  think 
the  time  spent  in  vain.  Went  to  Mrs.  T — ,  who  was 
apparently  dying.  It  was  of  no  use  to  read,  they  said, 
so  I  spoke  to  her,  begging  her  to  cast  herself  simply 
upon  Jesus.  She  observed  once  while  I  was  not 
speaking  to  her,  that  she  should  be  miserable  for  ever 
unless  God  would  have  mercy  upon  her,  but  she  hoped 
he  would  for  the  sake  of  Jesus  Christ.     This  was  the 


108  JOURNAL.  [1804 

first  time  I  had  heard  her  mention  the  name  of  Christ. 
Then  she  said,  she  had  no  deep  repentance.  She 
wished  to  have  more  time,  thoiigh  but  a  day  longer,  that 
she  might  have  a  deeper  repentance. 

8.  In  my  prayer  this  morning,  as  for  some  time 
past,  I  could  easily  find  myself  alone  with  God,  but 
failed  in  topics  of  supplication  for  want  of  reading. 
Preached  at  Trinity  church  without  much  comfort. 
Detestable  thoughts  about  the  opinions  of  men  so 
intruded.  During  service  at  night,  and  preaching  at 
Trinity  church,  my  mind  enjoyed  great  solemnity.  I 
iind  that  preaching  well  and  living  well  in  humiliation 
and  communion  with  God  have  no  necessary  connection. 
At  night  in  reading  Rev.  i.  and  ii.  I  had  many  solemn 
-and  blessed  thoughts.  To  the  angel  of  the  church  at 
Lolworth  write — What?  To  that  of  Ephesus  he  said, 
*'  I  know  thy  labour  ; ''  would  he  say  so  to  me  ?  I 
feel  convinced  that  I  do  not  labour  in  secret  prayer  for 
them.  **  Thou  hast  left  thy  first  love."  Alas  1  I  never 
did  love  as  I  ought.  Henceforth  it  is  my  desire  to 
know  God,  and  labour  indeed,  and  enter  deeply  into 
this  rich  treasure  of  his  word,  and  to  grow  in  every  grace. 

9.  I  addressed  myself  with  earnest  prayer  and  a 
strong  desire,  to  know  and  learn  the  epistle  to  the 
Romans  in  the  Greek,  and  read  the  two  first  chapters 
with  attention  and  profit. 

10.  I  enjoyed  much  comfort  in  prayer  this  morning. 
I  find  that  it  is  my  great  business  to  strive  to  maintain 
a  humble  and  serious  mind,  if  I  would  enjoy  peace  and 
•communion  with  God.  Read  in  the  Greek  ^e  epistle  to 
Romans,  with  new  and  enlarging  views.  Walked  to 
Shelford.  Very  often  I  could  see  myself  a  lost  sinner, 
a  debtor  to  mercy  alone.  I  was  happy  and  joyftd. 
Hoped  and  prayed  on  the  road  that  I  might  in  the  day 
be  aware  of  God's  presence,  and  strive  by  all  my  con- 
versation to  glorify  him.  On  my  return  home  was  not 
humbled  enough  to  come  near  God.  Supped  in  hall, 
where  I  had  an  opportunity  of  speaking  the  truth,  which 
I  did  in  a  measure. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  109 

1 1 .  After  a  morning  of  continual  interruptions  went 
out  with  a  painful  sense  of  a  day  unprofitably  spent. 
Yet  in  my  walk,  by  seeing  myself  a  debtor  to  mercy 
alone,  I  enjoyed  much  tranquillity  and  clearness  of 
thought.  At  night  I  endeavoured  to  suppose  myself  on 
my  death-bed,  in  order  to  see  what  views  I  should 
then  have  of  my  conduct  in  this  business.  What  keeps 
me  still  in  a  sort  of  fear  and  suspense  is,  that  the  result 
of  my  deliberations  coincides  with  my  own  will. 

12 dwelt  heavily  on  my  mind,  but  in 

prayer  at  noon  I  committed  myself  in  trust  to  God  and 
Christ  with  some  peace  and  joy.  In  my  way  to  Mr. 
Simeon's  heard  part  of  the  service  in  King's  Chapel. 
The  sanctity  of  the  place  and  the  music,  brought  heaven 
and  eternal  things  and  the  presence  of  God  very  near 
to  me. 

Read  at  church,  and  unexpectedly  had  much 
solemnity  and  happy  views.  Whenever  I  am  attentive 
to  this  world,  I  see  vanity  and  vexation  of  spirit  written 
upon  it.  Alas  I  how  much  time  lost.  How  much  sin 
committed  this  day.  Yet  Oh,  how  I  long  to  live  a  life 
t>f  devotedness  of  God. 

14.  Distressed  about  my  future  plans,  but  by  recoU 
lecting  that  whatever  He  ordered  for  me  must  be  for 
His  glory  and  for  my  final  good,  I  recovered  my  quiet 
by  resigning  myself  and  all  that  concerned  me  into  His 
hands  ;  in  prayer  during  my  walk  I  did  the  same,  and 
went  away  benefited,  with  a  desire  to  live  to  God  all 
the  day.  After  dinner  wrote  sermon.  In  the  evening, 
from  having  been  more  fi-equently  in  prayer  to-day 
than  usual,  I  drew  nigh  unto  the  Lord,  and  felt  more 
fulness  of  heart  in  prayer  for  myself  and  others,  though 
just  before  it  I  was  distressed  by  many  fearful  and 
unbelieving  thoughts.  Read  Thess.  iv.  and  v.  with 
exceeding  profit,  and  learnt  them  by  heart. 

1 5 .  (Sunday.)  Was  prevented  from  so  much  reading 
and  prayer  as  I  wished  to  have,  in  order  to  maintain 
the  impressions  of  last  night.  Read  and  preached  at 
Trinity  on  John  iv.  29.     On  the  road  to  Stapleford^ 


110  JOURNAL.  [1804 

anxiety  about  the  evening  kept  me  a  good  deal  from  the 
sense  of  the  presence  of  God.  After  the  evening  ser* 
vice  I  enjoyed  the  blessing  of  peace  and  joy.  Thus  the 
Lord  is  always  better  to  me  than  my  fears,  and  puts  a 
new  song  into  my  mouth  when  I  least  expect  it.  In 
the  family  at  night  I  joined  with  great  freedom  and 
delight  in  spiritual  conversation,  and  strove  to  make  it 
profitable  to  some  young  persons  there.  In  prayer  at 
night,  the  self-seeking  departure  from  God  and  pride  of 
my  heart  recurred  to  my  recollection,  and  seemed  to 
have  filled  up  the  day.  The  more  attentively  I  consider 
my  spirit  at  any  one  time,  the  more  manifestly  does 
my  incessant  proneness  to  sin  appear  to  my  conscience. 
I  solemnly  renounced  the  world,  and  the  comforts,  even 
the  lawful  comforts  of  it,  before  God  this  night,  that  I 
might  be  entirely  his  servant.  This  was  accompanied 
with  some  degree  of  melancholy,  as  if  I  were  about  to 
be  a  loser  by  it,  but  I  was  made  to  perceive  the  pride 
and  ignorance  of  supposing  I  had  made  any  sacrifice. 
The  remembrance  of  what  I  had  done  to  deserve  des- 
truction, and  the  view  of  the  superlative  excellency  and 
glory  of  being  the  servant  of  God,  and  having  him  for 
my  only  portion,  soon  made  me  thankful  at  having 
made  a  happy  exchange. 

18.  The  whole  of  the  evening  till  a  late  hour,  I  was 
engaged  in  writing  a  few  lines  for  the  Seatonian  Prize. 
I  regard  this  exercise  as  a  lawful  pleasure,  but  I  was 
employed  with  rather  too  great  avidity,  and  the  mind 
after  it  has  been  accustomed  to  fiction  and  pleasures  of 
the  imagination,  returns  unwillingly  even  to  the  most 
important  realities. 

]  9.  H —  breakfasted  with  me,  but  I  could  not  con- 
verse with  freedom,  indeed  I  had  the  utmost  diflSculty 
to  keep  the  poem  out  of  my  head,  both  now  and  in  the 
morning  before  prayer.  Heard  an  impressive  sermon 
from  —  on  "  I  have  fought  a  good  fight,"  &c.  Oil 
felt  that  I  had  never  been  fighting,  never  running* 
At  moments  indeed  I  have  been  stirred  up  to  begin  the 
struggle,  but  soon,  before  I  was  aware,  I  found  myself 


1804]  JOURNAL.  Ill 

self-indulgent,  and  my  hands  slack.  In  my  walk  found 
great  pleasure  in  thinking  on  the  subject  of  my  poem, 
and  it  became  such  a  snare  that  I  was  unwilling  to  turn 
from  it  to  learn  some  of  the  Scriptures ;  but  how- 
ever I  did,  and  found  myself  delivered,  through  mercy, 
from  any  strong  bias  to  prefer  any  thing  to  the  service 
of  God. 

21.  Found  tnyself  in  a  serious  humble  spirit  at 
rising,  and  determined  to  fast  this  day,  thinking  I  should 
both  be  able  to  finish  my  sermon  more  easily  and  have 
besides  time  for  solemn  prayer.  Finding  myself  in 
great  distress  about  the  a£fair  of  — ,  not  knowing  at  all 
what  the  will  of  God  was,  I  used  the  27th  and  25th 
Psalms  in  prayer  with  some  relief. 

22.  (Sunday.)  During  the  whole  service  in  the 
evening,  my  mind  enjoyed  what  resembled  heavenly 
sweetness,  but  a  great  deal  of  it  was  carnal.  Saw  that 
early  rising,  self-denial,  watchfulness,  and  prayer,  are 
necessary  to  awaken  in  me  more  earnestness  in  religion. 

24.  Rose  with  very  distressing  thoughts,  but  was 
refreshed  and  strengthened  in  faith  by  prayer,  so  that 
instead  of  giving  way  to  an  improper  temper  with  my 
pupils,  I  was  able  to  be  in  a  more  serious  and  deyout 
spirit.  Read  with  attention  Rom.  v ;  and  though  I  could 
not  frdly  make  out  the  difficult  parts  of  it,  the  overflow- 
ings of  grace  exhibited  in  it  were  enlivening  to  my 
spirit.  The  blessed  sense  of  it  remained  during  my  walk, 
though  I  had  a  great  deal  of  unbelief. 

25.  My  temper  this  day  has  been  unwatchful.  At 
church,  however,  this  morning  I  guarded  against  that 
sinful  delusion  of  reading  the  prayers  carelessly,  because 
there  were  but  two  or  three  people,  and  prayed  I  think 
earnestly.  Drank  tea  with  B — ,  with  whom  my  con- 
versation was  as  usual  entirely  spiritual,  but  I  went 
away  with  reason  to  lament  how  much  farther  my 
tongue  and  head  go  in  divine  things  than  my 
heart. 

26.  Woke  in  great  pain  of  body  from  a  violent 
headache  and  great  stupidity  of  mind.     I  scarcely  knew 


112  JOURNAL.  [1804 

vvhat  to  do.  I  could  think  of  no  promise  suitable,  but 
repeated  Rom.  viii.  to  myself  without  much  affection. 
Happening  to  open  ^  Paley's  Horse  Pauline,'  where  he 
describes  the  unwearied  patience  and  invincible  fortitude 
of  St.  Paul,  I  was  revived  in  spirit.  The  whole  train 
of  apostles,  and  martyrs,  and  saints,  struggling  for 
immortality,  suddenly  passed  in  review  before  my  mind, 
and  inflamed  my  heart  with  an  ardent  desire  to  follow 
their  faith  and  patience,  and  I  prayed  accordingly. 
Read  some  of '  Serle's  Christian  Remembrancer'  on  sick- 
ness and  death,  and  sat  about  two  hours  with  great 
pain  of  head,  sometimes  sleeping,  but  with  great 
serenity  of  mind,  for  God  had  spoken  comfort  to 
my  soul,  not  by  any  particular  passage  of  Scrip- 
ture, but  by  giving  me  the  thought  that  I  was  alone 
with  him.  I  then  spoke  to  him  as  a  friend,  and  as 
all  my  salvation.  It  is  the  want  of  a  walk  of  faith,, 
an  assured  hope,  that  brings  on  such  disqiuet  at  the 
prospect  of  death.  Let  it  remind  me  to  make  my  call* 
ing  and  election  sure.     O  Eternity !  Eternity  1 

27*  Rose  restored  to  health.  Oh,  how  great  are 
His  mercies.  Was  hindered  from  morning  prayer  three 
hours,  by  pupils  coming,  during  which  time  my  spirit 
was  rather  hasty,  worldly,  and  unchristian,  for  want  of 
being  set  aright  by  prayer.  Afterwards  became  calm 
and  peaceful,  though  I  had  not  nmdi  enlai^ment  in 
prayer  from  want  of  time.  Oh,  what  a  reason  is  this 
to  assign,  when  every  moment  of  my  short  span  of  life 
and  of  the  everlasting  duration  of  my  soul  are  His.  Yet 
I  am  often  tempted  to  shorten  the  time  of  devotion,  by 
supposing  duty  caUs  me  elsewhere. 

Read  in  the  evening  a  sermon  by  Bostwick,  on  "  We 
preach  not  ourselves,  but  Christ  Jesus  the  Lord,"  every 
word  of  which  cut  deep  into  my  conscience.  I  bless 
God  for  sending  me  such  a  word  of  conviction,  but  I 
believe  I  know  little  of  Christ  In  the  choice  of  subjects 
for  sermons,  I  never  hit  upon  any  which  shall  be  directly 
upon  the  work  or  grace  of  Christ.  There  are  unsearch- 
able   riches    of   Christ,   but  I  know  little   of   them. 


[1804  JOURNAL.  113 

With  the  system  of  doctrine  I  am  acquainted,  and  find 
Christ's  work  my  only  delight ;  but  the  want  of  novelty  in 
these  subjects  has  heretofore  often  failed  of  arresting  my 
attention  to  sermons  which  contained  them,  and  there- 
fore makes  me  despair  of  gaining  the  attention  of  my 
hearers,  by  discourses  which  shall  contain  nothing  but 
those  topics.  May  Christ  in  his  mercy  teach  me  better 
things !  and  if  it  be  his  glory,  and  the  salvation  of  souls 
I  aim  at,  in  wishing  to  fix  the  attention  of  men,  he  will 
instruct  me  accordingly ;  but  if  not,  if  I  cannot  say 
anything  new,  or  in  a  new  manner,  yet  woe  is  me  if  I 
preach  not  the  gospel.  I  have  also  never  laboured  as  I 
ought,  no,  not  in  any  degree  either  in  public  or  private. 
But  now  I  commend  myself  to  God,  and  the  word  of 
his  grace,  beseeching  him  to  show  his  creature  more  of 
his  wickedness  and  ignorance,  and  so  to  reveal  Christ 
in  his  heart,  that  I  may  be  determined  upon  good 
grounds  to  know  nothing  but  Jesus  Christ,  and  him 
crucified. 

29.  (Sunday.)  At  rising  and  in  prayer,  tried,  not 
without  success,  to  be  alone  with  God,  and  to  have  my 
mind  impressed  with  the  solemn  work  of  preaching 
Christ  to  sinners.  Preached  at  Stapleford  on  Luke  xv. 
4 — 7,  and  succeeded  by  watchfulness  and  prayer  in 
maintaining  steadiness  and  humility.  In  the  afternoon 
preached  on  that  awful  subject,  Ps.  ix.  17,  and  began 
with  some  impression  of  heart,  but  was  firequently 
speaking  as  if  I  was  not  one  of  the  sinners  I  was 
addressing.  In  my  walk  back,  not  being  able  to  introduce 
any  thmg  religious,  insensibly  passed  the  whole  time  in 
talking  about  music;  for  this  my  conscience  suffered 
afterwards.  In  prayer  I  found  some  diflliculty  in  ob- 
taining right  views.  Prepared  myself  during  a  walk  in 
the  shrubbery  for  the  evening,  and  was  blessed  with 
many  ardent  thoughts,  after  an  entire  devotion  to  God, 
and  forgetftdness  of  the  world. 

30.  B —  breakfasted  with  me,  but  as  my  mind  was 
not  solemnized  by  sufiicient  prayer  beforehand,  a  na- 
tural  spirit  was   prevalent.     During  my  walk   I  was 


114  JOURNAL.  [1804 

thinking  chiefly  on  the  text,  ''  Not  as  the  offencei  so  is 
the  free  gift."  I  was  at  this  time  in  heaviness  on  ac- 
count of  Uie  business  which  oppresses  me.  I  went  home 
and  fled  to  the  throne  of  grace,  without  which  I  should 
be  swallowed  up  with  anguish  at  the  affliction  into 
which  it  has  brought  me,  from  irritation  of  mind  and 
loss  of  time.  In  great  sorrow  I  read  some  of  Isaiah.  I 
can  praise  God  for  this  exceeding  affliction,  and  b^  him 
to  give  it  its  proper  effect,  but  my  pain  arises  greatly 
from  want  of  time  for  reading  and  prayer,  as  also  from 
doubtfulness  about  the  will  of  God.  Oh  may  he  curb 
and  subdue  that  proud  and  angry  spirit  which  often,  and 
particularly  to-day,  has  risen  up  in  indignation. 

May  1 .  From  twelve  to  one  C —  sat  with  me,  to 
my  great  vexation,  as  I  had  not  a  moment  to  lose.  In 
my  walk  I  was  thinking  on  Isaiah  xxxv.  for  the  evening, 
and  was  revived  by  it,  though  not  at  peace,  as  when 
strong  faith  and  repentance  are  vouchsafed  to  me.  In 
the  evening  grew  better  by  reading  Psalm  cxix,  which 
generally  brings  me  into  a  spiritual  frame  of  mind. 

2.  Walked  out  this  morning  before  breakfast,  and 
the  beauties  of  the  opening  spring  constrained  me  to 
adoration  and  praise.  But  no  earthly  object  or  opera- 
tion can  produce  true  spirituality  of  heart.  My  present 
failing  is  m  this,  that  I  do  not  feel  the  power  of  motives. 
I  have  not  the  fear  of  God  before  my  eyes  in  any  degree 
as  I  ought,  nor  the  fear  of  danger  to  my  own  soul. 
This  night  in  prayer  I  was  enabled  to  see  my  duty,  and 
what  is  the  holy,  heavenly,  lowly  spirit  I  ought  to  main- 
tain, but  could  not  believe  it  was  a  matter  of  the  last 
importance  to  strive  afl;er  it.  Yet  I  wish  to  walk  closely 
with  Grod.  O  let  nothing  turn  away  my  thoughts  from 
incessantly  prosecuting  this  blessed  work. 

3.  Leisure  time  employed  about  my  sermon,  to  little 
purpose  till  I  walked,  when  my  thoughts  seemed  to  flow 
freely.  I  received  great  conifort  in  being  able  to  feel 
that  the  keeping  my  own  heart  was  not  only  more 
necessary  than  writing  sermons,  but  the  best  way  to 
succeed  in  them. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  115 

4.  The  prospect  of  so  much  to  be  done  before  Sun- 
day, would  have  overwhelmed  my  spirits  at  most  times, 
but  God  seems  to  have  strengthened  my  feith*  this  day. 
I  trusted  in  him,  and  was  not  confounded,  and  now 
will  I  bless  him.  *'  Thou  wilt  keep  him  in  perfect 
peace,,  whose  mind  is  stayed  on  thee."  I  took  my  paper 
and  ink  into  the  garden,  looking  up  to  God  for  assist- 
ance, and  wrote  freely  for  two  hours.  I  find  all  the 
difference  in  vnriting  out  of  doors,  with  quiet  and  pleas* 
ing  objects  before  my  eyes,  and  vrithin,  where  I  can  do 
nothing  without  closing  my  eyes  upon  the  things  before 
me.  If  I  could  be  cdways  alone  with  God,  entirely 
indifferent  about  the  opinions  of  men,  but  anxious  only 
to  deliver  my  message  from  him,  and  waiting  for  the 
fruits  of  it,  I  should  reach  a  state  to  which  I  aspire, 
but  have  not  attained. 

8.  As  soon  as  my  eyes  open  in  the  morning  upon 
this  world,  mere  earthly  thoughts  fill  my  mind  instantly. 
It  is  only  after  prayer  diat  I  can  have  my  mind  fastened 
upon  spiritual  things.  Then  my  desires  are  so  strong, 
frequently  to  guard  against  tiie  entrance  of  earthly 
thoughts,  that  I  can  use  those  words  with  truth,  Clau- 
dimini,  ocuH  mei,  claudimini.  To  maintain  a  spiritual 
frame  of  mind,  is  now  the  subject  of  all  my  petitions, 
but  all  my  endeavours  seem  to  have  as  little  effect  as  a 
few  slight  touches  to  a  man  sleeping,  who  just  half 
opens  his  eyes,  and  is  then  asleep  again.  Or  it  is  like 
pushing  an  immense  weight  up  a  hill ;  if  you  relax  your 
efforts,  the  weight  stops,  and  more  than  stops.  Mas  ! 
how  far  must  the  heart  be  departed  from  God  by  nature, 
that  it  requires  such  incessant  labour  to  keep  it  with 
him,  even  when  the  reason  approves,  and  the  will 
embraces  him.  Read  some  of  '  Flavel's  Saint  Indeed,' 
which  seemed  the  very  book  that  was  suitable  to  my 
present  views. 

9.  After  bveakfast,  my  spirits  being  a  little  refreshed, 
I  drew  near  to  God  in  prayer,  and  rejoiced  that  I 
was  in  bis  hands,  and  that  he  would  order  all  things 
for  njy  good.     During  my  walk,  I  was  led  to  think  a 

I  2 


116  JOURNAL.  [1804 

good  while  on  my  deficiency  in  human  learning,  and  on 
my  having  neglected  those  branches  which  would  have 
been  pleasing  and  honourable  in  the  acquisition.  Yet  I 
said,  though  with  somewhat  of  melancholy,  **  What 
things  were  gain  to  me  those  I  counted  loss  for 
Christ."  Though  I  become  less  esteemed  by  man,  I 
cannot  but  think,  [though  it  is  not  easy  to  do  so,]  that  it 
must  be  more  acceptable  to  God  to  labour  for  souls, 
though  the  mind  remains  uninformed ;  and  consequently, 
that  it  must  be  more  truly  great  and  noble,  than  to  be 
great  and  notable  among  men  for  learning.  In  the 
garden  afterwards,  I  rejoiced  exceedingly  at  the  pros- 
pect of  a  death  fast  approaching,  when  my  powers  of 
understanding  would  be  enlarged  inconceivably.  They 
all  talked  to  me  in  praise  of  my  sermon  on  Sunday 
night,  but  praise  is  e^^ceedingly  unpleasant  to  me,  be- 
cause I  am  slow  to  render  back  to  God  that  glory  which 
belongs  to  him  alone.  Sometimes  it  may  be  useful  in 
encouraging  me  when  I  want  encouragement,  but  that  at 
present  is  not  the  case,  and  in'truth,  praise  generally  pro- 
duces pride,  and  pride  presently  sets  me  far  from  God. 

10.  My  spirit  groans  within  me  at  the  unprofita- 
bleness of  my  time,  so  much  of  which  passes  every  day 
unsatisfactorily,  generally  through  necessity,  but  some- 
times through  my  own  carelessness.  Indeed  if  I  were 
careful  to  live  in  the  spirit  of  watchfulness  and  prayer 
at  all  times,  I  should  be  able  to  improve  the  odd  half 
hours.  From  something  I  read  in  Flavel,  I  was  con- 
vinced of  the  injury  we  do  to  ourselves,  by  coming  to 
God  without  due  meditation ;  but  this,  instead  of  induc- 
ing me  to  stir  up  my  soul  to  a  right  frame,  somehow 
made  me  less  anxious.  At  length  I  had  an  hour  to 
myself  in  my  room,  and  I  desired  to  make  it  turn  to  the 
very  best  account.  I  read  Hopkins  and  the  Greek  Testa- 
ment, and  prepared  myself  in  a  degree  to  meet  the 
Lord.  But  in  it  I  was  not  properly  engaged,  from  not 
seeing  long  time  enough  before  me.  -  My  soul  groans 
after  perfect  holiness,  though  my  flesh  is  slow  to  follow 
the  way  to  attain  it. 


1804]  JOURNAL,  117 

11.  B.  breakfasted  with  me,  but  for  want  of  suffi- 
cient morning  prayer,  I  was  not  careful  to  improve  the 
conversation.  My  time  being  Aow  so  short,  I  deter- 
mined to  give  all  the  rest  of  the  day  to  acts  of  devotion, 
without  going  into  hall  to  dinner.  So  I  retired  to  the 
garden,  and  first  read ''  Flavel's  Saint  Indeed,"  and  one  of 
the  Epistles,  and  then  endeavoured  to  order  my  thoughts. 
How  dark,  confused,  and  wandering  were  they.  I  asked 
myself  about  what  I  was  come  to  consider.  I  first 
assured  myself  upon  grounds  which  I  thought  good, 
that  I  was  building  upon  the  right  foundation,  and  then 
found  that  my  true  business  was  to  get  my  heart,  which 
has  long  been  destitute  of  dear  views  of  God,  to  become 
more  spiritual.  In  prayer  I  continued  some  time  with 
earnestness,  and  devoted  myself  to  the  service  of  my 
Lord  with  greater  solemnity. 

12.  Rose  firom  morning  prayer  with  my  soul 
breathing  after  holiness.  I  hoped  that  this  day  I  should 
keep  my  heart  with  all  dQigence — found  my  spirit  right, 
happy  in  God,  and  full  of  hope.  Read  some  of  Milncr's 
Church  History,  and  of  Flavd's  Saint  Indeed,  with  great 
blessing.  In  the  afternoon  was  at  a  party  at  — 's,  with 
a  party  of  men  very  familiar,  as  long  known,  though 
irreligious.  What  an  unprofitable  time  it  was,  and  that 
through  my  fault  partly,  and  much  do  I  fear  I  said 
many  things  in  a  way  of  wit  to  provoke  or  oflFend  one 
of  them  there.  Oh  my  soul,  this  is  a  fearful  sin.  How 
different  was  my  conduct  from  the  tender,  pitying, 
humble,  and  serious  deportment  of  a  true  child  of  God. 
Towards  night,  ray  heart  declined  in  spirituality  through 
want  of  reading  scripture  and  prayer.  But,  oh  that  I 
might  now  truly  begin  to  live  with  God,  and  to  God. 

13.  I  was  watchful  this  morning  against  earthly 
thoughts,  and  God  sent  a  blessing  to  my  spirit.  I  en- 
joyed every  thing,  and  rejoiced  that  I  should  daily  grow 
more  watchful,  with  every  thought  brought  into  cap- 
tivity to  the  obedience  of  Christ.  This  happy  and  holy 
frame  continued  during  my  morping  service,  and  during 
my  ride  to  Xolworth,  though  it  was  harder  to  preserve 


118  JOURNAL.  [1804 

it,  yet  the  taste  of  the  sweetness  of  it  made  me  strive  to 
keep  God  in  sight  by  prayer.  Preached  on  Heb.  iii. 
12.  By  altering  the  style  of  the  written  sermon,  as  I 
went  along,  it  was  delivered,  I  think,  with  plainness  and 
earnestness.  Read  the  evening  service  at  Trinity 
church  with  unusual  fervour ;  but  with  many  vain  self- 
exalting  thoughts  at  so  doing. 

16.  In  morning  prayer,  I  pleaded  again  and  again 
that  I  might  be  heedful  to  my  spirit  during  the  day ; 
that  I  might  walk  alone  with  God ;  that  I  might  pre- 
pare myself  for  the  evening,  not  with  the  detestable 
anxiety  of  approving  myself  unto  men,  but  with  the  sole 
wish  of  doing  the  will  of  God. 

16.  In  my  walk  I  was  at  first  greatly  distressed,  and 
appeared  quite  shut  out  from  the  divine  presence.  But 
soon  after  beginning  to  learn  some  of  Psalm  cxix.  and 
repeating  our  Lord's  farewell  sermon  in  St.  John,  my 
peace  returned.  Thus  the  word  of  God  is  always 
my  comfort.  In  prayer,  I  seemed  to  abjure  all  sin, 
and  the  very  approach  to  it,  from  the  bottom  of  my 
heart.  Read  the  second  epistle  to  the  Corinthians,  with 
a  special  blessing.  What  mean  dark  views  have  I  of  the 
glorious  ministrations  of  the  Spirit.  And  if  the  work 
of  the  ministry  be  so  awful,  how  can  such  a  worm  as  I 
be  faithful  in  it  without  earnest  prayer  and  help  from 
God.  If  Paul  was  such  as  we  are  in  afflictions,  dis- 
tresses (and  O  how  far  off  from  any  thing  like  this  do 
I  find  myself)  yet  I  ask  myself,  why  am  I  not  holy  and 
heavenly-minded  as  Paul  ? 

17.  Rose  early,  with  my  spirit  far  from  Grod,  but  I 
was  brought  to  a  humble,  serious  frame  by  prayer.  Let 
it  teach  me  to  be  constant  and  persevering  in  it. 

18.  The.  sciatica  prevented  me  from  sleeping  much 
in  the  night,  and  I  rose  in  exceeding  pain  of  body. 
But  I  enjoyed  blessed  peace  of  mind,  as  I  did  also  last 
night  in  prayer.  It  is  the  Lord,  I  trust,  who  kept  me 
in  perfect  peace. 

20.  (Sunday.)  Enjoyed  this  morning,  as  also  last 
night,  great  blessedness  in  prayer.     When  I  walked  in 


1804]  JOURNAL.  119 

the  garden,  the  sight  of  the  beautiful  objects  in  it  made 
God  still  appear  to  be  very  near.  In  the  afternoon 
heard  Mr.  Lloyd  preach  with  great  clearness  and  power 
on  the  internal  illumination  of  the  Holy  Spirit.  During 
the  anthem  there,  I  seemed  to  have  a  foretaste  of 
heaven,  and  could  have  wished  to  die,  or  to  live  always 
in  that  frame  in  which  I  found  myself.  Preached  at 
Trinity  this  evening  on  Eph.  iv.  30.  Went  home  after- 
wards, and  succeeded  in  keeping  down  all  self-exalting 
thoughts,  and  to  have  my  mind  not  taken  up  with  think- 
ing about  what  I  had  been  just  doing,  but  alone  with  God. 

21.  I  awoke  with  a  mind  disposed  to  pray  and 
praise,  according  to  my  prayer  of  yesterday,  but  by  not 
immediately  rising,  my  vain  heart  wandeml  from  God 
again.  O  how  do  I  waste  and  trifle  with  the  precious 
gifts  of  God;  yet  in  prayer  **  he  restored**  my  soul 
again,  and  caused  me  to  long  earnestly  for  the  continual 
walk  of  faith.  Breakfasted  with  some  friends,  when  the 
detestable  spirit  of  pride,  against  which  I  had  prayed, 
and  which  I  foresaw  would  be  working,  molested  me 
grievously.  I  considered  myself  as  somebody,  and  that 
I  must  speak  as  an  oracle  on  religion ;  however  I  said 
little  to  the  purpose.  In  the  evening  read  Daniel,  and 
should  have  had  my  soul  filled  widi  awful  thoughts, 
had  I  not  borne  in  mind  that  I  should  read  it  on 
Wednesday  night  at  the  room.  O  what  a  snare  are 
public  ministrations  to  me !  Not  that  I  wish  for  the 
praise  of  men,  but  there  is  some  fear  and  anxiety  about 
not  getting  through.  How  happy  could  I  be  in  meet- 
ing the  people  of  my  God  more  frequently,  were  it  not 
for  this  fear  of  being  improfitable.  But  since  God  has 
given  me  natural  gifU,  let  this  teach  me  that  all  I  want 
is  a  spiritual  frame,  to  improve  and  employ  them  in  the 
things  of  God. 

22.  Rose  fearful,  but  I  resolved  again  in  the  strength 
of  God  to  struggle  hard  this  day.  Wasted  a  great  deal 
of  the  morning  in  finding  out  a  text  for  the  fast-day. 
My  mind  was  beginning  to  sink  into  discontent  at  my 
unprofitableness,  but  by  reading  some  of  Psalm  cxix.  and 


120  JOURNAL.  [1804 

prayer,  I  recovered.  I  find  my  best  preservative  is  to 
ask  myself,  Is  my  present  temper,  train  of  thoughts,  &c. 
heavenly  ?  then  I  strive  to  conform  myself  to  the  frame 
I  should  have,  and  the  manner  of  speaking  I  should 
use,  if  my  heart  were  filled  with  divine  love. 

It  is  amazing  to  me  to  reflect  that  I  should  have  such 
a  desire  to  die  to  the  world,  and  to  think  of  invisible 
things,  as  I  believe  I  have,  and  yet  find  not  only  so 
much  of  sin,  but  also  so  much  of  levity  in  my  spirit. 
The  tide  of  animal  spirits  is  so  strong,  that  in  ^e  most 
sacred  employment  it  intrudes  and  terrifies  me.  Yet  in 
these  two  last  days  I  have  made  progress,  and  blessed 
be  God  for  it. 

23.  I  was  able  to  maintain  the  same  watchful  spirit 
this  morning.  At  church  my  soul  was  assaulted  grie- 
vously by  wanderings  of  the  eyes  and  heart,  but  the 
recollection  of  my  late  fellowship  with  God,  helped  to 
deliver  me  fix)m  those  temptations.  Sin  is  indeed  in- 
wrought into  my  nature;  notwithstanding  the  greater 
degree  of  care  over  my  spirit  I  have  exerted,  yet  the 
least  occasion  is  enough  to  cause  the  outbreakings  of 
corruption.  In  my  walk,  enjoyed  a  clear  and  tranquil 
frame,  and  much  of  the  presence  of  God,  though  the 
commendation  of  my  sermon  I  yesterday  received,  too 
frequently  recurred  as  a  favourite  meditation.  After 
dinner,  alas !  entirely  indisposed  to  every  duty,  but  I 
was  much  stirred  up  by  prayer  over  Rev.  lii. 

24.  Many  of  my  waking  thoughts  were  employed 
on  the  subject  of  keeping  near  to  God. 

25.  (Fast-day.)  Preached  on  Hosea  vi.  1 .  At — 's 
could  not  succeed  in  making  the  conversation  profitable, 
though  I  tried  repeatedly.  On  coming  away,  I  was  be- 
ginning to  be  cast   down   at   the   thought  of  it,  but  I 

.  appealed  to  God,  that  I  wished  to  improve  the  time  in 
company  better,  and  that  it  was  all  this  time  a  grief  to 
me,  that  the  conversation  was  not  more  suitable  to  the 
day.  Riding  home,  my  heart  was  not  fixed  or  rejoicing, 
except  once  at  the  reflection  of  having  given  up  the 
things  of  the  world,  and  having  nothing  of  any  kind  to 


1804]  JOURNAL*  121 

engage  my  thoughts  here,  but  to  become  holy,  and  be 
the  means  of  salvation  to  sinners.  I  could  bless  him 
also  for  giving  me  light  and  power  to  make  so  happy 
a  choice. 

26.  My  prayer  this  morning  for  a  meek  and  holy 
sobriety  was  answered.  O  how  sweet  is  the  dawn  of 
heaven.  Read  Juvenal  for  the  examination,  and  my 
heart  was  soon  departing  from  God,  and  leading  me  into 
dislike  of  his  service.  But  by  some  well-timed  checks 
it  returned.  Upon  the  whole,  this  has  been  the  best 
week  I  have  ever  passed,  for  faith  has  been  more  in  ex- 
ercise. Yet  I  have  little  sense  of  communiciltions  from 
God, 

27.  (Sunday.)  Rose  at  a  quarter  before  five,  and 
continued  above  an  hour  in  prayer  in  great  deadness 
till  towards  the  end,  when  I  could  have  gone  on 
with  delight  if  my  strength  had  permitted*  Walked  in 
the  garden  with  my  heart  continually  wavering,  some- 
times reposing  in  full  confidence  on  God,  at  other  times 
made  miserable  by  fears.  My  mind  seemed  fatigued  all 
this  day,  incapable  of  enjoyment,  though  it  approved 
supremely,  the  things  that  are  excellent.  At  times  I 
felt  myself  hurried  to  thoughtless  levity,  but  I  cried  to 
God  for  help.  Indeed  I  was  severely  tried  the  whole 
day  within  and  without.  Preached  at  Lol worth,  on 
Eph.  iv.  30.  but  it  seemed  to  tire  them.  Rode  home 
quite  disheartened  *  *  *  but  I  hastened  to  lift  up 
my  heart  in  prayer  for  fear  of  feeling  any  improper 
emotion.  — told  me  after  church  of  many  faults  in  read-* 
ing  and  preaching.  Though  I  felt  really  rejoiced  at  his 
kindness,  yet  the  discovery  of  any  thing  that  made  me 
contemptible  to  others,  with  the  other  proofs  of  despe-* 
rate  pride  that  I  remembered  this  day,  galled  and  grieved 
me ;  but  at  night  I  cried  very  earnestly  that  Gocl 
would  make  me  utterly  despicable,  and  do  any  thing  to 
destroy  the  accursed  sin  of  my  heart. 

28.  Oh  that  my  soul  could  maintain  but  for  one 
day  the  divine  sweetness  attending  the  exercise  of  humi- 
lity and  love!     H.    and  S.   breakfasted  with  me.     I 


122  JOURNAL.  [1804 

strove  to  keep  my  heart  and  my  tongue  as  it  were  with 
a  bridle.  My  thoughts  were  ^  miserably  wandering  in 
my  walk,  through  neglect  of  improving  the  time  of 
reading  and  prayer. 

Received  a  letter  containing  some  unpleasant  charges 
from  one  of  our  people ;  its  first  effect  was  to  drive  me 
nearer  to  God,  and  so  give  me  peace. 

29.  Mr.  K.  White  of  Nottingham  breakfasted  with 
me.  la  my  walk  was  greatly  cast  down,  except  for  a  short 
time  on  my  return,  when  as  I  was  singing  or  rather 
chanting  some  petitions  in  a  low  plaintive  voice,  I 
insensibly  found  myself  sweetly  engaged  in  prayer. 

30.  In  prayer  my  heart  was  in  my  mouth,  and 
greatly  elevated  in  spirits,  which  I  endeavoured  to 
repress.  During  the  rest  of  the  morning  I  was 
assaulted  by  strong  temptations,  but  some  few  ejacula- 
tions raised  me  above  these  sins  and  made  me  loathe 
them.  Some  evil  reports  concerning  me  have  got 
abroad,  and  no  hypothesis  whatever  will  account  for 
my.  conduct.  I  can  only  say  that  all  that  I  did  was 
from  pure  charity,  and  very  painful  to  my  own  feelings, 
and  so  God  knoweth.  May  he  defend  the  honour  of  his 
minister,  and  enable  me  still  to  speak  with  all  boldness. 

31.  In  prayer  I  was  so  clearly  enlightened  with  the 
knowledge  of  what  I  ought  to  be,  and  so  longed  to 
maintain  in  perfection  a  holy,  humble,  serious,  devout 
spirit,  that  I  thought  I  should  have  at  least  some  strong 
desires  all  the  day,  but  after  pupil  and  reading  Juvenal, 
I  was  unwilling  either  to  pray  or  read  the  Bible.  But 
through  mercy  I  was  soon  restored,  and  walked  out  in 
the  happy  enjoyment  of  God's  presence.  Called  and  found 
C — ,  so  meek  and  humble  that  I  felt  quite  happy  with 
him,  and  staid  with  him  an  hour,  opening  the  truths 
of  the  precious  Gospel  with  great  comfort  to  him,  as  I 
afterwards  learnt.  Supped  with  B — ,  in  company  with 
seven  other  clergymen,  all  conscientious.  I  wished 
much  to  say  something  to  a  good  purpose,  but  had  no 
opportunity,  yet  I  reasonably  blamed  myself  afterwards, 
for  not  striving  more,  and  for  not  having  that  spirituality 


1804]  JOURNAL.  123 

of  mind  which  might  have  found  opportunities  when 
there  were  otherwise  none.  Once  when  I  reflected  how 
godly  our  conversation  ought  to  be,  how  high  our 
adoration  and  acknowledgment  of  the  divine  presence, 
and  contrasted  it  with  our  conduct,  I  perceived  we 
were  fallen  creatures. 

June  1.  Engaged  all  day  long  in  hall.  In  the 
intervals  I  endeavom^  to  seek  after  God  with  various 
success.  In  hall  I  had  occasion  enough  to  check  the 
risings  of  a  vain  conceited  spirit. 

2.  In  hall  during  the  morning.  Walked  before 
dinner  with  B — ,  but  I  wanted  to  be  alone.  The  con- 
versation was  about  religion,  but  only  about  it.  Soon 
after  dinner  I  was  somewhat  shocked  at  considering 
how  composedly  I  could  go  on  so  long  without  prayer, 
and  not  think  of  returning  to  it.  I  went  to  nfy  room 
and  prayed  in  seriousness,  and  found  my  spirit  improved. 
Continued  at  Locke  till  half-past  eleven,  and  tlien  foimd 
myself  all  the  worse  for  this  sort  of  life,  employed 
neither  in  divine  thoughts  nor  works  of  charity.  I 
think  it  almost  impossible  I  could  ever  have  been  fiedth- 
ful  to  Christ  in  any  other  calling,  my  mind  is  so  easily 
led  away  by  the  least  earthly  study.  How  dull,  how 
slow  in  apprehending  objects  of  faith,  so  that  they 
should  have  a  living  power  upon  me  ! 

3.  At  breakfast,  from  the  circumstance  of  my  cough, 
the  conversation  turned  upon  death  and  our  preparation 
for  it.  I  felt  myself  able  to  look  forward  to  it  with 
comfort.  Preached  at  St.  Giles,  on  John  vii.  19.  in 
weakness  both  of  body  and  mind.  After  dinner  I 
prayed  with  comfort,  though  for  too  short  a  time,  and 
preached  at  the  same  church,  on  the  parable  of  the  lost 
sheep,  with  more  animation  both  of  mind  and  outward 
gesture  than  I  have  ever  manifested.  Called  upon  C — 
after  church,  and  had  some  conversation  with  him  to 
my  great  comfort.  In  private  prayer  at  night  I  drew 
near  the  Lord  and  was  particularly  affected  at  the  belief 
of  — 's  danger.  Oh  may  he  at  last  hear  my  prayers  for 
her. 


124  JOURNAL.  [1804 

4.  In  hall  during  the  morning.  The  utmost  atten- 
tion to  mental  employment  does  not  prevent  the 
intrusion  of  vain  and  sinful  thoughts  ;  why  then  should 
it  of  religious  thoughts  ?  By  many  seasonable  checks  I 
turned  away  my  thoughts  from  a  light  unholy  spirit, 
and  directed  it  to  use  the  posture  as  it  were  of  humi* 
lity  and  love.  During  my  walk  I  learnt  the  latter 
part  of  2  Tim.  and  Titus,  with  great  conviction  of  the 
awfiil  charge  of  the  ministry.  Some  men  complain  that 
the  wheels  of  their  bodily  machine  run  too  slow  for  the 
soul,  and  so  may  I  say  in  many  things  ;  but  I  may  also 
add  with  equal  truth,  that  the  whed^  of  my  body  often 
run  too  fast  for  the  soul,  so  that  often  when  the  soul  is 
longing  to  compose  itself  to  the  exercise  of  a  calm  and 
sober  temper,  the  animal  spirits  hurry  it  away  in 
clear  contradiction  to  the  will. 

5.  -  Enjoyed  considerable  peace  this  morning.  Several 
marks  of  the  contempt  of  men,  at  different  times  of  the 
day,  affected  me  but  little.  In  my  walk,  found  my  mind 
very  readily  brought  into  somewhat  of  a  temper  of  ten- 
derness and  sobriety,  though  not  a  clear  sense  of  the 
divine  presence.  At  night,  read  the  six  last  Psalms, 
with  some  suitableness  of  spirit. 

6.  .  Was  very  irregular  in  prayer  this  morning,  my 
heart  seemed  disposed  to  praise,  but  I  am  always  easily 
deceived  by  frames  of  joy.  But  I  have  through  grace, 
acquired  more  discernment,  or  at  least  have  learnt  by 
my  own  feelings  what  frame  is  not  right.  I  have  often 
had  a  great  deal  of  joy  without  peace,  it  was  not  pure  ; 
my  natural  temper  is  a  long  way  distant  from  that 
calm  sobriety  of  soul,  where  self  is  altogether  abased 
and  forgotten,  and  God  and  his  glory  are  the  only  sub- 
ject and  object  of  the  thoughts.  By  repeated  enjoyment 
of  this  blessed  temper,  I  trust  that  through  the  Spirit 
it  will  become  habitual.  White  came  in,  and  con- 
tinued with  me  at  tea,  and  in  a  walk  till  past  nine.  In 
the  interval  of  a  few  minutes  of  his  absence,  I  prayed  for 
myself,  and  particularly  for  him,  that  I  might  be  able  to 
lay  before  him,  motives  for  a  more  entire  resignation  of 


1804]  JOURNAL.  125 

himself ;  but  the  conversation  afterwards,  whether 
through  my  fault  or  not  I  cannot  say,  but  certainly 
against  my  will,  was  upon  something  else.  Read  Ezek. 
iii.  and  xxxiii.  with  awful  convictions  of  the  importance 
of  the  ministry. 

7.  Breakfested  with  —  who  said  many  strong 
things  against  my  sermons  which  pained  my  mind  not 
a  little  all  the  day.  In  a  short  walk  in  the  evening,  my 
heart  ascended  to  God,  and  I  recovered  considerable 
peace.  Passed  the  rest  of  the  evening  at  Mr.  Simeon's 
with  —  he  contrived  to  say  many  things  to  us  both  for 
our  good ;  to  me,  by  makingsome  remarks  on  a  person, 
who,  he  said,  lashed  the  subjects  of  censure  in  his  ser- 
mons with  undue  severity,  forgetting  that  he  himself 
was  equally  weak  ;  his  remarks,  he  said,  were  too  broad 
and  without  a  due  mixture  of  light  and  shade,  and 
seemed  to  manifest  a  lamentable  ignorance  of  his  own 
heart. 

8.  The  whole  of  this  morning  in  settling  the  classes ; 
it  was  a  joyful  thing  to  throw  off  inmiediately  after- 
wards all  the  earthly  thoughts  that  had  come  upon  me, 
— was  much  disturbed  this  evening  by  employing  my- 
self about  something  which  excluded  the  Bible  for  a 
time,  though  I  felt  that  I  ought  to  be*  reading  that. 
How  easy  is  it,  and  yet  how  awful,  to  grieve  the  Holy 
Spirit  of  God. 

9.  This  morning  H.  breakfasted  with  me,  and  left 
Cambridge  finally.  After  he  was  gone  I  sat  an  hour 
in  melancholy  reflection  on  the  transitory  nature  of 
earthly  things,  and  should  have  continued  longer,  had 
my  thoughts  been  fixed  steadily  on  the  subject.  In  my 
walk,  my  mind  was  wandering,  but  I  fled  instantly  to 
God,  and  prayed  for  purification  and  strength.  Supped 
at  D*s.  and  our  evening  passed  in  a  happy  spiritual  man- 
ner. D.  read  some  interesting  parts  of  Mr.  Wesley's 
Journal  among  the  Americans,  and  we  discoursed  also 
upon  the  character  of  Mr.  Fletcher.  I  felt  animated  for 
a  time  to  be  such  an  one,  and  what  was  it  but  slothfiil- 
ness,    and  unbelief,   and   self-indalgence,    that    suffer 


126  JOURNAL.  [1804 

these  desires  to  decline,  or  that  keep  me  from  attaining 
their  heights  of  holiness  ? 

10.  (Sunday.)  Felt  rather  cast  down  in  the  service, 
from  fear  that  my  manner  was  offensive  to  the  people. 
On  my  ride  to  Lolworth,  my  mind  was  rather  dark,  and 
terrified,  and  absent  from  God,  yet  I  succeeded  at  times 
in  encouraging  myself  with  the  assurance,  that  if  but 
one  word  of  scripture  suited  me,  it  was  sufficient  for  me 
to  rest  upon.  At  church,  when  the  first  psalm  was 
sung  before  the  sermon,  I  found  my  heart  rivetted  in  the 
most  enrapturing  sweetness,  while  it  silently  professed 
to  God  its  desires  of  holiness.  How  vain,  how  con- 
temptible, did  every  sensual  joy  appear  at  the  moment. 
During  my  walk  home,  from  church,  'though  it  was  but 
a  few  minutes,  my  pride  and  vanity  found  employment. 
But  though  unconscious  of  any  thing  practically  wrong 
at  the  time,  when  I  came  home  I  began  to  be  provoked 
at  myself  for  thus  destroying  my  own  happiness,  and 
grieving  the  Holy  Spirit.  Directly  after,  having  occa- 
sion to  go  across  the  court,  the  same  detestable  passions 
led  me  into  a  series  of  thoughts  which  had  continued 
for  some  time  before  I  was  aware  of  it.  These  are  sad 
proofs  of  the  desperate  wickedness  of  the  heart.  *^  Oh 
wretched  man  that  I  am,  who  shall  deliver  me  from  the 
body  of  this  death !  "  These  words  just  express  my  feel- 
ings. I  am  thankful  that  God  has  not  given  me  anyone 
talent  more  than  he  has,  for,  humanly  speaking,  they 
wouM  endanger  my  soul.  Now,  would  to  God  I  were 
quite  dead  to  the  world.  It  will  be  heaven  indeed  to 
me,  when  self  is  entirely  lost.  I  had  rather  be  a  slave 
to  another  in  a  case  where  I  could  be  purely  disinte- 
rested, than  submit  to  this  most  loathsome  vassalage  to 
my  ownself. 

11.  After  my  morning  prayer,  my  heart  enjoyed  a 
calm  and  blessed  temper,  but  it  gradually  declined  by 
my  forgetting  to  watch  over  myself  in  conversation  with 
others.  Rode  with  Mr.  Simeon  to  Shelford,  he  was 
talking  chiefly  of  my  going  to  India.  As  I  am  wanted 
in  several  placies  immediately,  he  had  no  doubt  but  I 


1804]  JOURNAL.  127 

should  go  early  in  the  spring.  The  rest  of  the  day  at 
Shelford,  my  mind  was  at  peace,  though  for  want  of 
retirement  I  enjoyed  no  sensible  communion  with  God. 
In  reading  at  night  Levit.  x.  and  Brown's  Reflections, 
I  was  deeply  affected,  and  had  many  momentary  glances 
of  holy  thoughts  and  resolutions,  but  my  mind  had  been 
so  taken  up  with  earthly  objects  this  day,  that  I  had 
no  power  to  fix  them  on  heavenly  things.  Oh,  how 
is  it  possible  that  a  sinner  liable  to  be  hurried  in 
a  moment  to  the  tribunal  of  God  could  ever  walk  so 
carelessly ! 

12.  I  was  grieved  to  find  that  all  the  exertions  of 
prayer  were  necessary  against  worldly  mindedness,  so 
soon  had  the  prospect  of  the  means  of  competent  sup* 
port  in  TnH'«  ^^^^^  my-^eart  with  mncern  about  -earthly 
happiness,  marriage,  &c.  but  I  strove  earnestly  against 
them,  and  prayed  ^r  grace  that  if  it  should  please  God  to 
try  my  faith  by  calling  me  to  a  post  of  opulence,  I  might 
not  dare  to  use  for  myself  what  is  truly  his :  as  also, 
that!  might  be  enabled  to  keep  myself  sin^e  for.serving;^ 
him  more  effectually^  Nevertheless,  this  change  in  my 
orcumstances  so  troubled  me,  that  I  could  have  been 
infinitely  better  pleased  to  have  gone  out  as  a  missionary, 
poor  as  the  Lord  and  his  apostles.  I  had  a  long  con- 
versation with  Mr.  — ,  in  which  he  seemed  at  first  to  * 
complain  rather  severely,  that  I  said  nothing  for  the 
comfort  of  ths  saints,  told  me  that  I  knew  nothing  as 
yet  of  my  own  heart,  and  many  other  things  to  the  same 
purpose,  with  proper  modesty,  but  clearly  enough  for 
me  to  perceive  his  drift.  I  left  him  rather  humbled, 
conscious  of  my  shallowness ;  my  mind  estranged  from 
divine  things  through  long  discontinuance  of  private 
prayer.  I  had  promised  to  walk  with  — ,  which  was 
perfectly  hatefid  to  me  at  this  time,  when  I  had  such 
need  of  being  alone  with  God.  I  have  declined  so  sen- 
sibly these  last  two  or  three  days,  that  I  design  to  devote 
to-morrow  to  fasting  and  prayer,  and  may  it  please  God 
to  make  it  the  means  of  quickening  me  again.  My  heart 
already  rejoices   at   the  prospect    of   ti^e   increase  of 


128  JOURNAL.  [1804 

spirituality.     Read  two  or  three  first  chapters  of  Jere- 
miah at  night,  with  some  impressions. 

13.  Before  breakfast  I  continued  about  an  hour  and 
a  half  in  a  prayer  of  humiliation.  The  rest  of  the  day 
after  chwch,  was  passed  in  reading  and  prayer,  and 
latterly  in  writing  a  sermon  for  next  Sunday.  My  heart 
was  engaged  sweetly  but  at  one  time,  and  that  was  in 
the  work  of  intercession.  Walked  out  in  the  evening 
in  great  tranquillity,  and  on  my  return  met  with  Mr. 
C — ,  with  whom  I  was  obliged  to  walk  an  hour 
longer.  He  thought  it  a  most  improper  step  for 
me  to  leave  the  University  to  preach  to  the  ignorant 
heathetf,  which  any  person  could  do,  and  that  I  ought 
rather  to  improve  the  opportunity  of  acquiring  human 
learning.  All  our  conversation  on  the  subject  of 
earning,  religion,  &c.  ended  in  nothing,  he  was  con- 
vinced he  was  right,  and  all  the  texts  of  Scripture  I  pro- 
duced, were  applicable,  according  to  him,  only  to  the 
times  of  the  apostles.  How  is  my  soul  constrained  to 
adore  the  sovereign  mercy  of  God,  who  began  his  work 
in  my  proud  heart,  and  carried  _  it  jpn  through  snares 
which  have  ruined  thousands,  namely,  human  learning 
and  honours :  and  now,  my  soul,  dost  thou  not  esteem 
all  things  but  dung  and  dross,  compared  with  the  ex- 
•  cellency  of  the  knowledge  of  Christ  Jesus  my  Lord. 
Yea,  did  not  gratitude  constrain  me,  did  not  duty  and 
j  fear  of  destruction,  yet  surely  the  excellency  of  the  ser- 
:  vice  of  Christ  would  constrain  me  to  lay  down  ten 
.)  thousand  lives  in  the  prosecution  of  it.  My  heart  was 
a  little  discomposed  this  evening  at  the  account  of  the 
late  magnificent  prizes  proposed  by  Mr.  Buchanan  and 
others,  in  the  University,  for  which  Mr.  C.  has  been 
calling  me  to  write ;  but  I  was  soon  at  rest  again.  But 
how  easily  do  I  forget  that  God  is  no  respecter  of  per- 
sons ;  that  in  the  midst  of  the  notice  I  attract  as  an 
enthusiast,  he  judges  of  me  according  to  my  inward 
state.  Oh !  my  soul,  take  no  pleasure  in  outward  re- 
ligion, nor  in  exciting  wonder,  but  in  the  true  circum- 
cision of  the  heart. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  129 

1 4 .  Called  out  directly  after  breakfast,  and  then  great 
part  of  the  morning  was  lost  about  nothing.  On  my 
return  I  was  verging  to  discontent  and  unwillingness  to 
write  a  sermon,  but  changed  to  a  most  admiring  and 
elevated  joy  at  the  thought  of  being  a  minister  of  the 
most  high  God,  called  to  proclaim  the  dignity  and  ex- 
cellence of  Jesus  Christ. 

15.  Prayed  that  the  pressure  of  ministerial  concerns 
might  not  disturb  my  mind  during  the  day. 

16.  Maintained  a  right  spirit  of  peace  and  love 
through  the  early  part  of  the  morning.  —  told  me 
of  many  contemptuous  insulting  things  that  had  been 
said  of  me,  reflecting,  some  on  my  understanding,  some 
on  my  condition,  sincerity,  inconsistent  conduct.  It 
was  a  great  trial  of  my  patience,  and  I  was  frequently 
tempted  in  the  course  of  the  evening,  to  let  my  natural 
spirit  rage  forth  in  indignation  and  revenge,  but  I 
remembered  him  of  whom  it  was  said,  *•  Who,  when  he 
was  reviled,  reviled  not  again,  but  committed  himself  to 
him  that  judgeth  righteously."  As  I  was  conscious  I 
did  not  deserve  the  censures  which  were  passed  upon 
me,  I  committed  myself  to  Grod,  and  in  him  may  I 
abide  until  the  indignation  be  overpast !  My  soul,  alas, 
needs  these  uneasinesses  in  outwani  things,  to  be  driven 
to  take  reftige  in  God. 

17.  (Sunday.)  At  church,  in  the  service  enjoyed 
much  peace.  Preached  on  1  Tim.  i.  15,  to  a  fiill  con* 
gregation.  I  hope  some  were  affected,  though,  when  I 
reflect  upon  the  indifference  of  my  heart,  I  have  need  to 
fear,  lest  no  soul  should  ever  be  given  to  me.  Drank 
tea  at  Mr.  — 's,  in  order  to  have  an  opportunity  of  ex- 
pressing my  sense  of  the  misconduct  of  — ,  staying  with 
him,  who  had  been  the  means  of  spreading  the  reports 
about  me.  After  tea  I  spoke  of  this,  though  fearful  of 
being  in  perturbation,  as  it  was  before  the  whole  family, 
but  I  put  myself  into  the  hands  of  God,  who  truly 
enabled  me  to  preserve  what  I  most  wished,  an  unsha- 
ken composure  of  mind.  I  went  away  very  thankful  to 
God,  who  had  given  me  the  means  of  satisfying  all  those 

K 


130  JOURNAL.  [1804 

who  heard  me.  Afterwards,  till  the  evening  sermon,  I  was 
thinking  far  too  much  of  this  business  and  other  earthly 
things,  but  Mr.  Simeon's  sermon  on  Jeremiah  xxxi.  8,9, 
.  restored  me  a  little,  and  made  me  desire  to  be  alone 
with  God.  In  prayer  at  night  I  seemed  to  be  awakened 
from  a  long  sleep ;  alas,  I  have  had  a  name  to  live,  and 
have  been  dead.  Not  having  stirred  up  myself  to  take 
hold  of  God,  I  have  become  unconscious  of  the  burden 
of  corruption,  and  the  consequence  is,  that  pride  has 
spread  over  my  whole  heart,  and  swallowed  up  my 
whole  spirit.  When  I  began  to  perceive  it  through 
mercy  this  evening,  and  attempted  to  be  humbled  before 
God,  I  found  it  utterly  impossible.  I  could  only  say 
before  him,  that  I  had  no  power  of  myself  to  think  a 
^ood  thought,  and  so  I  found  it  then.  Every  desire 
after  grace,  and  help,  and  strength  against  corruption, 
was  itself  fiiU  of  corruption.  One  thing  was  particularly 
offensive  to  me.  How  experimental  a  Christian,  thought 
I,  shall  I  be  in  my  sermons,  when  I  come  to  describe 
the  feelings  and  wprkings  of  my  mind  this  evening. 
Wretched,  wretched  man  that  I  am,  who  sl^alLxfeliver 
me  from  this  never-ceasing  self-complacency,  this  ac- 
cursed pride.  O  may  the  spirit  always  make  me  groan 
under  this  burden,  and  bring  to  my  first  remembrance 
in  the  morning  the  corruption  of  my  heart,  and  teach 
me  the  way  of  obtaining  suitable  humiliation. 

18.  In  my  walk,  for  the  most  part  I  was  very 
unhappy.  I  was  willing  to  take  my  heart  into  exercise, 
and  begin  a  thorough  work  of  humiliation  and  conviction, 
but  it  appeared  closed  up  on  all  sides,  every  avenue  to  it 
seemed  to  be  hid  in  darkness  and  concision.  However, 
before  I  returned  home,  I  found  peace  returning,  upon 
the  consideration,  that  my  duty  was  to  be  diligent  in 
secret  exercises,  and  God  himself  would  teach  me.  In 
the  afternoon  read  *  Tennant's  India,'  and  foresaw  that 
my  future  life  in  that  country  would  be  outwardly 
odious  to  the  last  degree.  But  in  the  face  of  every 
difficulty  I  could  truly  say,  '*  None  of  these  things  move 
me."  The  rest  of  the  evening  passed  rather  unprofitably, 


1804]  JOURNAL.  J31 

by  my  looking  at  several  chapters  for  exposition,  with- 
out settling:  yet  my  mind  seemed  to  be  blest  from 
above ;  I  passed  an  hour  in  prayer  at  one  time  with 
nmch  delight,  especially  in  the  work  of  intercession. 

19.  Rode  to  Shelford  to  dinner;  on  the  road  at 
first  I  was  fer  from  God,  but  my  heart  revived  after- 
wards, so  that  I  found  him  my  chief  joy,  and  depended 
on  him  for  making  me  walk  becomingly. 

Supped  at  B — 's  in  the  evening,  and  notwithstanding 
a  serious  prayer  beforehand,  I  was  unwatchful,  and 
too  much  conformed  to  the  world.  I  know  not  how  to 
conduct  myself  well  in  such  cases. 

21.  In  my  walk,  my  mind  was  not  at  peace.  Alas, 
my  faith  fails  every  day.  I  cannot  trust  God  for 
•  strengthening  me  and  guiding  me.  Went  in  the  after- 
noon with  some  degree  of  affection  and  zeal  to  Wall's 
Lane.  Sat  an  hour  with  two  old  women,  both  above 
fourscore,  and  talked  to  little  effect  apparently.  Had 
some  comfort  in  prayer  aft;erwards  nt  home,  and  re- 
ceived B —  in  a  serious  frame.  How  encouraging  is  it 
to  further  exertion,  that  the  Lord  sends  a  blessing  to  the 
least  degree  of  diligence.  At  church  Mr,  Simeon 
preached  on  John  iv.  3«L  **  My  meat  is  to  do  the  will 
of  him  that  sent  me,  and  to  finish  his  work."  The 
text  struck  me  exceedingly,  and  so  did  his  first  division, 
which  showed  our  Lord's  fervent  affection,  unwearied 
diligence,  and  undaunted  resolution  in  doing  his  work. 
My  soul  was  stirred  up  within  me  to  follow  his  steps, 
and  to  devote  myself  thus  entirely  to  his  service,  as  I 
did  not  believe  I  had  ever  truly  done.  I  almost  trembled 
Jo  promise  or  vow  before  God,  that  I  would  be  his  for 
ever,  yet  I  gave  up  myself  in  prayer  to  be  his  servant, 
and  the  follower  of  Jesus  Christ.  My  desires  are  at 
present  very  strong  for  a  conformity  to  Christ,  not  so 
much  from  a  sense  of  the  beauty  of  holiness,  as  from 
the  hope  of  glory  and  esteem  of  the  superlative  excel- 
lency of  such  a  life.  Yet  my  heart  sinks  within  me  at 
the  prospect  of  the  terrible  opposition  I  shall  have  to 
encounter  from  the  world,  from  the  flesh,  and  from  the 

K  2 


132  JOURNAL.  [1804 

Devil ;  from  the  two  former  especially.  Oh  God,  do 
thou  strengthen  me,  that  my  faith  fail  not,  that  I  may 
not  he  disco  waged  till  I  have  said,  ''  It  is  finished/' 

22.  Retained  all  this  day  the  impression  of  yesterday, 
and  considered  myself  as  bound  by  promise  and  by  the  con- 
victions of  yesterday,  to  be  as  one  wholly  devoted  to  God. 

Passed  the  rest  of  the  morning  chiefly  in  the  summer 
house,  hoping  by  meditation  and  prayer  to  have  my 
mind  made  spiritual,  and  prepared  for  usefulness  in  the 
ministry,  but  gained  little  access  to  God  from  being 
much  under  the  influence  of  a  self-dependent  spirit.  Yet 
I  continued  in  supplication,  in  the  assurance  that  in  his 
good  time  I  shoiQd  find  a  blessing.  Rode  in  the  after- 
noon to  Boxworth,  and  on  the  road  was  rather  about  to 
be  with  Grod  than  with  him. 

23.  A  little  before  prayer  at  noon  I  was  trifling,  and 
in  the  exercise  found  myself  praying  in  unbelief,  with  no 
sense  of  God's  majesty,  nor  any  awful  sense  of  ofi^ending 
him.  In  some  al^irm  I  cried  for  help  and  mercy,  and  in 
great  pain  and  difficulty  stirred  up  my  heart  to  make  a 
few  petitions  iii  earnest.  One  section  of  Psalm  cxix, 
I  found  very  suitable.  I  was  grieved  at  my  waste  of 
time,  and  want  of  communion  with  God,  and  general 
unprofitableness ;  but  found  a  humbling  effect  produced 
by  the  inquiry  into  my  own  mind.  Teach  me,  O  Lord, 
the  way  of  thy  statutes,  and  I  shall  keep  it  imto  the  end. 
May  I  walk  humbly  through  life,  the  faithful  servant 
and  minister  of  Christ. 

24.  I  was  rather  watchful  during  the  morning, 
and  at  times  during  the  service,  had  a  joyful  sense 
of  the  divine  presence  ;  but  as  it  was^  chiefly  during  Jbe 
hymns,  I  think  these  affections  suspicious.  Let  me 
feel  the  same  sweet  heart-burning  emotions  in'the  mi|}st 
of  a  desert,  and  I  shall  then  attribute  them  to  the  Spirit. 
Several  marks  of  love  and  esteem  shown  me  by  persons 
I  respect,  raised  my  animal  spirits  to  a  great  height, 
while  in  the  mean  time  my  heart  was  proportionably 
grieved.  Oh  how  far  preferable  is  one  taste  of  the 
sweet  frame  of  love  to  all  this  crackling  of  thorns  under 


1804]  JOURNAL.  133 

a  pot.  I  desire  something  of  which  I  have  but  a  distant 
glimmering,  often  disapproving  of  a  life  of  true  piety : 
when  shall  I  live  forgetful  of  the  world,  with  all  my 
thoughts,  motives,  pleasures,  &c.  centering  in  God  ? 

25.  Was  still  anxious  after  deadness  to  the  world, 
and  love  to  God,  both  for  the  sake  of  my  own  comfort, 
and  that  I  might  be  better  qualified  to  go  through  the 
service.  So  many  base  and  bye  ends  are  there  even  in 
my  desires  after  holiness.  Went  to  —  to  tea,  where  I 
hoped  to  be  as  one  belonging  to  another  world,  but 
self-seeking  and  pride  showed  too  plainly  that  I  be- 
longed to  this.  Took  the  last  chapter  of  Daniel,  and 
had  too  great  freedom  of  speech  for  my  seriousness 
and  peace.  I  not  only  was  vain,  but  what  is  more, 
I  think  that  I  showed  my  vanity.  Wandered  into 
the  walks  in  great  dejection,  when  I  met  with  that 
man  of  God,  Mr.  Lloyd.  He  presently  began  on  the 
subject  of  pride,  and  other  evils,  indwelling  in  our 
corrupted  hearts,  on  all  which  I  could  talk  justly 
from  experience,  and  was  of  course  pleased  with  my 
own  penetration,  and  with  being  able  to  converse  with 
so  confirmed  a  Christian ;  but  knowing  is  nothing ;  ^'  to 
will  is  present  with  me,  but  how  to  perform  that  which 
is  good  I  find  not."  I  know  how,  but  I  find  not.  Let 
me  but  ply  heart-work  in  secret,  let  me  but  walk  alone 
in  communion  with  God,  and  I  shall  surdy  be  able  to 
offer  him  sacrifices  more  pure,  though  from  the  experi- 
ence of  others  I  am  taught  to  expect  never  to  be  able  to 
escape  from  corruption,  till  I  leave  the  body;  my  only 
fear  is,  lest  I  should  rest  satisfied  with  having  discovered 
my  own  corruption,  without  labouring  to  overcome  it. 
But  God  who  has  sent  me  light  to  see  these  things,  will 
4]uicken  the  paralyzed  powers  of  my  soul,  and  help  me 
to  throw  off  the  poison  of  my  heart. 

26.  Heard  enough  of  the  business  of  —  to  make  me 
sick  of  the  world.  Oh,  what  a  relief  it  is  to  my  bur- 
dened soul,  to  depart  in  spirit  from  this  scene  of  vanity 
and  error,  to  repose  with  God.  Rose  extremely  care- 
less of  my  thoughts,  but  in  prayer  had  the  same  desireiS 


134  JOURNAL.  [1804 

as  for  the  last  three  or  four  days.  In  my  walk  enjoyed 
great  peacefulness.  I  am  far  more  satisfied  than  I  ever 
was,  now  that  I  see  the  corruption  of  my  heart  more, 
and  the  provision  made  for  its  renovation  by  the  Spirit, 
in  the  great  plan  of  Christ's  redemption.  "The  law  of 
the  spirit  of  life  in  Christ  Jesus,  hath  made  me  free,"  &c. 
and  the  whole  of  the  first  part  of  Rom.  viii.  appeared  to 
me  to  refer  to  sanctification.  After  dinner  was  at 
H — 's  with  a  party,  but  repented  afterwards,  as  it  was 
time  lost,  no  opportunity  offering  to  speak  for  their 
good.  Went  to  the  hospital,  and  read  John  iv,  and  at 
seven  to  the  society  of  young  men,  and  expounded  the 
same  chapter  as  last  night,  but  with  great  dulness  I 
suppose,  for  one  of  them  was  set  fast  asleep.  This 
little  event  had  a  blessed  effect  on  my  spirit  in  prayer, 
as  my  heart  was  humbled  by  it.  *  *  Any 

little  marks  of  the  contempt  of  men  are  the  most  whole- 
some diet  I  can  use.  The  praises  of  men  do  not  puff 
me  up  proportionably,  because  I  am  used  to  them.;  but 
to  be  despised  of  men  is  not  a  customary  thing  with  me, 
and  affects  me  very. deeply.  My  pride  is  sensibly 
wounded,  and  I  think  less  of  myself.  What  may  be  the 
design  of  God  in  thus  lowering  me  in  the  opinion  of 
those  who  hear  me,  and  so  apparently  diminishing 
my  usefulness  in  the  ministry,  I  am  at  a  loss  to  con- 
ceive. Perhaps  he  is  teaching  me  the  horrible  nature  of 
the  least  sin,  or  is  weaning  my  heart  from  finding  my 
comfort  in  any  thing  but  him,  since  even  his  own  people 
are  turned  against  me ;  or  is  preparing  my  faith  for 
future  trials,  or  is  teaching  me  prudence,  that  I  may 
learn  by  bitter  experience,  how  to  behave  myself  in  the 
Church  of  God ;  or  perhaps  all  these.  If  it  be  for  sin, 
my  heart  shall  acknowledge  that  it  is  a  slight  chastise- 
ment compared  with  the  just  punishment  of  it.  If  it 
be  to  teach  me  better  things  I  will  bless  the  Lord.  But 
enough  of  worldly  things.  **  O  that  I  had  wings  like  a 
dove  !  for  then  would  I  flee  away  and  be  at  rest.  La 
then  would  I  wander  far  off,  and  remain  in  the  wilder- 
ness.    I  would  hasten  my  escape  from  the  windy  storm 


1804]  JOURNAL.  135 

and  tempest."  Thus  my  imagiaation  takes  to  itself 
wingSy  and  flies  to  some  wilderness  where  I  may  hold 
converse  in  solitude  with  God.  *  The  world  forgetting 
hy  the  world  forgot.'  Read  and  prayed  with  my  bed* 
maker  at  night. 

27.  Was  interrupted  and  distracted  in  prayer  this 
morning.  A  funeral  and  calls  of  friends  took  up  my 
time  till  eleven,  afterwards  read  Persian,  and  made  some 
calculations  in  Trigonometry,  in  order  to  be  familiar 
with  the  use  of  Logarithms.  But  my  mind  by  giddy 
levity  with  a  friend  was  grieved  and  injured.  Yet  it 
pleased  the  Lord  to  restore  me,  and  lead  me  in  the  paths 
of  righteousness  for  his  name's  sake.  Dined  at  Mr. 
Simeon's,  and  then  I  went  to  the  hospital,  and  in  going 
remembered  how  frequently  my  treacherous  heart  had 
been  wandering  after  vanity.  I  went  afterwards  with  a 
party  to  an  inspection  of  soldiers,  but  soon  retired 
really  grieved  that  my  poor  fellow-creatures,  who  were 
there  in  such  numbers,  sought  their  happiness  in  such 
miserable  vanities.  O  how  do  they  contrive  to  live 
without  God.  I  retired  into  the  fields  to  regain  reflec- 
tion, and  could  say  I  came  not  hither  by  constraint  but 
choice.  O  what  would  have  been  the  misery  of  my 
mind  by  this  time  had  I  not  known  God  1  Even  in 
much  earlier  youth,  when  far  more  was  to  be  expected 
from  the  world,  I  looked  round  in  distress,  saying.  Who 
will  show  me  any  good  ?  I  should  now  probably  have 
been  living  in  the  full  indulgence  of  carnal  lusts,  and  be 
labouring  after  the  largest  possible  acquisition  of  human 
glory  either  in  military  life,  though  my  frame  be  feeble, 
or  by  learning.  Consequently  I  should  now  be  tortured 
by  remorse  and  guilt,  and  my  temper  would  be  bitter  to 
furiousness  by  disappointment  and  envy.  As  I  have 
this  day  been  constrained  to  adore  the  mercy  of  God 
who  hath  saved  me  from  recent  snares,  so  will  I  now 
praise  him  for  having  turned  me  from  a  life  of  woe  to 
the  enjoyment  of  peace  and  hope.  The  work  is  real. 
I  can  no  more  doubt  it  than  I  can  my  own  existence. 
The  whole  current  of  my  desires  is  altered,  I  am  walking 


136  JOURNAL.  [1804 

quite  another  way,  though  I  am  incessantly  stumbling 
in  that  way,  yet  the  lusts  of  the  flesh,  the  lusts  of  the 
eyes,  and  the  pride  of  life,  engage  more  of  my  thoughts 
than  I  should  conceive  possible  in  one  who  really  finds 
happiness  only  in  that  proportion  as  he  sees  himself  a 
stranger  and  a  pilgrim  on  the  earth. 

28.  Was  interrupted  in  prayer  this  morning  in 
consequence  of  rising  late.  Read  at  the  hospital  after 
dinner,  1  Pet.  iv.  and  was  about  a  sermon  till  church 
time,  many  of  my  dear  brethren  in  the  ministry  were 
there.  During  service  I  felt  great  fear  at  times,  though 
I  said  to  myself,  what  means  this  anxiety  ?  Am  I  not 
ashamed  to  speak  in  the  presence  of  Jehovah,  and  shall 
I  be  confounded  before  a  few  poor  mortals  ?  In  the 
pulpit  I  was  free  fvom  all  fear,  and  delivered  my  sermon 
on  the  blessed  subject,  1  Tim.  i.  15.  with  animation  and 
ease,  and  with  more  inward  delight  than  I  ever  before 
felt  in  the  pulpit.  But  there  was  a  great  deal  of  pride 
and  vanity  in  my  heart  all  the  rest  of  the  evening. 
After  supper  called  and  spoke  to  poor  S —  for  some 
time,  but  in  vain. 

29.  Alas !  my  soul  is  becoming  dead  again,  though 
it  hath  a  name  to  live  ;  so  short,  so  distant  am  I  in 
prayer.  In  the  morning  I  thought  I  had  obtained  the 
possession  of  a  heavenly  temper,  but  very  soon  an  occa- 
sion, the  slightest  possible,  shewed  me  that  I  was  proud, 
impatient,  and  peevish.  The  morning  was  taken  up  by 
walking  with  others,  by  which  I  was  left  empty  and 
unhappy.  At  dinner  I  lifted  up  my  heart  with  some 
success,  and  in  prayer  in  my  rooms  afterwards.  Went 
to  the  hospital  with  a  good  look  out  after  my  own 
heart,  lest  it  should  rove  in  pursuit  of  earthly  concerns. 
Read  to  them  Isaiah  Iv.  and  conversed  afterwards  with 
them  in  their  respective  wards.  D —  continued  with 
me  all  the  evening,  so  that  not  a  single  thing  has  been 
done  this  day  in  private.  Read  at  night  the  three  first 
chapters  of  the  Revelations,  and  found  them  as  usual 
very  soarching  and  awful.     Prayed  at  night  with  fervor. 

30.  Some  friends  breakfasted  with  me  this  morning. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  137 

and  I  hoped  by  my  prayer  beforehand  that  I  should  have 
been  able  in  my  conversation  to  stir  them  up,  but  I 
failed,  partly  through  their  fault,  but  chiefly  through  my 
own.     How  little  heavenly-mindedness  is  ihere  amongst 

us ! teased  and  troubled  my  mind,  but  I   fdt 

confidence  in  the  evidence  of  God.  After  dinner  found 
my  mind  serious  and  earnest  over  1  Thess.  Read  in  the 
hospital  Matt.  vii.  I  rode  to  Lolworth  and  sought  to 
be  cheerful,  sometimes  from  the  prospect  of  going  home, 
sometimes  from  the  consideration  of  all  the  subjects  of 
hope.  But  finding  these  unable  to  cheer  me,  I  inquired 
what  was  my  real  good  ?  the  answer  I  ought  to  make  is 
'  the  enjoyment  of  God,'  but  not  being  able  to  conceive 
this  at  the  time,  I  rather  supposed  that  the  perfection 
of  our  natures  in  holiness  was  the  chief  blessing. 
Remembering  the  blessed  peace  I  had  often  enjoyed  in 
humiliation  and  love,  my  mind  brightened  again  with 
these  holy  tempers,  and  foresaw  fulness  of  bliss  in  the 
blessed  exercise  of  them  among  the  creatures  of  God  to 
all  eternity.  Found  the  poor  man  at  Lolworth  near 
death.  I  continued  two  hours  without  affecting  him. 
When  I  asked  him  if  I  should  pray  with  him,  ^  If  I 
liked  it,'  he  said.  I  then  inquired  why  he  was  not  ear- 
nest that  I  should.  He  said  he  did  not  know  that  it 
would  do  him  much  good.  I  expostulated  with  him, 
and  went  to  prayer,  after  which  he  seemed  melted.  I  rode 
home  in  somewhat  of  peace,  though  pride  was  at  work. 
July  1.  (Sunday.)  Walked  a  little  before  morning 
prayer,  and  found  by  my  wanderings  and  discontent  in 
how  great  a  degree  prayer  had  effected  that  sweet  enjoy- 
ment of  divine  things  I  have  often  felt  in  passing  through 
the  walks  just  after  its  exercise.  But  afterwards  I  had  a 
most  blessed  view  of  God  and  divine  things.  O  how  great 
is  his  excellency  1  I  found  my  heart  at  times  pained  for 
want  of  words  to  praise  him  according  to  his  excellent 
greatness.  Looking  forward  to  complete  conformity 
to  him  as  my  great  end  of  existence,  my  assurance  was 
full.  I  said  almost  with  tears,  ''  who  shall  separate  me 
from  the  love  of  Christ  ?  Shall  tribulations,"  &c.     HIS 


138  JOURNAL.  [1804 

power  being  supreme  delivered  me  from  every  fear. 
At  church  enjoyed  some  deadness  to  the  world,  but  at 
the  receiving  of  the  sacrament  my  heart  was  hard  and 
insensible.  I  knew  not  what  to  do.  I  seemed  to  have 
a  heart  of  adamant,  and  full  of  pride  and  earthly 
thoughts.  #  «  *  *  « 

*  *  *  *  *  Heard  Dr. 

P—  preach  for  two  hours ;  hi^  profusion  of  Greek  and 
Latin  quotations  excited  my  mirth,  when  his  unprofit- 
ableness ought  to  have  raised  very  different  emotions  in 
me.  After  church  at  night  walked  in  the  Fellows' 
garden  with*  four  friends ;  our  conversation  was  tolerably 
spiritual,  but  my  heart  was  swelling  fast  with  pride  and 
love  of  the  world,  and  fear  of  losing  the  opinion  of 
those  who  love  and  honour  me.  But  I  know  my 
refuge.  God  is  able  to  humble  me,  and  to  make  me 
die  to  every  thing  but  himself.  In  prayer  at  night  God 
either  shewed  me  myself  or  else  Satan  tempted  me  to 
his  own  sin,  but  my  soul  was  filled  with  greater  misery 
and  horror  than  I  ever  yet  experienced.  I  know  not 
how  to  describe  my  feelings,  nor  how  I  got  into  them, 
but  it  was  after  metaphysical  inquiries  into  the  nature 
and  end  of  my  being,  and  in  what  consists  the  happi- 
ness of  the  soul.  My  thoughts  were  those  of  cool 
deliberate  pride ;  there  was  no  sudden  repugnance  to 
the  divine  will  through  the  love  of  the  flesh,  but  a  sort 
of  calm  rejection  of  the  authority  of  God,  and  of  the 
necessity  of  humiliation  before  him.  In  the  utmost 
agony  of  soul  I  sometimes  hurried  to  the  thoughts  of 
my  being  a  creature,  sometimes  to  my  having  been 
saved  through  mercy  from  hell.  I  was  afraid  to  leave 
off  praying  in  this  frame,  lest  I  should  sink  down  to 
dwell  with  the  devil  and  his  angels,  whose  spirit  of 
rebellion  I' seemed  precisely  to  have  obtained.  Went 
to  bed  commending  my  soul  earnestly  to  Christ,  and 
trusting  that  by  to-morrow  these  distressing  thoughts 
would  have  passed  away. 

2.     But  they  returned   to  fill  my  soul  with  anguish  ; 
after  an    hour    spent   in   prayer   the  Lord   mercifully 


1804]  JOURNAL.  139 

as^ated  me,  and  the  sense  of  my  danger  and  bias* 
phemous  impiety  melted  me  into  tears.  I  now  hoped 
that  in  answer  to  my  prayers,  I  should  now  and  ever 
take  my  place  among  the  most  worthless  of  the  crea- 
tures of  God»  and  fed  among  my  brethren,  as  one  who 
was  not  wordiy  to  be  trodden  under  foot :  but  through 
the  day,  was  unhappy  from  the  real  actings  of  un«- 
belief.  I  was  afraid,  ot  suspected  that  the  same 
atheistical  thoughts  were  still  in  my  head,  and  I 
dreaded  to  examine  it;  and  I  thought  also  that  God's 
anger  was  kindled,  and  he  was  departing  from  me.  On 
my  return  from  my  walk,  read,  some  of  the  Old  Testament 
with  the  hope  of  seeing  my  own  insignificance,  and 
God's  greatness  and  power :  then  prayed  and  put  up  some 
strong  cries  for  help  and  faith,  in  which  I  was  greatly 
encouraged  by  considering  that  there  was  no  one  else 
who  would  or  could  do  me  any  good,  but  God,  with 
whom  I  was  alone.  At  King's  chapel,  my  heart 
ascended  in  &ith  to  God  my  Saviour,  and  I  was  in- 
clined to  have  my  heart  drawn  out  in  tenderness  and 
love  towards  Grod  and  man.  I  confess  that  I  know  not 
the  end  of  my  being,  nor  wherein  consists  the  happi- 
ness  of  the  soul,  and  I  tremble  to  inquire,  lest  my.  be- 
clouded reason,  &c.     (Vide  Memoir.)     rj     "  ' 

3.  My  thoughts  this  morning  were  rather  of  a  dif- 
ferent kind,  lest  I  should  be  carried  away  by  the  vanities 
of  a  public  day.  In  the  senate  house,  where  I  was  ere-* 
ated  M.  A.  I  was  not  in  general  forgetful  of  my  soul, 
though  I  caught  myself  repeatedly  in  trains  of  vain 
thoughts ;  was  empty  and  tired  for  want  of  being  alone ; 
attended  a  society  where  Mr.  Simeon  lectured  on  the  * 
worda,  '  a  plant  of  renown ; '  towards  the  last,  I  found 
some  returning  admiration  and  afiPection  for  the  Lord 
Jesus  Christ,  but  the  momentary  sunshine  was  overcast 
materially  by  clouds  of  unbelief.  The  dreadful  pride  of 
my  heart,  as  it  was  discovered  to  me  on  Sunday  night, 
has  made  me  almost  desperate.  I  know  not  what  to 
do.  I  am  afraid  of  never  coming  to  God  or  Christ  with 
the  humility  of  a  creature.     The  only  thing  that  revives 


140  JOURNAL.  [1804 

my  hearty  is  the  thought  of  the  possibility  of  becoming 
the  meanest  creature  of  God  serving  him  :  and  I  de- 
clare,  that  were  all  the  glory  my  imagination  could  in- 
vent offered  to  me,  with  my  present  proud  heart,  I 
would  not,  I  could  not  take  it;  nay,  on  the  contrary, 
so  miserable  would  it  make  me,  by  increasing  my  pride 
and  rebellion  against  God,  that  rather  than  have  it,  I 
would  prefer  being  blotted  out  of  existence  for  ever. 
And  this  I  say,  not  from  any  deep  conviction  of  the  pro- 
priety of  such  submission,  but  only  frt)m  feeling  what  is 
my  real  happiness.  And  now  I  Uiink  I  have  stated  my 
case.  #  ♦  *  #  * 

*  *  It  is  all  in  vain  that  I  remember 

myself  to  be  created  out  of  the  dust,  that  I  know 
nothing  of  natural  things,  that  I  can  neither  do,  say,  or 
think  any  thing,  except  by  his  permission.  Yet  all  are 
in  vain  to  bring  me  down.  I  pray  as  usual,  yet  cursed 
unbelief  and  pride  send  me  away  without  a  blessing. 
Nevertheless,  now  for  the  shield  of  faith  to  quench  these 
fiery  darts  of  the  devil.  At  present  my  desires  after 
humiliation  are  intensely  strong  ;  I  do  not  know  why  ; 
but  if  this  Satanic  spirit  remain,  the  cloud  may  spread 
over  these  desires  also,  and  then  all  is  over.  I  there- 
fore commend  my  soul  to  Christ ;  with  great  difficulty, 
forcing  my  way  through  the  crowd  of  opposing,  enemies 
within,  and  I  think  also  Satan  without :  it  is  the  pecu- 
liar dreadfulness  of  these  thoughts  that  they  dishonour 
the  Saviour,  and  deny  his  authority,  and  tear  me 
away  from  my  best  and  only  friend.  Yet  they  shall 
not,  if  Christ  give  me  grace  to  stand  firm.  Be  strong, 
my  soul,  why  art  thou  afraid  ?  This  is  the  very  time 
to  shew  the  strength  of  faith.  I  will  even,  against 
hope,  believe  in  hope. 

4.  To-day  I  would  hope  that  the  Lord  hath  heard 
my  prayer,  in  delivering  me  from  spiritual  pride,  for  I 
have  had  no  returns  of  it  in  the  same  distracting  degree. 
Walked  to  Shelford,  where  the  time  passed  not  without 
religious  conversation,  but  my  mind  was  carnal  for  want 
of  reading  and  prayer. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  141 

5.  Walked,  with  my  mind  in  peace.  In  the  after-» 
noon  I  was  employed  in  making  calls,  &c.  By  much  con- 
verse with  men,  even  on  religious  subjects,  my  thoughts 
are  not  refreshed  from  heaven.  Last  night  in*prayer, 
in  recollection  of  my  unprofitableness  and  waste  of  time, 
I  found  my  soul  drawn  out  in  strong  desires  to  live 
a  life  of  entire  devotedness  and  prayer;  yet  here  is 
another  day  spent  in  like  manner,  nothing  done,  and  my 
thoughts  scattered.  How  I  long  to  biiry  myself  in  the 
country- 

6.  Had  my  heart  considerably  affected  in  prayer  this 
morning,  and  wrote  a  sermon  with  some  diligence,  as  in 
the  sense  of  divine  presence.  At  noon  found  peace  in  my 
soul  from  I  John  iii.  and  iv.  and  in  walking,  though  hu- 
man feelings  often  intruded.  After  dinner,  drew  nigh  the 
Lord  in  prayer,  and  wrote  part  of  a  sermon.  The  sudden 
appearance  of  evil  thoughts  made  me  very  unhappy,  but 
I  found  refuge  in  God.  O  may  the  Lord  receive  my 
i?7andering  heart,  though  it  is  continually  backsliding 
drom  him,  and  make  me  to  find  in  himself,  the  source 
and  centre  of  beauty,  a  sweet  and  satisfied  delight.  O 
what  sublime,  what  rapturous  views  of  God  and  divine 
things  might  I  enjoy  with  a  litde  more  watchfulness. 
For  a  moment  my  mind  seems  about  to  be  filled,  and 
all  its  faculties  absorbed,  but  the  spirit  passes  on  and  I 
am  lost  in  dulness. 

7-  Extremely  dull  and  cold  in  prayer,  through 
wandering  of  thought  before,  and  interruption  in  it,  as 
also  very  principally  for  want  of  scripture  reading  and 
meditation.  Yet  through  humiliation  on  account  of  it, 
^  I  passed  the  rest  of  the  morning  in  the  sense  of  God's 
presence,  and  with  tolerable  diligence.  After  supper, 
preparing  for  my  departure.  Read  Acts  xx.  O  that  I 
may  be,  as  I  desire  to  be,  dead  to  the  world,  and  have 
my  thoughts  taken  up  with  Christ  and  his  service.  How 
repeatedly  has  this  blessed  chapter  made  me  feel  the 
vanity  of  the  world. 

8.  (Sunday.)  Rose  at  an  early  hour,  but  had  little 
power  in  prayer.     I  was  watchful  against  wandering, 


142  JOURKAL.  [1804 

but  my  heart  was  not  engaged.  Rode  home  from  Lol- 
worth  in  a  great  storm  of  rain.  I  had  grand  views  of 
God,  and  felt  no  doubt  but  that  I  should  be  received, 
were  I  to  be  taken  from  this  world ;  but  I  felt  that  my 
only  hope  was  in  Christ,  for  not  one  thought,  word,  or 
work  of  mine,  was  without  sin.  In  the  evening  service, 
I  enjoyed  great  delight  in  Grod  at  times,  and  a  desire  to 
be  his.  The  most  satisfying  feeling  at  those  times  is  the 
worthiness  of  God  and  Christ. 

9.  Set  out  on  my  journey  in  greater  recollection  of 
mind  than  ever  heretofore  ;  on  the  road  the  contempla- 
tion  of  myself  shewed  me  the  workings  of  vanity. 
Called  on  Mr.  Grant,  who  told  me  that  in  case  M- 
should  accept  the  Missionary  Church,  there  was  no 
immediate  opening  for  me,  but  he  had  little  doubt  there 
would  be  a  chaplainship  vacant  before  the  dose  of  the 
next  spring  season.  The  dejection  in  which  Mr. 
Grant's  answer  left  me,  drew  me  nearer  to  God  in 
prayer.  My  determination  to  go  out,  with  God's  ilirec* 
tion,  did  not  seem  at  all  shaken  by  the  difficulties  I 
foresaw. 

July  10.  Breakfasted  with  S — ,  whose  account  of 
his  approaching  marriage  with  a  lady  of  uncommon 
excellence,  rather  excited  in  me  a  desire  after  a  similar 
state — ^but  I  strove  against  it. 

Dined  with  Mr.  Wilberforce  at  Palace  Yard.  It  was 
very  agreeable,  as  there  was  no  one  else.  Speaking  of 
the  slave  trade,  I  mentioned  the  words,  *'  Shall  I  not 
visit  for  these  things,"  and  found  my  heart  so  aflFected 
that  I  could  with  difficulty  refrain  from  tears.  Went 
with  Mr.  W.  to  the  House  of  Commons,  where  I  was 
surprised  and  charmed  with  Mr.  Pitt's  eloquence.  Ah, 
thought  I,  if  these  powers  of  oratory  were  now  employed 
in  recommending  the  Gospel — but  as  it  is,  he  talks  with 
great  seriousness  and  energy  about  that  which  is  of  no 
consequence  at  all.  At  night  met  with  — ,  who  had 
just  received  a  Lieutenant's  commission  in  the  navy  ;  he 
was  in  company  with  some  other  officers,  and  used  the 
name  of  God  in  profane  swearing.     As  he  was  relating 


1804]  JOURNAL.  143 

an  account  I  could  not  interrupt  him  to  make  my 
remarks,  and  I  gave  him  no  reprimand,  except  slightly 
towards  the  last,  in  consequence  of  which,  at  night,  I 
found  my  conscience  exceedingly  grieved,  and  saw  myself 
vile,  as  one  who  had  denied  Christ  before  men. 

1 1 .  Left  London  for  Bath.  I  was  on  the  top  of  the 
coach,  and  the  wind  blew  exceedingly  cold,  so  that  for 
the  first  fifty  miles,  I  was  in  great  pain  from  the  cold. 
I  was  unable  to  turn  away  my  mind  from  the  complaints 
of  the  body,  but  continued  peevish  and  discontented, 
except  at  one  or  two  intervals,  when  I  forced  my 
thoughts  away.  Alas !  these  are  the  very  occasions* 
when  I  should  exercise  myself,  in  living  by  faith*  I 
was  then  most  dreadfully  assailed  by  evil  thoughts,  but 
at  the  very  height,  prayer  availed,  and  I  was  delivered, 
and  during  the  rest  of  the  journey,  enjoyed  great  peace, 
and  a  strong  desire  to  live  for  Christ  alone,  forsaking 
the  pleasures  of  the  world,  marriage,  &c.  There  were 
on  the  coach,  a  purser  of  a  man-of-war,  and  a  gentle- 
man's servant,  to  whom  I  found  an  opportunity  of 
reading  Luke  xi. 

12 — 19.  Had  no  opportunity  of  getting  at  my 
journal-book.  On  the  morning  of  the  12th  left  Bath 
for  Exeter,  and  on  13th  arrived  at  Plymouth.  Conti- 
nued 14th  and  15th  with  my  dear  cousin  T.  H.  On 
the  16th  reached  Truro,  and  went  immediately  to 
Lamorran.  18th  walked  to  Truro,  found  some  oppor- 
tunity of  speaking  to  a  poor  young  woman,  who  had 
given  up  a  profession  of  religion.  19th  sat  in  a  wood 
for  two  hours,  thinking  on  Isaiah  Iv.  1 — 3.  on  which  I 
meant  to  preach.  In  the  house  afterwards,  and  in 
prayer,  in  which  I  engaged  with  a  great  conviction  of 
my  having  back-slidden,  I  found  my  soul  filled  with  se- 
riousness and  solemnity  before  God. 

20.  I  found  myself  unable  to  introduce  any  con- 
versation, as  my  heart  was  not  close  to  God,  nor 
touched  with  love  to  God.  Walked  to  Lamorran,  and 
at  times  had  enjoyment  of  divine  things. 

21.  Had  a  very  interesting  conversation  with  my 


144  JOURNAL.  [1804 

dear  —  on  the  New  Testament  history  and  our  Lord, 
during  which  I  had  an  opportunity  of  telling  her  the 
most  important  things  of  the  Gospel.  In  my  walk  to 
Truro  was  tempted  to  great  pride,  but  my  uneasiness 
under  every  access  of  glory  to  myself,  makes  me  earnest 
in  general,  to  give  it  to  the  Lord,  to  whom  alone  it 
belongs. 

22.  Rose  late,  but  in  prayer  after  breakfast,  the 
Spirit  seemed  to  breathe  on  my  soul.  I  continued  in 
prayer  a  good  while,  and  my  heart  was  enlarged.  Went 
to  Truro  church,  where  my  own  vain  heart  wandered. 
In  the  afternoon  walked  to  Kenwyn,  with  — ,  who  I 
rejoice  to  find  has  not  forgot  the  religious  impressions 
of  his  youth.  I  preached  there  on  1  Tim.  i.  15.  to  a 
congregation  not  large,  but  consisting  of  my  acquaint- 
ance almost  entirely,  people  who  are  in  the  habit  of 
hearing  truth.  I  heard  the  commendations  of  several, 
during  the  course  of  the  evening,  which  gave  me  some 
uneasiness,  by  fanning  the  flame  of  vanity.  Visited 
some  sick  people  after  tea,  with  one  of  whom  my  soul 
was  much  drawn  out  in  prayer.  But  no  outward  duties 
leave  me  in  a  humble  spiritual  state  of  themselves,  often 
on  the  contrary  they  flurry  me,  and  fiiU  my  heart  with 
pride. 

23.  At  night  walked  through  the  woods  to  — ,  in 
a  sober  and  placid  frame.  Supped  with  the  family  and 
slept  there.  How  wretched  to  be  in  a  house  where 
there  is  a  general  disregard  to  religion.  Though  I  am 
unworthy,  through  my  carnal-mindedness,  to  be  of  the 
household  of  faith,  and  to  be  a  fellow-citizen  with  the 
saints,  yet  it  would  be  perfect  misery  to  me  to  live  with 
such  people  as  I  meet  with,  ignorant  of  God,  and  lovers 
of  the  world. 

24.  Breakfasted  at  Lamorran,  and  retired  for 
two  or  three  hours,  to  write  a  sermon  for  next  Sunday. 
S —  walked  a  little  way  with  me  towards  Truro.  I  told 
her  gently  of  her  not  adorning  the  doctrine  of  God,  by  a 
cheerful  and  contented  temper.  She  was  in  tears  at 
the  thought  of  her  inward  corruption  as  she  said.     I 


1804]  JOURNAL.  145 

went  on  my  way  fearful  I  had  not  been  tender  enough 
in  my  behaviour  or  my  thoughts.  Dined  at  — 's. 
Conversation  as  usual  utterly  insipid.  That  something 
might  be  said,  I  conformed  too  much  in  levity  to  the 
rest.  I  find  it  far  more  difficult  to  preserve  a  devout 
and  serious  frame  amongst  my  friends  here,  among 
whom  I  have  always  hidierto  appeared  a  gay  young 
man,  than  in  Cambridge.  I  fear  there  is  a  very  great 
deal  of  dissimulation  in  my  profession. 

25.  After  dinner  there  was  a  meeting  between  — 
and  — .  —  behaved  in  a  most  furious  unreasonable 
manner,  which  so  a£Fected  me,  that  tliough  I  looked  up 
continually  for  help,  I  could  scarcely  speak. 

28.  Rode  to  St.  Hilary,  with  my  mind  all  the  way 
thinking  on  nothing,  thus  giving  the  tempter  an  occa- 
sion against  me. 

29.  (Sunday.)  Read  and  prayed  in  the  morning 
before  service  with  seriousness,  striving  against  those 
thoughts  which  oppressed  me  idl  the  rest  of  the  day. 
At  St.  Hilary  church  in  the  morning,  my  thoughts 
wandered  from  the  service,  and  I  suffered  the  keenest 
disappointment.  Miss  L —  G —  did  not  come.  Yet 
in  great  pain,  I  blessed  Grod  for  having  kept  her  away, 
as  she  jDoightliaYiL.  been  a  snare  to  me.  These  things 
would  be  almost  incredible  to  another,  and  almost  to 
myself,  were  I  not  taught  by  daily  experience,  that 
whatever  the  world  may  say,  or  I  may  thinE  of  myself, 
I  am  a  poor,  wretched,  sinful,  contemptible  worm. 

Called  after  tea  on  Miss  L —  G — ,  and  walked  with 
her  and  — ,  conversing  on  spiritual  subjects.     All  the 
rest  of  the  evening  and  at  night  I  could  not  keep  her 
out  of  my  mind.     I  felt  too  plainly  that  I  loved   her ! 
passionately.     The  direct   opposition   of    this,   to  my  < 
devotedness  to  God  in  the  missionary  way,  excited  no 
small  tumult  in  my  mind.     In  conversation,  having  no  \ 
divine  sweetness  or  peace,  my  cheerfulness  was  affected,  . 
and  consequently  very  hurtftil  to  my  conscience.     At  , 
night  I  continued  an  hour  and  a  half  in  prayer,  striving 
against  this  attachment.     I  endeavoured  to  analyze  it, 

L 


146  JOURNAL.  [1804 

that  I  might  see  how  base,  and  mean,  and  worthless 
such  a  love  to  a  speck  of  earth,  was,  compared  with 
divine  love.  Then  I  read  the  most  solemn  parts  of 
[Scripture,  to  realize  to  myself  death  and  eternity,  and 
these  attempts  were  sometimes  blest.  One  while  I  was 
about  to  triumph,  but  in  a  moment  my  heart.had  wan- 
dered to  the  beloved  idol!  I  went  to  bed  in  great  pain, 
lyet  still  rather  superior  to  the  enemy;  but  in  dreams 
her  image  returned,  and  I  awoke  in  the  night,  with  my 
mind  full  of  her.  No  one  can  say  how  deeply  this 
unhappy  affection  has  fixed  itself ;  since  it  has  nothing 
selfish  in  it  that  I  can  perceive,  but  is  founded  on  the 
^ighest  admiration  of  her  piety  and  manners. 

30.  Rose  in  great  peace.  God,  by  secret  influence, 
seemed  to  have  caused  the  tempest  of  self-will  to  sub- 
side. Rode  away  from  St.  Hilary  to  Gwennap  in  peace 
of  mind,  and  meditated  most  of  the  way  on  Rom.  viii. 
I  again  devoted  myself  to  the  Lord,  and  with  more  of 
my  will  than  last  night.  I  was  much  disposed  to  think 
of  subjects  entirely  placed  beyond  the  world,  and  had 
strong  desires,  though  with  heavy  opposition  from  my 
corrupt  nature,  after  that  entire  deadness  to  this  world, 
which  David  Brainerd  manifested.  At  night  I  found 
myself  to  have  backslidden  a  long  way  from  the  life  of 
godliness,  to  have  declined  very  much  since  my  coming 
into  Cornwall,  but  especially  since  I  went  to  St.-Hilary. 
Sat  up  late,  and  read  the  last  chapter  and  other  parts 
of  Revelations,  and  was  deeply  affected.  Prayed  with 
more  success  than  lately. 

31.  Read  and  prayed  this  morning  with  increasing 
victory  over  my  self-will.  The  7th  of  Romans  was  parti- 
cularly suitable ;  it  was  agreeable  to  me  to  speak  to 
God  of  my  own  corruption  and  helplessness.  Walked 
in  the  afternoon  to  Redruth,  after  having  prayed  over 
the  Epistle  to  Ephesians  with  much  seriousness.  On 
the  road  I  was  enabled  to  triumph  at  last,  and  found  my 
heart  as  pleased  with  the  prospect  of  a  single  life  in 
missionary  labours  as  ever.  What  is  the  exceeding 
greatness  of  his  power  to  usward  who  believe  ! 


1804]  LETTER.  147 

Augmt  3.  Wrote  part  of  a  sermon,  and  was  very 
much  affected  with  considering  the  holy  life  of  our  Lord 
on  earth,  and  in  my  walk  out,  found  my  soul  breathing 
after  a  conformity  to  him. 

5.  Walked  in  great  peace  to  St.  Michael's,  and 
preached  there  on  John  iv.  10.  My  two  sisters  heard 
me  for  the  first  time.  As  I  walked  afterwards  with  — 
to  Lamorran,  I  found  she  had  been  deeply  affected,  and 
by  the  rest  of  her  conversation  I  received  great  satis- 
faction.  Preached  at  Lamorran,  on  the  parable  of  the 
lost  sheep.  There  was  the  greatest  attention.  In  the 
evening  I  walked  by  the  water-side  till  late,  having  my 
heart  full  of  praise,  at  first,  to  God,  for  having  given  me 
such  hopes  of  — .  I  laboured  greatly  with  an  empty 
unsettled  mind,  but  latterly  my  spirit  rose  again  to 
heaven,  and  enjoyed  great  deadness  to  the  world,  and 
clear  views  of  the  work  which  lay  before  me  in  this 
world,  and  of  my  passage  into  eternity. 

6.  In  conversation  at  night,  having  occasion  to 
mention  to  one  another,  the  acts  of  great  wickedness  we 
had  heard  of,  such  as  murder,  &c.,  my  soul  was  filled 
vdth  the  most  awful  thoughts.  I  felt  deep  concern 
for  my  poor  fellow-mortals,  and  fear  of  God's  judg- 
ments, but  could  not  conceive  that  I  could  be  capable 
of  murder.  My  utter  unprofitableness  and  daily  waste 
of  time  came  home  to  my  conscence,  and  I  lay  down 
^ith  strong  desires  after  a  life  of  more  devotedness  and 
diligence. 

Lamorran,  August  6,  1804. 

My  dear  Sargent, 

♦  ♦  ♦  ♦  * 

How  can  I  sufiiciently  adore  the  singular  benefits  of 
God  to  my  family ;  we  are  now  brothers  and  sisters  for 
eternity.  How  cheerfully  can  I  now  go  forth  to  pro- 
claim the  glories  of  him  who  hath  done  so  much  foi  us. 

#  *  *  #  ♦ 

Respecting  your  approaching  union  with  that  excel- 
lent lady,  I  have  nothing  to  add  at  present,  but  that  you 

L  2 


148  JOURNAL.  [1804 

have  my  prayers,  both  of  you  ;  and  particularly  does  it 
seem  to  me  a  necessary  petition  that  you  may  not  in 
your  mutual  affection  forget  the  Saviour.  May  he  him- 
self show  us  the  vanity  of  the  enjoyments  of  this  world  ; 
and  instead  of  pleasing  ourselves  with  the  prospect  of  a 
happy  continuance  in  it,  let  us  contemplate  with  greater 

satisfaction  the  moment  of  our  departure  from  it.       * 

*  «  # 

7.  Continued  seven  hours  in  the  wood  this  mor- 
ning. In  prayer  my  soul  was  convinced  of  its^lrifling 
Aincoacern  about,  souls,  and  was  stirred  up  to  pray  for  It 
serious  earnestness,  which  the  Lord  imparted  to  me  in 
some  measure.  I  wrote  with  my  mind  solemnized.  In 
the  evening  read  Jon.  Edwards  on  *  Original  Sin,'  one 
mark  was  a  want  of  love  to  God ;  how  deeply  do  I 
bear  this  mark  engraved  in  my  nature.  In  prayer  at 
night  I  was  made  to  feel  a  little  more  love  to  the  bles- 
sed God. 

8.  Walked  from  Tressilian  to  Lamorran,  with  my 
mind  unsettled  at  first,  but  in  complaining  of  the  dead- 
ness  of  my  heart,  and  asking  to  be  shown  something 
for  which  my  love  to  God  might  be  kindled,  my  heart 
was  raised,  doubtless  by  the  Spirit,  to  great  admiration 
and  love  to  Grod,  without  having  in  view  any  of  his  par- 
ticular benefits,  and  the  prominent  feature  of  this  affec- 
tion in  my  mind  at  the  time,  was  an  unwillingness  so 
much  as  to  think  any  thing  that  might  offend  him. 

At  Mr.  B — 's,  met  Capt.  —  his  lady  and  suite  ;  he 
was  sailing  one  Sunday,  a  few  weeks  before,  when  by  his 
climbing  to  the  mast-head,  the  boat  upset  and  went 
down  in  an  instant ;  he  was  supported  by  his  clothes, 
but  was  taken  up  for  dead.  I  asked  him  whether  he 
did  not  receive  it  as  an  awful  warning  not  '  to  take  his 
pleasure  on  God's  holy  day ;  *  he  took  the  Lord's  name 
in  vain  immediately,  but  he  went  without  my  having  an 
opportunity  to  tell  him  of  it.  At  night  my  illness  gave 
me  near  views  of  death,  but  I  was  enabled  to  draw  near 
to  God  in  faith,  to  be  saved  as  a  poor  sinner. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  149 

10.  Breakfasted  with  — ,  he  presently  entered  into 
the  highest  points  of  the.  Calvinistic  scheme  ;  his  views 
appeared  to  me  unscriptural,  but  1  wanted  to  leave  these 
things  for  others  more  practical,  for  my  heart  was  much 
frozen  by  the  conversation  ;  he  had  \ut  a  slightx^piaion 
^f  missionary  work,  and  on  the^whole,  his  behaviour 

depressed  my  spirits  a  little,  though  he  has,  I  know, 
great  affection  for  me.  Walked  in  pain  and  weakness 
to  Truro,  with  my  mind-scarcely  reaching  beyond  the 
body.  My  illness  made  me  doubt  if  I  was  designed  for 
foreign  sprvicf ,  but  when  this  doubt  began  to  disquiet 
my  mind,  I  was  refreshed  by  considering  that  the  Lord 
would  make  me  clearly  understand  his  will  if  I  left  it  to 
him.     In  the  evening  read  Jon.  Edwards. 

11.  Was  very  ill  and  weak  all  day,  better  at  night, 
^nd  had  much  enjoyment  of  God. 

12.  Went  by  water  to  Philleigh,  where  I  preached ; 
dined  with  Mr.  B —  ;  finding  no  opportunity  of  talking 
on  religious  subjects,  I  conformed  to  their  worldly  man- 
ner and  conversation  so  much,  that  in  the  afternoon 
going  to  church,  I  found  my  conscience  dreadfully 
grieved,  and  did  not  recover  from  an  unbelieving 
sense  of  guih  till  I  went  away  from  them  ;  but  I 
confessed  my  iniquity  to  the  Lord,  and  found  returning 
peace.  .On  the  water,  and  in  the  wood,  as  I  returned, 
my  heart  was  hmnbled  and  tender.  During  the  whole 
time  of  being  at  Philleigh,  I  had  no  attack  of  those 
pains,  which  would  have  prevented  me  entirely  from 
preaching.  This  I  considered  as  a  remarkable  answer 
to  prayer. 

13.  Walked  to  Truro,  and  found  my  wandering 
heart  rested  on  the  way  by  reading  the  word. 

14.  Read  *  Edwards  on  Original  Sin.'  Dined  at 
— 's.  The  conversation  was  insipid  in  a  very  great 
degree.  No  doubt  I  might  have  introduced  better  sub* 
jects  very  easily,  were  my  own  heart  in  a  properly  spiri- 
tual state.  Mr.  —  walked  with  me  to  Mopus,  and 
heard  from  me  as  much  as  I  could  say  with  propriety. 

1 6.     Read  Edwards ;  rode  to  Truro  with  C — ,  unable 


150  JOURNAL.  [1804 

to  bring  him  to  any  usefiQ  conversation.  Dined  at  — s, 
who  used  every  argument  to  dissuade  me  from  going  to 
India,  some  not  without  weight,  expressing  withal  great 
regard  for  me.  In  the  evening  called  on  the  two  — ^"s, 
sent  I  think  by  their  Lord  to  them,  for  they  were  in 
great  want  and  dejection  that  none  visited  them. 

17.  Rode  to  Lanivet  with  great  deadness,  except 
when  I  read  the  word  of  God.  O  how  I  blessed  that 
precious  book,  for  quickening  me  to  conformity  to 
saints  and  holy  angels,  although  of  a  better  world. 
After  tea,  with  — ,  to  the  ruins  of  St.  Bennels.  I  could 
wish  to  have  been  alone,  but  on  our  return,  we  rested 
with  difficulty  on  the  subject  of  religion.  I  found  to 
my  surprise  and  grief,  his  mind  tinctured  with  infidelity. 
I  was  enabled  to  answer  his  arguments  clearly,  from 
Butler  and  Jon.  Edwards.  ^ 

18.  Morning  passed  in  reading  Homer  and  Mathe- 
matics with  — ,  for  I  could  get  him  to  speak  on  no 
other  subjects.  In  our  walk  we  touched  again  on  the 
subject  of  religion  ;  it  was  my  chief  endeavour  to  point 
out  the  necessity  of  prayer  for  illumination,  even  if  he 
believed  in  natural  religion  only ;  also  of  a  determina- 
tion of  acting  up  to  Uie  light  he  should  receive,  and 
conforming  his  life  to  the  gospel.  Also  of  enquiring 
with  the  humility  of  a  creature.  The  old  —  made  me 
a  present  of  Thomas-a-Kempis  de  Imitatione  Christi, 
and  seemed  much  affected  at  parting  with  me. 

19.  Though  I  lay  down  in  a  temper  of  poverty  of 
spirit,  my  first  thoughts,  seized  by  the  concerns  of  time 
and  sense,  led  me  to  a  proud  and  discontented  temper ; 
but  prayer  brought  me  to  a  better  spirit.  Rode  to  St. 
Michael's,  and  preached  there  on  Dan.  v.  23,  24.  to  a 
small  congregation  ;  walked  back  with  — .  Our  con- 
versation was  somewhat  on  the  vanity  of  the  world.  My 
heart  afterwards  was  a  little  ruffled  by  the  expectation 
of  the  great  concourse  of  people  to  hear  me,  but  my 
tranquillity  was  restored  by  prayer ;  yet  I  cannot  pre- 
serve for  any  time,  a  sense  of  inward  communion  with 
God.     The  church  at  Kenwyn    was  quite  full,  many 


1804]  JOURNAL.  151 

outside,  and  many  obliged  to  go  away.  At  first  be- 
ginning the  service,  I  felt  very  uneasy  from  the  number 
of  people  gazing,  but  my  peace  soon  returned,  and  I 
prayed  and  delivered  my  sermon  with  composure  and 
earnestness,  on  2  Cor.  v.  20,  21.  Walked  with — , 
and  tried,  I  am  afraid  to  no  purpose,  to  turn  his  waver- 
ing mind  to  religion.  Felt  chagrined  in  the  evening  at 
not  hearing  my  sermon  praised.  Wretched  creature, 
full  of  sin  and  ignorance  ;  the  less  reason  I  have  to  be 
proud,  the  more  eagerly  do  I  court  applause.  O  the 
blessedness  of  living  \mknown.  But  my  soul  is  en- 
couraged, that  I  feel  the  want  of  heavenly  abstraction 
from  sin  and  the  world,  and  the  certainty  that  I  may'^ 
receive  it  from  above.  Read  Thomas  k  Kempis  in  the 
evening. 

22.  Walked  to  St.  Hilary,  with  my  mind  agreeably 
employed  all  the  way,  in  learning  the  Epistle  to  the 
Ephesians  by  heart. 

23.  Walked  to  the  sea-side,  and  found  a  large  cave 
singularly  fitted  for  meditation;  I  prayed  with  some 
sense  of  the  awful  presence  of  God,  for  the  assistance  of 
the  Spirit,  in  writing  oh  Rev.  xxii.  17. 

24.  Abridged  *  Jon.  Edwards  on  Original  Sin.' 
Walked  out,  and  my  mind  was  kept  much  from  wander- 
ing. In  the  evening  read  Thomas  h,  Kempis  with  much 
profit  in  my  room. 

25.  Read  the  Pilgrim's  Progress  this  morning  to  — , 
Walked  out,  and  had  at  times  my  heart  exalted  to  God, 
but  my  affections  were  only  transient.  After  much  ex- 
ertion, I  got  an  insight  into  the  meaning  of  Rev.  xxii. 
17.  and  walked  up  and  down  with  my  soul  very  solemnly 
impressed,  and  my  ideas  flowing  naturally.  Read 
h,  Kempis  in  the  evening. 

26.  Rose  early,  and  walked  out,  invited  by  the 
beauty  of  the  morning.  Many  different  pleasing  thoughts 
crowded  on  my  mind,  as  I  viewed  the  sea  and  rocks — 
mount  and  bay,  and  thought  of  the  person  who  lived 
near  it ;  but  for  want  of  checking  my  natural  spirits, 
and  fixing  on  one  subject  of  thought,  I  was  not  much 


152  JOURNAL.  [1804 

benefitted  by  my  meditations.  Walked  in  the  evening 
with  Mr.  G — ,  and  Lydia,  up  the  hill,  with  the  most 
beautiful  prospect  of  the  sea,  &c.  but  I  was  unhappy 

\  from  feeling  the  attachment  to  Lydia,   for  I  was  un- 

\wiUing  to  leave  her. 

27.  Walked  to  Marazion,  with  my  heart  more  de- 
livered from  its  idolatry,  and  enabled  to  look  steadily 
and  peacefully  to  God.  Reading  in  the  afternoon  to 
Lydia  alone,  from  Dr.  Watts,  there  happened  to  be 
among  other  things  a  prayer  on  entire  preference  of  God 
to  the  creature.     Now,  thought  I,  here  am  I  in  the  pre* 

.  sence  of  God,  and  my  idol.  So  I  used  the  prayer  for 
'  myself,  and  addressed  it  to  God,  who  answered  itf  I 
;  think,  for  my  love  was  kindled  to  Grod  and  divine 
things,  and  I  felt  cheerfully  resigned  to  the  will  of  God, 
(to  forego  the  earthly  joy,  which  I  had  just  been  desi- 
Hng  with  my  whole  heart.  I  continued  conversing  with 
|ier,  generally  with  my  heart  in  heaven,  but  every  now  and 
then  resting  on  her.  Parted  with  Lydia,  perhaps  for 
ever  in  tbi&life^-witlLa.sprt  of  uncertain  pam,  which JI 
knew  would  increase  to  greater  violfincfilafterwaipds,  gn 
reflection*  Walked  to  St.  Hilary,  determining  in  great 
tumult  and  inward  pain,  to  be  the  servant  of  God.  All 
the  rest  of  the  evening,  in  company,  or  alone,  I  could 
think  of  nothing  but  her  excdlences.  My  efforts  were 
however,  through  mercy,  not  in  vain,  to  feel  the  vanity 
of  this  attachment  to  the  creature.  Read  in  Thomas 
h,  Kempis  many  chapters,  directly  to  the  purpose ;  the 
shortness  of  time,  the  awfulness  of  death,  and  its  con- 
sequences, rather  settled  my  mind  to  prayer.  I  devoted 
myself  unreservedly  to  the  service  of  the  Lord»  lo  him, 
as  to  one  who  knew  the  great  conflict  within,  and  m^ 
firm  resolve  through  his  grace  of  being  his,  though  it 
should  be  with  much  tribulation. 

28.  Rose  with  a  heavy  heart,  and  took  leave  of  St. 
Hilary,  where  all  the  happier  hours  of  my  early  life, 
were  passed.  —  and  — ,  accompanied  me  in  the  chaise 
a  few  miles,  but  the  moment  they  left  me,  I  walked  on 
dwelling  at  large  on  the  excellence  of  Lydia.     I  had  a 


1804]  JOURNAL.  153 

few  feint  struggles  to  forget  her,  and  delight  in  God, 
but  they  were  ineffectual.  Among  the  many  motives, 
to  the  subjection  of  self-will,  I  found  the  thought  of  the 
entire  unworthiness  of  a  soul  escaped  from  hell,  to 
choose  its  own'will  before  God^s,  most  bring  my  soul  to  a'' 
rightiiame^  So  that  while  I  saw  the  necessity  of  re- 
signing, for  the  service  of  God,  all  those  joys,  for  the 
loss  of  which,  I  could  not  perceive  how  any  thing  in 
heaven  or  earth,  could  be  a  compensation,  I  said  amen  I 

29^.  I  walked  to  Truro,  with  my  mind  almost  all  the 
way  taken  up  with  Lydia.  But  once  reasoning  in  this 
way,  If  God  made  me,  and  wills  my  happiness,  as  I  do 
not  doubt,  then  he  is  providing  for  my  good  by  separa- 
ting^ mejrom  her;  this  reasoning  convinced  my  mind. 
I  felt  verysolemnly  and  sweetly,  the  excellence  of  serv- 
ing God  faithfully,  of  following  Christ  and  his  apostles, 
and  meditated  with  great  joy,  on  the  approach  of  the 
end  of  this  world.  Yet  still  I  enjoyed,  every  now  and 
then,  the  thought  of  walking  hereafter  Math  her,  in  the 
realma-ofgLoi^rA  conversing  on  the  things  of  God.  My 
mind  the  rest  of  the  evening  was  much  depressed.  I 
had  no  desire  to  live  in  this  world ;  scarcely  could  I  say, 
where  I  would  be,  or  what  I  would  do,  now  that  my 
self-will  was  so  strongly  counteracted.  Thus  God  waits 
patiently  for  my  return  from  my  backsliding,  which  I 
would  do  immediately.  If  he  were  to  offer  me  the 
utmost  of  my  wishes,  I  would  say,  not  so.  Lord  1  ^'  Not 
my  will,  but  thine  be  done." 

30.  Passed  the  morning  rather  idly,  in  reading  lives 
of  pious  women.  I  felt  an^  indescribable  mixture  of 
opposing  emotions.  At  one  time,  about  to  ascend  with 
delight  to  God,  who  had  permitted  me  to  aspire  after 
the  same  glory,  but  oftener  called  down  to  earth,  by  my 
earthly  good.  Major  Sandys  calling,  continued  till  din- 
ner conversing  about  India.  I  consented  to  stay  a  day 
with  him  at  Helston,  but  the  thought  of  being  so  near 
Marazion,  renewed  my  pain,  especially  taken  in  con- 
nexion with  my  going  thither  on  the  subject  of  my  de- 
parture.    After  dinner  walked  in  the  garden  for  two 


154  JOURNAL.  [1804 

hours,  reasoning  with  my  perverse  heart,  and  through 
God's  mercy  not  without  success.  You  preach  up  dead- 
ness  to  the  world,  and  yet  not  an  example  of  it !  Now 
is  the  time,  my  soul,  if  you  cannot  feel  that  it  is  best  to 
bear  the  cross,  to  trust  God  for  it.  This  will  be  true 
\  faith.  If  I  were  jput  in  possession  of  my  idol,  I  should 
immediately  say  and  feeU.  that.  God  joloue^j&'as^  notwith- 
standing, the  only  good,  and  to  Him  I  should  seek  imme- 
diately. Again  I  weighed  the  probable  temporal  con* 
sequence  of  having  my  own  will  gratified ;  -  the  dreadful 
pain  of  separation  by  death,  after  being  united,  -together 
with  the  distress  I  might  bring  upon  her  whom  I  loved. 
All  these  things  were  of  smaU  influence,  till  I  read  the 
Epistle  to  the  Hebrews,  by  which  my  mind,  made  to 
consider  divine  things  attentively,  was  much  more  freed 
from  earthly  things.  "  Let  us  come  boldly  to  the 
throne  of  grace,  that  we  may  obtain  mercy  and  find 
grace  to  help  in  time  of  need,"  was  very  precious  and 
comforting  to  me.  I  have  found  grace  to  help  in  this 
time  of  need  ;  I  still  want  a  humble  spirit  to  wait  upon 
the  Lord,  I  almost  called  God  to  witness,  that  I  truly 
resigned  my  pleasure  to  his,  as  if  I  wished  it  to  be  re- 
membered. In  the  evening,  had  a  serious  and  solemn 
time  in  prayer,  chiefly  for  the  influences  of  the  Spirit, 
and  rose  with  my  thoughts  fixed  on  eternity.  I  longed 
for  death,  and  called  on  the  glorious  day  to  hasten,  but 
it  was  in  order  to  be  free  from  the  troubles  of  this 
world. 

31.     Passed  the    morning    partly    in    reading  and 

writing,  but  chiefly  in  business.     Rode  to  Rosemundy, 

with  my  mind  at  first  very  unhappy,  at  the  necessity  of 

mortifying  my  self-will,  in  the  same  particulars  as  for 

I  [some  days.     In  conversing  on  the  subject  of  India  with 

[Major  Sandys,  I  could   not    help  communicating  the 

[pain  I  felt  at  parting  with  the  person,  to  whom  I  was 

'attached ;  but  by  thus  dwelling  on  the  subject,  my  heart 

^was  far  more  distressed   than   ever.     Found  my  mind 

more  easy  and  submissive  to  God  at  night  in  prayer. 

September  1.     Drove  to  Helston,  and  enjoyed  peace 


1804]  JOURNAL.  155 

in  general.  In  the  evening,  Mr.  S.  the  curate  of  He!- 
ston,  and  I,  walked  together  in  the  garden.  I  rejoiced 
to  find  him  seriously  disposed,  and  endeavoured  to  give 
him  what  I  thought  scriptural  views  of  the  doctrines 
of  the  gospel. 

2.  (Sunday.)  Preached  at  Helston  church,  and 
greatly  offended  some  ladies,  who  said  they  would  not 
go  again  to  hear  such  doctrine ;  accordingly  in  the  after- 
noon, the  genteel  part  of  the  congregation  was  smaller, 
but  the  poor  more  numerous.  Mr.  Andrews,  a  metho- 
dist,  begged  me  to  preach  at  their  chapel,  which  I  refused 

.of  course.  I  retired  to  my  room,  and  found  my 
heart  much  enlarged  in  solemn  prayer,  and  views  of 
eternity.  Walked  in  a  peaceful  contemplation  of  the 
wisdom  of  God,  as  being  a  ground  of  resignation.  When 
my  mind  was  sufficiently  composed  into  submission,  I 
joined  Mr.  S.  and  pressed  him  closely  on  leaving  off 
cards,  plays,  dances,  and  forsaking  the  company  of  the 
world.  He  seemed  much  convinced,  and  expressed 
great  desire  of  a  more  serious  devotion  of  himself  to  the 
service  of  God.  Mr.  O.  "Who  Had  been  a  missionary  in 
the  West  Indies  for  twelve  years,  called  on  me  after- 
wards, and  gave  me  much  delightful  information  con- 
cerning the  work. 

3.  Mr.  S.  called  on  me  this  morning,  to  let  me 
know,  how  much  he  was  obliged  to  me  for  my  conver* 
sation  with  him,  and  that  he  would  not  but  have  seen 
me  on  any  account.  The  Lord  teach  him  to  save  him- 
self and  them  that  hear  him  !  I  was  about  to  take  my 
leave  when  —  begged  to  speak  a  few  words,  which 
brought  me  to  ask  him  about  balls,  which  I  had  heard 
he  sometimes  attended.  He  was  convinced  by  the 
arguments  I  adduced,  and  confessed  he  had  been  acting 
wrong,  through  ignorance  and  fear  of  man,  and  deter- 
mined to  have  nothing  more  to  do  with  them.  From 
these  things  I  saw  clearly  the  hand  of  providence,  con- 
ducting me  to  Helston,  whither  I  never  dreamt  of  going 
till  just  before.  The  papers  relating  to  the  Mission 
Church,   I   read   through,  and  from  them  and  Major 


156  JOURNAL.  [1804 

Sandys'  accounts,  felt  very  strong  desires  to  go  forth 
and  preach.  Rode  to  Redruth  aifler  dinner,  with  my 
mind  unsettled,  through  love  of  the  world,  or  rather 
myj^ol. 

4.  In  prayer  this  morning,  as  last  night,  was  taken 
up  with  desiring  that  heavenly  abstraction  from  the 
world,  necessary  for  writing  on  Rev.  xxii.  17  ;  found 
the  utmost  difficulty  to  fix  my  thoughts  on  the  subject. 
At  night  walked  to  Truro,  with  my  mind  generally  at 
peace,  and  rejoicing  in  God,  devoting  myself  to  him, 
with  an  entire  resignation  of  idols,  the  world,  &c. 

5.  Writing  on  Revelations  xxii.  17^  though  greatly 
distracted  by  business :  passed  the  evening  with  S — ,  and 
took  occasion  to  beseech  her  to  give  up  herself  wholly 
to  God,  without  which  she  could  not  be  safe.  Read 
some  chapters  of  the  Acts  to  her. 

6.  Finished  the  Acts  with  her.  She  engaged  to  be 
regular  in  the  performance  of  those  outward  duties 
which  I  reconunended.  Retired  for  a  while  to  my  Bethel, 
and  after  writing  a  few  pages,  took  my  leave  of  it  with 
solemn  and  affectionate  prayer,  that  I  might  preach  in 
the  concourse  of  men  in  foreign  lands  those  truths 
which  I  had  received  and  meditated  upon  there,  and 
that  if  I  should  be  spared  to  revisit  it,  it  might  be  with 
great  increase  of  grace  in  my  heart,  and  after  an  abun- 
dant harvest  of  souls.  Much  of  the  rest  of  the  day,  till 
evening,  passed  in  exhorting  and  comforting  my  sister, 
and  then  I  took  leave  of  her,  with  great  distress  to  us 
both. 

8.  Continued  our  journey  to  Plymouth  Dock,  where 
we  arrived  at  three  o'clock ;  my  mind  in  the  morning 
was  empty,  for  want  of  prayer,  and  so  ill  prepared  to 
exercise  a  complacent  devotedness  to  God  in  all  that  he 
is  about  to  do  with  me. 

9.  Rose  late,  and  unfit  for  lively  worship  of  God, 
in  consequence  of  sitting  up  late  last  night. 

10.  Walked  with  Mr.  H —  into  dock,  and  was 
able  to  meditate  with  tolerable  steadiness  on  Scripture, 
yet  with  lamentable  thoughts  of  vain  conceit  continually 


1804]  JOURNAL.  157 

offering  themselves.  After  dinner  read  *  Thoresby's 
Journcd,'  and  retiring,  had  a  happy  season  of  reading 
and  prayer.  After  tea  walked  with  F — ,  and  after 
offering  every  argument  to  induce  him  to  come  to  God, 
took  my  leave  of  him.  I  learnt  from  —  that  my 
attachment  taher^sistsr  was  not  altogether  unretumed* 
and  the  discovery  gave  me  both  pleasure  9did  pain,  but 
at  night  alone,  I  resigned  m]rself  entirely  to  the  will  of 
God. 

11.  Took  my  leave  of  this  family,  who  have  truly 
God  with  them  in  their  house,  and  went  to  Exeter.  My 
thoughts  were  almost  wholly  occupied  with  Lydia,i 
though  not  in  a  spirit  of  departure  from  God,  for  I  coni ' 
sidered  myself  as  in  his  hands,  and  reposed  with  confiJ  \ 
dence  and  peace  on  his  unerring  wisdom.  Found  some^  \ 
opportunities  of  speaking  to  —  a  young  attorney,  who 
knew  the  necessity  of  a  change,  but  could  not  begin. 
While  the  coach  stopped  to  change  horses,  we  went  into 
a  garden,  and  sat  by  some  water  on  the  grass  slopes.  I 
read  and  explained  the  23rd  Psalm,  to  which  he  lis- 
tened. One  of  the  passengers  was  a  Unitarian,  and 
with  him  in  a  long  walk  we  had  before  the  coach,  I  had 
a  conversation,  till,  having  nothing  to  say  in  his  defence, 
he  declined  the  subject.  Alas  1  it  is  the  love  of  sin  in 
all  carnal  men  that  is  at  the  bottom.  Filled  with  awful 
thoughts  of  God's  power  and  sovereignty,  and  felt  the 
dreadful  impiety  of  being  dissatisfied  with  his  wiU. 

London.  1 4 .  Called  on  Mr.  G — ,  and  went  away  much 
dispirited,  chiefly  about  — ;  for  my  own  concerns  I  could 
repose  on  the  infinite  wisdom  of  God,  who  would  make 
my  way  clear.  The  same  consideration  settled  my  mind 
also  on  — s  account.  Called  on  G — ,  and  was  thus 
again  reminded  of  one  too  deeply  in  my  heart.  I  then 
went  to  St.  Paul's,  to  see  Sir  W.  Jones's  monument : 
the  sight  of  the  interior  of  the  dome  filled  my  soul 
with  inexpressible  ideas  of  the  grandeur  of  God,  and  the 
glory  of  heaven,  much  the  same  as  I  had  at  the  sight  of 
a  painted  vaulted  roof  in  the  British  Museum.  I  could 
scarcely  believe  that  I  might  be  in  the  immediate  enjoy- 


A 


158  JOURNAL.  [1804 

ment  of  such  glory  in  another  hour.  In  the  evening  the 
sound  of  sacred  music,  with  the  sight  of  a  rural  landscape, 
imparted  some  indescribable  emotions  after  the  glory  of 
God,  by  diligence  in  his  work.  To  preach  the  -gospel 
for  the  salvation  of  my  poor  fellow-creatures,  that  they 
might  obtain  the  salvation  which  is  in  Christ  Jesuft.-icith 
eternal  glory,  seemed  a  very  sweet  and  precious  employ- 
ment.    Lydia  then  again  seemed  a  small  hindrance.  * 

15.  Left  London  for  Cambridge,  with  my  mind 
most  of  the  way  disturbed.  I  took  no  pains  to  say 
anything  for  the  good  of  the  people,  though  I  might 
certainly  have  done  it. 

16.  (Sunday.)  Set  out  for  Stapleford  with  great 
desire,  that  not  a  moment  might  pass  without  having 
my  thoughts  in  actual  exercise,  about  something  impro- 
ving. Yet  it  was  but  a  poor  day,  for  want  of  read- 
ing, prayer,  and  watchfulness.  My  mind  was  not  dili- 
gent, either  on  the  road  or  at  church.  Preached  on 
John  iii.  2. 

Rode  home,  and  having  little  time  for  prayer,  went  to 
Trinity  church  with  my  desires  indeed  after  God,  and 
deadness  to  the  world,  but  unfixed,  unsettled  on  divine 
meditations.  Preached  on  2  Cor.  v.  20,  21,  with  no 
comfort,  because  I  appeared  to  offer  to  God  what  cost 
me  nothing.  May  God  apply  the  word,  but  not  for  my 
sake;  I  must  truly  say  I  am  an  unprofitable  servant ;  but 
through  mercy  God  does  not  forsake  me,  but  is  quick- 
ening me  to  greater  devotedness  and  diligence.  O  may 
his  grace  enable  me  to  fight  manfully,  and  to  labour 
while  it  is  day,  while  I  am  in  this  world.  My  rest 
remaineth  for  the  next. 

17.  Another  unprofitable  day.  My  heart  was  lan- 
guid in  God's  work,  and  wandering  in  pursuit  of  my 
earthly  idol.  Yet  by  meditating  on  Ephes.  ii.  16,  my 
soul  was  more  disposed  to  cleave  to  God,  as  the  chief 
good. 

I  stayed  so  long  over  a  difficult  Latin  passage,  that  it 
was  too  late  to  see  any  body  more,  so  I  went  home  and 
prayed  with  some  earnestness,  that  I  might  redeem  the 


1804]  JOURNAL.  159 

time.  I  was  particularly  affected  with  this  thought, 
*  Are  there  so  many  people,  old  and  yoimg,  dying  all 
around  me,  and  am  I  considering  how  I  may  enjoy 
myself  in  life.'  ?  The  rest  of  the  evening  read,  and 
looked  out  the  parallel  passages  in  the  3rd  of  Ephesians. 
O  may  the  sins  and  negligences  of  this  day  be  forgiven, 
and  the  next  be  passed  with  greater  zeal,  diligence,  and 
heavenly-mindedness. 

18.  My  prayer  of  yesterday  was  heard,  for  this  day 
has  been  better  spent.  Rose  before  six,  and  prayed  in 
heaviness  for  God's  assistance  in  preparing  for  public 
ministrations.  Learnt  some  Scripture  by  heart;  con- 
sidered some  passages  for  the  evening. 

After  dinner  I  had  two  hours  in  my  room  of  prayer 
and  meditation  on  latter  part  of  Ephes.  iii. ;  then  went 
to  a  society,  where  I  found  considerable  ease  on  a  diffi- 
cult subject,  and  thus  the  Lord  rewards  the  least  dili-^ 
gence :  let  it  encourage  me  to  greater  exertions.  Ex- 
pounded to  my  bed-maker,  at  night,  as  usual,  but  all 
the  day  I  have  had  an  inward  conflict  between  God  and 
the  world.  Jjl^  dear  Lydia.and  my  duty  call  me  diffe- 
rent ways,  yet  God  hath  not  forsaken  me,  but  strength- 
.ened  me,  though  I  determined  to  do  his  will,  and  if  I 
could  not  find  joy  in  him,  not  to  seek  it  in  any  thing 
else. 

19.  Having  no  society  to  attend  this  day,  I  was  not 
so  watchful  over  my  heart;  such  is  my  corruption! 
h)rpocrisy  even  in  my  spiritual  desires !  Read  Jon. 
Edwards  before  breakfast,  but  lost  a  great  deal  of  time, 
then,  and  after  breakfast,  by  thinking  on  L —  G — . 
These  thoughts  may  be  very  pleasing  for  the  time,  but 
they  leave  behind  them  tenfold  pain.  Attempted  to 
write  on  Isaiah  Iv.  1 — 3,  but  with  little  progress,  my 
mind  was  so  distracted. 

After  church  called  on  — ,  who,  after  professing  for 
twenty,  five  years,  had  now  in  illness  begun  to  fear,  not 
without  reason,  that  she  had  never  known  the  grace  of 
God  in  truth.  After  many  vain,  evil,  distrustful 
thoughts,  my  mind  settled  in  prayer  to  God,  and  asked 


160  JOURNAL.  [1804 

freely  for  all  ministerial  gifts  and  graces,  and  begged  of 
him  to  fulfil  all  the  good  pleasure  of  his  will  respecting 
me,  not  to  allow  me  to  follow  the  dictates  of  my  heart, 
for  what  I  would  not  that  do  I.  It  is  therefore  no 
more  I  that  do  it,  but  sin  that  dwelleth  in  me. 

20.  With  my  mind  greatly  dissatisfied,  I  prayed 
over  1  John  iv.  and  found  my  heart  much  relieved.  In 
my  walk  I  indulged  in  the  pleasing  retrospection  of  the 
mornings  I  had  passed  with  Lydia,  and  at  last  ceased 
from  them  without  repining,  as  I  saw  sufficientin  God*s 
wisdom  and  love,  to  impart  perfect  satisfaction  with  all 
that  he  should  order.  I  was  for  the  rest  of  the  time 
generally  in  peace,  sometimes  rejoicing.  Visited  — , 
the  conversation  very  trifling,  but  I  abstained  from  that 
levity  to  which  I  was  tending,  because  it  would  be 
inconsistent  with  the  solemnity  of  the  subject  this 
evening.  At  church  my  soul  was  much  affected  with 
the  views  of  eternity.  I  preached  on  Rev.  vii,  22,  and- 
afterwards  walked  with  — ,  whom  I  encouraged  to  con- 
tinue in  the  grace  of  the  gospel.  Drew  near  to  God 
afterwards  in  prayer. 

21.  Rose  and  prayed  under  the  overwhelming  influ- 
ence of  corruption.  I  felt  an  obstinate  dislike  to  all  the 
service  of  God,  and  an  unhappy  discontent  at  his  righ- 
teous will.  Yet  I  determined  to  persevere  in  striving  to 
live  independently  of  created  comforts,  small  and  great. 
Was  somewhat  relieved  after  breakfast,  and  wrote 
sermon  with  freedom.  At  the  hour  of  walking  out, 
every  thing  tended  to  recal  gloom,  yet  I  summoned 
up  my  spirits,  and  considered  it  as  an  exercise  of  faith. 
I  once  was  beginning  to  console  myself,  that  I  should 
leave  this  dreary  scene  of  college,  which  appears  indeed-^ 
a  wilderness,  after  the  company  of  my  dear  friends  in 
Cornwall  and  Devonshire.  But  I  checked  the  thought, 
as  being  full  of  eartbliness^  discontent*  and  folly,  for  I 
ought  to  be  happy  wJierever„Gpd  has  placed  me  ;  and  I 
am  sure  enough  that  the  exchange  t  shall  make  of  col- 
lege, for  a  stormy  ocean  and  burning  plain,  will  not  be 
very  pleasing  to  the  flesh.     Meditated  during  walk,  on 


1804]  JOURNAL.  161 

a  subject  for  the  evening.     After  dinner  walked  a  little 

with inquiring  about  the  voyage  he  had  made 

to  China  ;  then  called  in  Wall's  Lane.  In  my  rooms 
continued  three  hours,  reading  for  the  dass,  learning 
Scripture  by  heart,  and  praying.  Afterwards  read  a 
little  of  Pearson,  French  Translation  of  Soame  Jenyns, 
and  Thomas-a-Kempis.  Some  of  Fortescue's  poems  set 
me  into  a  pensive  meditation  on  the  happy  mornings  I 
bad  passed  near  Killa  *  *  but  afterwards  it  sub- 
sided into  a  more  profitable  one  on  the  vanity  of  the 
world  I  "  they  marry  and  are  given  in  marriage,"  and  at 
the  end  of  a  few  years,  what  are  they  more  than  myself? 
looking  forward  to  the  same  dissolution,  and  expecting 
their  real  happiness  in  another  life.  '^  The  fashion  of  this 
3B[orld  passeth  away/'  Amen.  Let  me  do  the  will  of 
^Crod  while  I  am  in  it. 

22.  Wrote  freely  this  morning,  and  in  my  walk  out 
was  tolerably  peacefiil ;  when  my  time  is  well  employed, 
the  things  of  this  world  have  less  power  to  charm.  At 
chapel  my  soul  ascended  to  God,  and  the  sight  of  the 
picture  at  the  altar,  of  John  the  Baptist  preaching  in  the 
wilderness,  animated  me  exceedingly  to  devotedness  to 
the  life  to  a  missionary  ;  passed  most  of  the  evening  in 
reading  the  account  of  the  missionaries  in  India. 

23.  (Sunday.)  This  morning  I  had  power  to  check 
my  thoughts  fifom  wandering  over  the  earth,  and  looked 
up  to  Christ  for  entire  devotedness  to  him.  Prayed  for  all 
my  dear  brethren  in  the  ministry,  and  particularly  the  per- 
son who  had  warned  me  of  my  not  preaching  Christ.  I 
preached  at  Lolworth  from  2  Cor.  v.  20, 21,  I  thought 
with  such  clearness  that  all  must  have  understood ;  but 
a  woman  with  whom  I  have  conversed  more  than  once, 
discovered  by  her  conversation,  that  she  knew  no  more 
of  Christ,  than  if  she  had  never  heard  of  him.  ''  Not 
by  power,  nor  by  might,  but  by  my  Spirit,"  is  often  my 
refuge.  I  see  thai  I  can  only  sound  the  horns  round 
the  walls  of  Jericho;  but  oh,  does  not  perhaps  God 
withhold  his  Spirit  from  this  benighted  place,  because  I 
do  not  plead  for  them  in  earnest,  nor  bear  them  upon 

M 


162  JOURNAL.  [1804 

my.  heart  often  enough  before  Him?  I  must  live 
much  nearer  to  the  Lord.  I  am  satisfied  with  going  on 
without  anxiety  for  nearness  to  Gbd,  whereas  in  the 
midst  of  my  troubles,  I  find  not  a  moment's  peace,  save 
in  his  presence.  Oh,  how  does  it  show  the  corruption 
of  my  heart,  that  severe  afflictions  are  necessary  to  keep 
me  from  ruin.  Read  David  Brainerd  to  day,  and  yes- 
terday, and  find  as  usual,  my  spirit  greatly  benefitted 
by  it.  I  long  to  be  like  .him ;  let  me  forget  the  world, 
and  be  swallowed  up  in  a  desire  to  glorify  God.  I  am 
now  alone  with  God.  Awful  thought !  what  is  there  in 
the  creature  to  be  compared  to  tihee  ?  Lord,  remove 
the  veil  from  my  heart,  that  I  may  not  be  so  po.werfully 
driven  away  in  contradiction  to  my  reason.  Let  me 
cheerfully  repose  in  the  wisdom  of  God,  and  think  of 
nothing  now,  but  how  I  may  walk  agreeably  to  my 
Father's  will.  But  what  conflicts  has  *  *  .  caused 
in  my  mind.  At  night  prayed  earnestly  for  an  increase 
of  grace  for  usefulness  in  the  ministry,  and  felt  a  great 
desire  to  deny  myself,  and  to  be  diligent  for  the  cause 
of  the  gospel. 

24.  Rose  with  my  mind  heavenward,  after  some 
thoughts  of  God  in  the  night,  but  in  prayer  was  short 

and  superficial.     Read *s   account,  and  wrote  to 

— ,  which  took  up  all  the  morning ;  afterwards  burnt 
the  letter,  as  it  contained  unwarrantable  charges,  and 
betrayed  a  passionate  spirit. 

Read  and  prayed  with  my  bed-maker ;  read  a  good 
deal  of  Thomas-a-Kempis,  and  with  the  19th  Psalm 
closed  the  reading  of  the  day.  But  no  good  has  been 
done  without.  By  reading  a-Kempis,  I  am  brought  to 
ask,  what  keeps  me  from  such  close  communion  with 
God,  but  sin  and  sloth.  Do  I  not  know  I  might  enjoy 
the  same  deadness  to  the  world,  and  spirituality  of  mind, 
were  I  resolutely  to  pursue  the  path  of  watchfulness, 
fasting,  and  prayer  ? 

25-  Rose  rather  in  darkness,  but  was  enliyenedby 
prayer..  Called  on  — ,  and  exhorted  her,  now  sh^  was 
raised  to  life  ag^in,  to  walk  worthy  of  the  gospel.     As  I 


1804]  JOURNAL.  t63 

went  along  the  street,  my  heart  rose  above  earthly 
things  to  God.  Afterwards  in  my  room  was  rather 
peevish.  At  seven  went  to  a  class,  and  expounded 
Luke  ix.     The  rest  of  the  evening   chiefly  taken  up 

with  the  account  of which  I  finish^.     I^  feel  the 

jitniost  encouragement^  and  even  desire  to  go- and 
4)reach  to  the  Hindcios.-  My  talenta  seem;  to -me  to  be^ 
peculiarly  suited, to  .them.  Yet  I  have  need  to  learn 
much  subjugation  of  spirit,  to  be  willing  to  wait  on 
these  poor  people^  and  to  abide  the  Lord's  time  for  their 
conversion. 

26.  Rose  before  six,  and  walked  to  Shelford,  with 
my  mind  in  tolerable  peace,  committing  Scripture  to 
memory  ;  I  found  it  continually  necessary  to  pray  for  the 
good  of  men,  and  particularly  the  persons  I  am  this  day 
to  meet.  As  I  arrived  early,  I  employed  myself  immedi- 
ately, that  no  time  might  be  lost,  for  the  redemption  of 
time  is  absolutely  necessary  to  my  tranquillity.  I 
walked  home  to  Cambridge  alone  at  night,  with  my 
mind  disposed  to  enjoy  heavenly  things,  but  for  want 
of  exertion  to  fix  it,  the  time  was  rather  wasted. 

27.  Walked  to  Shelford ;  somewhat  ruffled  at  a 
trifle^  and  my  mind  getting  further  and  further  from 
Grod.  But  though  my  spirit  at  the  time  was  so  hateful, 
I  returned  to  him  in  defiance  of  my  corruption,  and 
prayed  for  deliverance,  which  I  received.     At  morning 

prayer,  Mr.  E officiated,  Mr.  H opened  the 

conference,  and  Mr.  M concluded  it  in  a  prayer. 

I  was  enabled  to  be  tolerably  watchftil,  so  as  not  to  lose 
sight  of  the  eternal  world.  In  the  evening  walked  to 
Cambridge  with  — .  My  conversation  was  very  pro- 
fitable to  me.  At  Trinity  church,  pfeached  on  Phil.  iv. 
7.  Afterwards,  during  the  interval  between  supper  and 
bed-time,  was  looking  over  the  Bengalee  grammar. 

28.  Walked  out  just  before  dinner,  with  the  melan- 
eholy  retrospect  of  a  morning  all  lost  through  wandering 
thoughts.  But  I  was  taught  by  former  experience,  not 
to  depart  from  God,  but  to  come  nearer  to  him,  which 
he  mercifully  permitted  me  to  do  >  I  calmly  considered 

M  2 


164  JOURNAL.  [1804 

how  loudly  and  earnestly  all  things  around  me  are  call- 
ing me  to  redeem  the  time.  Almost  despaired  of  ever 
writing  or  speaking  with  that  deep  seriousness  which 
characterizes  Mr.  M.  Yet  by  looking  up  to  God,  I 
somewhat  composed  my  mind  into  a  solemn  frame.  At 
prayer,  after  dinner,  my  soul  was  seriously  affected,  and 
I  went  to  my  work  of  visiting  Wall's  Lane,  with  a  heart 
strengthened  against  my  vanities  ;  returned  and  finished 
the  Bengalee  grammar,  which  I  had  begun  yesterday, 
and  construed  a  little.  I  am  anxious  to  get  Carey's 
Bengalee  New  Testament.  After  tea,  reading  a  version 
of  Psalm  cxxxix.  I  felt  the  presence  of  God  as  very 
near  me,  and  addressed  him  with  the  deep  impression 
on  my  soul.  Oh  that  I  could  live  in  such  a  frame  ;  let 
me  set  the  Lord  always  before  me.  What  is  religion 
without  the  reality  of  divine  communion,  and  how 
shall  I  be  easy  on  my  death-bed  without  being  more 
clearly  satisfied  of  my  having  partaken  of  it,  than  I  am 
at  present  ?  God  seems  near  to  me,  but  speaks  not, 
but  it  is  because  I  do  not  ask  him  to  speak  ;  I  content 
myself  with  telling  him  my  wants,  but  can  bear  to  be 
unanswered,  and  to  be  without  the  joy  of  the  Holy 
Ghost.  Read  some  chapters  in  Numbers,  and  wrote 
part  of  a  sermon  till  late. 

29.  Watched  over  my  thoughts  more  steadily  this 
day,  and  found  the  benefit,  as  I  delighted  more  in  God. 
Many  argued  at  —  in  favour  of  the  lawfulness  of  amuse- 
ments on  the  Lord's  day,  as  it  was  not  a  day  enjoined 
in  scripture,  to  be  observed ;  I  could  not  prove  decidedly 
that  they  were  unlawful,  but  my  heart  was  grieved  at  the 
open  profaneness  and  vain  reasonings,  which  will  in- 
crease into  more  ungodliness.  In  prayer  afterwards,  I 
felt  much  affected  at  remembering  them. 

30.  My  mind  this  morning  was  in  a  frame  of  easily 
ascending  to  God  in  peaceftd  solemnity;  but  by  the 
merest  carelessness  and  self-confidence,  I  let  my  thoughts 
run  upon  the  world,  and  the  flesh,  till  my  conscience 
was  wounded.  In  prayer  I  was  serious  and  earnest. 
I  rode  home  from  Lolworth,  with  my  unbelieving  sus- 


1804]  JOURNAL.  165 

picious  heaELameasy  .  about  there  being  no  appointment 
for  me  to^India^  without  which,  as  Mr.  Simeon  said,'  to 
go,  would  be  to  run  before  the  pillar  and  the  cloud.  I 
felt  a  dislike^  to  staying  longer  in  Cambridge  than  till 
the  spririgT  At  intervals  I  recovered,  and  reposed  on 
the  wisdom  of  God,  and  sometimes  through  the  even- 
ing, I  longed  to  be  alone  in  my  room,  to  have  my  heart 
opened  in  prayer. 

October  1 .  The  pride  of  my  heart  was  made  manifest 
to  me  this  morning  in  prayer,  but  it  was  a  time  of 
spiritual  strengthening  to  me.  Read  at  the  hospital, 
and  (Tailed  on  — ,  &c.  My  own  heart  was  not  the  bet- 
ter for  these  ministrations,  but  rather  puffed  up  with 
pride  and  arrogance.  But  in  prayer  I  found  myself 
restored  to  a  right  frame.  Read  in  the  Christian  Ob- 
server. The  account  of  a  Brahmin  preaching  the  gospel 
delighted  me  most  exceedingly.  I  could  not  help  bless- 
ing God  for  thus  glorifying  himself. 

2.  My  mind  was  seriously  turned  towards  God, 
somewhat  in  a  spirit  of  calm  devotion,  this  morning. 
Read  Thomas  k  Kempis,  and  a  few  hymns,  with  some 
sweetness  of  soul.  Wrote  sermon.  Engaged  all  the 
rest  of  the  morning  by  Gilchrist's  Hindoostanee  dic- 
tionary. Walked  with  A — ,  but  from  having  no  prayer, 
nor  reading,  nor  religious  thought,  I  was  very  little  dis- 
posed for  edifying  conversation.  The  loss  of  time  made 
me  also  rather  petulant.  In  my  walk  afterwards  alone, 
having  no  Bible,  I  endeavoured  to  repeat  to  myself  the 
Epistle  to  the  Ephesians,  which  brought  me  nearer  to 
God,  and  kept  me  from  darkness  and  peevishness.  After 
dinner,  began  Halhed's  Bengalee  grammar,  for  I  found 
that  the  other  grammar  I  had  been  reading,  was  only 
for  the  corrupted  Hindoostanee.  In  prayer,  I  found  my 
soul  composed  to  a  blessed  and  serious  view  of  eternity. 
Visited  the  hospital,  &c.  Read  some  missionary  ac- 
counts, and  felt  my  heart  expanded  with  love,  and  gra- 
titude, and  praise,  for  what  God  is  doing.  Oh  that  it 
may  please  my  God  in  his  mercy,  to  send  me  forth  into 
this  vineyard.     I  could  almost  say  it  is  my  supreme  and 


166  JOURNAL.  [1804 

fervent  desire,  that  God  may  be  glorified,  were  it  notihaL 
my  slowness  to  labour  in  my  present  post  seems  to  offer 
a  plain  contradiction  to  this.  Oh  that  tKei8pinE  woiillt~ 
kindle  a  holy  zeal  within  me,  and  give  me  victory  over 
the  world  and  the  flesh,  for  it  is  ta  spare  this  that  the 
devil  tempts  me  to  neglect  the  work  of  God.  Oh  that 
my  eyes  were  opened,  that  I  might  see  the  heavens,  and 
Jesus  standing  at  the  right  hand  of  God ! 

3.  Reading  Missionary  accounts,  Bengalee  gramnuir, 
and  at  church.  Went  out,  designing  to  call  at  all  the 
houses,  about  having  the  children  catechized;  after- 
wards, when  I  ought  to  have  read  the  scripture!^  and 
prayed,  I  took  up  the  Missionary  accounts,  and  so  the 
opportunity  was  lost.  I  went  out,  groaning  heavily  at 
my  careless  walk  with  Godw>  I  pray  that  he  take  not  his 
Holy  Spirit  from  me.  Staid  at  the  hospital  in  the 
afternoon,  endeavouring  to  lead  the  different  patients  to 
the  knowledge  of  the  way  of  salvation  ;  afterwards 
called  upon  — ,  and  used  every  possible  illustration  and 
argument,  to  convince  them  of  sin,  and  lead  them  to 
Christ,  but  all  in  vain ;  I  then  prayed  with  them  ;  in 
the  evening  wrote  part  of  my  sermon ;  I  was  much 
.  pained  and  humbled  at  reflecting,  that  it  has  iLWfir  yet- 
\'*%  to  my  knowledge  pleased  God  to  awaken  one  ^  soul  by 
my  means,  either  in  public  or  private, — shame  be  to 
myself.  Now,  what  is  there  wrong  in  my  spirit  ?  Wheq 
I  ask  the  question,  my  conscience  may  immediately 
reply,  What  is  there  which  is  not  wretchedly  proud  and 
lukewarm  ;  but  I  desire  nothing  pleasing  or  honourable 
to  myself.  God  forbid !  but  oh  let  me  be  found  doing 
my  duty ! 

4.  My  mind  rather  unfitted  for  the  worship  of  God 
this  morning  by  wandering  thoughts ;  yet,  by  prayer, 
God  in  mercy  "  restored  my  soul,  and  led  me  in  the  paths 
of  righteousness  for  his  name's  sake,"  B break- 
fasted with  me,  and  staid  late ;  finished  a  letter,  and 
then  the  morning  was  gone  ;  walked  out,  and  instead 
of  grieving  at  my  miserable  unprofitableness,  began  to 
think  of  Lydiaj  but  almost    without  a   wish,  to  live  at 


1804]  JOURNAL.  167 

home^or  her.  With  all  my  worthlessness,  and  deadness, 
and  stupidity,  I  would  not  wish  to  exist  unless  I  hoped 
to  live  entirely  for  God*  Dined  at  — ,  and  in  the  after- 
noon walked  about,  with  my  mind  harassed  and  hurt 
by  many  vanities.  Alas,  I  do  not  live  like  a  foUower 
of  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ,  bidding  farewell  to  this  world  ; 
yet  God  helping  me,  I  will  be  a  holy  man.  Read  the  ser- 
vice with  some  humiliation,  and  desire  to  be  alone  to 
pour  out  my  soul  to  God.  Mr.  Simeon  preached  on 
"  Christ  is  all  and  in  all ;  *'  it  was  very  serious  and  con- 
soling to  me.  If  it  be  a  true  mark  to  desire  to  be  de- 
livers! from  an  evil  nature,  and  to  put  on  the  new  man, 
then  I  trust  that  I  possess  that.  Was  much  struck 
with  Mr.  Ward's  letter  to  a  minister ;  I  scarcely  know 
what  time  to  devote  to  sermon-writing.  I  do  waste 
a  prodigious  part  of  it  in  this  way.  I  cannot  but 
think  that  if  I  read  more  of  scripture,  and  prayed 
more,  and  was  more  engaged  in  active  exertion  for  my 
parishes,  I  should  have  more  spirituality  and  freedom 
in  composition. 

'5.  My  mind  still  galled  at  the  sense  of  my  unpro- 
fitableness. N.  and  B.  breakfasted  with  me  ;  notwith- 
standing my  precaution  I  had  not  sufficient  recollection 
to  be  profitable  to  them.  This  was  a  day  I  had  intended 
for  fasting  and  prayer,  of  which  my  soul  greatly  stands 
in  need,  but  unforeseen  engagements  prevented  it.  All 
that  I  see,  and  read,  and  think  of,  in  the  creature, 
though  it  be  of  a  religious  nature,  is  utterly  unsatisfying. 
Theu  why  do  I  not  keep  nearer  to  God  ?  how  is  it  that 
every  thing  can  engage  me  more  easily  than  he  ? 

6.  Morning  passed  away  in  reading  Missionary  jour- 
nals, and  attempting  sermon ;  in  the  afternoon,  was  em- 
ployed in  officiating  at  the  hospital,  calling  on  W.  and 
M.  With  the  former  I  was  often  brought  to  recollect 
I  was  conversing  with  a  dying  man,  and  that  the  most 
serious  and  affecting  solemnity  became  me.  Finished  the 
Missionary  accounts,  and  glad  1  am,  for  they- have  taken 
up  my  time  so  much  this  week,  they  have  drawn  me 
away  from  study,  reading,  and  prayer.     1  desire  thank- 


168  JOURNAL.  [1804 

fully  to  acknowledge  that  it  is  the  Lord's  mercy,  and  I 
trust  through  the  intercession  of  Christ,  that  I  am  not 
cut  down  as  a  cumberer  of  the  ground. 

7.  (Sunday.)  On  my  road  home  from  Staplrford, 
it  was  the  querulous  inquiry  of  my  heart,  '*  Who  will 
shew  me  any  good  ?  "  I  could  not  but  perceive  the 
necessity  of  entirely  disregarding  all  created  delights, 
and  amongst  them,  the  communion  of  saints,  so  far  as 
to  be  able  to  live  happily  in  the  enjoyment  of  God.  But 
without  tasting  this  enjoyment  at  the  instant,  it  is  very 
trying  to  faith,  to  resign  all  things  else.  But  as  a 
missionary,  how  strongly  am  I  called  upon  to  do  this. 
Qod  is  indeed,  I  know  and  feeU  an  alKsufficient  portion, 
but  unless  he  is  near,  how  mdancholy  is  my  life  lik<% 
to  be,  for  how  slow  is  my  heart  to  seek  him,  how  8oon~ 
tired  with  spiritual  meditation.  Found  some  sweetness 
at  church,  but  mixed  and  spoiled  at  last,  by  a  great 
deal  of  vanity.  Read  some  of  Thomas  k  Kempis,  and 
the  Olney  Hymns. 

8.  Morning  was  takea  up  by  sermon,  on  which  I 
was  obliged  continually  to  fix  my  steady  attention,  and 
though  I  got  on  very  little,  yet  I  was  not  dissatisfied, 

.as  it  was  not  through  idleness.  S —  gave  me  a  letter 
:from  Mr.  Brown  of  Calcutta,  which  gave  me  great 
delight  on  many  accounts.  Speaking  of  me,  he  says, 
*  Jjcthim  marry,  and  come  out  at  once.'  I  thought  of 
Lydia  with  great  tenderness :  but  without  pain  at  my 
determination  to  go  out  smgle.  Found  great  aflFec- 
tion  in  prayer  for  my  dear  brethren  at  Calcutta,  for  the 
establishiog  of  Christ's  kingdom  among  the  poor  Gen- 
tiles, and  for  my  being  sent  among  them,  if  it  were  his 
;  will.  But  O  that  I  had  zeal  to  labour  more  for  the 
benighted  people  among  whom  I  minister.  Well,  I 
trust  God  will  hold  up  my  hands,  and  help  me  to  be 
that  active  holy  minister  of  God,  from  being  which  I  am 
yet  so  far  distant.  Read  some  of  the  Bengalee  Gram- 
mar at  night,  and  learnt  some  of  the  beginning  of 
2  Corinthians. 

9.  Greatly  distracted  in   prayer   this   morning.     I 


1804]  JOURNAL.  169 

manifestly  wanted  to  be  about  something  else,  and 
to  have  done  after  having  satisfied  my  conscience. 
But  it  pleased  God  to  convince  me  of  my  wicked- 
ness, and  to  teach  me  to  call  upon  him  faithfully. 
Read  to  my  bed-maker  the  11th  of  Luke ;  found  my 
mind  solemnized,  but  what  little  reason  have  I  ever  to 
be  satisfied  either  with  the  matter  or  manner  of  what  I 
say  to  her,  or  to  any,  on  the  subject  of  their  souls. 
Setting  to  my  work  of  writing  a  sermon  to-night  with 
some  zeal,  my  heart  was  exceedingly  enlivened  at 
looking  through  time  into  eternity,  and  seeing  nothing 
but  works  of  love  to  be  done.  **  Sweet  is  the  work  1 
my  God,  my  King  ! " 

1 1 .  Received  a  letter  this  morning  firom  K — ,  which 
melted  me  into  tears  of  penitence ;  I  know  not  what 
spirit  I  was  of  when  I  wrote,  and  now  that  he  has 
answered  so  mildly  and  patiently,  I  am  struck  with  his 
vast  superiority  in  Cinristian  attainments.  My  selfish- 
ness and  uncharitableness  made  me  appear  quite  loath- 
some to  mysdf,  and  I  wrote  in  a  spirit  of  great  self- 
abhorrence.  Thinking  of  his  letter  and  answering  it, 
took  up  the  whole  evening.  In  a  short  walk  met  with 
—  who  is  still  gravely  trifling  along  the  path  of  life.  I 
strove  to  retain  that  penitentml  spirit  which  I  was  con* 
scious  became  me,  and  which  was  exceeding  conducive 
to  spirituality. 

Thinking  my  mind  was  in  need  of  recreation,  I  took 
up  Lord  Teignmouth's  Life  of  Sir  William  Jones,  and 
read  till  tea.  At  church  my  heart  was  softened  by  the 
precious  ]^eaid  of  mercy. 

How  soon  a  season  of  htmiiliation  is  at  an  end, 
though  the  occasion  remains.  I  am  soon  returned  to 
self-complacency.  In  my  walk  out,  did  not  use  any 
restraint  in  my  thoughts,  as  my  mind  and  body  were 
greatly  fatigued  with  sitting  up  so  late ;  though  happily 
they  did  not  go  far  from  God. 

14.  (Sunday.)  The  morning,  dark  and  lowering, 
rartier  depressed  my  spirits ;  so  easily  does  any  outward 
circumstance  affect  me,  but  by  faith  and  prayer  I  soon 


170  JOURNAL.  [1804 

got  beyond  present  things.  Many  times  to-day,  as  on 
other  days,  I  have  had  great  difficulty  in  endeavouring 
to  maintain,  or  pray  for,  the  two  graces  of  fervour  ^nd^ 
humility  at  the  same  time.  I  cannot  be  happy  a 
moment,  without  some  conviction  of  my  own  worth* 
lessness,  and  it  is  for  the  honour  of  God  that  I  should 
be  fervent  in  spirit.  Received  a  letter  from  — ^,  which 
filled  me  with  grief  and  disappointment ;  not  one  word 
of  any  kind  on  the  subject  of  religion.  At  Lolworth 
preached  on  Isaiah  Ixiii.  1 .  In  prayer  before  and  after  the 
sermon,  I  enjoyed  the  happy  presence  of  God,  in  whom 
I  found  I  could  be  glad,  though  Israel  was  not  gathered ; 
and  though  the^people,  as  appeared  by  the  smallness  of  the 
congregation,  did  not  appear  to  like  my  preaching  quite 
as  much  as  I  thought  they  ought.  Calling  on  several 
after  church,  I  found  whole  families  had  absented  them- 
selves on  frivolous  excuses ;  to  one  man  and  his  wife  I 
gave  a  very  awful  warning,  and  feU  as  if  I  spoke  from 
God  ;  promised  S  to  come  on  Wednesday,  to  read 

and  pray  with  some  people  at  his  house.  Now  God 
grant  that  this  may  be  the  means  of  stirring  up  some 
attention  to  religion  among  them  !  On  my  ride  home  I 
was  beginning  to  be  very  much  dejected  about  passing  my 
life  in  such  solitary  scenes,  and  having  to  do  with  obsti* 
nate,  ignorant  people.  But  oh,  I  thought,  Christ  is  very 
patient  in  teaching  me.  My  peace  returned  by  this 
consideration  ;  I  had  nothing  to  do  with  events ;.  it  was 
my  simple  business  to  do  his  will ;.  it  is  in  his  power  to 
convert  men,  and  if  he  does  not  by  my  minisUy*.!  niaj 
still  rejoice  in.him>  My  happiness  and  busii\^s  is  pri- 
vate communion  with  God ;  there  diligence  wiU  never  be 
disappointed.  All  the  rest  of  the  evening  my  soul 
enjoyed  much  love  and  joy.  Had  I  been  more  free 
from  the  world,  and  vanity,  and  self,  it  would  have 
been  more  pure  and  lasting.  The  circumstances  of 
public  worship,  sight  of  so  many  pious  souls,  singing 
with  them,  &c.,  animate  the  religious  affections  in  a 
manner ;  yet  I  seldom  find  them  genuine  ;  I  am  more 
frequently   persuading  myself  I  am  enjoying  spiritual 


1804]  JOURNAL.  171 

things,  than  really  enjoying  them.  If  at  any  time,  as  to* 
night  at  church,  I  can  think  of  God,  as  one  alone  with 
me,  I  find  divine  pleasure  to  be  something  very  diffe- 
rent ;  that  debases  self,  holds  up  mse,  clear,  powerful 
views  of  things,  and  produces  serious  conduct.  Mr. 
Simeon,  in  his  excellent  sermon  to-night,  observed,  that 
it  was  more  easy  for  a  minister  to  preach  and  study  five 
hours,  than  to  pray  for  his  people  one  half  hour ;  Uiis  I 
believe,  and  that  it  arises  from  unbelief.  So  much 
:ti«e  passed  ia  prayer,  seems  thrown  away,  when  we 
might  have  bestowed  it  in  reading  or  visiting.  When  I 
pray  for  my  people,  it  is  more  because  I  ought  to  do  it, 
than  vdsh  for  it.  Perhaps  it  is  to  sUr  up  my  soul  to 
the  habit  and  spirit  of  prayer  and  supplication,  that  God 
gives  gae  not  -to  see  the.  legst  fruity  but  things.jaithec 
getting,  worse.  But  I  have  really  need  first  to  pray  for 
a  heart  to  pray  for  them. 

15.     In  writing  to this  morning,  my  heart 

was  filled  with  abhorrence  of  that  Evil  Spirit  who  is 
endeavouring  to  deceive  her  as  he  does  the  nations, 
and  I  longed  to  spend  and  be  spent,  if  I  might  be  the 
means  of  demolishing  his  strong  holds.  O,  when  shall 
the  kingdoms  of  this  world  become  the  kingdoms  of 
God  and  of  his  Christ.  O  that  I  might  be  a  fellow- 
worker  with  Christ,  I  perceive  in  some  degree,  when 
darkness  is  a  little  removed  from  my  own  eyes,  that  the 
prince  of  the  power  of  the  air  now  ruleth,  but  Christ 
came  to  destroy  him,  and  restore  us  to  God  and  happi- 
ness ;  and,  my  soul  I  what  hast  thou  ta  do  with  ease, 
when  Christ  who  came  from  heaven  in  such  love,  is 
waiting  for  ministers  like-minded  ?  What  hast  thou  to 
do  with  the  body,  with  the  things  of  time  and  sense  ? 
They  are  not  thy  business ;  they  would  be  in  a  measure, 
wert  thou  not  a  minister,  but  now  thou  hast  nothing  to 
do,  but  to  stand  between  the  dead  and  the  living.  In  my 
walk  out,  I  could  speak  only  in  praise  ;  the  145th 
Psalm  was  very  suitable  to  my  feelings.  From  dinner 
till  supper  I  was  employed  in  visiting  and  catechizing 
the  children.     After  supper  read  the  Bengalee  letters. 


172  JOURNAL.  [1804 

and  before,  Sir  W.  Jones's  Life.  Lost  in  the  course  of 
this  time  almost  all  those  views  of  things  I  had  in  the 
morning,  and  found  myself  just  in  my  usual  frame ; 
averse  to  the  duties  of  the  ministry ;  but  God  in  his 
mercy  restored  them  in  answer  to  ejaculatory  prayer. 
Now  I  approve  the  things  that  are  excellent,  but  my 
faith  is  weak.  I  tremble,  lest  the  body  should  tempt 
me  as  it  always  does,  to  consult  its  ease.  But,  Lord, 
help  my  unbelief;  help  me  to  launch  boldly  forth  at  thy 
command^  into  a  life  of  unremitted  diligence  and  zeal, 
and  to  believe  that  as  my  day  is,  so  shall  my  strength 
be. 

16.  In  the  course  of  the  morning  was  plagued  with 
my  old  temper,  at  the  thought  of  the  evening  class- 
meeting;  but  by  prayer  two  or  three  times,  I  was 
restored  to  a  right  sense  of  things. 

Endeavoured  to  consider  Isaiah  xlix,  and  read  the 
other  chapters  following,  with  great  delight ;  my  heart 
was  rather  drawn  out  for  the  prosperity  of  Zion,  but  I 
wanted  a  poor  and  contrite  spirit.  Went  to  the  society 
and  found  Mr.  Simeon  ;  during  the  hymn,  and  reading 
of  Psalm  xxii.,  in  which  he  pointed  out  the  necessity  of 
praise^  I  was  in  a  frame  of  great  joy,  and  in  prayer  I 
scarcely  ever  had  my  heart  more  full  of  praise ;  I  could 
only  speak  in  the  language  of  praise  ;  yet  did  my  wicked 
heart  pride  itself  on  being  in  this  state.  Read  Sir  W. 
Jones's  Life  in  the  evening;  O,  the  misery,  vanity,  and 
folly  of  the  best  of  a  worldly  man's  life  ;  in  all  his  plans 
of  study,  which  should  embrace  every  subject  of  human 
attention,  religion  bears  no  place ;  they  seem  to  fancy 
religion  and  virtue  to  be  the  same  thing ;  they  abstain 
from  a  few  vices,  and  say  a  few  prayers,  in  the  same 
spirit  that  a  child  repeats  its  lesson  to  a  schoolmaster, 
fearing  his  punishment  or  expecting  his  reward.  Oh, 
ye  philosophers,  poets  and  scholars,  whither  are  ye 
gone.  What  avails  it  that  you  lived  on  that,  human 
praise  you  so  greatly  desired?  Let  me  with  ^wonder 
adore  the  mercy  of  God  in  giving  me  to  see.thp  folly 
and  misery  of  a  life  devoted  to  the  most  diligent  studies. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  173 

May  I  never  again  be  taken  in  the  snare.     How  mean 
does appear  in  my  view,  compared  with  Brainerd. 

17.  After  dinner  walked  to  Lolworth,  thinking  on 
the  subject  I  was  to  speak  on ;  went  to  Smiths  house, 
where  there  were  about  ten  people,  and  as  many  chil- 
dren assembled.  We  sung  a  hymn,  and  I  then  ex* 
plained  the  parable  of  the  barren  fig-tree.  In  the  midst 
of  the  prayer,  a  man  fell  down  and  was  carried  out,  and 
our  meeting  ended ;  the  man  was  young  and  of  a  dull 
disposition,  and  had  never  a  fit  of  any  kind  before,  and 
the  room  was  by  no  means  warm  ;  I  did  not  much  like 
the  event,  instantly  recollecting  the  Methodist  accounts. 
As  the  people  stood  round  him,  for  he  sat  in  a  chair  in 
the  open  air,  I  took  care  to  say  nothing  to  him  about 
religion,  kst  I  should  give  countenance  to  what  I  fore- 
see  will  be  said  of  this.  I  think  I  shall  apply  to  my 
Rector  for  an  evening  lecture  on  Wednesdays.  Mr. 
C —  gave  me  very  pertinent  advice ;  he  told  me  that  my 
preaching  would  not  do  at  all  for  this  place,  and  what 
was  more,  the  language  was  seldom  such  as  the  people 
could  understand.  This  much  dejected  me  all  the  rest 
of  the  evening,  because  I  was  told  of  my  faults,  and  did 
not  like  to  find  I  was  so  little  esteemed  by  my  hearers ; 
yet  I  am  bound  to  bless  the  Lord  for  every  additional 
ray  of  truth  that  he  sends  me.  Read  Sir  W.  Jones's 
Life  at  night,  and  was  better  pleased  with  his  character. 

18.  O  the  vanity  and  unprofitableness  of  the  day 
in  which  there  is  no  exercise  of  heavenly*mindedness ! 
What  signifies  every  thing  that  happens  outwardly,  if  I 
am  not  fomiliar  with  the  things  which  lie  between  God 
and  my  own  soul  ?  At  church  had  a  longing  desire  for 
the  coming  of  Christ^  kingdom,  and  asked  myself  how 
is  it  possible  I  have  not  striven  in  prayer  for  the  mani- 
festation of  his  glory  among  all  men  ?  Yet  in  my  room 
afterwards  these  desires  had  subsided,  though  in  reading 
Scripture  my  heart  was  engaged,  and  I  resolved,  if 
nothing  prevents,  to  appropriate  some  hours  to-morrow 
to  special  prayer  and  meditation. 

19.  Read  some  of  the  lives  of  Ansdm,  Bernard,  &c. 


174  JOURNAL.  [1804 

this  mornitigy  at  intervals  of  leisure.  I  cannot  help. ad- 
miring those  holy  men  who  retired  to  a  convent,  and 
lived  in  the  exercise  of  such  elevated  devotion  ;  and  the 
consideration  of  it  tends  to  quicken  me  to  spirituality 
and  love  of  God*  From  one  to  five,  I  was  engaged, 
according  to  my  intention,  in  prayer  and  reading,  for 
the  first  hour  I  was  tolerably  fixed  in  prayer,  chiefly  in 
humiliation  and  intercession.  For  my  dear  sister,  I 
wrestled  with  more  earnestness  than  I  have  yet  done  for 
any  one,  but  yet  I  have  reason  to  be  astonished  and 
grieved  at  the  insensibility  of  my  heart.  The  rest  of 
the  time  passed  in  learning  the  Epistle  to  the  Hebrews, 
and  praying  for  the  church.  My  soul  enjoyed  much 
seriousness  at  times,  but  there  was  much  wandering  and 
coldness  upon  me.  Went  to  a  class,  where,  in  reading 
the  last  chapter  of  Revelations,  and  in  prayer,  I  was 
filled  with  love  and  joy,  so  much  that  I  was  very  un- 
willing to  leave  off. 

20.  The  carnal  spirit,  this  morning,  was  subdued 
by  prayer.  In  the  afternoon,  finished  Sir  W.  Jones*s 
life.  My  mind  was  much  impressed  by  some  things  in 
it  of  the  grandeur  of  God,  so  that  when  I  kneeled  in 
prayer,  my  soul  was  filled  with  veneration.  At  night, 
in  bed,  was  greatly  disordered,  my  head  was  as.  t^sdess 
on  the  pillow  as  after  long  and  intense  study.  I  thought 
upon  death  as  perhaps  near,  without  alarm,  though  with- 
out pleasure ;  with  a  sort  of  melancholy. 

21.  (Sunday.)  Rose  Iate»  and  stupid  through  lying 
too  long  in  bed ;  I  could  not  but  abhor  myself  for  the 
loss  of  such  precious  time,  when  I  might  have  been 
early  interceding  for  souls,  and  preparing  my  own  spirit 
for  the  service  of  the  day  ;  the  bitter  reflection  on  my 
unprofitableness  much  dejected  me.  Low  spirits  at 
church,  through  being  about  to  preach  old  sermons, 
which  I  feel  so  ashamed  of  offering  to  God,  that  I  be- 
lieve I  shall  rather  leave  every  thing  undone,  than  not 
write  one  new  one  at  least  every  week.  Had  an  hour 
to  myself  before  evening  church,  in  which  my  soul  got 
comfort  from  prayer  and  reading  hymns.     I  looked  up 


1804]  JOURNAL.  175 

to  Christ  for  grace  to  enable  me  to  live  independent  of 
those  delightful  ordinances^  I  was  about  to  partake  of, 
and  to  be  ready  at  his  command  to  be  sent  out  to  some 
dark  place  to  teach  one  poor  creature,^  and  to  wander  in 
a  dreary  desert.  In  endeavouring  to  feel  how  good  it 
was  to  be  thus  the  servant  of  my  Lord,  I  found  fellow^ 
ship  with  him ;  there  was  not  much  joy,  but  I  was  fully  , 
assured  of  the  reality  of  the  communion.  I  felt  the 
utmost  dread  and  abhorrence  of  any  sin,  while  he,  my 
friend  and  my  master,  was  thus  looking  upon  me.     At 

churchy   I  enjoyed  the  presence  of  Christ.       *        * 

#  ♦  ♦  ♦ 

22.  Prayed  this  morning,  that  I  might  delight  in  the 
prospect  of  the  social  worship  I  was  this  day  to  ei^age 
in,  and  of  every  spiritual  duty ;.  in  which  I  was  answered, 
I  think.  At  four,  I  catechized  the  children,  and  from 
thence  went  home  and  prayed.  Loitered  and  wasted  my 
time  after  supper.  Yet  my  soul  is,  I  hope,  gaining 
ground  in  the  path  of  duty. 

23.  Having  no  particular  ministration,  I  expected 
much  reading  and  profit.  But  very  soon  my  perverse  will 
was  contradicted  by  conscience.  I  wanted  to  be  at  one 
study,  when  duty  called  ^le  to  another.  Very  unwil* 
lingly  left  the  Bengalee,  and  MilnerV  Church  History,  for 
writing  sermon.  —  called,  and  vexed  me  very  much,  by 
what  I  thought  at  the  time,  great  folly ;  presently  after- 
wards, my  pride  and  vanity  were  wounded  by  little  circum- 
stances, quite  harmless  in  themselves.  Walked  out, 
fretting  with  what  I  called  the  great  folly  of  mankind. 
In  the  midst  of  my  misery^  I  tried  to  think  of  Jesus, 
how  he  might  have  scorned  the  ignorance  of  men,  how 
his  patience  m^ht  have  been  wearied  out  with  me.  But 
it  was  not  till  I  learnt  some  of  Psalm  cxix.  that  I  could 
return  to  a  prx)per  spirit.  I  then  went  and  assisted  F. 
in  Newton.  On  my  return  home,  being  utterly  averse 
to  any  exertion  of  mind,  which  seemed  jaded,  I  fell  upon 
my  knees  before  God,  and  found  my  spirit  revive  a 
little.  Yet  I  found  it  necessary  to  read  Bengalee,  as 
requiring  less   thought.     Afterwards,  I   was  about  to 


176  JOURNAL.  [1804 

begin  the  Lord's  work  gladly,  when  a  most  disagreeable 
man  came  and  staid  an  hour  and  a  half.  I  was  ex* 
ceedingly  galled,  but  spoke  seriously  of  religion  to  him. 
I  continued  afterwards,  to  a  very  late  hour,  thinking 
and  writing  on  a  subject.  Thomas  k  Kempis  says, 
*  We  ought  to  praise  God,  for  seasons  of  darkness,*  but 
so  clearly  has  my  own  wicked  heart  been  the  cause  of 
this  day's  unhappiness,  that  I  have  nothing  to  do,  but 
humble  myself. 

24.  Calls  of  different  men  prevented  me  from  doing 
any  thing,  but  read  Thomas  k  Kempis  and  Flores  Ber« 
nardi  a  little,  till  two  o'clock. 

25.  Rose  early,  and  passed  the  time  till  my  pupils 
came,  in  writing  to  my  sister.  With  them  I  was  rather 
more  serious,  but  my  conversation  was  by  no  means 
**  in  meekness  of  wisdom/*  Walked  out,  and  tasted  at 
times  great  joy  and  peace,  in  the  presence  of  God  ;  but 
at  last  found  that  humiliation  was  more  suitable  to  my 
state,  and  in  this  temper  I  enjoyed  much  true  happiness. 
Some  friends  with  me  in  the  afternoon,  but  I  was  care- 
less, and  so  the  time  passed  unprofitably.  My  spirit 
groaned  in  prayer  afterwards,  at  my  constant  unpro* 
fitableness,  and  I  went  to  church  reflecting  on  my  worth- 
lessness  and  corruption.  How  unworthy  am  I  to  be 
found  among  God's  people. 

26.  It  is  a  trouble  with  me,  every  hour  of  every  day, 
to  get  my  thoughts  to  God.  Scarcely  ever  is  my  mind 
at  rising,  meekly  devout.  Commenced  my  work  of 
writing,  in  the  fear  of  God,  and  the  humbling 'sense  of 
my  own  utter  unfruitftilness,  but  advanced  very  little. 
After  dinner,  I  called  on  two  sick  persons,  with  one  of 
whom  I  prayed.  At  my  return  to  my  rooms,  took  up 
Bengalee.  Having  occasion  to  consult  Jon.  Edwards 
on  Redemption,  I  was  much  arrested  by  the  conclusion 
of  it, — O  eternity !  how  real.  My  soul  trembled  lest 
amid  the  glory  of  the  last  day,  I  should  be  found  un- 
worthy of  partaking  in  it,  and  but  for  Christ  what  should 
I  do? 

27.  Rose  early,  learnt  some  scripture,  and  walked. 


1804]  JOURNAL*  177 

Wrote  a  little  of  sermon  before  pupils  came,  with  fre- 
quent interruptions.  C.  sat  with  me  an  hour  before 
dinner,  and  gave  me  much  encouragement.  In  my  walk 
met  T — ,  with  whom  I  thought  it  right  not  to  be  press- 
ing on  the  subject  of  religion.  After  dinner,  some 
friends  sat  with  me  till  near  eight.  My  heart  was  occa- 
sionally full  of  joy.  At  night,  in  prayer,  Satan  sent  one 
of  his  fiery  darts  into  my  thoughts,  by  means  of  the 
imagination  which  almost  drank  up  my  spirit ;  but  I 
cried  fervently  for  deliverance,  casting  the  sin  upon  the 
Devil,  and  my  self  upon  the  Lord,  and  found  him  come 
to  my  peace  and  composure. 

28.  Vide  Memoir.      ^ 

29.  Rose  early,  lost  time  in  reading  Watts,  from 
whom  I  seldom  get  a  new  thought.  Abridged  some 
parts  of  Edwards  on  Sin.  The  rest  of  the  morning  was 
taken  up  by  pupils  and  Major  S — .  An  hour  and  a  half 
I  passed  with  two  Mck  people,  one  of  whom,  a  dying  man, 
was  awakened  to  a  sense  of  sin,  and  the  other,  a  daughter 
of  the  Lord  Almighty.  With  the  former  I  was  enabled 
to  pray  more  fervently  than  the  latter.  In  the  midst 
of  confusion,  of  calls  of  friends  and  worldly  business,  I 
was  beginning  to  fed  some  reluctance  to  visit  them  ;  but 
very  soon  my  soul  found  it  good  to  go,  as  the  messen- 
ger of  peace,  and  minister  to  the  departing  spirit.  In 
my  walk  had  more  joy  than  peace,  too  little  humility 
and  too  great  elation  of  spirits,  chiefly  because  I  was  to 
dine  at  — ^'s,  with  my  dear  Christian  friends.  But  in- 
deed it  was  a  most  unprofitable  meeting  for  us ;  I  went 
away  for  an  hour  to  catechise  the  children,  but  staid 
two  hours  afterwards,  in  order  to  be  with  Major  8. 
I  blame  my  dear  brethren,  but  much  more  myself, 
for  not  introducing  spiritual  things,  their  minds  seemed 
engaged  very  much  in  this  business,  but  mine  was 
free  and  joyiful,  and  I  ought  therefore  to  have  been 
forward  in  such  conversation.  I  tremble  for  this  place, 
lest  the  candlestick  should  be  removed.  Oh  that  the 
spirit  of  prayer  and  intercession  may  be  po\u*ed  out 
upon  me,  that  all  my  own  lukewarmness,  and  the  sor- 

N 


178  JOURNAL.  [1804 

rows  of  Zion,  may  be  removed  by  a  pi'ayer^heariBg 
God. 

30.  Another  day  has  passed,  and  I  am  nearer  eter- 
nity. Oh  that  I  could  dwell  in  eternity,  amidst  the  dis- 
tracting avocations  of  time.  There  seems  a  certain 
strangeness  in  my  mind  to  it,  as  if  I  had  thought  but 
little  of  another  world  this  day.  Employed  till  pupils 
came,  in  thinkii^  of  sermon  and  Bengalee  grammar ; 
consented  to  take  another  pupil.  Walked  out  rather 
confused,  but  was  soon  able  to  think  of  sermon,  with 
my  mind  breathing  freely  the  air  of  religion ;  being 
enabled  to  see  that  the  work  of  the  ministry  and  pre- 
paring for  another  world,  were  my  whole  business. 
Dined  at  — 's  with  Major  S — ,  my  own  spirit  was 
light,  and  the  conversation  in  general  unprofitable.  In 
my  rooms  afterwards,  much  in  prayer,  and  had  free 
meditation  on  sermon.  Read  a  little  of  Bengalee,  and 
at  night  some  choruses  of  Sophocles,  and  Lucretius,  in 
order  to  examine  a  pupil.  It  is  astonishing  what  a 
snare  such  reading  is  to  me ;  but  I  returned  to  the  Bible» 
not  unfitted  for  enjoying  it,  as  was  once  the  case.  In 
reading  to  — ,  felt  condemned  by  the  words,  that  '^  men 
should  pray  always,  and  not  faint/'  Christ  prepared 
himself  for  the  ministry,  by  long,  and  constant,  and 
fervent  prayers*  So  should  I  lose  less  time  in  endea- 
vouring to  write,  if  my  mind  were  more  spiritualized  by 
prayer. 

31.  My  mind  was  spiritual  this  morning,  and  my 
heart  towards  God.  I  was  scarcely  alone  tiU  the  time 
of  taking  a  walk.  At  church  I  was  guilty  of  great 
irreverence,  from  having  been  in  light  conversation  just 
before,  and  felt  the  guilt  of  it  in  prayer  afterwaj^ds,  at 
which  time  my  mind  was  solemnized.  After  dinner, 
and  a  short  prayer,  I  went  forth  with  satisfaction  and 
pleasure,  to  the  work  of  visiting  the  sick.  I  called  on 
and  prayed  with  two,  and  sat  awhile  with  B«  In  my 
rooms  afterwards,  I  found  my  mind  spiritually  alive  to 
God,  though  amid  much  struggling  of  sinful  temper,  pf 
which  hateful  sin  .may  the  lK>rd  make  me  ashamed.     I 


1804]  JOURNAL.  179 

have  more  occaaion  to  strive  against  it  in  secret,  thaa 
before  men.     It  is  seldom  I  can  enjoy  a  meek  spirit* 

Nooember  i.  My  heart  towards  God  at  rising,  and 
in  a  short  walk  had  a  watchM  sense  of  divine  presence 
after  prayer.  With  pupils,  not  at  all  gnarded  enough 
yet.  On  account  of  the  ill  behaviour  of  — ,  mv  heart 
was  filled  with  impatience.  I  walked  out  in  this  tem« 
per,  and  though  besides  this  I  was  assaulted  with  evil 
thoi^hts,  yet  in  all  my  misery  and  sin,  I  simply  cast 
mysdf  into  the  iGduntain  of  Christ's  blood,  and  found 
peace.  To  bring  my  mind  to  sobriety  and  deadness  to 
the  world,  I  repeated  Isaiah  liii.  with  much  effect.  At 
church  at  night  my  soul  was  touched  with  devotion. 
How  precious  was  the  presence  of  God,  after  so  much 
intercourse  with  his  creatures !  Mr«  S.  told  me,  that  if 
I  were  on  the  Bengal  establishment,  my  salary  would  be 
£1200  a  year.  I  told  Parish  that  I  remembered  hi^ 
words,  that  I  should  be  in  danger  of  worldly->minded« 
ness.  At  present  I  feel  no  desire  after  the  riches  of  the 
world. 

2.  Laboured  in  prayer  this  morning  for  a  right 
spirit  of  seriousness  without  pride,  and  was  enabled  to 
sit  down  to  my  work  with  a  watchful  sense  of  God's 
presence.  Widi  my  pupils  rather  better,  but  by  no 
means  sufficiently  self-governing.  In  my  walk  out  I 
was  thinking  of  Lydia,  and  the  possibility  of  my  having 
a  competency ;  but  I  felt  scarcely  the  least  wish  for  a 
settlement  of  this  world,  and  I  found  that  I  could  decide 
between  marriage  and  celibacy  with  simple  reference  to 
God's  glory,  and  my  general  usefulness.  In  the  after-^ 
noon  enjoyed  solemn  thoughts  in  prayer,  and  visited 
several  people,  and  among  them  one  poor  penitent  soul, 
with  whom  I  had  prayed  the  day  before  yesterday.  The 
desires  she  expressed  amidst  her  tears  were,  that  God 
would  change  her  heart,  and  forgive  her,  and  take  her 
to  his  mercy.  If  it  was  his  will  she  wished  to  leave  this 
world.  But  what  if  she  should  live  ?'^— I  asked  her.  She 
said  she  could  not  say  she  should  never  sin,  as  she  was 
constantly  liable ;  but  rather  than  turn  to  her  former 

N  ^ 


180  JOURNAL.  [1804 

vrays  she  would  be  cut  io  pieces.  I  was  much  affected 
with  pity,  and  preached  the  gospel  of  grace .  with  much 
delight  to  her.  In  my  rooms,  read  for  the  evening 
class,  and  prayed  with  my  heart  full  of  awful  thoughts'. 
At  the  class,  read  Luke  xvi.  and  prayed  with  some  so- 
lemnity.    Read  Bengalee  after  supper. 

3.  After  the  usual  business  of  the  e^^ing,  I  walked 
in  the  fellows'  garden,  thinking  on  sermon,  with  great 
fervor  of  spirit,  though  with  much  pride  and  want  of 
love.  After  dinner,  I  prayed  earnestly,  and  continued 
writing  sermon  till  late  at  night,  in  general  enjoying 
God's  presence,  and  looking  up  to  him,  to  correct  my 
spirit,  that  I  might  be  meek  and  tender,  and  might  write 
with  seriousness,  not  to  please  men  but  God.  It  was 
a  very  long  study,  but  a  pleasant  one :  I  kft  off  satisfied 
and  peaceful,  at  thinking  that  the  happiness  of  life  con- 
sisted in  communion  with  God,  of  which  none  could 
deprive  me ;  and  happy  also  and  peaceful,  at  the  prospect 
of  death,  not  far  off.  I  sometimes  tremble  at  not  having 
suffered  more  for  Christ ;  but  I  trust  I  am  ready  to  un- 
dergo it  all. 

4.  Endeavoured  to  recall  my  mind  from  its  usual 
wanderings,  by  looking  to  God,  to  prepare  me  for 
morning  prayer,  in  which  I  found  myself  solemnly  im- 
pressed ;  but  during  a  short  walk,  pride  gathered  a  cloud 
over  my  peace,  but  it  was  somewhat  brought  down 
again.  The  time  till  church  was  nearly  all  tidcen  up  in 
finishing  my  sermon.  During  the  morning  service  my 
heart  was  much  affected,  and  I  felt  rather  abstracted 
from  the  world,  and  happy  in  the  prospect  of  greater 
abstraction.  Mr.  Thomason  preached  on  Heb.  xii.  to 
my  edification.  Rode  to  Lolworth  with  Mr.  C.  and 
preached  there,  on  Acts  xvi.  29 — 31.  but  the  people 
were  inattentive.  I  was  in  consequence  much  dejected  on 
my  road  home,  and  afterwards ;  but  by  simply  looking 
up,  as  a  sinner  to  God,  I  found  an  awful  seriousness 
about  souls ;  and  at  church,  in  the  evening,  in  preaching 
the  same  sermon,  I  found  by  the  attention  of  the  people, 
that  the  fervor  of  my  spirit  yesterday,  had  been  conveyed 


1804]  JOURNAL.  181 

into  the  sermon.  I  came  to  my  rboms^  not  as  usual, 
flurried,  but  rejoicing  to  be  alone,  and  to  hold  commu- 
nion with  God.     Truly  God  is  good  to  me  1 

6*  A  day  in  which  I  have  suffered  much  painful 
temptation,  and  have  lost  much  precious  time.  My 
heart  was  puffed  up  by  thinking  of  my  sermon  yesterday, 
and  I  found  the  utmost  difficulty  to  get  it  out  of  my 
mind.  Read  and  finished  the  Bengalee  grammar  to-day. 
I  was  very  unwilling  to  take  up  the  Bible  to  learn  my 
portion  of  scripture  while  engaged  in  the  grammar,  but 
after  some  hesitation,  conscience  did  so  far  prevail. 
But  I  had  not  time  to  gain  true  views  of  things,  by  prayer 
before  —  came,  and  praised  my  sermon  in  most  extrava- 
gant terms.  I  was  tried  by  the  most  contemptible  vanity, 
yet  felt  myself  a  miserable  creature ;  a  thousand  times 
rather  would  I  have  had  all  my  most  disgraceful  sins 
published  to  my  shame.  Yet  after  prayer,  in  which  I 
could  appeal  to  God,  that  I  had  not  sought  my  own 
glory  in  writing  or  preaching  it,  I  walked  out  in  peace. 
The  passage,  **  and  they  shall  look  upon  him,  whom 
they  have  pierced,*'  &c.  was  very  useful  to  bring  me  to  a 
right  spirit.  In  the  afternoon,  catechised  about  fifty 
children,  and  called  on  a  woman  in  Wall's  Lane.  Went 
to  my  rooms,  expecting  to  do  much  in  the  many  pre- 
cious hours  tiiat  lay  before  me.  I  was  fervent  in  spirit 
at  first,  but  all  the  evening  and  night  passed  in  reading 
a  little  of  Hopkins,  and  writing  for  the  Christian  Ob- 
server. At  tea  time,  I^was  taking  up  some  book  pleas- 
ing and  amusing,  but  conscience  reminded  me,  of  giving" 
every  moment  which  I  did  not  need  for  recreation,  to 
the  word  of  God.  Thus  I  found  it  very  refreshing  and 
pleasant.  Oh  blessed  word  of  God  !  my  delight  would 
be  in  the  law  of  the  Lord,  if  I  meditated  in  it  day  and 
night. 

6.     My  heart  was  cold  and  unhappy  this  morning  ; 
but  by  long  and  diligent  prayer,  I  obtained  some  sense 
of  God's  presence.     Wrote  a  little  of  sermon  ;  but  for 
•  three  hours  got  on  so  little,  that  I  was  exceedingly  de- 
jected at  my  unprofitableness :  but  found  some  rdief  in 


182  JOURNAL.  [1804 

prayer.  The  thought  of  this  evening's  ministratioiis 
rather  oppressed  me.     Went  to  the  class  in   which 

Mr.  S.  officiated  throughout.     ^*s  insanity  affected 

me  very  awfully  to-day.  €rod  grant  that  my  pride  be 
not  levelled  with  the  beasts,  in  the  same  manner !  My 
heart  has  been  generally  overwhelmed  to-day,  but  Jesus 
is  very  precious  to  me,  who  "  came  into  the  world  to 
save  sinners,  of  whom  I  am  chief. '^ 

7*  This  morning,  read  one  thing  and  then  another, 
eager  to  get  some  increase  of  knowledge :  but  at  last 
fixed  on  the  Hebrew  Bible,  and  read  a  little  of  the 
beginning  of  Isaiah,  and  in  the  meantime  was  rather 
watchful  over  my  spirit.  At  church,  my  mind  in  the 
midst  of  prayer,  was  seized  with  repeated  approaches  to 
levity.  Oh  what  a  mercy  that  I  was  not  struck  dead  I 
♦  *  ♦  *  With  my  pupil,  I  was  calm, 

patient  throughout,  looking  to  Christ  as  my  example. 
In  my  walk,  tiie  character  of  Christ  on  earth  took  up  all 
my  thoughts,  and  I  felt  the  power  of  his  example.  My 
mind  was  serious  and  sorrowful,  and  I  hoped  I  should 
hereafter  walk  as  he  walked.  During  the  affc^moon, 
tiiough  tempted  to  vanity  and  levity,  I  was  hdped 
still  to  set  the  Lord  before  me,  and  fbund  it  of  rich 
and  unspeakable  advantage  to  me  in  my  intercourse 
with  others,  I  recollected  that  I  had  said  some^ 
thing  sarcastic  at  table,  tending  to  wound  the  mind  of 
one,  and  was  grieved  at  considering  how  unlike  it  was  to 
him.  Drank  tea  with  Mr.  and  Mrs.  B.  and  when  I  was 
verging  to  an  irreligious  frame  of  mind  and  mode  of 
conversation,  the  Spirit  again  brought  Christ  to  my 
remembrance,  and  made  me  eamesdy  desirous  to  be 
like  him,  in  all  holy,  humble,  spiritual,  edifying  conver- 
sation. All  the  rest  of  the  evening  I  was  employed,  if 
it  might  be  called  employment,  in  thinking  of  the  subject, 
*^  Ye  are  built  upon  the  foundation  of  the  apostles  and 
prophets,"  &c.  with  such  dulness  that  I  was  quite  de- 
jected. Indeed  I  am  a  poor  ignorant  wretch,  and  what 
to  do  I  hardly  know.  My  constant  uselessoess  in  God's 
creation,  and  perfect  unprofitableness,  overwhelm  my 


1804]  JOURNAL.  183 

soul.  And  God  8  forbearance  and  Christ's  tender  love, 
are  very,  very  precious  to  me.  How  happy  shall  I  be, 
in  the  eternal  world,  when  self,  and  all  its  pride,  and  sin, 
and  wretchedness  shall  be  forgotten,  and  God  alone 
have  all  praise  I    Amen,  so  be  it. 

8.  In  morning  prayer,  felt  a  most  ardent  desire,  the 
same  as  last  night,  to  be  out  of  doors  among  the  sick. 
So  aflber  writing  a  letter,  I  went  out  and  continued  till 
eleven.  One  man  and  his  wife,  1  was  almost  willing  to 
believe,  had  become  true  omverts.  At  one  house  I  met 
with  a  poor  sinful  woman  with  whom  I  mildly  reasoned, 
as  thinking  she  had  been  roughly  addressed  in  general, 
but  I  could  get  no  answa-,  fer  she  was  ashamed  to  hold 
up  her  head.  With  my  pupils,  endeavoured  to  set  the 
Lord  before  me,  not  with  so  much  effect  as  yesterday. 
Till  diurcfa,  went  about  with  Professor  Parish,  who  was 

canvassing  for  the  Jacksonian  profiessorship.       *        ^ 

#  «  «  *  *  ♦ 

^  *      Had  some  happy  meditations  in  the 

evening  at  my  room,  on  the  favour  of  God  to  my  soul, 
and  the  approach  of  death,  and  eternity,  and  was  earnest 
ia  prayer ;  and  was  still  chiefly  engaged  in  desiring  to 
set  the  Lord  always  before  me,  that  I  might  be  zealous 
for  souls  as  he  was. 

9.  Wrote  letters,  which  employed  me  till  my  pupils 
came.  Professor  Farish  coming  to  me  about  his  busi- 
ness, prevented  my  walking,  except  for  a  short  time  with 
friends,  among  whom  I  shewed  an  unholy  spirit.  In  the 
afternoon,  prayed  earnestly  over  1  Peter,  particularly 
*^  the  end  of  all  things  is  at  hand,  be  ye  therefore  sober.'* 
It  is  this  injunction  I  want  above  all  things,  to  practise 
to  be  sober  und  seriou9,  to  have  uncompromising  sin* 
eerity.  Most  of  the  evening  in  writing  letters  to  differ- 
ent M*  A.*s  for  Professor  Farish.  In  my  rooms,  began 
to  meditate  with  some  deU^t  on  the  glory  of  Zion,  the 
subject  of  my  intended  sermon,  but  advanced  Httk  or 
nodiittg  in  it. 

10.  Rose  very  early  after  an  almost  sleepless  night, 
and  continued  at  sermon  chiefly  till  eleven,  making  little 


184  JOURNAL.  .  [1804 

progress*  In  the  morning,  felt  resentment  at  Mr.  S* 
and  found  it  very  difficult  to  regain  a  right  spirit  in 
prayer.  But  at  length  I  felt  patient  and  forgiving.  In 
the  afternoon,  by  delaying  too  long  to  be^n  prjiyer, 
when  my  soul  was  disposed  to  it»I  lost  the  dpportuni^, 
by  others  coming  in  :  my  behaviour  was  thoughtless'/tb 
my  sore  vexation  and  grief  afterwards.  When  shall  I 
be  delivered  from  this  detestable  levity,  and  inconsis- 
tency I  Continued  at  sermon  all  the  rest  of  the  evening, 
in  great  dulness,  partly  arising  from  headache.  A  let- 
ter from  my  sister  to  day  was  very  affecting  to  me.  Oh 
that  it  would  please  God  to  reveal  Christ  to  her  I  At 
night,  I  seemed  to  enjoy  my  subject^  which  was,  the 
gradual  growth  of  God's  church. 

11.  (Sunday.)  Was  earnest  this  morning  in 
prayer,  as  I  generally  have  been  of  late,  on  the  morning 
of  the  Sabbath,  through  the  mercy  of  God  answering 
the  prayer  of  his  people.  Till  church,  I  was  again 
taken  up  in  writing  sermon.  My  natural  spirits  were 
high  at  church,  and  afterwards  rode  to  Stapleford,  in 
a  joyous  sort  of  spirit,  but  with  no  true  religion  in 
exercise.  Preached  on  2  Cor.  v.  20,  21.  The  congre- 
gation ill-behaved  and  inattentive.  Rode  home  sorrow- 
ful at  having  preached  with  no  more  life  and  zest,  and 
also  at  finding  myself  incessantly  tempted.  As  soon  as 
I  came  home,  I  continued  some  time  in  prayer  :  it  was, 
I  trust,  an  act  of  faith  in  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ.  My 
evil  heart  so  full  of  sin,  was  causing  me  to  depart  from 
God,  and  to  wait  till  I  had  a  better  frame ;  but  by 
immediate  application  for  pardon  and  grace  my  soul 
was  restored*  Afterwards  for  an  hour  before  church 
divine  things  were  awftdly  presented  to  my  mind,  and 
my  heart  was  earnest  towards  God.  The  world  waa 
gone,  my  thoughts  were  all  swallowed  up  in  the  ever- 
blessed  God.  Oh  how  swiftly  does  my  soul  advance  in 
holiness  at  such  seasons  !  Read  something  of  Watts', 
hoping  to  get  some  thoughts  of  eternal  things,  but 
found  it  unsatisfying.  Then  I  asked,  why  do  not  I 
consult  the  fountain  of  truth  ?  so  read  the  Psalms,  with  a 


1804]  JOURNAL.  Il 

bright  light  shining  upon  them.  At  church  aC  night, 
rather  declined  in  spirituality.  Went  into  hall,  with  a 
|ioly  determination  to  seize  any  opportunity  of  warning 
others  of  their  danger.  Why  is  not  my  soul  more 
serious  ?  I  see  such  strong  occasions  for  it,  from  with* 
out  and  within,  that  I  groan  at  not  being  able  to  main- 
tain a  steady  sobriety  and  tenderness.  May  the  Lord 
be  pleased  to  fix  this  in  my  mind,  that  I  am  in 
the  midst  of  dying  souls,  who  are  thronging  to  hell  1 
How  cruel !  how  impious  to  let  a  brother  perish  for 
yrant  of  warning  1  All  my  unhappiness  is,  that  I  should 
so  soon  become  carnal.  May  God  write.  Heaven,  Hell, 
Death,  and  Eternity  upon  every  object  I  see. 

12.  Felt  much  guilt  this  morning,  but  rose  from 
prayer  in  a  serious  humbled  spirit.  The  thought  of 
ever  having  been  the  means  of  making  a  fellow-creature 
miserable,  one  formed  for  the  glory  of  God,  both  in 
body  and  soul,  sunk  down  my  spirit  with  shame  and 
terror  to  the  dust.  Breakfasted  with  N ,and  conti- 
nued two  hours  about  mathematics,  then  visited  a  dying 
woman,  and  prayed  in  the  midst  of  many  people.  From 
that  time  pupils,  and  a  disagreeable  man,  who  to6k  up 
xny  time  after  dinner,  when  I  was  about  to  enjoy  a 
season  of  devotion,  catechising  children  and  then  pupil,, 
left  me  no  leisure  for  myself  till  near  seven.  I  was  in 
general  at  peace  and  earnest  in  prayer.  The  rest  of  the 
evening  wrote  with  great  slowness  and  inattention  some! 
sermon:  though  the  subject  furnished  me  with  many 
delightful  thoughts. 

13.  God  and  eternal  things  are  my  only  pleasure ; 
but  my  faith  is  exceedingly  weak.  At  breakfast  this 
morning,  I  found  a  happy  and  tranquil  enjoyment  of 
divine  meditation.  I  received  a  letter  from  the  French 
officer  Vivian,  the  answer  to  which  took  up  all  the 
morning.  I  endeavoured  to  send  a  summary  of  the 
Gospel;  and  added  some  exhortations  to  embrace  it.  In 
a  short  walk  out,  was  rather  confused  by  present 
things.  After  dinner,  a  party  of  religious  friends  were 
with  me,  I  prayed  repeatedly  before,  and  during  the 


/ 


186  JOURNAL.  [1804 

time,  that  I  might  be  like  Christ,  and  that  the  conver- 
sation might  be  such  as  becometh  saints.  It  was  tole- 
rably well,  not  idle,  yet  nothing  in  the  way  of  affection, 
and  feeling,  and  for  myself,  though  my  views  of  pro- 
priety of  conduct  were  clear,  and  my  heart  felt  the 
impcHtance  of  eternal  things,  I  was  very  often  subject  to 
vanity  and  levity.  A  little  before  seven  I  read  some  of 
the  word  of  God  seriously.  S*-  told  me  this  evening 
that  he  thoiJ^ht  there  was  scarcely  the  least  probability 
of  my  going  in  the  spring,  or  indeed  for  a  year  to  come. 
This,  together  with  some  other  little  sources  <tf vexation, 
made  me  very  unhappy  for  a  time.  But  I  made  a  sud- 
den effort  to  take  all  these  things  qiuetly,  considering 
that  these  are  the  very  seasons  to  exercise  faith. 

14.  Morning  employed  in  finishing  sermon  on 
Ephes.  ii.  19—21.  No  particular  enjoyment  of  divine 
things,  except  in  reading  some  of  the  Scriptures  at 
breakfiu»t,  and  afterwards  in  my  walk,  when  for  a  little 
my  soul  was  able  to  speak  to  Christ,  as  to  one  near. 
After  dinner  was  in  the  town,  and  called  on  one  sick 
man.  In  the  evening  I  began  to  grow  very  averse  to 
all  spiritual  reading  and  thoughts ;  but  I  simply  asked, 
what  is  it  right  I  should  do  ?  and  I  began  a  sermon, 
and  wrote,  by  consulting  Hopkins,  widi  freedom  all  the 
rest  of  the  evening. 

15.  Corruption  always  begins  the  day,  and  is  before- 
huid  with  grace,  but  morning  prayer  never  fails  to  set 
my  mind  in  a  right  frame.  R^  the  Acts  this  morning 
with  great  delight.  I  love  to  dwell  in  sacred  scenes, 
other  than  those  which  pass  before  me,  and  especially 
those  in  which  the  men  of  God  u«  concerned.  Passed 
the  morning  in  writing  sermon,  though  greatly  inter- 
rupted and  grieved  by  temptations.  In  the  afternoon 
after  prayer  visited  a  sick  woman.  A  few  friends  took 
tea  with  me.  X  fell  rather  into  levity,  though  I  was 
disposed  to  spiritual  convocation.  At  Trinity  church 
felt  my  heart  worldly  ;  unable  to  realize  eternity,  but  at 
last  I  did  find  my  heart  opened  a  little.  Preached  on 
Ephes.  ii.  19—21. 


1804]  JOURNAL*  187 

15.  My  soul  seems  to  be  enjoying  rest :  no  trials 
but  yet  DO  particular  engagement  ;-*-Iet  me  beware  of  a 
cdm.  Prayer  in  the  morning  changed  as  usual  my 
whole  mind.  The  morning  was  much  interrupted^  and 
I  was  peevish  and  idle.  Wrote  letters  on  Professor 
Parish's  business.  After  dinner  was  sent  for  by  Mrs. 
P^-*,  and  staid  there  and  at  Bate's  the  whole  afternoon. 
Happily  for  me  the  Lord  did  not  forsake  me, — all 
this  time  being  without  prayer.  In  the  evening  read 
Hojddns  on  the  first  and  fourth  commandment,  and 
Brown*s  Reflections  on  the  latter  chapters  of  Joshua, 
witii  much  pleasure,  and  more  ease  of  ideas ;  but  my 
heart  was  not  spiritual,  and  when  I  left  o£f,  I  thought 
with  great  regret,  of  the  poor  dying  soul  of  a  woman  I 
had  intended  to  visit.  But  it  is  a  happiness  to  my  soid, 
that  I  love  all  the  work  of  God«  I  have  no  damping 
doubts  as  formerly ;  it  seems  indifferent  to  me,  in  what 
I  am  employed,  so  it  be  for  my  God  and  Lord. 

17.  Had  determined  to  devote  this  day  to  fasting 
and  prayer,  which  I  very  much  need.  Had  a  peace* 
fol  mind  in  the  morning,  and  in  a  walk  before  bre^Jcfeist, 
great  delight  in  God,  and  in  prospect  of  being  with  him 
this  day ;  but  by  receiving  a  letter  from  .one  of  the 
electors  attributing  my  loss  of  his  vote  for  Parish,  to 
my  want  of  earnestness,  I  was  so  vexed  that  I  could  not 
recover  my  composure  and  peace  for  a  good  while.  Owing 
to  pupils,  &c.  I  was  not  left  alone  till  one,  when  I  walked 
a  little,  and  met  with  Mr.  Lloyd,  whose  conversation 
was  as  usual,  highly  spiritual  and  edifying.  When  I 
got  to  my  rooms,  I  continued  about  two  hours  in  prayer, 
witii  tolerable  steadiness,  solemnity,  and  seriousness, 
and  with  less  distraction  than  I  have  almost  ever  known. 
I  b^an  with  labouring  after  a  broken  heart,  but  staid  so 
long  at  it  in  vain,  that  I  was  obliged  to  proceed  to  other 
subjects,  which  were  chiefly,  intercession  fw  the  collie, 
nation,  my  two  sist^v,  and  my  brethren  in  the  ministry. 
Afterwards  I  read  some  Scripture  and  went  to  chapel, 
and  from  that  time  till  supper  was  visiting  the  sick.  At 
S3upper  and  after  supper,  I  let  slip  a  most  excellent 


/S 


188  JOURNAL.  [1804 

opportunity  of  speaking  on  an  important  subject,  from 
mere  heedlessness  and  want  of  thought ;  which  so  galled 
me  when  I  came  to  my  room,  that  I  was  quite  unhappy. 
44)»  (Sunday.)  The  morning  of  this  Sabbath  was 
less  happy  to  me  than  any  I  have  had  for  a  long  time^ 
and  it  is  just  the  one  in  which  I  expected  to  have 
enjoyment  undistracted,  as  having  no  unfinished  ser- 
mon to  oppress  me.  In  a  state  of  absence  from  God,  I 
went  to  prayer,  as  knowing  it  was  of  no  use  to  try  to 
restore  my'own  soul :  so  with  all  my  miseryand  iniquity 
I  cast  myself  upon  God,  and  found  the  return  of  peace, 
and  the  time  passed  in  general  happily,  in  reading  and 
praying  till  church,  where  during  some  parts  of  the 
service  I  spoke  as  to  God,  though  at  others  was  mise- 
rably distracted.  After  dinner  sat  in  my  rooms  endea- 
vouring to  recollect  the  events  of  my  early  life,  tiU 
afternoon  church,  where  I  enjoyed  great  delight.  I  was 
about  to  offer  to  Mr.  Thomason  to  preach,  but  I  heard 
him  on  Rom.  xii.  1 .  with  great  profit.  By  a  letter  from 
Major  S — to  him,  I  learnt  that  Mr.  Grant  had  no  doubt 
of  getting  me  nominated,  but  that  he  would  let  me 
know  positively,  about  the  latter  end  of  December.  I 
rejoiced  greatly  at  the  prospect  of  a  speedy  departure, 
feeling,  I  thought,  joy  and  delight  at  Uie  gathering  in 
of  the  Gentile  souls.  Yet  I  reasonably  suspected  myself. 
The  change  of  scene  and  sight  of  odier  countries,  cer- 
tainly are  agreeable  to  me ;  but  as  far  as  I  can  see,  they 
would  not  induce  me  to  resign  my  ease  and  my  life  : 
no,  I  believe  that  I  lay  down  these,  in  obedience  and 
conformity  to  Christ,  and  from  love  to  him  and  his 
elect ;  and  had  h  ten  thousand  lives,  my  calm  judg- 
ment, unruffled  by  dangers,  testifies,  that  they  ought  all 
to  be  spent  for  Christ.  But  when  the  trying  hour 
comes,  how  shall  I  feel  ?  Yet  I  have  that  promise, 
'*As  thy  day,  so  shall  thy  strength  be,"  &c.  En- 
joyed great  happiness  and  the  joys  of  heaven,  most  of 
the  rest  of  the  evening,  though  not  without  distraction. 
In  hall  at  supper  found  an  opportunity  of  declaring  very 
plainly,  the   necessity  of  intending  to  keep  all  God's 


1804]  JOURNAL.  189 

commandments^  in  order  to  the.  being  in  an  upright 
and  safe  state.     No  answer  was  made  me. 

19.  Was  distracted  in  prayer,  and  imable  to  feel  the 
presence  of  God  this  morning  in  prayer.  Read  6th  com- 
mandment  in  Hopkins,  and  began  sermon  on  it. 
Walked  a  little  in  Trinity  cloisters,  not  distressed  by 
corrupted  tempers,  but  yet  vain  in  my  thoughts,  for 
want  of  communion  with  God.  Passed  some  time  in 
prayer  with  much  seriousness,  yet  I  could  not  feel  that 
powerful  constraining  influence  to  holmess  of  tem-> 
per  which  the  Lord  at  times  vouchsafes.  Went  imme- 
diately after  dinner,  to  catechise  the  children ;  then 
after  taking  tea,  I  went  home,  and  was  employed  in 
writing  on  Professor  F's  business,  and  other  secular 
business  the  rest  of  the  evening. 

20.  Professor  Parish,  &c.  breakfasted  with  pie  early 

this  morning,  and  afterwards  N ,   who   continued 

till  late  in  the  morning,  for  assistance  in  mathematical 
siibjects.  At  a  little  interval  I  walked  with  great  head- 
ache, but  my  heart  seemed  affected  towards  God.  Was 
not  left  to  myself  till  after  dinner,  when  the  Lord  deli- 
vered me  from  a  temper  of  levity,  and  sloth,  and 
eartbly-mindedness,  by  bringing  .to  my  mind  the  exam- 
ple of  Christ,  always  serving  God  spiritually,  and  those 
words  of  his,  **.  What  could  ye  not  watch  with  me  one 
hour  ?  "  So  I  read  Isaiah  liii.  and  1st  Epistle  of  Peter, 
with  a  mind  delivered  for  a  while  from  present  things, 
but  from  delaying  prayer  too  long  was  interrupted.  Is 
this  serving  God  with  reverence  and  godly  fear  ?  After- 
wards went  to  visit ,  but  could  get  him  no  com- 
fort. So  I  desired  Mr.  Simeon  to  call.  The  rest  of 
the  evening  in  conversing  and  writing  letters.  My 
heart  was  not  in  visible  disorder  during  all  this,  but  it 
is  not  the  spiritual  life  that  Brainerd  led. 

2 1 .  H —  breakfasted  early  in  the  morning  before  his 
departure  :  in  my  rooms  till  eleven,  I  was  employed  in 
writing  to  my  sister.  At  church  in  morning  prayers,  I 
did  not  really  speak  to  God ;  pupils  left  me  but  a  short 
time  for  walking  before  dinner,  during  which  I  unwil- 


190  JOURNAL.  [1804 

lingly  met  with  — — .  After  dinner,  "by  beii^  at  Mpb; 
P — 's,  and  at  the  Physic  Schools  to  hear  Cope,  I  lost 
unexpectedly  a  season  of  reading  and  communion  with 
God|  and  was  with  B—  and  his  family  the  next  three 
hours.  I  hastened  to  my  rooms,  groaning  over  my 
unprofitableness,  and  impatient  to  be  em{:doyed ;  wrote 
sermon  till  nine,  when  I  went  to  Professor  Faoish's,  afk;er 
praying  that  our  conversation  might  not  be  so  unpro*^ 
fitable.  It  was  much  better  than  usual,  but  alas,  my 
own  corrupted  heart  wandered  in  vanity  and  folly.  How 
awful  to  reflect  that  our  Maker  was  among  us,  and 
beheld  our  eyes  and  hearts ;  how  fearful  the  sinfiilness 
of  every  day ! 

22.  Rose  in  painful  sense  of  my  unprofitableness ; 
but  this  conviction  led  me  to  God,  and  away  from  the 
world.  In  prayer,  and  in  the  morning  reading  of  the  Acts, 
found  my  heart  serious  and  tender.  Wrote  sermon  till 
pupils  came.  In  my  walk  out,  my  soul  held  commu- 
nion with  Jesus  Christ,  and  received  the  consolations 
of  the  Holy  Ghost,  which  I  felt  constrained  to  pray  for. 
'*  The  lo?e  of  Christ  constraineth  us,"'  was  a  text  much 
on  my  mind.  Why  did  not  this  holy,  heavenly  frame 
continue?  but  alasl  it  was  very  short-lived.  After 
dinner  I  sat  meditating  for  an  hour  on  the  past  events 
of  my  life  ;  but  was  afterwards  engaged  till  church,  by 
B —  and  P— .  Mr.  Simeon  preached  on  the  words, 
y  As  the  Father  hath  loved  me,  so  have  I  loved  you : 
continue  ye  in  my  love."  *  Christ's  love  resembles  the 
Father  s,'  he  said,  *  because  it  was  without  beginning, 
without  measure,  without  variation,  and  without  end.' 
The  subject  was  delightful  to  me.  An  hour  afterwards 
I  experienced  great  joy  and  love  to  Christ,  and  with 
great  delight  and  fervour  prayed,  that  I  might  not  only 
rejoice  in  him  myself,  (for  I  find  in  that  joy  a  great  deal 
of  selfishness  and  want  of  solidity,)  but  might  labour  as 
his  minister,  if  it  was  his  will,  among  the  poor  gentile 
nations.  I  longed  to  go,  especially  when  I  remem- 
bered, **  As  thy  day,'*  &c. 

Wrote  sermon  the  rest  of  the  evening,  and  was  sud- 


1804]  JOURNAL.  191 

deiily  humbled  much  at  something  iii  Hopkins.     I  have 
indeed  reason  to  go  mourning  all  my  days. 

23.  Through  shortness  of  time  I  was  about  to  omit 
my  morning  portion  of  Scripture,  yet  after  some  delibe* 
ration,  conscience  prevailed,  and  I  enjoyed  a  solemn 
seriousness  in  learning  *  Mem'  in  the  119th  Psalm* 
Wasted  much  time  afterwards  in  looking  over  an 
Arabic  Grammar.  In  my  walk  out,  was  much  im* 
pressed  with  a  sense  of  Good's  mercy,  in  having  made 
me  unlike  *  ♦  *  *  1  observed  them 
herding  together,  depending  on  one  another's  mirth  foe 
enjoyment,  while  it  was  the  very  life  and  enjoyment 
of  my  heart,  to  be  alone  with  God.  It  sometimes  ap-* 
peared  astonishing,  that  men  of  like  passions  with  my- 
self, of  the  same  bodies,  of  the  same  minds,  alike  in  every 
other  respect,  knew  and  saw  nothing  of  that  blessed  and 
adorable  being,  in  whom  my  soul  findeth  all  its  happi- 
ness, but  were  living  a  sort  of  life  which  to  me  would 
be  worse  than  annihilation,  at  least  independent  of 
future  considerations.  I  could  rather  sink  into  my 
grave,  than  live  a  life  so  utterly  distasteful  to  me.  But 
I  want  more  deadness  to  the  world  in  order  to  be  happy« 
I  want  to  fed  myself  always  alone  with  my  God  i  the 
opinions  of  men  cannot  r^dly  affect  me ;  the  thoughts 
which  other  men  have  of  me,  are  almost  as  short  and 
seldom,  as  if  I  were  out  of  the  world :  then  why  do  not 
I  walk  with  God,  as  if  I  were  alone  with  him  on  the 
face  of  the  earth  ?  In  the  afternoon  read  D.  Brainerd, 
and  passed  half  an  hour  in  prayer,  in  which*  I  had  at 
times  earnest  desires  for  the  advancement  of  Christ's 
kingdom,  and  that  I  might  be  sent  to  preach  to  poor 
heathens.  Visited  the  poor  Magdalene,  and  read 
Romans  v.  with  much  cheerfulness  and  suitableness ;  I 
have  still  great  hopes.  .  Then  drank  tea  with  two 
serious  yoimg  men ;  my  oonversation  was  with  rather 
less  vanity  than  in  general.  In  my  room  read  Hop- 
kins on  the  ninth  commandment.  After  supper  sat  an 
hour  with  Sargent  at  the  inn,  who  was  passing  on  his 
way  to  be  married.     I  rejoiced  exceedingly  in  the  por- 


19^  JOURNALi  [1804 

tion  the  Lord  had  allotted  me.  While  I  enjoy  him 
for  my  inheritance,  I  would  not  wish  to  be  settled  in 
the  world;  even  with  all  the  assemblage  of  blessings 
which  S  —  is  about  to  possess,  which'  is  saying  a  great 
deal.  I  feel  no  wish  to  live  except  to  be  employed  in 
that  work  in  which  Christ  died. 

24.  Days  passed  in  the  usual  manner,  with  pupils, 
in  writing  sermon,  and  in  general  enjoying  peace. 
Received  great  pleasure  in  reading  Blair's  Grave  at  tea 
time,  and  found  my  soul  rejoicing  in  God,  by  every  idea 
excited  in  me,  either  by  the  poetry,  or  the  subject  of 
death.  In  prayer  my  heart  adored  the  Lord,  as  the 
author  and  source  of  all  the  intellectual  beauty  that 
delighted  me;  as  the  creator  of  all  the  fair  scenes  of 
creation,  that  employ  the  poet's  pen,  and  as  the  former 
of  the  mind,  that  can  find  pleasure  in  beauty.  In 
prayer  at  night  I  seemed  rather  far  from  God,  and  to  be 
under  a  cloud. 

25.  Rose  late  from  having  wasted  a  great  deal  of 
time  in  unnecessary  sleep  ;  in  consequence  of  which  I 
was  galled  with  shame,  and  a  sense  of  guilt  the  first  half 
of  the  day.  I  had  lost  the  presence  of  God,  and  went 
on  in  a  great  deal  of  inward  misery.  I  had  a  few  short 
feeble  views  of  another  world,  and  of  the  advancement 
of  the  church,  which  on  other  sabbaths  I  have  generally 
found  myself  disposed  to  pray  for  with  delight,  but  now 
my  wretched  spirit  went  on  stupidly  in  darkness.  Was 
much  edified  by  Mr.  Simeon's  sermon  on  2  Cor.  iii.  18. 
In  my  ride  to  Lolworth  made  a  few  faint  efforts  to  get 
near  to  God,  but  still  seemed  shut  out.  The  thought 
of  being  about  to  preach  a  sermon,  which  nobody  would 
attend  to,  likewise  dejected  me.  But  in  praying  that  I 
might  live  a  life  of  sohtude  and  prayer,  the  world  seemed 
to  disappear,  and  I  found  myself  again  with  God* 
Preached  on  the  third  commandment ;  there  was  the 
utmost  attention,  and  I  felt  exceedingly  relieved  by  it.  In 
a  short  conversation  with  two  men  who  are  serious,  I 
found  my  heart  exceedingly  knit  to  them :  their  modesty 
and  simplicity  are  quite  engaging.     Drank  tea  at  Mr, 


1804]  JOURNAL.  193 

"%  fdt  persuaded  that  he  knows  nothing  of  inward 


piety ;  yet  while  so  many  were  present,  I  could  not  be 
pressing  on  the  subject.  Rode  home  in  good  spirits, 
though  not  much  communing  with  God.  At  church  at 
night  felt  my  heart  quite  full,  at  the  singing  of  .that  sweet 
hymn,  '  Jesu,  lover  of  my  soul,'  &c.  Was  greatly 
tired  at  night  with  peevishness,  discontent,  and  fear  of 
mortifying  the  flesh  ;  but  in  prayer  rose  above  it,  and 
was  very  fervent,  though  not  free  in  expression,  in  seek- 
ing for  an  entire  conformity  to  Jesus  Christ. 

26.  Was  mostly  solemn  and  serious  in  the  presence 
of  God  this  morning,  and  the  part  of  the  119th  Psalm, 
which  I  learnt,  was  of  blessed  use.  By  pupils  and  — 
walking  with  me  and  catechizing  the  children,  was  not 
left  alone  till  six  in  the  evening,  when  my  heart,  which 
had  become  very  earthly,  was  restored  by  prayer.  The 
next  two  hours  I  spent  with  two  sick  men,  with  both  of 
whom  I  prayed  earnestly.  In  my  rooms  afterwards, 
the  words  of  the  sacred  poet  excited  in  me  awful  views 
of  the  glory  of  Christ.  In  prayer  to  him  I  was  asto- 
nished to  think  of  the  wonders  of  his  person,  that  the 
King  of  kings  should  become  a  man,  and  live,  and  die. 
Oh  mercy  unparalleled  1  Worthy  is  the  Lamb  that  was 
slain.  Rest  of  the  evening  wrote  sermon  ;  my  soul 
seems  labouring  still  with  the  mysterious  glories  of 
religion.  What  shall  appear  to  this  soul  when  I 
die  ?  What  shall  appear  to  this  worm,  of  God's  glory, 
while  I  live  ?  At  night,  lay  a  long  time  sleepless,  and 
got  farther  and  farther  from  God. 

27.  A  melancholy  day,  the  sense  of  my  defilement 
and  self-indulgence  made  me  feel  myself  abominable. 
The   1 1 9th  Psalm  was  again  very  solemnizing ;  wrote 

sermon;  walked  with  B .     After  dinner  in  prayer, 

was  a  little  restored  to  deep  views  of  eternity,  and 
felt  my  soul  desiring  and  watching  to  imitate  Christ, 
and  to  delight  in  his  service.  At  night,  after  praying 
for  God's  preserving  power,  I  began  to  read  the 
Medea.  Read  through  Porson  s  Preface  to  the  He- 
cuba, and  made  extracts.     As  St.  Austin  said  of  Cicero, 


194  JOURNAiv  [1804 

that  he  did  not  find  Christ  there,  so  say  I;  heathen 
reading,  not\vithstanding  all  the  clearness  of  poetry,  is 
dull  and  dark,  as  it  never  kindles  any  devotion  in  my 
heart.  At  supper  was  grieved  at  the  conversation,  and 
longed  to  say  something  effectually. 

28.  A  disorderly  morning ;  at  intervals  I  tried  to 
learn  my  usual  portion  of  119th  Psalm,  but  lost  much 
time  and  comfort  by  distraction  ;  yet  I  determined  to 
take  up  nothing  of  my  classic  studies  or  any  other,  till 
my. heart  received  the  Spirit  from  on  high.  In  my  walk, 
my  soul  rose  above  its  vexations ;  many  things  fretted 
mte,  but  as  I  walked,  I  felt  entirely  devoted  to  the  most 
painful  service  of  God ;  I  felt  willing  to  undergo  the 
greatest  hardships  for  Christ,  and  that,  not  from  any 
particular  exercise  of  love,  for  I  was  rather  melancholy, 
but  because  I  loved  and  approved  the  angelic  work  ;  and 
I  longed  for  the  afternoon  to  come,  that  I  might  be 
employed  in  it.  After  dinner  consented  unwillingly 
from  a  sense  of  duty,  to  sit  at  C — 's,  but  had  no  oppor- 
tunity of  doing  good.  Went  into  Wall's  Lane,  and 
visited  several  people.  Supped  with  Professors  Parish 
and  Jowett,  and  a  Scotch  Professor.  Conversation  not 
uninteresting. 

29.  The  serious,  tender,  and  happy  spirit  which  I 
generally  feel  after  morning  prayer,  does  not  continue 
long.  The  119th  Psalm  had  the  same  solemn  effect  as 
yesterday.  Though  the  morning  was  chiefly  taken  up 
with  the  Medea  and  with  B — ,  and  though  unprepared  by 
prayer  for  conversation,  by  looking  up  to  God,  was  ena- 
bled to  speak  with  some  inward  enjoyment  on  the  excel- 
lence of  the  work  of  the  ministry.     In  the  evening  visited 

B ,   and   drank  tea  with  A .     In  church   in 

prayer,  enjoyed  much  of  the  presence  of  God,  as  ever  at 
such  times,  and  in  the  hymns  was  tenderly  affected 
towards  Christ,  though  it  was  with  much  distraction, 
from  the  fixed  contemplation  of  divine  things.  Mr. 
Simeon  preached  on  Gal.  iii.  1. 

30.  Was  filled  with  shame,  and  self-abhorrence,  and 
sense  of  guilt,  at  having  wasted  time  in  bed,  notwithstan- 


1804]  JOURNAL.  195 

ding  the  dictates  of  conscience.  Finished  the  1  i9th  Psalm ; 
at  the  intervals  between  pupils  and  Euripides,  walked 
out  rather  in  a  distracted  contemptuous  state  of  mind, 
from  reading          *  #  ♦  ♦  * 

The  having  to  preach  at  Trinity  also,  when  I  saw  scarcely 
time  to  prepare,  rather  made  me  uneasy ;  but  my  soul 
enjoyed  peace  at  last,  and  when  I  hit  on  the  text,  Ezek. 
xxxii.  18,  **  As  I  live,"  &c.  I  fdt  very  happy.  In  the 
afternoon  sat  with  — ,  and  afterwards  called  on  some 
sick.  Drank  tea  with  W — ,  and  spoke  to  him  freely. 
At  my  rooms,  my  heart  drew  near  to  God  in  prayer, 
and  I  found  my  love  fervent  to  him,  for  his  own  blessed 
excellences.  Read  Euripides  till  very  late ;  I  was  struck 
with  the  resemblance  between  the  character  and  words 
of  Medea,  and ,  in  the  lines  24 — 30,  especially. 

My  mind  was  not  taken  up  by  these  heathen  studies 
as  it  used  to  be. 

December  1 .  Morning  passed  as  usual ;  I  hope  I 
had  a  steady  seriousness,  but  with  pupils  I  found  my 
temper  irritable.  In  the  afternoon  was  prevented  from 
private   prayer,    or    visiting  the   sick,    by   having   to 

explain  Isaac  Newton  to  F :    went  to  chapel  in 

great  emptiness  of  mind,  but  after  chapel,  found  some 
fervour  in  prayer.  I  continued  till  supper  writing  to 
my  sister.  At  night  the  last  chapter  of  I  Thessalonians 
had  a  blessed  effect  in  quickening  me  to  spirituality, 
and  preparation  for  death,  though  before  I  was  sleepy 
and  stupid. 

2.  (Sunday.)  I  have  had  great  difficulty  in  keeping 
down  corruption  this  day.  In  opening  scripture  in  the 
morning,  was  at  a  loss  what  part  to  read  for  my  edifica- 
tion, but  a  short  petition  seemed  to  open  my  eyes  a 
little.  Went  to  church,  striving  to  feel  my  un worthi- 
ness. Had  very  little  fervor  or  recoUectedness  of  mind 
in  the  church  prayers,  and  found  myself  hurrying  fast  to 
extreme  wretchedness,  and  so  I  simply  cast  myself  on 
the  Saviour's  grace,  and  found  returning  peace ;  but  I 
was  by  no  means  happy  in  my  ride  to  Lolworth. 
Preached  on  the  sixth  commandment;    not  so  much 

o  2 


196,  JOURNAL.  [1804 

attention  as  last  Sunday.  Visited  some  of  the  people, 
and  was  mostly  in  a  spiritual  frame  of  mind ;  felt 
oppressed  with  the  prospect  of  what  I  had  to  do  this 
week :  to  prepare  sermons  for  Trinity,  to  read  Bishop 
Butler,  &c.  But  my  soul  found  rest  by  prayer.  At 
church,  I  had  frequently  seasons  of  sweetness,  par- 
ticularly at  giving  out  the  text  from  the  beginning  of 
Matt.  XXV.  The  day  of  judgment  appeared  very  blessed. 
I  rejoiced  at  the  text  and  sermon,  as  it  enabled  me  to 
realize  eternal  things,  without  which  I  am  generally  un- 
happy. .  Being  so  soon  to  pass  away  from  this  scene, 
what  little  matter  is  it,  how  the  body  fares,  or  what  mea 
say,  so  that  my  soul  be  approved  unto  God. 

3.  Morning  till  ten,  as  usual,  in  thinking  on  ser- 
mon, and  reading.  From  ten  to  six,  was  not  left  alone, 
for  B.  walked  with  me,  and  after  dinner  I  was  obliged 
to  go  out  immediately  to  the  children.  I  have  had  an 
hour's  conversation  with  Mr.  B.  By  prayer  my  heart 
was  graciously  excited  to  joy  and  gratitude.  Went  then 
to  B.  with  whom  I  enjoyed  great  freedom,  and  a  spirit 
of  praise.  In  my  room,  read  Euripides  for  a  few  hours, 
and  spent  the  rest  in  thinking  on  sermon.  1  Tim.  had  a 
blessed  effect  in  stirring  me  up  to  a  willing  devotedness 
of  myself  to  a  life  of  self-denial. 

4.  Was  plagued  with  a  great  deal  of  fearfrd  unbelief, 
and  distrust,  chiefly  from  finding  myself  barren  in  medi- 
tation on  the  subject  of  my  sermon  ;  but  at  intervals  the 
eternal  world  opened  to  my  view,  and  affected  my  heart 
rightly.  In  my  walk  out  I  seemed  able  to  be  more  at 
ease.  H.  came  to  me  in  the  afternoon :  I  tried  a  little 
to  speak  on  a  subject  that  might  be  for  his  conviction, 
but  to  no  purpose;  yet  I  was  not  faithful  to  him,  and 
the  consciousness  of  this  began  a  dejection,  which 
lasted  more  or  less,  all  the  evening.  Visited  the  poor 
Magdalene,  but  had  my  doubts  of  her.  At  my  rooms, 
read  Greek  till  eight,  and  the  rest  of  the  time  in  thinking 
of  sermon.  At  short  intervals  had  the  presence  of  God, 
but  in  general  was  lukewarm,  though  not  tempted  to 
any  dissatisfaction  with  my  blessed  work.     This  inter- 


1804]  JOURNAL.  197 

ference  of  preparation    for  examination   greatly   put^ 
me  out. 

5.  An  unprofitable  day.  All  my  leisure  time  till 
pupilsy  was  about  sermon,  unable  to  write  the  first  sen* 
tence.  Then  an  hour  before  walk  equally  in  vain.  I 
was  exceedingly  fretted,  and  assaulted  moreover  with 
evil  thoughts.  It  was  **  the  hour  and  power  of  dark^ 
ness."  However,  I  simply  cast  myself  on  the  Lord  in 
prayer,  and  was  delivered  from  all  evil  imaginations ;  but 
unhappiness  at  my  wretched  unprofitableness  remained. 
In  my  walk  out  was  quite  oppressed,  and  full  of  idle  and 
foolish  thoughts.  As  soon  as  I  was  left  alone,  I  went 
to  visit  Mrs.  C.  and  was  much  affected  by  reading  to  her 
Isaiah  Ixiii.  and  Ixiv.  On  my  return,  met  with  Mr.  P. 
and  C.  who  drank  tea,  and  staid  till  supper  time.  I  had 
not  a  minute  to  lose.  However,  when  they  were  gone, 
the  Lord  seemed  to  open  my  heart,  and  my  mind,  and  I 
wrote  a  page  and  recovered  a  Uttle  from  fear  and  de- 
jection. How  easily  can  he  shut  me  up  !  it  is  from 
him,  therefore,  I  have  received  my  talents,  and  to 
him  be  aU  the  glory  ! 

6.  My  heart  was  still  disquieted  this  morning,  and 
weak  against  the  assaults  of  sin  and  Satan.  Now  did  I 
find  that  the  joy  of  the  Lord  shall  be  our  strength.  In 
prayer  I  strove  for  faith,  and  peace  of  mind,  and  dead- 
ness  to  the  world,  but  could  gain  no  permanent  holdfast 
of  a  right  spirit.  My  patience  and  temper  were  again 
greatly  tried,  by  not  being  able  to  write  a  word,  till  my 
pupils  came.  Received  a  letter  from  K.  and  from  my 
brother,  both  agreeable,  but  which  I  would  willingly 
have  been  without,  as  they  tended  to  bring  my  thoughts 
ta  earth.  With  my  pupils,  I  betrayed  my  natural  spirit, 
hasty,  light,  sarcastic,  &c.  Walked  forth  in  great  un- 
happiness, yet  praying  for  grace,  to  bear  witJi  meekness 
all  that  the  Lord  should  appoint.  After  dinner,  I  found 
my  mind  quite  blind  and  dead  to  spiritual  things  at  first 
in  prayer,  but  gained  a  little  nearer  access  to  God.  After 
that,  I  wrote  with  tolerable  freedom,  and  felt  very 
thankful  for  any  assistance  the  Lord  vouchsafes.     My 


198  JOURNAL.  [1804 

soul  reposed  in  sweet  solemnity  ;  the  views  of  death  ap- 
peared exceedingly  pleasant,  and  I  longed  to  think  of 
nothing,  but  time  and  eternity.  My  heart  also  delighted 
in  its  union  to  such  a  blessed  being  as  Christ.  I  felt 
quite  contented  and  happy  if  he  would  notice  such  a 
worm,  whether  I  lived  in  this  world  or  the  next.  At 
church,  Mr.  Simeon  preached  on  Psalm  xl.  17.  *'  I  am 
poor  and  needy,,  but  the  Lord  thinketh  upon  me."  Oh 
that  I  were  very  simple  and  humble  in  heart !  My  cup 
would  run  over  ;  ^ut  I  am  so  proud,  and  hard-hearted, 
and  conceited.  Visited  B.  who  was  in  a  state  of  in- 
sensibility, drawing  almost  his  last  breath.  I  left  him, 
looking  forward  myself,  with  some  dread,  to  the  agonies 
of  departing  this  life ;  and  then  sat  with  Mrs.  B.  and 
Mr.  Simeon.  The  sight  of  Mrs.  B.  in  tears  much 
affected  me,  and  I  could  soon  have  joined  her.  These 
emotions  of  the  soul  continued  in  exercise,  in  some 
degree,  the  rest  of  the  evening. 

7.  Rose  early,  being  awakened  by  music  in  the 
courts.  The  impression  was  very  powerful  on  my 
imagination.  As  I  could  conceive  it  to  be  the  sound  of 
the  heavenly  choir,  transporting  the  faithful  soul  to 
glory,  it  seemed  a  very  blessed,  and  glorious  thing  to 
be  the  servant  of  God,  and  I  wondered  that  I  was  not 
always  impressed  with  the  same  idea.  Made  no  ad- 
vances in  my  sermon,  till  pupils  came,  with  whom  I 
observed  radier  more  propriety  of  conduct.  Called  at 
B — 's,  and  found  he  had  died  at  five  this  morning.  In 
my  walk,  was  powerfully  aflfected  by  the  consideration 
that  he  had  now  been  before  the  throne  of  God,  and 
received  his  final  portion.  What  a  thought !  He  now 
knows  whether  I  spoke  faithfully  or  no ;  and  if  not  may 
perhaps  curse  me,  for  deceiving  him  into  hell.  Not- 
withstanding these  my  serious  thoughts  in  the  morning, 
I  was  subject  to  the  most  despicable  vanities  afterwards. 
Made  several  calls,  and  at  two  houses  read  and  prayed. 
Could  not  be  about  my  writing  till  seven,  when  I  felt 
some  love  to  souls,  and  wrote  a  little  more  freely,  by 
God's  assistance. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  199 

8.  Rose  in  a  spirit  of  seriousness,  and  in  prayer  my 
heart  was  engaged.  I  saw  very  clearly,  that  without 
preserving  a  child-like  simplicity,  I  should  never  walk 
consistently.  In  the  course  of  the  morning,  my  heart 
was  in  general  affected  with  love  to  God  ;  but  in  the  walk 
it  was  carried  away  by  foolish  thoughts,  so  as  to  make 
me  unwilling  to  be  meditating  on  eternity.  I  may  well 
be  convinced  of  the  corruption  of  my  heart,  when  it  so 
easily  teems  with  all  manner  of  folly.  The  rest  of  the 
day  was  taken  up  with  sermon,  in  general  in  peace,  and 
sweet  views  of  another  world.     Supped  at  night  with 

and ,   at  the  inn.      The  conversation   was 

miserable,  and  I  came  away  tired,  but  not  without  the 
conviction,  of  not  having  endeavoured  to  introduce  one 
useful  remark.  Oh  if  I  had  a  love  to  souls,  I  could  not 
let  tbem  trifle  into  eternity  I  How  differently  did  the 
Lord  I  profess  to  follow,  pass  the  time  when  he  visited 
the  ungodly ! 

9.  (Sunday.)  Vide  Memoir.  At  *  *  I 
was  struck  with  the  contrast  of  my  own  exquisite  feelings 
of  delight,  and  the  apparent  peevishness  of  some  pre- 
sent. Oh  why  do  not  they  know  God  ?  I  was  forcibly 
impressed  with  the  reality  of  religion. 

1 0.  My  comfortable  state  of  mind  was  rather  clouded 
this  morning,  by  waste  of  time  in  bed ;  but  it  returned 
and  continued  till  B.  told  me,  that  in  my  prayer  yester-* 
day  before  sermon,  as  also  at  other  times,  I  used  nothing 
but  a  few  scriptural  phrases,  so  that  it  was  not  like 
prayer.  The  first  emotions  of  my  mind  ^ere  those  of 
vexation,  at  this  intimation,  but  I  was  struck  by  the 
amazing  pride  of  my  wicked  heart,  that  I  could  not  bear 
to  discover  any  imperfection  in  myself,  even  though  the 
discovery  was  the  only  way  to  lead  me  towards  perfec- 
tion. However,  the  Lord  helped  me  to  improve  this 
little  circumstance  to  my  good,  and  I  was  led  to  see  my 
utter  unworthiness  and  unfitness  for  any  thing  good. 
I  was  willing  to  see  myself  despised ;  yea,  it  was  the 
desire  of  my  heart,  to  set  before  my  mind  such  scenes 
of  my  life,  as  should  most  fill  me  with  shame  and  hu^ 


200  JOURNAL.  [1804 

miliatioD.  In  this  spirit  I  walked  out,  aiid  it  was  siir- 
prising  to  me,  what  freedom  from  anxiety  and  from  in- 
clination to  sin,  I  found  while  in  that  state.  Every  one 
I  met,  I  regarded  with  reverence,  and  went  sweetly  medi-^ 
tating  on  die  meekness  of  Jesus  Christ,  and  filled  with 
the  hope  of  being  one  day  made  perfect  in  it,  if  not  in 
this  world,  yet  in  the  next.  This  frame  continued  a  few 
hours  ;  and  while  it  lasted,  with  what  ease  could  I  ob- 
serve propriety  of  conduct  1  And  in  prayer  I  had  frequent 
seasons  of  sacred  delight,  while  I  declared,  that  I 
wished  God  to  have  all  the  glory,  and  yet  I  desired  to 
honour  all  his  creatures.  But  unhappily,  a  man  spoke 
in  praise  of  my  sermon  last  night,  and  all  these  thoughts 
presently  disappeared.  Thus  praise  gives  me  infinitely 
more  pain,  even  immediately,  than  the  utmost  abuse. 
After  catechising  the  children,  called  on  Mrs.  B.  and 
upon  a  dying  boy.  I  went  to  my  rooms,  and  rather  ob- 
tained relief  from  my  pride,  and  somewhat  of  a  return  to 
a  spirit  of  meekness.  The  rest  of  the  evening  passed  in 
reading  Euripides,  with  my  heart  at  times  much  affected 
with  love  towards  God. 

11.  Corruption  provides  me  enough  for  morning 
prayer :  rather  declined  from  the  affectionate  spirit  of 
yesterday.  With  my  pupil,  I  had  some  disgraceful  quick- 
ness of  temper,  as  heretofore,  which  grieved  me  idl  the 
morning.  In  my  walk,  1  was  not  happy  in  divine  objects, 
except  at  short  intervals ;  but  I  cried  earnestly  for  meek- 
ness and  humility.  In  the  afternoon,  visited  the  sick, 
and  was  engaged  in  conversation  with  a  large  number  of 
the  most  abandoned  profligates  of  Cambridge.  Oh  that 
oceans  of  tears  would  run  down  my  eyes !  The  rest  of 
the  evening  and  night,  with  many  interruptions,  were 
spent  in  great  dulness,  reading  Euripides. 

12.  Enjoyed  some  delightful  hours  this  morning, 
especially  in  reading  the  Song ;  but  in  my  first  prayer 
was  exceedingly  barren  and  distracted.  With  my  pupil 
more  governed.  At  church,  was  in  a  light,  worldly 
spirit,  insomuch,  that  in  prayer  I  was  half  the  time 
speaking  without  thinking :  what  sparing  mercy,  that  I 


1804]  JOURNAL.  201 

am  not  struck  dead  for  such  mockery.     In  my  walk  out 

met  with  D ,  to  whom  I  spoke  about  religion,  by 

no  means  in  a  spirit  of  meekness — which  I  was 
sure  to  grieve  for  afterwards.  After  dinner,  was 
serious  in  prayer,  and  had  a  clearer  view  of  my  real 
business  on  earth,  and  went  to  Wall's  Lane  in  a  right 
spirit,  as  the  servant  of  the  Lord,  and  with  the  belief 
that  Christ  would  be  always  with  me,  to  direct  my  soul 
to  his  Spirit.  With  the  poor  Magdalene  I  prajred,  and 
still  believed  her  penitent,  from  reading  with  her.  I 
heard  the  chant  at  King's,  with  the  same  emotions  of 
devotion  as  I  generally  have.  Rest  of  the  evening 
passed  in  reading  Euripides. 

1 3.  Rose  early,  and  after  some  difficulty  attained  to 
something  of  a  humble  spirit;  how  stupid  am  I  in 
learning  Uie  plainest  truths !  I  hoped  I  should  bear  in 
mind  all  day  the  occasion  I  had  for  a  mourning  spirit 
I  found  joy  in  the  course  of  the  morning,  but  it  was 
mixed  with  levity,  and  natural  spirits,  and  I  would 
rather  have  none  than  that :  there  is  hardly  any  frame 
of  mind  I  dislike  so  much,  because  I  am  never  farther 
from  the  temper  of  Christ,  and  from  holiness,  and 
from  happiness.  Let  me  be  poor  in  spirit  and  meek. 
Read  Euripides  at  leisure  hours.  After  dinner  friends 
came,  and  staid  so  long  that  I  was  not  at  leisure  till 
church,  when  Thomason  preached.     Then  sat  an  hour 

with  B employed  about  Euripides,  it  was  a  happy 

reflection  to  me,  to  perceive  that  in  the  midst  of  these 
ensnaring  classics  my  heart  felt  their  vanity,  and  pre- 
pared to  think  of  God  and  read  his  holy  law. 

14.  Had  something  of  a  poor  and  contrite  spirit 
this  morning  in  prayer.  From  nine  to  twelve  was  in 
hall  about  the  examination  ;  but  I  did  not  preserve  that 
spirit  which  I  had  hoped  I  should,  for  I  was  light  and 
conceited.  In  my  walk  out  was  rather  more  spiritual, 
and  enabled  to  pray  freely  for  some  time.  In  the  after- 
noon visited  some  people  till  three,  when  I  went  into 
hall  till  six.  At  this  time  my  soul  drew  near  the  Lord 
in  prayer,  and  found  it  to  be  a  solemn  season.     There 


202  JOURNAL.  [1804 

was  something  of  a  sacred  impression  on  my  mind 
during  thef  examination  in  hall ;  several  of  the  poetical 
images  in  Virgil  in  which  they  had  heen  examining, 
especially  those  taken  from  nature,  together  with  the 
sight  of  the  moon  rising  over  the  venerable  walls,  and 
sending  its  light  through  the  painted  glass,  turned  away 
my  thoughts  from  present  things  and  raised  them  to 
God.  My  spirit  was  stirred  up  to  renewed  resolutions 
to  live  a  life  of  entire  independence  of  earthly  comforts, 
though  the  flesh  was  very  weak.  The  rest  of  the 
evening  passed  in  reading  Euripides.  In  consequence 
of  not  praying  with  my  servant  when  it  was  rather  a 
favourable  opportunity,  I  greatly  wounded  my  con- 
science, and  did  not  recover  a  comfortable  state  all  the 
evening. 

15.  Rose  early,  being  awakened  by  the  music  of  the 
waits.  My  morning  prayer  was  still  chiefly  for  humi- 
lity and  emptiness  of  self.  In  hall  all  the  morning ; 
but  though  I  strove  against  conceit,  was  very  full  of  it. 
I  was  constantly  setting  Christ  before  me — but  alas  ! 
how  little  do  I  imitate  his  spirit !  In  my  walk  I  was 
chiefly  engaged  in  reading  for  the  examination,  but  my 
affections  seemed  chiefly  towards  heaven.  Had  a  few 
minutes  for  prayer  after  dinner,  by  which  my  mind  was 
composed,  and  the  rising  desire  after  worldly  applause 
was  repressed.  The  only  way  I  could  find  for  effec- 
tually freeing  myself  from  anxiety  about  the  good 
opinion  of  men,  was  to  labour  to  feel  my  utter  unwor* 
thiness.  If  men  despise  me  or  my  attainments,  they 
will  do  no  more  than  what  is  right.  Sat  with  the 
examiners  till  three,  from  which  time  till  eight  I  was 
examining  the  men  of  the  second  class  in  the  Medea. 
At  eight  I  called  on  Mr.  Simeon  and  Mrs.  B — .  This 
day  I  have  been  tired  with  the  praises  of  men.  The 
attention  and  respect  of  the  fellows  to  night  were 
remarkable. 

16.  (Sunday.)  Rose  with  my  mind  full  of  carnal 
and  worldly  thoughts  running  upon  the  Greek  subject 
I  had  been  examining  on  yesterday.     In  prayer  and 


1804]  JOURNAL*  203 

afterwards  I  was  sordy  tried  by  the  most  despicable 
vanity,  and  also  by  hypocrisy  #  #  # 

*  *  Then  I  recollected 'that  it  was  my 
vow  and  wish  to  be  always  living  alone  with  God ; 
should  it  then  be  a  concern  with  me  whether  men 
admire  me  ?  Yet  I  could  not  get  any  deliverance  from 
my  corruption,  till  I  was  made  to  feel  the  misery  of 
being  under  the  dominion  of  sin.  Rode  early  before 
breakfast  to  Stapleford,  and  then  began  to  feel  myself  a 
poor  lost  creature,  and  that  the  simplicity  of  humility 
was  that  which  most  became  me ;  and  enjoyed  in  conse- 
quence something  of  a  childlike  spirit.  Preached  in 
the  morning  at  Stapleford  on  the  ninth  command- 
ment. In  my  walk  back  from  church  with  some 
ladies  professing  godliness,  I  was  grieved  at  their  levity, 
but  made  no  answer  but  by  silence  and  gravity.  *  After 
dinner  Dr.  Milner  and  Lord  C —  called.  *  * 

*  *  *  I  was  introduced  as  having  been  Senior 
Wrangler,  but  how  contemptible  did  these  paltry  honours 
appear  to  me  1  Ah,  thought  I, .  you  know  not  how 
little  I  am  flattered  by  these  intended  compliments. 
Preached  in  the  afternoon  at  Stapleford  on  Ezekiel 
xxxiii.  11.  to  an  attentive  audience.  On  the  way  back 
had  a  conversation  with  an  aged  believer,  and  called  on 
another  afflicted  saint,  whose  want  of  meekness  and 
patience  occasioned  by  her  great  trials,  rather  pained 
me.  Had  an  opportunity  of  private  prayer  at  Shelford, 
in  which  though  my  mind  was  serious  and  not  dis- 
tracted, I  felt  no  devotion ;  as  I  was  distrustfully  anxious 
about  the  evening.  After  tea,  met  about  1 50  people  in 
the  schoolroom,  and  preached  on  Acts  xx.  21.  '*  Testi- 
fpng  to  the  Jews,  and  also  to  the  Greeks,"  &c.  in 
which  the  Lord  assisted  me  to  be  clear  and  impressive ; 
but  I  had  reason  to  lament  my  want  of  tenderness,  or 
rather  that  I  had  not  sufficient  power  of  speaking 
according  to  the  feelings  of  my  mind.  Rode  home  in 
great  strength  of  spirits ;  but  my  joy  was  not  spiritual : 
yet  I  cared  for  nothing  in  this  world.  Read  and  prayed 
at  night  with  my  servant. 


204  JOURNAL.  [1804 

1 7.  After  morning  prayer  my  heart  was  joyous,  but 
far  too  light.  B.  breakfasted  with  me.  The  rest  of  the 
day  was  engaged  in  hall  and  with  the  Fellows.  I 
governed  my  outward  conduct  pretty  well  in  general, 
though  pride  and  selfishness  were  working  within,  and 
sometimes  the  emptiness  of  my  mind  shewed  itself  by 
speeches  of  folly  and  levity,  and  conformed  me  to  the 
ways  and  manners  of  others.  Oh  for  that  holy  re- 
serve which  communion  with  God  would  not  foil 
to  produce  in  mel  In  the  evening  wrote  to  my 
sister,  and  manifested  a  very  unbecoming  spirit  of 
levity  and  sarcasm,  and  impatience  to  one  of  my 
pupils.  Read  Butler.  At  the  times  of  prayer,  my 
heart  is  generally  affected  with  moments  of  exceeding 
joy  and  devotion,  but  I  want  more  of  the  abiding  fear 
of  God,  and  a  continual  sense  of  my  own  misery  and 
guilt.  In  the  hall  was  much  affected  by  the  sight  of 
Lord  B.  whose  look  of  meekness  and  humility  rivetted 
my  attention,  and  almost  melted  me  to  tears.  If  there 
is  one  disposition  in  the  world  I  wish  for  more  than 
another,  it  is  this ;  but  the  bias  of  my  corrupted  nature 
hurries  me  violently  against  it. 

18.  Was  gready  under  the  power  of  corrupt  imagi* 
nations  in  the  morning,  but  prayer  restored  me  to  purity 
and  peace.  In  hall  the  whole  day,  and  in  genend 
enjoyed  more  spirituality  and  less  of  my  natural  temper 
than  since  the  beginning  of  the  examination.  At  inter- 
vals drew  near  to  God  in  prayer ;  but  it  is  high  time  for 
me  tiiat  this  secular  business  should  end.  Read  Butler 
at  night  till  very  late. 

19.  My  mind  uneasy  from  anxiety,  and  fear  of 
unfitness  for  that  part  of  the  examination  I  was  about 
to  undertake,  yet  always  regained  my  peace  when  I 
regarded  myself  as  unworthy  of  the  good  opinion  of  any 
body.  I  examined  in  Butler,  with  great  ease  to  mysetf 
and  clearness.  Thus  it  pleases  God  to  make  me  honour- 
able in  the  eyes  of  men ;  I  hope  for  the  purposes  of  his 
own  glory.  In  my  walk  my  dioughts  ran  far  too  easily 
on  these  trifling  things.     The  rest  of  the  day  in  hall. 


1804]  JOURNAL.  205 

and  with  the  Fellows,  with  my  mind  variously  employed  ; 
sometimes  with  sweet  thoughts  of  God,  but  generally 
with  dull  thoughts,  scarcely  attending  to  any  thing.  I 
was  grieved  not  to  be  able  to  say  any  thing  more 
decisive  and  convincing  against  that  ungodly  book  of 
Paley's.  At  night  after  supper,  an  opportunity  offered 
of  speaking  to  one  of  the  Fellows,  which  I  did  for  a 
considerable  time.  In  prayer  in  general,  I  have  been 
fervent  in  the  petitions,  but  the  particulars  have  been 
fewer,  my  views  of  eternal  things  are  narrowed,  and  I 
feel  less  inclined  to  the  work  of  God. 

20.  The  promises  of  the  church's  enlargement 
afforded  me  much  delightful  meditation  this  morning : 
from  nine  till  near  dinner  we  were  engaged  in  settling 
the  classes.  In  my  walk  the  severe  cold  did  not  shut 
up  my  thoughts  within  the  body  so  much  as  of  late.  In 
the  afternoon  I  was  scarcely  at  all  alone,  and  about  to 
behold  vanity;  but  the  Lord  by  prayer  sobered  and 
quickened  my  mind.  In  the  service  at  church  my  soul 
enjoyed  some  true  devotion.  I  gained  instruction  and 
comfort  from  the  sermon,  John  ii.  25.  Happy  moments ! 
in  which  I  can  live  devoutly  in  communion  with  Christ. 
Oh  what  is  the  world- to  me  ?  and  yet  my  thoughts  are 
not  swallowed  up  in  God.  Called  on  a  woman  in 
Wall's  Lane  after  church. 

2 1 .  Rose  early,  and  continued  a  good  while  in 
prayer.  Most  of  the  time  till  dinner  I  was  reading 
Poole's  Synopsis  of  the  first  chapter  of  St.  John,  and 
was  much  impressed  with  the  consideration  of  the 
glory  of  Christ,  the  Word.  Oh,  that  I  could  think  of 
nothing  else  but  things  which  belong  to  the  wonders 
of  religion  1  In  my  wdk  strove  to  keep  near  to  Christ, 
and  was  *  at  times  affected  with  admiration  and  love. 
On  my  return  sat  an  hour  with  the  poor  Magdalene,  and 
read  the  bible  to  her,  to  her  seeming  profit.  Then 
dined  at  Mr.  Simeon's  with  a  large  party  of  religious 
friends,  and  ladies  ;  but  the  conversation  was  not  reli- 
gious or  in  any  way  improving.  So  when  I  went  away 
at  seven,  it  was  with  regret  at  the  time's  being  all  lost. 


206  JOUENAL.  [1804 

Went  to  the  class  and  read  and  spoke  on  Revelations  ii* 
to  the  church  of  Ephesus,  with  freedom  ;  but  was  by  no 

means  satisfied  with  my  prayer.     Sat  with  and 

his  brother,  an  officer  in  the  guards ;  their  conversation 
was  far  more  becoming  Christians,  than  ours  had  been 
in  the  afternoon.  I  look  forward  to  a  day  of  prayer ; 
for  my  soul  hath  great  need  of  quickening  and  restora- 
tion, that  it  may  act  more  in  the  view  of  eternity,  and 
conformably  to  the  holy  profession  whereunto  I  am 
called,  of  a  minister  of  Christ. 

22.  Another  day  is  passed^  and  another  week,  in 
which  I  have  very,  very  little  lived  according  to  my 
prayer ;  seldom'  feeling  myself  alone  with  God.  My 
heart  has  not  been  drawn  out  in  prayer :  neither  has  his 
word  been  sweet  to  me,  and  this  I  may  safely  attribute 
to  my  not  giving  more  time  to  the  work.  Most  of  the 
morning  passed  in  reading  Poole  on  the  1st  of  John. 
In  my  walk,  I  met  with  C.  with  whom  I  talked  with  far 
too  little  restraint  in  his  own  way,  on  the  oriental 
languages.  I  should  not  talk  to  a  miser  on  the  way  of 
getting  money ;  so  neither  should  I  talk  with  C.  on  that 
which  is  his  idol.     After  dinner,  I  was  in  a  peaceful 

melancholy,     at   hearing    of  the  death   of  P at 

Gibraltar  :  death  was  pleasant  to  me,  though  I  had  little 
joy  or  nearness  to  God ;  but  I  wished  for  no  work,  no 
employment  in  earth  or  heaven,  but  the  service  of  God. 
Visited  an  old  woman  dying,  full  of  self-righteousness ; 
I  tried,  in  vain,  to  convince  her.  By  going  to  chapel, 
and  pupils,  I  was  not  alone  till  seven ;  from  which  time 
I  was  greatly  dejected,  at  my  utter  unprofitableness,  and 

inability  to  write  sermon.    G and  H had  come 

to  sup  with  me,  and  my  heart  enjoyed  much  of  a  humble 
spirit. 

23.  (Sunday.)  In  great  depression  of  spirits,  and 
self-abasement,  I  prayed  this  morning,  and  felt  the 
power  of  religion.  My  soul  was  alone  with  God,  and  I 
hoped  I  should  be  steadily  with  him  all  the  day.  I  felt 
fully  disposed  to  go  any  where,  or  to  do  any  thing  for 
God  ;  not  from  zeal,  but  from  resignation,  and  a  sense 


1804]  JOURNAL.  207 

of  utter  worthlessness  and  unprofitableness.  I  was  told 
of  the  death  of  the  self-righteous  woman  I  visited ;  and 
also  of  the  sudden  death  of  a  dear  Christian  female 
friend.  My  views  on  death  were  somewhat  different 
from  lately.  I  have  rather  wished  to  liVe  to  do  some- 
thing for  God  ;  but  now  I  wished  rather  to  die,  to  be 
free  from  my  sinfulness  and  uselessness.  Preached  at 
L— —  on  the  Ninth  Commandment,  and  visited  some 
people,  and  was  somewhat  revived  by  singing  hymns  with 
one  latterly  profane.  In  my  ride  home,  still  had  some 
slavish  fear.  At  supper  in  hall,  had  a  little  share  of 
conversation,  and  said  something  that  I  trust  will 
fasten.  I  had  perfect  command  of  myself,  which  is 
my  main  object :  for  if  I  say  any  thing  that  can  be  gain- 
sayed,  I  had  much  better  not  have  spoken  at  all. 

24.  .  The  whole  day  almost  was  employed  in  writing, 
in  which  God  graciously  assisted  me  far  beyond  my  ex- 
pectation. This  was  rather  reviving  to  my  spirits,  and 
led  me  to  thankfulness.  By  sitting  till  very  late,  so  long 
without  bodily  motion,  was  chilled,  the  whole  night, 
and  got  little  sleep. 

25.  My  morning  thoughts  were  unworthy  of  this 
sacred  day,  till  they  were  somewhat  sanctified  by  prayer* 
Read  at  St.  Edward's  church,  and  delivered  the  cup  at  the 
sacrament  for  the  first  time.  I  longed  to  be  rightly 
afiected  with  contrition  and  devotion,  but  all  in  vain ;  I 
found  the  body  of  sin  and  death  very  oppressive. 
Preached  at  Lolworth  on  Johni.  14.  to  a  very  small 
congregation,  but  with  my  own  heart  affected.  On  my 
return,  dined  with  Mr.  B.  and  our  conversation  in 
general  was  such  as  becometh  the  gospel  of  Christ.  At 
church,  at  night,  had  reason  to  lament  the  want  of  pri- 
vate communion  with  God ;  as  my  thoughts  were  too 
easily  apt  to  fix  on  outward  things,  to  engage  in  the 
ordinances.  Yet  in  the  latter  part  I  thought  I  had  a 
great  and  tender  love  for  souls,  and  that  I  could  long  to 
see  every  one  of  them  coming  to  Christ,  and  being 
happy.  In  my  rooms  meditated  a  long  time  on  the 
latter  part  of  Galatians  ii.  and  though  I  had  scarcely  any 


208  JOURNAL.  [1804 

insight  into  it,  my  soul  rejoiced  in  hope  of  experiencing 
the  power  of  the  cross  of  Christ,  even  as  the  apostle. 

26.  Had  some  enjoyment  in  prayer ;  but  I  need  very 
much  a  day  of  humiliation,  and  continued  supplication. 

had  breatcfasted  with  me.     Though  my  mind  was 

at  times  spiritual,  my  conversation  was  but  little  agree- 
able to  the  simplicity  and  humility  of  the  gospel.  The 
whole  morning  was  taken  up  by  the  calls  of  different 
people ;  to  one  of  my  pupils  I  declared  the  counsel  of 
God  ;  in  my  walk  out  endeavoured  to  think  on  the  life 
of  faith,  and  in  a  short  season  before  dinner,  found  the 
presence  of  God  in  prayer.  Went  into  the  combination 
room  after  dinner,  where  some  of  those  present  kept  me 
constantly  employed,  by  asking  me  questions,  to  make 
me  speak  against  the  usual  amusements  of  men.  In  the 
evening,  read  Grotius'  Commentary  on  the  1st  of  Reve- 
lations, and  wrote  to  my  brother.  At  night,  passed 
some  hours  in  meditating  on  Gal.  ii.  20.  It  is  very 
delightful  to  enter  into  the  spirit  of  the  Epistles  in  any 
measure — indeed  of  any  part  of  the  word  of  God :  I  find 
that  it  is  the  sincere  milk  by  which  I  grow.  In  the 
midst  of  my  vanities  and  fickleness,  I  find  no  pleasure 
at  all,  save  in  the  views  of  eternity. 

27.  Had  great  difficulty  to  keep  my  mind  in  peace 
all  this  morning,  from  anxiety  about  this  evening's 
ministrations.  After  writing  a  French  letter  to  Vivian, 
the  French  officer,  I  went  out  to  a  funeral,  and  was  de- 
tained by  it  the  whole  morning.  I  endeavoured  to 
employ  my  time  well,  by  making  occasional  reflections 
on  the  people  about  me  ;  but  chiefly  by  meditating  on  a 
subject  for  the  evening.  In  prayer,  after  this,  I  strove 
to  exercise  faith,  and  to  stay  my  mind  upon  God,  which 
he  enabled  me  to  do.  At  dinner,  I  was  obliged  to 
be  engaged  in  the  same  subject  of  meditation,  and 
though  my  mind  was  not  quite  easy,  many  profit- 
able reflections  suggested  themselves.  After  dinner, 
I  officiated  at  another  funeral.  From  the  deadness 
of  my  soul  to  holy  thoughts  and  unfitness  for  duty, 
I  thought  it  would  have  been  happier  for  me  to  have 


1804]  JOURNAL.  209 

been  fasting  than  feasting.  Drank  tea  at  N— — ,  where 
I  spoke  with  ease  and  clearness  on  Gal.  ii.  20.  for  a 
good  while.  Went  away  in  great  thankfulness,  and 
desire  to  be  agaih  employed  in  God's  service  at  home  ; 

but  to  my  dissatisfaction,  ,  whom  I  knew  six  years 

ago,^came  in,  and  sat  with  me  till  near  midnight,  dis- 
puting on  religion.  I  was  perfectly  dispassionate 
throughout,  and  proved  every  thing  he  said  to  be  false ; 
but  such  a  mixture  of  profaneness,  infidelity  and  in- 
genuity, filled  my  soul  with  anguish.  Oh  how  I  longed 
to  be  in  heaven,  out  of  the  way  of  such  ungodliness. 
What  a  life  will  it  be  to  me  to  pass  through  a  world  of 
such  men  ;  but  the  time  will  one  day  be  over,  and  then 
I  shall  see  none  but  holy  servants  of  God  ;  but  my 
business  here,  is  to  carry  God's  light  through  a  world 
of  darkness. 

'28.  Employed  this  morning  in  reading  Erpenius's 
Arabic  grammar,  and  writing  to  Mr.  J.  on  public 
amusements.  In  my  walk,  and  during  dinner,  was 
meditating  on  John  xiii.  17.  for  the  evening.  It  is 
good  for  me  to  have  no  care  or  comfort,  but  what  I  can 
get  by  faith  ;  my  peace  is  purer.  I  sat  in  combination 
room  an  hour  after  dinner,  but  felt,  on  coming  out,  that 
I  could  hardly  expect  to  receive  God's  blessing  on  my 
own  heart,  and  this  evening's  ministrations,  after  ne« 
glecting  the  due  means.  But  He  graciously  assisted  me 
this  evening,  *  both  in  exposition  of  John  xiii.  and  in 
prayer.     For  two  hours  afterwards  employed  in  writing 

out  my  letter  to   S ;  with   my   soul  occasionally 

cheered  by  joyful  views  of  another  world. 

29.  Much  of  the  morning  wasted  by  irregular  read- 
ing, Grotius's  commentary,  newspapers,  &c.  by  which 
my  mind  was  left  more  unhappy  than  if  it  had  been 
oppressed  by  too  much  business.  Visited  the  poor 
Magdalene  this  afternoon,  she  seemed  to  be  dying. 
P and  — —  took  wine  with  me,  and  in  conse- 
quence of  theological  disputes,  staid  till  nine.  I  was 
exceedingly  grieved  afterwards  at  having  lost  so 
much  precious  time, — never,  never  to  be  recovered  ;  in 


310  JOURNAL.  [1804 

which  I  recollected  I  might  have  been  comforting  many 
poor  souls,  or  storing  my  mind  with  knowledge,  or 
growing  more  spiritual  by  prayer.  Smith  on  '  Sacred 
Offices/  in  a  part  speaking  of  the  necessity  of  prayer,  was 
made  very  useful  to  me.  I  felt  that  I  neither  hadi^or 
was  thinking  of  giving  so  much  time  to  prayer  ioi^  my 
poor  people  as  I  ought. 

30.  (Sunday.)  Most  shamefully  wasted  much  time 
in  bed,  and  rose  full  of  shame  and  anguish,  which  con- 
tinued in  a  less  degree  all  day.  Preached  at  St.  Giles' 
church  on  John  iii.  3.  without  notes,  and  went  through 
it  with  distinctness  and  correctness,  though  both  body 
and  mind  were  in  a  stupid  state.  In  the  afternoon,  at 
the  same  church,  on  Acts  xx«  21.  Read  and  prayed 
afterwards  with  Mrs.  S.  and  another.  In  the  evening 
before  church,  was  a  little  enlivened  by  a  sense  of  God's 
mercy.  At  church,  several  things  served  to  humble  me, 
and  make  me  think  slightly  of  myself. 

31.  I  had  determined  last  night,  to  devote  this 
morning  to  practical  reading  and  prayer,  but  when  the 
morning  came,  I  was  very  unwilling  at  first,  to  leave 
many  things  undone,  as  would  be  necessary ;  but,  how- 
ever, I  did  devote  the  morning  to  it,  and  found  the 
presence  of  God  with  me>  so  that  I  was  enabled  to  stir 
up  my  attention  constantly,  and  to  watch  unto  medita- 
tion and  prayer.  My  mind  was  also  vigorous  in  my 
walk.  After  dinner,  a  party  of  religious  friends  sat  with 
me,  whose  names  I  will  write,  that  I  may  remember  them 
this  time  twelve-month,  if  God  spare  my  life.  Our  con- 
versation was  tolerably  useful.  The  rest  of  th€  evening 
I  enjoyed  much  of  God's  presence,  and  in  prayer  at 
night  was  full  of  joy ;  devoting  myself  to  God's  service, 
and  rejoicing  at  the  lapse  of  time.  But  alas !  I  may 
taruly  groan  at  the  unprofitableness  of  the  last  year.  For 
the  first  half,  I  was  severely  tried,  and  then  I  was  but 
little  resigned  to  the  righteous  dispensations  of  God.  It 
then  pleased  the  Lord  to  deliver  me,  but  instead  of 
rmdering  him  joyful  service,  as  I  expected,  I  seem  to 
have  more  pride  and  lukewarmness.     In  two  things  I 


[1805  JOURNAL.  211 

see  a  lamentable,  a  melancholy  defect.  I  am  not  a  man 
of  prayer.  I  pray  frequently  for  myself,  and  with  fer- 
vor, but  I  am  not  found  a  man  to  stand  in  the  gap. 
Secondly,  I  do  not  fed  that  I  am  performing  the  duties 
of  the'ministry  in  that  part  of  it  which  respects  private 
visiting.  This  evil  indeed  is  the  consequence  of  the 
former.  But  my  soul  panteth  after  holiness,  nothing 
appears  at  all  desirable  to  me  for  a  moment,  but  God. 
May  he  make  his  creature  spiritual.  So  closes  the  easy 
part  of  my  life,  encircled  by  every  earthly  comfort,  and 
caressed  by  friends,  and  never  long  under  spiritual 
affliction.  I  may  be  perhaps  said  scarcely  to  have  ex*- 
perienced  trouble,  but  now  farewell  ease  ;  if  I  may  pre- 
sume to  conjecture,  the  next  year  will  bring  with  it 
difficulties  or  death.  Perhaps  I  shall  never  see  the  ter* 
mination  of  another  year  ;  now,  therefore,  O  Lord,  into 
thy  hands  I  commit  my  spirit,  for  thou  hast  redeemed 
me,  oh  Lord,  thou  God  of  truth.  May  I  be  saved  by 
thy  grace,  and  be  sanctified  to  do*thy  will  now,  and  to 
all  eternity,  through  Jesus  Christ.     Amen. 

January  1,  1805.     (See  Memoirs.)   R  93,   ed.  10. 

2.  I  found  great  peace  and  increase  of  spirituality  in 
considering  prayer  my  proper  business  :  the  going 
among  our  people,  which  used  to  fill  me  with  anxiety, 
appeared  easy  and  pleasant  to  me :  read  at  church  with 

seriousness,  and  no  temptation  at  all  to  levity. 

and ,  by  constant  questioning  and  arguing  with 

me,  gave  me  a'  most  complete  opportunity  of  tell- 
ing them  almost  all  I  could  have  wished.  I  went 
away  greatly  pleased,  though  somewhat  pained  at 
having  wounded **s  feelings  by  too  strong  ex- 
pressions of  my  indignation,  at  his  having  been  publicly 
singing  anacreontic  songs.  After  an  hour  in  my 
rooms,  I  went  to  W— — ^'s,  where  I  expounded  the  12th 
chapter  of  St.  John.  In  prayer  I  was  more  free  fi'om 
false  fervour,  and  was  more  deliberate  and  orderly. 
Thence  I  went  to  an  old  woman  who  was  dying,  and 
read  and  prayed  vni^  her. 

3.  Read  a  little  of  Basil  on  the  first  Psalm.     I  was 

p  2 


212  JOURNAL.  [1805 

struck  with  his  eloquence,  but  found  littk  evangelic 
truth.  I.  found  solemnity  and  seriousness  at  different 
times  in  prayer  this  morning,  but  in  my  walk,  my  heart 
was  ever  beholding  vanity.  At  church  I  was  in  a  very 
insensible  state,  but  my  thoughts  were  afterwards  more 
taken  up  by  considering  — — 's  words,  that  God 
generally  used  mean  instruments  of  conversion  in  pre- 
ference to  the  wise  and  learned.  The  exercise  of  humi- 
lity, to  which  this  gave  occasion  in  me,  was  a  very  pro- 
fitable one.  I  felt  quite  as  well  disposed  to  live 
labouring  and  praying  for  souls,  without  ever  being 
honoured  by  having  any  given  to  me,  as  with  prospects 
of  abundant  success.  May  flie  Lord  gather  them  how 
and  by  whom  may  be  most  to  the  advancement  of  his 
own  glory. 

4.  In  my  walk,  the  desire  of  my  heart  was  toward 
God,  but  the  body  of  death  kept  my  spirit  down,  yet  on 
fleeing  from  these  thoughts,  I  rose  for  a  while  to  hea- 
venly peace  and  joy.  •  After  dinner  found  an  opportu- 
nity  of  giving a  solemn    warning ;    the  rest  of 

the  evening  was  taken  up  with  preparation  for  my 
departure :  my  mind  was  affected  with  solemnity  and 
melancholy,  as  it  usually  is  in  such  times,  but  in  prayer 
it  was  a  sweet  reflection  that  I  was  a  stranger  and  pil- 
grim, that  I  neither  sought  nor  wished  to  have  my  rest 
on  earth.  Let  no  change  of  place  distract  my  mind 
from  being  constantly  in  prayer  to  my  God. 

5.  Rose  early,  and  my  spirit  was  in"  a  state  of  enjoy- 
ment.    In  the  coach  from  Cambridge  to ,  there 

was  a  very  clever  woman,  of  great  vivacity  and  infidel 
principles.  I  do  not  know  what  effect  all  that  I  have 
said  had  on  her,  for  there  was  so  much  levity,  that  her 
real  feelings  were  in  constant  disguise.  I  was  fre- 
quently depressed  at ,  by  the  solitude  and  spiri- 
tual darkness  of  the  place,  but  by  earnest  prayer  against 
these  feelings,  I  found  that  I  could  live  independ- 
ently of  all  created  comforts  upon  God  alone,  and  me- 
ditated in  peace  of  mind  upon  my  subjects  for  to- 
morrow, studying  how  I  might  speak  with  the  greatest 


1805]  JOURNAL.  213 

|y>ssible  plainness.     The    afternoon   was   passed  with 

,  who  has  been  long  oppressed  with  doubts  and 

fears.  In  the  evening  I  was  alone,  and  passed  some 
hours  in  reading  and  prayer  ;  the  sermon  of  Jonathan 
Edwards  on  the  '  Day  of  Judgment/  and  on  '  Tearful- 
ness hath  surprised  the  hypocrites/  made  me  tremble  at 
the  fearful  condition  of  lost  souls,  and  made  me  feel 
uncomfortable  at  the  consideration  of  such  a  melancholy 
subject.     Read  and  prayed  in  the  family. 

6.  (Sunday.)  Preached  to  a  small  congregation  on 
John  iii.  8,  with  needless  plainness,  and  rather  too  great 
familiarity,  as  I  learnt  afterwards,  and  in  the  afternoon 
on  2  Cor.  v.  20,  21,  at  which  time  the  earnestness  of 
my  manner  excited  the  mirth  of  many  people  present. 
I  was  greatly  grieved  at  it,  yet  perhaps  if  I  had  had 
their  benefit  more  at  heart,  I  should  have  taken  care  to 
deliver  these  truths  with  die  least  possible  offence ;  so 
that  even  in  this  case  I  may  reasonably  blame  myself. 
Afterwards  catechized,  and  sung  with  the  children.  In 
the  evening  read  one  of  Jon.  Edwards's  sermons  with 
,  whose  conversation  full  of  levity  and  inconsis- 
tency* especially  considering  the  day,  was  very  painful 
to   me;    his  incessant  loquacity  was  tiresome  to   me, 

almost  beyond  bearing.     I  could  scarcely  give the 

attention  consistent  with  common  politeness;  it  is  no 
wonder  such  sort  of  Christians  have  fears,  and  my 
exhortation  accordingly  to  him,  was  to  serve  God  better, 
and  to  pass  more  time  in  prayer.  In  private  afterwards, 
my  soul  was  drawn  out  in  fervent  prayer,  and  felt  the 
presence  of  the  glorious  God.  I  longed  to  be  ten  thou- 
sand times  more  devoted  to  him  than  I  had  been,  and  to 
pass  the  remainder  of  my  days  in  humble  laborious 
exertions  in  the  cause  of  Christ. 

7.  Left  B — — ,  and  arrived  at  dinner  in  Brunswick 
Square,  where  I  passed  the  remainder  of  the  evening 
very  agreeably  with  old  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Bates,  for  their 
favourite  subject  was  religion.  I  called  on  Mr.  Grant, 
who  told  me  I  might  certainly  consider  myself  as  des- 
tined for  India,  though  I  was  not  yet  appointed.     He 


214  JOURNAL.  [1805 

had  however  no  doubt  that  I  should  be  very  soon.  Tl^ 
situation  he  has  been  endeavouring  to  get  for  me,  was 
that  of  Chaplain  to  Fort  William.  Thus  it  pleases  God 
to  keep  me  in  a  certain  degree  unfixed,  and  it  is  but  that 
his  own  wise  purposes  should  be  fulfilled  in  their  time. 
I  find  these  apparent  delays  very  beneficial  to  me,  as  I 
perceive  that  God  works  in  providence,  as  in  nature, 
very  slowly,  which  is  a  check  to  youthful  rashness.  Had 
some  difficulty  in  prayer  at  night,  from  the  distractions 
of  the  day,  but  with  some  blessed  moments  of  drawing 
near  to  God,  and  away  from  the  world. 

8.  Walked  many  hours  in  the  street,  which  greatly 
disturbed  my  thoughts,  but  when  I  repeated  to  myself 
some  of  the  chapters  in  Ephesians,  I  was  with  God  and 
happy ;  on  my  return  home,  however,  I  was  astonished, 
on  reflecting  on  the  pride,  and  hardness,  and  wicked 
imaginations  that  have  been  teeming  in  this  corrupted 
heart.  Read  some  of  the  Psalms  at  home,  and  prayed 
in  some  shame  and  humility  against  the  repetition  of 
such  wickedness  :  while  I  walked  in  such  danger,  what 
but  God's  long-suffering  and  covenanted  mercy  preserved 
me?  In  the  evening  a  chapter  was  read,  and  Mr. 
— —  prayed,  and  then  we  sung,  *  Salvation,  oh  the 
joyful  sound,'  with  great  joy ;  my  own  mind  was  in 
general  quiet  and  collected,  but  I  was  very  slothful  in 
conversation. 

9.  In  reading  the  charge  to  the  priests  at  the  ordi- 
nation service,  I  was  affected  even  to  tears,  at  the 
importance  of  the  ministry.  The  great  mental  talents 
of  some  men  naturally  excite  my  envy,  but  when  I  am 
able  to  think  of  God,  who  hath  thus  gifted  his  crea- 
tures, I  have  often  had  new  views  of  him,  and  been 
astonished  at  the  greatness  of  his  glory,  and  his  tran* 
scendant  excellency,  and  been  filled  with  wonder  and 
delight,  that  so  mean  a  creature  should  belong  to  him 
as  much  as  angels. 

10.  Walked  about  the  grounds  before  breakfast, 
and  felt  little  disposed  to  exchange  my  humble  and 
laborious  calling,  as  it  appears  to  this  world,  for  the 


1805]  JOURNAL.  216 

ease  and  grandeur  of  the  rich.  My  mind  was  however 
getting  carnal  and  distracted  from  God^  by  somuchcom* 
pany,  and  so  little  prayer  and  reading.  Somewhat  re^ 
stored  by  reading  and  learning  the  Episde  to  the  Romans, 
but  alas  1  I  find  it  requires  more  exertion  and  communion 
with  God,  to  maintain  that  due  spirituality  of  mind,  than 
I  am  using.     I  was  a  long  time  engaged  in  writing  to 

,  because  it  was  on  a  subject  on  which  I  knew  not 

my  own  mind;  it  was  about Lydiar:  after  some  delibe«* 
ration,  I  ventured  to  request  a  correspondence  with  her  j 
but  my  heart  felt  submissive  before  God,  how  he 
should  ordain  it. 

11.  After  breakfast  began  to  read  Isaiah,  being  in 
great  need  of  being  quickened  by  God,  and  wam^  by 
his  word,  and  I  found  some  life  in  the  exercise  of  readk 
ing  and  prayer.  We  called  on  Mr.  Cecil,  with  whose 
conversation  I  was  much  struck  and  edified :  after  Icaiv* 
ing  him,  I  called  on  ,  and  was  excessively  uneasy 
at  the  conversation  between  the  female  part  of  the  com* 
pany,  which  was  e&tirely  on  the  amusements  of  the 
world.     1  was  soon  about  to  ask  them  if  they  bad  ever 

found  happiness  in  these  things,  but coming  in, 

we  ^>oke  on  a  subject  much  more  agreeable  to  me. 
When  I  left  him,  I  seemed  to  feel  again  the  pain  of 
parting  with  Lydia,  but  I  renewed  the  dedication  of 
myself  to  God  and  his  service:  officiated  at  family 
worship,  and  was  serious  in  prayer,  which  I  am  sure 
was  a  mercy  I  had  no  need  to  expect,  after  the  levity 
and  neglect  of  the  day.  But  God  is  plenteous  in  good-^ 
ness,  and  rich  in  m«rcy.  He  dealeth  not  with  us  after 
our  sins,  neither  rewardeth  us  after  our  iniquities. 

12.  Left  London  in  low  spirits,  partly  from  illness 
and  partly  from  the  dissipation  of  my  thoughts  from 
delight  in  God.  During  the  whole  journey,  I  was 
exceedingly  stupid  and  heavy,  generally  thinking  of 
Lydia :  on  my  arrival  I  cried  to  God  for  deliverance 
from  my  present  state  of  lukewarmness  and  irreligion, 
and  found  some  little  increase  of  spirituality  after  pray* 
ing.     Strove  to  feel  in  prayer  the  awfulness  of  eternity. 


216  .     JOURNAL.  [1805 

and  of  the  work  of  the  ministry.  O  that  I  may  watch 
for  souls,  as  one  who  must  give  an  account.  O  that  I 
may  hear  God's  trumpet  sound,  and  warn  souls,  lest 
they  should  perish,  and  their  blood  be  required  at  my 
hand.  Would  to  God  I  was  stirred  up  to  feel  the  afiec- 
tions  of  a  minister.     I  was  in  some  doubt  whether  I 

should  send  the  letter  to  E ,  as  it  was  taking  a  very 

important  step,  and  I  could  scarcely  foresee  all  the  con- 
sequences. However  I  did  send  it,  and  may  now  be 
said  to  have  engaged  myself  to  Lydia. 

13.  (Sunday.)  Rose  in  great  self-abasement,  and 
shame,  and  grief,  at  having  no  fruits  of  labour  to  offer 
to  God  this  day.  I  was  enabled  most  of  the  day  to 
retain  a  spirit  of  watchfulness,  perceiving  the  necessity 
of  stirring  up  myself  to  a  right  mind.  And  in  conse- 
quence, what  used  to  make  me  uncomfortable,  appeared 
very  agreeable.  I  was  pleased  with  the  thought  of  being 
alone,  exposed  to  the  inclemencies  of  the  weather,  and 
deprived  of  earthly  comforts,  thinking  I  should  be  a 
gainer  on  the  whole,  by  having  mpre  of  the  presence  of 
God,  and  experiencing  the  power  of  Christ  resting  upon 
me.  I  prayed  before  sermon  that  God  would  glorify 
himself,  and  not  me,  in  the  conversion  of  sinners,  and 
in  the  first  hymn  at  church  I  was  almost  overcome  with 
joy ;  I  hardly  ever  remember  to  have  tasted  such  un- 
mixed delight.  '  Thine  earthly  sabbaths,  Lord,  we 
love,'  was  the  hymn.  Oh,  I  thought,'  it  is  happy  to  pass 
one's  days  in  contention  with  the  flesh,  and  painful 
diligence,  if  it  was  only  because  they  so  much  brighten 
the  hope  and  the  prospect  of  glory.  Mr.  Simeon 
preached  on  **  Ye  cannot  serve  God  and  mammon,"  in 
a  most  clear  and  powerful  manner.  Found  much  edifi- 
cation at  night  in  reading  some  parts  of  the  sermons  of 
that  great  man,  Jonathan  Edwards,  as  I  did  of  quick- 
ening in  the  morning  from  David  Brainerd. 

14.  A  day  of  struggling  with  natural  corruption, 
not  operating  in  a  way  of  gross  sinfulness,  but  inces- 
santly leading  me  away  from  God  into  vanity  and 
cares.     By  walking  time  I  wa^  become  peevish,  though 


1805]  JOURNAL.  217 

prayer  at  intertrals  in  the  moroing  had  given  me  mo- 
mentary tranquillity.  Continued  diligently  watching 
over  my  own  frame,  and  striving  to  sooth  it  into  com- 
fort and  happiness  by  dependence  on  God.  Catechized 
the  children  the  whole  afternoon,  and  by  reason  of 
standing  in  the  cold  and  keeping  them  in  order/ 1  was 
excessively  fatigued.  Did  little  dl  the  rest  of  the  even- 
ing ;  without  prayer  I  should  have  sunk  into  great 
dejection,  but  God  by  that  stiQ  kept  me  in  general  with 
my  head  above  mine  enemies  round  about.  I  had 
several  little  things  to  try  my  patience  to-day,  and  my 
soul  longed  at  first  to  depart,  but  I  saw  it  to  be  nobler 
to  live  out  the  troubles  of  life. 

15.  I  was  sorely  tried  this  morning  by  an  unhappy 
spirit  of  distrust  and  anxiety,  from  which  repeated  prayer 
gav»  me  only  a  temporary  relief.  I  sat  an  hour  with 
Mr.  Simeon,  who  much  reprobated  the  idea  of  my 
being  settled  near  or  at  Calcutta,  as  Mr.  Brown  or 
Buchanan  would  want  me  to  take  their  places  in  the 
college,  and  I  should  be  more  than  half  a  secular  man. 
He  said  he  wished  me  to  be  properly  a  missionary,  one 
who  should  be  quite  dead  to  this  world  and  living  for 
another.  I  thought  of  my  dear  Lydia  as  he  spoke  thus, 
but  without  regret,  except  that  I  had  written  that  letter, 
for  my  inclination  entirely  coincided  with  Mr.  Simeon's 
opinions.  Went  to  meet  a  person  at  whose  house  I 
had  been  entertained  some  years  ago.  There  was  a 
great  deal  of  abuse  of  missionaries,  especially  of  those  at 
Otaheite,  and  with  all  this  there  was  of  course  a  consi- 
derable number  of  errors  asserted.  Against  all  which 
the  Lord  enabled  me  to  keep  my  ground  and  to  bear 
testimony  ;  with  the  bible  in  my  hand  and  Christ  at  my 
right  hand  strengthening  me,  I  can  do  all  things.  What 
though  the  world  believe  not,  God  abideth  true,  and  my 
hope  in  him  shall  be  stedfast. 

16.  In  my  walk  I  was  meditating  on  the  subject  of 
the  sermon  ;  my  desires  were  strong  at  this  time,  to  be 
preaching  to  the  gentiles,  but  more  from  a  sight  of  its 
excellency,  than  love  to  Christ  or  souls.     Could  not 


218  JOURNAL.  [1805 

procure  a  right  spirit  this  afternoon,  longer  than  for  a 
few  moments  after  prayer.  At  times,  when  I  had  the 
feelings  of  one  anxix)uisly  concerned  to  preach  faithfully 
to  souls,  I  was  Tery  happy,  and  my  work  waspleasant, 
but  I  have  had  very  little  of  the  presence  of  God  to-day. 
Let  "nife  never  rest  quietly  without  it. 

17-  £ndeavoiu-ed  to  compose  my  mind  to  a  right 
frame  of  seriousness,  of  indifference  to  the  opinions  of 
the  world,  and  a  solemn  regard  for  souls.  But  I  want 
more  solitude  and  prayer,  in  order  to  maintain  a  sted-* 
fast  regard  to  eternal  things,  and  God*s  presence. 
Preached  at  Trinity  Church  on  John  i.  14.  the  sermon 
was  deficient  in  seriousness,  and  though  I  felt  no  desire 
to  glorify  myself,  it  did  not  seem  as  if  God  were  peak- 
ing by  me.  Having  but  one  pupil  this  term,  I  hope  to 
be  more  at  leisure  for  the  work  of  the  ministry,  and  4hat 
my  God  will  give  me  grace  to  improve  my  opportunities 
with  very  great  diligence.  The  worldly  conversation  I 
am  so  much  engaged  in  finom  day  to  day  is  very  dead' 
ening.  It  is  sweet  indeed  still  to  find  God  my  hiding- 
place  and  my  shield,  but  my  thoughts  wander  from  him 
in  prayer  for  want  of  spiritual  exercise. 

18.  Read  in  Edwards,  and  wrote  on  a  subject.  In 
my  walk  was  thinking  on  ''  Wilt  thou  be  made  whole,'' 

After  dinner  's  friends,  with    some  others,    took 

wine  with  me ;  the  conversation,  though  not  much  on 
religion,  was  interesting  and  learned.  Had  occasion  to 
lament  afterwards,  a  levity  and  unfeelingness  of  heart ;. 
this  is  my  constant  error.  I  would  that  I  were  as 
Christ,  holding  myself  in  tender  coUectedness  of  mind, 
ready  to  do  good,  and  always  feeling  a  desire  after  it. 
'  19.  Had  my  temper  greatly  tried  this  morning. 
Almost  the  whole  of  my  morning  prayer  was  used  to  get 
my  spirit  at  peace. 

20.  (Sunday.)  Rose  with  my  mind  serious  and 
concerned  for  souls  ;  had  power  to  keep  the  worid  out  of 
sight,  almost  as  soon  as  it  intruded ;  from  Cambridge 
to  Lfolworth  I  was  enabled  to  pass  my  time  in  prayer, 
in  the  sweet,  serious,  sedate  sense  of  God's  presence.    I 


1805]  JOURNAL.  219 

fdt  more  of  the  missionary  spirit  than  I  have  ever  done, 
being  willing  at  the  time  to  run ;  find  pleasure  in  the 
thoughts  of  seeing  no  friend  or  companion  any  more, 
but  of  traveUing  about  in  the  same  inclement  weather  as 
now,  preaching  the  kingdom  of  God  to  the  most  igno* 
rant.  There  appeared  great  glory  and  excellency  in  the 
work,  and  I  longed  to  be  conformed  to  Jesus  Christ  in 
it.  PreaAied  on  Rom.  vii.  18,  heard  the  children  at 
school,  and  called  at  several  houses  where  the  people 
had  sta3red  at  home  on  account  of  weather.  One  couple 
tq  whom  I  had  been  most  kind,  were  pointedly  disres- 
pectful ;  such  is  the  ingratitude  of  man,  but  I  begin  to 
learn  by  experience,  how  incorrigible  and  intractable  he 
is.  Yet  I  will  not  cease  from  warning  every  one,  night 
and  day. 

21.  Walked  with  W ,  and  was  tolerably  under 

self-command.  Passed  the  whole  afternoon  in  cate- 
chi2dng,  and  was  as  before,  greatly  fatigued.  After  an 
hour  of  Thucydides  with  my  pupil,  I  passed  the  remainder 
of  the  evening  in  meditation,  on  a  subject  of  Scripture, 
and  prayer,  and  was  much  assisted.  In  prayer  cried 
for  mercy,  under  a  sense  of  my  guilt  and  great  danger. 
My  whole  soul  went  forth  to  take  hold  of  Christ,  and 
to  keep  nigh  to  him,  lest  I  shoidd  perish.  W^it  to 
bed  with  my  flesh  trembling  for  fear  of  God's  judgments. 

22.  Passed  the  morning  im  meditation  on  Job  xxvii. 
8 — 10.  This  afternoon  a  letter  came  from  Mr.  G. 
desiring  me' to  sail  for  St.  Helena  in  eight  or  ten  days., 
The  suddenness  of  this  call  produced  some  perturbation 
of  spirits.  As  I  cannot  be  ordained  priest  till  after  the 
18th  of  February,  it  is  impossible  to  go  so  soon,  but  I 
think  I  shall  go  immediately  after.  I  found  great  need 
of  prayer  for  tranquillity  and  composure  of  mind,  and 
for  an  affectionate  remembrance  of  these  dear  people  I 
am  about  to  leave,  that  my  last  discourses  may  be  more 
spiritual  and  awakening  than  the  former  ;  and  also  for 
preparation  for  death,  that  it  may  not  come  upon  me 
unawares ;  but  that  if  I  am  summoned  to  the  bar  of 
}U(%ment  in  the  midst  of  the  bustle  of  departure  from 


220  JOURNAL.  [1805 

this  country,  my  accounts  may  be  all  ready  and  right. 
Felt  more  persuaded  of  my  call  than  ever,  indeed  there 
was  scarcely  a  shadow  of  a  doubt  left.  Rejoice,  oh  my 
soul,  thou  shalt  be  the  servant  of  thy  God  in  this  life, 
and  then  in  the  next  for  all  the  boundless  ages  of 
eternity. 

23.  Uncomfortable  most  of  this  day  from  a  sense  of 
mis-spent  time.  Walked  out,  with  my  soul  toward  God, 
and  my  thoughts  much  employed  on  my  approaching 
departure.  In  the  evening  read  a  lesson  in  Hindostanee, 
but  found  myself  in  great  uneasiness  from  my  utter  un- 
profitableness. I  cried  to  God  for  deliverance  from  this 
lukewarm,  irregular  state.  The  reading  of  Col.  i.  im- 
mediately after,  was  applied  to  my  heart  and  conscience. 
Went  to ,  hoping  there  might  be  suitable  conver- 
sation amongst  us.  But  the  utmost  levity  prevailed.  I 
was  not  carried  away  with  it  at  all,  but  I  excited  myself 
very  little  to  promote  suitable  subjects.  It  is  miserable 
living  with  men ;  were  I  not  commanded  to  seek  my 
religion  from  God,  and  to  find  my  comfort  in  his  pre- 
sence and  work,  I  should  be  very  unhappy. 

24,  Waited  in  the  greatest  expectation  for  a  letter 
from  Mr.  Grant ;  reading  in  the  meantime  the  Hin- 
dostanee, but  no  letter  came.  Then  read  and  prayed 
over  Col.  i.  and  ii.  Alas  !  how  little  do  I  know  of  ex- 
perimental religion!  how  little  am  I  influenced  by 
such  spiritual  motives  as  the  apostle  there  inculcates. 
Walking  in  Christ  Jesus  is  something  very  different 
from  what  our  reason  would  ever  suggest,  or  is  willing 
to  give  up  to.  May  I  know  tliose  evangelical  mysteries. 
Passed  the  rest  of  the  morning  in  meditation  on  a  sub- 
ject for  a  sermon.  Spent  the  afternoon  with  some 
friends  very  delightfully.  We  sung  some  hymns  with 
music.  I  felt  much  animated  in  devotednes»  to  the  ser- 
vice of  my  God,  especially  in  the  missionary  work.  After 
an  hour  with  my  pupil,  went  to  church,  and  was  edified 
by  Mr.  Simeon's  sermon  on  Rom.  viii.  12.  and  felt 
greatly  influenced  to  mortify  the  flesh,  and  to  keep  it 
under,  especially  its  slothful  inclinations ;  this  world  is 


1805]  JOURNAL.  221 

not  the  place  to  consult  ease.  Oh  may  I  receive  grace 
never  to  be  in  bondage  to  it,  as  I  am  by  nature.  Saw 
the  Mohawk  after  church,  and  was  filled  with  pity  to 
find  he  was  going  back  from  the  goodness  of  God. 

25.  Rose  early,  and  wrote  sermon  before  breakfast, 
afterwards  read  Hindoostanee.  Continued  the  whole 
morning  in  expectations  of  a  letter  ;  at  last  it  came,  and 
contained  Mr.  Grant's  urgent  request  that  I  might  go  in 
eight  days,  but  I  found  it  was  illegal  for  the  Bishop  to 
ordain  before  twenty-four.  I  have  been  much  imder  the 
influence  of  a  light,  vain  spirit  to-day,  though  my  heart 
has  been  towards  God,  both  in  prayer  and  at  other 
times.  I  longed  to  get  near  him,  yet  my  wandering 
mind  led  me  continually  astray,  and  no  spirituality  re- 
mained an  hour  after  prayer.  I  could  use  the  most 
solemn  prayer,  and  have  the  most  solemn  desires 
pass  through  the  mind,  and  yet  rise  with  my  thoughts 
instantly  going  on  things  about  me,  without  any  holy, 
spiritual  grace.  At  night,  it  was  rather  better.  I  found 
renewed  profit  in  reading  the  latter  part  of  the  Epistle  to 
the  Thessalonians,  as  I  had  in  reading  the  first  part  in 
the  morning.'  The  epistles,  particularly  to  the  Ephesians, 
Philippians,  Thessalonians,  and  Colossians,  are  very 
useful  to  my  soul  at  present.  At  other  times  I  take  less 
{Measure  in  reading,  but  now  it  is  my  earnest  desire 
to  increase  in  spirituality  and  rest. 

26.  This  morning  in  prayer,  had  very  clear  views  of 
eternity,  and  of  my  work  on  earth.  I  longed  that  I 
might  not  say  one  word  to  men  of  myself,  from  my  own 
mind,  but  that  God  would  put  hia  own  word  into  my 
mouth,  that  I  might  feed  his  people  with  truly  spiritual 
food.  Was  generally  joyful  in  my  walk.  Till  midnight, 
continued  slowly  writing  with  repeated  intervals  and  dis- 
traction. The  nearness  of  my  departure,  and  the  interest 
so  many  people  take  in  it,  tended  to  harass  my  spirits, 
but  I  have  found  it  particularly  easy  to-day  to  stay 
myself  upon  God,  and  so  to  be  at  peace. 

27-  (Sunday.)  Preached  at  Trinity  on  Rom.  vii. 
18.     I  was  in  greater  fear  when  I  ascended  the  pulpit, 


222  JOURNAL.  1805] 

than  I  ever  remember  to  have  been ;  but  the  moment  I 
began  to  pray,  all  my  fears  vanished.  Mr.  Simeon 
pointed  out  the  faults  in  my  sermon  afterwards,  for  it 
seems  the  lower  people  in  general  were  not  able  to 
\mderstand  it.  In  my  ride  to  Lolworth,  was  a  little 
dejected  at  not  having  preached  intelligibly,  and  es- 
pecially as  I  feared  I  was  ill  cakulated  to  instruct  the 
poor  ignorant  heathen  ;  yet  surely  I  can,  if  I  am  on  my 
guard,  for  I  seem  to  be  able  to  instruct  children. 
Preached  at  Lolworth,  on  Acts  xx.  21.  to  an  attentive 
congregation,  I  think  with  great  plainness.  Sat  an  hour 
after  church,  with  a  woman  apparently  dying.  I  talked 
a  great  de^  to  her,  and  concluded  with  prayer.  Had 
much  of  God's  presence  on  my  return  home.  The  glory 
of  heaven  stirred  me  up  to  press  toward  the  mark,  and 
I  longed  to  be  doing  the  Lord's  work.  Prayed  at  night 
with  my  bed-maker. 

28.  Filled  with  shame,  or  rather  with  a  conviction 
that  I  ought  to  be,  at  the  waste  of  my  time  this  morning 
in  bed  ;  how  abominable  it  is  with  my  profession  of  re- 
ligion, to  throw  away  those  precious  moments  in  which 
the  rest  of  God's  people  have  been  employed  in  early 
devotion.  Walked  with  B.  who  told  me  there  was  dis- 
approbation with  some  people  yesterday  morning  at  my 
having  preached  instead  of  Mr.  Simeon.  This  made  me 
a  little  unhappy,  by  the  wound  it  gave  to  my  pride. 
But  may  God,  of  his  mercy,  mortify  this  vile  inmate  of 
my  heart,  and  teach  me  henceforth  to  be  willing  that  my 
name  should  be  cast  out  as  evil,  even  by  God's  people, 
and  that  God  should  have  aU  the  honour  and  glory. 
From  dinner  till  supper,  catechized  the  children.  I  cried 
unto  the  Lord  in  great  unhappiness.  I  could  profess  to 
him  that  I  was  not  dissatisfied  with  his  work  or  his 
commandments,  but  with  my  own  folly  and  corruption, 
whereby  my  vanity  is  of  power  sufficient  to  draw  my 
thoughts  away  from  God,  my  best,  my  dearest,  my  only 
portion.  Felt  an  exceeding  satisfaction  at  the  rich  word 
of  Christ  contained  in  the  Epistles,  as  I  read  Galatians 
at  night.     I  have    need    to  hunger   and   thirst  after 


1805]  JOURNAL.  223 

righteousness,   for  I  am  exceedingly  empty.     What  a 
happy  soul  should  I  he  were  I  quite  crucified  to  the  world. 

29.  In  my  walk,  was  chiefly  thinking  on  subjects  for 
the  evening.  In  the  aftelnoon,  wrote  to  S ,  ex- 
pressing high  things,  such  as  ardour  in  the  work  before 
me,  and  joy  in  God.  May  I  never  falsify  these  profes- 
sions. Passed  some  time  in  prayer  profitably,  going  over, 
before  God,  the  substance  of  the  things  I  meant  to  say 
to-night,  praying  to  have  them  wrought  into  my  own 
heart.  Just  before  I  began,  the  desire  of  my  heart  to  God 
was,  that  I  might  speak  with  exceeding  tenderness  and 
spirituality.  When  I  went  away,  my  mind  was  calm, 
and  thankful,  and  fit  for  other  service. 

30.  With  much  painful  conviction  of  my  constant 
unprofitableness,  I  had  sometimes  drawings  of  heart 
towards  God.  'Diis  morning,  read  Hindoostanee  gram- 
mar, and  meditated  on  a  subject ;  heard  a  sermon  at 
St.  Mary*s  ;  read  and  prayed  over  the  three  first  chapters 
of  Ephesians,  with  some  comfort  and  spirituality.  In  my 
walk,  meditated  still  on  sermon.  Dined  at  Mr.  Bates* 
with  Mr.  Simeon,  &c.  serious  and  collected  on  going 
amongst  them,  though  I  had  no  opportunity  for  prayer 
before.  The  conversation  there  was  agreeable  and 
spiritual,  and  I  thought  myself  in  pretty  good  order,  but 
on  recollecting  the  pride  and  vanity,  the  want  of  love 
and  eva^y  thing  good,  I  have  every  reason  to  abhor 
myself  in  dust, and  ashes.  Mr.  Simeon  told  me  on 
going  away,  that  he  supposed  I  should  not  go  for  nine 
or  ten  weeks ;  this  rather  displeased  me.  I  cried  to 
Ck>d  for  deliverance  from  my  discontented,  unholy  spirit^ 
and  obtained  some  relief.  Read  Ephesians  yfith  some 
comfort,  with  Grotius,  but  most  of  the  time  thinking  on 

"^-ir^or^xxiiii  24.  How  many  tempers  like  the  Devil 
have  I !  particularly  pride>  thinking  well  of  myself,  in 
spite  of  the  clearest  convictions  of  reason  and  experience ; 
and  such  petulance ;  it  is  well  if  God  through  his  mercy 
break  my  proud  self-will  by  contradiction ;  I  am  cqp- 
strained  to  acknowledge  the  greatness  of  his  patience 
with  such  a  wretched  creature. 


224  JOURNAL.  [1805 

31.  After  passing  the  first  part  of  the  morning  in 
prayer,  with  first  of  Philippians  I  sat  with  Mr.  Simeon 
conversing  on  chap.  i.  23,  24.  Finding  myself  in  great 
stupidity,  I  took  up  the  Hindoostanee  grammar,  that 
the  time  might  not  pass  away  without  any  profit.  While 
walking,  my  soul  longed  liter  conformity  to  God,  and 
to  be  helped  to  do  something  in  his  service.  E>eter- 
mined  with  myself,  if  nothing  prevented,  to  devote 
to-morrow  to  prayer;  the  prospect  sweetened  my  soul 
a  little.  Thought  a  long  while  at  night  on  1  Cor.  i. 
23,  24.  but  could  not  begin  to  write.  I  am  miserable 
while  I  see  the  time  hasting  away  and  nothing  of  it 
redeemed. 

Feb.  1 .  Was  4iiuch  at  a  loss  this  morning  to  know 
whether  I  ought  to  devote  this  day  to  prayer  or  not. 
I  felt  disposed  to  the  former,  but  considered  that  it  would 
be  impossible  to  prepare  a  sermon  for  Trinity  as  I  had 
promised.  Read  and  prayed  with  Phil.  ii.  and  iii.  with 
profit.  Oh,  God's  word  is  precious  to  me  at  this  time. 
Wrote  a  little  on  1  Cor.  i.  23,  24.  with  great  slowness  and 
difficulty.  In  prayer  after  dinner,  my  heart,  which  had 
been  quite  wandering,  was  restored  to  a  spirit  of  serious- 
ness, and  a  desire  to  be  employed  with  some  effect  in 
the  work  of  the  ministry.  Went  to  C,  and  sat  with 
him  an  hour.  In  prayer  in  one  part  of  it,  the  Spirit  of 
God  seemed  to  breathe  on  my  soul,  in  an  especial  man- 
ner, as  I  have  experienced  it  a  few  times  of  my  life. 
After  being  with  pupil,  went  to  a  class  and  spoke  on 
Jobxxvii.  8 — 10.  O  let  me  not  be  found  a  praying 
and  preaching  hypocrite  at  the  last.  They  seemed  to 
be  much  affected. 

2.  Again  had  the  painful  reflection  of  having  wasted 
time  in  bed,  through  indulgence  to  the  flesh.  God  is 
stiU  mercifully  pleased  to  send  down  his  Holy  Spirit, 
notwithstanding  my  poor  prayers  to  him.  Read  Judges 
and  Colossians.  Walked  with  B.  with  myspirit  a  little 
mi^re  guarded  than  usual.  *  I  came  with  grief  and  shame 
to  the  throne  of  grace,  confessing  how  much  time  I 
could  find  for  comparative  trifles,  such  as  sleeping,  walk- 


1805]  JOURNAL.  225 

ing,  reading  newspapers,  and  yet  so  little  time  for  God. 
My  soul  was  a  litde  restored.  I  longed,  as  in  most  of 
the  prayers  at  night  of  late,  that  I  could  entirely  forget 
this  world,  the  things  of  which  do  so  constantly  turn 
away  my  thoughts  from  God.  Continued  writing  most 
of  the  evening,  but  interrupted  by  a  long  train  of  reflec- 
tions on  my  solitary  tour  in  Wales,  and  the  sort  of  life 
which  awaits  me.  The  flesh  shrinks  at  times,  but  I  do 
not  regret  having  resigned  the  world.  No,  far  from  it. 
Life  is  but  a  short  journey,  a  little  day,  and  then  if  I  be 
faithful  unto  death  my  gracious  reward  will  begin. 

4.  Kept  stricter  watch  over  my  spirit  this  day  in 
general,  and  found  the  benefit  of  it.  Found  the  presence 
of  God  in  prayer  this  morning  composing  my  mind  into 
seriousness  and  solemnity.  I  tried  for  some  time 
to  drive  away  all  levity  in  .my  frame  as  soon  as  it 
appeared,  and  to  seek  for  the  unction  of  the  Holy  One. 
Was  exceedingly  delighted  with  a  sermon  on  sanctuary 
blessings,  in  the  *  American  Preacher.'  Here  again  I 
found  it  necessary  to  repress  such  lively  feelings,  and  by 
that  means  tasted  a  purer  joy.  Wrote  a  very  little  on 
1  Cor.  i.  23,  24.  In  my  walk  I  was  helped  to  keep  my 
mind  in  sobriety  and  regard  to  God,  though  amid  many 
temptations  to  the  contrary.  I  thought  I  observed  some 
contemptuous  disregard  towards  me  to-day.  It  was 
comfortable  to  reflect,  that  it  was  for  the  name  of  Christ. 
In  the  afternoon  catechised  the  children.  About  to  be 
dispirited  at  my  constant  backslidings,  but  for  a  clear 
and  heart-reviving  view  of  the  fulness  of  grace,  which  is 
in  Christ ;  to  him  I  came,  and  found  refreshment  and 
strength. 

5.  C.  stayed  so  late  this  morning,  that  I  had  no 
time  except  to  write  a  letter.  I  was  enabled,  however, 
to  stay  upon  God  by  faith,  feeling  assured  he  would  keep 
my  soul  in  peace,  and  instruct  me  how  to  perform  my 
public  duties.  In  my  walk  endeavoured  to.  think  on  a 
subject  for  the  evening,  as  also  at  dinner-time.  I  spoke 
on  the  latter  part  of  2  Thess,  xi.  but  though  I  had 
tolerable  fluency,  had  none  of  that  unction  which  much 

Q 


226  JOURNAL.  [1805 

communion  with  God  produces.  So  in  prayer,  I  had 
much  power,  but  I  am  persuaded  it  was  entirely  animal, 
for  I  had  no  clear  views  of  God's  excellency ;  did  not 
rise  more  humbled,  but  just  the  contrary,  nor  with  my 
soul  breathing  after  holiness,  for  I  was  disposed  to  be  as 
light  as  before ;  till  at  last  a  great  sense  of  guilt  arose 
in  my  mind,  on  account  of  the  little  solemn  impression 
left  by  the  late  religious  exercise.  Was  again  disposed 
to  dejection  and  departure  from  God,  but  I  have  learnt 
where  my  strength  lieth.  I  know  that  my  necessities 
should  only  lead  me  to  Jesus,  who  never  turns  away 
those  who  come  to  him  for  help. 

6.  Collected  passages  from  the  prophets,  predictive 
of  the  future  glory  of  the  church;  but  not  having  any 
specific  subject  to  meditate  on,  my  thoughts  went  much 
astray,  and  I  was  more  uncomfortable  than  when  my 
mind  was  oppressed  by  excess  of  care.  In  the  evening 
I  found  my  soul  in  great  need  of  deliverance  from  a 
lukewarm  state,  and  by  prayer  was  brought  to  more 
serious  self-recollection.  Alas !  so  much  communication 
with  men  is  very  prejudicial  to  me,  for  I  cannot  enjoy 
God  without  more  solitude,  and  oh,  how  wretched  is  the 
best  society  when  the  mind  is  unfitted  for  God.  Were 
I  to  stay  any  time  longer  at  the  university,  I  should  be 
bound  by  conscience  and  inclination  to  refuse  invitations 
of  this  sort.  Alas !  how  much  more  profitably  might 
all  this  precious  time  be  spent,  either  in  prayer,  or  study, 
or  visiting  some  poor  souls.  I  recollected  among  the 
sins  of  this  day,  having  neglected  an  opportunity  of 
conversation  with  a  man  whom  I  met  on  the  road, 
merely  through  disinclination.  How  vain  is  all  my 
supposed  delight  in  the  glory  of  the  church,  if  I  do  not 
exert  myself  for  individual  souls.  Learnt  that  a  man- 
date might  very  likely  be  procured  for  me,  for  taking  a 
B.  D.  degree ;  this  would  require  the  agreement  of  all 
the  heads,  and  then  a  grace  to  pass  the  senate,  before 
the  petition  could  be  presented  to  the  King  :  all  which 
will  tend  to  give  a  publicity  to  my  affair,  which  would 
be  a  trial  to  me.     But  while  my  God  vouchsafes  his 


1805]  JOURNAL.  227 

grace  to  my  soul,  by  which  I  can  in  prayer  rise  far  be- 
yond the  confusion  of  worldly  things,  I  need  not  much 
fear  the  influence  of  distracting  vanities. 

8.  Began  my  farewell  sermon,  and  wrote  till  the 
time  of  walking,  and  was  engaged  in  the  subject 
with  my  mind  at  peace.  In  the  afternoon,  for  want 
of  more  prayer  and  solitude,  my  conversation  with  my 
pupil  was  vain  and  inconsistent  with  the  gravity  and 
sweetness  of  the  gospel.  Afterwards,  I  came  to  God, 
having  no  plea  but  his  own  mercy  in  Christ,  and  found 
the  Lord  to  be  gracious,  plenteous  in  goodness  and 
truth,  for  he  restored  my  soul  in  a  good  measure.  The 
subject  of  God's  promises  respecting  the  future  glory  of 
the  church,  on  which  I  was  at  work,  was  exceedingly 
animating  to  me.  I  left  off  very  unwillingly  at  a  late 
hour,  and  longed  to  prosecute  the  subject  on  the  mor- 
row. I  cannot  imagine  to  myself  how  things  could  be 
differently  ordered,  so  as  to  be  more  for  God's  glory,  or 
more  ddightftil  to  my  soul.  The  nature  of  his  pro- 
mises, and  the  language  in  which  they  are  expressed,  are 
all  such  as  I  should  suppose  worthy  of  God,  and  are 
certainly  more  agreeable  to  my  mind  than  I  can  think 
they  would  otherwise  be. 

9.  An  unhappy  day  to  me  for  want  of  more  solitude 
and  prayer.  I  cannot  live  one  happy  hour  without 
more  or  less  communion  with  my  Cxod.  What  is  this 
world,  what  is  religious  company,  what  is  any  thing  to 
me  without  God  ?  They  become  a  bustle  and  a  crowd 
when  I  lose  sight  of  him.  The  most  dreary  wilderness 
would  appear  paradise  with  a  little  of  his  presence. 
How  I  long  to  be  left  alone,  that  my  thoughts  might 
wait  upon  God  without  any  distraction.  Began  the  day 
with  tolerable  comfort,  both  in  reading,  prayer,  and 
writing.  But  from  twelve  to  twelve  at  night,  was 
scarcely  at  all  alone.     Was  unexpectedly  obliged  to  go 

to  C ,  at  supper,  without  having  time  to  prepare  my 

soul  by  prayer,  and  the  consequence  was,  as  was  to  be 
expected,  when  I  might  have  attempted  to  give  the  con- 
versation a  religious  turn,  I  felt  a  foolish  and  sinful  fear 

Q  2 


228  JOURNAL.  1805] 

of  giving  offence.  The  conversation  was  literary.  Came 
away  with  much  pain. 

10.  C continued  with  me  till  three  quarters  of 

an  hour  before  church,  which  time  I  spent  principally  in 
prayer,  of  which  indeed  I  stood  greatly  in  need.  After 
dinner,  feeling  much  dejection,  went  to  prayer ;  at  first 
in  great  darkness,  but  soon  the  Lord  poured  out  his 
Spirit  in  rich  abundance,  and  brought  light,  and  joy, 
and  comfort  into  my  soul.  There  is  nothing  in  the 
weak  words  we  can  use,  so  astonishingly  to  change  the 
frame  of  the  heart,  but  God  fulfils  his  promises  of  being 
found  of  those  that  seek  him.  At  church  in  the  after- 
noon, my  heart  at  times  was  full.  The  kind  expression 
of  Christian  regard  I  received  from  a  young  person  who 
was  leaving  Cambridge,  and  expected  to  see  me  no  more, 
was  very  pleasing  to  me. 

1 1 .  Another  unprofitable  day.  Oh  the  misery  of  so 
much  conversation  with  creatures.  I  would  rather  be 
buried  for  ever  from  the  sight  of  man  in  a  wilderness, 
than  to  be  constantly  with  him.  Heb.  i.  and  ii.  was 
my  portion  this  morning ;  the  rest  of  the  morning  was 
spent  in  calls.  After  dinner,  catechized  the  children 
two  hours  and  a  quarter;  from  them  to  my  pupil ;  then  C. 
came  and  staid  till  ten  o'clock.  In  great  vexation  I  tried 
till  midnight  to  get  something  done,  but  wrote  very  litUe. 

12.  Breakfasted  with  C ,  but  my  mind  was  so 

uneasy  for  want  of  spiritual  duties,  that  I  could  not  say 
any  thing  at  all.  Afterwards  on  reading  Hebrews ,^and 
prayer,  my  peace  and  comfort  returned.  I  endeavoured 
to  put  myself  simply  into  the  hands  of  God,  prayed  that  I 
might  be  taught  of  the  Spirit  to  feed  the  church  of  God, 

C stayed  with  me  again  ;  he  has  been  a  great  trial 

to  my  mind  since  he  has  been  here,  but  how  foolish  am 
I  to  be  deprived  of  my  peace  of  mind  by  the  presence  of 
another;  no  one  can  hinder  the  range  of  the  spirit. 
Oh,  may  it  ever  dwell  near  my  God.  Oh,  may  the 
Lord  help  me  steadily  to  enjoy  that  peace  which  passeth 
all  understanding. 

13.  I  sought  of  God  in  prayer  a  spiritual  frame,  and 


1805]  JOURNAL.  229 

particularly  desired  I  might  not  use  the  word  of  God 
deceitfully,  enthusiastically,  or  hypocritically  this  even- 
ing, as  I  felt  myself  in  danger  of  doing.  The  Lord 
mercifully  poured  out  upon  me  a  spirit  of  prayer  and 
supplication  at  this  time,  so  that  I  continued  nearly  an 
hour  in  fervent  supplication,  chiefly  in  a  contrite  sense 
of  my  shameful  lukewarmness,  and  hardness  of  heart 

tovirards  Christ ;  talked  with  a  long  time,  about 

the  glory  of  the  Christian  warfare ;  with  great  con- 
ceit, as  I  perceived  afterwards  by  my  distance  from  God. 
Yet  he  mercifully  restored  me  to  a  more  self-abasing 
spirit.  The  rest  of  the  evening  I  wrote  pretty  freely  a 
sermon  for  to-morrow  night.  Blessed  be  God  for  ena- 
bling me  to  do  any  thing  at  all  for  his  glory. 

1 4 .  With  some  elevation  of  spirit  above  the  vain  world, 
I  preached  on  1  Cor.  i.  23, 24,  but  felt  not  very  well  sat- 
isfied afterwards.  I  was  afraid  it  was  not  plain  enough  for 
the  poor  people,  and  that  my  sermons  were  little  to  the 
heart,  and  too  much  in  generals.  After  supper  found 
great  comfort  in  approaching  to  God  in  prayer,  and  a 
sweet  return  of  precious  thoughts  of  eternity.  Oh,  why 
am  I  not  more  a  man  of  prayer?  How  the  Lord 
encourages  me  to  pray,  by  soon  giving  me  his  presence, 
when  I  have  been  seeking  him  but  a  very  little. 

15.  Passed  the  evening  in  conversation  about  the 
mission,  and  the  nature  of  the  difficulties  I  should  meet 
with  on  board  the  ship.  But  none  of  these  things 
move  me  at  present. 

16.  The  last  unprofitable  day  of  an  unprofitable 
week.  Almost  the  whole  morning  was  broken  up,  and 
in  private  duties  I  was  little  comforted ;  but  it  is  not 
fervour  that  will  keep  the  soul  alive,  without  long  and 
continued  communion  with  God.  After  dinner  had 
much  seriousness  in  prayer,  and  wished  for  nothing  but 
to  be  doing  the  work  of  Christ,  and  went  in  this  frame 
to  visit  the  woman  and  her  son.  The  room  was  so 
exceedingly  offensive,  that  I  could  scarcely  endure  it 
for  an  instant,  yet  by  care  I  was  able  to  continue  for 
about  half  an  hour. 


230  JOURNAL.  [1805 

I  felt  at  times  this  evening  a  dislike  to  all  God's 
work.  I  was  vexed  with  my  miserable  self,  and  discon- 
tented with  every  thing  that  lay  in  futurity.  But  in  prayer 
I  cried  to  God  to  be  delivered  from  my  worldly,  luke- 
warm, and  idle  state,  and  I  rose  more  humble.  My 
very  soul  groans  at  such  a  life  ;  nothing  done  for  God 

or  my  soul  to  any  good  piupose.     C told  me  I 

was  far  above  the  comprehension  of  people  in  general. 
Nothing  pains  and  grieves  me  more  than  this,  for  I  had 
rather  be  a  preacher  of  the  gospel  among  the  poor,  and 
to  the  poor,  so  as  to  be  understood  by  them,  than  be 
any  thing  else  upon  earth.  Would  to  God  my  soul 
were  quite  dead  to  this  wretched  world,  the  outward 
things  of  which  do  continually  plague  and  distract  me. 

17-  (Sunday.)  Somewhat  oppressed  this  morning, 
from  a  sense  of  my  unfitness  and  unacceptableness  to  a 
poor  congregation.  However,  I  was  in  no  great  danger 
from  a  vain  wandering  mind,  for  I  felt  base,  and  worth- 
less, and  unfit  to  be  among  God's  people.  It  was  suit- 
able, and  comfortable  to  me,  to  read  the  penitential 
sentences  at  the  beginning. 

Preached  at  Lolworth  on  1  Cor.  i.  23,  24,  and  my 
heart  towards  the  last  was  filled  with  the  truest  fervour. 
When  I  began  to  say,  **  And  we  now  preach  to  you 
Christ  crucified,"  and  to  exhort  them  to  come  to  him,  the 
Spirit  seemed  to  fill  my  heart ;  I  never  felt  a  stronger 
conviction  of  the  truth  of  the  gospel.  The  people  were 
very  attentive.  Called  on  the  sick  woman,  and  prayed 
by  her ;  my  heart  was  joyful  in  my  ride  home.  At 
church  in  the  evening,  at  the  first  hymn  was  affected  to 
tears,  with  a  sense  of  God's  love,  and  the  happiness  I 
enjoyed  in  his  favour,  and  so  in  a  less  degree  the  rest  of 
the  service. 

18.  My  birthday ;  but  I  have  been  able  to  make  few 
profitable  reflections  on  it.  Morning  prayer  brought 
me  to  seriousness  and  steadiness  ;  meditation  and  prayer 
on  Heb.  xi.  were  delightful  to  me.  After  dinner  cate- 
chized children.  At  night  the  Lord  mercifiilly  assisted 
me  much  in  my  studies.     Especially  in  preparing  to 


1805]  JOURNAL.  231 

speak  on  Hebrews  iv.  3,  and  Rev.  xxii.  11.  Yet  this 
heart  is  vain,  ahd  proud,  and  alas,  it  is  not  near  to 
God.  But  let  me  praise  his  holy  name,  for  having 
brought  me  to  the  end  of  my  24th  year  in  safety. 
May  the  world  never  have  occasion  to  mourn  at  my 
birth-day. 

19.  Passed  the  morning  in  reading,  prayer,  and 
meditation,  on  Heb.  ii.  3,  and  Rev.  xxii.  11,  with  my 
mind  generally  impressed  with  a  solemn  sense  of  duty. 
In  my  walk,  was  thinking  with  great  sallies  of  joy  and 
delight,  on  the  glorious  work  which  lay  before  me,  of 
carrying  happiness  to  the  benighted  heathen.  But  I 
endeavoured  to  moderate  the  outward  expressions  of 
joy,  that  it  might  be  more  pure  and  lasting.  After 
dinner  I  sought  to  solemnize  my  mind  by  prayer, 
and  passed  half  an  hour  in  the  exercise.  Read  and 
prayed  with  my  bed-maker  at  night.  O  my  soul,  be 
more  serious  and  holy.  The  work  of  God  is  my  busi- 
ness, and  the  more  I  attend  to  it,  the  more  easy  and 
satisfying  it  is  to  me. 

20.  Rose  early,  and  found  it  long  before  my  mind 
was  solemnized  to  any  seriousness  in  prayer.  At  length 
however  it  was,  and  I  felt  some  sobriety  of  spirit. 

21.  Walked  to  Drayton,  about  five  miles  off,  to 
see  a  woman  who  attends  Lolworth  church.  On  the 
road  I  had  little  of  the  presence  of  God,  but  was  kept 
from  wandering  farther,  by  learning  some  Scripture  by 

heart.    After  dinner  visited .  I  tried  to  keep  near  to 

God  by  continual  ejaculations  to  him,  as  I  went  along 
the  streets,  but  nothing  can  make  up  for  the  want  of 
stated  prayer.  In  the  evening,  after  my  heart  had  been 
going  farther  still  from  God,  so  that  I  could  not  read, 
I  betook  myself  to  prayer  when  alone,  and  oh,  how 
great  is  the  mercy  that  the  Lord  lets  me  come  nigh  him 
by  an  ordinance  so  simple.  How  wonderful  that  it 
should  be  made  the  means  of  bringing  me  to  that 
spirituality  and  peace  which  the  utmost  efforts  of  reason 
could  not  do  without  it.  The  rest  of  the  evening  wrote 
a  farewell  sermon. 


232  JOURNAL.  [1805 

22.  Being  excessively  tempted  to  worldliness,  I 
found  blessed  help  in  prayer,  so  that  with  my  pupil,  my 
deportment  was  serious  and  Christian  beyond  my  expec- 
tations all  the  rest  of  the  evening ;  a  great  many  hours 
I  spent  in  considering  what  is  meant  by  the  presence  of 
God,  yet  went  to  bed  not  much  dissatisfied. 

23.  Employed  in  writing  on  Rev.  iii.  20  :  1st  Epistle 
of  Peter  was  still  very  profitable  to  my  soul.  Having 
had  occasion  to  think  on  death  as  near,  from  having 
an  oppression  on  my  lungs^  I  could  repose  with 
a  solemn  quietness  on  the  blessed  God.  In  my  walk 
felt  some  tenderness  in  my  heart  for  souls.  How  easy  I 
thought,  and  pleasant  is  the  exercise  of  my  ministry,  to 
what  it  might  be  and  will  be  hereafter. 

24.  (Sunday.)  Riding  home  from  Lolworth,  I  was 
enabled  to  be  in  prayer  much  of  the  time.  I  was 
labouring  to  feel  an  entire  indifference  to  all  created 
comforts,  even  to  be  contented  to  be  without  the  ordi- 
nances. I  wanted  to  feel  myself  as  having  nothing  on 
earth  to  do  but  to  work  for  God,  and  as  having  to 
expect  no  comfort  but  communion  with  God.  I  endea- 
voured to  realize  my  future  life  as  a  missionary,  to  ask 
whether  I  could  be  satisfied  at  resigning  for  ever  all 
pleasing  society,  to  roam  about  a  desert  looking  for 
people  to  preach  to,  and  to  wait  upon  them,  patiently 
enduring  their  scorn  and  ill  treatment.  My  heart  did 
not  at  all  shrink  from  it,  but  on  the  contrary,  improved 
and  embraced  it.  It  has  been  in  general  a  blessed  day. 
Read  and  prayed  with  H at  night. 

25.  Rose  with  my  mind  uncomfortable  and  unbeliev- 
ing, but  by  prayer  recovered  a  little  of  heavenly-min- 
dedness  and  resignation.  The  whole  morning  passed 
away  in  business,  in  which  God  mercifully  kept  me  in 
great  calmness  and  unconcern  about  worldly  things. 
Called  on  Dr.  Milner,  the  Master,  and  Cotton,  about 
the  Mandate  Degree,  as  the  heads  were  to  meet 
to-day.  Drew  up  a  skeleton  for  this  evening,  and 
walked  a  little  in  the  court  in  great  tranquillity  of  mind. 
After  dinner  catechized  the  children,  and  presently  after, 


1805]  JOURNAL.  233 

went  to  tea  at  P.'s  Read  the  latter  part  of  Acts  viii. 
On  my  taking  occasion  from  Philip's  seeing  the 
Eunuch  no  more,  to  speak  of  my  short  fellowship,  some 
were  in  tears.  Much  of  the  rest  of  the  evening  passed 
in  reading  Hindoostanee,  during  which  time  I  wounded 
my  conscience  by  not  approaching  God  in  prayer, 
which  I  foolishly  delayed  to  a  later  hour.  Oh,  why  do 
I  suffer  my  heart  to  stay  away  a  moment  from  God,  the 
fountain  of  living  waters  :  why  do  I  not  fear  him  who 
hath  power  to  cast  both  soul  and  body  into  hell  ?  How 
much  do  I  want  to  have  the  fear  of  God  before  my 
eyes. 

26.  Had  intended  to  devote  this  morning  to  prayer, 
but  this  mandate  business  kept  me  out  of  doors  all  the 
time.  Began  to  meditate  after  breakfast,  on  Heb.  xi. 
13 — 16,  with  some  pleasure,  as  it  has  generally  been  a 
blessed  subject,  but  I  made  little  advance.  Called  on 
the  Master,  the  Registrar,  the  Vice-Chancellor ;  in  my 

walk  met ,   and  continued  with  him  till  dinner. 

My  heart  burned  with  pain  and  vexation  at  his  perni- 
cious errors.  I  talked  very  plainly,  and  with  a  full 
heart,  of  the  freeness  of  the  gospel  salvation.  I  pray 
God  he  may  be  enlightened  to  perceive  it.  Though  I 
was  very  warm,  I  said  nothing  that  I  am  aware  of  that 
could  offend  him,  or  that  appeared  to  do  it.  In  the 
afternoon  went  to  see  a  poor  yoimg  woman,  who,  after 
a  life  of  sin,  appears  to  be  now  in  a  dying  state,  though 
only  seventeen  ;  she  was  in  too  much  pain  to  attend  to 
me  much,  and  so  I  withdrew,  affected  almost  to  tears, 
partly  from  pity  to  her,  but  more  from  a  sense  of  the 
grace  of  God,  and  the  preciousness  of  that  gospel  com- 
mitted to  my  trust.  With  my  pupil  in  our  worldly 
studies,  I  had  that  same  turn  of  mind  I  so  often  faU 
into  with  him  ;  a  quarter  of  an  hour's  prayer  after  this, 
hardly  restored  my  mind  to  a  proper  tone,  yet  when  I 
went  at  the  appointed  hour  to  the  same  poor  creature, 
it  was  with  some  inward  tenderness.  A  lady,  ignorant 
of  the  true  way  of  salvation,  was  with  her  all  the  while 
I  was  there,  and  so  I  could  only  explain  the  way  to 


234  JOURNAL.  [1805 

Christ  so  as  to  suit  both,  without  any  thing  particular  to 
her. 

27.  Nothing  will  compensate  for  the  want  of  dose 
walking  with  God,  and  private  fervent  prayer.  After 
an  hour  with  my  pupil,  I  supped  with  him,  and  was  much 
enlivened  and  cheered  by  Christian  company,  yet  my 
soul  thirsteth  after  the  living  God.  At  night  in  prayer, 
I  had  much  tenderness  and  contrition  of  spirit ;  how  I 
longed  to  have  it  always  as  I  ought :  I  groaned  because 
I  was  in  a  body  which  kept  my  soul  from  Grod,  and 
constantly  hurried  my  thoughts  from  him  to  earth. 
Went  to  bed  with  fervent  desires  for  grace  and  deliver- 
ance from  the  bondage  of  corruption. 

28.  The  whole  of  the  morning  I  was  employed  in 
calling  on  the  Master,  and  Cotton,  and^  assembling  the 
seniors,  who  consented  to  let  my  grace  come  before  the 
senate.  I  was  a  long  time  in  the  senate-house,  and  was 
about  to  have  my  grace  read  before  the  dissolution  of 
the  congregation,  when  most  of  the  caput  objected  to 
the  shortness  of  the  notice.  I  thought  it  prudent  to 
withhold  my  grace,  and  give  timely  notice.  Called 
next  on  the  public  orator,  who  wanted  a  congregation 
as  well  as  myself.  At  last  I  got  home,  and  after  pass- 
ing some  time  in  prayer,  got  rid  of  earthly  cares  and 
perplexities.     Going  out  as  I  thought,  to  enjoy  the  pre* 

sence  of  God,   I  met  with ,  with  whom  I   was 

obliged  to  walk,  his  head  so  full  of  the  senate-house 
business,  as  to  be  incapable  of  attending  to  anything  on 
religion.  It  sometimes  surprises  me,  that  I  am  sent  by 
providence  into  situations  where  my  thoughts  are  neces- 
sarily called  down  to  earth,  without  any  good  to  myself 
or  others.     But  these  things  are  for  the  trial  of  faith. 

March  1.  Was  again  sent  for  by  the  master,  and 
passed  the  whole  morning  in  the  same  troublesome 
application  as  before.  Called  next  on  the  public  orator, 
but  he  not  being  at  home,  I  lost  a  whole  hour  expecting 
him.  I  received  good  to  my  soul,  at  the  sight  of  a  most 
striking  engraving  of  an  angel,  contemplating  with 
wonder  the  cross  of  Christ.     This  was  before  my  mind 


1805]  JOURNAL.  235 

all  the  day.  At  last,  after  waiting  in  vain,  I  went  to 
the  Vice-Chancellor,  and  could  not  obtain  his  permis- 
sion to  call  a  congregation ;  though  some  of  the 
caput,  whose  objection  had  obliged  me  to  defer  the 
grace,  were  perfectly  satisfied  when  I  called  this  morning. 
He  would  not  have  opposed  it,  he  said,  had  he  known  it 
had  been  signed  by  so  many  of  the  heads  ;  this  was  a 
sad  oversight  of  his,  he  should  have  informed  himself 
of  this,  the  consequence  will  probably  be,  that  I  shall 
lose  the  degree  or  my  fellowship.  I  felt  some  little  disap- 
pointment in  the  evening  on  recollecting  it,  but  it  soon 
passed  away,  as  I  was  not  myself  to  blame.  Walked 
with  B. ;  our  conversation  not  unprofitable ;  he  told  me 
of  an  objectionable  part  of  my  last  sermon,  and  I  felt 
the  force  of  his  reproof,  also  of  a  fault  in  my  usual 
preaching;  these  objections  gave  me  pain,  and  I  felt 
unwilling  to  get  up  and  preach ;  but  blessed  be  God  who 
giveth  me  counsel. 

2.  Found  the  presence  of  God  at  intervals  this  mor- 
ning in  prayer.  After  one  part  of  the  prayer,  I  could 
not  help  reflecting  on  the  deep  devotion  that  came  upon 
me  for  a  few  moments,  while  I  declared  I  had  rightftiUy 
no  other  business  each  day  but  to  do  his  will,  as  a  ser- 
vant constantly  regarding  his  pleasure.  In  the  afternoon 
my  heart  had  wandered ;  I  was  imfit  for  prayer,  but  was 
restored  to  it. 

3.  (Sunday.)  Preached  on  Matt.  vii.  13,  14,  to  a 
large  congregation,  but  though  I  was  plain  enough, 
there  was  litde  impression  on  the  people.  Alas,  do  I 
think  that  any  good  can  be  done  without  very  fervent 
prayer  for  their  poor  souls  ?  In  my  ride  home,  I  la- 
boured to  see  the  necessity  of  patient  continuance  in  weQ 
doing,  and  if  even  for  many  years  I  should  see  no  fruit, 
not  to  relax  my  labours.  It  was  a  comfort  to  me  again, 
to  reflect  that  my  business  and  pleasure  were  quite  inde- 
pendent of  outward  things.  Though  people  should 
despise  my  preaching,  and  God  should  leave  his  servant 
without  any  seals  to  his  ministry,  yet  still  my  great  busi- 
ness was  not  at  all  let,  i.  e.  the  sanctification  of  my  own 


236  JOURNAL.  [1805 

soul.  At  night  enjoyed  much  of  the  comfort  of  God  in 
my  soul  at  church.  The  account  of  Mr.  Wilberforce's 
having  lost  the  motion  for  the  abolition  of  the  Slave 
Trade,  together  with  reflections  on  the  pride  and  sins  of 
this  place,  affected  me  deeply  to  night.  I  longed  to 
pour  forth  my  complaint  to  God,  and  began  with  much 
fervour,  but  was  interrupted.  Oh,  our  guilty  land, 
shall  not  God  visit  for  these  things,  shall  not  God  be 
avenged  on  such  a  nation  as  this?  The  pride,  infi- 
delity, and  abominations  of  this  land,  seem  to  show  it 
ripe  for  destruction,  so  that  I  expect  God  will  soon  put 

in  his  sickle  and  reap.     Read  and  prayed  with  H 

at  night :  Acts  xx.  was  deeply  affecting  to  me. 

4.  In  morning  prayer  had  a  solemn  season  of  reve- 
rence and  submission  to  God.  I  seemed  to  have  no 
wish  in  my  heart,  but  that  God  may  be  glorified,  as  it 
was  a  comfort  to  me  to  reflect  that  he  will  be  glorified. 
In  my  walk  I  prayed  continually  that  I  might  be  kept 
by  the  power  of  God  in  a  sedate  and  sober  frame  all  the 
remainder  of  the  day,  in  which  I  should  be  engaged  so 
much  outwardly.  If  people  are  not  satisfied  with  my 
conduct,  I  have  nothing  to  do  but  to  leave  my  record 
with  God,  before  whom,  HE  is  witness,  I  desire  to 
walk  with  perfect  strictness  and  uprightness.  It  is  plain 
from  the  observations  of  others,  that  I  am  grown  more 
proud.  Oh,  I  long  to  have  a  time  of  humiliation,  that 
I  may  be  able  to  abase  myself  in  tears,  on  account  of 
the  pride  and  hardness  of  my  heart. 

5.  Passed  much  of  the  earlier  part  of  the  morning 
in  prayer,  which  I  greatly  needed,  and  enjoyed  a  solemn 
and  spiritual  frame.  After  dinner  again  in  prayer,  and 
was  helped  to  be  serious.  Oh,  how  blessed  is  it  to  be 
solemn  and  serious.    A  foretaste  of  the  calm  of  heaven! 

The  rest  of  the  afternoon  was  engaged  with ,  and  in 

preparation  for  departure. 

Preparation  for  leaving  any  place  is  very  affecting ; 
after  a  few  more  stages,  the  journey  of  life  will  be  ended. 
Amen.  I  feel  attachment  to  the  present  scene,  though 
my  mind  is  so  continually  distracted  by  it. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  237 

6.  Went  to  London ;  found  it  very  difficult  to  pray 
or  keep  my  mind  right  in  the  journey.  I  thought  it  my 
duty  to  try  and  instruct  the  coachmen,  as  there  was  no 
other  person  outside.  One  was  a  most  furious  and  aban- 
doned character ;  he  seemed  a  little  affected  and  hum- 
bled, but  the  more  sober  one  had  learned  to  affect 
infidelity.    Took  up  my  abode  in  Brunswick  Square. 

7.  After  some  difficulty  attained  somewhat  of  a 
happy  spiritual  frame,  finding  the  presence  of  God  in 
secret  prayer.  Stopped  some  time  at  the  gate  of  St. 
James's,  to  see  the  nobility  go  to  court ;  was  much 
affected  with  melancholy,  at  seeing  such  a  glare  of  finery 
on  poor  old  shrivelled  people,  fit  only  to  be  shrouded  in 
a  coffin.     What  a  transition  will  take  place  at  death  ! 

Spent  the  evening  at  Mr.  G 's,  and  recollected  with 

shame,  that  I  had  introduced  no  religious  remark, 
though  I  might  have  done  it,  and  seemed  more  anxious 
to  please  men  than  God.  Came  away  full  of  grief  and 
shame,  but  this  pain  did  not  last  long ;  oh,  the  mercy 
of  God  in  not  forsaking  me  entirely;  though  almost 
overcome  with  fatigue  and  sleep  at  night ;  I  was  helped 
to  be  serious  and  devout  in  prayer. 

8.  Went  to  Dr.  Gilchrist,  and  received  some  in- 
structions from  him  respecting  the  pronunciation  of 
Hindoostanee.  Afterwards  went  with  Mr.  Grant  to  the 
India  House ;  he  said  he  had  no  doubt  I  should  be 
nominated,  but  on  account  of  the  press  of  business,  he 
could  not  say  when  mine  would  be  brought  forward  ; 
time  enough,  however,  he  said,  for  me  to  go  out  by  this 
fleet.  But  I  now  begin  to  fear  it  will  not  be  so.  Left 
Mr.  G.  in  great  dejection,  yet  striving  to  leave  it  wil- 
lingly all  with  God. 

9.  The  importance  of  my  ministerial  work  was 
much  on  my  mind  this  afternoon,  and  the  godly  con- 
versation of  Mr.  Bates  on  the  subject  much  assisted 
these  thoughts. 

10.  (Sunday.)  The  want  of  sufficient  private  prayer 
was  very  hurtful  to  my  soul,  and  comfort ;  arrived  at 
the  Chapel  Royal  at  St.  James's,  a  quarter  before  eight, 


238  JOURNAL,  [1805 

according  to  our  directions  ;  at  eight  the  service  began. 
I  found  my  hard  heart  melting  a  little  at  the  confes* 
sional  parts,  the  sermon  was  preached  by  Dr.  Judd,  on 
the  importance  of  eternity,  compared  with  time.  I  was 
pleased  and  grati6ed  with  the  solemnity  of  the  subject, 
and  the  thoughts.  In  the  sacrament,  which  followed, 
I  had  a  little  more  love  and  tenderness  than  before ; 
after  this  came  the  ordination,  which  on  the  whole  was 
rather  a  solemn  ordinance  to  me,  far  more  so  than  my 
ordination  at  Ely,  yet  very  little  like  what  it  ought  to 
be,  through  the  levity  and  ignorance  of  my  heart. 
*  Come  holy  spirit,  heavenly  dove,'  &c.  seemed  to  be 
the  prayer  most  answered. 

Walked  to  St.  John's  Chapel,  Bedford  Row.  Mr. 
Cecil  preached  very  well  on  Jonah  ii.  4. 

In  the  course  of  the  day,  my  soxd  enjoyed  much  of 
God's  presence,  but  unhappily  my  eyes  wandered  to 
behold  vanity ;  with  some  self-denial,  and  pain,  I  deter- 
mined to  have  nothing  to  do  in  thought  with  any  idol, 
or  any  thing  that  might  hinder  my  work.  At  night  felt 
my  body  quite  wasted  with  the  fatigues  of  the  day,  but 
not  tired  with  the  Lord's  work. 

12.  Averse  to  morning  prayer,  through  sinM 
unwatchfulness  over  my  thoughts,  and  yet  through  the 
unceasing  mercy  of  God,  was  restored  to  something  of 
a  godly  frame.  Attended  Dr.  Gilchrist  this  morning, 
with  his  classes,  and  read  some  Hindoostanee  to  him  ; 
on  my  return  bought  an  iEschylus  and  Kndar,  with 
some  hesitation,  as  fearing  I  might  use  the  money  to  a 
better  purpose ;  but  I  may  hope  that  if  ever  I  should 
find  it  convenient  to  read  tiie  poets,  the  Lord  will  sanc- 
tify these  as  he  has  done  my  oth^r  studies,  to  the 
improvement  of  my  mind,  and  my  fulness  for  the  public 
duties  of  the  ministry.  In  the  afternoon  read  Hin- 
doostanee ;  Acts  XX.,  and  Thess  v.,  were  much  blessed, 
as  they  often  are,  to  the  spiritualizing  of  my  mind.  I 
went  to  bed  in  a  serious  spirit,  desiring  very  much  that 
I  might  rise  in  the  same  state  the  next  mprning. 

13.  In  prayer  had  a  sort  of  fervour,  which  was  des- 


1805]  JOURNAL.  239 

titute  of  trae  spirituality.  After  breakfast  for  two  or 
three  hours,  read  Hindoostanee ;  by  foolishly  delaying 
scriptural  reading  and  prayer,  I  was  called  to  be  out 
some  hours  without  being  refreshed  and  strengthened. 
Went  to  God  in  great  shame,  and  sense  of  misery  as 
soon  as  I  got  home,  for  all  the  levity  and  unprofitable- 
ness of  my  conversation ;  this  was  beneficial  to  me,  as  I 
was  more  near  to  God  all  the  rest  of  the  day. 

14.  Went  down  to  Cambridge;  on  the  road  had 
two  or  three  seasons  of  prayer,  with  the  presence  of  God ; 
the  latter  part  of  the  way  I  had  an  opportunity  of  de- 
claring the  awful  truths  of  scripture,  to  some  gay  men 
on  the  top  of  the  coach.  On  my  arrival,  I  felt  happy 
in  communion  with  God. 

15.  Was  very  didl  with  a  cold,  and  in  prayer 
seemed  to  get  little  good,  but  in  looking  up  to  God  for 
his  sure  mercy,  that  he  would  revive  my  soul,  and  keep 
me  near  him,  I  found  returning  peace.  After  dinner, 
sat  with  Mr. ,  with  whom  I  had  a  long  conversa- 
tion. I  explained  my  motives  with  all  sincerity,  but  in 
vain*  So  impossible  is  it  to  approve  myself  to  men 
universally ;  but  oh,  while  my  record  is  on  high,  while  I 
desire  the  heart-searching  God  should  be  privy  to  my 
thoughts,  and  direct  my  conduct,  it  matters  little  if  men 

condemn. sat  with  me  some  time  ;  I  found  less 

satisfaction  in  his  views  than  ever.  His  evil  seems  to 
be,  if  any  thing  can  be  so  called,  an  excess  of  charity ; 
yet  withal,  he  is  deeply  humble  and  serious ;  and  to  his 
direction,  under  God,  I  owe  it,  that  I  am  not  now  a 
worldling.  We  parted  as  for  ever.  God  bless  him, 
and  preserve  him  to  his  heavenly  kingdom. 

16.  Went  to  London ;  at  times  I  was  engaged  in 
prayer  with  some  fervour,  and  then  I  was  happy  ;  near- 
ness to  God  diffused  a  sweet  peace  over  my  mind.  But 
the  greater  part  of  the  time,  slothfulness  prevailed  to 
keep  me  from  effectual  fervent  prayer. 

17.  (Sunday.)  Left  London,  in  order  to  get  to 
Ockham  in  time,  so  early,  that  I  had  not  time  for  prayer 
all  the  way  there,  twenty-five  miles ;  I  was  uneasy  for 


240  JOURNAL.  [1805 

want  of  communion  with  God.  Immediately  after  my 
arrival,  went  to  church,  when  I  preached  on  1  Tim.  i. 
15.  The  subject  was  soothing  to  my  own  disordered 
spirit,  and  some  old  people  there  seemed  much  affected. 
After  church,  I  obtained  a  little  time  for  prayer,  but  not 
enough  to  attain  to  much  spirituality.  After  dinner, 
my  soul  drew  near  to  God,  and  breathed  freely  forth  to 
him  holy  desires. 

18.  At  night,  in  prayer,  I  longed  to  forget  the 
world,  and  to  be  swallowed  up  in  entire  devotion  to 
God,  to  live  always  unto  him,  and  went  to  bed  so  happy 
and  peaceful  in  this  frame,  that  I  felt  very  sorry  that 
sleep  would  interrupt  it,  and  would  be  likely  to  leave 
me  in  a  different  state  in  the  morning. 

19.  I  prayed  very  earnestly  that  I  might  be  kept 
from  that  levity,  into  which  I  fell  so  repeatedly,  in  the 
course  of  the  day.  Employed  in  Hindostanee  till  I 
went  to  Gilchrist,  from  whom  I  returned  rather  dis- 
couraged at  iny  want  of  progress.  I  was  jejune  for 
want  of  reading  and  prayer,  but  the  Lord  helped  me  to 
check  and  restrain  the  babbling  tongue.  Found  the 
presence  of  God  again,  both  before  and  after  dinner,  in 
prayer,  but  this  seems  to  me  to  be  merely  keeping  my 
ground  without  advancing.  O  may  the  Lord  keep  me 
safe,  amid  the  dangers  which  surround  me.  I  must 
have  double  watchfulness  to  employ  my  time  and 
thoughts  well,  now  I  am  drawn  from  college  retirement. 

20.  Was  depressed  in  spirit,  at  my.  lukewarmness 
and  unprofitableness.  Walked  out  into  the  city  with 
tolerable  peace  of  mind,  leaving  it  with  the  Lord  to  help 
and  instruct  his  wretched  creature  in  holy  things,  in 
which  my  shallow  knowledge  might  well  make  me  to  be 
ashamed,  and  tremble  to  try  to  teach  others.  Most  of 
the  rest  of  the  evening  I  was  writing  more  freely;  and 
one  half  hour  particularly,  my  spirit  got  disentangled 
from  its  sin  and  misery,  and  enjoyed  the  presence  of 
God  in  prayer. 

21.  Read  Hindoostanee,  till  I  went  to  Gilchrist, 
where  I   continued   till   one.     On   my  mentioning  to 


1805]  JOURNAL.  241 

Gilchrist  my  desire  of  translating  some  of  the  scriptures 
with  him,  he  advised  me  by  all  means  to  desist,  till  I 
knew  much  more  of  the  language,  by  having  resided 
some  years  in  the  country.  He  said  it  was  the  rock  on 
which  missions  had  split,  that  they  had  attempted  to 
write  and  preach,  before  they  knew  the  language.  The 
Lord's  prayer,  he  said,  was  now  a  common  subject  of 
ridicule  with  the  people,  on  account  of  the  manner  in 
which  it  had  been  translated.  All  these  are  useful  hints 
to  me. 

22.  Both  in  private,  and  especially  in  family  prayer, 
I  was  solemn  and  serious.  Meditation  on  Acts  xx. 
seemed  to  form  my  mind  to  blessed  spirituality.  Read 
Benson's  *  Life  of  Mr.  Fletcher,'  and  seemed  to  enter  a 
little  into  the  spirit  of  that  extraordinary  man^  which  I 
did  not,  scarcely  at  all,  when  I  last  read  an  account  of 
him.     I  longed  that  all  the  powers  of  the  soul  might  be 

awakened  to  praise  and  adore  God.     Called  on , 

and  felt  much  hurt  at  his  late  neglect ;  a  sense  of  un- 
kindness  pained  me.  Why  do  I  look  even  to  saints  for 
my  happiness ;  they  are  able  to  wound  the  feelings  of 
their  brethren  even  as  others.  But  there  is  one  who 
sticketh  closer  than  a  brother.  Oh  that  I  may  love 
Christ  more !  What  can  the  world  give  me  in  com- 
parison of  him  !  while  I  have  him  for  my  friend  and 
portion,  and  a  bright  eternity  in  view,  let  me  be  con- 
tented to  be  slighted,  scorned,  and  cast  out  by  all  men. 

23.  My  thoughts  were  far  from  being  spiritual,  yet 
from  fatigue,  with  so  much  intercourse  with  the  world, 
and  so  little  with  God,  my  spirit  rose  easily,  without 
effort  almost,  to  heaven,  seeking  repose. 

24.  At  home,  it  pleased  God,  in  the  riches  of  his 
grace,  to  manifest  his  love  to  me,  the  chief  of  sinners, 
in  private  prayer ;  so  gracious  is  God  in  his  ways,  and 
sovereign  in  all  he  does.  When  I  could  least  of  all  have 
expected  it  for  my  unprofitableness,  then  he  visited  my 
soul.  Oh  how  shall  this  soul  ever  acknowledge  the 
mercy,  the  astonishing  grace  of  God  ! 

^5.     Came  to  London  by  the  coach.     Through  the 

5  ' 


242  JOURNAL.  [1805 

cold,  keeping  my  body  in  an  uncomfortable  state,  I  was 
little  disposed  to  stir  myself  to  communion  with  God. 
But  alas,  this  is  little  of  exercise  for  a  missionary  life. 

26.  Rose  earlier  than  of  late,  and  in  prayer  was  able 
to  feel  somewhat  of  my  misery  and  corruption,  by  na- 
ture and  practice.  Oh  the  perfect,  the  unceasing,  the 
undeviating  service,  that  ought  to  be  rendered  to  God  I 
but  I  am  doing  scarcely  any  thing. 

27.  Trifled  a  good  deal  to-day.  Oh  how  do  I  long 
for  a  right  state,  when  my  soul  shall  for  ever  glorify 
God  in  the  perfection  of  holiness.  May  the  Lord  mer- 
cifully pour  out  his  Spirit  on  me,  that  I  may  weep  for 
myself,  and  the  people  round  me,  and  be  able  to  leave 
the  distracting  vanities,  which  unfit  my  mind  for  pro- 
fitable exercises,  to  live  in  unceasing  communion  with 
God. 

29.  Walked  with  B in  a  vain,  trifling,  uneasy 

frame.  But  I  could  not  stay  in  this  frame  long,  and 
found  the  benefit  of  prayer  in  delivering  me  from  it. 
Endeavoured  to  prepare  myself  by  communion  with 
God  for  the  company  I  was  going  into.  Dined  at  O.'s, 
to  meet  Sir  William  Young.    After  dinner  I  had  a  good 

deal  of  conversation  with ,  and  had  an  opportunity 

of  declaring  many  important  religious  truths.  Yet  I 
came  away  grieved,  as  I  could  not  but  be,  at  the  slug- 
gishness and  want  of  zeal  in  me,  as  well  as  at  the 
general  infidelity  and  scorn  of  religion  in  the  higher 
circles  of  society.  At  night,  found  the  evil  consequences 
of  such  a  life  as  I  have  been  leading  of  late,  and  the 
general  want  of  solitude ;  for  there  was  a  manifest 
strangeness  in  my  thoughts  to  eternal  things  ;  but 
through  the  rich  mercy  of  God,  my  heart  is  heavenward. 
The  more  I  see  of  ^andeur,  the  more  I  am  disgusted 
with  it ;  I  cannot  help  shuddering  at  their  neglect  of 
€rod,  and  scorn  of  the  gospel.  For  any  thing  I  have 
seen  yet,  in  this  world,  I  would  prefer  all  the  hardships 
of  the  missionary  life,  to  all  its  pleasures. 

30.  The  whole  morning  passed  away  in  going  to 
difl^erent  places,  but  I  have  seldom  enjoyed  more  richly 


1805]  JOURNAL.  243 

the  presence  of  God.  The  words,  "  Blessed  are  the 
pure  in  heart,  for  they  shall  see  God,'*  were  continually 
on  my  mind.  I  was  conscious  I  knew  little  or  nothing 
of  this  sight  of  God,  and  yet  it  was  certain  that  if  my 
heart  were  pure,  I  should  experience  the  blessedness  of 
it.  T  did  strive  a  little  against  the  impurity  of  my 
heart,  by  excluding  improper  thoughts. 

To  keep  the  heart  clean  is  a  hard  matter  indeed, 
and  what- 1  know  very  little  about ;  it  requires  more 
labour,  care,  and  self-denial,  than  my  flesh  can  easily 
submit  to. 

In  the  evening  was  preparing  some  sermons  for 
to-morrow.  Oh  that  I  may,  according  to  my  prayer, 
never  trifle  with  the  awful  work  of  addressing  men's 
souls,  nor  preach  the  grace  of  the  gospel  only  to  excite 
a  transient  pleasure  in  people,  but  in  the  humble  hope 
that  God  will  glorify  himself,  by  applying  it  to  the  con- 
version of  sinners.  Oh  that  I  could  forget  self  entirely, 
and  give  all  honour  and  glory  to  God,  even  as  I  hope  to 
do  in  heaven. 

31.  In  the  interval  between  morning  and  afternoon 
service,  I  prayed  and  prepared  myself  a  little ;  but  the 
world,  and  a  regard  to  the  opinions  of  people,  seemed 
to  bind  down  my  miserable  spirit.  Read  and  preached 
in  the  afternoon,  on  John  iv.  10.  Mr.  Cecil  said  a 
great  deal  to  me  on  the  necessity  of  gaining  the  atten- 
tion of  the  people,  of  preaching  with  more  warmth  and 
earnestness.  I  feel  wounded  a  Iktle,  at  finding  myself 
to  have  failed  in  so  many  things,  yet  I  succeeded  in 
coming  down  to  the  dust,  and  received  gladly  the  kind 
advice  of  wise  friends.  At  night  I  was  rather  discou- 
raged, thinking  I  should  do  no  better,  yet  my  soul  had 
more  of  the  holy  presence  of  God,  and  I  went  into  the 
pulpit  with  composure,  and  more  concern  for  immortal 
souls  than  in  general ;  I  preached  to  a  very  large  audi- 
ence on  2  Cor.  v.  20,  21  :  there  was  great  attention. 

What  danger  am  I  in  from  public  ministrations !  Oh 
that  I  could  still  be  alone  in  private,  wifth  God,  even 
when  speaking  in  public. 

R  2 


tf 


2  44  JOURNAL.  [1805 

April  1.  Had  much  solemnity  brought  on,  seem- 
ingly by  repeating  the  xxth  of  Acts,  as  soon  as  I  awoke. 
The  effect  of  that  passage  is  truly  astonishing.  I  had 
intended  to  devote  this  morning  to  prayer,  but  I  went 
out  after  breakfast,  and  was  absent  six  hours  about  my 
business.  Went  to  Lord  Hawkesbury's  office,  but  being 
too  early,  I  went  into  St.  James's  Park,  and  sat  down 
on  a  bench  to  read  my  Bible.  After  a  little  time  a 
person  came  and  sat  on  the  same  bench ;  on  entering 
into  conversation  with  him,  I  found  he  had  known 
better  days  ;  he  was  about  seventy  years  of  age,  and  of 
a  very  passionate  and  disappointed  spirit.  He  spoke 
sensibly  on  several  subjects,  and  was  acquainted  with 
the  gospel,  but  was  offended  at  my  reminding  him  of 
several  things  concerning  it.  On  my  offering  him  some 
money,  which  I  saw  he  needed,  he  confessed  his  poverty ; 
he  was  thankful  for  my  little  donation,  and  I  repeated 
my  advice  of  seeking  divine  consolations.  • 

2.  Breakfasted  with .     Our  conversation  was 

on  the  most  delightful  subject  to  me,  the  spread  of  the 
gospel  in  future  ages.  I  went  away  animated  and 
happy.  Went  with  Mr.  G.  towards  the  India  House. 
He  said  that  he  was  that  day  about  to  take  the  neces- 
sary steps  for  bringing  forward  the  business  of  the  chap- 
lains, and  that  by  to-morrow  night  I  should  know 
whether  I  could  go  or  not.  In  prayer  at  night,  my  soul 
panted  after  God,  and  longed  to  be  entirely  conformed 
to  his  image. 

3.  After  dinner  passed  some  time  in  prayer,  and 
rejoiced  to  think  that  God  would  finally  glorify  himself, 
whatever  hindrance  may  arise  for  a  time ;  going  to  Mr. 
Grant's,  I  found  that  the  chaplaincies  had  been  agreed 
to,  after  two  hour's  debate,  and  some  obloquy  thrown 
upon  Mr.  Grant  by  the  chairman,  for  his  connexion 
with  Mr.  Wilberforce,  and  those  people.  Mr.  G.  said 
that  though  my  nomination  had  not  taken  place,  the 
case  was  now  beyond  danger,  and  that  I  should  appear 
before  the  court  in  a  couple  of  days  in  my  canonicals.  I 
felt  very  indignant  at  this,  not  so  much  I  think  from 


1805]  JOURNAL.  245 

personal  pride,  as  on  account  of  the  degradation  of  my 
office.  Mr.  G.  pleasantly  said,  I  must  attend  to  my 
appearance,  as  I  should  be  much  remarked,  on  account 
of  the  person  who  had  nominated  me.  I  feel  this  will  be 
a  trial  to  me,  which  I  would  never  submit  to  for  gain, 
but  I  rejoice  that  it  will  be  for  my  dear  and  blessed  Lord. 
4.  Went  down  to  Cambridge ;  by  being  stirred  up 
every  now  and  then  to  meditate  and  pray,  I  was  enabled 
to  pass  the  hours  of  travelling  with  contentment.  At 
night  was  at  church,  when  almost  for  the  first  time,  I 
observed  Mr.  Simeon's  manner,  and  conceived  great 
admiration  of  him  as  a  preacher;  supped  with  him 
alone  afterwards,  he  prayed  before  I  went  away,  and  my 
heart  was  solemnly  affected. 

6.  Passed  most  of  the  morning  in  the  fellows'  gar- 
den, it  was  the  last  time  I  visited  this  favourite  retreat, 
where  I  have  often  enjoyed  the  presence  of  God. 

7.  (Sunday.)  Preached  at  Lolworth  on  Prov.  xxii. 
17  ;  very  few  seemed  affected  at  my  leaving  them,  and 
those  chiefly  women.  An  old  farmer  of  a  neighbouring 
parish,  as  he  was  taking  leave  of  me,  turned  aside  to 
shed  tears ;  this  affected  me  more  than  any  thing.  Rode 
away  with  my  heart  heavy,  partly  at  my  own  corruption, 
partly  at  the  thoughts  of  leaving  this  place  in  such  gene- 
ral hardness  of  heart.  Yet  so  it  hath  pleased  God,  I 
hope,  to  reserve  them  for  a  more  faithful  minister ; 
prayed  over  the  whole  of  my  sermon  for  the  evening, 
and  when  I  came  to  preach  it,  God  assisted  me  beyond 
my  hopes ;  most  of  the  younger  people  seemed  to  be  in 
tears,  the  text  was  2  Sam.  vii.  28,  29.  Took  leave  of 
Dr.  Milner,  he  was  much  affected,  and  said  himself  his 
heart  was  full.  Mr.  Simeon  commended  me  to  God  in 
prayer,  in  which  he  pleaded  among  other  things,  for  a 
richer  blessing  on  my  soul.  He  perceives  that  I  want 
it,  and  so  do  I.  Professor  Parish  walked  home  with 
me  to  the  college  gate,  and  there  I  parted  from  him, 
with  no  small  sorrow. 

8.  My  young  friends  in  the  university  who  have 
scarcely  left  me  a  moment  to  myself,  were  with  me  this 


246  JOURNAL.  [1805 

morning  as  soon  as  I  was  moving,  leaving  me  no  time 
for  prayer.  My  mind  was  very  solemn,  and  I  wished 
much  to  be  left  alone.  A  great  many  accompanied  me 
to  the  coach,  which  took  me  up  at  the  end  of  the  town ; 
it  was  a  thick  misty  morning,  so  the  university,  with  its 
towers  and  spires,  was  out  of  sight  in  an  instant. 
Arrived  in  town  late. 

10.  Grieved  at  night  that  I  could  not  serve  God 
better.  O  Lord,  have  mercy  on  thy  creature ;  stir  him 
up  to  live  by  faith,  to  fight  the- good  fight  of  faith,  to  be 
diligent  in  pleading  with  God  for  his  grace,  and  using 
the  means  of  improvement. 

12.  Rose  early,  as  it  was  Good  Friday,  and  passed 
above  an  hour  in  prayer  with  great  benefit.  I  was  led  to 
pray  for  humility,  and  a  tender  spirit,  which  God  gave ; 
thus  I  find  every  degree  of  diligence  is  rewarded.  Many 
little  slights  to-day,  and  the  consequences  of  my  own 
ignorance  tended  to  humble  me,  and  I  desired  it  should 
be  so,  for  in  no  state  is  my  soul  so  safe  and  happy. 

15.  I  grieved  that  I  have  never  served  God  in  any 
manner,  that  might  not  cover  me  with  confusion,  and 
do  desire  that  God's  service  may  be  my  all  in  all  for- 
ever.  I  have  a  promise,  that  they  who  seek  shall  find, 
that  though  I  cannot  have  my  faculties  altered,  and  in 
that  respect  must  remain  inferior  to  many,  yet  in  piety 
I  may  grow  richly  and  largely,  and  without  any  bounds. 
Oh  that  I  was  in  earnest  for  eternity !  •  oh,  may  God 
confirm  my  feeble  resolution.  ' 

17-  I  continued  in  prayer  nearly  an  hour ;  my  folly 
and  lukewarmness  were  brought  home  to  my  view,  and 
I  was  grieved  at  thinking  how  the  people  of  God  might 
have  been  encouraged  in  carelessness,  by  seeing  me, 
honoured  with  the  name  of  a  missionary,  so  carnal. 
Oh,  may  I,  according  to  my  prayer,  be  kept  holy  during 
my  few  days  in  England,  and  then  go  forth  to  be  more 
alone  with  God  than  ever.  With  the  fear  of  God,  and 
a  broken  spirit,  all  things  are  in  right  order  in  my  mind ; 
may  that  be  my  state  for  ever. 

18.     Chiefly  engaged  in  writing;  the  middle  of  the 


1305]  JOURNAL.  247 

day  was  with  Mr.  B.  in  the  west  end  of  town,  and  Hyde 
Park.  The  sight  of  the  vain  splendour  of  carriages, 
dress,  &c.  raised  solemn  thoughts. 

22.  Walked  a  good  while  with  S ;  the  great 

difference  in  his  worldly  circumstances  and  mine,  led  to 
many  reflections,  which  at  first  rather  depressed  me,  not 
because  I  wished  to  change  my  condition,  but  because 
others  seemed  to  pity  me,  and  so  I  thought  oftentime  it 
was  a  state  of  little  comfort ;  but  is  it  not  more  happy 
and  glorious  to  live,  to  do  as  much  as  possible  for  God, 
than  to  sit  down  to  plea&e  myself?  **  Blessed  are  the 
pure  in  heart,"  &c.  was  an  occasion  of  some  delight  to 
my  soul,  as  I  went  along  the  streets. 

23.  Went  to  Mr.  Cecil's  this  morning,  and  received 
some  instructions  from  him,  on  the  manner  of  writing 
to  effect ;  soon  after  met  with  Mr.  Grant,  and  felt  much 
affected  with  his  kindness. 

24.  Keenly  disappointed  at  finding  no  letter  from 
Lydia ;  thus  it  pleases  God  in  the  riches  of  his  grace,  to 
quash  at  once  all  my  beginnings  of  entanglement.  Oh 
may  it  be  to  make  me  more  entirely  his  own.  **  The 
Lord  shall  be  the  portion  of  mine  inheritance,  and  of  my 
cup."  Oh  may  I  live  indeed  a  more  spiritual  life  of 
faith !  Prayed  that  I  might  obtain  a  more  deep  ac- 
quaintance with  the  mysteries  of  the  gospel,  and  the 
offices  of  Christ ;  my  soul  was  solemnized.  Went  to 
Russel  Square,  and  found  from  Mr.  Grant  that  I  was 
that  day  appointed  a  chaplain  to  the  East  India  Com- 
pany ;  but  that  my  particular  destination  would  depend 
on  the  government  in  India  ;  rather  may  I  say  that  it 
depends  on  the  will  of  my  God,  who  in  his  own  time 
thus  brings  things  to  pass.  Oh  now  let  my  heart  be 
spiritualized  ;  that  the  glorious  and  arduous  work  before 
me,  may  fill  all  my  soul,  and  stir  me  up  to  prayer. 

25.  Breakfasted  with  the  venerable  Mr.  Newton;who 
made  several  striking  remarks  in  reference  to  my  work. 
He  said  he  had  heard  of  a  clever  gardener,  who  would 
sow  the  seeds  when  the  meat  was  put  down  to  roast, 
and  engage  to  produce  a  salad  by  the  time  it  was  ready, 


248  JOURNAL.  [1805 

but  the  Lord  did  not  sow  oaks  in  this  way.  On  my 
saying  that  perhaps  I  should  never  live  to  see  much 
fruit ;  he  answered,  I  should  have  a  birds-eye  view  of 
It,  which  would  be  better.  When  I  spoke  of  the  oppo- 
sition that  I  should  be  likely  to  meet  with,  he  said,  he 
supposed  Satan  would  not  love  me  for  what  I  was  about 
to  do.  The  old  man  prayed  afterwards  with  sweet 
simplicity.  Drank  tea  at  C.  Our  hearts  seemed  full 
of  the  joy  which  comes  from  the  communion  of  saints. 

26.  Met  D — —  at  Mr.  Grant's,  and  was  much 
affected  at  some  marks  of  love  expressed  by  the  people 
at  Cambridge,  at  the  time  of  my  leaving  them ;  he  said, 
that  as  I  was  going  down  the  aisle,  they  all  rose  up  to 
take  their  last  view. 

28.  Went  to  Mr.  Cecil's  to  tea,  he  was  very  striking 
as  usual  in  his  observations,  and  I  sat  contented  to  be 
despised,  as  I  deserve,  saying  nothing  to  the  purpose, 
though  under  all  this  there  was  much  pride  lurking.  At 
night  read.  Mr.  C.  preached  on  **  godly  sorrow  work- 
eth  repentance,"  &c.  it  was  a  most  able  sermon,  power- 
fully engaged  fhe  attention ;  and  yet  I  cannot  say  my 
feelings  are  devoutly  affected  by  this  sort  of  preaching  ; 
at  night,  at  home  I  enjoyed  peace  and  comfort,  and  our 
conversation  was  pleasant  and  profitable. 

29.  Rose  in  much  dejection  ;  fearing  that  I  should 
never  be  of  use  in  the  ministry,  and  moreover  that  I  should 
prove  an  unsteady  character  in  India,  for  I  find  the  seeds 
of  a  roving  temper  in  me  ;  yet  in  prayer  I  was  brought  to 
trust  in  the  Lord,  to  commit  my  way  unto  him,  to  feel 
that  now  was  the  time  to  rejoice  in  faith,  when  the 
cloudy  and  dark  day  was  coming.  Some  of  the  pro- 
mises in  Isaiah  were  unspeakably  rich.  When  I  get 
near  to  God  without  any  particular  diligence,  I  suppose 
some  one  has  been  praying  for  me.  At  night,  in  the 
midst  of  great  lukewarmness,  grace  was  often  in  exer- 
cise, teaching  me  to  delight  in  the  prospect  of  serving 
God,  and  the  permission  of  being  with  him,  coming  to 
him,  and  receiving,  out  of  the  fulness  of  Christ,  ''  grace 
for  grace." 


1805]  JOURNAL.  249 

May  I.  Wrote  sermon  at  night,  till  late,  and  was 
much  assisted  in  it,  my  heart  was  affected,  and  my  mind 
so  active,  that  I  could  get  little  sleep. 

2.  Went  down  to  Mitcham  ;  the  noise,  and  carriages, 
and  people  in  the  streets,  had  no  power  to  divert  my 
attention,  for  I  was  determined  to  be  in  earnest.  At 
night,  in  my  room,  read  Timothy  with  deep  anxiety ; 
could  have  gladly  staid  up  all  night,  reading  and  praying, 
in  the  views  of  tiie  work  of  the  ministry,  and  my  want 
of  preparation  for  it.  Retired  to  bed  in  a  devoted 
spirit.  Yes,  though  the  flesh  is  necessarily  lulling  me 
with  sloth,  though  I  must  truly  say,  that  my  flesh  is  full 
of  all  iniquity  ;  my  heart  acknowledges  no  love  but  that 
of  God ;  I  could  not,  I  would  not  be  happy,  without 
being  altogether  his,  and  employed  in  his  service  for  ever. 

3.  Rose  in  much  the  same  spirit ;  there  was  nothing 
on  earth  that  seemed  worth  my  notice  one  moment,  but 
labouring  for  the  salvation  of  precious  souls.  Walked 
a  little  in  the  grounds,  and  had  much  sober  joy  in  the 
prospect  of  the  time,  when  the  'wilderness  should  be 
made  like  Eden.  Through  neglect  of  retirement  for 
prayer,  my  mind  was  in  its  natural  state,  and  conse- 
quently much  pained  at  night.  Ah !  my  soul,  is  this 
the  life  of  Brainerd  ?  Oh  let  me  learn  from  all  my  joys, 
and  all  my  sorrows,  that  keeping  close  to  God  is  the 
path  of  peace. 

4.  Waited  this  morning  on  the  Archbishop  of 
Canterbury  at  Lambeth  Palace.  He  had  learnt  from 
somebody  my  circumstances,  the  degree  I  had  taken,  and 
my  object  in  going  to  India.  He  spoke  much  on  the 
importance  of  the  work,  the  small  ecclesiastical  esta- 
blishment for  so  great  a  body  of  people,  and  the  state 
of  those  English  there,  who,  he  said,  *  called  themselves 
Christians.'  He  was  throughout  very  civil,  and  wished 
me  all  the  success  I  desired.  I  then  proceeded  to  the 
India  House,  and  received  directions  to  attend  on  Wed- 
nesday to  be  sworn  in.  Afterwards  walked  to  Mr. 
Wilberforce's  at  Broomfield,  and  was  much  restored  and 
refreshed  by  learning  and  thinking  on  Ephesians.     The 


250  JOURNAL.  [-1805 

circumstance  of  leaving  my  friends  at  nighty  brought 
Acts  XX.  to  my  mind,  and  I  continued  thinking  of  it 
with  great  solemnity  and  sweet  tranquillity,  and  desire 
to  be  the  servant  of  the  Lord. 

7.  In  the  evening  read  the  farewell  discourse  in 
John  xiv — xvi.  with  much  comfort  and  benefit,  and  was 
enabled  to  reflect  with  encouragement,  that  the  Spirit 
of  truth  would  guide  me  into  all  truth.   - 

8.  Attended  Courtenay  again  before  breakfast.  The 
rest  of  the  morning  passed  in  writing  sermon,  and 
reading  Mr.  Grant's  book.  The  state  of  the  natives, 
and  the  prospects  of  doing  good  there,  the  character  of 
Swartz,  &c.  set  forth  in  it,  much  impressed  my  mind, 
and. I  found  great  satisfaction,  in  pleading  for  the  fulfil- 
ment of  God's  promises  to  the  heathen.  It  seemed 
painful  to  think  of  myself  at  all,  except  in  reference  to 
the  Church  of  Christ.  Being  somewhat  in  danger  of 
distraction  this  evening,  from  many  concurrent  circum- 
stances, I  found  a  very  short  prayer  answered  by  my 
being  kept  steady.  Heard  from  Mr.  Parry  this  evening, 
that  in  consequence  of  an  embargo  laid  on  all  the  ships 
by  government,  who  had  taken  the  best  seamen  from 
the  company's  ships,  on  account  of  the  sailing  of  the 
French  and  Spanish  fleets ;  I  should  not  be  able  to  go 
before  the  middle  of  June,  if  so  soon.  Thus  it  has 
pleased  God  once  more  to  detain  me.  What  his  design 
is,  time  will  shew ;  whatever  it  is,  let  me  rejoice  in 
thinking  it  will  be  entirely  for  the  best. 

9.  Thought  myself  bound  to  change  the  subject  of 
my  sermon  for  Sunday,  in  consequence  of  Mr.  Simeon's 
telling  me  I  had  mistaken  the  meaning  of  it.;  at  first  I 
was  reluctant  after  having  done  so  much,  but  I  felt  that 
I  could  not  dare  to  expect  the  blessing  or  assistance  of 
the  Holy  Ghost,  if  I  wilfully  perverted  his  meaning.  By 
reading  and  prayer  my  mind  was  more  steady  and 
serious  than  on  other  mornings ;  after  dinner,  took  up 
the  Epistle  to  the  Corinthians,  and  was  affected  with 
solemnity,  by  its  spiritual  truths. 

10.  Heard  Mr.  Thomson  preach  a  missionary  ser- 


1805]  JOURNAL.  251 

mon  to  a  large  congregation.  The  pride  of  being  an 
important  personage  in  the  assembly,  being  a  missionary, 
was  as  much  as  I  could  keep  in  subjection.  In  prayer 
afterwards,  foimd  benefit  to  my  soul,  and  was  assisted 
in  my  walk  to  meditate  on  a  subject.  Passed  the  even- 
ing with  and  ,  thinlang  it  would  be  the  last 

time  I  should  see  them,  but  the  time  passed  in  the  most 
unprofitable  manner.  This  way  of  living  is  grievous  to 
me  ;  I  want  more  solitude,  more  long  and  heart-search- 
ing communion  with  God. 

1 1.  Writing  diligently  to-day,  and  found  my  mind 
solemnized  by  my  work. 

12.  (Sunday.)  In  the  afternoon,  preached  a  ser- 
mon for  the  children  of  a  charity  school,  on  Luke  xi. 
11 — 13.  I  was  very  inanimate,  partly  from  ill  health, 
partly  from  a  desire  of  guarding  against  improper  ges- 
tures. Mr.  Cecil  told  me  he  had  heard  I  had  been 
preaching  excellently.  Mr.  B.  told  me  the  sermon  was 
very  miserable ;  he  observed  a  total  want  of  animation 
and  action.  These  remarks  I  was  once  foolish  enough 
to  feel  hurt  at^  but  now  I  see  much  cause  to  bless  the 
Lord  that  he  hath  placed  me  for  a  time  in  London, 
where  so  many  friends  are  endeavouring  to  correct  me. 
Drank  tea  at  Lady  Catharine's.  Our  conversation  at 
night  was  on  important  subjects,  and  my  soul  seemed  to 
be  very  near  the  enjoyment  of  these  things,  but  the  par- 
ticular nature  of  my  disorder,  made  thq  effect  which 
these  joyous  thoughts  have  on  my  frame  of  body,  too 
painful  to  be  borne.  I  fed  encouraged  to  make  every 
effort  both  in  body  and  mind,  in  order  to  become  an  able 
minister  of  the  New  Testament.  Blessed  be  God  for  it, 
this  is  one  of  the  benefits  of  my  delay  in  England  ;  the 
settlement  of  my  dear  sister  is  another  comfort  attend- 
ing it. 

13.  Attended  Courtenay  after  breakfrtst,  at  which  I 
was  much  enlivened  by  conversation  with  Mr.  B.  on 
religious   subjects.     I  read  Havel's  Method  of  Grace, 

and  wrote  to  S .     Then  went  out  without  reading 

any  of  the  word  of  God  in  private.     The  consequence 


252  JOURNAL.  [1805 

was,  that  my  thoughts  were  vain  aod  idle,  in  my  walk, 
and  I  returned  unhappy,  and  unfit  for  communion  with 
God ;  yet  by  some  fervency  in  prayer  I  was  a  little 
restored.  At  night  saw  the  necessity  of  being  roused 
to  my  duty.  If  I  spare  the  flesh,  ^and  take  so  little 
pains  as  I  have  been  doing,  God  will  hide  his  face.  I 
made  holy  resolutions,  the  Lord  help  me  to  keep  them. 
Matt.  X.  xxiv.  and  xxv.  and  2  Tim.  were  awfiil  warnings 
to  my  soul.  Oh !  how  base  is  my  lukewarmness — Oh  ! 
may  Christ  patiently  bear  with  all  my  infirmities,  and 
heal  my  backslidings,  and  help  me  to  pour  forth  my 
very  body  and  spul  in  fervent  labours  exerted  in  his 
beloved  service !  Amen. 

.  15.  Read  prayers  at  Mr.  Newton's,  and  preached  on 
Eph.  ii.  19 — 21.  The  clerk  threw  out  very  disrespectful 
and  even  uncivil  things  respecting  my  going  to  India, 
though  I  thought  the  asperity  and  contemptuousness  he 
manifested  unsuitable  to  his  profession ;  I  felt  happy  in 
the  comfortable  assurance  of  being  upright  in  my  inten- 
tions. The  sermon  was  much  praised  by  some  people 
coming  in,  but  happily  this  gives  me  little  satisfaction. 
Went  home  and  read  a  sermon  of  Flavel's,  on  knowing 
nothing  but  Christ.  I  was  made  sensible  of  my  extreme 
ignorance  of  Gospel  mysteries,  and  on  my  knees  im- 
plored that  the  Spirit  of  God  would  instruct  me  ;  my 
heart  was  also  in  heaviness  through  the  rising  of  cor- 
ruption, and  seemed  unwilling  to  part  with  the  world 
and  its  enjoyments,  and  be  separated  from  my  dear 
friends,  and.  left  alone  with  God.  All  these  evils  I 
spread  before  the  Lord  in  prayer,  and  obtained  some 
relief  and  comfort.  In  the  evening  read  for  Mr.  Cecil, 
who  preached  in  a  most  striking  manner,  on  Rev.  iii. 
21.  I  was  encouraged  to  determine  to  fight,  but  oh, 
what  pride  and  hardness  of  heart,  and  forgetfulness  of 
God,  have  I  to  recollect  this  day.  I  again  made  a 
covenant  with  myself  which  I  found  it  very  difficult  to 
keep. 

16.     Breakfasted  with  Mr.  P .     Joined  with  his 

family  in  worship,   he  prayed  himself  in  a  very  simple 


1805]  JOURNAL.  253 

and  devout  strain.     My  heart  was  full  of  joy  and  thank- 
fulness that  a  person  in  his  station  was  found  so  pious. 

17.  Was  very  sleepy  and  stupid  this  whole  morn- 
ings in  consequence  of  having  lost  my  sleep  for  three  or 
four  nights  past ;  if  there  were  any  necessity  of  bearing 
the  inconveniences  of  these  lodgings,  or  any  good  to  be 
got,  I  would  quietly  bear  them,  but  as  this  has  the  elBPect 
of  making  me  unfit  for  duty  in  the  day,  I  shall  change 
them.  Found  myself  unable  to  write  on  any  subject ; 
was  a  little  revived  by  learning  Isaiah  zl.  but  was  sink- 
ing again  into  a  cold  state,  when  through  the  mercy  of 
God  I  took  the  alarm  at  my  idleness  and  negligence  of 
duties,  and  prayed  with  humility  and  fervour.  Walked 
out  and  continued  in  earnest  striving  with  my  corrup-. 
tion.  I  made  a  covenant  with  my  eyes,  which  I  kept 
strictly ;  though  I  was  astonished  to  find  the  difficulty 
I  had  in  doing  even  this.  I  continued  in  humiliation 
and  prayer,  especially  that  God  would  vouchsafe  to 
teach  me  the  mysteries  of  redemption,  and  help  me  to 
find  out  in  what  manner  sinners  should  be  addressed. 
In  this  state,  though  there  was  much  pain  and  sorrow, 
even  to  tears,  and  though  I  felt  dreadful  opposition  in 
the  flesh,  I  felt  it  was  a  right  work,  the  Spirit  striving 
against  the  flesh,  and  I  mourned  to  think  how  soon  it 
would  pass  away.  The  sight  I  had  of  my  corruption, 
and  the  extreme  difficulty  of  fixing  the  soul  towards 
God,  impressed  this  text  deeply  on  me — "  With  men  it 
is  impossible,  but  with  God  all  things  are  possible." 
Read  some  of  the  chapters  of  the  Revelation,  with  much 
of  the  blessing  and  presence  of  God — I  was  deeply 
affected  with  divine  things. 

18.  Changed  my  lodgings.  I  offered  my  services 
to  the  mistress  of  the  house  to  officiate  at  family  wor- 
ship, but  she  said  she  had  no  time  to  spare  for  it.  I 
talked  a  great  deal  to  her,  but  she  could  not  listen  to 
reason.    - 

1 9 .  (Sunday. )  Towards  night  many  things  occurred 
to  bring  down  my  pride  very  low.  Mr.  Cecil  preached 
on  1  Thess.  iii.  8.     I  was   affected  even  to  tears  at 


254  JOURNAL.  [1805 

reflecting  that  God  had  not  caused  any  sncfa  connection 
to  exist  between  me  and  my  people ;  it  seemed  as  if 
people  heard  me  as  though  they  heard  not.  But  my 
soul  breathed  fervently  for  grace,  to  perceive  the  infinite 
value  of  immortal  souls,  and  to  labour  incessantly  for 
them  in  prayer ;  hearing  afterwards  something  said  in 
praise  of  me,  I  lost  a  good  deal  of  this  humility  and 
spiritual  comfort ;  still  found  myself  quickened  and 
edified  by  the  word  of  God  at  night. 

20.  O  how  merciful  has  God  been  in  fixing  me  in 
necessary  duty,  as  at  Cambridge^without  which  I  should 
certainly  have  given  way  to  sloth ;  it  appeared  very 
painful  to  me  at  the  time,  but  I  now  feel  the  benefit. 
Yet  now  I  am  treacherous  to  God  ;  hard  it  is  for  me  to 
stir  myself  up  to  spirituality  and  diligence  in  duty,  when 
no  outward  ministration  demands  it.  Oh,  what  a  living 
after  the  flesh  is  this  1 

21.  Almost  all  my  prayers  are  now  with  reference 
to  the  ministry.  Read  and  prayed  over  John  xv.  before 
I  went  out,  and  forced  my  thoughts  to  continue  more 

sober.     Cecil  called   to-day,    (when    S was  with 

me,)  and  spoke  with  his  usual  force  on  the  work  of  the 
ministry,  particularly  on  the  necessity  of  seclusion  from 
company.  Let  me  remember  Matthew  xxiv.  I  read  it, 
and  well  might  I  tremble.  My  soul  is  astonished,  and 
confounded  at  itself,  that  it  is  not  swallowed  up  in  the 
immensity  of  the  ministerial  work. 

22.  Endeavoured  to  guard  my  thoughts  this  morn- 
ing in  a  more  particular  manner,  as  expecting  to  pass  it 
with  Sargent,  in  prayer  for  assistance  in  the  ministry. 
Called  at  Mr.  Wilberforce's,  when  I  met  Mr,  Babington. 
The  extreme  kindness  and  cordiality  of  these  two  was 
very  pleasing  to  me,  though  rather  elating.     By  a  letter 

from   B to-day,   learnt   that   two   young   men  of 

Chesterton  had  come  forward,  who  professed  to  have 
been  awakened  by  a  sermon  of  mine  on  Psalm  ix.  17. 
I  was  not  so  afi^ected  with  gratitude  and  joy  as  I  expected 
to  be ;  could  not  easily  ascribe  the  glory  to  God  ;  yet  I 
will  bless  him  through  all  my  ignorance,  that  he  has 


1805]  JOURNAL.  255 

thus  owned  the  ministry  of  one  so  weak.  Oh,  may  I 
have  faith   to   go   onward,  expecting  to  see  miracles 

wrought  by  the  foolishness  of  preaching.     H ,  to 

whom  I  had  made  application  for  the  loan  which  Major 

S found  it  inconvenient  to   advance,  dined  with 

me,  and  surprised  me  by  the  difficulty  he  started.     After 

dinner  went  to  the  India  House  to  take  leave.     Mr. , 

the  other  chaplain,  sat  with  me  before  we  were  called 
in,  and  I  found  that  I  knew  a  little  of  him,  having  been 
at  his  house.  As  he  knew  my  character,  I  spoke  very 
freely  to  him  on  the  subject  of  religion.  Was  called  in 
to  take  the  oaths  ;  all  the  directors  were  present  I  think. 
Mr.  Grant  in  the  chair  addressed  a  charge  to  us  extem- 
pore. One  thing  struck  my  attention,  which  was,  that 
he  warned  us  of  the  enervating  effects^  of  the  climate. 
In   the   evening  heard   Mr.    Crowther  preach.*    — — 

mentioned  Mr. as   an  alarming  instance  of  the 

effect  of  Indian  climate  and  manners  ;  he  went  out  with 
zeal  but  had  lost  it  all.  This  dwelt  very  much  on  my 
mind  all  the  rest  of  the  evening.  The  sense  of  my 
very  great  danger  made  me  feel  a  sort  of  guilt,  as  if  I 
had  fallen  already.  Prayed  with  nearness  to  Crod  when 
I  got  home,  both  in  reference  to  the  sermon  I  had  heard 
and  my  own  case. 

23.  Humbled  this  morning  at  thought  of  my  waste 
of  time   and  self-indulgence.      After  reading  1    Tim. 

i.  1 1.    I  went  out  to .     As  I  walked,  my  soul  was 

full  of  holy  ardour,  to  war  a  good  warfare,  and  to 
trample  sin  and  Satan  under  feet.     My  interview  with 

was   such   as  hurt    my   feelings.      He   did   not 

like  to  advance  the  money  without'  some  security.  I 
went  to  Mr.  G's  to  talk  to  him  on  the  subject ;  but 
after  waiting  two  hours  could  not  see  him.  My  mind 
was  ruminating  on  the  ways  of  the  world.  How  much 
of  them  is  seen  in  the  people  of  God.  Went  home  and 
found  comfort  in  prayer. 

24.  Breakfasted  with  Mr.  P ,  and  was  as  much 

delighted  with  his  kindness  as  I  was  hurt  by  the  extreme 
coldness  of afterwards,  to  whom  I  mentioned  my 


256  JOURNAL.  [1805 

pecuniary  difficulties,  I  felt  more  acutely  than  ever  I 
did  in  my  life  the  shame  attending  poverty.  Nothing 
but  the  remembrance  that  I  was  not  to  blame  sup- 
ported me.  Whatever  comes  to  me  in  the  way  of  Pro- 
vidence is  and  must  be  for  my  good. 

25.  Fervent  in  prayer  for  usefulness  in  the  ministry. 
In  the  streets,  in  my  walk,  my  heart,  in  some  dejection, 
seemed  at  times  to  triumph  over  difficulty  and  every 
snare,  in  the  power  and  strength  of  Christ.     Dined  and 

spent  the  evening  at  Dr.  's  with  Mr.   Atkinson. 

The  conversation  throughout  was  highly  spiritual  and 
profitable,  and  encouraging  to  me. 

26.  (Sunday.)  At  night  after  evening  service, 
employed  the  time  in  reading  and  prayer.  The  Lord 
vouchsafed  his  presence  in  prayer.  And  in  reading 
Isaiah,  I  was  delighted  with  the  promises  respecting  the 
church.  The  occasional  displays  in  Isaiah  of  the  great- 
ness of  God  rather  kept  my  heart  at  a  distance,  though 
in  other  parts  I  found  texts  that  encouraged  me. 
This  Sabbath  evening  was  attended  with  greater  com- 
fort and  profit  than  most  of  the  former.  Blessed  be  God 
for  the  continuance  of  his  loving  kindness  ! 

27.  Lost  much  of  my  comfort  by  following  my  own 
will  in  my  studies  and  employments  this  morning, 
instead  of  a  punctual  observance  of  the  order  of  duty. 
After  writing  some  letters,  prayed,  and  read  2  Tim.  i.  1 1 . 
but  could  not  find  that  spirituality  come  from  it,  which  I 
often  have.  O  I  need  the  spirit  of  fear,  that  I  may  serve 
God  with  reverence.  However,  in  the  evening,  it  pleased 
the  Lord  to  suflFer  me  to  draw  near  him  in  prayer.  My 
soul  had  a  solemn  season.  I  could  look  clearly  and 
steadily  through  the  whole  of  life,  and  feel  myself  at  the 
end  of  it ;  and  thus  pray  with  enlargement  respecting 
the  different  dangers  I  suspected  might  lie  in  my  way. 
Read  'Flavel's  Sermons  with  much  profit,  and  studied  a 
subject  for  Sunday  next. 

29.  It  pleased  God  to  keep  my  heart  right  this 
morning,  though  yesterday  and  this  morning  I  had  so 
little  regularity  in  secret  duties.     Went  to  Morden,  with 


1805]  JOURNAL.  257 

,  where  the  time  passed  rather  unprofitably.     In 

the  afternoon  read  Isaiah  li.  and  liii.   and  found  it  very 
solemnizing  to  my  soul.     I  desired  to  follow  Christ  in 

his  htuniliation. 's  want  of  sobriety  and  lowliness 

is  very  hurtful  to  me,  and  so  is  also  the  corruption  of 
my  sinful  heart. 

30.  Rose  with  a  great  deal  of  a  vain  spirit,  but  the 
mercy  of  God  restored  me.  Went  to  the  India  House. 
Kept  the  covenant  with  my  eyes  pretty  well.  Oh  what 
bitter  experience  have  I  had  to  teach  me  carefulness 
against  temptation.  I  have  found  this  method,  which 
I  have  sometimes  had  recourse  to,  useful  to-day  ; 
namely,  that  of  praying  in  ejaculations  for  any  particu- 
lar person  whose  appearance  might  prove  an  occasion 
of  sinful  thoughts.  After  asking  of  God,  that  she 
might  be  as  pure  and  beautiful  in  her  mind  and  heart 
as  in  body,  and  be  a  temple  of  the  Holy  Ghost,  conse- 
crated to  the  service  of  God,  for  whose  glory  she  was 
made,  I  dare  not  harbour  a  thought  of  an  opposite 
tendency.  About  the  middle  of  the  day  I  felt  exceed- 
ingly melancholy  at  my  improfitableness ;  and  prayer  and 
determination  to  be  more  diligent  could  not  remove  it. 
After  dinner  began  to  think  on  subject  for  sermon  with 
great  fervency  of  spirit,  and  wrote  very  slowly  all  the 
rest  of  the  evening.  Yet  this  continuance  of  employ- 
ment left  me  much  relieved  and  refreshed.  Now  this 
is  astonishing  to  me,  that  repeated,  daily,  invariable 
experience  assures  me  of  the  connection  God  has  made 
between  diligence  and  delight,  holiness  and  happiness, 
and  yet  I  am  so  neglectful  of  what  I  know  to  be  the 
means. 

3 1 .  Met  with  my  captain,  who  told  me  that  two-thirds 
of  his  cargo  was  aboard,  but  the  embargo  was  not  taken 
off.  How  uncertain  is  the  time  of  our  departure.  It  is 
the  Lord  that  orders  all  things.  He  will  scatter  the 
French  and  Spanish  fleets  with  his  storms,  rather  than 
that  his  Gospel  should  not  be  preached  among  the 
heathen,  if  he  so  design  it.  Of  how  little  consequence 
in  his  eyes  are  all  these  political  movements,  except  as 

s 


258  JOURNAL.  [1805 

in  subserviency  of  gathering  in  his  elect.  In  the  even- 
ing wrote  sermon,  my  mind  being  generally  happy  and 
serious.  Two  things,  I  sometimes  thought,  divided  my 
mind ;  to  live  upon  earth  sometime  longer  to  preach 
Christ  among  the  heathen,  or  to  depart  and  be  with 
him ;  though  I  could  not  but  feel  the  latter  would  be  far 
better. 

June  1.  I  am  now  come  to  that  month,  the  end  of 
which,  I  should  think,  I  shall  not  see  in  England.  My 
departure  from  my  friends,  and  my  deprivation  of  the 
sweetest  delight  in  society,  for  ever  in  this  life,  have 
rather  dejected  me  to-day.  Ah  !  nature,  thou  hast  still 
tears  to  shed  for  thyself!  Was  employed  in  writing 
sermon  all  day.  My  mind  was  peculiarly  solemn,  and 
had  several  affecting  seasons  in  prayer  to  the  Spirit  for 
assistance.  And  I  remember  that  this  time  last  year, 
when  I  was  preparing  for  Whitsunday,  and  led  in  some 
manner  to  pray  to  the  Spirit,  my  soul  was  more  than 
ordinarily  impressed.  I  seem  to  be  hankering  after 
something  or  other  in  this  world,  though  I  am  sure  I 
could  not  say  there  is  any  thing  which  I  believed  could  give 
me  happiness.  No  !  it  is  in  God  alone.  Yet  to-night  I 
have  been  thinking  much  of  Lydia.  Memory  has  been 
at  work  to  unnerve  my  soul,  but  reason,  and  honour, 
and  love  to  Christ  and  to  souls,  shall  prevail.  Amen. 
God  help  me.   ; 

2.  (Whitsunday.)  In  the  afternoon,  read  and 
preached  on  John  xvi.  8.  ''He  shall  convince  the 
world  of  sin."  There  was  great  attention,  and  my  own 
Spirit  was  animated,  but  I  had  not  the  precious  thoughts 
which  came  into  my  mind  occasionally  yesterday  and  to 
day ;  namely,  thoughts  of  the  value  of  souls  and  the 
power  of  God,  which  would  make  preaching  efficacious, 
and  thoughts  of  simply  approving  myself  unto  God,  in 
the  near  views  of  eternity,  unconcerned  and  deaf  to  all 
human  things  ;  and  fixedness  of  mind  on  the  great  end 
of  my  ministry.  At  home,  sat  and  meditated  and 
prayed,  for  I  was  too  fatigued  to  kneel ;  truly  I  have 
tasted   of  the  world   and   never  found  it  satisfy   me. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  259 

though  I  axn  still  foolish  enough  to  try  it.  My  dear 
Redeemer  is  a  fountain  of  life  to  my  soul.  Oh  that  I 
may  from  this  time  be  his,  and  be  encouraged  by  his 
kind  promises,  and  walk  in  his  love  under  the  guidance 
and  influence  of  the  blessed  Spirit.  With  resignation 
and  peace,  can  I  look  forward  to  a  life  of  labour  and 
entire  seclusion  from  earthly  comforts,  while  Jesus  thus 
stands  near  me,  changing  me  into  his  own  holy  image. 

3.  Received  a  letter  from  Major  S — —  to-day, 
which  rather  hurt  my  feelings ;  but  I  reflected  that  it  is  not 
my  own  fault,  so  far  as  I  can  see,  that  I  am  so  poor  as 
to  be  beholden  to  another  for  assistance ;  it  comes  from 
the  natural  Providence  of  God. 

Went  to  the  Eclectic,  where  there  were  nine  ministers 
besides  myself.  The  subject  was  the  symptoms  of  the 
state  of  the  nation.  Mr.  Cecil  spoke  admirably,  Mr.  F — , 
Mr.  P — ,  and  Mr.  Simons  also  very  well.  Towards  the 
end,  the  subject  of  marriage,  somehow  or  other,  came  to 
be  mentioned.  Mr.  Cecil  spoke  very  freely  and 
strongly  on  the  subject.  He  said  I  should  be  acting 
like  a  madman,  if  I  went  out  unmarried.  A  wife  would 
supply  by  her  comfort  and  coimsel  the  entire  want  of 
society,  and  also  be  a  preservation  both  to  character 
and  passions  amidst  such  scenes.  I  felt  as  cold  as  an 
anchorite  on  the  subject  as  to  my  own  feelings,  but  I 
was  much  perplexed  all  the  rest  of  the  evening  about  it. 
I  clearly  perceived  that  my  own  inclination  upon  the 
whole  was  not  to  marriage.  The  fear  of  being  involved 
in  worldly  cares,  and  numberless  troubles,  which  I  do 
not  now  foresee,  make  me  tremble  and  dislike  the 
thoughts  of  such  connections.  When  I  think  of 
Brainerd,  how  he  lived  among  the  Indians  ;  travelling 
freely  from  place  to  place :  can  I  conceive  he  would 
have  been  so  useful  had  he  been  married.  I  remember 
also  that  Owens,  who  had  been  so  many  years  in  the 
West  Indies  as  a  missionary,  gave  his  advice  against 
marriage.  Swartz  was  never  married,  nor  St.  Paul. 
On  the  other  hand,  when  I  suppose  another  in  my  cir- 
cumstances,  fixed   at  a  settlement  without  company, 

S  2 


260  JOURNAL.  [1805 

without  society,  in  a  scene  and  climate  of  such  tempta- 
tion, I  say  without  hesitation,  he  ought  to  be  married. 
I  have  recollected  this  evening  very  much  my  feelings 
when  I  walked  through  Wales  ;  how  I  longed  then  to 
have  some  friend  to  speak  to,  and  the  three  weeks 
seemed  an  age  without  one.  And  I  have  often  thought 
how  valuable  would  be  the  counsel  and  comfort  of  a 
Christian  brother  in  India.  These  advantages  would 
be  attained  by  marrying.  I  feel  anxious  also  that  as 
many  Christians  as  possible  should  go  to  India,  and  any 
one  willing  to  go  would  be  a  valuable  addition.  But 
yet  voluntary  celibacy  seems  so  much  more  noble  and 
glorious,  and  so  much  more  beneficial  in  the  way  of 
example,  that  I  am  loth  to  relinquish  the  idea  of  it.  In 
short,  I  am  utterly  at  a  loss  to  know  what  is  best  for 
the  interests  of  the  Gospel.  But  happily  my  own  peace 
IS  not  much  concerned  in  it.  If  this  opinion  of  so  many 
pious  clergymen  had  come  across  me  when  I  was  in 
Cornwall,  and  so  strongly  attached  to  my  beloved  Lydia, 
it  would  have  been  a  conflict  indeed  in  my  heart  to 
oppose  so  many  arguments.  But  no.w  I  feel,  through 
grace,  an  astonishing  difference.  I  hope  I  am  not  seek- 
ing an  excuse  for  marriage,  nor  persuading  myself  I  am 
indifferent  about  it,  in  order  that  what  is  really  my 
inclination  may  appear  to  be  the  will  of  God.  But  I 
feel  my  affections  kindling  to  their  wonted  fondness 
while  I  dwell  on  the  circumstances  of  an  union  with 
Lydia.  May  the  Lord  teach  his  weak  creatxu^e  to  live 
peacefully  and  soberly  in  his  love,  drawing  all  my  joys 
from  him,  the  fountain  of  living  waters. 

4.  The  subject  of  marriage  made  me  thoughtful  and 
serious.  Mr.  Atkinson,  whose  opinion  I  revere,  was 
against  my  marrying.  Found  near  access  to  my  God 
in  prayer.  Oh  what  a  comfort  it  is  to  have  God  to  go 
to.  I  breathed  freely  to  him  my  sorrows  and  cares,  and 
set  about  my  work  with  diligence.  The  Lord  assisted 
me  very  much,  and  I  wrote  more  freely  than  ever  I  did. 
Slept  very  little  in  the  night. 

5.  Corrie  breakfasted  with  me  and  went  to  prayer  ; 


1805]  JOURNAL.  261 

I  rejoiced  to  find  he  was  not  unwilling  to  go  to 
India.  He  will  probably  be  my  fellow-labourer.  Most 
of  this  morning  was  employed  in  writing  all  my  senti- 
ments on  the  subject  of  marriage  to  Mr.  Simeon.  May 
the  Lord  suggest  something  to  him  which  may  be  of 
use  to  guide  me,  and  keep  my  eye  single.  In  my  walk 
out  and  afterwards,  the  subject  was  constantly  on  my 
mind.  But  alas !  I  did  not  guard  against  that  distrac- 
tion from  heavenly  things  which  I  was  aware  it  would 
occasion.  On  reflection  at  home,  I  found  I  had  been 
talking  in  a  very  inconsistent  manner.  But  was  again 
restored  to  peace  by  an  application  to  Christ's  blood 
through  the  Spirit.  My  mind  has  all  this  day  been 
very  strongly  inclined  to  marriage,  and  has  been  conse- 
quently uncomfortable,  for  in  proportion  to  its  want  of 
simplicity  is  it  unhappy.  But  Mr.  Cecil  said  to-day, 
he  thought  Lydia's  decision  would  fully  declare  the  will  of 
God.  With  this  I  am  again  comforted,  for  now  hath 
the  Lord  taken  the  matter  into  his  own  hands.  What- 
ever he  decides  upon  I  shall  rejoice,  and  though  I  con- 
fess I  think  she  will  not  consent  to  go,  I  shall  Uien  have 
the  question  finally  settled. 

6.  God's  interference  in  supporting  me  continually, 
appears  to  me  like  a  miracle.  With  this  subject  of  so 
great  importance  on  my  mind,  involving  such  doubt 
and  uncertainty,  he  keeps  me  surprisingly  composed,  and 
assists  me  wonderfully  in  my  work.  Called  this  mor- 
ning on  Mr.  Parry,  who  told  me  the  embargo  would  be 
taken  off  in  a  few  days,  but  the  fleet  would  not  sail  in 

less  than  a  fortnight.     In  my  walk  met  Mr.  H , 

and  was  much  relieved  by  his  kind  manner.  How 
many  temptations  are  there  in  the  streets  of  London ! 
Returned  home  with  a  distaste  for  every  thing,  but  by 
prayer  over  the  iiird  and  ivth  of  Ephesians ;  my  soid 
was  restored  both  to  elasticity  and  comfortable  serious- 
ness.    Dined  at ,  with  Mr.  V.  a  Dutch  gentleman, 

whose  Christian  simplicity  and  good  sense  delights  me 
beyond  measure.  He  described  his  conversion  as  hav- 
ing taken  place  at  Bourdeaux,  on  his  return  home  from 


262  JOURNAL.  [1805 

Spain.  He  knew  Dr.  Vanderkemp.  As  we  conversed 
all  of  us  about  spiritual  things,  our  hearts  burned  within 
us.  I  was  delighted  to  hear  the  same  truths  lisped  in 
foreign  accents.  He  also  described  in  a  most  interest- 
ing detail,  the  manner  in  which  the  French  preyed  upon 
them  at  Dort,  where  he  was  one  of  the  magistracy. 
Discussion  in  the  evening  was  about  my  marriage  again ; 
they  were  all  strenuous  advocates  for  it.  Wrote  at 
night  with  great  freedom,  but  my  body  is  very  weak 
frdm  the  fatigue  I  have  already  undergone.  My  mind 
seems  very  active  this  week  ;  manifestly  indeed  strength- 
ened by  God  to  be  enabled  to  write  on  religious  sub- 
jects with  such  unusual  ease,  while  it  is  also  full  of  this 
important  business  of  the  marriage.  My  inclination 
continues,  I  think,  far  more  unbiassed  than  when  I 
wrote  to  Mr.  Simeon. 

7.  Oh,  the  subtilty  of  the  Devil,  and  the  deceitful- 
ness  of  this  corrupted  heart.  How  has  an  idol  been 
imperceptibly  raised  up  in  it.  Something  fell  from  Dr. 
F.  this  evening  against  my  marriage,  which  struck  me 
so  forcibly,  though  there  was  nothing  particular  in  it, 
that  I  began  to  see  I  should  finally  give  up  all  thoughts 
about  it.  But  how  great  the  conflict  1  I  could  not 
have  believed  it  had  such  hold  on  my  affections.  Before 
this  I  had  been  writing  in  tolerable  tranquillity,  and 
walked  out  in  the  enjoyment  of  a  resigned  mind,  even 
rejoicing  for  the  most  part  in  Grod,  and  dined  at  Mr. 
Cecil's,  where  the  arguments  I  heard  were  all  in  favour 

of  the  flesh,  and  so  I  was  pleased  ;  but  Dr.  F 's 

words  gave  a  new  turn  to  my  thoughts,  and  the  tumult 
showed  me  the  true  state  of  my  heart.  How  miserable 
did  life  appear,  without  the  hope  of  Lydia.  Oh,  how 
has  the  discussion  of  the  subject  opened  all  my  wounds 
afresh.  I  have  not  felt  such  heart-rending  pain,  since  I 
parted  with  her  in  Cornwall.  But  the  Lord  brought 
me  to  consider  the  folly  and  wickedness  of  all  this. 
Shall  I  hesitate  to  keep  my  days  in  constant  solitude, 
who  am  but  a  brand  plucked  from  the  burning?  I 
could  not  help  saying,  Go,  Hindoos,  go  on  in  your 


1805]  JOURNAL.  263 

misery,  let  Satan  still  rule  over  you,  for  he  that  was 
appointed  to  labour  among  you,  is  consulting  his  ease. 
No,  thought  I,  hell  and  earth  shall  never  keep  me  back 
from  my  work.  I  am  cast  down,  but  not  destroyed  ;  I 
began  to  consider,  why  am  I  so  uneasy,  "  Cast  thy  care 
upon  him,  for  he  careth  for  you."  "  In  every  thing  by 
prayer,  &c."  These  promises  were  graciously  fulfilled, 
before  long,  to  me. 

8.  My  mind  continued  in  much  the  same  state  this 
morning,  waiting  with  no  small  anxiety  for  a  letter  from 
Mr,  Simeon,  hoping  of  course  that  the  will  of  God 
would  coincide  with  my  will,  yet  thinking  the  determi- 
nation of  the  question  would  be  indifferent  to  me.  When 
the  letter  arrived,  I  was  immediately  convinced  beyond 
all  doubt,  of  the  expediency  of  celibacy.  But  my  wish 
did  not  foUow  my  judgment  quite  so  readily.  Mr. 
Pratt  coming  in,  argued  strongly  on  the  other  side,  but 
there  was  nothing  of  any  weight.  The  subject  so  occu- 
pied my  thoughts,  that  I  could  attend  to  nothing  else. 
I  saw  myself  called  to  be  less  than  ever  a  man  of  this 
world,  and  walked  out  with  a  heavy  heart.  Met  Dr.  F. 
who  alone  of  all  men  could  best  sympathize ;  and  his 
few  words  were  encouraging.  Yet  I  cannot  cordially 
acquiesce  in  all  the  Lord's  dealings,  though  my  reason 
and  judgment  approve  them,  and  my  inclination  would 
desire  to  do  it.  Dined  at  Mr.  Cecil's,  where  it  provi- 
dentially happened  that  Mr.  Foster  came  in.  To 
them  I  read  Mr.  Simeon's  letter,  and  they  were  both 
convinced  by  it.  So  I  went  away  home  with  nothing 
to  do  but  to  get  my  heart  easy  again  under  this  sacri- 
fice. I  devoted  myself  once  more  to  the  entire  and 
everlasting  service  of  God,  and  found  myself  more 
weaned  from  this  world,  and  desiring  the  next;  though 
not  from  a  right  principle.  Continued  all  the  evening 
writing  sermon,  and  reading  Pilgrim's  Progress, 
with  successions  of  vivid  emotions  of  pain  and  plea- 
sure. My  heart  was  sometimes  ready  to  break  with 
agony,  at  being  torn  from  its  dearest  idol,  and  at  other 
times  I  was  visited  by  a  few  moments  of  sublime  and 


264  JOURNAL.  [1805 

enraptured  joy.  Such  is  the  conflict :  why  have  my 
friends  mentioned  this  subject  ?  It  has  torn  open  old 
wounds,  and  I  am  again  bleeding.  With  all  my  hon- 
ours and  knowledge,  the  smiles  and  approbation  of  men, 
the  health  and  prosperity  that  have  fallen  to  my  lot, 
together  with  that  freedom  from  doubts  and  fears,  with 
which  I  was  formerly  visited  ;  how  much  have  I  gone 
through  in  the  last  two  or  three  years,  to  bring  my  mind 
to  be  willing  to  do  the  will  of  God  when  it  should  be 
revealed.  My  heart  is  pained  within  me,  and  my  bodily 
frame  suffers  from  it. 

9.  (Sunday.)  My  heart  is  still  pained.  It  is  still 
as  a  bullock  unaccustomed  to  the  yoke.  The  Lord 
help  me  to  maintain  the  conflict.  Preached  this  mor- 
ning at  Long  Acre  Chapel,  on  Matt,  xxviii.  the  three 
last  verses.  There  was  the  utmost  attention.  In  the 
interval  between  morning  and  afternoon,  passed  most 
of  the  time  in  reading  and  prayer.  Read  Matthew  iii. 
and  considered  the  character  of  John  the  Baptist.  Holy 
emulation  seemed  to  spring  up  in  my  mind.  Then  read 
John  xvii,  and  last  chapter,  and  Rev.  i,  all  of  which 
were  blessed  to  my  soul.  I  went  into  the  church  per- 
suaded in  my  feelings, — which  is  different  from  being  per- 
suaded in  the  understanding, — that  it  was  nobler  and 
wiser  to  be  as  John  the  Baptist,  Peter,  John,  and  all  the 
apostles,  than  to  have  my  own  will  gratified.  Preached 
on  Eph.  ii.  18.  Walked  a  little  with  Mr.  Grant  this 
evening.  He  told  me  I  should  have  great  trials  and 
temptations  in  India,  but  I  know  where  to  apply  for 

grace  to  help.     I  inferred  from  what  he  said,  that 

and were  but  in  a  low  state;  that  I  must  beware  of 

sinking  to  their  standard,  and  at  the  same  time  of 
running  to  an  intemperate  zeal.  He  advised  me  to 
acquire  the  language,  customs,  and  mythology,  by 
inviting  the  Brahmins  to  come  and  see  me.  They 
account  it  an  honour  to  be  received  and  treated  well  by 
an  European.  I  should  have  no  difliculty  in  getting 
some  country  place,  as  it  was  the  lowest  situation  of  all ; 
and  the  salary  less  than  a  chaplaincy  to  a  brigade. 


18.05]  JOURNAL.  265 

10.  In  the  evening  went  to  ;  my  mind  was 

melancholy,  but  not  unhappy.  The  ease  and  elegance 
in  which  Uiey  live  here,  gave  rise  to  a  variety  of  re- 
flections,  for  while  they  were  engaged  in  music,  I 
was  left  at  liberty  to  be  looking  out  at  the  window. 
I  felt  the  utmost  indifference  about  the  whole  of  the 
trifles  of  this  life.  It  is  perhaps  for  this,  I  am  cut 
off  from  the  hope  of  Lydia;  but  I  did  perceive  that 
a  life  of  labour  for  immortal  souls,  was  better  riches 
than  all  this  which  I  was  seeing.  The  sight  also  of  H. 
in  a  fit,  very  much  affected  me ;  so  that  in  my  own  room 
at  night,  I  found  a  melancholy  pleasure  in  sitting  at  the 
window  in  the  dark,  looking  at  the  skies.  My  sovl  was 
deeply  impressed  with  the  value  of  souls,  and  with  the 
necessity  of  speaking  seriously  to  the  conscience  ;  eter- 
nity seemed  near;  no  prospect  of  happiness  on  earth 
appeared  in  view.  Meditated  on  a  subject  to  speak  on 
in  the  morning. 

11.  Came  to  town  in  H.'s  carriage;  he  begged 
me  to  come  again,  as  certainly  some  good  was 
doing. 

12.  Discontented  this  morning  with  Qvery  thing; 
but  by  prayer,  my  spirit  was  a  little  quieted  and 
solemnized.  Poor  i^nd  unprofitable  as  I  am,  I  trust  that 
I  have  been  brought  to  Christ,  and  have  been  so  far 
changed  as  to  find  my  chief  pleasure  in  loving  an& 
serving  him ;  but  alas,  every  trifle  is  able  to  distract  me 
from  him. 

13.  Employed  in  going  about  buying  books,  and 
packing  up,  &c.  but  much  time  outwardly  was  given  to 
meditation  on  a  subject  with  little  success.  At  times  of 
prayer  had  some  affection,  particularly  at  those  hours 
when  I  felt  most  unwilling  and  unfit  to  pray  at  all.  Had 
I  a  more  tender  sense  of  mercy,  I  should  have  delighted 
to  write  on  the  subject  I  had  chosen ;  yet  it^is  very 
sweet  to  be  desiring  such  a  state.  I  would  wish,  like 
Mary,  to  be  weeping  at  the  feet  of  Jesus. 

14.  Employed  in  writing  on  the  same  subject ;  more 
watchful  and  near  the  Lord,   and  of  course  more  peace 


266  JOURNAL.  [1805 

and  comfort.  Dr.  F.'s  words  (who  called  this  morn- 
ing) made  some  animal  impression,  *  The  Lord  be  with 
you  ;  and  I  think  that  he  will  be  with  you  too/  Sent 
off  all  my  luggage,  as  preparatory  to  its  going  on  board. 
Dined  at  Mr.  Cecil's,  he  endeavoured  to  correct  my 
reading,  but  in  vain,  *  Brother  M.'  says  he,  ^  you  are  a 
humble  man,  and  would  gain  regard  in  private  life ;  but 
to  gain  public  attention  you  must  force  yourself  into  a 
more  marked  and  expressive  manner.'  Read  and  wrote 
the  remainder  of  the  evening ;  this  I  observed,  that  when 
at  one  time  I  began  to  write  without  a  prayer  to  the 
blessed  Spirit,  I  found  myself  not  stirring  ;  but  after  it, 
was  enabled  to  go  on  again;  oh,  may  He  teach  me  con- 
tinually my  dependence  upon  Him.  Generally,  to-night, 
have  I  been  above  the  world  ;  Lydia,  and  other  comforts 
I  would  resign. 

16.  I  thought  it  probable,  from  illness,  that  death 
might  be  at  hand,  and  this  was  before  me  all  the  day ; 
sometimes  I  was  exceedingly  refreshed  and  comforted  at 
the  thought,  at  other  times  I  felt  unwilling  and  afraid  to 
die.  Shed  tears  at  night,  at  the  thought  of  my  de- 
parture, and  the  roaring  sea,  that  woidd  soon  be  rolling 
between  me  and  all  that  is  dear  to  me  upon  earth. 

17.  Attended  the  Eclectic;  Mr.  Wood,  Mr.  Venn, 
and  Mr.  Cecil  spoke  very  sensibly  on  the  subject, 
-^'  The  measure  and  means  of  happiness.'  This  ques- 
tion once  occasioned  me  dreadful  disquiet,  and  I  was 
at  this  time  led  into  many  metaphysical  enquiries, 
without  coming  at  any  thing.  My  ignorance  on  this 
subject  gives  me  trouble  in  this  way  ;  if  I  do  not  know 
what  happiness  is, — how  it  is  to  be  defined, — what  a 
visionary,  baseless  fabric  is  religion  which  proposes  to 
lead  us  to  it.  On  my  return  from  them,  I  continued  a 
long  time  in  prayer  to  God,  without  peace.  I  thought 
that  if  religion  were  false,  I  would  willingly  be  deceived, 
but  I  found  to  my  pain,  that  the  mind  cannot  be  free  in 
this  particular,  it  cannot  choose  to  be  deceived ;  how- 
ever, the  Lord  restored  my  soul  after  a  time,  to  feel  the 
simplicity  of  the  gospel.     I  endeavoured  to  see  myself 


1805]  JOURNAL.  267 

a  sinner^  my  plain  business  therefore  was,  not  to  specu- 
late, but  to  obtain  salvation  in  the  shortest  manner  I 
could.  Besides,  as  I  am  convinced,  that  nothing  but  the 
gospel,  whether  true  or  false,  was  of  any  use  to  man,  it 
was  my  business  not  to  stay  philosophizing  and  puzzling 
myself,  while  souls  were  perishing ;  and  what  struck  me 
as  much  as  any  thing,  was,  that  metaphysicians  who 
might  really  discover  truth,  were  in  general,  poor  crea- 
tures, full  of  pride  and  sin.  Let  me  fed  it  to  be  my 
true  wisdom.  I  prayed  to  become  a  child  and  a 
fool.  My  mind  was  made  easy.  I  read  Col.  i.  atten- 
tively, and  prayed  over  it  with  great  increase  to  my 
comfort. 

18.  Walked  to  Hampstead,  found  myself  uncom* 
fortable  through  carnality  of  thought.  By  endeavour* 
ing  to  bend  my  soul  to  holy  meditation,  and  to  consider 
the  Christian  life  as  a  struggle  and  a  warfare,  I  became 
a  little  easy.  .  Oh  how  unhappy  is  life  without  God. 
The  fine  prospect  at  Hampstead  rather  set  my  ideas 
afloat  again,  and  I  exulted  in  the  thought  that  one  day 
the  knowledge  of  the  Lord  shall  cover  the  earth.  At 
night,  enjoyed  the  presence  of  God  in  secret  duties. 
The  scenes  of  time  seemed  to  have  passed  away.  Went 
to  bed  in  the  hope  that  I  should  soon  know  what  con- 
stant communion  meant. 

20.  Learnt  that  it  was  probable  that  we  should  sail 
next  week.  Passed  the  latter  part  of  the  day  alone,  and 
enjoyed  much  more  comfort  and  peace  than  for  some 
time.  I  read  the  Acts  with  great  delight,  and  afterwards 
at  other  parts  of  the  day,  enjoyed  access  to  God,  though 
at  first  there  was  great  strangeness,  from  being  so  much 
out  of  doors,  engaged  in  temporal  matters. 

21.  Went  to  Hampstead.  In  the  coach,  after  some 
difficulty,  I  brought  the  two  persons  who  were  with  me, 
to  conversation  on  religion.  They  had  the  common 
objections,  and  argued  very  warmly  against  me.  But 
the  Lord  fulfilled  his  promise  in  giving  me  a  mouth 
and  wisdom. 

23.     (Sunday.)     It  pleased    God  to  give  me  some 


268  JOURNAL.  [1805 

sense  of  my  neglect  of  his  work,  and  to  renew  the  spirit 
I  had  last  night  in  prayer ;  when  my  soul  seemed  to 
yearn  after  a  life  of  extraordinary  zeal,  steadiness,  and 
spirituality  in  Christ's  service.  Read  2  Corinthians  till 
church.  Mr.  Cecil  preached  on  Psalm  xxiii.  3.  Walked 
after  church,  with  Mr.  Grant,  who  advised  me  to  leave 
town  this  week.  Walked  alone  afterwards,  with  a  so- 
ber, but  rather  melancholy  frame.  Walked  home  from 
Hampstead  in  the  evening  with  the  — — 's.  The  con- 
versation part  of  the  way  was  on  divine  subjects,  but  I 
endeavoured  to  seek  the  presence  of  Grod  as  if  alone. 
In  a  sorrowful  and  humbled  frame,  I  found  it  refreshing 
to  devote  myself  to  Christ's  service.  The  world  and 
worldly  things,  even  Lydia,  appeared  all  indifferent.  I 
wished  for  nothing  here.  My  proper  work  as  a  minister 
and  a  missionary  seemed  all  my  business,  and  all  that 
was  worth  living  for.  The  words  of  the  hymn — *  Jesus, 
at  thy  command,'  &c.  were  much  on  my  mind.       ^  . 

To  Mes.  Hitchins. 

London^  June  24,  1805. 
My  dear  Cousin, 
The  account  of  your  ill  health  as  described  in  your 
former  letter,  affected  me  even  to  tears.  I  cannot  in- 
deed expect  to  «ee  you  any  more  upon  earth ;  yet  for 
my  dear  brother's  sake,  and  those  to  whom  you  are 
immediately  useful,  I  wish  to  regard  the  hour  of  your 
departure  as  far  distant — but  in  this  and  every  other 
particular  that  concerns  us,  God  will  act  according  to 
his  infinite  wisdom  and  love.  As  you  are  safe  in  the 
Lord  Jesus,  nothing  need  disquiet  you,  or  us,  on  your 
account — ^whether  life  or  death,  all  is  yours.  *  * 
*  *  May  God  enable  you,  according  to  your 
desire,  to  continue  walking  as  on  the  verge  of  eternity, 
looking  for  and  hastening  to  the  coming  of  the  day  of 
God.  *  *  *  There  are  not  many  things 
in  the  world  which  I  would  withhold  from  you ;  but 
with  respect  to   the  sermons  for  which  you   ask,  my 


1805]  LETTER.  269 

mind  must  be  changed  before  I  send  them.         *         * 

*  *"  Sermons  cannot  be  godd  memorials,  be- 
cause once  read,  they  are  done  with — especially  a  young 
man's  sermons,  unless  they  possess  a  peculiar  simplicity 
and  spirituality ;  which  I  need  not  say  are  qualities  not  be- 
longing to  mine.  I  hope,  however,  that  I  am  improving  ; 
and  I  trust  that  now  I  am  removed  from  the  contagion 
of  academic  air,  and  am  in  the  way  of  acquiring  a 
greater  knowledge  of  men,  and  of  my  own  heart,  I  shall 
exchange  my  jejune  scholastic  style  for  a  simple 
spiritual  exhibition  of  profitable  truth.  Mr.  Cecil  has 
been  taking  a  great  deal  of  pains  with  me  ;  my  insipid, 
inanimate  manner  in  the  pulpit,  he  says,  is  intolerable. 

*  Sir,'  said  he,  ^  it  is  cupola-painting,  not  miniature, 
that  must  be  the  aim  of  a  inan  that  harangues  a 
multitude.'  Whitsun-week  was  a  time  of  the  utmost 
distress  to  me ;  but  now,  through  the  mercy  of  God,  I 
am  once  more  at  peace.  What  cannot  his  power  effect? 
The  present  wish  of  my  heart  is,  that  I  may  henceforth 
have  no  one  thing  upon  earth  for  which  I  would  wish  to 
stay  another  hour,  except  it  be  to  serve  the  Lord  my 
Saviour  in  the  work  of  the  ministry.  Pray,  my  dear 
sister,  that  the  Lord  may  keep  in  the  imaginations  of 
the  thoughts  of  my  heart,  all  that  may  be  for  the  glory 
of  his  great  name.  The  time  of  sailing  is  not  yet 
certain.  The  ships  are  getting  round  to  Portsmouth 
fast.  I  shall  leave  town  this  week,  probably  not  before 
Thursday.  As  my  ship  is  one  of  the  latest,  we  shall 
probably  not  be  detained  long  there.  If  we  were,  it 
would  not  be  safe  to  venture  to  Plymouth,  scarcely  in- 
deed could  I  wish  it. 

25.  An  hour  lost  this  morning  deranged  the  comfort 
of  the  day.  In  consequence  of  carelessness,  I  was  so 
late  as  to  have  but  little  time  in  prayer,  before  going  to 
Islington  ;  far  too  little  to  have  holy  impressions  on  jmy 
soul. 

26.  Met  a  large  party  at  Mr.  Grant's.  I  had  here 
a  great  marvel  for  my  pride.     The  remarkable  attention 


270  JOURNAL.  [1805 

paid  to  me  was  far  too  pleasing  to  my  corrupt  nature, 
and  was  of  course  "followed  by  unhappiness.  It  seems  I 
am  likely  to  stay  another  week. 

27 .  Received  some  refreshment  of  spirit  from  prayer, 
and  went  on  with  a  devout  and  steady  desire  to  glorify 

God  to  the   utmost.     Met ,  my  fellow  passenger. 

As  I  once  was,  he  appeared  restless  and  unhappy  for 
want  of  knowing  God. 

28.  In  a  storm  of  thunder  and  lightning,  I  felt  safe 
in  the  mercy  of  God,  and  rejoiced  at  this  display  of  his 
greatness.  Oh  what  a  great  God  do  sinners  harden 
themselves  against.  Sat  for  my  miniature  to  a  female 
painter ;  during  the  whole  time  she  disputed  against 
religion.  I  answered  all  her  arguments,  and  explained 
the  gospel  ^  well  as  I  could.    ' 

29.  Diligently  employed  all  day,  and  was  greatly 
assisted  to  get  my  work  finished  at  night.  The  constant 
employment  in  Divine  things  to-day  has  tired  my  body 
but  refreshed  my  soul.  O  what  a  pity  it  is  that  one 
vile  earthly  thought  should  come  where  spiritual  and 
heavenly  ones  ought  to  be.  I  should  like  to  be  ever 
engaged  in  thinking  of  God  and  eternity.  But  soon  shall 
I  be  in  that  world  of  spirits,  I  hope  and  trust  with  my  soul 
swallowed  up  in  the  love  and  service  of  God.     Amen. 

30.  (Sunday.)     After  breakfasting  with went 

down  with  him  to  Mitcham.  Felt  some  pain  at  observing 
in  him  a  tendency  to  laxity  in  certain  points  of  doctrine. 
Preached  at  Mitcham  church.  Returning  towards  town 
in  the  evening  we  stopped  at  Clapham  church,  where, 
though  the  service  was  begun,  Mr.  Venn  begged  me  so 
much  to  preach,  that  I  did  on  1  Cor.  xxiii.  24.  *'  We 
preach,"  &c.  to  a  very  attentive  people.  Mr.  Wilber- 
force,  Mr.  H —  and  Mr.  Thornton,  &c.  were  there. 
Spent  the  rest  of  the  evening  with  Mr,  Wilberforce. 

July  1 .  Came  with  Mr.  Thornton  to  the  Admiralty, 
Lord  Barham's,  and  took  my  leave.  In  my  rooms  read 
Jon.  Edwards,  and  1  Sam.  chiefly  till  Corrie  called.  In 
the  evening  Corrie  sat  again  with  me  and  refreshed  my 
heart  by  spiritual  conversation.     At  night  in  prayer,  my 


1805]  •  JOURNAL.  271 

soul,  with  so  much  company  and  earthly  work  lately, 
was  tired,  yet  longed  seemingly  above  all  things,  to 
spend  and  to  be  spent  for  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ 

2.  Corrie  breakfasted  with  me.  We  conversed 
about  the  great  work  among  the  heathen.  Read  and 
prayed.  I  did  little  more  than  write  to  K.  and  sit  for 
my  miniature  to  the  painter  lady,  who  still  repeated  her 
infidel  cavils,  having  nothing  more  to  say  in  the  way  of 
argument,  I  thought  it  right  to  declare  the  threatenings 
of  God,  to  those  who  reject  his  Gospel.  Our  conver- 
sation lasted  for  an  hour  and  a  half.     Went  to  take 

coach  for  M ,  but  being  too  late,  walked  to  London 

bridge^  where  the  sight  of  the  shipping,  as  reminding  me 
of  my  approaching  departure,  was  very  agreeable  to  me. 

3.  Exceedingly  weak  in  body,  and  uneasy  in  mind. 
Felt  the  utmost  reluctance  to  every  exertion  of  either. 

Went  down  to  M in  the  coach.     I  could  not  bring 

myself  to  open  my  mouth  at  all,  the  exertion  seemed  so 
painful.  I  thought  of  Christ  and  the  Samaritan  woman, 
but  sense  of  duty  did  not  prevail.  If  these  people  are 
condemned  at  the  day  of  judgment,  and  I  were, bid  to 
see  the  consequences  of  neglecting  to  speak  for  their 
souls,  how  should  I  be  overwhelmed  with  shame  and 
confusion.  God  forgive  me  this  sin.  I  was  kept  idle 
and  without  communion  with  God  ;  when  I  retired  into 
a  room  to  pray  I  was  interrupted,  and  when  I  went  into 
the  garden  I  met  with  some  of  the  walkers-  However, 
the  Lord  heard  one  or  two  ejaculations,  and  assisted  my 
soul  to  rise  to  the  enjoyment  of  another  world,  yet  not 
to  that  steady  sobriety  which  long  communion  with 
God  produces.  In  a  solitary  walk  I  had  an  opportunity 
of  calling  upon  God.  I  see  very  plainly  that  firmness 
and  dignity  becomes  a  minister  of  the  Gospel,  and  that 
a  deep  impression  of  divine  things  always  tends  to  pro- 
duce it  in  me.  **  Let  your  speech  be  always  with  grace 
seasoned  with  salt."  "  Let  no  man  despise  thee.*' 
At  night,  when  the  day  is  over,  I  generally  feel  roused 
to  be  fervent  and  animated  in  the  service  of  Christ,  and 
to  be  always  a  burning  light. 


272  JOURNAL.  [1805 

4.  Walked  before  breakfast  in  the  grounds,  in  a 
sort  of  sorrowful  solemnity,  yet  with  much  peace  of 
mind.  In  the  family  worship  took  my  leave  of  them  in 
St.  Paul's  words,  and  "  Now  brethren,  I  commend 
you,"  &c.  What  a  world  would  this  be,  if  there  were 
no  God.  Were  not  God  the  sovereign  of  the  universe, 
how  miserable  should  I  be  ;  but  the  Lord  reigneth,  let 
the  earth  be  glad.  And  Christ's  cause  shall  prevail. 
O  my  soul  be  happy  in  the  prospect.  As  I  sat  this 
evening  reflecting  on  my  perfect  health,  and  the  enjoy- 
ment of  every  blessing,  my  base  ingratitude  for  not 
loving  and  praising  God,  struck  me  very  much.  Thou- 
sands starving,  thousands  sick  and  forsaken,  thousands 
groaning  under  the  devil's  bondage,  and  I  here  unthank- 
^1 !  My  soul  may  almost  burst  with  astonishment  at 
its  own  wickedness,  but  at  the  same  time  trusting  to 
mercy,  I  will  rise  and  go  and  try  to  make  men  happy. 
The  Lord  God  go  with  me.  Let  my  right  hand  forget 
his  cunning,  if  I  remember  not  Jerusalem  above  my 
chief  joy. 

7.  (Sunday.)  Too  much  employed  about  sermon, 
so  as  to  have  little  time  for  reading  and  prayer  before 
chiu'ch.  This  produced  some  humiliation.  Preached  a 
farewell  sermon  at  St.  John's,  on  Acts  xx.  32.  to  a  large 
and  attentive  congregation.  Drank  tea  at  Mr.  Cecil's. 
Read  in  the  evening  and  received  the  benediction  of  many 
people.  My  mind  has  been  distracted  to-day.  How 
little  do  people  know  what  inward  loneliness  there  is, 
with   all  this  noise  and  bustle  about  my  going  abroad. 

0  that  I  could  escape  from  the  crowd  and  walk  sweetly 
alone  with  God. 

July  8  to  10.  I  begin  another  book  of  my  Journal, 
but  how  doubtful  is  it,  if  I  shall  ever  live  to  finish  it ! 

1  am  now  in  my  cabin,  bound  for  India,  soon  to  meet 
new  dangers  and  trials  ;  but  happy  is  it  for  me  that 
through  the  mercy  of  God  I  feel  safe  in  his  protection. 
The  8  th  I  took  leave  of  some  friends,  and  sat  for  my 
picture  to  Russel  for  Bates  ;  I  left  home  about  three 
o'clock  in  W.  H 's  carriage,  and  reached  Alton  ;  the 


1805]  JOURNAL.  273 

next  day  went  to  Midhurst,  to  visit  Sargent ;  felt  much 
sorrow  at  the  thought  of  leaving  such  friends ;  rode 
back  to  Petersfidd  at  night ;  though  I  was  in  good  health 
a  moment  before,  yet  as  I  was  undressing  I  fainted,  and 
fell  into  a  convulsive  fit ;  I  lost  my  senses  for  some 
time,  and  on  recovering  a  little,  found  myself  in  intense 
pain.  Death  appeared  near  at  hand,  and  seemed  some* 
what  different  and  more  terrible  than  I  could  have  con- 
ceived before,  not  in  its  conclusion,  but  in  itself.  I  felt 
assured  of  my^  safety  in  Christ.  Slept  very  little  that 
night  from  extreme  debility.  10th,  I  went  to  Ports- 
mouth, where  we  arrived  to  breakfast,  and  found  friends 
from  Cambridge.  Went  with  my  things  on  board  the 
Union  at  the  Motherbank.  Mr.  Simeon  read  and  prayed 
in  the  afternoon,  thinking  I  was  to  go  on  board  for  the 
last  time,  Mr.  Simeon  first  prayed  and  then  myself.  On 
our  way  to  the  ship,  we  sung  hymns.  The  time  was 
exceedingly  solemn,  and  our  hearts  seemed  filled  with 
solemn  joy.  I  slept  on  board  for  the  first  time,  but  got 
little  sleep,  from  a  headache,  and  the  various  noises 
on  board.  Rose  at  four  the  next  morning,  in  ex- 
pectation of  the  return  of  my  fi-iends,  but  they  did  not 
come  till  late.  I  passed  my  time  in  thinking  on  Matt. 
v.  3.  Went  ashore  with  them  to  the  Isle  of  Wight, 
and  dined  at  St.  John's,  after  which  the  party  rode  to 
see  the  grounds,  and  those  of  Sir  Nash  Grose.  I  endea- 
voured to  have  my  mind  right  in  all  this.  Slept  on 
board. 

14.  (Sunday)  Friends  came  on  board  early,  I  read 
and  preached  on  Matt.  v.  2 — 4.  to  the  ship's  company, 
passengers,  soldiers,  &c.  Dined  ashore.  On  our  return 
in  the  evening,  Mr.  Simeon  read  and  preached.  I  went 
ashore  with  them  in  the  evening,  much  against  my  will, 
but  was  enlivened  and  refreshed  in  my  spirit,  as  we 
sung  hynms  by  moonlight  on  the  water. 

15.  Mr.  Simeon  read  1  Peter  i.  and  I  prayed  with 
some  degree  of  solemnity.  We  walked  to  see  the  dock- 
yard, and  the  hulks.  I  found  no  sort  of  amusement 
in  it,  because  my  heart  was  near  to  God. 

T 


274  LETTER.  [1805 

Portsmouth,  July  15,  1805. 
My  dear  Cousins, 
I  went  on  board  on  Friday,  expecting  to  sail  imme- 
diately, but  we  have  since  been  informed  that  government 
will  not  suffer  us  to  depart  till  tidings  shall  have  been 
received  from  Lord  Nelson.  I  make  haste  therefore  to 
request  you  will  send  me  another  letter,  directed  to  me 
on  board  the  Union,  East  Indiaman.  Yesterday  morn- 
ing I  read  the  service  and  preached  on  ifok  to  the  ship's 
crew.  My  text  was  Matt.  v.  2 — 4.  Everything  was  con- 
ducted with  the  utmost  decorum.  Mr.  Simeon  preached 
to  them  in  the  evening.  There  was  the  utmost  atten- 
tion, and  one  of  the  officers  was  in  tears.  I  have  gene- 
rally lived  on  board  since  my  arrival,  and  find  my  cabin 
as  comfortable  as  my  room  in  college,  but  my  numerous 
friends  here  from  Cambridge  and  London  are  conti- 
nually bringing  me  ashore.  I  am  through  mercy  very 
weU,  but  on  the  road  down  as  I  was  undressing  at  night 
I  fainted,  fell  into  convulsions  and  lost  my  senses.  The 
fit  did  not  last  long ;  it  was  brought  on  probably  by 
fatigue  of  mind  and  body.  But  how  frail  is  my  life. 
I  thought  then  that  I  was  dying,  but  it  pleases  God  to 
uphold  me  from  day  to  day.  May  he  also  give  me 
grace  to  devote  myself  anew  to  his  service.  God  bless 
you,  my  beloved  friends,  remember  me  sometimes  in 
your  prayers. 

I  remain  now  as  ever,  affectionately  yours, 

H.  Martyn. 

16,  The  Commodore  called  at  the  inn  to  desire  that 
all  persons  might  be  awaked,  as  the  fleet  would  sail 
to-day,  in  consequence  of  which  we  went  immediately 
after  breakfast  to  the  quay,  to  go  aboard  in  the  purser's 
boat ;  but  after  waiting  five  hours,  Mr.  Simeon  took 
his  last  leave  of  me  in  the  most  affecting  manner,  and 
the  rest  accompanied  me  on  board.  My  thoughts,  as  we 
rowed,  were  solemn,  the  levity  of  the  people  in  the  boat, 
and  the  swearing,  (for  others  besides  ourselves  were  in  it,) 


1805]  JOURNAL.  275 

depressed  tne  ;  but  the  thought  that  the  Lord  Jesus  was 
a  friend  with  whom  I  could  enjoy  communion  in  every 
company  was  like  a  reviving  cordial.  My  dear  friends, 
after  staying  on  board  a  few  hours  took  their  leave,  not 

as  if  for  the  last  time,  except ,  whose  conversa* 

tion  at  the  last  was  not  such  as  I  wished  it  to  be.  The 
Lord  help  him  to  have  right  views  of  that  truth  he  is 
seeking. 

17.  Early  in  the  morning  I  was  awakened  by  the 
signal  gun  from  the  commander  of  the  convoy.  Captain 
Byng,  and  found  when  I  got  up  that  we  had  weighed 
anchor  from  St.  Helen's,  and  were  now  at  the  bade  of 
the  Isle  of  Wight;  so  I  had  bid  adieu  to  my  dear 
friends  for  the  last  time.  Most  of  the  rest  of  the  day 
I  was  so  sick  that  I  could  neither  read  nor  take  any 
exercise,  but  I  found  comfort  in  fleeing  to  my  only 
friend,  now  all  others  had  left  me ;  the  Lord  was  very 
merciful  to  me  in  keeping  my  soul  when  I  was  so  little 
able  to  use  the  means. 

18.  Rose  still  troubled  witlv  sickness ;  was  obliged  to 
pass  the  morning  in  the  poop,  able  neither  to  walk  nor 
read,  but  towards  the  middle  of  the  day  grew  better.  The 
weather  was  exceedingly  fine.  As  we  came  off  Plymouth 
to-day,  I  wished  to  pray  for  my  dear  cousins  there, 
but  could  not  venture  to  go  to  my  cabin.  However, 
after  dinner  read  several  chapters,  and  had  a  blessed 
season  of  prayer,  in  which  I  had  something  more  of  the 
presence  of  God  than  for  a  good  while  past.  But  I 
found  it  hard  to  realize  divine  things.  I  was  more 
tried  with  desires  after  the  world,  than  for  two  years 
past.  The  coast  of  Devonshire  and  Cornwall  was  pass- 
ing before  me.  The  memory  of  the  beloved  friends 
there  was  very  strong  and  affecting ;.  the  sea-sickness, 
and  the  smell  of  the  ship,  made  me  feel  very  miserable, 
and  the  prospect  of  leaving  all  the  comforts  and  com^ 
munion  of  saints  in  England,  and  to  go  forth  to  an 
unknown  land,  to  endure  such  illness  and  misery  with 
ungodly  men  for  so  many  months,  weighed  heavy  on  my 
spirits.  My  heart  was  almost  ready  to  break.    I  thought 

T  2 


276  JOURNAL.  [1805 

I  was  the  most  forlorn  and  forsaken  creature  upon 
earth,  excluded  from  all  hopes  of  happiness  on  this  side 
the  grave,  so  atheistical  and  blind  was  I.  In  prayer  for 
some  time  I  could  not  realize  the  same  sort  of  thoughts 
I  had  when  ashore,  things  appeared  different.  No  sweet 
thoughts  of  the  near  approach  of  eternity  and  the  pre- 
sence of  God ;  no  animating  prospect  of  a  work  of  grace 
among  the  heathen ;  but  human  life  seemed  only  a  suc- 
cession of  miseries.  By  continual  prayer  with  the  word 
of  Grod,  my  spirit  became  more  serious  and  fervent.  The 
example  of  Jesus  and  the  saints,  the  vanity  of  the 
enjoyments  which  the  children  of  God  have  even  in 
England,  and  the  melancholy  state  of  the  heathen,  were 
the  most  powerful  motives  that  suggested  themselves. 
Was  grieved  to  hear  the  captain  swear :  the  surgeon  I 
found  by  conversation  to  be  a  sort  of  religious  man. 
Had  some  serious  conversation  with  one  of  the  cad^, 
and  afterwards  in  the  cabin.  A  cutter  from  Cowes 
came  alongside,  and  brought  Mr.  Simeon's  present  of 
Bibles  and  other  things.  • 

19.  In  prayer  after  breakfast,  my  soul  gained  some- 
thing in  spirituality.  Little  done  this  morning,  and 
partly  on  account  of  the  interest  with  which  I  watched 
the  shore,  as  it  appeared  more  and  more.  Cam- 
math  first  caught  my  eye,  and  led  me  to  think  of 
my  dear  sister  particularly  ;  then  the  Lizard.  As  we 
were  at  dinner,  the  ship  came  round  St.  Anthony's, 
and  soon  after  we  came  to  anchor  off  Falmouth. 
The  Diana  coming  in  soon  after,  ran  aground,  and 
hoisted  the  union  midway  up  the  main  mast,  as  a 
signal  of  distress.  Three  others  also  of  our  ships  ran 
aground,  but  got  off ;  one  ran  foul  of  the  Commodore, 
and  carried  away  his  jib-boom.  In  the  midst  of  all  this 
we  were  mercifully  preserved ;  but  our  captain,  to  my 
great  grief,  swore  repeatedly  on  account  of  the  great 
danger  of  bringing  so  many  ships  to  so  small  a  place. 
I  was  affected  almost  to  tears,  at  being  so  disappointed 
in  him,  but  did  not  think  it  expedient  in  the  hurry  to 
tell  him  of  it.     May  God  convince  him  of  his  sin  when 


1805]  JOURNAL.  277 

I  shall  speak  to  him,  or  before.  Passed  the  afternoon 
writing  to  all  my  friends  round  about,  desiring  them  to 
come  and  see  me.  I  seemed  to  be  entirely  at  home, 
the  scene  about  me  was  so  familiar,  and  my  friends  so 
near.  I  was  rather  flurried  at  the  singularity  of  this 
providence  of  God,  in  thus  leading  me  once  more  to  the 
bosom  of  all  my  friends :  may  the  Lord  glorify  himself 
in  this  and  eveiy  other  dispensation  ;  found  myself  after 
tea  in  a  happy  frame  of  mind.  For  the  first  time  I  had 
forgot  health,  and  ease  of  body,  since  I  have  been  at 
sea.  I  walked  on  deck,  endeavouring  to  think  on  these 
words,  **  To  me  to  live  is  Christ,"  and  found  my  mind 
easily  fixing  on  heavenly  things,  notwithstanding  all  the 
noise  and  conftision.  The  evening  is  a  time  of  great 
idleness  and  noise  on  board,  all  are  talking  and  laugh- 
ing. The  soldiers  doing  nothing  but  jeering  one  ano- 
ther, and  swearing.  The  passengers  lounging  about, 
or  sitting  on  chairs  under  the  poop,  the  drums  and  fifes 
constandy  playing.  Mr.  Kearie  joined  me,  so  that  I 
had  not  long  to  meditate,  but  endeavoured  to  assist  him 
to  the  best  of  my  power  in  his  Christian  course.  My 
ears  are  constantly  assailed  and  shocked  by  the  most 
horrid  oaths,  and  I  see  no  method  of  putting  a  stop  to 
it,  except  by  perseverance  and  preaching  the  gospel  to 
them.  Outward  restrictions  would  do  little  if  they 
could  be  applied  ;  but  as  the  captain  and  the  command- 
ing officers  on  board  sanction  it  by  their  own  example, 
no  attempt  can  be  made  in  that  way  ;  the  Lord  give  me 
compassion  for  their  souls. 

20.  Read  some  of  Whitfield's  Journal,  and  found 
it  a  greater  spur  than  any  I  have  received  a  long 
time.  A  young  man  only  twenty-three  preaching  the 
gospel  to  crowded  congregations  in  London,  and  then 
going  to  Georgia.  I  have  thought  with  exceeding  ten- 
derness of  Lydia  to-day ;  how  I  long  to  see  her,  but  if  it 
it  be  the  Lord's  will,  he  will,  open  a  way.  I  shall  not 
take  any  steps  to  produce  a  meeting.  Was  sensible 
of  an  instance  of  pride  to-day,  in  being  ashamed  of 
being  seen  by  the  ship's  passengers,  in  company  with 


278  LBTTEB.  [1805 

one  of  the  children  of  God,  who  appeared  a  mean  per- 
son ;  but  there  is  nothing  too  contemptible  for  me  to 
conceive  in  my  heart.  May  I  be  humbled  on  account 
of  this  sin. 

Fcdmouth,  July  20,  1805. 
My  dbar  Cousin, 

We  sailed  from  St.  Helen's  at  day-break  last 
Wednesday  morning,  and  to  my  no  small  surprise,  I 
found  we  were  bound  to  Falmouth.  After  a  pleasant 
passage  down  the  channel,  we  came  to  in  this  harbour 
yesterday  evening,  and  are  ordered  to  continue  till 
accounts  shall  be  received  of  the  combined  fleets. 
You  will  easily  conceive  my  feelings  at  being  thus 
brought  once  again  to  my  friends  ;  what  the  design  of 
God  is  in  this  providence,  I  am  at  a  loss  to.  understand. 
May  it  be  for  the  mutual  establishment  and  comfort 
both  of  them  and  me.  *  *  #  On  passing 
Plymouth,  we  were  too  far  from  the  shore  to  distinguish 
the  houses.  I  tried  my  spy-^glass  in  vain,  it  would  not 
bring  you  nearer,  but  my  heart  was  with  you,  and  I 
retired  to  my  cabin  to  pray  for  you  both.  *  *  * 
You  will  have  time  now,  I  think,  to  send  me  a  letter, 
and  I  need  not  assure  you  how  acceptable  it  will  be.  I 
have  sent  a  short  letter  to  my  cousin  at  Marazion. 
How  happy  should  I  be  if  she  should  be  able  to  come 
part  of  the  way  to  Falmouth  to  see  me.  But  I  pray 
that  my  heart  may  not  again  rove  in  pursuit  of  earthly 
comfort,  and  so  subject  me  to  new  affliction. 

I  remain,  &c. 

21.  (Thursday.)  Had  some  fervour  this  morning 
in  praying  for  zeal :  on  account  of  the  rain,  the  captain 
said  it  was  inconvenient  to  have  divine  service  in  the 
morning,  so  I  went  ashore  as  soon  as  I  could,  and 
arrived  just  in  time  to  hear  the  latter  part^f  the  sermon, 
**  On  the  excellency  and  knowledge  of  Christ  Jesus  our 
Iiord."  In  the  afternoon  I  preached  at  Falmouth 
church,  on  the  jailor ;  the  Lord  assisted  me  beyond  all 


1806]  JOURNAL.  279 

my  fears.  Immediately  after,  I  went  on  board,  and 
preached  on-  '*  The  faithful  saying/^  with  more  love  in 
my  heart,  than  I  ever  yet  enjoyed  in  preaching.  The 
general  attention  was  ver}'  striking.  Most  of  the  cadets 
and  officers  went  on  shore.  Lent  some  of  the  tracts 
to-day,  and  one  Testament.  God  has  been  exceedingly 
gracious  and  merciful  to  me  this  day.  Oh,  may  I  be 
more  thankful,  and  devote  myself  more  unreservedly  to 
his  blessed  service.  I  am  still  thinking  with  exceeding 
tenderness  of  Lydia,  and  have  been  strongly  induced  to 
go  to  her,  but  I  dare  not ;  let  the  Lord  open  the  way, 
if  it  is  his  will. 

22.  Another  idle  day ;  oh,  how  great  is  the  sum  of 
my  mis-spent  hours,  when  eveiy  moment  ought  to  be 
charged  with  important  work.  After  much  deliberation, 
and  waiting  till  the  evening  mail  came  in,  and  calling 
on  the  Commodore,  I  determined  to  go  to  Marazion  on 
the  morrow.  Went  to  bed  with  much  thought  about 
the  step  I  was  going  to  take,  and  prayed  that  if  it  was 
not  the  will  of  God  it  might  be  prevented.  Early  on 
the  25th  went  in  the  mail  to  Marazion ;  all  the  way  I 
was  speaking  to  the  two  coachmen,  and  thought  they 
were  much  affected.  I  arrived  at  Marazion  in  time  for 
breakfast,  and  met  my  beloved  Lydia.  In  the  course  of 
the  morning  I  walked  with  her,  though  not  uninterrupt* 
edly  ;  with  much  confusion  I  declared  my  affection  for 
her,  with  the  intention  of  learning  whether,  if  ever  I 
saw  it  right  in  India  to  be  married,  she  would  come  out; 
but  she  would  not  declare  her  sentiments,  she  said  that 
the  shortness  of  arrangement  was  an  obstacle,  even  if 
all  others  were  removed.  In  great  tumult  I  walked  up 
to  St.  Hilary,  whence,  after  dining,  I  returned  to  Mr. 
Grenfell's,  but  on  account  of  the  number  of  persons 
there,  I  had  not  an  opportunity  of  being  alone  with 
Lydia.  Went  back  to  Fdmouth  with  G.  I  was  more 
disposed  to  talk  of  Lydia  all  the  way,  but  roused  myself 
to  a  sense  of  my  duty,  and  addressed  him  on  the  subject 
of  religion.  The  next  day  I  was  exceedingly  melan- 
choly  at  what  had   taken  place  between  Lydia  and 


280  LETTER.  [1805 

myself,  and  at  the  thought  of  being  separated  from  her. 
I  could  not  bring  myself  to  believe  that  God  had  settled 
the  whole  matter,  because  I  was  not  willing  to  believe  it. 
The  day  after  being  Saturday,  I  was  employed  diligently 
in  preparing  for  to-morrow,  and  my  mind  was  less  the 
subject  of  distracting  thoughts. 

To  Miss  Lydia  Grbnfell,.  Marazion. 

J\dy  27,  1805.     Umon^  Falmouth  Harbour. 

*  *  *  As  I  was  coming  on  board  this 
morning,  and  reading  Mr.  Serle's  Hymn  you  wrote  out 
for  me,  a  sudden  gust  of  wind  blew  it  into  the  sea.  I 
made  the  boatmen  immediately  heave  to,  and  recovered 
it,  happily  without  any  injury  except  what  it  had  received 
from  the  sea.  I  should  have  told  you  that  the  Morning 
Hymn,  which  I  always  kept  carefully  in  my  pocket-book, 
was  one  day  stolen  with  it,  and  other  valuable  letters, 
from  my  rooms  in  college.  It  would  be  extremely 
gratifying  to  me  to  possess  another  copy  of  it,  as  it 
always  reminded  me  most  forcibly  of  the  happy  day,  on 
which  we  visited  the  aged .  saint.  The  fleet,  it  is  said, 
will  not  sail  for  three  weeks,  but  if  you  are  willing  to 
employ  any  of  your  time  in  providing  me  with  this  or 
any  other  MS.  hymns,  the  sooner  you  write  them,  the 
more  certain  I  shall  be  of  receiving  them.  Pardon  me 
for  thus  intruding  on  your  time ;  you  will  in  no  wise  lose 
your  reward.  The  encoiuragement  conveyed  in  little 
compositions  of  this  sort  is  more  refreshing  than  a  cup 
of  cold  water.  The  Lord  of  the  harvest  vrho  is  sending 
forth  me,  who  am  most  truly  less  than  the  least  of  aU 
saints,  will  reward  you  for  being  willing  to  help  forward 
even  the  meanest  of  his  servants.  The  love  which  you 
bear  to  the  cause  of  Christ,  as  well  as  motives  of  pri- 
vate friendship,  will,  I  trust,  induce  you  to  commend 
me  to  God,  and  to  the  word  of  his  grace,  at  those  sacred 
moments  when  you  approach  the  throne  of  oiu*  covenant 
God.     To  his  gracious  care  I  commend  you.     May  you 


1805]  JOURNAL.  281 

long  live  happy  and  holy,  dafly  growing  more  meet  for 
the  inheritance  of  the  saints  in  light.  I  remain  with 
affectionate  regard, 

Your's  most  truly, 

H.  Martyn. 

28.  (Sunday.)  Preached  in  the  morning,  on  board, 
on  John  iii.  3.  In  the  afternoon  at  Falmouth  church, 
on  1  Cor.  i.  20—26. 

29.  My  gloom  returned.  .  Walked  to  Lamorran ; 
alternately  repining  at  my  dispensation,  and  giving  it  up 
to  the  Lord.  Sometimes,  after  thinking  of  Lydia  for  a 
long  time  together,  so  as  to  feel  almost  outrageous  at 
being  deprived  of  her,  my  soul  would  feel  its  guilt  and 
flee  again  to  God.  I  was  much  relieved  at  intervals  by 
learning  the  hymn,  *  The  God  of  Abram  praise.' 

To  Mrs.  H . 

The  consequence  of  my  Marazion  journey  is,  that  I 
am  enveloped  in  gloom ;  but  past  experience  assures  me 
it  will  be  removed.  I  have  taken  every  step  that  I  con- 
ceive right,  and  now  I  leave  the  whole  matter  with  the 
Lord.  May  he  give  me  grace  to  turn  cheerfully  to  my 
proper  work  and  business,  in  respect  of  which  all  others 
sink  into  comparative  insignificance.  If  she  would 
prove  a  real  blessing,  it  is  not  for  me  to  complain  of 
God,  or  of  her,  that  she  is  withheld.  #  ♦  ♦ 
With  the  assurance  of  his  love,  I  know  that  all  things 
work  together  for  good,  and  with  this  I  may  be  satisfied  ; 
yet  nature  moiurns,  restless  at  being  contradicted. 
Another  consequence  of  my  journey  is,  that  I  love  Lydia 
more  than  ever. 

.  30.  Dined  at  Mr.  H 's,  and  walked  in  the  even- 
ing with  his  daughters.  Then  visited  a  sick  man,  and 
prayed  with  him.  Waited  afterwards,  in  great  fatigue 
of  body,  and  almost  stupid  with  agitation  of  mind,  ex- 
pecting to  go  on  board  for  the  last  time  i  but  no  boat 


282  JOURNAL.  [1805 

coming,  I  went  back  to  Mr.  R.'s,  about  midaight,  and 
slept  a  little ;  the  prayer  at  night  was  a  little  relief. 
I  lay  down  in  the  enjoyment  of  the  consolations  of 
Jesus,  but  rose  very  early  at  the  sound  of  the  signal 
guns,  as  miserable  as  ever. 

3 1 .  Went  on  board  this  morning  ip  extreme  anguish. 
I  could  not  help  saying,  Lord,  it  is  not  a  sinful  attach- 
ment in  itself,  and  therefore  I  may  conmiune  more  freely 
with  thee  about  it.  I  sought  for  hymns  stdtable  to  my 
case,  but  none  did  sufficiently  ;  most  complained  of 
spiritual  distress,  but  mine  was  not  from  any  doubt  of 
God's  favour,  for  I  felt  no  doubt  of  that ;  but  in  the 
afternoon,  it  pleased  Grod  to  give  me  a  holy  and  blessed 
season  in  prayer,  in  which  my  soul  recovered  much  of 
its  wonted  peace,  and  began  to  turn  with  more  relish 
to  spiritual  things.  In  the  afternoon  went  ashore  in  the 
hopes  of  finding  a  letter,  but  there  was  none,  nor  did  I 
see  any  of  my  friends.  Left  England  as  I  suppose  for 
the  last  time,  with  somewhat  less  horror  than  in  the 
morning,  but  still  not  without  much  grief.  Prayer, 
again,  was  a  rich  and  comfortable  ordinance,  still  my 
heart  is  sore  and  in  pain. 

Aug.  1 .  Rose  in  great  anguish  of  mind,  but  prayer 
relieved  me  a  little.  The  wind  continuing  foul,  I  went 
ashore  after  breakfast ;  but  before  this,  sat  down  to 
write  to  Lydia,  hoping  to  relieve  the  burden  of  my 
mind.  I  wrote  in  great  turbulence,  but  in  a  little  time 
my  tumult  unaccountably  subsided,  and  I  enjoyed  a 
peace  to  which  I  have  been  for  some  time  a  stranger. 
I  felt  exceedingly  willing  to  leave  her,  and  to  go  on  my 
way  rejoicing.  I  could  not  account  for  this  except  by 
ascribing  it  to  the  gracious  influence  of  God.  The  first 
few  Psalms  were  exceedingly  comfortable  to  me.  Re- 
ceived a  letter  this  evening  from  E ,  and  received  it 

as  from  God ;  I  was  animated  before,  but  this  added 
tenfold  encouragement.  She  warned  me,  from  experi- 
ence, of  the  carefulness  it  would  bring  upon  me ;  but 
spoke  with  such  sympathy  and  tenderness,  that  my 
heart  was  quite  refreshed.     I  bowed  my  knees  to  bless 


1805]  JOURNAL.  283 

and  adore  God  for  it,  and  devoted  myself  anew  to  his 
beloved  service.  Went  on  board  at  night,  the  sea  ran 
high,  but  I  felt  a  sweet  tranquillity  in  Him  who  stilleth 
the  raging  of  the  sea.  I  was  delighted  to  find  that  the 
Lascars  understood  me  perfectly  when' I  spoke  to  them 
a  sentence  or  two  in  Hindoostanee.  I  asked  them  if  they 
knew  who  Jesus  Christ  was  ?  They  said,  No.  I  told 
them  he  came  into  the  world  to  save  sinners:  they 
smiled  among  one  another,  saying,  Neha,  neha, — ^well, 
well. 

2.  Continued  on  board  all  day,  expecting  to  sail 
every  hour.  Unbelieving  and  dejected  at  rising ;  but 
obtained  refreshment  by  prayer.  My  soul,  though  a 
little  sorrowful,  yet  was  impressed  with  holy  solemnity, 
w^hile  walking  up  and  down  the  poop,  repeating  hymns. 
Talked  a  good  deal  to  the  sentry  diere.  In  the  afternoon, 
read  Edwards's  Sermons,  learnt  Hindoostanee  roots, 
and  tried  to  converse  a  little  with  the  Lascars.  Talked  a 

great  deal  with  Ensign  B ,  and  Major  D ,  on 

religion,  the  former  seems  exceedingly  opposed,  the 
latter  very  different.  My  time  passes  happily  with 
God ;  I  have  no  other  companion. 

3.  Rose  with  rather  greater  tranquillity,  but  my  feel- 
ings before  prayer  are  a  striking  evidence  to  myself  of 
my  natural  corruption.  How  miserable  and  restless 
should  I  be  without  the  powerful  Spirit  of  God  restoring 
and  encouraging  me.  Lost  much  time  by  being  called 
out  incessandy  by  the  various  signals  and  reports  about 
sailing.  Endeavoured  to  pass  my  time  at  intervals  in 
reading  and  prayer.  After  a  signal  made  by  the  Com* 
modore  for  all  the  Captains  to  come  on  board  of  him, 
we  learnt  that  we  were  to  wait  the  motions  of  the 
Brest  fleet,  as  we  might  be  of  use  in  assisting  against 
them.  In  conseguence  every  man's  station  was  ap- 
pointed in  case  of  battle ;  mine  is  with  the  surgeons  in 
the  cockpit.  I  feel  so  indifferent  whether  death  or  life 
awaits  me,  that  I  have  no  fear  at  being  exposed  upon 
deck.  One  of  the  soldiers  asked  me  this  morning  for  a 
book,  and  I  gave  him  a  Testament,  several  tracts,  and 


284  JOURNAL.  [1805 

a  hymn-book,  and  a  book  of  prayers.  Gave  the  Cap- 
tain a  tract  on  swearing ;  had  a  long  conversation  with  a 
company's  siu*geon  on  the  Madras  establishment,  who 
said  he  committed  no  sin  at  all.  Continued  to  have 
happy  seasons  of  prayer,  especially  after  every  meal.  A 
soldier,  to-day,  fcdl  down  the  fore  hatch-way,  and  was  let 
blood  ;  he  was  too  ill  to  be  spoken  to,  but  by  going  to 
see  him,  I  had  an  opportunity  of  being  amongst  the 
women,  and  found  I  should  be  easily  able  to  read  to 
them,  without  being  disturbed,  as  they  were  about  the 
middle  of  the  ship,  directly  under  the  main  hatch-way. 
B.  put  a  letter  into  my  hand  written  by  himself,  des- 
cribing with  much  simple  propriety,  his  spiritual  cir- 
cumstances, of  which  he  could  find  no  opportunity  of 
speaking  immediately  to  me,  on  account  of  the  crowded 
state  of  the  ship.  Walked  on  the  poop  this  evening, 
enjoying  the  serenity  of  the  weather  ;  heard  the  carpen- 
ter's mate  complaining  he  had  never  yet  known  what  it 
was  to  be  happy.  I  pointed  out  to  him  the  path  of  life, 
in  which  he  would  soon  be  happy  ;  I  told  him,  moreover, 
that  I  should  wish  to  talk  with  him  more  hereafter  upon 
the  subject,  of  which  he  said  he  should  be  glad.  The 
attention  of  the  ship  seems  all  alive  at  the  unexpected 
prospect  of  being  engaged  in  battle,  but  I  felt  veiy  little 
concerned  indeed.  In  the  midst  of  the  bustle,  I  found 
a  sort  of  melancholy  pleasure  in  repeating  the  hymn, 
*  The  God  of  Abram  praise,'  &c.  Heard  that  B. 
generally  began  to  swear  after  divine  service,  at  my 
keeping  them  so  long.  I  have  scarcely  seen  one  more 
determinately  set  against  all  holiness.  Yet  even  this 
mairmay  be  the  first  to  melt  when  God  puts  forth  his 
hand.  At  night,  after  supper,  at  which  I  was  not  per- 
sent,  they  began  to  sing  songs,  to  my  no  small  annoy^ 
ance.  Their  mistaken  efforts  after  happiness  excited  my 
compassion  in  a  little  degree  :  but  I  want  more  zeal 
and  love  to  souls.  In  every  prayer  I  see  occasion  to  cry 
to  God  to  rouse  me  to  earnestness  and  fervour.  The 
example  of  Whitfield  has  been  made  of  great  use  to  me 
in  this  respect.     I  waat,  when  I  walk  the  deck,  to  have 


1805]  JOURNAL.  285 

my  heart  melted  at  the  sight  of  ao  many  poor  sheep  all 
going  astray. 

4.  (Sunday.)  Very  heavy.  Preached  on  2  Cor.  v. 
20,  21.  with  more  life  than  I  expected.  I  waited  on 
board  the  rest  of  the  day,  to  be  at  hand  if  there  should 
be  evening  service ;  but  towards  night  it  blew  a  heavy 
squall  to  the  south,  attended  with  rain.  I  was  in  great 
dejection,  but  the  2nd  of  Micah  was  much  blest  to  me. 
I  rejoiced  with  great  joy  at  the  prospect  of  the  future 
happiness  and  peace  of  the  church ; — I  shall  never  see  it 
upon  earth.  But  if  it  shall  take  place  here  ! — much  more 
in  heaven.  From  the  violence  of  the  gale  every  part  of 
the  ship  was  in  confusion,  by  their  using  the  necessary 
precautions,  so  that  I  went  below  to  the  soldiers'  berths, 
in  hopes  of  being  able  to  read  to  them, — ^I  found  it  im- 
possible. Conversed  with  Corporal  B.  The  poor  man 
was  in  very  low  spirits ;  but  I  tried  to  revive  him,  and 
by  so  doing  refreshed  myself.  We  stood  together  at  the 
main  hatchway  looking  wistfully  at  the  raging  sea,  and 
sighed  at  thinking  of  the  happy  societies  of  God's  peo- 
ple, who  were  now  joining  in  sweet  communion  together, 
in  public  worship.  The  ship  is  a  melancholy  sight  on 
the  Sabbath.  They  read  all  manner  of  things  on  deck 
immediately  before  service ;  and  directly  after  turn  to  the 
same  sort  of  employment.  I  am  in  some  hopes  that 
swearing  does  not  abound  quite  so  much. 

5.  For  want  of  sleep  in  the  night,  rose  unrefreshed. 
Very  dull  in  prayer  for  a  time,  but  by  taking  the  Bible 
itself  before  me,  my  soul  was  enabled  to  spread  its  wants 
more  freely.  Went  ashore.  Walked  to  Pendennis 
garrison  ;  enjoyed  some  happy  reflections  as  I  sat  on  one 
of  the  ramparts  looking  at  the  ships  and  sea.  But  could 
not  help  feeling  my  own  depravity,  that  with  so  much 
to  call  forth  continual  praise  and  prayer,  I  should  forget 
God  so  easily,  and  be  so  slowly  induced  to  seek  after 
him.  The  Lascars,  who  brought  us  ashore,  seemed  so 
interesting  in  their  countenances  and  manner,  that  I 
longed  to  know  the  language,  so  as  to  preach  the  gos- 
pel to  them,  and  looked  forward  with  great  pleasure  to 


286  LETTER.  [1805 

living  among  them.     Dined  at ,  and  after  dinner, 

enjoyed  nearness  to  God  in  prayer.     Called  afterwards 
on  Miss  D.  an  aged  saint,  and  then  went  on  board. 


FcUmmth,  Aug.  5,  1805. 
My  dear  Brother, 
.  After  the  many  farewels  you  have  received  from  me, 
you  are  surprised,  though  not,  I  am  willing  to  hope, 
displeased,  at  hearing  once  more  from  me.  Immediately 
after  my  last  letter  I  went  on  board,  supposing  that  by 
this  time  we  should  be  many  leagues  at  sea ;  but  the 
wind  veered,  and  blew  strong  from  the  S.  and  S.  W. 
the  whole  week  till  Saturday,  when  the  Commodore,  in 
consequence  of  an  express  he  had  received,  sent  for  all 
the  Captains  in  the  fleet,  to  inform  them  that  government 
wished  to  muster  all  the  effective  force  in  the  channel, 
to  oppose  the  Brest  fleet,  which  it  -was  supposed  would 
be  soon  out.  The  delay  occasioned  by  this  new  order  is 
unlimited,  and  occasions  much  discontent  in  the  fleet ; 
but  I  find  continual  satisfaction  in  recurring  ta  the  first 
Great  Cause  of  all  these  events — only  I  sometimes  doubt 
whether  it  is  ever  destined  for  me  to  visit  the  shores  of 
India.  The  belief  generally  prevails  amongst  us  that 
the  troops  on  board  are  intended  to  co-operate  in  taking 
the  Cape  of  Good  Hope ;  and  that  we  are  to  wait  off 
Ireland  to  join  another  fleet.  These  reports  have  set 
the  minds  of  our  young  men  afloat ;  and  I  cannot  walk 
the  deck  without  interfering  with  knots  of  consulting 
politicians  ;  my  own  mind  is  not  much  disturbed  with 
speculation  on  human  events  at  this  time.  I  find  the 
words  of  that  hymn  which  I  have  met  with  in  your  little 
book  far  more  in  unison  with  my  feelings, 

<  From  earth  I  rise. 
And  seek  the  joys 
•  At  his  right  hand : 

I  all  on  earth  forsake ; 
Its  wisdom,  fame  and  power, 
And  Him  my  only  portion  make. 
My  shield  and  tower.' 


1805]  JOURNAL.  28.7 

I  have  little  expectation  of  finding  a  letter  from  Stoke 
to-night,  though  wishes  often  hecome  expectations.  I 
am  afraid  of  troubling  you  by  requesting  such  frequent 
letters  from  you  both,  but  the  opportunities  will  spon 
cease.  I  never  forget  to  remember  you  twice  a  day  in 
my  prayers.  Do  you  kindly  continue  your  occasional 
intercessions  for  your  unworthy  brother  and  fellow* 
labourer  in  the  gospel. 

I  remain  with  affectionate  regard, 

Your's  in  our  blessed  Lord, 

H:  Martyn. 

6  to  10.  I  am  now  at  sea  in  a  melancholy  state  of 
body  and  mind.  The  6th  I  passed  on  shore  writing 
letters.  Meeting  with  Mr.  T.  I  walked  with  him» 
and  endeavoured  to  explain  the  system  of  divine  truth. 
Dined  at  Mr.  H.'s.  My  mind  was  in  general  in  a 
very  cold  state,  indisposed  for  spiritual  conversation. 
In  the  evening  the  whole  family  walked.  I  was  in  the 
walk  a  little  elevated  in  my  thoughts,  and  as  I  stood  on 
the  shore  near  the  Swan-pool,  looked  forward  with  de- 
light to  passing  the  great  deep  for  the  sake  of  the  poor 
heathen.  7th,  Preached  at  Falmouth  church  on  Psalm  iii. 
1 .  with  much  comfort ;  after  church  set  off  to  walk  to  St. 
Hilary.  Reached  Hilaton  in  three  hours  in  extraordi* 
nary  spirits.  The  joy  of  my  soul  was  very  great.  Every 
object  around  me  called  forth  praise  and  gratitude  to 
God.  Perhaps  it  might  have  been  joy  at  the  prospect 
of  seeing  Lydia,  but  I  asked  myself  at  the  time,  whether 
out  of  love  to  God,  I  was  willing  to  turn  back  and 
see  her  no  more.  I  persuaded  myself  that  I  could. 
But  perhaps  had  I  been  put  to  the  trial,  it  would 
have  been   otherwise.     I  arrived   safe   at   St.    Hilary, 

and  passed    the  evening  agreeably  with  R .     8th. 

Enjoyed  much  of  the  presence  of  God  in  morn- 
ing prayer.  The  morning  passed  profitably  in  writing 
on  Heb.  ii.  3.  My.  soul  seemed  to  breathe  seriously 
after  God.  Walked  down  with  R.  to  Gurlyn  to  call  on 
Lydia.     She  was  not  at  home  when  we  called,  so  I 


288  JOURNAL.  [1805 

walked  out  to  meet  her.  When  I  met  her  coming  up 
the  hill,  I  was  almost  induced  to  believe  her  more  in* 
terested  about  me  than  I  had  conceived.  Went  away 
in  Jhe  expectation  of  visiting  her  frequently,  but  on  our 
return  to  St.  Hilary,  I  found  an  express  for  me  from 
Falmouth,  with  notice  that  orders  had  arrived  for  the 
fleet's  sailing.  So  I  returned  in  the  mail  to  Falmouth, 
in  no  small  disappointment ;  and  yet  much  pleased  and 
satisfied  with  the  discovery  which  I  thought  I  had 
made  this  morning.  My  mind  was  so  full  of  it,  that 
I  made  no  effort  to  speak  to  the  coachman  and 
others  on  divine  things ;  what  I  said  was  to  little 
purpose.  I  thought  at  the  time,  it  was  the  last  oppor- 
tunity I  should  ever  have  with  diem,  and  yet  I  could 
not  overcome  my  reluctance  to  speak.  O  may  I  trem- 
ble for  the  future  to  indulge  such  sinful  neglects* 
9th.  Found  this  morning,  that  orders  had  been  re- 
ceived last  night  for  the  detention  of  the  fleet,  on 
account  of  the  Rochefort  squadrons  being  out.  In 
consequence  of  which,  I  set  off  again  for  St.  Hilary, 
though  not  without  some  hesitation.  Walked  to  Pol- 
kerris,  in  the  rain,  about  eight  miles,  with  my  mind 
very  uneasy,  lest  I  was  not  in  the  way  of  duty.  Met 
with  a  blind  old  man  standing  under  a  tree,  with  whom 
I  had  a  very  interesting  conversation.  I  was  quite 
melted  into  tears  at  finding  such  a  subject  of  the  Spirit 
of  God  in  such  a  wilderness ;  at  Polkerris  I  waited  for 
R.  from  St.  Hilary,  in  a  house,  and  had  much  spiritual 
conversation  with  the  old  people.  Rode  on  Richard's 
horse  to  St.  Hilary ;  called  on  my  way  at  Gurlyn.  My 
mind  not  in  peace  ;  at  night  in  prayer,  my  soul  was 
much  overwhelmed  with  fear,  which  caused  me  to  ap- 
proach God  in  fervent  petition,  that  he  would  make  me 
perfectly  upright,  and  my  walk  consistent  with  the  high 
character  I  am  called  to  assume. 

10.  Rose  very  early,  with  uneasiness  increased  by 
.seeing  the  wind  northerly ;  walked  away  at  seven  to 
Gatzyn,  feeling  little  or  no  pleasure  at  the  thought  of 
seeing  Lydia ,  apprehension  about  the  sailing  of  the  fleets 


1805]  JOURNAL.  289 

made  me  dreadfully  uneasy  ;  was  with  Lydia  a  short 
time  before  breakfast ;  afterwards  I  read  the  10th  Psalm, 
with  Home's  Commentary,  to  her  and  her  mother ;  she 
was  then  just  putting  into  my  hand  the  10th  of  Genesis  to 
read,  when  a  servant  came  in,  and  said  a  horse  was 
come  for  me  from  St.  Hilary,  where  a  carriage  was 
waiting  to  convey  me  to  Falmouth.  All  my  painful 
presentiments  were  thus  realized,  and  it  came  upon  me 
like  a  thunderbolt.  Lydia  was  evidently  painfully 
affected  by  it,  she  came  out,  that  we  might  be  alone  at 
taking  leave,  and  I  then  told  her,  that  if  it  should 
appear  to  be  God's  will  that  I  should  be  married,  she 
must  not  be  offended  at  receiving  a  letter  from  me.  In 
the  great  hurry  she  discovered  more  of  her  mind  than 
she  intended ;  she  made  no  objection  whatever  to  coming 
out.  Thinking,  perhaps,  I  wished  to  make  an  engage- 
ment with  her,  she  said  we  had  better  go  quite  free ; 
with  this  I  left  her,  not  knowing  yet  for  what  purpose  I 
have  been  permitted,  by  an  unexpected  providence,  to 
enjoy  these  interviews.  I  galloped  back  to  St.  Hilary, 
and  instantly  got  into  a  chaise  with  Mr.  R.  who  had 
been  awaked  by  the  signal  gun  at  five  in  the  morning, 
and  had  come  for  me.  At  Hildon  I  got  a  horse,  wi5i 
which  I  rode  to  Falmouth,  meeting  on  the  road  another 

express  sent  after  me  by  R .  I  atrived  about  twelve, 

and  instantly  went  on  board  ;  almost  all  the  other  ships 
were  under  weigh,  but  the  Union  had  got  entangled  in 
the  chains.  The  Commodore  expressed  his  anger  as  he 
passed,  at  this  delay,  but  I  blessed  the  Lord,  who  had 
thus  saved  his  poor  creature  from  shame  and  trouble. 
How  delusive  are  schemes  of  pleasure ;  at  nine  in  the 
morning  I  was  sitting  at  ease,  with  the  person  dearest 
to  me  on  earth,  intending  to  go  out  with  her  afterwards 
to  see  the  different  views,  to  visit  some  persons  with 
her,  and  to  preach  on  the  morrow;  foiur  hours  only 
elapsed,  and  I  was  under  sail  from  England !  The 
anxiety  to  get  on  board,  and  the  joy  I  felt  at  not  being 
left  behind,  absorbed  other  sorrowftil  considerations  for 
a  time  ;  wrote  several  letters  as  soon  as  I  was  on  board, 

u 


290  JOURNAL.  [1805 

When  I  was  left  a  litde  at  leisure,  my  spirits  began  to 
sink ;  yet  how  backward  was  I  to  draw  near  to  my  God. 
I  found  relief  occasionally,  yet  still  was  slow  to  fly  to 
this  refuge  of  my  weary  soul.  Was  meditating  on  a 
subject  for  to-morrow.  As  more  of  the  land  gradually 
appeared  behind  the  Lizard,  I  watched  with  my  spy- 
glass for  the  mound,  but  in  consequence  of  lying  to  for 
the  purser,  and  thus  dropping  astern  of  the  fleet, 
night  came  on  before  we  weathered  the  point.  Oh,  let 
not  my  soul  be  deceived  and  distracted  by  these  foolish 
vanities,  but  now  that  I  am  actually  embarked  in 
Christ's  cause,  let  a  peculiar  unction  rest  upon  my  soul, 
to  wean  me  from  the  world,  and  to  inspire  me  with 
ardent  zeal  for  the  good  of  souls. 

UnioUy  Falmouth,  August  10,  1805. 
Mt  dbar  Miss  Lydia, 

It  will  perhaps  be  some  satisfaction  to  yourself  and 
your  mother,  to  know  that  I  was  in  time.  Our  ship 
was  entangled  in  the  chain,  and  was  by  that  means  the 
only  one  not  under  weigh  when  I  arrived.  It  seems 
that  most  of  the  people  on  board  had  given  me  up,  and 
did  not  mean  to  wait  for  me.  I  cannot  but  feel  sen- 
sibly this  instance  of  divine  mercy  in  thus  preserving  me 
from  the  great  trouble  that  would  have  attended  the  loss 
of  my  passage.  Mount's  Bay  will  soon  be  in  sight,  and 
recal  you  all  once  more  to  my  affectionate  remem*- 
brance.  »  *  *  *  * 

I  bid  you  a  long  Farewell.     God  ever  bless  you,  and 
help  you  sometimes  to  intercede  for  me. 

H.  Martyn. 

Union,  August  10,  1805. 
My  dbarest  Cousin, 

We  are  at  last  under  sail,  the  pilot  will  carry  back 
my  last  farewell  to  you.  This  morning  at  nine  o'clock, 
I  had  just  finished  reading  *  Home  on  the  Psalms,'  to 
Lydia  and  your  mother  at  Gurlyn,  when  a  messenger 
from  St.  Hilary  brought  an  account  of  an  express  from 


1805]  LETTERS.  291 

Falmouth ;  how  delusive  are  our  schemes  of  delight.  It 
was  but  yesterday  that  I  went  to  St.  Hilary ;  this  mor- 
ning after  breakfast,  Lydia  and  myself  were  to  have 
taken    a    walk  to    view   the   grounds,    and    then    to 

have  gone  to  T ;  then  to-morrow  I  was  to  have 

preached  at  St.  Hilary  and  Marazion,  but  four  hours 
only  have  elapsed,  and  the  shores  of  England  are  reced- 
ing from  my  sight.  But  I  bless  God  for  having  sent 
the  fleet  into  Falmouth ;  I  go  with  far  greater  content- 
ment and  peace  than  when  I  left  Portsmouth  ;  the  Lord 
will  do  all  things  well,  and  with  him  I  cheerfully  leave 
the  management  of  this  and  every  other  affair  for  time 
and  eternity  through  Jesus  Christ.  And  now  with 
gratitude  to  you  for  your  kind  counsel  and  sympathizing 
affection,  I  bid  you  once  more  adieu.  May  God  bless 
my  dear  brother  in  his  ministry,  and  bless  you  both  in 
your  family  and  in  your  own  souls ;  this  is  my  daily 
prayer,  and  will  continue  to  be  so.  Pray  that  a  more 
peculiar  unction  may  be  vouchsafed  to  me,  now  that  I 
am  actually  embarked  in  the  cause  of  Christ,  and  that  I 
may  not  go  forth  in  vain.  May  the  Lord  prosper  his 
word  in  Uie  thing  whereunto  he  sends  it.  It  will  be  a 
bitter  disappointment  if  I  do  not  receive  letters  from  you 
both  by  the  next  fleet.  I  have  not  a  moment  more.  I 
subscribe  my  name  for  the  last  time  in  England. 

Your's  with  everlasting  affection, 

.    H.  Martyn. 

11.  (Sunday.)  Rose  dejected  in  spirit.  (Vide  Me- 
moir.) In  conversation  with  the  captain,  I  learnt  that 
we  were  to  have  service  only  once  a  day  at  sea ;  I  could 
not  conceal  my  chagrin,  and  he  assigned  as  the  reason, 
that  the  men  who  had  to  keep  watch  in  the  night,  were 
obliged  to  take  rest  in  the  evening.  My  chief  hopes  of 
a  change  in  the  ship,  must,  under  God,  depend  on  pri- 
vate exhortation  and  reading  among  the  soldiers  and 
sailors.  Had  a  little  conversation  with  the  Italians,  in 
French,  and  lent  one  a  French  Testament ;  he  was  a 
Roman   Catholic,    very  ignorant,   worshipped  images, 

u  2 


292  JOURNAL.  [1805 

and  the  Virgin  Mary,  he  said,  but  would  not  use  auri- 
cular confession. 

12.  A  day  of  the  most  severe  trial  to  me;  was 
vomiting  all  the  morning.,  this  rendered  me  incapable  of 
removing  by  prayer  or  reading,  the  dreadful  gloom  that 
hung  upon  my  mind :  not  a  ray  of  pleasure  or  even  hope 
appeared  in  any  quarter.  England  had  disappeared, 
and  with  it  all  my  peace  ;  the  memory  of  Lydia,  and  all 
the  dear  Christian  friends  in  England,  cut  me  to  the 
heart  every  moment.  Every  wave  produced  vertigo  and 
sickness  in  the  body,  and  what  was  more  painful,  bore 
me  farther  and  farther  from  Lydia :  towards  evening 
found  it  best  to  stand  upon  deck,  looking  at  the  waves, 
and  the  other  ships  in  the  fleet :  the  beauties  of  the  set- 
ting sun,  though  it  tinged  the  sky  with  those  colours 
which  have  often  delighted  me  on  shore,  had  no  longer 
any  power  to  charm  me.  I  found  a  short  relief  at  inter- 
vals, in  thinking  of  the  realms  of  glory,  which  I  hoped 
I  should  one  day  see,  and  be  free  from  'sickness  and 
sorrow,  but  faith  was  not  in  lively  exercise.  The  pains 
of  memory  were  all  that  I  felt.  Till  bed-time  I  passed 
the  hours  away  with  reading  some  of  the  most  sorrowful 
Psalms,  and  those  hymns  which  were  most  suitable  to 
me.  I  was  almost  the  whole  day  engaged  in  ejacula- 
tory  prayer  to  God,  but  it  was  without  power.  Kneel- 
ing brought  on  retching  immediately.  No  thoughts,  but 
those  of  God's  tenderest  love  and  kindness  could  I  have 
borne.  Would  you  go  back,  I  said,  and  leave  the  poor 
heathen  to  perish,  now  that  they  are,  as  it  were,  looking 
out  with  anxious  expectation  for  glad  tidings  of  eternal 
joy  ?  Oh  no,  but  how  can  I  be  supported  ?  I  now  find 
by  experience,  that  I  am  weak  as  water.  My  faith 
fails,  nothing  seems  destined  for  me  now,  but  to  drag 
on  a  miserable  existence.  Oh,  iny  dear  friends  in 
England,  while  in  the  midst  of  heaJth,  and  joy,  and 
hope,  what  an  imperfect  idea  did  we  form  of  the  suffer- 
ings by  which  it  must  be  accomplished !  Throughout 
the  whole  of  this  day,  the  want  of  Christian  society,  or 
of  any  friend  with  whom  I  could  converse,  made  me 


1805]  JOURNAL.  293 

scarcely  doubt  of  sending  for  Lydia,  immediately  on  my 
arrival  in  India.  I  almost  think  I  should  before  that, 
only  that  I  may  perhaps  never  arrive ;  and  besides,  I  am 
determined  by  the  help  of  God  to  give  it  a  fair  trial, 
and  learn  his  will  more  perfectly.  We  continued  steer- 
ing for  Cork,  within  a  few  points  of  the  wind,  in  conse- 
quence of  which  we  made  little  head-way,  though  the 
breeze  was  very  fresh.     Went  to  bed  very  sick. 

13.  Rose  much  better,  had  a  most  comfortable  sea- 
son in  prayer  for  an  hour  after  breakfast,  and  passed  the 
remainder  of  the  morning  in  thinking  on  Psalm  1.  21. 
Went  about  among  the  soldiers  in.  the  afternoon,  accor- 
ding to  my  plan,  but  found  no  opportunity  of  speaking 
to  them.  After  tea,  I  again  sought  some  means  of 
speaking  to  the  soldiers,  but  finding  none,  I  betook 
myself  to  prayer,  in  which  my  own  lukewarmness  was 
made  to  appear  to  me  so  shameful,  that  I  determined  if 
possible,  to  do  something  for  them :  but  again  found 
none  at  leisure,  except  the  gunner's  mate  and  the  Italian 
to  whofn  I  had  given  the  Testament.  Afterwards  on 
the  poop  with  Major  D ^  and  M*K ,  the  ques- 
tion, what  would  become  of  the  heathen,  was  proposed 
to  me.  In  the  dispute,  I  was  assisted  to  declare  the 
way  of  salvation  clearly ;  the  subject  was  made  very 
useful  to  myself,  blessed  be  God  !  I  saw  very  plainly 
what  was  the  state  of  the  heathen  world,  and  looked 
forward  with  hope  and  joy  to  the  work  of  preaching 
among  the  eastern  nations,  the  everlasting  gospel  of  the 
blessed  God.     All  earthly  things  seemed  to  die  away  in 

insignificance.      At   night    M*K came    into   my 

cabin,  to  combat  what  I  had  said  about  the  heathen, 
and  to  inquire  also  what  Scripture  had  really  declared. 
I  was  grieved  before  at  the  unsoundness  of  his  views  in 
many  respects,  but  to-night  was  led  to  entertain  better 
hopes  of  him,  from  the  teachableness  and  submission  to 
Scripture  he  manifested.  To  all  his  questions  and 
objections,  the  Lord  provided  me  a  ready  answer.  The 
officers  and  others,  he  told  me,  did  nothing  but  make 
objections  to   my  sermons :  I  was  fearful  my  manner 


294  JOURNAL.  [1805 

had  been  offensive,  but  he  said  it  was  the  doctrine. 
Went  to  bed  almost  as  if  for  the  last  time,  so.  near  did 
death  and  eternity  appear.  Came  in  sight  of  Ireland 
this  evening. 

14.  Had  again  this  morning  much  enjoyment  in 
private  prayer,  but  the  time  afterwards  was  interrupted 
by  the  confusion  of  coming  into  harbour ;  and  I  was 
scarcely  at  all  alone  in  my  cabin.  Came  to  anchor  in 
the  Cove  of  Cork  about  noon.  *  In  the  afternoon  was 
blessed  with  much  comfort  in  prayer.  Visited  a  corpo- 
ral who  had  been  sick  a  good  whole,,  he  seemed  in  real 
concern  about  his  soul.  Sat  some  time  with  the  seamen, 
and  heard  one  of  them  read  Isaiah  Iv.  Gave  some 
bibles  and  tracts.  Lost  much  of  the  peace  and  comfort 
I  had  enjoyed,  by  not  praying  in  the  course  of  the 
evening,  by  being  in  such  company  as  that  of  the  mess 
room,  and  by  W.  H.  lounging  with  me  at  night  in  the 
cabin.  I  must  alter  my  hours  somehow  in  order  to 
gain  time. 

Cork  Harbour,  Aug.  19,  1805. 
My  dearest  Cousin, 
I  hasten  to  send  you  a  few  lines,  in  the  hope  of 
receiving  one  more  letter  from  you  before  I  leave  this 
part  of  the  world.  No  one  in  the  fleet  knew  of  our 
destination  to  Ireland  till  the  Commodore  opened  his 
sealed  dispatches  off  the  Lizard,  or  I  should  have  desired 
you  to  direct  to  me  there.  We  continued  our  course 
the  Saturday  on  which  I  wrote  to. you,  and  on  the 
Sunday  morning  were  becalmed  in  Mount's  Bay.  It 
was  a  melancholy  pleasure  to  have  one  more  view  of  the 
Mount,  Marazion,  and  St.  Hilary,  all  which  I  could  see 
with  the  glass  very  well,  though  not  distinctly  with  the 
naked  eye.  My  heart  was  very  full,  as  you  may  suppose. 
I  would  have  given  any  thing  to  have  been  ashore 
preaching  at  Marazion  or  St.  Hilary,  where  I  was  pro- 
bably expected.  I  took  for  my  text  Heb.  xi.  16.  **  But 
now  they  desire  a  better  country,  that  is  a  heavenly, 
wherefore  God,"  &c.     The  text  was  not  very  suitable  to 


1805]  LETTER.  295 

them,  but  it  was  quite  so  to  me.     The  beloved  objects 
were  still  in  sight,  and  Lydia  I  knew  was  about  that 
time  at  St.  Hilary,  but  every  wave  bore  me  farther  and 
farther  from  them.     I  introduced  what  I  had  to  say  by 
observing  that  we  had  now  bid  adieu  to  England,  and 
its  shores  were  dying  away  from  the  view.     The  female 
part  of  my  audience  were  much  affected,  but  I  do  not 
know  that  any  were  induced  to  seek  the  better  country. 
The  Mount  continued  in  sight  till  five  o'clock^  when  it 
disappeared  behind  the   western  boundary  of  the  bay. 
Amidst  the  extreme  gloom  of  my  mind  this  day  I  found 
great  comfort  in  interceding  earnestly  for  my  beloved 
friends   all  6ver    England.     If  you  have  heard  from 
Marazion  sinoe  Sunday  I  should  be  curious  to  know 
whether  the   fleet  was  observed  passing.     Whether  it 
was 'or  not  I  am  very  sure  that  more  persons  than  one 
were  praying  for  its  preservation.     Monday,  the  day 
after,  was  a  day  of  most  severe  trial  to  me.     It  began  to 
blow  fresh  in  the  morning,  in  consequence  of  which  ^H 
the  passengers  were  ill.     I  was  thus  rendered  incapable 
of  removing  by  persevering  prayer  the  dreadful  gloom 
that  hung  upon  my  mind  ;  not  a  ray  of  comfort  or  life 
appeared  in  any  quarter.     We  had  lost  sight  of  the  land 
in  the  night,  and  with  it  I  seemed  to  have  lost  all  the 
sources  of  happiness.     O  this  ensnaring  world !     What 
but  the  Almighty  power  of  God  can  effectuaUy  wean  us 
from  it  I     I  slumbered  away  the  afternoon  in  darkness 
and  stupidity,  scarcely  sensible  of  any  thing  but  the 
pains  of  memory  ;  but  reviving  a  little  at  night  I  was 
refreshed  by  reading  some   of  the   Psalms,  and  your 
hymns.     No  thoughts  but  those  of  God's  covenant  love 
and  everlasting  kindness  would  at  all  suit  me.     In  such 
passages  as  these,    **  Why  sayest  thou,  O  Jacob,*'  &c. 
I  found  strong  consolation.     I  believed  I  should  utterly 
have  fainted,  but  that  I  was  enabled  to  say  in  faith, 
"  Rejoice  not  against  me,  O  mine  enemy,  when  I  fall  I 
shall  arise  ;  when  I  sit  in  darkness  the  Lord  shall  be  a 
light  unto  me."     Throughout  the  whole  of  the  day  the 
want  of  Christian  society,  or  of  any  friend  with  whom  I 


296  LETTER.  [1805 

could  converse,  made  me  scarcely  doubt  of  the  necessity 
of  applying  to  Lydia  immediately  on  my  arrival  in  India. 
But  I  am  determined  by  the  help  of  God  to  give  the 
matter  a  fair  trial.  I  hope  I  shall  never  request  her  to 
make  such  a  sacrifice  merely  for  my  personal  relief, 
except  so  far  as  that  may  tend  to  promote  the  kingdom 
of  God.  Yesterday  and  to-day  my  sickness  is  removed, 
and  my  peace  restored.  God  fulfils  his  promises  to  me 
in  a  marvellous  manner.  "  As  thy  days  so  shall  thy 
strength  be.'*  He  is  a  friend  very  near  to  me,  now 
that  sdl  others  are  far  from  me,  and  refreshes  my  soul 
with  long  and  happy  seasons  of  prayer.  He  makes  the 
great  business  of  my  ministry  to  be  now  uppermost  in 
mind.  O  let  die  Eastern  nations  at  last  emerge  from 
their  darkness,  and  let  these  my  poor  wretched  country- 
men who  sail  with  me,  and  whom  I  see  under  the  p6wer 
of  Satan,  be  turned  away  from  their  sin  and  enmity  to 
God  !  The  more  I  see  of  the  world,  the  more  deeply  I 
am  struck  with  the  truth  and  excellency  of  the  blessed 
Gospel.  O  the  transcendent  privilege  of  being  enlight- 
ened by  the  knowledge  of  it.  I  have  now  free  access 
among  the  soldiers  and  sailors,  and  pray  that  some  may 
be  awakened  to  a  serious  concern  for  their  souls.  We 
have  a  Venetian  on  board  who  speaks  French ;  to  him  I 
have  been  preaching  the  Grospel  in  that  language.  I 
have  given  him  a  French  Testament.  Tracts  and  bibles 
I  have  dispersed  in  numbers.  Yesterday  Ireland  came 
in  sight,  and  to-day  we  came  to  anchor  in  the  Cove  of 
Cork.  We  are  now  in  the  midst  of  a  vast  number  of 
transports  filled  with  troops.  It  is  now  certain  from 
our  coming  here  that  we  are  to  join  in  some  expedition, 
probably  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope,  or  the  Brazils; 
any  where  so  long  as  the  Lord  goes  with  me.  If  it 
rfiould  please  God  to  send  me  another  letter  from  you, 
which  I  scarcely  dare  hope,  do  not  forget  to  tell  me  as 
much  as  you  can  about  Lydia.  I  cannot  write  to  her, 
or  I  should  find  the  greatest  relief  and  pleasure  even  in 
'  transmitting  upon  paper  the  assurances  of  my  tenderest 
love.     And  with  respect  to  yourself,  my  dear  Cousin,  I 


1805]  JOURNAL.  297 

cannot  but  be  deeply  anxious,  considering  the  very  long 
peritti  that  must  dapse  before  I  can  hear  again  of  you. 
I  could  have  wished  to  have  left  you  in  more  established 
health,  but  I  must  rest  contented  with  the  happy  assu* 
ranee  of  your  being  under  the  care  of  a  gracious  God 
and  reconciled  Father  in  Christ,  who  will  in  his  own 
time  call  you  to  your  high  reward.  And  now  I  reluc-* 
tantly  conclude,  commending  you  both  to  God,  and  to 
the  word  of  his  grace.     Amen. 

H.  Martyn. 

15.  Went  ashore  and  walked  to  Cork,  about  eight 
pailes  up ;  on  the  road  I  joined  two  seijeants  of  the 
25th  light  dragoons,  and  was  speaking  to  them  on 
divine  things,  when  Mr.  K.  came  up,  and  with  him  I 
was  obliged  to  walk  the  remainder  of  the  way,  with  very 
unprofitable  conversation.  Continued  at  a  coffee-house 
in  Cork  the  remainder  of  the  day,  unable  to  converse  for 
want  of  communion  with  God.  Wrote  a  letter  to  Mr. 
Simeon,  and  that  was  of  use  in  fixing  my  mind  a  good 
while  on  the  things  of  another  world.  One  object  in 
going  to  Cork,  was  to  see  if  any  pulpit  might  be  pro* 
cured  for  Sunday ;  but  the  persons  of  whom  I  sought 
information  happened  to  be  all  Roman  Catholics,  who 
could  tell  me  nothing  more  than  that  there  were  seven 
Protestant  churches,  and  about  the  same  number  of 
Roman  Catholic.  At  night  I. turned  as  usual  to  the 
bible,  and  found  it  quickening  to  my  soul.  In  prayer 
had  an  awfiil  impression  of  my  own  unprofitableness,  and 
of  the  shortness  of  time. 

16.  After  a  disturbed  night,  in  which  vain  fancy 
pained  me  with  thoughts  of  Lydia,  I  rose  with  my  mind 
also  hankering  after  this  world,  as  I  was  afraid  it  would 
be.  Going  forth  in  God's  service  appeared  more  desir* 
able  than  any  thing  else.  Laid  out  a  good  deal  of 
money  in  books.  Walked  out  of  Cork  alone,  sorrow- 
ful at  not  having  been  of  any  spiritual  good  to  a  single 
individual  in  it. 

17.  After  a  happy  season  in  prayer  after  breakfast, 


298  JOURNAL.  [1805 

began  writing  a  sermon,  which  employed  me  all  the  day 
after.  Rowed  ashore  for  exercise.  My  mind  seamed 
made  up  to  a  long  and  continued  course  of  opposition 
to  the  flesh.  Came  on  board.  Attempted  several  times 
to  have  some  conversation  with  the  soldiers,  but  they 
were  so  full  of  preparations  for  a  review,  that  I  could 
find  no  opportimity. 

18.     (Sunday.)     No  service  in  the  morning  in  con- 
sequence of  rain,  but  from  the  time  I  got  up  till  the 
middle  of  the  day,  I  enjoyed  more  peace  arid  spiritual 
joy,  than  I  have  since  I  begun  the  voyage.     I  recollected 
it  was  the  first  Sunday  my  friends  faiew  of  my  being  at 
sea.     Oh,  there  were  many  prayers  ascending  for  me. 
Read  the  psalms  of  praise  with  a  happy  sense  of  God*s 
love.     Found  it  still  in  vain  to  get  at  the  soldiers,  in  the 
midst  of  their  bustle  of  preparation  for  a  drill  previous 
to  their  review.     While  they  were  drilled  pn  deck,  I 
walked   on   the  poop,    my  soul  in  general  expanding 
with  love,  in  recollecting  the  society  of  the  children  of 
God,   with   whom  I  felt  sweet  communion  of  Spirit. 
Talked  to  the  quarter-master,  but  he  did  not  seem  to 
receive  what  I  had  to  say ;  another  seaman  continues 
to  read  the  bible  daily  which  I  gave  him  a  few  days 
ago ;  I  asked  him  if  he  understood  it :  the  tears  ran 
down  his  cheeks,  while  we  conversed  on  religion :  on 
asking  him,  whether  he  did  not  sin  against  God  daily, 
be  was  quick  to  confess  that  he  did.     His  soul  seemed 
to  be  very  tender,  serious,  and  humble,  and  I  left  him 
in  comfortable  hope.     Went  below  decks,  but  the  con- 
fusion was  greater  than  ever ;  reproved  a  corporal  and  a 
sentry  for  swearing.     I  observed  evident  marks  of  con- 
tempt.    There  was  a  quarrel  amongst  the  soldiers  and 
sailors,  one  of  the  former  who  was  stripped  for  fighting, 
I  went  up  to  ;    they  all  gave  great  deference,  and  the 
tumult  subsided  for  awhile,  but  I  feel  a  coward  heart 
in  such  circumstances.     In  a  season  of  prayer  at  this 
time,  I  was  stirred  up  to  pray  fervently  for  zeal  in  the 
different  offices  of  my  ministi7.     I  saw  that  I  ought  to 
give  my  whole  strength  in  preaching.     I  consider  it  as 


1805]  JOURNAL.  999 

an  awAil  occasion  in  which  I  should  labour  mistily. 
Mr.  K.  was  going  on  a  party  of  pleasure,  with  some  of 
the  passengers,  but  I  convinced  him  of  the  sinfulness  of 
it,  and  so  he  staid.  At  half  after  five  we  had  service,  I 
preached  on  Psalm  iv.  21^  22.  There  were  not  many 
passengers  present,  but  the  profoundest  attention  in 
those  that  were. 

19.  Had  again  a  long  and  blessed  season  in  prayer. 
(Vide  Memoir.)  Visited  the  soldiers,  &c.  between 
decks,  and  began  the  Pilgrim's  Progress  with  a  party  of 
soldiers  and  their  wives,  promising  to  continue  it. 

20.  God  visited  me  again  in  prayer,  my  soul  wrestled 
for  the  continuance  of  the  spirit  of  adoption  ;  I  Mt 
angry  with  myself,  and  grieved  that  I  should  ever  walk  so 
carelessly,  and  so  faithlessly,  as  to  bring  guilt  upon  my 
conscience.  In  the  afternoon,  finding  no  opportunity 
of  going  below,  I  looked  into  a  review,  and  was  led  on, 
by  one  thing  after  another  in  the  book,  to  delay  prayer 
and  ftirther  exertions  among  the  people;  detestable 
curiosity  about  the  impertinent  subjects  of  literature 
has  often  given  a  severe  wound  to  my  peace.  After  tea, 
again  went  to  see  if  I  could  read  to  the  people,  but  saw, 
or  fancied  I  saw,  they  were  in  too  great  confusion,  from 
stowing  casks,  to  attend  to  me. 

2L  The  same  enjoyment  of  morning  prayer.  By 
Mr.  K.  lounging  with  me,  I  was  very  inconveniently  de- 
prived of  most  of  the  morning.  Continued  the  Col- 
ossians,  thought  on  my  sermon,  but  in  a  very  desultory 
way.  After  dinner,  read  one  of  Hannah  More's  tracts 
to'the  people,  and  talked  to  them  about  swearing.-  The 
evening  slipped  away  in  an  unprofitable  manner ;  I  be- 
gan it  indeed  with  a  solemn  season  of  prayer,  in  which 
I  strove  to  realize  the  certainty  of  my  death ;  perhaps  it 
is  very  near.     I  felt  pleasure  in  the  prospect. 

22.  Had  a  most  blessed  enjoyment  of  the  Divine 
presence  in  prayer  this  morning,  in  which  I  found  not 
that  tendency  to  be  pu£fed  up  at  the  discoveries  made  to 
me  as  in  former  days,  but  my  soul  seemed  filled  with 
love,  and  willing  seLf-abasement.     ^*  My  cup  runneth 


300  JOURNAL.  [1805 

over  ;*'  I  almost  ventured  to  think,  "  truly  mercy  and 
goodness  shall  follow  me  all  the  days  of  my  life ;  "  but 
oh,  how  little  do  I  deserve  the  manifestations  of  God's 
love !  I  ought  to  have  served  him  better  for  his  good- 
ness to  me.  Went  on  board  the  Ann,  in  order  to  con- 
vey some  books  to  Mr.  B.  which,  however,  I  did  not  do ; 
I  unhappily  chose  a  most  improper  time  for  my  visit,  as 
the  ship  bad  just  been  in  a  state  of  mutiny.  The 
soldiers  on  board,  exasperated  at  the  treatment  of  the 
officers,  had  resolved  a  night  or  two  before,  to  kill  the 
sentinels,  and  dien  to  murder  the  captain  and  officers  ; 
when  they  were  detected,  a  scuffle  ensued,  the  men 
pointed  one  of  the  great  guns  toward  the  quarter^^-deck, 
but  they  were  overcome,  and  nine  of  the  ringleaders  put 
in  irons  ;  a  court  martial  was  sitting  on  them  when  I 
came  on  board.  Mr.  T.*s  situation  appeared  so  dread- 
fid,  that  I  returned  to  the  Union,  as  to  a  kind  family  of 
friends,  thankful  to  God  for  his  mercy  in  ordering  my 
lot  to  fall  in  pleasanter  places.  The  remainder  of  the 
morning  I  walked  the  deck  for  exercise,  and  had  some 
useful  conversation  with  the  surgeon.  In  consequence 
of  late  dinner  and  drill,  I  did  not  think  it  convenient 
to  the  soldiers,  to  go  below  and  read  to  them  ;  and 
directly  after  tea,  the  hammocks  were  ordered  down, 
and  so  no  reading  took  place  ;  on  inquiry  afterwards,  I 
found  they  had  assembled  in  considerable  numbers  on 
the  upper  deck  to  hear  me  ;  on  hearing  this  I  was  quite 
cut  to  the  heart.  It  is  not  for  want  of  willingness,  that 
I  am  so  slow  to  action,  but  I  am  destitute  of  that 
energy,  promptness,  activity,  and  holy  forwardness 
which  characterized  Whitfield,  and  the  eminent  ser- 
vants of  God. 

23.  Had  more  seriousness  than  joy  in  prayer ;  yet 
the  past  experience  of  the  satisfaction  to  be  tasted  in 
commypion  with  God,  excited  me  to  some  perseverance, 
and  earnestness  to  seek  bis  presence.  Went  aboard 
the  Pitt,  Botany  Bay  ship.  She  is  carrying  out  120 
female  convicts.  They  were  well  accommodated,  but 
the  person  who   showed  me  rounds   said,  they  had  no 


1805]  JOURNAL.  301' 

Bibles  or  religious  books.  While  he  and  the  rest  were 
with  me,  I  could  neither  speak  to  them  particularly,  nor 
distribute  tracts  ;  but  on  deck  observing  some  improper 
conduct  in  a  seaman,  I  spoke  to  him,  and  after  a  little 
conversation,  declared  what  the  law  of  God  threatened, 
and  directed  him  how  he  might  be  able  to  leave  off  his 
sin.  No,  said  he,  I  cannot  do  that,  and  will  not ;  and 
soon  after  I  saw  him  in  defiance  behaving  as  before. 
Our  conversation  drew  others  about  me,  who  all  ques- 
tioned me  concerning  the  harm  of  it,  with  the  utmost 
contempt.  One  man  said,  Well,  if  that  is  the  greatest 
sin  I  have  ever  committed,  heaven  is  my  portion.  How- 
ever, I  could  very  easily  keep  them  all  at  bay,  and  told 
them  that  though  they  could  make  a  laughing  matter 
of  it  now,  they  would  think  differently  of  it  at  death, 
and  the  day  of  judgment.  However,  I  could  not  leave 
them  without  telling  them  of  the  gospel,  and  the  way 
God  would  deliver  them  from  sin ;  this  made  them 
rather  more  serious;  chiefly,  I  suppose,  because  they 
could  not  but  receive  with  civility  what  I  spoke  to 
them  mildly  as  a  great  mercy  and  privilege.  I  after* 
wards  went  below  alone,  and  finding  a  few  women, 
spoke  to  them,  and  gave  them  a  few  tracts  which  I  had. 
One  whispered  to  me  in  great  emotion,  asking  me  if  I 
was  not  a  Roman  priest.  Guessing  her  intentions,  I 
asked  her  if*  she  was  not  a  Roman  catholic,  and  advised 
her  to  confess  her  sins  to  Him  who  knoweth  the  heart. 
On  going  away,  I  proposed  to  Captain  B.  to  preach 
next  Sunday,  but  he  did  not  seem  to  accede  to  my  pro- 
posal. I  went  away  much  shocked  at  the  iniquitous 
state  of  the  ship,  find  found  no  sympathizing  sentiments 
in  our  shipmates  who  returned  with  me  to  the  Union, 
for  they  treated  it  with  that  levity  which  characterizes 
wicked  men,  when  treating  of  sin.  Afterwards  went 
ashore  on  the  east  point  of  the  harbour,  with  the  Lascars 
who  were  going  to  water,  and  some  others.  Walking  to 
the  fort,  I  passed  two  men  who  were  hanging  in  chains, 
for  murder.  They  were  the  most  horrid  spectacle  I  ever 
beheld ;  some  of  the  clothes  were  still  remaining,  and 


302  JOURNAL.  [1805 

parts  of  the  skdetons  appeared  through  the  rags.  In 
one  a  few  locks  of  dishevelled  hair  remained,  and  the 
teeth,  so  that  his  countenance  still  preserved  a  look  of 
the  most  dire  malignity.  My  feelings,  which  had  been 
excited  by  what  I  had  witnessed  in  the  convict  ship, 
were  now  greatly  agitated.  The  wickedness  of  that 
earth  on  which  I  was  destined  to  dwell  so  long,  im- 
pressed me  very  deeply.  I  seemed  to  have  received  a 
new  idea,  in  considering  what  sort  of  people  God  had  to 
manage.  Advancing  to  the  brow  of  the  headland,  with 
my  face  toward  the  wide  and  lovely  ocean,  I  thought — 

0  thou  hast  sent  me  as  a  sheep  among  wolves.  My 
heart  too  is  the  same,  disposed  to  the  same  iniquities. 

1  looked  towards  India,  and  remembered  they  were 
heathens,  perhaps  ten  times  worse  than  any  thing  I  had 
seen.  Yet.  I  felt  no  disposition  to  do  any  thing  but 
labour  in  the  gospel  among  my  fellow  creatures.  Seeing 
a  middle-aged  soldier  sitting  under  the  wall  of  the  fort, 
I  began  a  conversation,  and  found  he  was  a  Roman 
catholic.  In  answer  to  my  ailments  against  the  main 
errors  of  his  superstition,  namely  the  use  of  the  interces- 
sion of  the  Virgin,  and  the  saints,  and  dependence  on 
our  righteousness  for  acceptance ;  he  replied  very  sen- 
sibly and  seriously.  I  was  pleased  that  he  made  objec- 
tions, as  it  was  not  in  a  captious  spirit,  becatise  it  shewed 
he  understood  what  I  said,  and  felt  the  force  of  it. 
Afterwards,  while  I  opened  the  system  of  the  gospel  to 
him,  he  listened  with  great  attention,  without  interrupt- 
ing, and  having  nothing. more  to  reply,  I  left  him  after 
giving  him  Vivian's  Dialogues.  He  read,  he  said,  the 
English  Testament.  On  my  return  to  the  beach,  the 
boat  not  being  ready,  I  walked  to  see  some  ruins  near 
Colonel  Fitzgerald's,  and  afterwards  sat  on  the  turf  near 
the  rocks,  reading  Acts  xxi.  with  great  comfort.  Oh, 
what  should  I  do  without  God.  In  the  afternoon  went 
below,  and  read  Pilgrim's  Progress  for  about  an  hour. 

Afterwards  wrote  a  little  of  sermon ;  but  Mr. took 

away  almost  all  the  evening,  by  ccmiing  to  tell  me,  1st. 
that  he  had  been   defending   my  conduct  before  the 


1805]  JOURNAL.  303 

junior  officers  of  the  regiment,  who  had  dedared,  that  if 
they  were  commanding  officers,  I  should  not  be  suffered 
to  talk  to  the  men  in  this  way  about  religion,  thus  un» 
fitting  them  to  be  soldiers  ;  and  that  if  I  read  at  all  to 
them  it  should  be  to  the  whole  on  deck  ;  and  2nd.  by 
opening  his  mind  to  me  on  the  subject  of  his  revengefiU 
temper,  which  had  just  been  excited.  I  endeavoured  to 
advise  him  on  the  subject.  Orders  arrived  to  the  Com- 
modore to  detain  us,  for  fear  of  immediate  invasion,  in 
which  case  the  ships  might  be  of  use.  This  will  pro* 
bably  delay  us  a  month. 

24.  After  prayer  to  God  for  the  contmuance  of  the 
word  of  life  among  the  poor  soldiers,  and  that  He  would 
order  the  hearts  of  the  commanding  officers,  I  went  to 
Captain  O.  and  beginning  to  tell  him  of  what  the  sub- 
altern had  been  saying,  he  begged  me  not  to  mind  that, 
but  to  continue  my  labours  among  them. 

25.  (Sunday.)  Rose  from  prayer  with  a  solemn 
impression.  In  consequence  of  the  rain,  there  could  be 
no  service  this  morning  ;  I  felt  at  this  a  secret  sort  of 
pleasure,  but  soon  after  the  guilt  of  the  feeling  was 
brought  home  to  my  mind.  I  prayed  that  God  would 
not  for  my  wickedness'  sake  deprive  those  perishing  souls 
of  the  bread  of  life,  but  feed  them,  and  in  mercy  to  his 
church,  and  free  compassion  to  his  wretched  creatures, 
inflame  their  soul  with  a  burning  zeal.  I  found  that 
the  Lord  had  in  part  heard  my  prayer,  for  I  rose  with 
an  utter  scorn  of  my  fo^ner  base  lukewarmness,  and  de- 
sired above  all  things,  to  spend,  and  be  spent  in  Christ's 
service.  In  my  walk  on  deck,  conversed  a  little  with 
the  mate,  but  to  all  on  religion  obtained  no  answer. 
Yet  he  is  my  staunch  friend ;  for  after  dinner,  while  I 
was  below,  he  said  to  Lieutenant  D,  If  you  won't  be 
religious  yourself,  why  hinder  another  ;  and  he  said  to 
several  of  them,  Though  you  laugh  at  religion  now,  by 
and  by  jrour  consciences  will  be  overhauled.  He  is  the 
picture  of  a  good-natured  blimt  seaman.  Read  chiefly 
in  Samuel  to-day.  Colonel  H«  and  another  officer  of 
the  21st  dined  with  us.     The  conversation  was  about 


304  JOURNAL.  [1805 

regiments,  and  fii^men,  and  officers,  &c..  I  retired  soon 
after  dinner,  and  read  the  Pilgrim's  Progress  to  the  men, 
who  attended  in  great  numbers  to  hear,  chiefly  because 
the  rain  prevented  their  being  on  deck.  I  never  per 
ceived  so  much  of  the  extraordinary  value  of  this  book 
till  now.  I  am  now  got  beyond  most  6f  my  poor  hear- 
ers, but  it  cannot  be  helped.  The  latter  part  of  a 
Christian's  course  may  be  more  blessed  to  tliem  than  the 
beginning.  But  as  I  go  on,  the  book  furnishes  me  with 
opportunities  of  making  a  thousand  useful  remarks  I 
should  never  have  thought  of  else.  It  clearing  off  in 
the  evening,  I  walked  on  the  poop,  enjoying  the  thought 
of  the  people  of  God,  who  were  then  assembling  in 
different  parts  of  the  kingdom,  to  happy  worship,  par- 
ticularly the  congregations  at  Cambridge,  St.  John's, 
Iiondon,  and  Dock,  when  I  was  interrupted  by  the  mate's 
proposing  divine  service  without  a  sermon^  which  indeed 
it  was  impossible  to  have,  as  the  sun  was  down  before 
they  began  to  rig  the  church. 

26.  Two  thmgs  were  made  the  subject  of  my  ear- 
nest petition  this  morning.  1 .  That  God  would  exert 
his  power,  and  make  me  depend  on  that  power  by  which 
he  can  renew  my  heart.  The  texts,  "  What  is  the 
exceeding  greatness  of  his  power ,^'  and  "  He  is  able  to 
do  exceedingly,  &c."  appeared  to  me  just  what  I  wanted. 
Nothing  seemed  capable  of  fitting  my  body  and  soul  for 
glory,  but  the  sovereign  power  and  pleasure  of  God.  I 
prayed  the  Lord  that  he  would  himself  create  me  anew 
unto  good  works,  and  a  spirit  of  love,  and  make  me  to 
see  it  to  be  his  doing,  for  then  he  would  have  aU  the 
glory.  Oh  that  the  Lord  would  be  pleased  to  remove 
pride  and  delusion  of  self-love  from  this  vile  heart,  lest  I 
be  made  to  feel  the  truth  of  his  word,  by  being  cast  into 
outer  darkness.  My  mind,  during  my  walk,  was  uneasy 
at  the  danger  of  trifling  in  my  studies,  and  giving 
myself  to  unimportant  reading,  for  want  of  being  called 
to  immediate  duties.  After  some  doubts,  and  much 
unwillingness,  I  went  below  in  the  afternoon,  expecting 
to  find  few  people  able  to  attend,  but  had  a  consider- 


1805]  JOURNAL.  303 

able  number,  and  from  a  part  of  '  Pilgrim's  Progress/ 
told  them  much  of  the  evil  of  being  ashamed  of  religion. 
Enjoyed  a  solemn,  though  short  season  of  prayer  in  the 
evening,  in  which  I  felt  all  my  soul  go  forth  in  desires 
to  be  like  Christ,  in  finding  my  meat  and  drink  in 
doing  the  will  of  God.  In  the  evening  endeavoured  to 
learn  the  notes  on  the  Bute,  as  thinking  it  may  be  of 
use  in  helping  my  people  to  sing,  perhaps  in  India. 
The  Lord  keep  these  things  from  being  a  snare  to  me. 

27-  My  chief  business  in  prayer  this  morning,  was 
to  put  my  soul  into  a  state  of  heavenly-mindedness.  Oh, 
how  unconquerably  carnal  did  my  heart  appear.  Though 
the  outward  scene  presents  nothing  but  what  is  unsatis* 
lying  and  tedious,  except  viewed  in  a  spiritual  manner, 
I  feel  I  have  no  power  to  preserve  any  abiding  enjoy- 
ment of  invisible  things.  However  rich  it  is  to  be 
under  the  influence  of  divine  realities,  I  cannot  keep  my 
soul  in  eternity :  it  is  presently  down  again  upon  earth, 
the  easy  sport  of  almost  every  thing  that  passes  before 
the  sight.  What  a  state  of  joy  it  must  be,  I  thought, 
to  be  there,  where  I  shall  always  see  God,  and  always  be 
filled  with  divine  affections,  to  worship  him  day  and 
^night  in  his  holy  temple.  Endeavoured  as  I  walked  on 
deck,  to  turn  my  thoughts  into  a  profitable  channel,  but 
to  little  purpose ;  at  last  I  bowed  my  knees  in  prayer, 
and  never  yet  found  such  precious  power  in  the  atone- 
ment. The  Spirit,  of  a  truth,  applied  the  blood  of 
Jesus,  to  cleanse  me  from  all  my  sin.  Whatever  I  had 
been  in  times  past,  free  pardon  might  be  obtained,  and 
I  might  begin  anew  with  quietness  and  peace,  my  heart 
being  sprinkled  from  an  evil  conscience ;  death,  which 
seemed  very  near,  through  the  weakness  of  my  bodily 
frame,  appeared  very  desirable.  I  tried  to  realize  what 
would  be  my  feelings  on  a  death-bed,  and  my  fears, 
and  endeavoured  to  meet  them.  Then  read  1  Cor.  xv. 
with  great  impression,  and  I  tried  to  be  persuaded  that 
there  was  r^y  nothing  here,  for  which  I  should  be 
unwilling  to  leave  the  world ;  certainly  nothing  in  the 
ungodly,  and  nothing  also  in  the  society  of  saints. 


306  JOURNAL.  [1805 

28.  The  whole  fleet  sailed  out  of  Cork  harbour, 
'  under  convoy  of  the  Diadem  64,  Belliqueux  64,  Leda  and 

Narcissus  frigates,  but  the  wind  proving  westerly,  and 
the  ships  making  a  great  deal  of  lee  way,  we  came  to 
anchor  again  under  the  windward  shore:  I  was  very 
uncomfortable  from  sickness,  but  wrote  several  letters. 
Passed  the  rest  of  the  day  in  dejection :  being  scarcely 
able  to  keep  from  vomiting.  I  could  not  continue 
loDg  enough  at  a  time  in  prayer,  to  enjoy  the  presence 
of  God.  It  would  have  been  some  pleasure  and  relief 
to  have  been  able  to  read  *  Pilgrim's  Progress'  to 
the  soldiers,  but  the  ship  was  in  the  utmost  con- 
fusion, and  most  of  the  soldiers  on  deck  helping  to 
wash  her. 

29.  The  fleet  at  anchor  still  outside  the  land ;  in  a 
thick  fog  all  day ;  felt  very  uncomfortable  from  sea-sick- 
ness ;  found  the  consolatory  parts  of  the  prophets  most 
suited  to  my  state  ;  read  Hindoostanee  most  of  the  mor- 
ning ;  conversed  a  good  deal  with  Captain  S ;   or 

rather  told  him  what  I  thought  of  importance  for  him 
to  know,  for  he  made  no  answer.  Read  as  usual  in  the 
afternoon  to  the  soldiers ;  at  night,  as  is  often  the  case, 
prayed  with  great  fervour  for  zeal. 

30.  The  swell  was  so  much  increased  this  morning, 
that  I  continued  very  sick.  Employed  the  intervals  of 
ease  in  prayer,  that  God  would  enable  the  soul  to  rise 
above  the  body,  and  make  me  peaceful,  patient,  and 
resigned,  in  all  the  bodily  su£Eering  that  awaits  me.. 
Read  a  good  deal  of  Scripture,  but  in  a  heavy  frame, 
though  I  selected  the  most  enlivening  parts.  I  was  not 
on  the  whole  so  much  dejected  as  the  last  time  I  was 
sick,  but  yet  very  much  so  now ;  misery  seemed  to  await 
me  through  life.  Nothing  but  death  and  heaven  ap- 
peared as  a  pleasant  end  in  view.  There  seemed  no  one 
person  who  cared  for  me.  As  there  was  a  prospect  of  a 
gale  of  wind,  and  the  Commodore  had  probably  no  order 
to  proceed,  the  fleet  weighed,  and  by  dinner  time  were 
moored  again  in  Cork  harbour.  Finished  Robertson, 
and  began  Dow.     The  insidious  attacks  on  Christianity 


1805]  JOURNAL.  307 

in  this  writer,  while  he  describes  the  Hindoos,  and  their 
inveterate  attachment  to  their  superstition,  stirred  me 
up  to  prayer,  in  which,  after  making  mention  before  the 
Lord  of  the  state  of  India,  and  his  promise  respecting 
the  conversion  of  all  men,  and  the  want  of  success  his 
faithful  servants  had  met  with,  I  said  that  I,  a  poor 
feeble  worm,  should  certainly  be  swallowed  up,  and  lost 
in  the  difficulties,  unless  God  should  show  to  the  world 
that  He  still  reigneth :  the  hope  that  the  Lord  might 
perhaps  be  pleased  to  make  use  of  me,  inspired  me  with 
great  ardour,  and  I  sat  down  to  ddiberate  on  the  sub- 
ject ;  I  could  not  perceive  that  anything  was  to  be  done, 
till  I  had  learnt  by  actual  intercourse  with  the  natives, 
to  enter  into  their  minds  and  views,  for  so  only  could  I 
learn  to  answer  the  objections  they  would  make  to 
the  truths  of  the  gospel.  Read  soine  chapters  of  the 
Acts,  to  see  how  the  apostles  addressed  ignorant  hea^ 
thens  >  and  afterwards  Brainerd's  description  of  ttie  diffi- 
tni[ties  which  attended  his  mission.  But  all  this  is  out- 
ward, my  soul  wants  the  spirit  of  prayer.  The  work  is 
easy  to  God,  if  I  could  pray  earnestly  in  their  behalf. 
The  Lord  awaken  me  to  spiritual  earnestness. 

31.  Rose  ill  with  a  bilious  headache  ;  in  my  prayer 
and  general  thoughts  in  the  morning  felt  resigned  and 
happy  at  the  prospect  of  death  and  heaven.     Went 

aboard  the  W.  Pitt,'Indiaman,  to  see  young  C ,  and 

gave  him  the  best  advice  I  could.  Received  a  letter  from 
E.  just  such  an  one  as  has  often  refreshed  me.  The 
wind  becoming  fair  about  the  middle  of  the  day,  a  signal 
was  made  for  sailing.  I  went  ashore  to  get  some  things, 
and  returned  just  as  the  anchor  was  up.  In  one  minute 
we  were  under  weigh,  and  sailed  out  of  the  harbour  with 
a  fidr  wind  and  fine  weather.  My  spirits  much  better, 
but  I  want  to  live  nearer  to  God,  and  to  find  him  my 
all-satisfying  portion. 

September  1.  (Sunday.)  A  very  melancholy  sabbath. 
From  the  swell  last  night,  I  was  so  tossed  in  my  cot, 
that  I  got  scarcely  any  sleep.  Soon  after  I  rose,  and 
before  breakfast,  in  great  faintness  and  fever,  began  to 

X  2 


308  JOURNAL.  [1805 

be,  and  continued  very  ill  the  whole  morning,  and  indeed 
the  whole  day  ;  got  into  my  cot  about  seven,  and  being 
a  little  more  at  ease,  sought  communion  with  God.  At 
different  times  of  the  night  as  I  lay  awake,  I  experienced 
the  consolations  of  God,  not  so  great  as  to  give  me  joy, 
but  enabling  me  to  suffer  with  tranquillity.  Upon  the 
whole,  I  have  reason  to  adore  his  mercy,  that  my  spirit 
has  not  been  so  tried  as  this  day  three  weeks.  But  my 
anguish  at  times  was  inexpressible,  when  I  awoke  from 
my  disturbed  dreams,  to  find  myself  actually  on  my 
way,  with  a  long  sea  rolling  between  me  and  all  that  I 
hold  dear  in  this  life.  Death  throughout  the  day  ap- 
peared very  desirable.  I  longed  to  die,  rather  even 
than  to  be  well  and  with  my  friends.  Death  was  the 
best  consolation  I  could  find,  as  I  had  not  enough  of 
the  presence  of  my  heavenly  friend  to  be  able  to  rejoice 
at  suffering  for  him. 

2.  Still  sick.  Passed  a  good  part  of  the  morning 
in  meditation  and  prayer  over  Isaiah  Ix.  and  Ixvi.  The 
promises  respecting  the  church,  and  the  future  joy 
of  every  member  of  it  in  heaven,  were  applied  with 
sweetness  and  consolation  to  my  fainting  spirit.  The 
conversation  in  the  afternoon,  in  the  cuddy,  tmning 
upon  swearing,  I  had  an  opportunity  of  speaking  on  the 
subject.  The  poor  people  are  all  so  sick  as  well  as 
myself,  that  there  is  no  reading  to  them  yet.  The  swell 
increased  so  much  towards  evening,  that  I  soon  got  into 
my  cot  to  keep  myself  from  sickness.  Still  able  to 
pray  at  intervals  to  the  blessed  God. 

3.  A  day  of  bitterness  and  distress.  To  describe  the 
variety  of  perplexing,  heart-rending,  agonizing  thoughts, 
&c.^  Coming  into  my  cabin  I  took  up  one  of 
the  volumes  of  the  Cheap  Repository,  and  found 
several  things  very  suitable.  The  conversion  of  Gamba 
.affected  me  in  an  extraordinary  manner ;  I  had  a  deep 
impression  made  upon  me  of  the  misery  of  mankind. 
The  story  of  the  fair-weather  sailor  delineated  my  cha- 
racter, I  thought,  too  truly.     The  shepherd  of  Salisbury 

^  Vide  Memoir. 


18Q5]  JOURNAL.  309 

Plain  made  me  ashamed  of  myself.  What  I  suffer  is 
only  the  common  evils  of  life.  The  Lord  have  mercy 
upon  me !  it  is  all  I  can  say.  I  would  rather  be  cut  in 
pieces  than  deny  my  Saviour,  by  forsaking  this  part  of 
his  work,  which  he  assigned  me  ;  and  yet,  with  a  heart 
so  full  of  corruption,  there  is  nothing  too  pitiful  for  me 
to  do.  After  dinner,  got  nigh  to  God  in  prayer,  but  it 
was  like  stepiming  a  torrent.  If  I  got  on  a  little,  I  was 
presently  carried  back  where  I  left  off.  My  soul  was 
influenced  with  something  of  ardour  to  be  doing  the 
Lord's  work :  I  never  fdt  such  a  marked  sensibility ; 
my  present  languor,  not  arising  from  repeated  sickness, 
disposes  me  to  think  I  shall  never  live  to  see  India  ;  or 
it  is  the  confinement  of  this  crowded  ship  which  dis- 
agrees with  me.  Respecting  life  I  am  not  anxious* 
There  is  only  reason  to  fear  lest  the  Lord  in  wrath 
should  send  me  back  as  unworthy  to  proceed  on  so  high 
an  errand.  But  O  may  he  rather  graciously  fit  me  for 
it,  if  it  be  his  will.  After  being  on  board  seven  weeks, 
and  tumbling  so  much  on  a  heavy  sea,  we  are  no 
further  on  than  the  latitude  of  the  Lizard,  and  not  yet 
to  the  west  of  Ireland.  But  were  I  blessed  with  a 
humble  contented  mind,  as  I  desire  to  be,  no  earthly 
trifles  would  move  me.  "  I  have  learnt  in  whatever 
state  I  am,  therewith  to  be  content,"  &c.  *'  I  can  do 
all  things  through  Christ  which  strengtheneth  me."  At 
night  I  resolved,  in  the  strength  of  God,  to  make  an  effort 
to  rise  above  present  afflictions,  and  be  happy  and  con- 
tented in  God.     Felt  much  returning  joy  and  peace. 

4.  I  was  taught  in  my  prayer  to-day  the  necessity 
of  living  by  faith.  It  was  a  relief  to  my  soul  to  declare 
to  God  my  utter  insufficiency  for  all  good,  and  that 
therefore  my  hope  for  ever  obtaining  contentment  and 
joy  in  his  service,  must  be  the  gracious  gift  of  his  Holy 
Spirit ;  and  with  this  I  felt  a  very  serene  and  calm  assu- 
rance that  God  would  work  all  my  works  in  me,  that  I 
should  be  created  anew  in  Christ  Jesus,  unto  good 
works.  Read  the  Galatians  and  meditated.  It  was 
then  suggested  to  me, — Think  no  more  of  any  thing  but 


310  JOURNAL.  [1805 

suffering  in  this*  life,  you  are  an  exile  from  your  native 
country  and  friends,  think  not  of  seeing  theai  any  more. 

Major  D had  been  giving  me  an  account  of  what 

would  be  my  situation  in  India.  I  sat  musing  upon  it 
on  deck,  without  being  able  to  find  one  single  ray  of 
comfort,  but  what  should  come  from  the  presence  of 
God.  It  was  now  in  vain  to  look  forward  to  any  thing 
upon  earth.  In  mute  astonishment  therefpre  I  looked 
forward  and  surveyed  the  scene.  The  pleasures  and 
comforts  of  this  life,  such  as  are  allowed  to  God's 
children,  from' them  you  are  entirdy  excluded.  After  a 
little  time,  I  quietly  looked  upon  this  as  my  p<Htion, 
and  made  up  my  mind  to  expect  nothing  but  s^ering 
every  day.  The  thought  was  not  so  overwhelming,  but 
it  solemnized  my  mind  most  exceedingly,  and  I  felt 
weaned  from  the  world  to  a  degree  I  never  experienced 
before.  Read  the  Pilgrim's  Progress  in  the  afternoon 
to  the  soldiers.  Read  Dows  Hindoostan.  M'K. 
read  to  me  several  chapters  in  Revelations ;  felt  very  ill. 
Oh,  this  mortal  dying  frame!  When  shall  this  cor- 
ruptiUe  put  on  incorruption,  and  this  mortal^  immor- 
tality ? 

5.  Rose  without  strength  or  spirits  to  dress  myself, 
As  long  as  I  could  sit  in  my  cabin,  I  passed  the  time, 
about  three  hours,  in  reading  and  prayer.  I  found  many 
of  the  psalms  in  exact  unison  with  my  feelings,  and 
this  was  a  great  comfort  to  me,  as  I  found  that  some  of 
the  children  of  God  had  been  in  as  distressed  circum- 
stances. The  rest  of  the  morning,  stood  in  the  air,  in  a 
sort  of  patient  stupidity,  very  sick  and  cold.  The 
wind  was  blowing  a  heavy  gale,  accompanied  with  rain. 
At  dinner  the  ship  heeled  so  much,  and  the  wind  was 
so  high,  that  one  or  two  of  the  offica^  were  evidently 
much  alarmed  ;  on  account  of  the  numbers  present  I 
could  not  well  speak  to  them.  In  the  afternoon  I  could 
do  nothing  but  sit  holding  my  head  in  my  cabin.  Here  I 
was  assaulted  with  a  sense  of  guilt,  lest  I  was  giving  way 
to  laziness  in  not  stirring  up  myself  to  pray  and  labour 
for  God.     After  tend  revived  considerably  in  my  spirit. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  311 

Talked  very  closdy  to  my  servant.  Mr.  —  coining 
in,  I  read  an  account  of  Brainerd^s  death,  and  some 
hymns,  which  so  much  refreshed  me,  that  I  could  hold 
up  my  head  again.  Afterwards  alone ;  read  some  chap- 
ters  in  Revelations,  and  determined  to  endeavour  to 
improve  the  present  season  of  danger,  by  going  into  the 
cuddy  after  supper,  which  I  did,  but  as  the  weather  was 
become  rather  more  moderate,  the  conversation  was  not 
at  all  about  the  gale.  However  I  had  occasion  to  men- 
tion to the  real  cause  of  the  fears  we  have  of  death, 

and  the  remedy.  In  my  prayer  before  this  I  saw  reason 
to  be  humbled  for  the  vain-glorious  desire  I  had  shewn 
to  manifest  my  contempt  of  death,  but  now  I  found  it 
impossible  to  approach  God  but  as  the  most  abject  of 
creatures.  My  grief  is,  that  I  cannot  have  my  affections 
set  upon  things  above.  The  world  in  a  particular  form 
has  a  hold  upon  my  soul,  and  the  spiritual  conflict  is 
consequently  dreadful.  Nothing  but  such  assurances 
as  that,  '^  Without  me  ye  can  do  nothing,"  could 
support  me  from  sinking  to  deep  despondency.  God 
will  not  cast  off  his  people.  I  am  now  in  the  fire, 
fighting  hard ;  Oh  for  strengdi  to  carry  me  through ! 
Outward  and  inward  trials  threaten  to  destroy  me,  but 
I  will  put  my  trust  in  God.  ''  I  shall  yet  praise  him,  who 
is  the  health  of  my  countenance  and  my  God."  The 
wind  continues  blowing  violently  from  the  south  west, 
(i.  e.)  direcdy  in  our  teeth.  Our  course  being  westerly, 
we  are  scarcely  a  degree  south  of  the  Lizard,  though 
some  way  to  the  west  of  Ireland.  At  the  close  of  day 
all  the  rest  of  the  fleet  were  almost  out  of  sight,  ours 
being  the  heaviest  sailor  of  all.  We  shall  meet  them 
again  indeed  at  Madeira,  the  appointed  rendezvous,  but 
we  are  in  danger  of  being  taken. 

6.  The  storm  continued  to  increase  during  the 
night.  Two  of  the  sails  were  torn'  to  pieces.  The 
violence  of  the  wind  in  the  rigging,  and  the  confusion 
on  deck  prevented  my  sleep.  About  four  in  the  morn- 
ing M'K.  came  and  sat  in  my  cabin,  and  the  av^lness 
of  file  scene  led  us  to  a  very  solemn  conversation.     To 


312  JOURNAL.  [1805 

avoid  the  violent  tossing  of  the  ship  I  continued  in  my 
cot.  When  he  went  away  I  lay  and  endeavoured  to 
realize  my  speedy  appearance  before  God  in  judgment. 
I  was  not  long  without  sorrowful  convictions  of  my 
sinfulness,  and  renewed  my  supplications  for  mercy  in 
the  name  of  Jesus  ;  I  had  no  doubts  of  the  willingness 
of  God  to  save  me ;  but  an  assured  hope.  I  felt  peaceful, 
.and  on  the  whole  desirous  to  depart ;  but  no  joy.  I 
was  chiefly  led  to  think  of  the  many  poor  souls  in  the  ship, 
and  for  their  sakes  to  pray  that  they  might  have  longer 
time  for  repentance,  and  that  the  terrors  of  this  night 
might  be  of  lasting  benefit.  At  the  same  time  the 
thought  of  them  reminded  me  of  my  own  lukewarmness 
and  unfaithfulness,  but  all  this  only  made  me  feel  more 
deeply  the  necessity  of  the  Redeemer's  righteousness. 
When  I  got  up  we  were  going  under  bare  poles,  the  sea 
covered  with  so  thick  a  mist,  from  the  spray  and  rain, 
*  that  nothing  could  be  seen  but  the  tops  of  the  nearest 
waves,  which  seemed  to  be  running  even  with  the 
windward  side  of  the  ship.  I  was  again  faint  with 
sickness ;  on  getting  up  continued  upon  deck,  and  found 

an  opportunity  of  talking  a  good  deal  to  M who  was 

much  terrified  ;  but  after  pointing  out  the  way  of  salva^ 
tion,  I  found  he  doubted  the  truth  of  Christianity  itself. 
Continued  very  sick  during  the  day.  At  night,  when 
the  wind  abated,  read  Whitfield's  journal,  and  ob- 
serving how  he  acted  on  such  an  occasion,  I  was  cut  by 
it  to  the  heart,  at  the  sense  of  my  lukewarmness.  Once 
more  I  struggled,  determined  to  rise,  through  God, 
above  the  body,  the  flesh,  and  the  world,  to  a  life  of 
ardour  and  devotedness  to  God. 

Next  morning,  was  very  sick,  insomuch  that  I  was 
obliged  to  stay  upon  deck  in  the  crowd ;  in  prayer  my 
corruption  seemed  to  be  like  a  mountain  pressing  upon 
me.  As  for  the  -world,  I  detested  it,  for  being  the  cause 
of  my  plague,  but  could  not  get  the  love  of  it  out  of  my 
heart.  I  could  not  find  my  supreme  pleasure  in  being 
separated  from  all  things  unto  the  gospel  of  God,  and 
thus  my  spiritual  conflict  was   agonizing  beyond  mea- 


1805]  JOURNAL.  313 

sure.  Beginning  to  grow  quite  outrageous  with  myself, 
and  like  a  wild  bull  in  a  net,  I  saw  plainly  this  was 
coming  to  nothing,  and  so  in  utter  despair  of  working 
any  deliverance  for  myself,  I  simply  cast  myself  upon 
Jesus  Christ,  praying  that  if  it  were  possible,  something 
of  a  change  might  be  wrought  in  my  heart.  Though  I 
was  a  little  earnest  in  the  aftenlbon,  the  sense  of  my 
constant  unprofitableness  made  me  more  miserable 
than  ever,  and  my  soul  was  fast  departing  in  unbelief 
from  the  living  God.  Thus  the  Lord  vouchsafed  to  me  a 
sense  of  my  danger,  and  I  began  to  consider,  What  can 
this  end  in  ?  if  I  am  really  in  anguish  for  the  low  state 
of  my  soul,  what  hinders  me  from  rising  ?  why  do  not  I 
make  a  struggle  and  cry  with  power  to  God? — so  I  did  this 
day,  (not  on  my  knees,  for  my  cabin  was  floating  with 
water,  which  had  broken  in  at  the  port-hole)  and  God  in 
a  measure  answered  my  prayer.  I  walked  the  deck  in 
great  haste,  for  I  have  to  strive  against  stupor  of  body 
almost  as  much  as  against  that  of  the  mind :  I  repeated 
and  meditated  on  Eph.  i.  1 1 .  and  kept  doing  so  notwith* 
standing  "whatever  I  heard  or  saw,  and  this  activity  of 
mind  on  spiritual  things  was  made  a  blessing.  Meeting 
with  Corporal  R.  I  talked  to  him,  but  was  grieved  to 
find  how  little  he  seemed  to  relish  serious  conversation  ; 
but  however,  I  have  learnt,  I  hope,  to  make  allowance  for 
the  weak.  Tolerably  comfortable  in  mind  the  rest  of 
the  evening.  M*K.  lounged  with  me  the  finest  part 
of  the  eviening,  when  I  was  expecting  a  season  of  com- 
fortable reading  and  prayer;  I  was  beginning  to  be 
vexed,  but  I  checked  my  chagrin,  and  read  some  chap- 
ters and  hymns  to  him. 

8.  (Sunday.)  Rose  in  nearly  the  same  state  as  on 
preceding  days,  sick  in  body  and  wounded  in  spirit. 
However,  thought  I,  now  is  the  time  for  struggling. . 
In  prayer  I  was  led  away,  from  my  own  corruptions  to 
the  more  refreshing  subject  of  God*s  church  and  minis- 
ters. About  the  time  when  I  expected  service,  I  went 
upon  the  poop,  but  the  sailors  were  all  at  work,  and  the 
boatswain  swearing  at  them.     My  heart  was  agonized 


314  JOUANAL.  [1805 

with  my  situation  among  tlie  imgodly,  compared  with 
that  of  the  Christian  societies  upon  shore.  The  weather 
was  fine,  and  the  fleet  all  around  in  crowded  sail,  made 
a  fine  appearance,  but  to  a  discontented  mind  nothing 
is  agreeable.  Went  below  again,  and  read  several  chap- 
ters of  the  Acts,  with  much  profit  and  comfort.  When 
I  went  to  take  my  Acercise  on  deck,  I  resolved  to  fight 
hard  against  my  dejection,  and  truly  a  hard  conflict  I 
had  of  it  for  two  hours  ;  I  was  afraid  to  let  my  thoughts 
dwdl  upon  the  outward  scene  for  a  moment,  or  npon 
England,  or  friends,  which  would  have  made  the  mat- 
ter worse.  But  by  reciting  scripture,  I  strove  to  keep 
my  thoughts  incessantly  engaged  in  divine  things; 
though  I  could  not  obtain  joy,  I  was  oonscious  <^  doing 
right ;  and  tliat  painful  as  it  was,  thus  to  struggle  up  hill, 
was  the  appointed  narrow  way.  However,  much  of  this 
depression  arises  from  the  body.  At  five,  we  had  divine 
service,  I  read  the  thanksgiving  for  deliverance  from 
storm.  Preached  on  Gal.  iii.  10.  The  soldiers  not  very 
attentive.  B— — ^  and  the  officers  began  to  ridicule  it 
instantly,  and  left  the  deck.  I  did  not  feel* the  least 
irritated  at  their  conduct,  but  was  cheered  by  our 
Lord's  words,  "  If  they  have  kept  my  saying,  they 
will  keep  yours  also."  Read  Lei^ton  on  Peter 
to-day,  and  found  every  sentence  almost  applicable 
to  my  case ;  I  almost  thought  it  good  to  be  in  tribula- 
tion, to  have  such  precious  truths  appropriated  to  me. 
In  the  evening  read  the  Revelation  with  greater  peace 
of  mind  and  derotedness*to  God. 

9.  At  last  the  Lord  hath  appeared  for  the  comfort 
of  his  creature.  In  prayer,  launched  sweetly  into 
eternity,  and  found  joy  unspeakable  in  thinking  of  my 
future  rest,  and  the  boundless  love  and  joy  I  should  for 
ever  taste  in  His  beloved  presence  hereafter  ;  I  found  no 
difficulty,  as  generally,  to  stir  jnyself  up  to  the  contem- 
plation of  heaven,  but  my  soul,  through  grace,  realized 
it,  and  delighted  to  dwell  by  faith,  in  those  blissful 
scenes.  Now,  why  cannot  my  soul  be  always  in  hea- 
ven ?    Dearest  Lord,  there  is  nothing  on  earth  worthy 


1803]  JQUKNAL.  315 

of  a  moment's  co&cem,  thy  work  may  be  prosecuted  best 
by  my  soul's  remaining  in  heaven.  The  tnmscendent 
sweetness  of  the  privilege  of  being  always  with  God 
would  appear  to  me  too  great,  were  it  not  for  the  blessed 
oommand,  '*  Set  your  ad9fectk>ns  on  things  above/'  &c. 
"  For  your  life  is  hid  with  Christ  in  God." — ^Life  hid 
in  God  !  In  my  walk  on  deck  found  it  necessary  to 
watch  and  pray,  kst  I  should  sink  into  dissatisfactioo. 
Endeavoured  to  keep  in  mind  that  the  little  trifling 
*  occurrences  and  changes  which  took  place  around  me, 
had  no  concern  with  me,  and  that,  considering  the  great 
work  God  had  put  upon  me,  I  ought  to  be  hourly  con- 
sidering how  eminently  I  should  be  a  man  of  prayer, 
thought,  and  heavenly-mindedness.  After  dinner,  went 
below  deck,  and  found  at  first  but  few ;  for  as  the 
weather  grows  fine  and  warmer,  they  are  up  in  the  air. 
I  waited  some  time  and  nobody  came ;  I  went  away  for 
a  litde  time  to  get  a  book  for  a  woman,  who  refused  it ; 
reproved  a  soldier  for  swearing,  and  felt  hurt  at  the  in- 
solence of  another,  who  ridiculed  it  just  as  I  turned  my 
back.  Determined  not  to  be  discouraged  by  the  n^- 
lect  of  the  soldiers  ;  and  so  when  I  went  down  again,  I 
began  to  read  to  about  three,  and  my  hearers  soon  in- 
creased. My  heart  was  oiften  very  full,  in  describing  the 
way  of  salvation  by  Christ,  and  the  happiness  of  finking 
it.  In  the  evening,  had  sweet  access  to  God.  My 
chief  conca-n  was  that  this  season  of  peace,  &c.  (See 
Memoir.) 

10.  Sickness  this  morning  was  about  to  bring  on 
discontent  and  peevishness,  but  I  presently  recollected  that 
it  was  my  business  to  be  faithful  and  happy  in  every  con- 
dition. Endeavoured  to  consider  what  should  be  my 
study,  &c.  (See  Memoir.)  Walked  on  deck  with  Ma- 
jor £>.  He  told  me  I  should  find  nothing  wanting  in 
India,  but  a  partner.  This  was  to  me  a  very  unwelcome 
piece  of  advice ;  for  though  I  am  greatly  delivered 
from  all  desires  of  a  worldly  nature  at  this  time,  his 
words  recalled  many  thoughts  of  Lydia,  ifi^ich  I  could 
not  remove  so  easily  as  I  wbhed. 


316  JOURNAL.  [1805 

11.  Enjoyed  the  blessed  presence  of  Grod  in  prayer, 
great  deadness  to  the  world,  and  happy  meditation 
on  eternity.  In  my  walk  upon  deck,  the  Lord  kept 
my  heart  in  general  above  the  influence  of  the  idle 
occurrences  and  passing  scenes  around  me,  and  I  looked 
forward  with  contentment  and  pleasure,  to  living 
among  none  but  Mussulmans  and  Hindoos,  to  which  I 
feel  at  times  strong  reluctance.  Read  Hindoostanee  ;  at 
dinner,  many  spiritual  thoughts  were  suggested  to  my 
soul.  I  looked  forward  with  delight  to  the  time,  when 
the  body  would  no  more  need  to  be  fed  with  corrupting 
food,  but  would  be  changed  and  made  like  the  glorious 
body  of  Christ.  In  the  afternoon  looked  over  Vince's 
Astronomy  till  it  was  time  to  go  below ;  prayer  would 
have  been  a  better  preparation  for  reading  to  them,  for 
the  immediate  effect  of  considering  some  things  in 
astronomy  was  an  extraordinary  coldness  of  heart 
towards  divine  things  and  religious  duties :  but  reading 
to  the  poor  people  presently  warmed  me  again  ;  my  few 
hearers  now,  I  observe,  are  generally  the  same  persons, 
which  I  am  glad  of.     In  the  evening  thought  to  finish 

a  few  calculations  before  prayer ;  but  M*K coming 

in,  prevented,  and  thus  the  time,  which  I  find  most 
profitable,  was  lost.  He  stayed  a  long  time  con- 
versing on  religion.  He  grows  visibly  in  grace.  He 
now  reads  the  Scriptures  aloud  in  the  cabin,  and  has 
one  or  two  to  hear  him.  At  night  had  a  solemn  season 
of  prayer,  in  which  my  eyes  were  a  little  opened  to  con- 
sider the  holy  examples  of  John  the  Baptist  and  St. 
Paul.  Oh,  that  I  might  be  taught  and  strengthened  to 
become  such  a  holy,  self-denying,  spiritual  minister  and 
missionary.  Before  going  to  bed,  read  Milner's  sermon 
on  fasting.  I  have  no  doubt  of  the  usefulness  of 
separate  seasons  of  fasting  and  prayer,  though  my  flesh 
seemed  to  shrink  from  it  at  present,  as  if  it  were  too 
much  for  my  strength  ;  yet  past  experience  encourages^ 
me,  and  David  Brainerd's  advice.  What  a  quickening 
example  has  he  often  been  to  me,  especially  on  this  ac- 
count, that  he  was  of  a  weak  and  sickly  constitution. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  '    317 

12.  An  unhappy  day,  made  so  through  negligence. 
Had  a  happy  season  of  morning  prayer  as  usual,  but 
wasted  much  of  the  rest  of  the  morning  in  calculations, 
though  I  knew  it  ought  to  have  been  in  composition. 
In  my  walk  alone  on  deck,  I  found  it  hard  to  keep  from 
my  former  unbelieving  thoughts.  After  dinner  found 
myself  dull ;  and  unfit  for  the  service  of  God.  This 
wounded  my  peace  deeply :  I  was  almost  ashamed  to 
appear  in  the  presence  of  God.  With  shame  and  humi- 
liation, I  read  to  the  soldiers  below ;  in  prayer  after- 
wards, in  vain  did  I  pray  to  enjoy  the  sweetness  of  eter- 
nity ;  my  soul  seemed  left  to  its  own  stupidity,  and  God 
to  have  hidden  his  face.  After  reading  a  portion  of  Scrip- 
ture, I  began,  after  some  deliberation,  to  write  sermon ; 
and  though  I  made  little  progress,  I  felt  more  satisfied 
at  night,  as  having  been  in  the  path  of  duty.  How 
debasing  is  sin ;  it  separates  the  soul  from  God,  and 
leaves  it  to  grovel  on  earth  in  misery. 

13.  My  soul  tasted  much  of  the  love  of  God  in 
prayer  this  morning,  and  rose  in  the  desire  and  hope  of 
continuing  in  it  all  day.  I  was  disposed  to  ask  with  the 
bride,  from  my  constant  expectation  of  soon  losing 
spiritual  fervour:  **  Tell  me,  O  thou  whom  my  soul 
loveth,  where  thou  feedest,  where  thou  makest  thy 
flock  to  rest  at  noon,  for  why  should  I  become  as  one 
that  tumeth  aside  by  the  flocks  of  thy  companions  ? '' 
Why  should  I  give  way,  and  suffer  my  thoughts  to  be 
led  by  outward  occurrences  ?  Employed  about  sermon 
with  rather  greater  sobriety  and  seriousness  than  in 
general.  In  my  walk  on  deck,  &c.  (Mem.  Page  125.) 
I  retired  to  pray  for  them  and  myself.  I  could  willingly 
have  fasted  with  them,  were  it  not  that  such  conduct  in 
me  on  this  particular  day,  would  have  been  remarked. 

14.  Was  again  favoured  with  a  sense  of  the  love  of 
God  in  prayer  this  morning.  When  I  rose  I  was  very 
feeble  and  dejected,  but  was  refreshed  by  remembering 
that  my  body  and  soul  are  Christ's,  and  that  when  he  shall 
call  me  away,  *'  this  corruption  shall  put  on  incorruption, 
and  this  mortal  put  on  immortality."     In  my  walk  had 


318     "  JOURNAL.  1805] 

little  opportunity  of  reflection,  as  there  were  so  many  on 
deck,  and  one  and  another  joined  me ;  to  Captain  J. 
I  declared  what  I  thought  the  will  of  God  about  dud- 
ling.  After  dinner  all  the  men  were  paraded  on  the 
quarter  deck,  to  hear  the  decision  of  the  court  martial 
on  one  of  the  mutinous  soldiers,  which  was  his  acquittal. 
Some  of  the  articles  of  war  were  read.  This  left  me  no 
time  for  reading  to  them.  The  rest  of  the  evening  con- 
tinued writing,  with  my  mind  low,  but  solemn ;  finding 
a  sweet  relidT  at  intervals,  to  stop  and  try  to  have  a 
foretaste  of  heavenly  glory.  Walked  at  night  on  deck, 
while  they  were  at  supper,  and  found  the  time  and  scene 
favourable  to  serious  and  solemn  meditation.  I  seemed 
to  have  no  prospect  in  my  heart,  of  ever  taking  up  my 
rest  in  this  life,  but  was  resigned,  and  pleased  at  being 
altogether  for  another  world.  Read  at  night  some  chap* 
ters  of  Revelation  in  the  Greek  Testament. 

15.  (Sunday.)  He  that  testifieth  these  things,  &c. 
(See  Memoir  p.  126^)  As  I  read  the^e  words  in  the 
Greek  Testament  to  night,  they  struck  my  mind  much. 
Though  I  have  enjoyment  at  present  through  mercy,  yet 
I  think  I  could  humbly  say  with  the  bdoved  divine, 
when  the  Lord  says  to  me,  Epp^o/tAat, — Nai  cp^  KiS^u  Intn, 
The  glory  of  the  heavenly  Jerusalem  appeared  so  enrap*- 
turing^  about  verse  21 ,  23,  that  I  said,  almost  in  imbe* 
lief.  Let  me  truly  find  these  things  to  be  ftilfilled  to  my 
soul  when  I  die.  The  words  directly  after  came  in  as  a 
security,   *'  And  the  nations  of  them  which  are    saved 

shall  walk  in  the  light  of  it."     B said  immediately 

after  service,  *  Mr.  Martyn  sends  us  to  hell  every  Sunday.' 
I  was  astonished  at  this,  as  I  mentioned  our  condition  by 
the  law  very  slightly,  **  but  we  have  piped  unto  you, 

and  ye  have  not  danced."     Talking  witli  Mr.  V , 

who  told  me  of  this,  I  was  surprised  to  see  how  con- 
fused his  views  were  of  the  way  of  salvation,  and  I  was 
even  more  struck  with  the  necessity  of  divine  illumina- 
tion, when  I  consider  that  serious  persons,  clever  and 
sensible,  are  sometimes  so  slow  in  coming  to  any  thing 
like  an  accurate  apprehension  of  divine  truth.     How 


1805]  JOUBNAL.  319 

Ktde  did  I  myself  see  of  the  glory  of  the  gospel  tiit 
lately.  Prayed  after  sermon  in  my  cabin,  but  found  my 
thoughts  too  much  excited  to  fix  calmly  on  spiritual 
things,  and  so  I  walked  out  with  some  pain  and  humili- 
ation.    Had  a  long  conversation  with  Major  D ; 

from  his  great  anxiety  and  extraordinary  humility  in 
being  willing  to  receive  instruction  from  me,  (indeed  he 
seems  to  think  me  almost  infallible)  I  was  very  earnest. 
With  the  utmost  possible  plainness,  in  every  variety  of 
expression  and  illustration,  did  I  endeavour  to  pcHnt  out 
the  difference  between  the  way  of  salvation  by  the  law 
and  by  the  gospel.  Yet  without  making  objections,  his 
mind  seemed  to  continue  in  darkness.  I  next  had  con- 
versation with ,  one  of  the  cadets,  who  appeared  to 

seek  it.  He  seems  very  well  disposed,  I  offered  him 
instruction  in  mathematics  and  classics,  which  he  ac- 
cepted. Next  with  the  chief  mate,  commending  his 
leaving  off  swearing,  which  I  observe  is  already  the 
case.  I  reminded  him  of  the  necessity  of  putting  off  the 
old  man,  and  being  renewed,  &c.  He  is  one  of  the 
worthiest  men  in  the  ship,  but  we  cannot  continue  long 
on  religion :  he  is  so  soon  out  oif  his  depth,  he  said  he 
always  avoided  anger,  ever  since  he  heard  a  sermon  on 
the  subject,  the  fiaest  he  ever  heard,  one  Wednesday  at 
St.  Ann's,  Blackfriars.  Went  below  in  hopes  of  read- 
ing Baxter's  Call  to  the  Unconverted,  but  there  was  no 
getting  down,  as  they  were  leaking  out  water,  so  I  sat 
with  the  seamen  on'  the  gun-deck,  in  the  boatswain's 
birth ;  at  the  request  of  one  of  them,  I  gave  them  a 
Bible,  two  Testaments,  Baxter's  Call,  and  some  Tracts, 
for  one  mess  consisting  of  six.  As  I  sat  there,  I  had  a 
long  and  close  conversation  with  the  carpenter,  who 
wished  to  appear  better  informed  than  the  rest ;  he 
would  not  bdieve  that  he  was  not  safe  in  acting  accor- 
ding to  his  own  good  thoughts :  the  ship's  steward, 
whom  I  formerly  spoke  to  for  swearing,  and  received  a 
disrespectfiil  answer,  used  the  same  expression  ;  I  re- 
proved him  again,  and  received  the  same  answer,  that 
in  his  own  thoughts  be  was  innocent,  for  he  meant 


320  JOURNAL.  [1805 

nothing.  I  told  him  that  his  sin  was  in  mentioning  those 
words  without  meaning  anything.  This  seemed  to 
strike  him  very  forcibly.  Coming  up,  I  met  the  purser 
who  was  ill ;  I  presendy  began  with  him,  and  taUced  a 

considerable  time  ;  next  with  Serjeant  C ,  but  could 

not  go  on  long,  as  the  soldiers  began  to  gather  round 
us,    too  near  the  quarter-deck ;    lastly  with  Corporal 

B ,  who  seemed  to  be  in  a  very  low  state.     I  can 

get  nothing  from  him,  poor  fellow  ;  I  hardly  know  what 
difficulties  he  may  have  to  contend  with.  As  I  walked 
in  the  evening  at  sun-set,  I  thought  with  pleasure,  '  but 
few  more  suns,  and  I  shall  be  where  my  sun  shall  no 
more  go  down.'  My  dear  Lydia,  my  sister,  and  all  the 
dear  saints  in  England,  I  can  be  content  to  see  no 
more  :  I  have  nothing  to  do,  but  to  attend  diligently  to 
my  work,  since  '*  the  day  of  redemption  draweth  nigh.'* 
After  tea  in  prayer,  the  work  of  a  missionary  before  me, 
was  as  is  in  general,  the  occasion  of  a  very  serious 
impression  on  my  mind.  Oh,  that  in  the  actiial  labour 
and  suffering,  I  may  see  its  excellence. 

16.  Two  things,^  &c.  The  flesh  seemed  very  un- 
willing to  submit  to  such  self-denial,  especially  as  the 
bodily  frame,  from  weakness,  seems  scarcely  able  to 
support  it;  however,  I  can  but  try.  In  my  walk  on 
deck,  my  flesh  seemed  again  to  shrink  very  much  from 
fasting  and  prayer.  Learnt  a  few  hymn  tunes  on  the 
flute,  some  of  which  recalled  the  assemblies  of  the  saints 
at  Cambridge.  In  the  evening  began  to  pray  as  in  the 
morning,  with  great  barrenness,  but  I  continued,  relying 
on  his  covenant  mercy,  ^  Lord,  to  whom  shall  I  go,' 
must  be  my  constant  cry.  The  necessity  and  excellency 
of  my  mission  work,  appeared  so  strong,  that  I  set 
about  the  language  with  great  earnestness  and  delight. 

17.  A  very  happy  season  in  prayer  this  morning, 
much  of  praise  and  love :  began  to  learn  the  use  of  the 
navigation  tables,  and  the  practical  method  of  astrono- 
miccd  observations.  As  I  began  it  with  the  belief  of  its 
utility,  I  left  off  without  injury  to  my  spirit ;  received 

^  Vide  Memoir,  p.  127. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  321 

W.  and  M.  with  their  Euclid.  In  the  morning  M*K — 
and  the  surgeon  came  to  my  cabin ;  I  read  to  them 
Augustine's  Confessions,  from  Milner.  When  they 
were  gone,  I  was  assisted  in  getting  my  thoughts  fixed 
in  prayer.  I  seemed  at  a  long  distance  from  the  earth, 
and  time,  and  near  the  blessed  God.  My  soul  spoke 
freely  of  its  wants,  particularly  of  the  life  of  faith  in 
Christ,  and  walking  happily  in  him,  and  with  him. 
Spent  the  rest  of  the  night  in  thinking  of  Col.  ii.  6,  not 
with  much  success,  but  profited  by  my  thoughts  being 
summoned  to  aim  at  so  spiritual  a  subject.  Studied 
again  Rom.  iv.  in  order  to  discover  the  Christian  mo- 
tives, and  found  great  insight  into  it.  Oh  may  I  walk  in 
great  humility,  and  if  I  increase  in  knowledge,  may  I 
remain  also  in  lowliness  of  spirit !  It  began  to  blow  hard 
again ;  the  calmness  and  pleasure  with  which  I  contem- 
plated death  rather  made  me  fear  I  did  not  fear  it  enough. 
18.  Having  had  little  or  no  sleep  in  the  night  past, 
through  the  motion  of  the  ship,  rose  ill  and  continued 
so  all  day.  Stood  upon  deck  most  of  the  morning ; 
tried  to  encourage  myself  in  the  Lord ;  but  had  little 
fixedness  of  thought ;  yet,  through  mercy,  had  none  of 
those  heart-rending  desires  after  tibis  world,  which  I  had 
before  suffered  under.  At  intervals  read  the  Song  of 
Solomon,  and  Milner,  but  head-ache  and  sickness  would 
not  allow  of  continuance  in  reading.  Looking  at  the 
sea,  my  soul  was  enabled  to  rejoice  in  the  great  maker 
of  it,  as  my  Grod,  and  I  thought  so  long  and  so  forcibly 
on  the  happiness  of  the  blessed  state  hereafter,  that  I 
almost  began  to  doubt  whether  it  were  not  too  good  to 
be  true  :  the  rest  of  the  day  read  when  I  could.  Read 
Ephesians^  **  That  Christ  may  dwell  in  your  hearts  by 
faith,'*  &c.  Why  are  these  things  continued,  if  Grod  is 
not  willing  to  bestow  them  ?  I  began  therefore  to  set 
myself  to  keep  my  thoughts  fixed  on  them,  but  passed 
insensibly  to  consider  of  the  Lord's  dealings  with  me 
the  last  four  or  five  years.  It  is  an  occasion  of  thank- 
fulness, that  I  am  more  disposed  to  labour  and  die  in 
the  service,  than  ever  I  was. 


322  JOURNAL.  [1805 

20.  (Vide  Mem.  p.  128.)  Continued  to  read  on  in 
Isaiah,  the  passages  referring  to  the  call  of  the  gentiles  ; 
that  one  in  particular,  **  I  will  not  give  my  glory  unto 
another,  nor  my  praise  unto  graven  images,*'  I  thought 
so  remarkable,  that  I  could  not  but  plead  it  with 
some  ardour,  that  God  would  fulfil  the  truth  of  it 
in  India,  which  for  numberless  ages  has  been  sunk  in 
idolatry. 

21.  (See  Memoir  p.  128.)  Passed  some  time  with 
the  astronomical  tables.  In  the  afternoon  read  Milner, 
and  had  the  young  men  as  usual. 

22.  (See  Memoir  p.  128.)  Had  some  thoughts  of 
devoting  this  day  to  prayer  and  fasting,  but  was  unde- 
cided as  to  the  latter,  whether  it  would  be  right  in  the 
present  weak  state  of  my  body,  to  omit  the  meal  of 
dinner.  Read  in  the  morning  a  good  deal  of  David 
Brainerd ;  his  dying  testimony  in  favour  of  such  occa-^ 
sional  abstinence  is  very  weighty.  I  began  to  pray, 
first  in  reference  to  my  own  soul,  that  it  might  be  made 
truly  penitent.  I  endeavoured  to  take  a  review  of  my 
life,  the  recollection  made  me  burst  into  tears.  My 
heart    was  quite  broken.     Prayed  at  length  for  my 

sister,  my  brother  R .  Dr.  J.  E.  and  Lydia.     After 

praying  nearly  two  hours,  my  heart  seemed  to  be  at  last 
reaUy  poor  and  broken,  n(Ahing  appeared  so  remarkably 
deep-rooted  and  detestable,  as  that  never-ceasing  self- 
complacency  and  esteem,  which  attended  me  amidst  all 
those  causes  of  humiliation :  I  pictured  myself  strutting 
about  the  streets  and  walks  of  Cambridge,  wrapt  in 
content,  thinking  myself  very  amiable  and  admired,  as 
much  by  others  as  by  myself.  Yes,  it  is  pride  which 
surpasses  all  my  other  sins,  hiding  from  me  the  extreme 
guilt  of  laziness  and  hikewarmness.  I  could  not  have 
borne  this  self-condemnation  without  views  of  Christ, 
and  I  was  shrinking  continually  from  the  search,  save 
when  I  applied  the  blood  of  Christ,  and  confirmed  my 
assurance  of  his  all-sufiiciency  to  save.  Oh,  that  the 
memory  of  my  iniquities  might  never  cease  from  before 
me,  while  I  sojourn  in  this  land  of  sin  and  sorrow. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  323 

Read  afterwards  Psalm  1.  and  Dan  ix.  1  Kings  xvii.  xxi. 
I  then  walked.  With  respect  to  the  enjoyment  of  time 
and  sense,  how  poor  and  worthless  do  they  appear.  We 
are  just  to  the  south  of  all  Europe,  &c.  (See  Mem. 
p.  13d.) 

24.  The  determination  with  which  I  went  to  bed 
last  night,  of  devoting  this  day  to  prayer  and  fasting,  I 
was  enabled  to  put  into  execution.  In  my  first  prayer 
for  deliverance  from  worldly  thoughts,  depending  on 
the  power  and  promises  of  God,  for  fixing  my  soul 
while  I  prayed,  I  was  helped  to  enjoy  much  abstinence 
from  the  world,  for  near  an  hour.  Then  read  the  his- 
tory of  Abraham,  to  see  how  familiarly  God  had  re* 
vealed  himself  to  mortal  men  of  old.  Afterwards,  in 
prayer  for  my  own  sanctification,  my  soul  breathed 
freely  and  ardently  after  the  hoUness  of  God,  and  this 
was  the  best  season  in  the  day.  During  my  walk,  my 
thoughts  were  heavenward,  indeed,  more  than  on  com- 
mon days,  but  not  humble  and  careful.  Endeavoured 
to  recollect  all  those  who  had  desired  my  prayers, 
and  wrote  them  down.  In  interceding  for  them,  I  was 
rather  led  to  dwell  on  young  ministers,  that  they  might 
be  stirred  up  to  go  forth  as  missionaries,  and  for  myself, 
that  I  might  have  more  firmness,  warmth,  vigour, 
energy,  and  character*  I  prayed  with  some  zeal,  but 
yet  with  little  of  the  presence  of  God  humbling  my 
heart.  M'K.  coming  in,  we  had  a  great  deal  of  con- 
versation on  the  subject  of  fasting.  I  then  went  below, 
and  b^an  Baxter's  Call  to  the  Unconverted.  Three 
of  the  cadets  came  to  me  with  Euclid.  I  sat  most  of  the 
evening,  endeavouring  to  compose  on  a  subject,  but 
seemed  quite  spent  in  body  and  mind.  I  very  much  fear 
that  the  climate,  which  is  extremely  soft  and  luxurious; 
(Lat.  35^)  produces  this  relaxation  in  my  firame,  though 
I  make  every  efibrt  against  it  K  this  should  be  tide 
case,  what  will  India  be  ? 

25.  (See  Memoir.)  The  Hindoostanee  I  learn  is 
vastly  too  fine  for  these  men.  They  not  only  very  sel- 
dom understand  my  way  of  speaking,  but  are  ignorant 

Y  2 


324  JOURNAL.  [1805 

of  many  particular  words  very  common  in  Gilchrist, 
which  are  Arabic,  I  suppose. 

26.  Read  Hindoostanee,  and  made  some  calcula- 
tions* In  the  afternoon,  not  being  able  to  go  below, 
I  continued  reading.  Began  Gilchrist's  larger  work, 
and  was  discouraged  at  the  confusion  of  it.  On  the 
poop  at  sunset,  I  had  many  happy  reflections  on  the 
heavenly  glory,  and  in  prayer  found  great  delight  in  the 
presence  of  the  blessed  Lord. 

27.  Found  much  comfort  and  benefit  in  the  Psalms. 
Proceeded  but  slowly  in  my  composition.  My  mind 
was  more  impressed  with  the  value  of  the  souls  in  the 
ship,  and  my  duty  in  striving  to  stir  up  myself  and  them, 
to  a  deep  apprehension  of  eternal  things ;  but  it  is  here 
I  feel  my  unfitness  for  a  missionary.  I  do  not  know 
how  to  push  things.  I  have  a  delicacy  about  me  which 
no  doubt  proves  ruinous  to  souls.  When  I  believe,  and 
therefore  speak,  I  shall  then  pluck  souls  as  brands  out 
of  the  burning,  with  haste.  At  present,  I  do  not,  that 
I  know  of,  shrink  from  any  known  method  of  diffusing 
the  light  of  truth,  but  I  am  not  ingenious  in  methods  ;  I 
do  not  invent  ways  and  means  in  getting  at  men.  I 
want  the  essence  of  zeal,  which  if  no  way  be  open,  will 
make  a  way.  Alas,  I  let  men  sleep,  as  li  only  in  error, 
not  as  on  the  brink  of  eternal  fire ;  yet  I  know  not  what 
can  be  done  but  to  preach,  and  to  read  to  them  as  often 
as  the  business  of  the  ship  will  permit,  and  to  converse 
with  whomsoever  I  can  get  to  join  with  me.  The  oaths 
I  hear  on  deck  move  me.  (Vide  Memoir.)  I  enjoyed 
great  peace  and  assurance  in  God,  confident  that  should 
we  be  driven  from  the  fleet  and  lost,  my  spirit  would  be 

transported  to  a  happier  world.     With  Major  L ,  I 

had  a  long  conversation  on  the  impossibility  of  convert- 
ing the  Hindoos.  I  was  not  so  anxious  to  combat  his 
arguments  as  desirous  to  say  something  for  the  convic- 
tion of  himself,  but  I  found  little  opportunity.  On  my 
return  to  the  Union,  by  the  recollection  of  the  constant 
objections  drawn  from  the  bigotry  of  the  Hindoos,  I 
was  led  to  pray  that  God  would  of  a  truth  shew  the 


1805]  JOURNAL.  326 

gospel  to  be  his  own,  by  causing  the  lighting  down  of 
his  arm  to  be  seen,  by  a  great  work  in  that  country. 
India  is  consigned  by  the  world,  to  the  irrefragable  chain 
of  Satan.  Oh  that  God  may  soon  interfere  to  remove 
her  reproach,  may  she  "  forget  the  shame  of  her  youth, 
and  not  remember  the  reproach  of  her  widowhood  any 
more."  Wrote  sermon  with  some  freedom,  but  was 
soon  interrupted  by  M'K.  to  whom  I  read  Milner ;  the 
part  I  read  was  the  mission  to  England  by  Gregory  ;  it 
interested  me  much,  and  refreshed  me  with  the  prospect 
of  something  to  take  place  in  India.  Lord,  increase  my 
zeal,  that  though  I  am  but  a  feeble  and  obscure  instru- 
ment, I  may  struggle  out  my  few  days  in  great  and 
unremitting  exertions  for  the  demolition  of  paganism, 
and  the  setting  up  of  Christ's  kingdom. 

28.  Again  permitted  to  enjoy  a  happy  abstraction 
from  the  world.  Lost  much  of  the  morning  as  to  any 
instructive  purpose,  in  getting  things  to  rights  in  my 
cabin,  and  making  preparations  for  landing  at  Madeira, 
which  it  was  thought  we  should  see  to-day.  My 
thoughts  were  very  much  engaged.     (Vide  Memoir.) 

29.  (Sunday.)  On  rising  this  morning,  soon  after 
five,  I  found  we  were  close  to  Madeira :  the  hills  pre- 
sented a  very  grand  appearance,  they  rose  almost  per- 
pendicularly from  the  sea ;  had  a  brown  tinge ;  here  and 
there  a  few  folds  of  green ;  scarcely  any  cultivation  ;  and 
a  house  here  and  there  was  to  be  seen,  like  a  white  speck 
on  the  declivity.  About  noon,  we  anchored  before 
Fundial ;  the  ship  was  one  uninterrupted  scene  of  con- 
fusion the  whole  day,  and  my  mind  was  lamentably 
distracted.  After  waiting  till  two,  without  having  any 
service,  and  being  told  there  could  be  none  on  account 
of  the  anchor's  being  to  be  weighed  again,  I  went 
ashore.  On  entering  the  parade  at  Funchal,  I  perceived 
I  was  in  a  foreign  country,  the  houses  were  all  large 
and  stately,  even  the  poorest,  and  the  middle  of  it  was 
a  walk  of  orange  trees.  The  Portuguese  carriers,  dressed 
only  in  an  open  ^irt,  and  pair  of  drawers,  untanned 
leadier  half  boots,  and  small  conical  caps,  were  bowing 


326  JOURNAL.  [1805 

and  uncovering  to  one  another  with  great  gravity  and 
respect,  &c  : — they  were  goading  on  their  yokes  of  oxen. 
Priests,  in  cap,  gown,  and  cassock,  and  women  with 
rosaries,  and  heads,  were  passing  in  every  direction. 
I  went  directly  to  Mr.  — — ,  to  whom  I  had  been  given 
letters,  and  was  grieved  to  find  him  with  his  clerks  in  his 
counting-house,  doing  business  as  on  a  common  day ; 
so  there  was  no  hope  of  preaching  to-day.  He  gave 
me  an  invitation  to  take  my  meals  at  his  house,  which 
I  accepted  with  great  thankfulness,  as  there  was  not  a 
bed  or  a  meal  to  be  had  at  the  two  inns — a  West  India 
fleet  having  preoccupied  them.  Till  dinner,  I  went  to 
the  great  Catholic  Church,  and  was  shocked  beyond 
measure  at  the  absurd  ceremonies ;  the  splendour  of  the 
church  was  beyond  any  thing  I  had  conceived.  The 
priests  eyed  me  with  considerable  attention,  amidst  the 
crowd  of  officers,  guessing  me  to  be  an  ecclesiastic 
I  suppose.  One  of  them,  when  he  came  to  one  cere- 
mony more  than  ordinarily  ridiculous,  could  not  conceal 
his  laughter.  At  other  times  the  few  devotees  there, 
while  on  their  knees,  would  laugh  and  talk  together. 
One  yoimg  man  in  the  dress  of  a  priest,  who  was  shew- 
ing me  a  place  which  was  called  the  sanctuary,  while 
service  was  going  on  in  the  next  department,  I  addressed 
in  latin,  but  he  did  not  understand.  Is  it  possible, 
thought  I,  this  can  be  a  Christian  church  ?  I  do  not 
know  that  any  thing  shocked  me  so  much,  as  the  burn- 
ing of  incense  before  the  picture  of  St.  Francis.  I  was 
almost  ready  to  shed  tears  with  grief.  A  poor  n^o 
woman  crossed  herself  at  this  time  with  much  fervour, 
and  apparent  contrition.  I  thought  she  might  be  truly 
an  awakened  soul,  and  longed  to  be  able  to  speak  to 
her,  but  could  not.  At  dinner,  met  a  party  of  about 
twenty ;  several  colonels  and  ladies ;  every  thing  was  in 
the  same  grandeur  as  in  London ;  I  was  disgusted  at 
the  thoughtlessness  of  the  company  on  this  day.  We 
had  great  profusion  of  fruit,  apples,  pears,  grapes, 
raisins,  walnuts,  almonds,  and  bananas,  a  fruit  I  did  not 
like.     One  of  the  clerks,  who  sat  next  me,  kept  me  in 


1805]  JOURNAL.  327 

constant  conversation »  chiefly  on  religion  ;  he  brought 
forward  all   the  difficulties  in  a  way  which  shewed  he 

was  used  to  dispute.     At  last  Mr. called  me  away 

to  a  lodging-room  he  had  found  for  me,  and  then  we 
read  and  prayed  together,  thus  closing  the  Sabbath 
more  happily  than  we  had  passed  through  it. 

30.  This  morning  my  soul  was  still  distracted,  by 
the  novelty  of  the  scene,  from  a  happy  spiritual  frame  ; 
and  prayer,  from  the  same  cause,  had  no  abiding  efficacy. 
Most  of  the  morning  passed  away  in  waiting  to  get  on 
board.  Going  to  the  ship  with  the  Captain,  I  was 
obliged  to  step  with  him  on  board  the  Diadem,  Sir  H. 
Popham.  Sir  H.  was  holding  a  levee  of  all  the  captains 
and  colonels,  and  giving  them  orders  for  the  approach- 
ing expedition.  My  mind  was  much  recovered  at  this 
time ;  I  walked  the  larboard  side  of  the  quarter-deck, 
imdisturbed  by  the  bustle.  I  could  not  help  reflecting 
with  shame  on  myself,  while  I  observed  Sir  H.'s  earnest- 
ness of  manner,  in  expressing  himself.  Till  dinner, 
wrote  letters.  At  night,  sat  with  my  poor  host,  who  had 
been  a  hair-dresser  in  London  for^  years,  a  hearer  of 
Basil  Woodd  ;  and  talked  to  him  of  the  gospel ;  he  is  a 
Roman  Catholic  from  fear,  but  despises  popery.  This 
evening  I  met  an  old  Saxon  gentleman,  with  whom  I 
spoke  of  the  gospel :  we  conversed  chiefly  in  French.  He 
agreed  with  me  when  I  spoke  of  the  way  of  salvation  by 
Jesus  Christ,  and  then  quoted  this  beautiful  sonnet  written, 
by  Debareaux,  I  think,  which  was  praised  by  Boileau. 

Grande  Dieu !  tes  jugemens  sont  remplis  d'equit^, 

ToiijouTs  tu  prends  plasir  k  nous  etre  propice, 

Mius  j'ai  tant  fait  de  mal  que  jamais  ta  bont6, 

Ne  me  pardonnera  sans  blesser  ta  justice. 

Qui  Seigneur !  la  grandeur  de  mon  impiet^, 

Ne  laisse  k  ton  pouvoir  que  la  choix  de  supplice. 

Ton  interet  oppose  k  ma  felicit^ 

Et  la  clemence  mdme  attend  que  je  perisse. 

Content  de  ton  desir,  puisqu  'il  t'est  glorieiix. 

Offense  tot,  des  pleurs  qui  coulent  de  me&yeux, 

Jonne,  frappe,  il  est  temps,  rends  moi  guerre  pour  guerre, 

J'adore  en  perissant  la  raison  qui  t'aignt, 

Mais  dessus  quel  endroit  tombera  la  tonnerre. 

Qui  ne  soit  tout  couvert  du  sang  de  Jesus  Christ  ? 


328  JOURNAL.  [1805 


October  1.     After  breakfast  retired  with  Mr.  L- 


to  his  room,  and  read  the  whole  of  Gibert*s  ser- 
mons to  him.  He  corrected  my  pronmiciation  with 
great  care  and  attention,  and  pointed  out  several  remark- 
able niceties.  When  the  celebrated  La  Perouse  touched 
last  at  Madeira,  Mr.  L.  being  introduced,  conversed 
with  him.  La  Perouse  confessed  that  he  spoke  French 
better  than  any  foreigner  he  ever  heard.  The  rest  of 
the  morning  I  walked  about  with  S ,  the  hair- 
dresser, to  the  shops,  and  he  acted  as  my  interpreter. 
The  heat  was  exceedingly  oppressive,  I  harcUy  knew  how 
to  support  myself.     At  my  lodging  in  the  evening,  I 

was  about  to  read  to  S a  chapter  in  the  Bible,  when 

E and  a  relation  came  in.     We  went  to  my  own 

room,  and  there  we  had  much  comfortable  and  godly 
conversation,  in  the  view  of  seeing  each  other  no  more. 
I  read  2  Tim.  ii.  and  iv.  and  prayed ;  but  when  I  was 
alone,  the  fatigues  and  distractions  of  the  day  left  me 
little  disposed  to  enter  into  my  own  heart.  After  dinner 
to-day  at  Mr.  Gordon's,  an  American  speaking  in  a 
very  light  manner  of  the  sin  of  drunkenness,  I  thought 
it  right  to  reprove  him :  I  was  surprised  to  see  how, 
with  all  his  ill  humour,  he  was  silenced :  soon  after, 
when  he  happened  to  make  the  common  remark,  of  all 
sincere  people  being  equally  good,  and  was  seconded  by 
Mr.  G.  I  combated  them,  and  in  the  hearing  of  the  whole 
party,  defended  the  truth  of  God  to  a  certain  degree. 

2.     After  writing  a  letter  at  Mr,   G %  I  lost 

many  hours  in  waiting  for  a  boat,  to  take  me  on  board. 
To  and  fro  from  the  boat  to  the  street  did  I  pass,  in  the 
greatest  bustle  and  crowd  of  people  I  was  almost  ever 
in ;  it  was  owing  to  their  being  obliged  to  water,  &c.  one 
hundred  and  fifty  sail  in  a  few  hours.  As  our  water 
boat  was  placed  a  little  beyond  the  surf,  our  carpenter 
and  myself  got  into  a  little  boat,  which  put  us  on  board 
our  own.  In  our  way  out,  I  endeavoured  to  lead  the 
carpenter,  who  is  a  most  discontented  man,  to  the 
knowledge  of  the  truth,  but  I  believe  I  spoke  to  little 
purpose.     In  the  evening  on  board  wrote  letters.     Mr. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  329 

Edwards  sent  on  board  two  dozen  of  Madeira  for  the 
use  of  the  sick  soldiers. 

3.  The  East  and  West  India  fleets  sailed  this  mor- 
ning at  sun-rise,  but  to  what  place  bound  is  not  yet 
known.  Our  troops  have  received  sixty  rounds  of  ball 
cartridge,  and  have  this  day  been  paraded,  in  conse- 
quence  of  which  they  had  not  time  for  reading.  Poor 
souls,  now  that  they  are  to  take  the  field  wl^e  I  am 
with  them,  how  anxiously  should  I  watch  over  them.    I 

said  to  Captain  S as  we  were  walking,  without  any 

preamble,  what  godly  men  you  soldiers  ou^t  to  be, 
who  may  be  so  suddenly  called  upon  to  give  up  your 
account.  He  said  with  a  smile,  he  did  not  know  he 
had  any  reason  to  be  afi^d ;  I  tried  to  convince  him  of 
his  error,  but  he  seemed  wrapt  in  self-confidence. 
Passed  a  good  part  of  the  morning  in  reading  Psalms 
and  Isaiah,  and  often  parts  of  Scripture,  in  order  to 
recover  from  the  great  distraction  occasioned  by  this 
visit  to  Madeira.  My  mind  was  in  general  at  peace.  In 
the  afternoon  read  Milner.  The  evening  was  much 
interrupted ;  was  obliged  from  weakness  and  faintness  to 
be  on  deck,  where  I  was  assailed  by  questions  and  con- 
jectures about  our  destination.  The  Cape,  Tenmffe, 
the  West  Indies,  Mexico,  &c.  are  some  of  the  places 
mentioned;  but  I  somewhat  succeeded  in  having  my 
thoughts  on  the  better  country,  where  there  would  be  no 
more  war  or  bloodshed.  The  weakness  of  my  body  was 
dgecting  to  me  for  a  time,  lest  I  should  never  be  of  any 
service  in  India,  but  peace  was  restored  to  my  soul,  by 
the  sweet  consideration,  that  all  was  at  the  disposal  oi 
the  Lord.  Read  Jude,  and  Revelatk)ns  i.  and  Colossians 
ii.  with  much  comfort  and  edification. 

4.  Read  Hindoostanee.  In  my  walk  enjoyed  a 
peaceful  mind,  reflecting  on  what  I  had  been  reading ; 
(Colos.  i.)  in  the  afternoon,  had  a  greater  number 
than  usual  below ;  it  was  a  part  of  the  Cheap  Repository 
I  read,  and  it  was  more  than  usually  profitable.  I 
addressed  them  on  the  subject  of  their  being  soon  to  be 
called  to  the  field      In  the  evening  I  could  do  little  or 


330  JOURNAL.  [1805 

nothing  from  head-ache.  Walked  a  good  deal  upon 
deck,  and  sat  among  the  Lascars,  who  were  upon  watch, 
endeavouring  to  understand  their  conversation,  but  I 
could  not  yet ;  conversed  a  little  with  the  one  who  spoke 
French.  I  get  to  be  better  understood  by  them,  but 
cannot  yet  follow  them  ;  I  think  with  delight  upon  the 
day  when  I  shall  be  able  to  speak  fluently  to  these  poor 
creatures  the  precious  truths  of  eternal  life. 

5.  Communion  with  God  in  prayer;  little  about  the 
ministry  and  mission,  rather  in  reference  to  my  own 
sanctification  and  expectation,  that  I  might  live  uninflu- 
enced by  outward  things.  I  succeeded  in  maintaining 
for  a  time,  a  spirit  elevated  above  the  visible  scene ;  how 
happy  is  it  that  God  has  made  that  a  precept,  the  fulfil- 
ment of  which  is  my  highest  joy :  "  Set  your  affections 
on  things  above,  not  on  things  on  the  earth."  My 
soul,  what  hast  thou  to  do  here  ?  as  thou  hast  bid  adieu 
to  thy  friends,  and  to  the  pleasantest  things  of  this  life, 
so  shalt  thou  ere  long  quit  this  mortal  scene  altogether, 
without  mixing  any  more  with  the  pleasant  things  of 
this  world.  The  iiird  of  Colossians,  which  I  had  been 
reading,  afforded  me  much  useful  meditation  during  my 
walk.  In  the  afternoon  read  Milner,  and  below  to  the 
men,  and  heard  the  young  men  in  Euclid.  After  tea, 
prayer ; — passed  the  rest  of  the  evening  in  reflecting  for 
to-morrow.  I  have  been  helped  to  be  rather  more 
watchM  to-day.  The  words  of  Milner  have  dwelt ' 
much  upon  my  mind,  *  to  believe,  to  suffer,  and  to  love, 
was  the  primitive  taste.'  I  do  not  know  that  any  unin- 
spired  sentence  ever  affected  me  so  much.  I  thought  in 
my  prayer,  that  the  Lord  had  given  me  learning,  or  the 
reputation  of  it  at  least  among  men,  but  how  much 
better  did  the  possession  of  simplicity  appear.  I  could 
have  willingly  forgotten  all  I  had  ever  read  or  learnt,  to 
be  a  man  of  the  ancient  primitive  simplicity.  Lord, 
give  me  the  spirit  of  a  true  missionary,  his  lowliness,  his 
patience,  his  love.  The  thermometer  has  been  above 
80  to-day  in  my  cabin,  without  a  breath  of  wind,  yet  J 
have  borne  it  with  ease. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  331 

6.  (Sunday.)  Preached  on  John  iv.  10.  The  want 
of  attention  in  those  present,  and  the  faults  of  my 
manner,  which  M'K.  pointed  out,  produced  much  de- 
jection,  but  I  endeavoured  to  check  the  usual  train  of 
desponding  thoughts,  such  as  that  I  should  never  be 
of  any  use  as  a  public  preacher,  that  I  was  only  fit  to  be 
a  bookworm,  &c.  by  considering  that  I  had  no  right  to 
expect  success ;  that  it  was  a  sufficient  privil^e  to  me»  to 
be  permitted  to  have  the  gospel  at  all  entrusted  to  me  ; 
and  that  I  might  be  very  well  satisfied  in  labouring  in 
vain  to  the  end  of  my  days.  In  a  conversation  with 
Mrs.  O.  to-day,  I  was  much  comforted ;  she  spoke  but 
little,  and  that  was  so  much  to  the  purpose,  that  I  was 
highly  delighted ;  I  endeavoured  to  consider  with  her, 
to  what  dangers  she  would  be  most  exposed.  I  sup* 
posed  that  the  cares  of  this  world,  and  the  deceitfulness 
of  riches,  would  be  most  likely  to  choke  the  word,  but 
she  was,  like  Peter,  very  certain  this  would  not  induce 
her  to  go  back.  In  the  afternoon  I  was  grieved  beyond 
measure,  at  seeing  the  Sabbath  so  profaned ;  the  pas* 
sengers  were  reading  all  manner  of  books  on  the  quarter 
deck ;  two,  whom  I  knew,  I  reproved,  and  they  laid 
them  aside  ;  I  went  below  in  hopes  of  reading  Baxter, 
but  there  was  no  one  there,  as  I  have  found  to  be  the 
case  every  Sunday.  After  remaining  some  time  in  con- 
versation with  one  or  two,  I  retired  in  great  darkness, 
to  bemoan  my  own  deadness,  and  that  of  the  people, 
before  God,  and  found  my  soul  wonderiuUy  revived  and 
encouraged.  I  found  it  in  my  heart  to  pray  fervently 
for  dear  Christian  friends,  who,  I  hoped  were  praying 
for  me;  and  it  was  a  delightful  consideration,  that  on 
this  day,  the  cause  of  God  and  my  concerns,  would 
generally  go  hand  in  hand  with  my  praying  friends. 
After  tea  M^K.  coming  in,  I  read  Milner  and  some 
hymns ;  my  soul  all  the  time  being  fiill  of  joy,  and  a 
cheerfulness  which  put  me  on  my  guard. 

7.  In  learning  the  three  last  chapters  of  Ephesians, 
I  was  much  blessed.  I  was  persuaded  that  the  pro- 
hibition  of  foolish    talking,    and   jesting,    was    little 


332  JOURNAL*  [1805 

attended  to  by  modern  Christians,  and  especially  by 
myself;  a  saint  who  like  the  primitive  Christians, 
speaketh  the  truth  in  love,  i,  e.  who  enjoys  a  serious  and 
happy  frame,  as  every  one  ought,  is  little  disposed  to 
trifle ;  I  endeavoured  to  keep  this  in  view  through  the 
day,  and  how  often  did  it  recur  as  a  check.  I  fdt  un* 
comfortable  from  sickness,  and  so  sat  a  good  while  on 
the  poop,  reading  hymns  ;  but  I  found  it  hard  to  realize 
the  happiness  of  heaven^  at  which  I  longed  to  arrive* 
At  dinner,  my  mind  was  occasionally  abstracted  from 
outward  things,  by  reflecting  on  the  subject  of  the 
hymns,  particularly  '  Vital  spark  of  heavenly  flame.' 
Went  below  in  the  afternoon,  but  the  noise  from  some 
of  the  ship  business  was  so  great  in  that  part,  that  they 
told  me  it  was  in  vain  to  read  ;  had  a  long  conversa- 
tion with  two  seamen.  In  the  evenii^,  the  devil  laid  a 
snare  for  me  I  think,  which  threatened  to  drown  my 
soul  in  pardition  ;  the  Lord  save  me,  and  keep  my  feet 
from  being  taken  ;  oh  may  I  with  trembling  awe  cry  to 
him  for  help  !  "  Lead  me  not  into  temptation,  but  de- 
liver me  from  evil.''  I  humbly  trust  the  issue  will  be 
for  the  benefit  of  my  soul.  Conversing  with  the  purser 
to-night,  upon  the  quarter-deck,  I  found  he  had  once 
been  two  days  in  company  witii  one  of  the  Danish 
missionaries  at  Tranquebar,  but  he  could  not  give  me 
many  particulars  about  him.  I  staid  a  long  time  listen- 
ing to  his  narrative  about  many  parts  of  the  world  he 
had  seen,  but  did  not  observe  that  my  religious  remarks 
were  attended  to ;  he  told  me  he  was  well  acquainted 
with  Mr.  Brown  of  Calcutta,  and  gave  a  very  high 
character  of  him. 

8.  I  determined  to  give  up  some  time  to  the  compo- 
sition of  sermons,  a  duty  which,  I  fear,  from  sloth,  I 
have  much  neglected.  Wrote  on  a  subject  the  rest  of 
the  morning.  The  violent  exercise  I  took  on  deck, 
seemed  to  relieve  and  lighten  both  body  and  mind.  In 
the  afternoon,  prayed  as  usual  for  the  spirit  of  a  minis- 
ter and  missionary,  and  went  below,  read  Pilgrim's 
Progress,  and  ccmversed  with  the  men  about  teaching 


1805]  JOURNAL.  333 

some  of  them  to  read  and  to  sing.  They  seemed  to  be 
very  well  pleased  with  the  idea  of  singing.     After  tea, 

walked  upon  deck  with  Captain  and  Mr.  S .     I 

talked  to  them  of  the  popular  parts  of  astronomy^  en-» 
deavouring  to  lead  it  to  a  profitable  purpose.  In  my 
cabin  had  a  blessed  time  of  prayer  ;  my  soul  succeeded 
in  a  measure  in  its  struggles  to  get  away  from  things  of 
sense.  Oh,  woidd  to  God  I  could  live  always  with 
Christ.  What  is  it  which  bewitches  me  to  be  governed 
by  such  trifles,  so  that  so  much  of  my  mind  is  given  to 
things  about  which  I  care  nothing,  and  so  little  to  God, 
whose  loving  kindness  is  better  than  life. 

9.  Wrote  on  a  subject  and  walked  with  Mrs.  O. 
In  the  afternoon  talked  to  a  sick  man  in  his  hammock. 
I  observed  two  or  three  quietly  drawing  near,  and  sitting 
on  the  ground  to  hear.  I  really  think  there  is  a  spirit 
of  enquiry  among  the  poor  men.  Read  Baxter  late ;  at 
the  usual  place.  There  was  more  serious  attention  and 
greater  numbers  than  I  have  yet  seen.  In  the  evening 
drew  near  to  Grod  in  prayer.  Oh  how  I  wish  I  could 
view  outward  things  with  a  strange  and  forgetful  eye, 
and  neither  think  nor  say  any  thing  but  in  seriousness 
and  love.  I  felt  more  ardour,  and  zeal,  and  desire  to 
spend  and  be  spent  for  God,  after  this  afternoon's 
ministrations  among  the  men.  When  a  branch  bringeth 
forth  fruit,  the  Father  purgeth  it  that  it  may  bring  forth 
more  fruit.  But  I  am  at  best  a  poor  languid  creature. 
Sometimes  solemn,  but  scarcely  ever  lively.  By 
reading  the  sermons  preached  before  the  Missionary 
Society,  I  was  much  refreshed  to-day.  The  interest  so 
many  dear  and  honoured  saints  are  taking  in  my  work, 
and  especially  the  accounts  of  so  many  missionaries 
lately  gone  to  Tranquebar,  Surat,  and  the  Cape,  whom 
I  had  some  hopes  of  seeing,  quite  gladdened  my  heart ; 
I  was  disposed  to  bless  God  for  the  honour  he  had  put 
on  one  so  unworthy, 

10.  Employed  as  yesterday.  Mr.  S.  took  up  much 
of  my  time  by  coming  to  learn  French.  By  prayer  be- 
fore and  after  dinner,  and  watchfulness  during  it,  I  went 


334  JOURNAL.  [1805 

to  the  men  below  in  a  serious  frame ;  read  Pilgrim's 
Progress  ;  just  as  I  was  beginning  Baxter,  we  were  in- 
terrupted. On  deck  had  some  conversation  with  one  of 
the  sergeants,  who  said  with  some  emotion  that  many 
of  the  men  were  the  better  for  my  coming  among  them ; 
and  that  for  himself  he  had  been  brought  up  in  this  per- 
suasion, and  now  things  that  he  had  almost  forgotten 
were  brought  to  his  mind.  At  his  request,  I  supplied  him 
with  a  Bible,  which  he  wanted  to  buy,  and  a  hymn-book, 
and  another  book.  They  found  a  man  in  the  regiment 
for  me  who  promised  to  assist  to-morrow  in  singing,  as 
he  had  formerly  sung  in  a  choir.  At  night,  got  below, 
without  being  observed,  and  with  some  Madeira  and 
water  for  two  of  the  sick  men  ;  but  could  not  read  to 
them,  as  they  are  allowed  no  light.  My  soul  was  very 
serious  after  this,  in  reflecting  on  tiie  hardships  of  most 
men.  What  reason  I  have  to  be  thankful  myself !  I 
had,  I  thought,  no  wish,  save  to  be  as  a  light  burning 
out  for  God ;  I  could  rejoice  to  waste  away  the  body 
in  labouring  and  preaching  all  the  day  long.  Let  me  say 
now  as  in  the  morning,  '*  Why  is  his  chariot  so  long 
in  coming,  why  tarry  the  wheels  of  his  chariot.'*  Then 
eternal  seriousness  shall  pervade  my  soul,  and  I  shall 
join  his  perfect  creatures  in  fulfilling  the  will  of  the 
Most  High.  We  saw  some  of  the  flying  fish  to-day ; 
though  I  believe  it  was  not  the  first  time.  I  had  seen 
them  before,  but  taken  them  for  birds.  The  poor  little 
things  are  emblems  of  my  soul.  They  rise  to  a  little 
height,  but  in  a  minute  or  two  their  fins  are  dry,  and 
then  they  drop  into  the  waves. 

1 1 .  Many  an  animating  thought  was  infused  into 
my  heart  to-day.  Read  Hindoostanee  most  of  the  morn- 
ing without  gaining  any  increase  to  my  knowledge. 
My  temper  was  rather  tried  by  it,  but  I  was  restored  to 
peace  and  dependence  upon  God  for  assistance  in  this 
study  by  prayer.  In  the  evening,  my  soul  rose  delight- 
ing to  be  employed.     Walking  a  little  on  deck  at  night, 

found  Corporal  B ,  on  watch.     He  was  quite  re* 

viyed,  and  I  talked  with   him  a  good   deal  on  divine 


1805]  JOURNAL.  335 

things.  But  of  thef  glory  of  heaven,  and  the  nearness  of 
it,  which  is  my  present  joy  to  think  of,  I  can  get  no  one 
to  speak.  My  mind  is  now  generally  very  cheerful.  I 
believe  that  many  of  my  former  happy  times  in  England 
were  produced,  or  at  least  heightened,  by  the  presence 
of  external  aids,  as  of  beloved  saints,  ordinances,  &c. 
My  chief  pleasure  now  is,  I  hope,  more  independent.  I 
wish  to  be  always  with  God,  and  to  look  forward  to  the 
finishing  of  my  work,  and  entering  into  rest.  In  two 
or  three  days,  I  have  been  led  much  to  think  and  pray 
forLydia  in  this  respect,  lest  she  should  be  disquieted  on 
my  account.  I  know  not  how  this  thought  has  arisen 
now,  and  not  before. 

12.  After  wasting  a  great  deal  of  time  in  a  careless 
perusal  of  Holy  Scripture,  I  felt  very  unhappy,  but  by 
prayer  was  excited  again  to  peace  and  seriousness ;  the 

time  below  deck  was  spent  in  singing  with  B and 

L  ■  ;  the  men  got  round  us  in  great  numbers,  and 
seemed  disposed  to  assist  with  great  readiness. 

12.  (Sunday.)  Service  before  dinner ;  endeavoured 
to  have  my  soul  fixed  on  divine  things,  in  seriousness, 
and  deep  conviction  of  the  awful  responsibility  to  God. 
Preached  on  Rom.  vii.  18.  Went  below  in  the  after- 
noon, and  talked  a  little  in  Hindoostanee  with  Cadi ;  he 
could  understand  me  tolerably,  but  I  could  not  follow 
him.  Read  Baxter's  Call  to  the  men,  and  found  some 
parts  so  affecting,  that  I  warned  them  even  with  tears* 
In  the  evening,  had  a  long  season  of  communion  with 
God,  through  his  mercy.  Prayed  chiefly  for  the  in- 
crease of  my  soul  in  grace,  particularly  in  love  and  zeal. 
Oh  the  difference  when  God  is  present,  and  when  not  1 
The  time  passed  happily ;  I  seemed  to  fear  no  interrup- 
tion ;  it  was  not  with  diflSculty  that  I  beheld  his  glory, 
as  in  general,  but  he  was  nigh  me ;  it  was  pleasant  and 
easy  to  pray,  and  I  did  it  for  all  the  ministers  and 
brethren  in  England,  for  the  heathen  world,  and  India 
in  particular.  M'K.  coming  in,  we  read  several  chap- 
ters of  the  Bible  together.  Bless  the  Lord,  O  my  soul, 
for  all  the  benefits  he  hath  done  unto  me.     Farewell 


336  JOURNAL.  [1805 

wicked  world,  from  heaceforth  is  it  my  desire  to  labour 
for  Christy  and  then  to  die. 

14.  Alas,  my  days  so  few,  my  work  so  great,  and 
my  account  so  woeful,  what  ails  me  that  I  sleep  ?  much 
time  passed  away  this  morning  in  reading  and  prayer, 
but  want  of  energy  wasted  my  time.  I  felt  thankful  for 
1  Cor.  xiii.  that  God  had  given  such  a  beautiful  picture 
of  Christian  temper ;  my  prayers  were  chiefly  for  myself ; 
my  ostensible  employment,  was  writing  on  a  subject,  but 
I  did  little.  M'K.  indeed  prevented  much ;  my  attention 
during  my  walk  on  deck  was  taken  up  with  things  which 
did  not  belong  to  me ;  prayer  however  delivered  me 
from  the  pain  which  a  succession  of  merely  earthly 
thoughts  always  produces. 

16.  Spent  much  time  with  Major  D.  and  M'K. 
separately ;  endeavouring  to  mediate  and  produce  a 
reconciliation ;  M'K.  acts  with  great  propriety.  I  am 
understood  by  the  blacks  better  still,  but  I  cannot  catch 
their  words.  Below,  we  sung  hymns,  and  I  read  Bax* 
ter's  Call.  I  felt  pressed  in  spirit  to  speak  to  them  the 
word  of  God.  My  usual  deadness  seemed  to  have  van-* 
ished ;  I  could  have  poured  away  my  life  to  persuade 
them  to  return.  M'K.  came  down  while  we  suDg,  and 
was  ridiculed  and  bantered  by  them  all  on  his  coming 
up.  To-day,  one  of  the  waiters  at  tablp  fell  into  an 
apoplectic  fit,  brought  on  it  is  said  by  drunkenness. 
Awful  state  1  he  is  still  raving.  I  still  enjoy  health  and 
strength,  though  the  thermometer,  which  has  been  grad- 
ually rising  to  80^,  is  to-day  85®.  In  the  evening  at 
prayer,  my  soul  panted  after  God,  and  cried  fervently 
for  a  short  time,  after  a  perfect  conformity  to  the  holy 
nature  of  Jesus  Christ.  O  that  I  may  be  kept  faithful 
a  few  years  longer,  and  I  shall  be  out  of  danger.  **  In 
my  Father's  house  are  many  mansions." 

16.  The  first  part  of  the  morning  was  spent  with 
some  distraction  in  desultory  reading.  John  xv.  con- 
vinced me  how  little  or  nothing  I  know  of  abiding  in 
Christ.  *'  So  shall  ye  bring  forth  much  fruit.^'  Enjoyed 
some  happy  reflections  this  evening,  as  I  sat  refreshed 


1805]  JOURNAL.  337 

by  the  eyening  breeze  on  the  poop.  In  prayer  after  tea, 
I  was  led  to  cry  for  sincerity  and  openness  of  heart 
before  God.  I  felt  that  I  am  apt  to  be  satisfied  with  a 
few  religious  affections,  excited  by  a  sense  of  the  shortness 
of  time,  &c.  but  that  I  really  enjoy  little  of  actual  and  spi- 
ritual communion  with  God  in  Christ.  The  thought  of 
death  and  the  resurrection  is  very  sweet  to  me.  My 
chief  concern  now  seems  to  be,  to  wait  patiently  for  it, 
and  to  beware  of  distrusting  God's  promises  concerning 
it.  The  first  Christians  thought  much  of  this,  because 
they  had  little  prospect  of  a  comfortable  stay  in 
this  world.  So  now  that  I  neither  enjoy  the  company 
I  like,  nor  have  the  expectation  of  ever  doing  so,  all  my 
expectations  are  led  on  more  naturally  to  the  delights  of 
another  world. 

17.  Little  done  to-day.  A  conversation  at  dinner 
respecting  the  Indians,  roused  more  than  ever  my  desire 
to  go  amongst  them.  In  the  evening  was  blessed  in 
prayer,  by  being  assisted  to  lay  my  heart  open  before 
God.  The  Lord  only  knows  what  a  poor  cold  creatiu^ 
I  am,  and  how  miserably  I  mis-spend  my  time.  Oh  that 
I  may  walk  more  in  the  fear  of  God. 

18.  Had  a  long  and  earnest  conversation  this  morn- 
ing with  Major  D — — ,  on  the  subject  of  our  accept- 
ance with  Goid.  He  is  a  candid  self-righteous  man.  I 
left  off  ¥dth  begging  him  to  read  Rom.  iii.  with  prayer. 
I  had  great  boldnesJ  also,  in  telling  Captain  O.  of  his 
sins.     In    the  afternoon   was   again    prevented    going 

below ;  had  some  conversation  with  G^ in  French, 

and  C in  Hindoostanee.     M'K  passed  the  evening 

with  me :  we  read  Milner  ;  was  filled  with  shame  at 
night  in  reflecting  on  my  unprofitableness,  and  on  the 
carelessness  of  my  walk  before  God.  Oh,  let  the  mercy 
of  God  spare  me  yet  longer,  that  I  may  never  dare  any 
more  to  serve  God,  but  with  reverence  and  godly 
fear. 

19.  Finished  writing  a  sermon  before  breakfast,  and 
afterwards  was  employed  in  reading  and  prayer,  and 
considering  the  sermon  ;  the  heat  made  it  impossible  to 

z 


338  JOURNAL.  [1850 

continue  in  my  cabin  for  head-ache,  and  so  I  was 
obliged  to  be  much  on  deck.  Resumed  the  conversatioQ 
with  Major  D  on  the  same  subject ;  he  had  been 

reading  Romans  iii.  but  could  not  understand  it.  Read 
Milner  and  Dow  ;  my  heart  was  departing  from  God, 
but  prayer  revived  my  soul.  Found  my  spirit  breathing 
after  God  in  the  evening  at  prayer ,  and  hoped  I  should 
really  be  able  to  keep  my  eyes  always  on  Jesus.;  that  I 
should  be  able  to  labour  henceforth  with  utter  unconcern 
about  human  opinions,  and  with  simple  reference  to  the 
will  and  pleasure  of  Jesus  Christ.  I  thought  at  night  of 
various  scenes  of  pleasure,  such  as  living  in  a  useful 
sphere,  in  a  beautiful  country,  united  to  Lydia ;  but  I 
could  see  no  pleasure  at  all  in  it.  How  is  the  chain 
broken  !  It  seems  to  me  as  if  no  one  thing  could  ever 
more  give  me  pleasure^  but  something  in  connection 
with  the  eternal  world.  Show  me  something  that  will 
bring  me  to  God,  or  God  to  me,  and  I  am  satisfied. 
The  world  without  this  is  all  nothing.  Oh,  my  soul, 
why  not  live  thus  in  heaven  according  to  thy  duty  and 
privilege. 

20.  (Sunday.)  .  Endeavoured  as  usual  to  launch 
away .  into  eternity,  so  as  to  feel  above,  and  beyond,  all 
concern  about  men,  excepting  their  souls.  Preached  on 
Rom.  viii.  7,  but  not  freely,  owing  perhaps  to  following 
the  divisions  and  short  sentences  of  Jonathan  Edwards 
too  closely.  In  the  evening  had* my  soul  fixed  in  a 
measure  in  prayer,  and  intercession  for  missionaries  in 
different  parts,  but  especially  for  those  at  Sierra  Leone, 
in  the  latitude  of  which  place  we  were  to-day.  M'K* 
who  passed  much  of  the  evening  with  me,  told  me  of  the 
same  defects  of  manner,  of  which  I  have  often  heard^ 
induced  as  he  said,  by  what  they  said  to  him  about  me. 
'  Martyn  is. a  good  scholar,  but  not  much  of  an  orator.' 
M^K.  said  it  was  a  want  of  easy  flow,  arising  as  he 
thought,  from  a  want  of  confidence  in  my  own  abilities. 
This  reminded  me  of  Mr.  Cecil's  observations ;  I  was 
rather  dispirited  by  it,  as  I  hardly  know  how  to  remedy 
it,  and  if  it  be  not  remedied,.!  am  afraid  I  shall  make  but 


1805]  JOURNAL.  339 

a  dull  preacher  to  Indians.     '^  But  not  by  power,  nor 
by  might,  but  by  my  Spirit." 

21.  If  there  be  any  thing  I  do,  if  there  be  any  thing 
I  leave  undone,  let  me  be  perfect  in  prayer.  So  I 
thought  in  the  morning.  In  prayer  I  was  fervent  at 
times,  but  without  a  spirit  of  deep  humiliation  I  am 
never  happy.  The  captain  of  the  Botany-men  came  on 
board  to-day  ;  I  thought  of  the  opportunity  of  getting 
some  Testaments  aboard,  but  the  character  of  the  cap- 
tain hindered  me.  The  fear  of  man,  too,  operated ;  for 
all  round  him  were  engaged  in  such  busy  inquiry  about 
news  from  the  Commodore,  that  the  fear  of  ridicule,  I 
believe,  prevented  my  asking  him  to  take  the  books. 
However,  my  conscience  gave  me  no  trouble  when  he 
left  the  BUp.  Now  only  when  I  write  the  events  of  the 
day,  do  I  see  the  matter  in  its  true  light.  I  am  so 
grieved,  that  I  would  give  almost  any  thing  to  get  them 
on  board  the  Pitt.  I  bless  God  I  shall  have  one  more 
opportunity ;  the  fleet  are  to  rendezvous  in  St.  Salvador, 
South  America,  according  to  fresh  orders  received  to- 
day. In  the  afternoon  I  could  get  no  lower  than  the 
gun-deck,  the  sailors'  berth,  where  meeting  with  Cade, 
I  read  to  him  and  the  rest  of  the  Lascars,  the  prayer  of 
Parboter,  which  I  had  been  translating  into  Hindoos- 
tanee.  They  seemed  to  understand  me  perfectly;  Cade 
corrected  my  pronunciation  in  a  few  words,  and  one 
or  two  other  words  they  did  not  understand,  but  I  was 
surprised  at  being  able  to  gain  their  attention  at  all. 
Before  tea  on  the  poop,  I  was  sitting  with  the  cadets 
looking  at  the  lightning  ;  I  said  a  little  about  having 
such  a  God  for  an  enemy,  but  somehow  I  feel  afraid  of 
speaking  frequently  to  them,  for  fear  of  surfeiting  them. 
I  believe  indeed  it  cannot  be  fear  of  men,  because  I 
speak  as  plainly  as  possible  to  them  in  preaching.  In 
the  evening  had  the  presence  of  the  Lord  in  prayer,  the 
ease  and  peace  of  my  own  soul  in  the  contemplation  of 
fidth  *  *  were  as  usual  my  subject, 

and  fitness  for  the  mission.     In  the  latter,  I  have  re« 
ceived  an  encouraging  answer,  as  at  night.    I  conversed 

Z  2' 


340  JOURNAL.  [1805 

tolerably  with  the  blacks,  and  even  understood  a  little 
what  they  said.  Mr.  K.  sat  with  me  at  night,  a  squall 
coming  on,  and  producing  great  noise  on  deck,  our 
conversation  led  to  death.  I  could  have  wept  for  the 
state  of  the  poor  unprepared  souls  in  the  ship  ;  at  night 
I  was  led  to  consider  what  on  my  death-bed  would  be 
my  retrospective  views.  If  I  should  look  back  and  see 
a  life  of  eminent  strictness,  should  I  lament  any  thing, 
but  that  it  was  not  more  strict  ? — and  yet  my  flesh  sinks 
from  fasting  and  long  prayer.  But  oh  world,  flesh, 
and  Devil,  I  have  declared  war  against  you  all;  my 
single  inquiry  shall  now  be,  through  grace,  what  is  the 
Lord's  will.  Thus,  Christ  strengthening  me,  I  shall 
triumph  in  faith.  My  heart  is  distressed  at  the  thought 
of  my  unfitness  for  public  preaching ;  but*  through 
Christ*s  grace  I  shall  be  taught  to  be  content  with  such 
gifts  as  I  possess,  and  improve  them  without  asking  any 
more.  I  read  three  chapters  of  Corinthians  on  the 
subject,  and  learnt,  1.  "  That  the  spirit  divideth  seve- 
rally as  he  will,"  and,  2.  *'  Covet  earnestly  the  best 
'gifts." 
\  22.  Passed  the  morning  till  dinner,  in  prayer  and 
reading  ;  first,  prayed  for  the  presence  of  God  and  due 
preparation,  afterwards,  in  reference  to  the  ministry, 
and  then  for  all  Christian  friends  in  England,  with 
much  freedom  and  increase  of  seriousness.  The  rest  of 
the  day  till  evening,  I  had  intended  to  continue  in  fast- 
ing and  prayer  for  the  church  at  large,  but  not  being 
able  to  get  any  air,  in  consequence  of  rain,  I  grew 
so  exceedingly  weak,  as  to  be  fit  for  nothing  more.  In 
the  afternoon  Cade  came  to  my  cabin,  and  I  read  to  him 
sentences  from  the  prayers  of  Parboter.  I  desired  him 
to  repeat  it  in  English,  from  which  I  found  that  he 
understood  scarcely  a  quarter  of  it,  yet  he,  and  all  with 
him,  a  day  or  two  before,  pretended  to  listen  with  great 
interest  while  I  read  it*  I  felt  not  a  little  disconcerted 
at  this.  When  we  came  to  the  simple  sentence,  Ec,  &c. 
I  coxdd  not  help  asking,  do  you  believe  you  shall  ever 
be  saved  by  the  blood  of  Christ?     He   declined   an- 


1805]  JOURNAL.  341 

swering  for  some  time,  but  said  at  last,  *  Who  hath  seen 
the  blood  of  God  ? '  with  the  contemptuous  smile  of  a 
modern  sceptic,  and  then  began  to  tell  a  long  and 
laboured  story  which  he  said  was  in  the  Koran.  I  am 
afraid  I  shall  be  able  to  get  but  little  good  from  him; 
one  thing  however  I  have  perhaps  learnt,  that  the  atten- 
tion of  an  Indian  audience  is  not  to  be  depended  upon. 

At  night  read  Flavel,  but  was  much  taken  up  by . 

He  came  to  relate  his  encounter  with  some  of  the  most 
bitter  opponents  of  religion  below ;  the;^  still  believe  him 
to  be  a  hypocrite,  and  want  to  draw  him  back  again.  Of 
me  they  said  little,  and  that  not  in  my  favour.  They  gave 
me  up  as  a  mad  enthusiast ;  I  was  very  little  o£Pended  at 
this,  my  soul  wants  more  of  God.  I  have  no  inclination 
to  harass  myself  any  more  about  the  trifles  of  this  world. 
23.  Continuing  weak  and  low-spirited.  My  heart 
tried  with  great  distrust,  Very  unhappy  through  not  being 
able  to  trust  God  for  assistance  in  the  ministerial  work. 
The  weakness  and  languor  of  my  body  under  the  heat, 
made  me  fear  I  never  should  be  useful  as  a  preacher  in 
India.  About  the  middle  of  the  day,  I  considered, 
what  means  this  misery  ?  Is  it  not  of  God  that  I  am 
led  into  outward  trials  and  difficulties,  that  my  faith 
may  be  tried?  Supposing  that  you  are  obliged  to 
return,  or  even  that  you  never  see  India,  but  wither  and 
die  hereabouts,  what  is  that  to  you?  Do  the  will -of 
God  to-day  where  you  are,  and  leave  the  rest  to  him. 
My  soul  was  somewhat  eased  by  casting  my  burden  on 
the  Lord,  and  the  rest  of  the  day  I  enjoyed  a  solemn 
tranquillity.  In  prayer  in  the  evening,  I  felt  a  blessed 
resignation  to  God,  and  a  desire  to  forget,  and  be  for- 
gotten, by  all  the  world  for  him.  Wished  that  if  I 
should  hereafter  become  a  more  public  character,  I 
might  hear  the  praises  of  men  without  a  smile,  and 
their  censures  without  a  sigh,  and  go  on  with  perfect 
disregard,  withdrawn  from  the  world,  looking  in  secret 
to  the  judgment  of  the  great  day,  when  the  secrets  of  the 
heart  shall  be  manifest.  Oh,  that  the  deepest  serious- 
ness were  uninterrupted  in  all  my  conversation. 


342  JOURNAL.  [1805 

24.  Much  dejected  the  whole  day,  through  mistrust 
of  the  promised  grace  of  God  to  assist  me  in  the  minis- 
terial work.  I  am  disposed  to  fret  that  I  have  no  time 
for  such  necessary  study  as  learning  the  Hindoostanee  ; 
I  turned  again  and  again,  till  my  mind  was  quite  tired. 
The  heat  also  was  so  oppressive,  that  I  could  hardly 
tell  how  to  place  my  body  at  rest.  In  the  afternoon  went 
below  again,  and  read  Baxter,  and  sung.  Going  down 
a  second  time,  I  found  my  litde  flock  collected  and  none 
others  present,  or  not  very  near.  They  were  four,  and 
I  addressed  a  word  of  exhortation  and  encouragement  to 
each,  and  afterwards  in  the  evening  had  much  comfort 
in  prayer  for  them.  One  of  them  asked  me  to  explain 
the  verse,  "for  every  idle  word,"  which  I  did  in  the 
strictest  sense,  according  to  corresponding  passages  in 
Ephesians.  Oh,  may  I  henceforth  be  very  careful  to  set 
them  an  example  of  such  godly  conversation.  Came 
on  a  little  better  at  night  in  writing. 

25.  Rather  more  tranquil  in  my  mind  to-day  ; 
felt  the  exceeding  privilege  of  prayer  in  upholding 
my  head  even  in  the  midst  of  the  thoughts  which 
disquieted  me.  I  wished  I  had  had  more  time  for  longer 
communion  with  God.  Unhappily  when  I  have  more 
time  and  a  mind  more  at  ease,  I  can  go  on  too  long  in 
quietness  without  intimate  communion.  Writing  all  the 
morning ;  advancing  very  slowly.  Went  below  in  the 
afternoon,  but  found  none  to  hear.  Had  great  satis- 
faction in  reflecting  this  evening  on  the  proofs  that  my 
hourly  wisdom  was  not  to  repine,  and  look  for  a  change, 
but  to  consider  what  is  my  duty  in  the  existing  circum- 
stances, and  then  to  do  it  in  dependence  on  grace. 
Nothing  better  than  this  can  be  adopted. 

26.  Employed  most  of  the  day  about  my  sermon, 
and  found  much  assistance.  Blessed  be  God,  he  is 
always  better  to  me  than  my  fears.  In  the  afternoon 
we  sang  a  number  of  hymns  below.  In  the  even- 
ing tasted  great  joy  in  the  consideration  of  a  part  of  my 
subject.  Was  much  pleased  to-day  at  the  manoeuvring 
of  the  ships  which  passed  under  the  Commodore's  stern 


1805]  JOURNAL.  343 

in  succession,  and  received  orders,  ourselves  among  the 
rest,  to  proceed  as  fast  as  we  could,  with  the  Leda  and 
fastest-sailing  ships  for  St.  Salvador. 
*  27.  Rose  in  tderable  tranquillity,  feeling  a  carnal 
confidence  in  the  pi'eparation  1  had  made.  Till  service 
spent  tnuch  of  that  time  which  had  better  have  been 
spent  in  prayer,  in  considering  the  subject  still  more. 
But  with  all  my  anxiety  and  precaution,  I  had  no 
greater  fluency '  than  before.  The  subject  was  Matt.  xi. 
28.  to  which  the  soldiers  paid  little  attention  ;  they  sel- 
dom indeed,  do,  to  any' thing  encouraging.  Went  among 
them  on  the  forecastle  afterwards,  and  was  shocked  as 
usual  with  their  horrid  blasphemies.  I  have  spokeb  to 
them  about  swearing  in  such  a  variety  of  ways,  that  I 
am  at  a  loss  to  know  what  to  say  to  them.  One  man 
looked  with  the  utmost  arrogance  and  disdain,  as  if 
wondering  I  should  call  him  to  account :  their  blind  and 
headlong  course  of  wickedness  makes  me  think  often  of 
the  words,   "  Led  captive  by  him   at  his  will.''     Had 

some  close  conversation  with  Ser;  G  Poor  B 

who  was  the  person  I  went  to  visit  at  the  forecastle, 
was  so  extremely  ill  as  not  to  be  able  to  speak.  Belol, 
a  yoimg  Lascar  from  Surat,  seemed  to  watch  me  with 
such  kindness  and  attention  in  his  countenance,  while  I 
was  talking  to  the  men,  that  I  thought  of  the  words, 
*^  had  I  sent  thee  to  them,  people  of  a  strange  speech, 
they  would  have  hearkened  unto  thee.''  These  Mussul- 
men  seem  to  be  quite  delighted,  if  I  will  but  try  to  speak 
to  them  ;  and  they  seem  eager  to  help  me  out..  They 
addressed  me  as  I  past  to-day  ;  but  though  I  can  speak 
a  little  to  them,  I  cannot  converse  with  them.  Was 
kept  from  prayer  before  dinner  by  Mr.  K.  continuing  in 
my  cabin.  Want  of  more  prayer  left  me  extremely 
light.  In  the  afternoon,  not  being  able  to  get  below,  I 
read  1  Chron.  and  enjoyed  sweet  reflections,  and  inter- 
cession for  my  beloved  friends  in  England.  My  dear 
sister  lay  very  near  my  heart. 

28.     Rose  with  somewhat  of  the  same  impression  on 
my  mind,  as  that  in  which  I  had  retired  last  night,  of 


344  JOURNAL.  [1805 

the  necessity  of  stirring  myself  up  to  activity  in  Christ's 
service,  instead  of  being  carried  on  in  the  dull  routine 
of  studies.  At  the  beginning  of  my  voyage,  when  my 
soul  was  sinking  in  the  deep  waters  of  troubles,  my 
only  relief  was  to  fly  to  the  bosom  of  God ;  but  now  that 
every  thing  is  more  comfortable  without  and  within,  I 
ungratefully  think  of  the  time  for  prayer  without  plea- 
sure. O  Lord  I  who  hast  borne  with  thy  miserable  crea- 
ture so  long,  '^  create  in  me  a  dean  heart,  and  renew  a 
right  spirit  within  me."  The  chief  point  to  which  the 
Spirit  of  God  awakened  my  attention  was  prayer.  I 
am  not  a  man  of  prayer  ;  I  think  I  have  something  else 
to  do  besides  pray.  How  many  hundreds  of  millions 
of  souls  lying  in  heathen  darkness  there  are — how  many 
millions  of  heathen  souls  professing  Christ — how  few 
who  preach  the  truth  as  it  is  in  Jesus — how  few  among 
them  are  willing  to  go  out  to  visit  the  deserts  of  pagan- 
ism !  And  even  of  those*  few  who  are  *  thrust  out,*  * 
here  is  one  who  will  not  take  the  trouble  to  pray. 
Where  then  shall  poor  dying  souls  find  an  advocate. 
My  soul  cried  out  for  a  spirit  of  prayer  and  supplication 
in  behalf  of  the  church  ;  but  I  know  by  continual  expe- 
rience, that  I  shall  not  only  flag,  but  forget  altogether 
my  present  resolutions,  if  the  Lord  do  not  quicken  my 
slumbering  conscience.  But  adieu !  folly  and  sloth,  I 
will  be,  through  grace,  the  servant  of  Christ ;  and  the 
little  I  can  do  for  India  I  will,  which  is  praying  for  it. 
The  rest  of  the  evening  my  soul  had  more  of  the  fear  of 
God  before  its  eyes.  Entered  passages  from  Hooker 
into  Common  Place  Book,  and  read  Flavel  on  the  sub- 
ject I  wished  to  write  on.  Mr.  K.  afterwards  came  in, 
and  by  mere  worldly  conversation  I  grew  cold  and 
languid. 

29.  A  day  no  better  than  the  former  ;  notwithstand- 
ing the  recollections  with  which  I  rose  in  the  morning, 
concerning  what  ought  to  be  the  manner  of  my  life. 
The  morning  was  frittered  away  by  reading  Flavel,  in 

>  Vid.  Matt.  ix.  38.     Luke  x.  2. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  345 

reference  to  the  subject  on  which  I  meant  to  write. 
Another  thing  which  always  injures  my  spirit,  without 
great  caution,  was  some  astronomical  calculations  for 
finding  the  longitude  by  a  lunar  observation.  At  night, 
as  I  was  beginning,  after  some  liveliness  in  prayer,  to 

prosecute  my  work  with  vigour,  M came  in,  and 

the  rest  of  the  evening  might  be  called  lost.  I  read 
Milner  and  Dow.  But  oh !  what  a  weak  creature  I  am, 
to  be  thus  the  sport  of  every  trifling  distraction,  parti- 
cularly when  God  and  his  glories  invite  and  command 
my  diligence.  God  put  his  fear  into  my  heart,  that  I 
may  be  more  watchful  and  spiritual  1 

30.  This  morning  about  six  o'clock  we  crossed 
the  line.  My  soul  kept  near  to  God  for  the  first 
part  of  the  morning,  but  the  finishing  of  the  calcu- 
lations again  left  me  dissatisfied  at  not  having  gone 
forward  in  my  proper  work.  Had  some  conversation 
with  a  young  man,  who  keeps  close  to  me  notwithstand- 
ing the  scoffs  of  the  rest.  In  general  I  was  in  much 
dejection  to-day,  partly  from  a  bodily  cause,  but  chiefly 
on  account  of  my  sinful  propensity  to  a  continual  absent 
departure  from  God,  through  laziness,  and  a  continuing 
from  him  through  unbelief.  But  in  the  evening  God 
restored  me  to  considerable  peace,  by  enabling  me  to 
open  my  heart  before  him,  and  to  write  on  my  subject. 
Oh  that  I  could  begin  every  thing  with  God,  prosecute 
it  in  the  presence  of  God,  and  then  after  the  conclusion 
return  far  from  men  to  be  in  secret  with  my  God. 

31.  This  morning  was  lost  in  a  great  measure,  by 
the  confusion  the  ship  was  in,  from  the  idle  ceremony 
of  ducking,  &c.  I  thought  it  right  to  be  present  at  the 
procession  of  Neptune ;  at  short  intervals  I  read  Hin- 
doostanee,  and  was  careful  not  to  let  my  heart  wander 
from  God,  in  vanity  and  unbelief.  In  the  afternoon 
read  Dow,  as  there  was  no  getting  below.  Was  much 
delighted  with  a  young  Lascar  called  Belol,  who  spoke 
so  slowly  and  distinctly  for  my  sake,  that  I  could  un- 
derstand him  pretty  well ;  he  said  he  knew  the  Farree 
and  Arabic.     I  tried  him  by  writing  his  name  in  Arabic ; 


346  JOURNAL.  [1805 

he  repeated  the  Persian  alphabet  exceedingly  well,  as  I 
supposed^  from  his  way  of  pronouncing  the  peculiar 
giUturals;.  he  was  highly  pleased  at  a  story  from 
Gilchrist  which  I  read  to  him,  and  said  he  perfectly 
understood  me.  On  asking  him  how  he  liked  one  of  the 
midshipmen  who  is  generally  disliked,  he  said,  '  when  he 
tells  me  to  go  aloft  I  go,  when  he  tells  me  to  go  down,  I 
go — ^to  do  that,  I  do  it, — he  is  my  officer ;  he  is  a  white 
man  and  I  a  black — is  not  that  right.  Sir  ? '  I  was  on 
the  whole  much  charmed  with  this  graceful,  active,  and 
amiable  Mussulman.  O  what  would  I  have  given  to 
have  seen  him  a  Christian !  My  heart  burned  with 
desire  to  impart  the  Grospel  of  God  to  him ! 

November  1.  An  awful  and  affecting  day.  About 
break  of  day  signals  of  distress  were  fired,  and  a  ship 
was  observed  aground  near  some  breakers.  We  bore 
away,  but  the  frigate  stood  towards  her.  About  the 
middle  of  the  morning  we  tacked  again  towards  her 
after  the  frigate,  and  ^om  the  mast  head  two  ships  were 
observed  aground.  Presently  one  disappeared,  and  we 
were  struck  with  a  sort  of  panic,  from  concluding  she 
must  have  gone  to  jneces.  At  last  the  breakers  came 
in  sight  to  us  upon  deck,  and  soon  after  two  white 
sand  banks  behind  them,  terminated  either  way  by  a 
long  reef  of  frightful  rock^.  Looking  steadily  with  my 
glass,.  I  saw  two  men  on  the  beach,  and  presently  after 
could  count  twelve  or  thirteen  on  the  top  of  the  beach, 
which  seemed  to  be  green.  Looking  again,  I  saw  a  pole 
elevated  with  a  hat  or  jacket  on  the  top  of  it,  and  a 
cliunp  of  men  round  it,  and  at  different  parts  of  the 
beach  parties  of  men  and  one  or  two  ladies.  The  rocks 
and  suif  were  frightful.  The  appearance  was  that  of 
columns  altematdy  white  and  dark.  The  white  ones 
gradually  melting  away,  and  succeeded  by  others,  so 
prodigiously  high  were  the  breakers.  About  this  time 
several  pieces  of  wreck  floated  by  us,  a  chest  of  drawers, 
barrels,  boards,  &c.  I  saw  a  cabin  door  with  the  glass 
window  in  it  pass  by  us.  One  of  the  frigates*  boats  then 
came  alongside  (i.  e.)  within  hail,  in  her  way  to  the 


1805]  JOUBNAL.  347 

island,  for  the  ships  were  afrsid  to  <come  very  near,  and 
told  us  it  was  the  King  George  transport  that  was  lost ; 
but  that  only  three  officers  were  lost  out  of  the  whole, 
that  one  of  them  was  General  Yorke  of  the  artillery. 
We  then  sent  a  boat  on  board  the  frigate,  and  learnt 
that  the  other  ship  was  supposed  to  be  the  Britannia, 
and  that  every  sailor  on  board  had  perished.  So  much 
only  we  know,  but  wait  with  anxie^  for  to-nctorrow  for 
further  information.  The  Leda  had  not  received  all  her 
boats'  back  when  night  drew  on.  M'K.  coming  in  at 
night  said  that  he  had  just  heard  from  the  mate  that  our 
own  escape  was  almost  miraculous,  for  if  the  second 
mate  who  was  on  watch  from  twelve  to  four,  had  not 
called  up  the  captain  and  first  mate,  we  should  have  been 
ashore,  for  we  were  very  near,  and  the  reef  lay  exactly 
across  our  track.  The  interest  excited  by  the  whole 
transaction  through  the  ship  was  remarkabley  and  my 
anxiety  about  the  sufferers  engrossed  most  of  my 
thoughts.  Circumstances  added  solemnity  to  my  prayers 
to-day,  but  the  power  of  God,  and  the  approach  of 
death,  kept  me  back  from  God,  till  my  soul  found  its 
encouragement  in  the  promises  of  grace.  In  Christ  I 
feel  safe,  for  I  know  that  all  things  are  mine,  whether 
life  or  death.  M'K.  and  mjrself  prayed  together 
for  the  first  time  to-night. 

2.  We  obtained  no  further  intelligence  reispecting 
the  ship.  I  was  employed  all  the  day  in  writing,  but 
M*K.  took  away  much  of  the  precious  time.  In  the 
afternoon  we  sung  below.  Finished  Dow.  At  night 
enjoyed  nmch  serenity  and  solemnity  of  mind  at  getting 
my  work  done. 

3.  Sunday.  Was  composed  and  comfortable  in 
prayer,  and  free  fi^m  that  distraction  and  anxiety  which 
generally  haunts  me  when  about  to  preach  ;  my  subject 
was  John  iii.  14,  15.  I  had  some  time  for  reading  and 
prayer  afterwards,  but  I  found  it  hard  to  pray;  and 
something  in  Archbishop  Leighton  very  much  dejected 
me.  However,  J  strove  to  keep  nigh  to  God  by  repeat- 
ing Scripture,  in  my  walk.     One  squadron  which  had 


348  JOURNAL.  [1805 

been  detached  from  the  main  fleet,  yesterday  rejoined  it, 
in  consequence  of  the  loss  we  had  sustained,  and  to-day 
we  are  left  behind  by  all  but  one.  Our  captain  was 
much  concerned  at  navigating  in  these  unknown  seas 
alone,  and  therefore  fired  a  shot,  and  made  signal  for 
that  one  ship  to  come  down,  which  at  first  she  refused  to 
do,  but  presently  hoisted  signal  of  an  enemy  in  sight. 
So  that  one  alarm  succeeded  another  with  us  ;  but  they 
were  all  dissipated  towards  night  by  the  main  fleet 
appearing  from  the  mast-head.  The  captain  said  we 
must  have  passed  the  same  island,  the  fatal  Ronas,  last 
night,  within  a  mile  of  it,  and  yet  though  we  had  been 
looking  out  in  every  direction,  we  did  not  see  it.  Thus 
we  may  be  well  said  to  be  walking  in  the  *'  valley  of  the 
shadow  of  death;  "  but  '*  I  fear  no  evil,  thy  rod  and  thy 
staff  will  comfort  me  ;"  but  oh  that  my  conversation  may 
be  in  heaven,  where  if  1  die  I  hope  to  be.  With  what  a 
spirit  ought  I  to  preach,  and  they  to  hear,  when  every 
instant  the  ship  may  strike  on  a  sand-bank.  This  after- 
noon sung  and  read  Baxter's  Call ;  it  was  a  very  affect- 
ing part,  and  the  number  of  hearers  much  greater,  so 
that  I  was  willing  to  believe  that  good  was  doing.  I 
was  wondering  at  myself,  why  I  did  not  rejoice  more, 
and  feel  happy  at  thus  having  the  songs  of  Zion  sung, 
and  the  word  of  God  preached  to  as  many  as  woidd 
come.  I  can  ascribe  it  only  to  this,  that  in  England, 
I  scarcely  ever  had  joy  from  God  alone ;  there  are  so 
many  assistants  to  joy  in  the  society  of  those  we  love, 
that  it  is  comparatively  easy  to  be  happy,  and  we  are 
ready,  (at  least  I  was,)  to  account  it  dl  love  of  God, 
shed  abroad  in  the  heart  by  the  Holy  Ghost;  but  I 
now  find  that  true  joy  in  God,  independent  of  all  worldly 
adjuncts,  is  what  I  am  little  acquainted  with.  In  the 
evening,  till  interrupted  by  M*K.,  the  Lord  answered  my 
supplications,  by  shewing  he  was  with  me  of  a  truth.  I 
was  grieved  at  being  interrupted ;  he  sat  with  me  till  very 
late,  when  he  proposed  prayer ;  but  I  told  him  we  had 
better  have  stated  seasons,  and  not  .wait  till  we  were 
exhausted  by  the  day. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  349 

4.  Had  very  painful  convictions  of  my  deadness  and 
unbelief;  sometimes  prayer  had  so  little  effect  on  my 
mind,  that  I  almost  despaired  of  ever  being  of  any  use 
in  the  world,  I  should  scarcely  be  acknowledged  among 
the  pious  Christians  as  one  at  all,  or  any  thing  but  a 
philosophical  dabbler  in  religion  ;  I  am  far  too  proud, 
instead  of  hanging  as  a  child  on  its  mother's  breast,  I 
can  pass  my  time  far  too  pleasingly  and  continually  with 
my  books,  and  in  pleasures  of  intellect  and  speculations, 
instead  of  living  only  upon  God.  The  coast  of  South 
America  came  in  view  this  morning ;  by  prayer  before 
and  after  dinner,  I  began  to  enjoy  more  comfort  in  my 
thoughts ;  this  moment,  while  I  am  writing,  we  have 
been  speaking  the  Europe,  who  tells  us  the  Britannia  was 
lost  on  the  reef,  but  that  all  were  saved. 

5.  M^niing  chiefly  passed  by  making  extracts 
in  my  common-place-book  from  Milner,  and  from 
Edwards  on  Faith.  The  reflection  that  my  direct 
and  proper  business  was  to  be  a  man  of  prayer, 
encouraged  me  to  pray.  On  the  poop,  the  number 
of  hearers  was  three  or  four  times  as  many,  and  as 
the  gun-deck  above  was  clear,  some  of  the  cadets  and 
midshipmen  heard.  It  is  the  singing,  I  believe,  that 
attracts  them.  There  was  a  solemn  attention  to  Baxter ; 
two  of  the  seamen  came,  which  were  the  first  I  had  seen. 
These  things  would  make  my  heart  overflow  with  grati- 
tude if  I  knew  how  unworthy  I  was  of  being  listened  to  ; 
I  endeavoured  to  be  persuaded  that  my  proper  portion 
every  day  was  extreme  suffering,  and  while  these 
thoughts  remained,  the  flame  of  thankful  love  broke 
out.  The  ministry  in  the  ship  and  mission  were  the 
subject  of  my  thoughts  at  this  time.  At  night  my  soul 
burned  with  zeal;  but  these,  I  fear,  are  transient 
affections. 

6.  A  day  passed  more  with  God  than  any  for  a  long 
time  past.  The  prevailing  reflection  of  my  mind  was 
this,  that  the  whole  of  the  proper  business  of  my  life 
was  prayer.  I  might  write  sermons,  or  read  the. lan- 
guage, but  intercession  for  the  interests  of  the  church. 


350  JOURNAL.  [1805 

was  my  direct  and  proper  occupation,  as  a  missionary. 
This  thought  in  my  mind  served  as  a  constant  check  to 
carnality,  and  my  soul  rejoiced  in  God.  In  prayer  at 
different  times,  my  soul  seemed  to  increase  in  holiness. 
To  plead  with  God  for  a  more  meek  submission  to  his 
holy  will,  and  for  profound  humility  and  resignation,  was 
easy  and  delightful,  while  I  felt  these  tempers  in  some 
degree  of  exercise.  Passed  much  of  the  morning  in 
Hindoostanee.  Was  very  much  tired  about  the  middle 
of  the  day ;  but  the  trial  was  of  short  continuance^  for  I 
was  enabled  to  embrace  by  faith  the  precious  promises, 
and  found  instant  deliverance  from  guilt  and  the  power 
of  corruption.  The  doud  passed  away  and  the  sun- 
shine returned.  With  the  officers  on  dedc  I  had  muck 
conversation  about  drunkenness.  We  were  so  near  the 
shore  of  America,  that  I  could  see  with  a  glass  the 
forests  tiiat  covered  the  whole  land,  and  distinguish  the 
trees  peculiar  to  the  tropics,  with  a  naked  stem  and 
spreading  summit.  The  conversation  after  tea  turning 
on  Hume  and  other  infidels,  I  felt  in  a  most  extraordi- 
nary degree  exasperated  against  their  memory,  and  it 
was  some  time  before  I  could  soothe  the  tumult  by 
prayer.  My  soul  glories  in  the  power  of  Jesus.  "  Why 
do  the  heathen  rage,"  occurred  to  my  memory,  as  apply- 
ing to  those  enemies  of  Jesus.  Christ,  and  of  the  happiness 
of  human  souls  ;  but  the  reign  of  Satan  and  his  agents 
shall  be  short.  ''  I  saw  Satan  like  lightning  fall  from 
heaven."  Began  to-day  to  pray  over  the  passages  of 
Isaiah  that  refer  to  the*  spread  of  the  gospel,  and  found 
God  peculiarly  present  to  my  soul. 

7.  In  general,  to-day,  formal  in  prayer,  particularly 
in  the  one  over  Isaisdi,  in  the  middle  cf  the  day.  Oh 
how  soon  doth  spiritual-mindedness  hasten  to  decays 
This  truth  I  seem  to  be  learning,  that  the  utmost  efforts 
of  reason  are  insufficient  to  elicit  one  spark  of  true  holi- 
ness from  the  mind ;  unless  the  Spirit  lighten  the.sacn* 
fice  with  fire,  from  heaven,  there  it  remains  dead  and 
cold.  . 

8.  Had  a  little  mojre   spirituality  in  prayer,  in  the 


1805]  JOURNAL.  351 

middle  of  the  day,  for  the  church  ;  I  trust  the  Lord  will 
enable  me  to  persevere  in  this.  Prayed  in  the  evening 
with  much  earnestness.  My  soul  seemed  to  rejoice  in 
calling  the  blessed  God  ^my  God  in  Christ  for  ever.  I 
rose  free  from  the  world,  and  appeared  to  speak  freely 
to  him  without  interruption.  From  this  the  great  day 
of  judgment  was  brought  to  my  mind,  with  a  nearness  I 
never  before  experienced.  I  thought  how  ministers 
would  be  called  to  be  judged,  one  by  one,  by  him  who 
was  no  respecter  of  persons,  and  endeavoured  to  think 
of  all  the  solemn  questions  that  Would  be  put  to  them. 
Did  you  **  watch  for  souls,"  &c.  Oh  may  the  judgment 
of  that  great  day  be  ever  present  td  my  mind. 

9.  Uneasy  as  usual  on  the  Saturday,  through  ex- 
cessive anxie^^  about  being  prepared.  Oh  would  that 
my  care  were  from  a  wish  to  approve  myself  to  God. 
Had  a  long  conversation  with  the  Captain  Uiis  evening ; 
made  several  ineffectual  efforts  to  introduce  religion. 
In  the  afternoon,  sung  below,  and  expounded  a  chapter ; 
passed  the  rest  of  the  evening  in  thinking  of  my  subject. 

10.  (Sunday.)  My  soul  in  that  wavering  state,  in 
which  it  so  often  is  on  the  Sabbath  morning,  between 
anxiety,  and  that  spirituality  so  congenial  to  the  holy 
day.  But  it  was  disquietihg  myself  in  vain,  as  on  other 
accounts  we  had  no  service ;  for  soon  after  breakfast,  a 
strange  sail  bore  in  sight,  which  the  Captain,  from  her 
manoeuvres,  took  for  an  enemy  ;  on  vdiich  all  hands  were 
ordered  to  their  quarters,  and  the  ship  cleared  as  much 
as  it  could  be  for  action.  The  soldiers  had  ten  rounds 
of  ball  cartridges.  M.,  who  was  to  command  the  cadets 
on  the  poop  under  Major  D.,  sat  with  me  some  time 
during  the  state  of  suspense.  I  was  much  pleased  with 
his  remarks,  which  were  suitable  to  the  solemnity  of  the 
occasion.  His  post  was  that  of  great  danger,  and  he 
seemed  prepared  to  die.  To  the  Captain  I  could  say 
nothing  of  a  religious  nature  ;  he  was  in  a  great  ferment, 
and  told  me  he  was  determined  rather  to  fight  till  the 
ship  sunk,  than  strike  to  a  privateer.  However,  soon 
after  twelve,  the  ship  bore  away  out  of  sight,  but  it  was 


352  JOURNAL.  [1805 

too  late  for  divine  semce.  At  this  I  again  felt  a  secret 
pleasure,  which  gave  a  deep  wound  to  my  peace. 
However,  after  some  time  spent  in  prayer,  I  was 
brought,  through  grace,  to  a  somewhat  different  state.  I 
therefore  went  and  asked  the  mate  when  we  were  to 
have  service ;  he  said  not  at  all  if  the  rain  continued, 
which  it  did  all  day.  The  last  chapter  of  Colossians 
was  very  applicable  to  me  this  day,  especially  those 
words,  "  Continue  in  prayer,  and  watch  in  the  same 
with  thanksgiving,  withal  praying  for  me  that  a  door 
may  be  opened,  that  I  may  speak  the  mystery  of  Christ.'' 
Oh  here  was  a  door  opened,  but  I  had  no  heart  to  use 
the  opportimity.  "  Say  to  Archippus,  take  heed  to  the 
ministry,  that  thou  fulfil  it."  I  could  substitute  another 
name  for  Archippus.  Had  a  service  below  in  the  after- 
noon, where,  besides  singing,  we  had  Baxter,  and  an 
Exposition  of  the  Scriptures.  Many  were  present,  and 
with  them  two  of  the  cadets  on  the  deck  above,  and  the 
surgeon.  After  tea,  had  a  most  vehement  and  interest- 
ing dispute  with  Captain  O.  in  the  cuddy,  before  a 
great  number  of  the  others.  He  endeavoured  to  main- 
tain that  drunkenness  and  swearing  had  no  harm  in  them, 
and  went  so  far  as  to  say,  that  great  part  of  the  scrip- 
ture was  priestcraft,  and  that  God  was  to  blame  for 
giving  him  such  a  nature.  This  began  from  our  hear- 
ing the  boatswain's  mate  using  the  song  they  sometimes 
sing  out  in  pulling  a  hard  rope. — (This  man  has  lately 
attended  me  regularly,  and  I  was  qiiite  shocked  at  hear- 
ing him  use  such  a  string  of  blasphemies.)  I  pressed 
Captain  O.  with  scripture,  till  he  was  obliged  to  shift 
his  ground.  He  had  nothing  to  say  to  which  the  Lord 
did  not  give  me  a  ready  answer,  but  held  that  drunken- 
ness in  scripture  does  not  apply  to  occasional  drunken- 
ness, and  that  the  law  which  forbade  drunkenness  was 
not  made  till  man  had  been  sometime  in  the  world. 

1 1 .  Writing  letters  all  day.  In  the  afternoon  a  pilot 
came  on  board — told  us  that  had  we  continued  to  steer 
as  we  were  doing,  we  should  have  run  upon  some  rocks, 
where  many  ships  have   been  lost.     Oh  how  sweet  to 


1805]  JOURNAL.  353 

perceive  such  repeated  instances  of  God's  guardian  care. 
At  night,  as  we  drew  near  St.  Salvador,  we  were  much 
alarmed  at  the  danger  of  running  aground.  As  they 
sounded,  the  depth  was  from  ten  to  seven,  and  from 
seven  to  five  fathoms.  The  Captain  roared  out  in  a 
fdry  to  the  pilot,  ^  four  fathom  and  the  ship  is  aground  ! ' 
However,  we  soon  got  into  deep  water,  and  came  to 
just  outside  the  harbour. 

12.  Cried  to  God  for  deliverance  from  that  lively 
interest  about  worldly  things, — such  as  the  new  scenes  I 
visit, — ^with  which  my  soul  is  drawn  away  from  God.  On 
coming  out,  the  coast  of  America  was  close  to  us^ 
beautified  with  much  romantic  scenery.  On  going 
ashore,  saw  for  a  long  time  nothing  but  negro  slaves, 
male  and  female,  very  good-looking  cheerfril  people. 
As  we  stood  on  the  market,  a  great  many  eyed  me  from 
top  to  bottom,  guessing,  I  suppose,  that  I  was  a  padre. 
The  town  exactly  resembled  Funchal,  &c.  (Vide 
Memoir,  p.  137.)  While  I  waited  for  the  boat,  which  was 
a  long  time,  I  sat  in  a  little  shop  on  the  quay,  kept  by  a 
negro.  Here  a  great  number  of  negroes,  men  and 
women,  came  about  me,  and  examined  every  part  of  my 
dress,  as  if  they  had  been  uncivilized  savages.  They 
had  not  been  used  to  such  condescension  I  believe,  for 
they  stood  round  quite  delighted,  all  endeavouring  to 
assist  me  in  spei^ing  the  words,  the  radical  parts  of 
most  of  which  I  knew  from  the  latin.  One  woman 
talked  to  me  with  great  earnestness,  and  asked  repeatedly, 
*  Are  the  English  baptized  ?  '  O  yes,  I  told  her,  and 
thought  '  I  am  one  of  those  supposed  heretics  who  has  a 
precious  gospel  intrusted  to  him  which  he  would  preach 
to  you  if  he  could.^  A  boy  exchanged  a  rosary 
with  a  cross,  for  one  which  I  had  found  on  the  waU 
without  one. 

13.  Early  this  morning  there  was  a  great  storm.  (See 
Memoir,  p.  139.)  Much  of  the  morning  passed  in  reading 
and  prayer.  Read  the  Portuguese  grammar.  Found 
some  comfort  in  prayer  over  Isaiah,  in  the  middle  of  the 
day.     Afterwards  visited  one  of  the  seamen,  who  was 

2  A 


354  JOURNAL.  [1805 

sick  in  his  hammock.  Endeavoured  to  fix  my  thoughts 
on  a  subject ;  but  my  mind  has  been  much  disturbed 
with  the  outward  frame  ;  and  the  heat,  moreover,  very 
oppressive. 

14.  ''  As  for  me  I  will  call  upon  God,  and  the  Lord 
shall  save  me.  Evening  and  morning,  and  at  noon, 
will  I  pray  and  cry  aloud,  and  he  shall  hear  my  voice." 
Psalm  Iv.  16,  17.  This,  I  set  down  as  my  resolve  in 
the  morning,  but  the  bustle  of  the  day  has  prevailed  to 
prevent  my  practising  it.  In  the  morning,  however,  my 
soul  enjoyed  nearness  to  God,  and  some  seriousness  of 
spirit.     Went  ashore  with  Major  D.    ' 

15.  Employed  all  day  in  writing  letters.  Called  in 
the  afternoon  on  board  the  William  Pitt,  East  India- 
man,  to  see  Cecil. 

16.  ''  Blessed  is  the  man  whom  thou  choosest,  and 
causest  to  approach  unto  thee,  that  he  may  dwell  in  thy 
courts  ;  we  shall  be  satisfied  with  the  goodness  of  thy 
house,  even  of  thy  holy  temple."  Psalm  Ixv.  4.  To 
approach  unto  God,  and  to  dwell  in  his  courts,  is  the 
only  satisfaction  my  soid  desireth. 

17.  (Sunday.)  "  There  shall  be  a  handful  of  com 
in  the  earth,  upon  the  top  of  the  mountains,  the  fruit 
thereof  shall  shake  like  Lebanon,  and  they  of  the  city 
shall  flourish  like  grass  of  the  earth."  Psalm  bmi.  16. 
This  has  been  once  fulfilled.  From  the  Gospel  truths 
scattered  by  a  few  fishermen,  saints  have  grown  up 
stately  as  the  cedars,  and  numerous  as  the  blades  of 
grass.  We  are  now  but  a  handful  upon  the  earth ;  when 
shall  it  become  a  rich  harvest  of  souls  1  Preached  on 
John  xvi.  8.  not  without  fear  but  with  rather  more  ten-^ 
demess  than  formerly.  In  the  afternoon  had  the  usual 
service  below,  and  answered  the  objections  of  a  Roman 
Catholic  Serjeant.  As  the  time  for  sending  letters  was 
prolonged,  I  wrote  some  more;  in  the  evening  had  a 
happy  season  of  prayer,  though  it  was  but .  short.  To 
have  God  for  my  God  seemed  to  be  the  real  possession 
of  heaven  on  earth. 

18.  Went  ashore  at  6  o'clock.       (See  Mem.  140.) 


1805]  LETTER.  355 


St.  Salvador,  S.  A.  Nov.  19,  1805. 

My  dear  Sir, 

Our  stay  at  Madeira  was  so  short,  that  I  was  obliged 
to  defer  writing  to  you,  till  our  arrival  at  the  next  port ; 
and  now  we  have  had  such  sudden  notice  of  the  sailing 
of  this  packet  for  Lisbon,  with  the  unfortunate  Captain 
of  the  Britannia,  that  I  shall  not  be  able  to  enlarge  so 
much  as  I  could  wish.  We  were  present  at  part  of  the 
disastrous  scene,  the  particulars  c^  which  you  will  have 
read  before  the  receipt  of  this  letter.  The  ships  had 
gone  to  pieces  before  we  arrived,  but  we  could  perceive 
many  of  the  people  walking  about  on  the  sands.  A 
peculiar  providence  preserved  us  from  being  lost  on  the 
same  rocks,  for  we  past  dose  to  them  twice  in  the 
night  without  perceiving  them  ;  the  first  time,  however, 
we  had  no  suspicion  of  being  within  many  miles  of 
them ;  and  the  second  time,  two  days  after,  on  joining 
the  main  fleet,  from  which  we  had  been  detached,  it 
appeared  we  must  have  past  within  a  mile  of  them,  and 
yet  could  not  see  them,  they  were  so  low.  From  the 
time  of  this  event  we  were  a  single  ship  till  we  reached 
St.  Salvador.  We  crossed  the  Tropic  of  Cancer  on  the 
10th  of  October,  and  the  Line  on  the  30th.  My  health 
has  continued  remarkably  good,  occasionally  indeed  I 
8u£Per  from  relaxation  and  weakness;  but  upon  the 
whole  I  bear  the  heat  as  well  as  any  of  the  passengers.  I 
have  walked  here  for  three  hours  together  in  the  noon- 
tide heat  of  a  vertical  sun  without  any  sensible  incon* 
venience.  My  mind  through  the  rich  mercy  of  God 
enjoys  much  of  that  peace  which  Christ  promises  to  his 
people — **  Peace  I  leave  with  you,  my  peace  I  give 
unto  you.''  I  seem  to  have  lost  a  good  deal  of  that  sa- 
liency  of  spirits,  which  the  company  of  my  dearest 
friends,  and  the  want  of  offensive  objects  around  me 
used  to  inspire.  Here  I  am,  and  have  enough  to  break 
the  heart  of  any  one  who  has  a  concern  for  the  honour  of 
God.     I  perceive  it  therefore,  to  be  my  business  in  life, 

2  A  2 


356  LETTER.  [1805 

not  to  look  for  enjoyment  in  this  world,  which  lieth  in 
wickedness,  but  to  fulfil  as  an  hireling  my  day,  strug- 
gling against  Satan,  and  exposed  as  a  sheep  among 
wolves.  God,  however,  has  so  far  had  compassion  on  his 
unworthy  servants  and  the  perishing  souls  in  the  ship,  as 
to  gather  some  of  his  children  from  amongst  us.  There 
is  a  small  party  of  us,  who  meet  every  day  on  the  orlop 
deck  to  sing  and  hear  an  exposition  of  Scripture.  The 
rest  are  very  hardened  and  contemptuous ;  but  I  trust  I 
shall  have  grace  to  instruct  in  meekness  those  who  op- 
pose themselves.  In  the  mean  time,  my  dear  friend,  you 
will  continue  to  put  up  a  prayer  occasionally  for  me  to  the 
God  of  our  salvation,  who  is  the  confidence  of  the  ends 
of  the  earth,  and  of  them  who  are  afar  off  upon  the  sea. 
It  is  so  long  before  we  are  likely  to  arrive  in  India,  in 
consequence  of  the  Indiamen  being  engaged  in  this  expe- 
dition, that  I  seldom  think  of  it.  We  have  been  already 
seventeen  or  eighteen  weeks,  and  perhaps  may  be  as 
much  loniger.  However,  my  time  passes  very  delight- 
fully in  learning  the  language,  writing  letters,  and  be- 
coming more  acquainted  with  Scripture.  Major  Lam- 
dren  gives  me  but  little  encouragement  to  hope  for  the 
conversion  of  the  natives  of  India.  Being  strangers 
themselves  to  the  power  of  God  over  their  own  hearts, 
they  see  only  the  arm  of  man,  and  therefore  despair. 
My  general  reply  to  them  is  that  which  consoles  me  > 
''  With  men  it  is  impossible,  but  with  God  all  things 
are  possible."  I  have  not  been  much  ashore,  because 
there  are  no  inns ;  but  the  Lord  has  in  kindness  fur- 
nished me  with  a  very  benevolent  friend  in  Corin,  who 
has  given  me  a  generatl  invitation  to  his  home.  I  have 
dined  with  him  once,  and  walked  round  his  plantation. 
The  novelty  of  a  tropical  garden  afforded  me  no  small 
amusement,  and  much  occasion  of  admiring  the  grand 
magnificence  of  the  creating  power  of  God.  There  is 
an  army  of  8,000  men  with  us,  so  that  almost  all  the 
men  I  see  here  are  military  officers.  This  is  a  new 
scene  to  me.  I  hear  nothing  but  the  sound  of  the 
trumpet  and  the  alarm  of  war.     Oh !  that  the  day  were 


1805]  JOURNAL.  357 

come  *'  when  nation  shall  no  more  lift  up  sword  against 
nation." 

I  hope  my  dear  Major,  you  maintain  your  ground 
among  the  enemies  of  the  Gospel  who  are  found  in 
Helston.  Stand  fast,  beloved  brother,  clad  in  the  pano- 
ply of  God,  in  truth,  in  righteousness,  in  peace,  in 
faith,  with  the  word  of  God.  I  delight  to  offer  a  word 
of  encouragement  to  the  feeble.  I  know  that  your  God 
in  whom  you  trust  will  be  your  strong  rock  and  defence. 
Eliza,  I  may  venture  to  hope  grows  in  grace ;  as  she 
reads  this,  let  her  be  assured  of  my  affectionate  remem- 
brances.   Compliments  to .    Those  who  are  united 

to  me  in  the  sacred  bond  of  the  Gospel  must  not  be 
forgotten.  In  the  utmost  haste,  I  conclude,  dear  sir, 

H.  M. 


20.  *'  Holiness  becometh  thine  house  for  ever,'* 
Psalm  xciii.  5. — Holiness  the  everlasting  ornament  of 
heaven,  and  the  inhabitants  of  it.  Yes,  it  is  an  orna- 
ment which  my  soul  shall  seek.  Found  the  presence  of 
God  this  morning,  and  my  soul  was  delighted  with  his 
comforts  ;  I  was  blest  with  a  clear  view  of  my  duty  in  re- 
spect of  the  ministry.  Captain  P.  of  the  W.  Pitt,  Bor 
tany-Bay-man,  came  on  board  to  beg  me  to  baptize  a 
child  of  Mr.  Bale,  who  was  going  out  in  some  office 
under  government  to  Botany  Bay.  I  was  quite  rejoiced 
at  the  Lord's  thus  opening  a  way  to  the  convicts  without 
my  asking  it  as  a  favour  of  the  captain.  I  went  aboard 
with  twenty  Testaments,  a  few  copies  of  the  Bible, 
Saint's  Rest,  Call  to  the  Unconverted,  Flavel's  Saint 
Indeed,  and  a  variety  of  tracts.  The  baptism  was  per- 
formed in  the  captain's  cabin  before  dinner,  Mrs.  S.  and 
the  mother  stood  godmothers,  and  Captain  B.  godfather. 
I  was  grieved  to  see  with  what  levity  they  seemed  to 
treat  this  sacrament.  After  dinner  I  walked  out  in 
hopes  of  talking  with  some  of  the  convicts,  but  staid  so 
long  with  the  chief  mate  conversing  about  them,  that  it 
grew  dark.     Captain  B.  granted  my  request  to  preach 


358  JOURNAL.  [1805 

to  them,  and  said  he  should  be  very  happy  to  have  me, 
whenever  I  should  like  to  come.  So  now,  may  the  Lord 
give  me  a  heart  and  utterance. 

23.  (See  Mem.  p.  147,  148.)  They  revived  the 
dispute,  but  they  were  how  more  prepared,  and  began 
to  act  on  the  offensive.  Lamented  my  danger  with 
much  apparent  tenderness ;  the  chief  speaker  said,  ^  he 
was  my  friend,*  but  alas,  his  friendship  could  not  bring 
me  to  heaven  with  him.  Well,  said  I,  I  am  willing  to 
become  a  Roman  Catholic,  if  you  can  convince  me  that 
it  is  the  true  religion,  but  first,  let  me  ask,  you  wiU 
expect  me  to  worship  images,  and  the  Virgin  ?— Yes. 
What  in  spite  of  the  second  commandment  ?— Yes.  In 
defence  of  the  worship  of  the  Virgin,  they  said,  *  She  is 
the  mother  of  God.*  They  quoted  also  the  text  at  the 
end  of  John,  **  Woman,  behold  thy  son/'  "  Son,  behold 
thy  mother :  "  Saying  that  these  words  were  addressed 
to  us  in  the  person  of  John.  *  But  what  ground  is  here 
for  worshipping  her  ? '  said  I,  *  we  don't  worship  our 
parents' ;  but  they  ceased  immediately  to  act  on  the 
defensive.  I  asked  one  *  whether  he  believed  his  pre- 
sent life  as  a  friar  was  according  to  the  will  of  God  ? '  he 
said,  *  he  did  not  know.'  Here  I  began  to  breathe 
again,  for,  thought  I,  this  man  is  certainly  not  upright 
in  the  sight  of  God,  but  his  tenderness,  affection,  and 
humility,  so  exactly  resembling  the  true  demeanour  of 
saints,  made  me  tremble  to  think  what  little  evidence 
I  had  in  my  own  temper,  of  being  more  right  in  my 
principles  than  he.  We  parted  with  mutual  lamenta- 
tions over  one  another.     (Vide  Mem.  p.  148.)  >^ 

24.  (Sunday.)  Preached  on  Ephes.  ii.  18,  and  had 
great  assistance.  Oh  how  delightful  to  preach  the 
gospel  where  the  Spirit  of  God  vouchsafes  his  blessing. 
Baptised  a  child  which  was  brought  from  the  Comet, 
East-Indiaman.  Read  and  sung  below  in  the  afternoon, 
my  heart  still  continuing  very  happy  and  joyful.  Having 
heard  that  the  cadets  are  to  be  employed  in  a  body  in 

the  expedition,  I  spoke  on  the  subject  to  M and 

B ,  the  former  of  whom  seemed   to  be   thinking 


1805]  JOURNAL.  359 

with  some  seriousness.  In  the  evening  had  a  sea- 
son of  prayer  for  the  church  in  England,  and  for 
myself  in  the  concerns  of  the  mission,  which  was 
solemnizing. 

25.  Psalm  cvi.  3 — 5.  **  Remember  me,  Q  Lord, 
with  the  favour  that  thou  bearest  unto  thy  people :  O 
visit  me  with  thy  salvation  ;  that  I  may  see  the  good  of 
thy  chosen,  that  I  may  rejoice  in  the  gladness  of  thy 
nation,  that  I  may  glory  with  thine  inheritance.'*  I  want 
the  testimonies  of  the  love  of  God  ;  I  feel  often  serious, 
often  weaned  from  the  world,  but  seldom  joyful :  O 
why  should  I  not  rejoice  in  the  gladness  of  thy  nation  ? 
Though  I  have  lost  the  company  of  those  whom  I  love 
best  upon  earth,  the  chief  source  of  this  pleasure  is  the 
same  to  me  as  to  them.  But  I  have  a  stupid  indolence 
and  unbelief.  Went  on  board  the  W.  Pitt,  East 
Indiaman,  and  conversed  a  considerable  time  with  young 
Cecil.  In  prayer  about  the  middle  of  the  day  over 
Isaiah  xlix.  found  great  benefit  to  my  soul.  Still  there 
is  great  unbelief  respecting  the  promises  of  the  increase 
of  the  church.  In  the  evening  had  some  assistance  in 
struggling  against  a  carnal  mind,  and  spiritual  things 
were  brought  home  to  my  soul  with  power.  Oh  eter- 
nity !  Oh  that  I  had  constantly  the  remembrance  of  it. 
Feeling  great  energy  in  prayer  on  a  certain  subject,  I 
endeavoured  to  write  upon  it,  but  warmth  of  thought 
soon  declined.  Another  cadet  conversed  with  me  very 
serioi^ly  this  evening,  on  the  subject  of  the  approaching 
expedition.  In  an  affray  ashore  the  night  before,  one 
officer  was  killed,  one  dangerously  wounded,  three  mis- 
sing, all  belonging  to  the  Glory.  Oh,  in  what  a  state 
are  they  hurried  to  judgment. 

26.  Isaiah  xlviii.  17.  '*  I  am  the  Lord  thy  God, 
that  teacheth  thee  to  profit,  who  leadeth  thee  by  the  way 
that  thou  shouldest  go."  In  all  my  unprofitableness 
and  waywardness,  this  is  an  encouraging  support  to  my 
soul,  that  God  will  still  teach  his  creatures  how  to  live 
aright.  Though  I  have  neglected  his  teachings,  though 
I  have  consequently  been  doing  little  or  nothing,  still  it 


360  JOURNAL.  [1805 

is  the  covenant  attribute  of  God  to  afford  his  gracious 
instructions  for  the  time  •  to  come.  Walked  more 
strictly  and  carefully  to-day,  and  had  more  of  the  divine 
presence.  After  breakfast  I  was  about  Hindoostanee. 
Finished  Orme's  Hindoostan,  and  began  Scott's  His- 
tory of  Deccan.  Heard  that  one  of  the  soldiers  was 
dying,  and  went  down  instantly,  but  the  poor  man  was 
insensible.  He  had  been  ill  a  long  time,  and  I  knew 
nothing  of  it. 

27.  The  same  subject  remained  on  my  mind  this 
morning  in  prayer ;  employed  about  sermon  and  Hin- 
doostanee. In  the  midst  of  preparations  for  war,  we 
met  this  afternoon  and  sang,  I  expounded  1  Cor.  xv. 
which  for  want  of  time,  I  had  omitted  this  morning, 
when  I  read  the  funeral  service  over  the  man.  He  was 
not  committed  to  the  deep  over  the  ship's  side,  but  car- 
ried out  to  some  distance  in  the  bay.  The  Lascars  in 
the  boat  would  not  touch  the  body.  Had  free  access  to 
God  in  prayer  in  the  evening.  Dear  friends  in  England 
and  the  church  in  general,  were  as  last  night,  the  sub- 
ject of  my  intercession  ;  afterwards  wrote  sermon. 

28,  **  Pray  for  the  peace  of  Jerusalem,  they  shall 
prosper  that  love  thee."  Psalm  cxxii.  I  seldom  read 
this  psalm  without  a  pensive  pleasure,  arising  from 
the  recollection  of  the  day  when  I  took  leave  of 
Cambridge;  they  that  love  the  church  of  God  will 
prosper  in  their  souls,  and  they  that  are  prosperous 
themselves,  will  be  sure  to  pray  that  the  church  may 
prosper ;  so  these  imply  each  other.  This  morning  the 
fleet  sailed  from  St.  Sidvador.  I  have  been  with  my 
friend  Signor  Antonio,  only  *  as  a  wayfaring  man,  that 
tarrieth  but  for  a  night.'  Yet  hath  the  Lord  put  it  into 
his  heart  to  send  me  on  after  a  godly  sort.  Once 
more  we  prosecute  our  voyage;  a  few  more  passages, 
and  I  shall  find  myself  in  the  scene  of  my  ministry ;  a 
few  more  changes  and  journeys,  and  I  am  in  eternity. 
Read  Hindoostanee  in  the  afternoon ;  expounded  Luke 
xvi.  In  the  evening  sat  as  much  as  I  could  with  M*K. 
who  is  ill  of  a  fever,  but  from  sea-sickness  I  was  obliged 


1805]  JOURNAL.  361 

to  be  frequently  on  deck.     Kneeling  down  to  prayer  at 
night)  brought  on  vertigo  and  sickness. 

29.  Ps.  cxxx.  6.  *  •My  soul  waiteth  for  the  Lord, 
more  than  they  that  watch  for  the  morning."  Being 
awoke  by  the  wind  and  rain  long  before  day-light,  I 
waited  for  the  morning  with  some  anxiety,  but  though 
my  soul  findeth  more  pleasure  in  the  light  of  God's 
countenance,  than  the  eye  does  in  returning  day,  I 
fear  I  do  not  wait  for  him  in  the  way  of  faith  and 
prayer.  I  was  sea-sick  all  the  morning,  and  very  weak 
from  its  continuance  yesterday  and  to-day.  I  tliought 
of  England  as  I  sat  on  the  poop,  but  not  with  tiiat 
degree  of  inward  misery,  as  when  I  left  Cork.  The 
benefit  of  perishing  millions  was  the  object,  and  that 
animated  me  to  suffer  quietly.  Was  much  grieved  at 
some  things  I  heard  and  observed,  in  three  of  the  most 
established  saints  in  the  ship  ;  this  among  other  things 
was  a  source  of  seriousness  in  my  prayer  in  the  after- 
noon. The  Lord  teach  his  ignorant  creature  to  edify 
his  church,  as  I  am  over  thine  in  the  Lord ;  let  me  have 
grace  and  wisdom  to  admonish  them,  not  as  a  lord  over 
God's  heritage,  but  as  an  ensample  to  the  flock. 

30.  The  gale  continues ;  but  through  the  loving- 
kindness  of  the  Lord,  I  have  been  tolerably  free  from 
that  distressing  sensation  of  sea-sickness.  How  shall  I 
become  more  active  in  improving  my  hours  of  health  to 
his  service  ?  Did  nothing  this  morning,  but  the  casual 
exercise  of  reading  and  prayer,  which  filled  it  all  up 
without  any  extraordinary  exercise  of  devotion.  I  wish 
I  had  a  deeper  conviction  of  the  sinfulness  of  sloth.  Oh, 
when  shall  I  make  a  duty  of  activity  in  holy  things. 
The  hatches  being  fastened  down,  there  was  no  light  to 
read  below,  and  besides,  the  heat  was  so  great,  that  with 
my  weak  state  of  stomach,  I  could  not  have  borne  it. 
Finding  my  mind  in  a  solemn  state,  and  disposed  to  be 
thankful,  that  God  gave  me  to  find  enjoyment  in  this 
dark  tempestuous  scene,  when  others  were  at  a  loss  for 
amusement,  I  retired  to  prayer :  how  affecting  is  the 
consideration,  that  God  is  present  to  me  in  a  certain 


362  JOURNAL.  [1805 

degree  in  such  a  place  as  this,  where  the  angry  ocean 
lashed  into  surges  frowns  all  around  with  a  misty,  dark- 
ness. Employed  till  bed-time  in  preparation  for  to- 
morrow. 

December,  1.  (Sunday.)  The  weather  being  squally, 
and  a  great  deal  of  work  to  do  in  the  ship,  there  was  no 
service.     I  passed  my  time  very  comfortably  in  reading 

the  service  and  prayer  till came  in,  when  I  read 

some  of  Merrick's  Psalms,  and  found  my  soul  at  times 
full  of  joy  ;  after  dinner  went  below,  and  found  none 
but  Corporal  B.  who  could  sing,  all  the  rest  of  my  choir 
being  employed  upon  deck.  He  was  so  heavy  and  un- 
willing, and  so  little  inclined  seemingly  to  get  my  people 
together,  that  I  was  quite  grieved:  however,  I  was 
resolved  to  make  an  effort  towards  having  something 
like  a  service,  and  so  I  stayed  the  usual  time,  singing  a 
few  hymns  with  him,  and  expounding  Luke  xvii.  to  a 
few  people  there.  But  it  was  a  very  melancholy  season ; 
every  thing  seemed  languid  and  lifeless.  I  went  and  sat 
on  the  poop  to  take  the  air,  musing  in  some  dejection 
at  the  bad  appearance,  of  things  amongst  us,  and  was 
ready  to  take  refuge  in  the  reflection,  that  I  was  not  to 
blame,  that  I  was  willing  to  lay  myself  out  for  them, 
and  never  to  cease  instructing  them  for  a  single  day, 
both  in  public  and  private.     Had  several  conversations 

with  Captain  S S and  S saved  from  the 

Britannia,  but  all  to  no  purpose ;  after  advancing  a 
little  way  on  religion,  they  change  the  subject  of  con*- 
versation,  or  turn  away.  In  the  evening  had  a  long  and 
pleasant  remembrance  of  friends,  and  particular  scenes 
in  England,  especially  at  Cambridge,  and  took  a  view  of 
what  had  been  my  thoughts  with  respect  to  my  mission, 
and  what  was  my  present  duty  and  prospect  I  found 
pleasure  in  the  thought  of  dying  entirely  to  the  world, 
and  departing  far  from  friends,  and  every  thing  that  can 
fasten  me  to  it,  in  order  to  dwell  alone  with  God,  and 
learn  by  his  immediate  instruction,  what  is  to  be  done 
for  the  kingdom  of  Christ,  and  to  receive  from«him  a 
heart  and  a  mind  to  work. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  363 

2.  ^' Cause  me  to  hear  thy  loving'*kiadness  in  the 
morning,  for  in  thee  do  I  trust.  Cause  me  to  know  the 
way  wherein  I  should  walk,  for  I  lift  up  my  heart  unto 
Thee.  Teach  me  to  do  Thy  will,  for  Thou  art  my  God. 
Thy  Spirit  is  good,  lead  me  into  the  land  of  upright- 
ness.'* Psalm  cxliii.  8,  10.  Lord,  I  am  blind  and  help- 
less, stupid  and  ignorant;  Cause  me  to  heat ;  cause  me 
to  know ;  teach  me  to  do ;  lead  me.  When  I  kneel  to  pray, 
I  scarcely  know  what  to  ask,  so  ignorant  am  I  of  my 
wants ;  when  I  am  most  enlightened  by  God,  I  see  my 
wants  more  clearly.  Had  some  thoughts  of  demoting 
this  day  to  prayer,  but  sea  sickness  prevented  it.  In  the 
afternoon  expounded  Luke  xviii.  to  the  soldiers.  Cor- 
poral B.  came  to  my.  cabin  in  the  evening  for  some 
music  books,  and  I  embraced  the  opportunity  of  con- 
versing with  him  about  the  men.  But  I  could  get 
nothing  instructive  from  him.  My  own  mind  was 
deeply  impressed  with  the  awfulness  of  the  occasion, 
and  wanted  to  see  something  of  the  same  spirit  in  him, 
especially  as  he  himself  was  one  of  the  persons  con^ 
cerned  in  the  approaching  danger.  But  there  was 
nothing  of  the  sort ;  I  was  grieved  with  his  intolerable 
lukewarmness  and  littleness  of  thought.  Perhaps  it  was 
the  peculiar  state  of  my  own  mind  at  the  time,  that 
could  not  bear  indifference  in  another,  on  what  I  had 
my  thoughts  so  engrossed,  but  I  felt  quite  vexed  at  his 
speaking  on  any  other  business,  but  that  of  the  impend- 
ing scene  of  battle.  Another  of  my  people  had  occasion 
to  come  to  me  at  night,  and  I  had  reason  to  lament  the 
same  want  of  serious  reflection  in  him.  Oh  wretched 
creatures  that  we  are,  when  shall  we  please  Thee,  O 
God  ?  O  teach  us  to  gird  up  the  loins  of  our  minds, 
to  be  sober  and  holy.  Make  them  as  well  as  me  to  have 
a  tender  regard  to  the  souls  of  their  perishing  fellow- 
creatures. 

3.  Designed  to  set  apart  this  day  to  fasting  and 
prayer,  in  behalf  of  the  ship.  I  found  my  soul  mount- 
ing heavenward  at  the  prosp)ect  of  what  was  to  be  my 
employment  to-day.    From  nine  to  three,  my  soul  found 


364  JOURNAL.  [1805 

the  especial  presence  of  God»  in  four  successive  seasons 
of  prayer,  but  in  none  of  these  was  my  heart  enlarged 
in  intercession  for  the  people  of  the  ship.  I  tried  again 
and  again,  but  found  no  words  to  continue  speaking  for 
them,  so  that  my  object  for  them  has  not  been  attained, 
and  I  fear  that  I  cannot  again  venture  to  fast  with 
prayer  for  some  time,  as  the  position  of  the  body  and 
exercise  of  mind  so  weakened  me,  and  produced  such  a 
headache,  that  I  was  fit  for  nothing  at  night,  nor  even 
the  next  morning.  From  three  till  four  interceded  with 
serious  and  delightful  feelings  for  the  church,  from 
Isaiah  I.  Iviii.  After  taking  some  tea  in  the  evening,  I 
prayed  again  with  a  heart  overflowing  with  joy ;  I  could 
call  God  my  own  God  in  Christ ;  I  could  say  in  the 
spirit  of  adoption,  Abba,  Father ;  nothing  appeared  desi- 
rable in  the  universe,  but  God,  and  so  I  felt  exceedingly 
happy  in  possessing  all  that  was  good.  In  prayer  that 
God  would  glorify  himself,  I  cared  not  by  what  instru- 
ment ;  I  truly  felt  willing  to  be  despised,  and  forgotten, 
so  God's  purposes  were  accomplished  respecting  the  set- 
ting up  of  his  kingdom  in  the  world. 

4.  "  His  delight  is  in  the  law  of  the  Lord,  and  in 
his  law  doth  he  meditate  day  and  night."  Ps.  i.  It  is 
the  thoughtful  and  heavenly-minded  Christian,  that 
will  be  the  thriving  one.  I  suppose  sometimes  that  an 
uninterrupted  waiting  upon  God  in  fixed  meditation, 
would  raise  the  soul  to  the  highest  pitch  of  devotion, 
but,  alas  I  the  weakness  of  the  flesh  interposes  a  barrier. 
If  the  body  and  mind  be  exercised  too  long,  the  soul 
sinks  again ;  almost  all  this  day  has  been  lost  through 
fatigue  of  body  and  mind.  The  sensible  feeling  of  love, 
or  joy,  or  the  exercise  of  thought,  put  my  body  to  pain. 
I  was  chiefly  on  deck,  low  and  languid,  but  enjoying  a 
peaceful  serenity  of  mind.  Going  below  in  the  after- 
noon, I  found  that  Captain  O.  had  given  strict  orders 
that  no  one  should  go  down,  and  even  set  a  sentry  to 
prevent  it.  I  went  and  talked  to  him  about  it ;  he  said 
that  any  might  go  down,  if  they  went  for  the  purpose  of 
hearing  me,  but  my  object  is  effectually  prevented,  for  I 


1805]  JOURNAL.  365 

hoped  to  call  the  attention  of  those  who  were  careless. 
The  Lord  now  direct  me  how  to  act,  and  strengthen  me, 
M^K.  stayed  with  me  the  whole  of  the  evening,  and  we 
were  conversing  about  England.  Dearest  Lydia !  never 
wilt  thou  cease  to  be  dear  to  me;  still  the  glory  of  God, 
and  the  salvation  of  immortal  souls,  is  an  object  for 
which  I  can  part  with  thee.  Let  us  live  then  for  God, 
separate  from  one  another,  since  such  is  his  holy  wiU. 
Hereafter  we  shall  meet  in  a  happier  region,  and  if  we 
shall  have  lived  and  died,  denying  ourselves  for  Crod, 
triumphant  and  glorious  will  our  meeting  be. 

5.  **  In  thy  fear  will  I  worship  toward  thy  holy 
temple."  Ps.  Ivii.  Christ  is  that  holy  temple,  toward 
which  I  look  in  prayer :  within  him  my  prayers,  poor, 
and  distracted  as  they  are,  shall  come  up  with  acceptance 
on  his  altar.  How  is  it  that  my  soul  does  not  draw 
back  unto  perdition  ?  There  is  an  invisible  intercession 
made  on  my  behalf,  and  a  secret  influence  operating 
upon  me.  Employed  as  usual  in  reading  the  Hindoo 
Storyteller,  and  writing  sermon.     Found  an  opportunity 

of  speaking  to  Captain about  his  evil  temper  and 

peevishness ;  it  was  no  small  cross,  for  he  is  so  terrible, 
scarcely  any  one  can  approach  him,  and  I  was  obliged 
to  use  all  my  address ;  he  bore  it  very  well,  and  con- 
fessed it  wrong.  With  Captain  S.  a  man  of  mild  man- 
ners, though  utterly  destitute  of  religion,  I  converse 
every  day :  he  seemed  anxious  that  I  should  have  my 
own  way  with  respect  to  instructing  the  soldiers,  and 
said  I  should  have  one  or  two  Serjeants  to  bring  the 
men  up  from  below,  as  soon  as  I  came  up  myself.  My 
mind  has  been  running  on  Lydia,  and  the  happy  scenes 
in  England,  very  much ;  particularly  on  that  day  when  I 
walked  with  her  on  the  sea-shore,  and  with  a  wistful  eye 
looked  over  the  blue  waves  that  were  to  bear  me  from 
her.  While  walking  the  deck,  I  longed  to  be  left  alone, 
that  my  thoughts  might  run  at  random.  Tender  feelings 
on  distant  scenes,  do  not  leave  me  indisposed  for  conmiu- 
nion  with  God ;  that  which  is  present  to  the  outward 
senses  is  the  greatest  plague  to  me.     Went  among  the 


366  JOURNAL.  [1805  - 

soldiers  in  the  afternoon,  distributing  oranges  to  those 
who  are  scorbutic.  My  heart  was  for  some  hours  expand- 
ing with  joy  and  love ;  but  I  have  reason  to  think  that 
the  state  of  the  body  has  great  influence  on  the  frames 
and  feelings  of  the  mind.  Let  the  rock  of  my  consola- 
tions be  not  a  variable  feeling,  but  Jesus  Christ  and  his 
righteousness. 

6.  Our  Captain  going  aboard  the  Commodore,  by  a 
signal,  brought  back  the  information,  that  the  Cape 
was  our  object,  and  that  a  stout  resistance  was  expected  ; 
and  that  it  would  be  five  weeks  yet  before  we  should 
arrive  thither.  The  minds  of  all  were  set  in  motion  by 
this  account,  as  few,  I  believe,  expected  hard  fighting. 
My  thoughts,  always,  alas  I  too  vividly  alive  to  what 
does  not  belong  to  me,  needed  to  be  csJmed  and  spiri- 
tualized by  prayer,  and  the  Lord  helped  me  to  meditation 
on  things  in  connexion  with  eternity.  Visited  this 
morning,  the  ship's  steward,  and  found  him  dangeroiisly 
ill  of  a  fever ;  it  was  a  melancholy  sight.  He  lay  con- 
vulsed, with  the  gunner  standing  by  him,  holding  a 
burning  lamp,  which  would  scarcely  burn,  the  air  was 
so  bad,  and  the  place  withal  so  hot,  being  directly  under 
the  copper,  that  it  was  altogether  almost  intolerable. 
As  it  was  not  convenient  for  him  to  attend  to  me  then, 
I  promised  to  come  in  the  afternoon,  which  I  did,  after 
a  very  solemn  season  in  prayer  for  a  fit  frame  to  min* 
ister  to  a  dying  man.  In  answer  to  a  few  of  my  ques- 
tions, he  said,  he  had  a  good  hope,  gave  up  all  his  mind 
to  religion,  and  put  his  trust  in  God,  &c.  I  bid  him 
remember  the  sins  of  his  life,  his  swearing,  sabbath- 
breaking,  &c.  and  particularly  with  this,  that  he  had 
always  been  in  the  habit  of  pleasing  himself,  and  not 
God.  This  seemed  to  strike  him,  he  groaned  and  said, 
'  it  is  very  true.'  I  went  on  showing  the  aggravations 
of  his  wickedness,  and  at  last  asked  him  again,  *  Do  you 
believe,  that  if  God  should  refuse  to  hear  you  now, 
in  the  same  manner  as  you  have  refused  to  hear  him, 
he  would  be  just  and  right  ? '  To  this  he  now  answered 
in  the  language  of  a  person  convinced.     I  put  this  ques- 


1805J  JOURNAL.  367 

tion  to  him  in  every  variety  of  forms,  and  he  always 
returned  a  satisfactory  answer.  I  began  to  hope  his 
heart  was  melting  under  the  influence  of  the  spirit  of 
God,  and  after  asking  him  the  other  important  question, 
*  Do  you  desire  to  become  a  new  creature,  if  it  should 
please  Grod  to  spare  you  ? '  he  replied,  as  a  person 
unconscious  of  innate  depravity  and  helplessness,  but 
with  great  earnestness.  I  ventured  to  proceed  to  the 
gospel.  But  here  I  had  a  difficulty  as  before,  to  sho^ 
him,  that  God  would  not  save  him  for  his  repentance  or 
faith,  any  more  than  for  his  works  ;  in  short,  for  nothing 
in  himsdf.  I  then  read  the  fifty-first  Psalm  to  him,  and 
John  vi.  and  went  to  prayer.  In  the  evening  on  deck 
by  moonlight,  I  had  a  conversation  for  nearly  an  hour, 
directly  in  pointy  on  the  subject  of  religion,  with  Mrs. 
S.  I  was  surprised  at  her  increase  of  religious  know 
ledge  of  late.  The  most  important  part  was  this,  that 
when  I  asked  her,  *  Can  you  say  that  you  would  do  all 
the  will  of  God,  without  any  reserve,  as  far  as  you  know 
it? '  She  said,  *  that  I  would.'  *  Why,  then  it  is  very 
plain,  (said  I,)  that  you  ought  to  see  day  by  day,  what 
the  will  of  God  is,  if  you  wish  to  practise  it.'  On  this 
she  promised  that  she  would  read  the  Bible  every  day 
for  the  future. 

7.  Expounded  a  chapter  in  St.  Mark,  and  sung ; 
in  the  afternoon  a  man  froni  the  upper  deck  continued 
looking  down  upon  us  with  such  a  malicious  sneer,  that 
I  had  much  ado  to  keep  my  temper.  Presently  after, 
another  came,  roaring  out  for  my  chief  singer  to  come 
away,  as  he  was  wanted,  and  continued  to  disturb  us 
with  his  noise.  I  went  out  at  the  conclusion  of  the  ser- 
vice to  the  forecastle,  to  see  if  the  Serjeant  had  sent  for 
him,  and  there  I  spoke  to  the  men  with  some  severity. 
In  visiting  the  ship's  steward,  whom  I  found  recovering, 
I  met  with  a  sailor,  and  a  very  sensible  one,  waiting 
upon  him,  with  whom  I  had  a  long  and  close  conversa- 
tion. As  he  said  he  would  come  to  the  same  place  as 
soon  as  he  was  off  watch  and  hear  me  read,  if  I  could 
make  it  convenient  to  come,  I  went  at  eight,  and  ex« 


368  JOURNAL.  [1805 

pounded  John  v.  One  of  the  midshipmen  came  and 
was  very  attentive  ;  I  did  not  go  to  prayer,  as  in  the 
place  to  which  he  had  shifted,  the  hammocks  were 
putting  up  all  around,  and  many  persons  around  us 
about  their  different  business.  The  steward  seemed  to 
be  strong  in  his  resolutions,  but  had  litde  of  a  right 
spirit. 

8.  (Sunday.)  Preached  on  Mark  viii.  34,  35.  and 
there  was  much  attention.  Going  below,  I  found  every 
thing  in  greater  busde  than  ever.  Sent  for  the  singers, 
but  none  came.  Nothing  now  seems  to  disconcert  me ; 
so  in  the  midst  of  noise  and  oaths,  I  began  to  read  Pil- 
grim's Progress  ;  but  presentiy  a  serjeant  came  by,  and 
with  many  a  blasphemy  counted  several  of  the  watch,  as  he 
said,  among  my  hearers,  and  flew  off  to  get  the  sentry. 
I  told  whoever  was  on  the  watch  to  go  up  ;  I  then  went 
on,  but  immediately  a  squall  coming  on,  the  hatches 
were  shut  down,  and  I  was  obliged  to  retire  after  con- 
versing with  a  few.  Two  or  three  soldiers  felt  for  me 
more  than  I  did  for  myself,  and  seemed  to  wish 
to  atone  by  their  attention  for  the  ill  behaviour  of 
the  rest.  At  night  M'K.  staid  so  long  that  it  was  too 
late  to  go  and  read  to  the  steward,  as  I  intended,  an 
omission  which  wounded  my  conscience  considerably ; 
but,  oh  my  soul !  be  not  dispirited  in  thy  work,  but  be 
roused  to  redoubled  diligen(:e. 

9.  Psalm  xvii.  7.  "  Shew  thy  marvellous  loving- 
kindness,  O  thou  that  savest  by  thy  right  hand."  What 
but  marvellous  loving-kindness  could  save  such  a 
wretched  creature  1  By  irregularity  in  morning  duties, 
and  putting  them  out  of  their  proper  place,  I  had 
nearly  lost  all  comfortable  sense  of  divine  things. 
Littie  or  nothing  done  in  my  studies.  Cried  to  God 
again  in  behalf  of  myself  and  the  ship,  with  some 
feeling  sense  of  things.  I  found  it  most  suitable 
to  humble  myself  as  one  of  them,  rather  than  intercede 
for  them  as  one  more  righteous.  In  prayer  before  din- 
ner, my  soul  was  wonderfully  restored  by  those  words 
in  Piahn  Ixvi.  10.  ''  Rejoice  ye  with  Jerusalem,  and  be 


1805]  JOURNAL.  369 

glad  with  her,  all  ye  that  kiye  her,  rejoice  for  joy  with 
her,  all  ye  that  moum  for  her,  that  ye  may  suck  and  be 
satisfied  with  the  breasts  of  her  consolations,  that  ye 
may  milk  out  and  be  delighted  with  the  abundance  of 
her  glory."  Here  is  a  promise  that  our  desires  shaU  be 
satisfied.  Those  who  wish  tihe  progress  of  the  churchy 
shall  hereafter  see  it  and  enjoy  it.  They  shall  surely  be 
delighted  with  the  abundance,  of  her  glory.  I  thought 
on  the  perfection  of  beauty  and  holiness  of  God's  peo- 
ple in  that  day,  and  felt  strong  and  fervent  desires  to 
be  entirely  holy  unto  God  now,  and  to  shew  myself  an 
instance  before  all  men  of  the  image  of  Christ.  Below 
deek  afterwards  I  felt  something  of  the  same  spirit, 
saying  to  myself,  Now  let  my  soul  be  ardent,  let  me 
speak  as  one  in  earnest ;  let  me  remember  what  I  think 
when  I  am  in  prayer  for  them.  Expounded  Matt.  zi. 
When  I  spoke  to  them  of  the  guilt  of  Capernaum,  that 
it  repented  not  at  the  preaching  of  the  gospel,  and 
applied  to  this  ship  how  they  had  it  preached  every 
Sietbbath  and  every  day,  there  seemed  to  be  much  solemn 
attention.  Staid  below  for  some  time  after  to  speak 
with  an  old  man  and  soldier,  who  had  been  seized  with 
cholera  morbus  this  morning  ;  but  seemed  to  gain  little 
ground.  The  same  things  however  seemed  to  succeed  with 
his  mind  as  the  steward's ;  '  Have  you  not  lived  every 
day  as  you  liked  best  yourself,  without  cdhsidering  what 
was  the  will  of  God  ? — If  tiien  Grod  were  to  treat  you 
as  you  have  done  him,  i.  e.  not  hear  you,  but  cast  you 
into  hell,  would  He  not  be  doing  right?'  To  all  which 
he  professed  his  assent,  with  some  apparent  conviction. 
Going  afterwards  to  the  forecastle,  B.  the  same  soldier 
who  had  behaved  with  such  impudence  to  me  before, 
took  care  to  make  one  of  his  wicked  speeches  to 
the  rest  who  sat  near  him,  just  as  I  was  passing ; 
on  which  I  turned  and  entered  into  conversation  with 
him  and  the  rest,  detenmned  to  see  whether  the  devil 
should  remain  master  of  the  field  or  no.  B.  broached 
the  most  blasphemous  and  abominable  sentiments  ;  said 
he  was  determined  he  would  never  pray,  for  if  he  did, 

2  B 


370  JOURNAJL.  [1805 

he  should  not  he  ahle  to  fight ;  that  he  was  a  soldier, 
and  rohhery  was  his  business ;  that  he  would  rob  his 
father  for  grog ;  that  he  had  often  robbed,  and  would 
continue  to  do  so.  I  shuddered  at  this  wretched 
bravado,  but  persisted  in  shewing  the  folly  and  mad- 
ness of  all  these  thoughts,  till  the  ringleader,  B.  rose 
up  and  went  his  way,  and  then  the  rest  listened 
to   me   in    silence.     At    night,    in  conversation   with 

,  upon  deck,  who,  with  all  his  wickedness  woidd 

talk  to  me  about  the  mission,  and  on  every  subject 
which  forms  the  theme  of  a  religionist ;  I  told  him  of 
the  horrible  hypocrisy  of  his  heart,  and  the  danger  of 
his  state.  He  confessed  that  he  did  swear  terribly,  cftid 
had  fallen  much  away  ;  but  there  was  not  the  slightest 
mark  of  contrition,  or  the  least  expression  of  better  re- 
solutions. He  said  that  on  board  a  man-of-war,  he  had 
made  a  good  profession  for  four  years,  and  had  even 
suffered  persecution  for  the  cross ;  but  in  this  ship  there 
was  such  general  indifference  that  he  was  led  away. 
He  told  me  many  idle   aspersions  cast  by  the  officers 

upon  me ;  that  Captain spoke  of  the   men*  who 

attended  me,  as  a  parcel  of  vagabonds.  My  want  of 
success  was  also  frequently  cited,  as  an  argument 
against  me.  Thus  alas  1  that  which  causes  my  pain,  is 
made  use  of  to  increase  it. 

10.  Psa]m*xxvii.  32.  "  All  the  ends  of  the  earth 
shall  remember,  and  be  turned  unto  the  Lord."  Sooner 
or  later,  they  shall  remember  what  is  preached  to  them  ; 
and  though  missionaries  may  not  live  to  see  the  fruits 
of  their  labours,  yet  the  memory  of  their  words  shall 
remain,  and  in  due  time  shall  be  the  means  of  turning 
them  unto  the  Lord.  Employed  in  writing.  Was  much 
delighted  with  seeiog  all  my  people  present  this 
afternoon,  and  the  pleasure  with  which  they  seemed  to 
come — though  alas !  even  out  of  these  five,  there  are 
only  three  of  whom  I  can  be  in  any  wise  confident.  I 
explained  Isaiah  xl.  and  staid  to  converse  with  two  sick 
men.  The  steward  is  recovering  fast ;  *  I  am  deter- 
mined,' said  he,  *  to  be  a  good  liver,  as  you  shall  see ; ' 


1806]  JOURNAL.  371 

but  I  have  little  hopes  of  him.  At  night  Corporal  B. 
came  to  my  cabin,  and  M'K.  soon  after  coming  in,  £ 
proposed  to  them  a  regular  meeting  of  the  religious 
soldiers  for  prayer  in  my  cabin  ;  but  they  both  objected 
to  it ;  not,  they  said,  because  they  were  afraid  of  the 
cross,  but  they  thought  the  trial  would  be  too  great  for 
the  others,  especially  as  the  disapprobation  of  Captains 
S.  and  O.  would  encourage  the  ridicule  and  opposition 
of  the  officers,  and  others.  Such  words  from  them, 
sufficiently  proved,  that  it  was  yet  too  early  to  call  any 
of  them  to  such  a  cross  ;  but  I  could  not  help  believing 
that  it  was  fear  of  man  which  suggested  this  advice  of 
their's  to  me.  However,  let  me  judge  charitably,  and 
think  of  them  in  the  spirit  of  meekness,  considering 
myself,  lest  I  also  be  tempted. 

11.  "  Who  is  the  king  of  glory  ?  '*  Psalm  xxiv.  8. 
My  ignorant  heart,  which  knows  little  of  Jesus 
Christ,  has  need  to  ask  this  question.  Oh  may  the 
blessed  Spirit  take  of  the  things  of  Christ,  and  shew 
them  unto  me.  May  I  be  more  self*abased,  self-emptied, 
and  by  a  more  spiritual  communion,  abide  in  Christ, 
and  have  his  love  abiding  in  me. .  May  I  walk  in  him, 
and  grow  up  into  Him  in  all  things,  and  be  changed 
into  his  image  from  glory  to  glory  !  Oh  when  shall  I 
learn  to  know  Christ  and  heavenly  things.  Employed 
in  writing,  but  with  scarcely  any  progress.  There  were 
rather  more  singers  and  hearers  below  than  for  some 
time.  I  felt  myself  so  little  disposed  for  spiritual  exer- 
cises, that  I  was  thinking  of  not  going  down,  as  sup- 
posing the  men  were  as  unwilling  as  myself.  However, 
recollecting  that  they  might  be  well  disposed  to  hear,  at 
times  when  I  was  very  little  inclined  to  speak,  I  went 
down,  and  had  a  profitable  season.  Expounded  Matt.  y. 
to  them.  In  the  evening  prayed  with  some  fervour  for 
a  ministerial  spirit. 

12.  *'  That  he  would  grant  you,  according  to  the 
riches  of  his  glory,  to  be  strengthened  with  might  by  his 
Spirit  in  the  inner  man,  that  Christ  may  dwell  in  your 
hearts  by  faith,"  Eph.  iii.     Spiritual  stability  and  ad- 

2   B  2 


372  JOURNAL.  [1806 

vancement  in  strength  are  evidenced  by  Chriat's  AoeU-- 
ing  in  the  hearty  when  the  affections  and  thoughts  ke^ 
Christ  in  view,  and  embrace  him  habitually.  Oh  thiis 
soul-enrapturing  inhabitation,  after  which  I  pant  some- 
times, though  but  feebly.  When  shall  I  comprehend 
and  enjoy  it  ?  Then  shall  I  be  weaned  indeed  from  the 
world,  and  no  more  seek  heavenly-mindedness  from 
thinking  of  the  shortness  of  time  only,  but  by  choice 
and  preference,  cleaving  to  Christ,  and  living  to  Him 
alone,  though  my  life  on  earth  were  extended  to  ages. 
Wrote  sermon,  but  with  little  success ;  my  soul  can 
never  rejoice  while  my  time  is  spent  so  unprofitably.  A 
considerable  number  attended  in  the  afternoon,  perhaps 
about  twenty.  Expounded  Matt.  vi.  In  the  evening 
and  at  night,  had  strong  desires  to  spend  and  be 
spent  in  glorifying  the  blessed  God,  and  wrote  with  some 
spirit  till  M.  came  in,  and  thus  prevented  me.  It  is 
God's  providence  which  allots  me  the  duty  of  conversa- 
tion as  well  as  of  writing. 

13.  "  On  thee  do  I  wait  all  the  day,"  Psalm  xxv.  5. 
'*  Mine  eyes  are  ever  toward  the  Lord,"  15.  From 
having  found  so  much  comfort  yesterday  by  continually 
invoking  God's  presence,  I  hoped  to-day  also  to  have 
my  eyes  ever  towards  the  Lord ;  I  had  not  however  so 
much  as  yesterday.  Employed  as  usual  in  writing.  In 
the  afternoon  just  as  I  had  got  down.  Captain  O.  or- 
dered every  man  up;  I  felt  rather  hurt  at  this ;  but  on 
speaking  to  him,  he  said  he  did  not  know  I  was  there, 
for  he  would  on  no  account  have  given  sudi  an  order, 
as  he  never  meant  to  interfere  in  religious  matters;  such 
is  the  goodness  of  God  in  hushing  my  rising  fears.  M. 
again  deprived  me  of  the  best  pert  of  the  evening. 

14.  ^'  Oh  Lord  thou  hast  brought  up  my  soul  (mm 
the  grave,  thou  hast  kept  me  alive  that  I  should  uTot  go 
down  to  the  pit,"  Psalm  xxx.  3.  Daily  do  I  deserve 
the  pit  of  destruction — daily  doth  God  save  me  firom  it. 
After  experiencing  such  long-continued  patience,  let  mie 
not  provoke  the  Lord  to  cast  me  off  for  ever.  Passed 
the  morning  in  writing,  and  was  much  assisted ;  my 


1805]  JOURNAL.  373 

mind  was  consequently  peaceful.  In  the  afternoon  had 
no  service  below,  as  I  was  taken  up  in  going  to  and  fro 
to  the  sick,  of  whom  there  is  now  a  great  number.  K., 
one  of  my  singers,  who  with  his  profession  of  the  gos- 
pel is  yet  addicted  to  swearing,  had  been  dangerously  ill 
till  morning.  I  told  him  of  his  sin ;  it  seems  that  he  is 
leaving  it  off,  but  he  did  not  speak  with  that  self-con- 
demnation I  could  have  wished.  The  condition  of  the 
sick  was  miserable :  I  could  not  stand  it  till  I  got  some 
aromatic  vinegar.  Continued  writing  in  the  evening, 
and  then  began  to  read  Rev.  ii.  and  iii.  with  great  im- 
pression and  earnestness,  but  Mr.  K.  entered  and  inter- 
rupted my  reflections ;  I  read  Milner  to  him. 

15.  (Sunday.)  *'  Oh  love  the  Lord!  all  ye  his 
saints/'  Psalm  xxxi.  23.  How  cold  is  my  love,  how 
weak  and  languid  my  hope !  Yet  in  speaking  to  Mrs.  O. 
on  the  duty  of  joy  and  praise,  I  found  my  own  heart  a 
little  warmed.  There  being  something  to  do  in  the 
ship,  we  had  no  service  before  dinner.  M'K.  passed  a 
great  deal  of  the  morning  with  me ;  I  read  Leighton  and 
the  Bible  to  him :  found  great  difficulty  in  keeping  my 
mind  from  dejection;  visited  the  sick  below  deck; 
walked  with  Mrs.  S.  for  a  long  time ;  told  her  very 
plainly  what  I  thought  needed  amendment  in  her  out- 
ward conduct,  which  has  far  too  much  of  giddiness  and 
levity.  In  the  afternoon  preached  on  deck,  on  Rom.  iii. 
21— -23.  The  soldiers  were  more  attentive  than  I  ex- 
pected from  the  nature  of  the  subject,  but  M'K.  told 
me  that  he  and  the  cuddy  passengers,  who  had  just 
risen  from  dinner,  could  scarcely  keep  their,  eyes  open ; 
that  B.  had  been  making  his  remarks  again ;  and  some  of 
the  cadets  I  saw  laughing;  how  different  is  it  to 
.preach  to  such  a  congregation,  from  what  it  is  to  be 
amongst  the  congregations  in  England.  Here  there  is 
scarcely  one  who  encourages  me  by  an  attentive  hearing, 
and  none  at  all,  who  strengthens  my  hand  by  a  kind 
word  on  the  subject.  To-day  scarcely  any  of  my  peo- 
ple were  present ;  being  confined  by  sickness,  but  when 
they  are,  there  is  not  one  who  says  a  word  about  any 


374  JOURNAL.  [1805 

thing  that  suited,  or  any  thing  they  did  not  understand. 
The  whole  passes  off  their  minds,  without  leaving  the 
smallest  impression.  However,  this  dispensation  of  the 
Lord  is  humiliating,  and  so  will  do  some  good.  I  feel 
no  despondency,  but  am  contented  to  go  on  to  the  end  of 
life,  testifying,  according  to  the  best  of  my  abilities,  as 
long  as  people  will  stay  to  hear  me.  Corporal  C.  one 
of  my  singers  who  was  ill,  seemed  to  be  brought  to  see 
the  necessity  of  a  more  stedfast  adherence  to  God,  so 
that  I  hope  here  is  another  soul  revived.  My  servant  at 
night  spoke  also  in  a  way  that  surprised  me ;  I  began  to 
talk  to  him  as  usual,  much  against  my  will,  never  dream- 
ing of  an  intelligent  answer,  but  unexpectedly  heard 
sounds  that  made  me  turn  round  to  look  at  him  with 
double  interest  and  pleasure.  M*K.  came  in  the  even- 
ing, I  read  several  hymns,  and  Rev.  iii.  and  after  some 
preparation  of  mind  went  to  prayer  with  him ;  and 
found  more  self-recollection,  more  of  the  over-awing 
presence  of  God,  more  suitableness  and  simplicity  of  ex- 
pression  than  for  a  long  time  past.  My  soul  continued 
in  a  very  serious  and  happy  frame. 

16.  Suffered  considerably  from  pain,  and  from  the 
cold  damp  weather;  went  below  in  the  afternoon,  but 
could  have  no  service ;  finished  Milner ;  read  Harmer's 
Observations ;  employed  in  the  evening  with  thinking  on 
a  subject ;  the  thought  of  death  was  at  times  refreshing 
and  joyful  to  me, — to  die !  to  be  with  Jesus  I  struckmeat 
some  moments  with  unutterable  sweetness,  but  I  cannot 
enjoy  much  habitual  comfort  without  profiting  more  in 
my  studies. 

17.  **  Rivers  of  tears  run  down  mine  eyes,  because 
they  keep  not  thy  law."  O  Lord,  be  pleased  to  have 
compassion,  and  break  this  hard  heart !  Oh !  shall  I  think 
of  the  eternal  damnation  of  sinners,  and  not  be  able  to 
melt — I  feel  that  I  cannot.  I  saw  something  of  my- 
self this  morning  in  prayer,  when  I  strove  to  fed  some 
grief  or  sorrow  for  the  greatest  number  of  my  flock. 
Let  it  please  Grod  to  display  His  power,  by  placing  a 
new  heart  of  flesh  within  me.     Wrote  freely  till  M. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  375 

came  in.  I  had  some  refreshing  views  of  death,  and  the 
happiness  of  being  free  from  sickness  and  sin,  still  grow- 
ing weaker  from  the  continuance  of  my  disorder.  Could 
not  go  below  because  the  hatches  were  down.  Read 
Scripture  instead,  with  much  comfort.  How  awful  does 
death  appear  when  sickness  gives  a  nearer  view  of  it ! 
Yet  I  have  no  wish  to  live  for  any  thing  agreeable  in 
this  world.  Felt  much  pain  at  what  I  observed  in 
M'K.  at  night.  The  Lord  save  him  from  his  besetting 
sins. 

18.  '*  Hear,  for  I  will  speak  of  excellent  things.'* 
**  I  love  them  that  love  me.'*  **  Hearken  unto  me.  Oh  ye 
children,  for  blessed  are  they  that  keep  my  ways. 
Blessed  is  the  man  that  hearedi  me,  watching  daily  at 
my  gates,  waiting  at  the  posts  of  my  door — for  whoso 
findeth  me,  findeth  life — I  shall  obtain  favour  of  the 
Lord,"  Prov.  viii.  Blessed  be  the  Lord  my  God,  who 
now  in  the  time  of  my  youth,  hath  inclined  my  heart  to 
take  the  paths  of  righteousness  and  peace.  It  was  long 
a  doubtful  case  with  me ;  but  now,  through  God's  love 
I  have  undertaken  the  hardships  of  a  Christian  life^  and 
am  climbing  the  steep  ascent.  ''  How  excellent  is  the 
loving  kindness  of  God,  therefore  the  children  of  men 
put  dieir  trust  under  the  shadow  of  thy  wings.  They 
shall  be  abundantly  satisfied  with  the  fatness  of  thy 
house,  and  thou  shalt  make  them  drink  of  the  river  of 
thy  pleasures ;  for  with  thee  is  the  fountain  Of  life ;  in  thy 
light  shall  we  see  light,"  Psalm  xxxvi.  7 — 9.  Writing 
still  with  slow  progress.  Had  some  conversation  with 
,  who  was  wrecked  in  the  Britannia,  and  endea- 
voured to  call  his  attention  to  the  proper  thoughts  on 
the  subject.  He  said  that  immediately  after  the  Brit- 
annia had  got  clear  of  the  Streatham,  the  officers  on 
the  forecastle  called  out  they  were  close  to  breakers ;  the 
ship  was  too  much  disabled  to  get  away,  and  in  a  few 
minutes  struck  with  tremendous  force  upon  a  perpen- 
dicular rock,  by  which  every  man  in  the  ship  was  thrown 
down,  while  the  passengers  stood  in  the  stern  in  great 
consternation,    every   moment  expecting  death.      He 


376  JOURNAL.  [1805 

Mr.  M.  went  forward,  as  ke  thought  fw  the  last  time, 
supposing  the  ship  would  part  in  the  middle.  But  the 
ship,  after  beating  some  time  upon  the  rock,  got  off, 
they  know  not  how,  and  floated  into  deep  water  about 
two  miles  from  the  rocks,  where  the  crew  were  saved 
by  the  Comet.  Expounded  Matt.  vii.  below  to  a  good 
number.  My  heart  was  filled  with  great  deHght,  while 
singing — ''  O'er  the  gloomy  hills  of  darkness.^'  In 
the  evening  a  private  of  the  name  of  Lock,  the  man 
who  began  the  singing  and  then  left  off,  came  to  me  in 
great  distress  of  mind  as  he  said  about  his  state.  He 
had  formerly  made  a  profession,  but  had  gone  back ;  I 
talked  to  him  as  closely  as  possible,  and  prayed  with 
him,  during  which  he  shed  many  tears  ;  still  I  could  not 
be  satisfactorily  persuaded  of  his  uprightness.  He 
wished  to  come  every  night  to  my  cabin  to  join  with  me 
in  prayer,  but  I  told  him  he  might  come  to-morrow 
night.  He  said  he  had  often  wished  I  would  pray 
at  the  time  of  our  meeting  below;  I  scarcely  ever 
thought  this  was  at  all  possible,  from  the  variety  of  in* 
terruptions  to  which  we  are  exposed.  Yet  I  began  to 
consider  whether  it  was  not  my  duty  to  attempt  it,  and 
leave  events  with  God.  M'K.  to  whom  I  mentioned 
it,  did  not  approve  it ;  but  I  saw  no  good  reason  in 
what  he  said.  F.  with  whom  I  had  a  little  conversa- 
tion, still  continues  an  example  to  the  rest  in  liveliness 
and  love.  He  said  some  were  growing  cold ;  but  I 
warned  him  against  forming  hasty  judgments. 

19.  The  sudden  change  from  warm  weather  to  a 
cold  damp  atmosphere,  which  took  place  a  few  days 
ago,  is  very  trying  to  my  constitution.  My  sickness  and 
dysentery  continue  and  weaken  me  considerably.  Aboard 
dhip  many  things  which  I  desire  are  not  to  be  had,  but  it 
was  a  matter  of  great  thankfulness  that  I  had  so  many 
more  comforts  provided  for  me,  than  for  the  poor  men  in 
the  same  state.  Oh,  God  knoweth  how  utterly  undeserv- 
ing I  am  of  such  a  difference  being  made  for  me.  Wrote 
sermon  this  morning,  but  the  weather  not  allowing  me 
to  walk,  I  remained  unfit  for  every  thing,  and  felt  very 


1805]  JOURNAL.  377 

unhappy.  It  was  one  of  those  seasons  when  this  world 
appeared  a  tedioos  and  tiresome  place :  I  felt  myself  de- 
parting from  God,  hat  considering  that  now  was  the 
time  for  exercising  faith,  I  betook  mysdf  to  prayer, 
which  had  the  effect  of  relieving  my  mind  from  a  sense 
of  guilt ;  but  otherwise  did  not  mudii  comfort  me.  Ex- 
pounded Matt,  xviii.  •  I  take  much  delight  in  this  sort 
of  exercise,  as  it  is  very  profitable  to  myself.  The  con- 
nection of  things  in  the  Grospel  su^;ests  ideas  I  never 
before  thought  of.  One  of  the  quarter  masters,  an  old 
man,  seemingly  declining  fast,  I  talked  with,  and  endea- 
voured to  convince  him  of  his  sins.  In  the  evening 
prayed.  Lock  did  not  come  -,  neither  was  he  at  our  af- 
ternoon meeting.  His  wife  was  there ;  she  was  suffered 
to  come  on  board  to  see  him  at  Portsmouth,  and  con- 
trived to  escape  notice  till  the  fleet  sailed.  They  lived 
both  on  his  single  ration,  by  which  means  she  remained 
unnoticed  as  a  supernumerary,  till  we  got  near  Madeira. 
The  captain  in  great  anger  said  she  should  go  ashore 
there ;  but  happly  for  the  poor  thing,  he  changed  his 
mind,  and  suffered  her  to  go  on  and  have  frdl  allowance. 
M'K.  staid  with  me  two  hours  at  night ;  I  read  to  him. 
20.  Being  very  ill  in  the  night  past  from  sickness 
and  cholic,  I  began  to  think  seriously  of  death,  as  I  lay 
awake  upon  the  cot.  I  endeavoured  to  consider  in 
order,  vdiat  God  had  done  for  the  salvation  of  sinners, 
what  evidence  I  had  of  being  in  Christ,  and  the  comfort 
I  was  permitted  to  ask  for  from  the  blessed  Spirit,  in 
case  of  that  evidence  appearing.  There  is  not  one  thing 
I  have  ever  done,  that  would  give  me  a  substantial  rea- 
son for  believing  myself  to  be  in  Christ.  It  is  chiefly 
my  affections  and  inclinations  which  convince  me  I  am 
bom  of  Grod,  for  they  are  now  toward  God.  I  am  very 
often  without  any  pleasure,  but  I  seldom  think  of  seek-- 
ing  it  in  the  world.  My  taste,  I  have  reason  to  believe, 
is  for  holy  pleasures,  and  for  holy  employments.  .  In 
prayer  after  getting  up,  I  had  so  much  delight  and  joy 
in  die  consideration  of  heaven,  and  my  assured  title  to 
it,  that  I  felt  fer  more  desirous  of  dying  than  living. 


378  JOURNAL.  [1803 

Much  of  this  morning  passed  upon  deck^  as  it  was  a  dry 
day ;  I  was  much  restored  by  walking.  In  the  after- 
noon, only  three  out  of  six  of  my  people  were  present, 
and  they  seemed  very  dull,  especially  Beasant.  There 
were  however  several  others.  Had  some  conversation 
again  with  the  old  quarter-master.  He  seemed  alarmed 
and  humbled.  Expounded  to  them  Matthew  ix.  and 
felt  determined  to  have  prayer,  if  there  had  been  oppor- 
tunity ;  but  the  noise  of  the  children  of  the  married 
people,  and  the  sailors,  who  were  all  about  us,  talking 
as  if  nothing  were  going  forward,  seemed  to  prove  that 
this  was  not  the  favourable  time  for  beginning.  Felt 
much  dejected  the  remainder  of  the  evening,  at  the  state 
of  religion  in  the  ship,  especially  in  the  want  of  primi* 
tive  simplicity  and  love,  in  those  who  profess  it.  Called 
to  see  the  Captain,  though  I  had  been  told  he  did  not 
like  to  speak,  he  was  so  Ul,  as  thinking  I  might  never- 
theless read ;  but  he  was  engaged  with  the  Surgeon.  It 
is  a  very  trying  time  to  the  whole  ship.  At  night  with 
M*K.  read  Leighton  and  Philippians,  and  prayed. 

2 1 .  Writing  all  the  morning  with  sufficient  freedom, 
and  walked  with  my  mind  intently  fixed  on  heavenly 
subjects,  but  more  in  my  thoughts  than  in  my  heart. 
Had  a  pretty  good  number  below  ;  expounded  Matt.  x. 
Made  slow  progress  in  writing  at  night,  and  felt  exceed- 
ingly dull  at  a  part,  where  in  my  first  considerations  of 
the  subject,  I  had  found  a  remarkable  glow  of  ani- 
mation. 

22.  (Sunday.)  "  Thou  preparest  a  table  before  me 
in  the  presence  of  mine  enemies. '^  As  the  ship  was  lying 
to  for  those  astern,  they  made  use  of  the  opportunity 
of  having  divine  service  at  the  time,  though  it  was  two 
hours  earlier  than  usual.  It  was  a  very  full  congrega- 
tion; for  some  Sundays  past,  several  of  the  soldiers 
were  suflfered  to  stay  away.  I  preached  on  2  Cor.  vi. 
17,  18.  There  seemed  to  be  a  considerable  stir  excited 
against  the  sermon,  as  there  were  knots  of  them  talking 
about  it  afterwards,  and  they  eyed  me,  some  with  spite, 
some  with  contempt.     I  felt  a  little  unhappy  at  offending 


1805]  JOURNAL.  379 

men  so ;  but  I  stiH  thought,  if  the  whole  universe  were  to 
rise  up,  and  object  to  me,  and  despise,  I  could  face  their 
frowns,  and  retain  my  confidence  in  the  truth.  In  the 
afternoon  below,  there  was  a  great  number  hearing,  per- 
haps near  fifty.  In  expounding  Matt.  xii.  the  verse 
about  the  Queen  of  Sheba  coming  from  the  uttermost 
parts  to  hear  the  wisdom  of  Solomon,  gave  me  a  most 
apt  occasion  to  observe,  how  shameful  it  was  that  they 
would  not  come  so  far  as  from  the  forecastle  to  the 
main  hatchway  to  hear  about  Jesus  Christ.  My  pro- 
posal to  them  to  pray,  seemed  to  be  accepted  with  the 
greatest  readiness,  as  they  all  knelt  down.  Through 
God's  mercy  we   were  not  disturbed.     Coming  up,  I 

met  Major  D ,  who  asked  me  if  I  had  been  praying 

with  them ;  and  on  my  asking  him  how  he  came  to  sup- 
pose it,  he  said,  he  thought  I  always  gave  them  a  pxayer. 
This  greatly  encouraged  me  to  continue.  He  then  told 
me  of  my  preaching,  that  it  was  not  calculated  to  win 
people  to  religion,  for  I  set  the  duties  of  religion  in  so  terri- 
fic a  light,  that  people  were  revolted.  I  felt  the  force  of 
his  remark,  and  determined  for  the  future  to  make  more 
use  of  the  love  of  God  in  the  gospel,  and  my  heart 
melted  with  joy  at  the  thought  of  the  precious  tidings, 
and  the  angelic  work  of  proclaiming  them.  The  Major 
asked  me  also  what  was  meant  by  the  Law.  I  told  him 
the  Ten  Commandments ;  said  he,  '  I  always  supposed 
it  meant  the  gospel,  I  could  never  conceive  how  I  should 
be  saved  without  the  law.'  I  was  astonished,  and  could 
not  help  saying  to  him,  *  if  you,  with  your  desire  of 
information,  have  been  so  mistaken,  what  can  I  expect 
the  poor  soldiers  to  understand?*  He  had  read  Rom.  iii. 
five  times  over,  he  said,  but  could  not  understand  it  at  all ; 
upon  which  I  proposed  that  we  should  meet  and  consider 
the  matter  ;  so  after  I  had  had  time  to  pray  for  divine 
assistance,  with  the  assurance  that  if  he  was  sincere,  God 
would  certainly  teach  him,  we  met  in  my  cabin,  and  I 
began  the  epistle.  He  stopped  me  every  verse  he  did  not 
understand  ;  at  the  14th,  20th,  and  25th,  of  chap  i. :  in 
chap  ii.  he  brought  an  objection  against  salvation  by 


380  JOURNAL.  [1805 

grace,  from  verse  6.  Verse  12  and  15  required  a  good 
deal  of  explanatioDi  and  the  language  of  25—27. 
In  chap.  iii.  from  3  to  8,  I  found  I  did  not  understand 
myself,  but  here  he  helped  me  out  by  several  pertinent 
remarks.  In  19.  he  did  not  perceive  what  it  was  the 
apostle's  design  to  prove,  but  misunderstood  it  exceed- 
ingly. In  explaining  21  and  22,  a  light  began  to  break 
in  upon  his  mind ;  on  verse  31,  he  asked  what  was  the 
use  of  God's  giving  the  law  at  all ;  I  referred  him  back 
to  20,  and  he  then  clearly  understood  it,  and  repeated 
the  idea  in  a  very  satisfactory  manner.  Chap.  iv.  and 
V.  suggested  much  subject  of  conversiOaon  again.  I 
pointed  out  the  two  objects  of  faith  here  spoken  of, 
''  believing  on  him  that  justifieth  the  ungodly  :*' — ^A 
<;onviction  that  we  were  ungodly,  or  that  God  was  wil- 
ling to  justify  such.  We  stopped  at  the  end  of  the  vth, 
of  which  chapter  he  said,  after  some  consideration,  '  it 
is  very  conscdatory ;'  and  then  again,  *  there  is  some^ 
thing  irresistibly  fascinating  in  this  chapter.'  I  was  be^ 
yond  measure  delighted  at  his  increasing  understanding, 
and  yet  I  cannot  rejoice  without  trembling.  He  said  he 
should  be  glad  to  come  again  on  the  same  business. 
Soon  after  he  went  away,  M'K.  came,  and  we  rejoiced 
together ;  he  said  that  during  my  sermon  to*day,  he  had 
felt  the  utmost  opposition  and  contempt,  and  foimd  his 
evil  nature  ready  to  burst  out  in  open  abuse  of  me,  but 
he  had  just  been  pleading  with  God,  to  deliver  him  from 
this  temptation  of  Satan,  and  he  now  told  me  it  was 
right,  and  hoped  I  should  go  on  to  preach  boldly,  how- 
ever offensive  the  truth  might  be.  I  have  now  nothing 
to  complain  of,  but  a  bard  and  unthankful  heart,  which 
is  slow  to  praise  God,  and  apt  to  be  afraid  of  those 
opportunities  of  more  extended  service,  which  I  had 
even  prayed  for. 

24.  *'  Thou  bast  ascended  on  high,  thou  hast  led 
captivity  captive,  thou  hast  received  gifts  for  men,  yea, 
for  the  rebellious  also,  that  the  Lord  God  might  dwell 
amongst  them."  Psalm  Ixviii.  18.  For  the  rebellious! 
and  not  ministerial  gifts  only  I  hope,  but  things  good 


1605]  JOURNAL.  381 

for  the  soul  of  the  rebelliotis.  O  consolatory  gospd^ 
precious  rays  of  grace,  scattered  through  the  Bible. 
Were  it  not  for  these  free  gifts,  how  could  my  heart  ever 
be  open,  that  the  Lord  m^t  dwell  in  it !  Wrote  on 
Luke  xi.  10,  11.  but  was  obliged  to  relinquish  the 
attempt  of  preparing  it  by  to-morrow.  Scarcely  any 
below  in  the  afternoon,  yet  we  sung,  and  I  expounded 
Matt.  xiv.  to  three  Serjeants  and  two  Corporals.  My 
heart  enjoyed  prayer  much  to-day,  and  in  my  intercourse 
with  others,  and  amidst  outward  scenes,  felt  happy  in 
communion  with  God.  M'K.  spent  much  of  the  evening 
with  me  with  little  benefit. 

25.  (Christmas-day.)  F.' consulted  to  have  prayers, 
no  sermon.  We  prayed  for  the  Captain,  who  had 
called  in  the  purser  and  mate,  and  given  his  dying 
charge.  I  went  in*  before  dinner,  though  not  sent  for, 
but  he  did  not  speak,  or  seem  to  take  any  notice  of  me. 
Coming  in  a  second  time,  he  desired  me  in  a  strong 
voice  to  withdraw,  as  he  did  not  like  to  be  seen  in  the 
situation  in  which  he  was.  I  felt  much  hurt,  and  went 
and  poured  out  my  soul  in  prayer,  and  foimd  relief  and 
happy  consolation  in  God.  Captain  M's  friend,  the 
Captain  of  the  Sarah  Christiana,  came  on  board,  and  the 
staff  surgeon  from  the  hospital  ship,  by  a  signal  made 
for  that  purpose.  The  Sarah  Christiana  coming  down 
in  an  opposite  direction  to  fetch  him,  ran  so  near  us^ 
that  there  was  the  utmost  noise  and  confumon  upoa 
deck.  We  could  almost  touch  her  from  our  larboard 
quarter.  The  mate  said  there  was  imminent  danger,  as 
one  or  other  of  the  two  ships  would  have  inevitfd[>ly 
gone  to  the  bottom. 

26.  About  seven  this  morning,  I  was  aent  for  by^ 
the  surgeon  to  the  captain.  I  saw  that  he  was  a  dying 
man  ;  his  eyes  rolled  in  his  head,  his  speech  was  gone, 
but  he  was  in  general  sensible.  And  the  doctor  by 
applying  his  ear  close  to  his  mouth,  could  sometimes 
make  out  a  few  of  his  words.  I  began  to  read  the  most 
encoun^ng  passages  I  could  find,  begimiing  with 
Isaiah  Iv.     In  John  vi.  he  repeated  in  a  low  tone  after 


382  JOURNAL.  [1805 

me,  **  Lord,  evermore  send  ud  this  bread."  I  continued 
reading  after  breakfast,  though  he  did  not  seem  to  wish 
it,  only  when  the  doctor  asked  him,  he  said,  Aye,  aye. 
After  reading  I  prayed,  but  I  do  not  know  that  he  joined, 
indeed  he  was  so  far  gone,  that  it  was  impossible  to 
collect  any  thing  from  his  look  or  imperfect  words.  On 
my  being  interrupted  by  the  doctor,  he  said,  *  Mind 
hiniy*  meaning  that  he  was  to  attend  to  me.  At  last, 
after  being  much  convulsed,  he  said,  *  I  am  going,  I 
shall  not  be  long  here,  Lord  help  me.  Lord  help  me  ;* 
and  his  eyes  began  to  close,  and  his  breath  returned 
successively  at  longer  intervals,  and  at  length  he  expired. 
The  purser,  the  chief-mate',  the  surgeon,  his  servant, 
and  myself,  were  the  persons  present.  He  died  about 
eleven  in  the  morning.  The  colours  were  hoisted  half 
mast  high,  and  we  bore  down  to  give  notice  of  it  to  the 
Commodore,  and  the  Commodore  of  the  Indiamen. 
The  Sarah  Christiana,  when  she  saw  our  signal,  fired 
minute  guns,  so  that  the  whole  scene  was  very  affecting. 
The  place  being  engaged  in  the  afternoon,  I  passed  the 
time  in  conversing  with  the  sick.  One  of  the  seamen, 
a  Scotchman,  seemed  to  hear  gladly.  In  prayer  in  the 
evening,  I  had  such  near  and  terrific  views  of  God's 
judgments  upon  sinners  in  hell,  that  my  flesh  trembled 
for  fear  of  them.  The  passages  of  God's  holy  word 
that  proved  the  certainty  of  hell  torments,  were  brought 
to  me  in  such  a  way  as  I  never  before  felt ;  I  flew  trem- 
bling to  Jesus  Christ,  as  if  the  flame  were  taking  hold 
of  me.  Oh,  Christ  will  indeed  save  me,  or  else  I 
perish.  M'K.  came  in,  and  we  conversed  together  of 
the  melancholy  events  of  the  day.  He  had  been  reading 
to-day  in  the  steerage,  the  tract  upon  Eternity  to  the 
cadets  and  officers.  They  hated  the  sound  ;  would  not 
listen  to  it,  and  said  he  wanted  to  make  them  melan- 
choly mad.     M said,  *  Martyn  will  never  persuade 

me  to  be  otherwise,  with  all  his  logic'  To  which  Cap- 
tain S.  with  a  serious  look,  said  *  I  hope  he  will,  M.' 
A  person  from  the  Streatham  told  M'K.  that  we  had 
the  reputation  in  the  fleet  of  being  a  very  praying  ship. 


1805]  JOURNAL.  383 

I  wish  it  were  more  true.  Blessed  be  God  for  raising 
up  such  a  person  as  M^K.  Now  that  they  have  broken 
with  him,  and  given  him  the  downright  name  of  metho- 
dist,  he  is  much  more  bold  to  speci  the  word  without 
fear. 

27.  "  Arise,  O  God,  and  plead  thine  own  cause, 
remember  how  the  foolish  man  reproacheth  thee  daily. 
Forget  not  the  voice  of  thy  enemies :  the  tumult  of  those 
that  rise  up  against  thee  increaseth  continually."  Psalm 
Ixxiv.  22,  23.  In  pleading  for  the  prosperity  of  the 
church,  and  her  deliverance  from  enemies,  when  all 
arguments  are  exhausted,  we  may  urge  this  at  last,  that 
God  would  arise  and  plead  his  own  cause.  Let  me  re- 
member this,  when  I  pray  in  unbelief,  as  if  God  were 
indifferent ;  let  me  reflect  that  it  is  God's  own  cause, 
and  the  honour  of  his  name  concerned  in  it.  Several 
circumstances  seemed  to  suggest  the  propriety  of  setting 
apart  this  day  for  fasting  and  prayer,  which  I  did ;  but 
for  want  of  sufficient  watchfulness  and  labour,  I  failed 
to  derive  that  benefit  from  it  which  might  have  been  ex- 
pected. One  thing,  however,  I  am  bound  to  bless  the 
Lord  for,  that  he  helped  me  to  come  down  with  shame 
into  the  dust,  and  to  weep  and  mourn  before  him,  for 
the  sins  of  my  former  life,  and  for  my  lukewarmness 
and  unfaithfulness  in  my  ministry.  I  thought  it  would 
be  a  proper  portion  for  me  to  combat  with  affliction  all 
my  days ;  to  walk  solitarily  with  tears  through  the 
wilderness  of  life,  full  of  thankful  love  that  God  had 
permitted  such  a  creature  to  live ;  but  my  heart  was  not 
much  enlarged  in  other  petitions ;  sometimes  I  was  sunk 
in  great  dejection,  from  finding  myself  utterly  averse  to 
pray  at  all,  owing  to  the  fatigue  of  mind  and  body. 
From  the  same  cause  in  the  afternoon,  I  was  very 
languid  amongst  the  people,  except  at  intervals,  when 
my  soul  burned  with  delight  and  love.  In  the  evening, 
M*K.  and  myself  read  and  prayed  together,  and  my 
heart  was  generally  with  God,  looking  forward  with 
peace  and  joy  to  the  happiness  of  another  world. 

28.  Psalm  Ixxxi.  13 — 16.    ''  O  that  my  people  had 


384  JOURNAL.  [1805 

hearkened  unto  me,  and  Israel  had  walked  in  my  ways  1 
I  should  soon  have  subdued  thsir  enemies,  and  turned 
my  hand  against  their  adversaries.  The  haters  of  the 
Lord  should  have  sdbmitted  themsdves  unto  him :  but 
their  time  should  have  endured  for  ever.  He  should 
have  fed  them  also  with  the  finest  of  the  wheat:  and 
with  honey  out  of  the  rock  should  I  have  satisfied  thee/' 
Similar  to  this  in  Isaiah-~''  O  that  thou  hadst  hearkened 
to  my  commandments,  then  had  diy  peace  been  as  a 
river,  and  thy  righteousness  as  the  waves  of  the  sea.'' 
With  what  earnestness  and  compassion  does  God  ex^ 
press  his  regret  that  his  people  have  not  enjoyed  more 
of  spiritual  comforts.  Shall  we  then  ascribe  our  un- 
happiness  to  God  ?  Oh  no.  He  is  far  more  anxious  to 
load  us  with  blessings,  than  to  deprive  us  of  them. 
Employed  all  day  in  writing,  and  in  general  able  to  find 
the  repose  of  my  soul,  in  being  alone  with  God,  forget- 
ful of  outward  concerns.  Sung  in  the  afternoon,  and 
expounded  Matt.  xix.  After  tea,  a  conversation  arising 
in  the  cuddy  about  Pope's  Universal  Prayer,  they  de- 
sired me  to  read  it,  and  state  my  objections,  which  I 
did,  and  had  an  opportunity  of  answering  familiarly  all 
the  objections  they  made  to  the  gospel.  But  I  was  again 
astonished  at  their  great  ignorance,  and  inability  to 
comprehend  any  thing  of  the  divine  plan,  in  a  subject 
that  so  deeply  concema  them.  What  can  I  expect  to 
teach  poor  heathens  without  the  Ahnighty  power  of 
God  interfering  1 

29.  (Sunday.)  *^  My  bebved  spake  and  said  unto 
me^  Rise  up,"  &c.  Cant.  ii.  10,  1 1.  Ah  I  why  cannot  I 
rise  and  go  forth  and  meet  my  Lord?  Every  hindrance 
is  removed ;  the  wrath  of  God,  the  guilt  of  sin,  and 
severity  of  affliction :  there  is  nothing  now  in  the  worid 
that  has  apy  strong  hold  of  my  affections.  Separated 
firom  my  friends  and  country  for  ever  in  this  life,  I  have 
nothing  to  distract  me  firom  hearing  the  voice  of  my 
beloved,  and  coming  away  from  this  world  and  walking 
with  him  in  love,  amidst  the  flowers  that  perfiime  the 
air  of  Paradise,  and  Uie  harmony  of  the  happy  spirits 


1805]  JOURNAL.  385 

who  are  singing  his  praise.  But  alas  1  my  heart  is  cold 
and  slothfiil.  Preached  on  2  Peter  iii.  1 1 .  taking  notice 
at  the  end  of  these  remarkable  circumstances,  that  made 
the  text  particularly  applicable  to  us.  It  was  the  last 
Sabbath  of  a  year,  which  had  been  memorable  to  us 
from  our  having  left  our  country  and  passed  through 
many  dangers.  Secondly,  Within  a  few  days  they  were 
to  meet  an  enemy  on  the  field  of  battle.  Thirdly,  The 
death  of  the  Captain.  I  was  enabled  to  be  self-collected, 
and  in  some  degree  tender.  There  was  a  great  impres- 
sion ;  many  were  in  tears.     Visited  and  conversed  with 

Mr.  M twice  to-day,  and  marked  some  passages 

for  him  to  read.  His  heart  seems  tender.  There  was 
a  considerable  number  on  the  orlop  in  the  afternoon. 
Expounded  Matt.  xix.  and  prayed.  In  the  evening 
Major  Davison  and  M'Kenzie  came  to  my  cabin,  and 
staid  nearly  three  hours.  I  read  Romans  vi.  and  vii.  and 
explained  those  difficult  chapters  as  well  as  I  could,  so 
that  the  Major,  I  hope,  received  a  greater  insight  into 
them ;  afterwards  I  prayed  with  them.  But  my  own 
soul  after  these  ministrations  seemed  to  have  received 
harm  rather  than  good.  It  was  an  awftd  reflection  that 
Judas  was  a  preacher,  perhaps  a  successful  one.  Oh  let 
my  soul  tremble  lest  after  preaching  to  others,  I  myself 
should  be  a  cast-away. 

30.  An  unprofitable  day,  in  which  I  was  ostensibly 
employed  in  thinking  about  sermon,  but  could  do  little ; 
yet  in  prayer  and  reading  scripture  was  comfortable.  In 
the  afternoon  I  visited  die  sick;  M'K.  spent  most  of 
the  evening  with  me.  I  read  to  him,  and  through  the 
mercy  of  God  enjoyed  a  happy  frame  of  mind,  with 
heavenly  glories  continually  in  view. 

31.  Thus  hath  the  Lord  brought  me  to  the  conclu* 
sion  of  another  year.  (See  Memoir.)  In  the  evening, 
both  by  myself,  and  with  M'K.  had  solemn  seasons  of 
prayer.  We  read  Psalm  xc.  and  conversed  about  the 
shortness  of  time,  &c.  and  other  subjects  suggested  by 
the  conclusion  of  the  year.  I  felt  at  night  a  very  affect- 
ing sense  of  my  want  of  love.     I  may  have  the  tongue 

2  c 


386  JOURNAL.  [t8Q6 

of  men  itnd  angel3,  or  all  knowledge,  or  faith,  aad  give 
my  body  to  be  burned ;  yet  without  love,  it  profiteth 
nothing.  Ab  often  as  I  stirred  up  myself  to  cry  to  God 
for  his  grace  my  heart  was  warmed,  but  it  continued 
lively  but  for  a  short  time.  Oh  how  wretched  is  a  soul 
without  grace.  If  I  could  not  be  made  holy,  I  would 
not  wish  to  exist;  I  cannot  conceive  any  pleasure  in  the 
universe,  without  having  the  soul  restor^  to  order  and 
conformity  to  the  blessed  God. 

January  1 ,  1806.  Still  on  my  voyage ;  arrived  nearly 
as  £Bir  as  the  Cape  of  Good  Hope.  Though  seven  months 
have  elapsed  since  my  embarkation,  and  three  or  four 
must  pass  ere  I  can  reach  my  final  destination,  I  fed  little 
fatigue  or  impatience ;  rather  am  I  troubled  that  each  day 
6ies  quick,  so  that  I  have  scarcely  time  to  get  anything 
done.  The  last  year  is  the  most  memorable  of  any  since 
I  began  a  religious  life :  since  in  it  I  have  been  thrust 
out  to  be  a  labourer  in  God's  vineyard  among  the  hea- 
then ;  many  dangers  have  I  inured  from  seas  and 
change  of  climate,  and  have  experienced  much  distur- 
bance of  mind,  first  from  preparation  for  my  voyage, 
and  since  that  by  the  variety  of  scenes  into  which  I 
have  been  introduced,  and  very  severe  was  my  mental 
suffering  on  leaving  Europe,  but  through  the  never- 
failing  mercy  of  the  Lord,  I  am  healthy  in  body,  and 
quiet  in  my  mind.  From  the  perusal  of  my  journal,  I 
am  surprised,  and  grieved  at  the  unhumUed  spirit  which 
pervades  it.  I  have  at  present  to  mourn  over  my  dead* 
ness  of  spirit,  so  destitute  of  love.  However,  with  all 
my  execrable  dulness  in  divine  things,  I  have  this  testi- 
mony for  good,  that  I  am  perfectly  weary  of  a  life  of 
sin,  that  my  unprofitableness  is  a  grievous  burden  to 
me,  and  far,  very  far  from  regretting  I  ever  came  on  this 
delightful  work,  ware  I  to  choose  for  myself,  I  could 
scarcely  find  a  situation  more  agreeable  to  my  taste. 
Onward  therefore  let  me  go,  and  persevere  steadily  in 
this  blessed  undertaking  through  the  grace  of  God,  dying 
daily  to  the  opinions  of  men,  and  aiming  with  a  more 
single  eye  to  the  glory  of  the  everlasting  God.     This 


1806]  JOURNAL.  387 

morning  passed  as  usual  in  reading  Scripture,  and 
prayer,  and  writing,  but  M'K.  much  interrupted  and 
disturbed  me.  However,  by  prayer,  I  strove  to  exercise 
faith,  though  my  mind  wa3  exceedingly  distressed  at  my 
repeated  wont  of  improvement.  In  the  afternoon  read 
Luke  xiv.  and  spoke  upon  the  barren  fig-tree,  to  a  con- 
siderable number.  How  long  ago  should  I  have  been 
cut  down  for  my  barrenness,  had  not  the  great  Inter- 
cessor in  mere  compassion  pleaded  for  me.  In  prayer 
in  the  evening  I  received  much  comfort ;  I  was  enabled 
to  bring  all  my  sorrows,  and  lie  before  God  as  a  most 
wretched  creature,  whose  barrenness  testifies  against 
him. 

2.  Read  Luke  xv.  in  the  afternoon  below ;  visited 

M ;  the  signal  being  made  for  bending  cables,  set 

my  thoughts  that  way,  and  made  me  wish  with  some 
impatience  for  land.     Read  to  M'K. 

3.  Was  assisted  a  little,  and  wrote  with  more  free- 
dom. Read  in  the  afternoon  John  vi. ;  as  I  thought 
from  our  nearness 'to  land,  it  might  be  the  Last  occasion 
of  our  meeting,  I  concluded  with  prayer.     Some  men 

were  standing  by  us  laughing,  and  Captain  O came 

in  the  midst  of  it,  but  waited  till  the  prayer  was  over. 
After  visiting  some  sick^  I  found  on  coming  upon  deck, 
that  land  was  discovered ;  the  high  lands  at  the  Cape 
were  distinctly  visible  eighty  miles  off.     In  the  evening 

M*K.  and  Corporal  B came  to  my  cabin ;  I  read 

several  of  the  most  suitable  portions  of  Scripture  I  could 
find,  and  was  afterwards  enabled  to  commend  them  to 
God  with  solemnity  and  affection.  M'K.  continued 
with  me  afterwards,  but  grieved  me  much  by  what  I 
thought  inconsistent  levity,  on  so  solemn  an  occasion. 
My  heart  was  filled  widi  joy  and  peace,  when  left  alone  ; 
again  at  prayer  at  night  I  drew  near  to  the  Lord  with 
ease  and  power.  ''  Bless  the  Lord  O  my  soul,  and  all 
that  is  within  me  bless  his  holy  name.''  He  restoreth 
my  soul.  I  will  hearken  what  the  Lord  God  shall  say 
concerning  me,  for  he  shall  speak  peace  to  his  people ; 
but  let  them  not  turn  again  to  folly. 

2  C  2 


388  JOURNAL.  [1806 

4.  Continued  to  approach  the  land ;  about  sunset 
the  fleet  came  to  an  anchor  between  Robberfs  Island 
and  the  land  on  that  side,  farthest  from  Cape  Town,  and 
a  signal  was  immediately  given  for  the  59th  regiment  to 
prepare  to  land.  Our  men  were  soon  ready,  and  received 
thirty-six  rounds  of  ball  cartridge;  before  the  three 
boats  were  lowered  down  and  fitted  it  was  two  in  the 
morning.  I  staid  up  to  see  them  off ;  it  was  a  melan- 
choly scene ;  the  privates  were  keeping  up  their  spirits 
by  affecting  to  joke  about  the  approach  of  danger,  and 
the  ladies  sitting  in  the  cold  night  upon  the  grating  of 
the  after-hatchway  overwhelmed  with  grief ;  the  cadets 
with  M'K.  who  is  one  of  their  officers  all  went  on  board 
the  Duchess  of  Gordon,  the  general  rendezvous  of  the 
company's  troops.    I  could  get  to  speak  to  none  of  my 

people,  but  Corporals  B and  B .     I  said  to 

Serjeant  G ,  it  is  now  high  time  to  be  decided  in 

religion,  he  replied  with  a  sigh  ;  to  Captain  S.  and  the 
cadets  I  endeavoured  to  speak  in  a  general  way.  I 
this  day  signed  my  name  as  a  witness  to  Captain  O.  and 
Major  D.'s  wills  ;  Captain  O.  left  his  with  me  ;  I  passed 
my  time  at  intervals  in  writing  for  to-morrow.  The 
interest  I  felt  in  the  outward  scene,  distracted  me  very 
much  from  the  things  which  are  not  seen,  and  all  I 
could  do  in  prayer  was  to  strive  against  this  spirit.  But 
with  what  horror  should  I  reflect  on  the  motions  of  sins 
within  me,  which  tempted  me  to  wish  for  bloodshed,  as 
something  gratifying  by  its  sublimity.  My  spirit  would 
be  overwhelmed  by  such  a  consciousness  of  depravity, 
but  that  I  can  pray  still  deliberately  against  sin,  and 
often  the  Liord  manifested  his  power  by  making  the  same 
sinful  soul  to  feel  a  longing  desire  that  the  blessed  gos- 
pel of  peace  might  soothe  the  spirits  of  men,  and  make 
them  all  live  together  in  harmony  and  love.  Yet  the 
principle  within  me  may  well  fill  me  with  shame  and 
sorrow. 


1806]  LETTER.  389 

Union,  in  Table  Bay,  Cape  of  Good  Hope, 

January  4,  1806,  (11  at  night.) 

Dear  Sargent, 

*         *         *         »         *  Saturday  night, 

the  instant  our  anchor  was  down,  when  I  began  this 
letter,  a  signal  was  given  for  the  59th  to  land.  I  staid 
up  till  two  in  the  morning  to  take  my  leave  of  them, 
and  was  grieved  to  find  with  what  levity  and  profaneness 
they  were  arming  themselves  against  the  fears  of  death. 
Of  my  own  men  I  had  taken  a  solemn  and  affecting 
farewell,  by  commending  them  to  the  grace  of  God. 
They  returned  however,  about  the  middle  of  the  next 
day,  the  General  not  thinking  it  safe  to  land,  either  on 
account  of  the  surf,  or  because  he  had  received  informa- 
tion of  a  large  body  of  the  enemy  being  in  readiness 
behind  an  eminence,  to  receive  them.  Nothing  was  done 
the  remainder  of  that  day,  (yesterday)  but  to-day,  Mon- 
day 6,  three  regiments  have  landed  without  opposition, 
as  we  see  very  plainly  from  our  ship,  and  the  landing  of 
the  whole  army  is  now  going  on ;  the  59th  are  to  leave 
the  ship  at  three  to-morrow  morning.  Poor  souls  !  from 
the  report  we  have  of  the  force  ashore,  I  fear  many  of 
them  will  never  return. 

Two  days  after  writing  the  above  a  battle  was  fought. 
I  went  ashore  a  few  hours  after  it,  and  saw  the  wounded 
and  dead  lying  on  the  field,  but  the  particulars  I  have 
not  time  to  relate,  as  I  am  just  informed  that  the  ship 
which  carries  the  intelligence,  is  to  sail  to-morrow,  and 
I  have  not  written  a  single  letter  yet  to  my  relations.  I 
beg  my  kindest  remembrance  to  Mrs.  S.  of  whom  I 
make  mention  with  you  without  ceasing  in  my  prayers. 
May  you  both  live,  my  beloved  friends,  happy  in  one 
another,  but  finding  your  chief  happiness  in  God.  Con- 
fessing that  you  are  strangers  and  pilgrims  upon  earth, 
not  having  here  a  continuing  city,  and  seeking  one  to 
come.     I  beg  the  continuance  of  your  prayers,  especially 


390  JOURNAL.  [1806 

at  those  seasons  when  you  intercede  for  the  general 
cause  of  our  blessed  Lord. 

I  remain,  ever  your's  aflFectionately, 

H.  Martyn. 
To  the  Rev.  John  Sargent. 

5.  (Sunday.)  No  service ;  the  body  of  our  troops 
which  had  gone  to  join  the  other  regiments  at  the  ren- 
dezvous, returned  this  morning ;  after  waiting  near  shore 
a  considerable  time,  they  all  received  orders  to  return  to 
their  respective  ships.  Two  reasons  are  assigned  for 
this,  one  that  the  surf  was  too  high,  the  other  that  a 
large  body  of  the  enemy  were  stationed  behind  an  emi- 
nence, ready  to  oppose  their  landing ;  no  further  attempt 
was  made  to-day,  but  the  man-of-war  cruised  round  the 
bay ;  I  was  mostly  upon  deck  sharing  the  general  anxiety, 
but  about  the  middle  of  the  day,  found  it  necessary  to 
withdraw  for  a  solemn  season  of  prayer,  to  bring  back 
my  soul  to  God.  The  Lord  mercifully  assisted  his  sin- 
fiil  creature,  and  the  rest  of  the  day  I  was  enabled  to 
maintain  a  more  proper  sense  of  the  vanity  of  all 
outward  things,  and  the  infinite  precious  importance  of 
setting  the  Lord  always  before  me ;  I  went  below  in  the 
afternoon,  but  found  the  deck  strewed  with  the  soldiers 
all  asleep ;  M*K.  returned  from  the  Duchess  of  Gordon 

to-day,  and  with  Major  D ,  came  to  my  cabin  in  the 

evening.  We  read  Romans  viii.  ;  the  Major's  objections 
led  to  the  old  subject  of  the  heathen,  how  they  should 
be  left  in  such  a  state.  I  said  little,  when  little  was  to 
be  said  to  the  purpose,  and  resolved  all  into  the  sove- 
reignty of  God.  This  dwelt  very  strongly  on  my  mind, 
and  when  we  prayed,  I  was  greatly  assisted  to  approach 
him  as  a  sovereign :  **  Be  still,  and  know  that  I  am 
God."  Remained  peaceful  and  happy  the  rest  of  the 
evening. 

6 .  Several  regiments  effected  a  landing  this  morning  on 
the  eastern  shore,  as  we  could  see  plainly  from  our  ship. 
The  Indiamen  were  ordered  to  get  under  weigh,  and  the 
men-of-war  drew  up  dose  to  the  shore^  to  protect  the 


1806]  JOURNAL.  391 

landing.  No  enemy  appeared  to  oppose  them  ;  but  one 
of  the  gun-brigs  threw  several  shells  ashore,  to  dislodge 
some  of  them  who  stood  with  a  gun  planted  near  the 
beach.  The  two  first  officers  who  landed  were  two 
Lieut-Colonels,  who  were  wounded  immediately  by  two 
spent  balls  from  sharp-shooters.  One  boat  was  stove  by 
the  surge's  dashing  h^  against  the  rocks,  and  out  of 
sixty-three  in  her,  only  eleven  were  saved.  On  a  neigh- 
bouring eminence  we  saw  a  party  of  the  enemy  as  we 
supposed,  from  their  being  dressed  in  blue.  The  troops 
continued  in  sight,  on  the  side  of  a  hill  covered  with 
sand  interspersed  with  bushes,  as  if  not  designing  to 
march  on  till  the  whole  should  be  landed.  There  were 
a  few  huts  near  the  beach,  which  were  left  with  every 
thing  in  them.  One  of  our  midshipmen  brought  away 
some  leaves  of  Dutch  books;  they  were  an  English 
Grammar  in  Dutch,  and  a  Catechism ;  the  stools  and 
tables  the  soldiers  broke  up  for  firing.  Further  up  the 
hill  there  was  a  house  exactly  resembling  our  farm 
houses  in  England,  with  out-houses,  bams,  &c.  It 
seemed  to  be  abandoned.  A  gun-brig  belonging  to  our 
squadron  coming  in  from  Rio  Janeiro,  began  instantly 
to  fire  at  a  battery,  which  returned  it,  so  that  from  this, 
and  the  throwing  of  shells,  and  the  number  of  signals 
made  by  the  men-of*war,  there  was  important  cannona- 
ding. I  was  upon  deck  the  whole  day,  and  again  suff- 
ered at  first  from  the  consciousness  of  idleness,  but  by 
prayer  and  watchfulness  was  enabled  to  be  more  with 
God  afterwards  and  read.  Still  I  drank  too  much  into 
the  spirit  of  those  around  me,  instead  of  having  those 
solemn  impressions  which  the  scene  presented.  The 
soldiers  and  cadets  (who  had  returned  from  the  Duke  of 
Grordon,)  were  all  eager  to  get  ashore,  so  that  there  was 
more  levity  and  trifling  about  death  than  ever.  As  the 
69  th  expected  to  be  cdled  on  every  hour,  I  found  on  my 
going  below,  there  was  little  hope  of  getting  my  people 
together ;  as  most  were  asleep,  I  was  obliged  to  return 

rather    disappointed.      who  is  so  sick  that  he 

cannot  land,  was  very  keenly  scoffed  at  by  the  brutal 


392  JOURNAL.  [1806 

B :,  who  accused  him  of  hypocrisy  in  religion,  and 

of  feigning   illness.     Though  I  was  not  quite  satisfied 

with  ,  and  wished  to  persuade  him  to  try  at  least 

to  land,  I  rebuked  B pretty  sharply.     At  intervals 

wrote  a  letter  to  Sargent. 

7.  The  59th  landed  early  this  morning;  then  the 
cadets  with  M'K.  at  their  head,  who  commanded  a 
company  of  East  India  troops.  Afterwards  twelve  of 
our  seamen,  who  form  a  part  of  a  Marine  battalion, 
composed  of  seamen  from  the  different  ships,  armed 
with  pikes  to  the  number  of  1200.  Poor  B.  and  the 
others  gave  me  a  last  affectionate  look  after  they  were 
in  the  boats.  After  they  were  all  gone  I  returned  to 
pray  and  found  at  first  delightftd  access  to  God,  and 
freedom  in  prayer  for  the  poor  soldiers  ;  but  afterwards 
grew  stupid.  The  idleness  in  which  I  had  been  these 
two  or  three  days  left  me  indisposed  for  exertion,  and 
it  was  with  the  utmost  difficulty  that  I  could  get  my 
heart  into  any  thing  of  a  right  state.  Had  somewhat  of 
a  reviving  season  in  prayer  this  evening,  and  was  made 
to  see  especially  my  shameful  deficiencies  in  love  and 
joy.  As  often  as  I  stir  up  this  slothful  heart  to  these 
divine  exercises,  God  blesses  the  endeavour.  O  my 
soul  rejoice  in  Christ  Jesus  1  Love  God  more,  and  thy 
brother  more.  Began  a  letter  to  Mr.  Simeon  at  nighty 
Found  from  Mr.  S.  who  had  been  ashore  to  offer  his 
services  to  the  General,  that  the  enemy  were  entrenched 
within  a  mile  of  them,  that  there  were  few  or  no  French 
troops,  and  that  many  English  families  had  been  to 
visit  the  army.  Four  privates  were  wounded  at  the  time 
of  the  first  landing,  besides  the  two  field  officers. 
Dutchmen  also  were  wounded,  taken  prisoners  and 
humanely  sent  on  board  the  hospital  ship.  Mr.  S's. 
boat  was  upset  by  the  surf,  and  he  thrown  ashore. 
Hearing  loud  screams  at  night,  I  ran  out  and  found  a 
Lascar  had  fallen  over  board,  a  rope  was  thrown  to  him 
just  in  time  to  save  his  life.  The  commodore  with  two 
gun^brigs  has  been  cannonading  a  battery.  My  cabio^ 
door  and  window  shake  at  every  gun. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  393 

8.  Ten  o'clock.  When  I  got  up,  the  army  had  left 
the  shore,  except  the  company's  troops  who  remained  to 
guard  the  landing  place  ;  but  soon  after  seven,  a  most 
tremendous  fire  of  Artillery  began  behind  a  mountain  a- 
breast  of  the  ship  ;  it  seemed  as  if  the  mountain  itself 
were  torn  by  intestine  convulsions.  The  smoke  rose 
from  a  lesser  eminence  on  the  right  of  the  hill,  and  on 
the  top  of  it  troops  were  seen  rushing  down  the  farther 
declivity ;  then  came  such  a  long  drawn  fire  of  musketry, 
that  I  could  not  have  conceived  any  thing  like  it.  We 
all  shuddered  at  considering  what  a  multitude  of  souls 
must  be  passing  into  eternity.  The  poor  ladies  were  in 
a  dreadM  condition,  every  peal  seemed  to  go  through 
*  their  hearts ;  I  have  just  been  endeavouring  to  do  what  I 
can  to  keep  up  their  spirits.  The  sound  is  now  retiring, 
and  the  enemy  are  seen  retreating  along  the  low  ground 
on  the  right  towards  the  town.  Soon  after  writing  this 
I  went  ashore  and  saw  M'K.  &c.  and  Cecil,  with  whom 
I  had  an  agreeable  conversation  on  Divine  things.  The 
cadets  of  our  ship  had  erected  a  little  shed  made  of 
bushes  and  straw,  and  here  at  their  desire  I  partook  of 
their  cheer.  Three  Highlanders  came  to  the  lines  just 
as  I  arrived,  all  wounded  in  the  hand.  In  consequence  of 
their  report  of  the  number  of  the  woimded,  a  party  of 
East  India  troops  with  slings  and  barrows,  attended  by  a 
body  of  cadets  with  arms,  under  Major  Lumsden,  were 
ordered  to  march  to  the  field  of  battle.  I  attached  my- 
self to  these,  and  marched  six  miles  through  the  soft 
burning  sand  with  them.  The  first  we  came  to  was  a 
Highlander,  who  had  been  shot  through  the  thigh,  and 
had  walked  some  way  from  the  field  and  lay  spent  un- 
der some  bushes.  He  was  taken  care  of  and  we  went 
on,  and  passed  the  whole  of  the  larger  hiU  without  see- 
ing any  thing.  The  ground  then  opened  into  a  most 
extensive  plain  which  extended  from  the  sea  to  the  blue 
mountains  at  a  great  distance  on  the  east.  On  the  right 
was  the  little  hill,  to  which  we  were  attracted  by  seeing 
some  English  soldiers  ;  we  found  that  they  were  some 
Mipunded  men  of  the 24th.  They  had  all  been  taken  care 


394  JOURNAL.  [1806 

of  by  the  surgeons  of  the  Staff.  Three  were  mortally 
wounded.  One  who  was  shot  through  the  lungs  was 
spitting  blood  and  yet  very  sensible.  The  surgeon  de- 
sired me  to  spread  a  great  coat  over  him  as  they  left 
him,  as  I  did  this  I  talked  to  him  a  little  of  the  blessed 
gospel,  and  begged  him  to  cry  for  mercy  through  Jesus 
Christ.  The  poor  man  feebly  turned  his  head  in  some 
surprize,  but  took  no  further  notice,  I  was  sorry  to  be 
obliged  to  leave  him  and  go  on  after  the  troops,  from  - 
whom  I  was  not  allowed  to  be  absent  out  of  ^  regard  to 
my  safety.  On  the  top  of  the  little  hill  lay  Captain  F. 
of  the  Grenadiers  of  the  same  r^ment,  dead,  shot  by  a 
ball  entering  his  neck  and  passing  into  his  head.  I 
shuddered  with  horror  at  the  sight ;  his  face  and  bosom* 
were  covered  with  thick  blood,  and  his  limbs  rigid  and 
contracted  as  if  he  had  died  in  great  agony.  Near  him 
were  several  others  dead,  picked  off  by  the  rifle  men  of 
the  enemy.  We  then  descended  into  the  plain  where 
the  two  armies  had  been  drawn  up.  A  Marine  of  the 
Belliqueux  gave  me  a  full  account  of  the  position  of  the 
armies  and  particulars  of  the  battle.  We  soon  met  with 
some  of  the  59th,  one  a  corporal,  who  often  joins  tis  in 
singing  and  who  gave  the  pleasing  intelligence,  that  the 
regiment  had  escaped  unhurt,  except  Captain  McPher* 
son.  In  the  rear  of  the  enemy's  army  there  were  some 
farm-houses,  which  we  had  converted  into  a  receptacle 
for  the  sick,  and  in  which  there  were  already  two  hun« 
dred,  chiefly  English,  with  a  few  of  the  enemy.  Here  I 
entered  and  found  that  six  oflicers  were  wounded;  but  as 
the  surgeon  said  they  should  not  be  disturbed,  I  did  not 
go  in,  especially  as  they  were  not  dangerously  wounded. 
In  one  room  I  found  a  Dutch  captain  wounded,  with 
whom  I  had  a  good  deal  of  conversation  in  French. 
After  a  few  questions  about  the  army  and  the  Cape,  I 
could  not  help  enquiring  about  Dr.  Vanderkemp ;  he 
said  he  had  seen  him,  but  believed  he  was  not  at  the 
Cape,  nor  knew  how  I  might  hear  of  him.  The  specta- 
cle at  these  houses  was  horrid.  The  wounded  soldiers 
lay  ranged  within  and  without  covered  with  blood  and 


1806]  JOURNAL.  395 

gore.  While  tiie  India  troops  remained  here,  I  walked 
out  into  the  field  of  battle  with  the  surgeon.  On  the 
right  wing  where  they  had  been  attacked  by  the  High* 
land  regiment,  the  dead  and  wounded  seemed  to  have 
been  strewed  in  great  numbers,  from  the  knapsacks, 
&c.  Some  of  them  were  still  remaining;  with  a 
Frenchman  whom  I  found  amongst  them  I  had  some 
conversation*  All  whom  we  approached  cried  out  in- 
stantly for  water.  One  poor  Hottentot  I  asked  about 
Dr.  v.,  I  saw  by  his  manner  that  he  knew  him ;  he  lay 
with  extraordinary  patience  under  his  wound  on  the 
burning  sand ;  I  did  Vhat  I  could  to  make  his  position 
comfortable,  andlaid  near  him  some  bread,  which  I  found 
on  the  ground.  Another  Hottentot  lay  struggling  with  his 
mouth  in  the  dust,  and  the  blood  flowing  out  of  it, 
cursing  the  Dutch  in  English,  in  the  most  horrid  lan- 
guage ;  I  told  him  he  should  rather  forgive  them,  and 
asked  him  about  God,  and  after  telling  him  of  the 
gospel,  begged  he  would  pray  to  Jesus  Christ ;  but  he 
did  not  attend.  While  the  surgeon  w«it  back  to  get 
his  instrument  in  hopes  of  saving  the  man's  life,  a  High- 
land soldier  came  up,  and  asked  me  in  a  rough  ton€, 

*  who  are  you?'   I  told  him,  an  Englishman,  he  said, 

*  no,  no,  you  are  French,'  and  was  going  to  present  his 
musquet.  As  I  saw  he  was  rather  intoxicated,  and  might 
in  mere  wantonness  fire,  I  went  up  to  him  and  told  him 
that  if  he  liked  he  might  take  me  prisoner  to  the  English 
army,  but  that  I  was  certainly  an  English  clergyman. 
The  man  was  pacified  at  last.  The  surgeon  on  his  re- 
turn  found  the  thigh  bone  of  the  poor  Hottentot  broken, 
and  therefore  left  him  to  die.  After  this  I  found  an  op- 
portunity of  retiring  and  lay  down  among  the  bushes, 
and  lifted  up  my  soul  to  God.  I  cast  my  eyes  over  the 
plain  which  a  few  hours  before  had  been  the  scene  of 
bloodshed  and  death,  and  mourned  over  the  dreadful 
effects  of  sin.  How  reviving  to  my  thoughts  were  the 
blue  mountains  on  the  east,  where  I  conceived  the  Mis- 
sionaries labouring  to  spread  the  Gospel  *of  peace  and 
love.     The  Dutch  captain  told  me  it  was  to  save  his 


396  JOURNAL.  [1806 

honour,  the  Dutch  governor  made  such  a  stout  re- 
sistance. Oh  i  that  ambitious  men  at-home  could  see 
the  miseries  of  war,  the  agonies  of  dying  men  lelft  ne- 
glected on  the  field,  and  the  wretched  relatives  driven 
from  their  homes.  In  the  house  of  the  sick,  there  was 
among  others  a  picture  of  a  preacher,  Kolver  I  think  his 
name  was.  Perhaps  some  children  of  God  lived  here,  I 
prayed  with  much  enlargement  for  the  spread  of  the  gos- 
pel, and  found  by  this  means  my  own  soul  much  recovered 
from  the  distraction  occasioned  by  the  multitude  of  out- 
ward things  that  had  engaged  my  attention.  We 
marched  back  in  the  evening  to  th%  English  lines  at  the 
place  of  embarkation  ;  the  ground  all  the  way  was  soft 
sand,  covered  with  low  bushes,  consisting  of  a  great  va- 
riety of  heaths  flowering,  and  some  wild  myrtles  and 
geraniums ;  round  the  farm-houses  were  some  yellow 
spots  of  fallow  land,  but  I  observed  no  enclosures.  The 
surf  was  high  when  we  came  to  go  on  board,  and  the 
swell  was  so  great  that  I  began  to  be  in  fear.  On  arriv- 
ing near  to  where  the  Union  should  be,  we  heard  from  a 
neighbouring  ship  that  she  had  weighed  and  gone  out. 
Being  very  cold  and  hungry  I  began  to  grow  dis- 
contented, and  in  that  state  of  mind  I  felt  very  unwilling 
to  die  if  it  should  please  God  to  command  the  waves  to 
swallow  me  up  ;  but  on  farther  consideration  I  thought 
how  much  more  it  became  me  to  be  thankful,  and  by 
meditating  on  **  Bless  the  Lord,  O  my  soul,"  Psalm  ciii. 
my  reflections  were  quite  changed ;  I  rejoiced  in  spirit, 
and  looked  upon  the  threatening  waves  with  a  placid 
aspect,  as  those  which  might  be  commissioned  to  launch 
me  away  to  a  happy  world,  where  the  wicked  cease  from 
troubling,  and  the  weary  are  at  rest.  After  a  hard  pull 
we  reached  the  Europe,  East  Indiaman,  and  begged  for 
a  night's  lodging,  which  they  gave  us ;  though  not  any 
meat,  which  I  was  so  much  in  want  of. 

9 — 12.  (See  Memoir,)  As  I  heard  there  was  ser- 
vice at  an  English  church  in  the  afternoon,  I  was  making 
preparations  •for  going  ashore ;  and  by  this  means 
wounded  ray  peace  of  mind,  by  rendering  myself  unfit 


1806]  JOURNAL.  397 

for  undivided  attention  to  divine  things  on  this  holy 
day ;  but  afterwards  was  much  blessed  in  meditation  on 
Psalm  xii.  24.  and  felt  quite  happy  at  the  prospect  of 
the  future  glory  of  the  church,  and  God's  great  mercy  in 
restoring  me  to  such  peacefiilness  of  mind.  It  blew  too 
hard  to  admit  of  our  going  ashore  ;  and  the  men  were  sa 
employed,  that  there  was  no  opportunity  for  divine  ser- 
vice. In  the  afternoon,  when  I  went  out,  I  found  there 
was  a  most  dreadful  fight  among  the  soldiers ;  all  the 
sailors  and  passengers  were  around,  unable  to  separate 
them ;  my  interference  had  the  effect  of  restoring  them 
to  order.  In  the  evening  the  ladies  were  alarmed  at  the 
intelligence,  that  the  59th  had  been  ordered  to  march 
with  six  field  pieces,  against  the  enemy,  who  are  still  in 
the  country  somewhere,  though  the  enemy  have  sur- 
rendered the  fort.  The  Major  was  coming  to  me  for 
our  usual  Sunday's  service,  when  I  was  sent  for  to  the 
ladies,  and  thus  I  had  no  one  social  ordinance  through 
the  day.  The  wind  now  blows  a  hurricane.  (See 
Memoir.) 

13.  I  had  been  anxiously  inquiring  about  Dr.  Van- 
derkemp.  (See  Memoir.)  He  called  for  Mr.  Read, 
and  I  was  beyond  measure  delighted  at  the  happiness  of 
seeing  him  too.  I  found  they  had  quitted  their  situation 
among  the  Hottentots,  through  the  persecution  of  the 
boors,  and  had  now  resided  in  Cape  Town  since  July 
last.  We  all  admired  the  providence  of  God  in  sending 
out  our  expedition  from  England,  just  at  that  very  time 
to  take  away  their  place  and  nation.  I  joined  their 
family  service^  though  it  was  all  in  Dutch  ;  there  were 
several  females,  and  one^  young  man  who  had  some 
thoughts  of  devoting  himself  to  the  missionary  service. 
Mr.  Read  read  a  chapter  and  expounded  it  with  great 
fluency,  and  Dr.  Vanderkemp  prayed  ;  though  the  hymn 
was  in  Dutch,  the  tune  was  a  well-known  English  one, 
and  in  that  I  joined  with  great  joy.  Dr.  V.  and  Mr.  R. 
walked  back  with  me  to  my  lodgings.  I  was  much  sur- 
prised to  find  Dr,  V.  so  old  a  man,  he  had  every  appear- 
ance of  being  about  eighty  years  of  age ;  the  circum- 


398  JOURNAL*  [1806 

stance  of  meeting  with  these  heloved  and  highly 
honoured  brethren  so  filled  me  with  joy  and  gratitude 
for  the  goodness  of  Grod's  providence,  that  I  hardly 
knew  what  to  do.  Major  0.  at  night  proposed  sending 
them  £\0.  which  I  was  much  pleased  at^  both  on  their 
account  and  his  own. 

14.  Again  lost  many  precious  hours,  by  waiting  for 
one  person  and  another  before  I  could  get  on  board. 
As  I  was  in  a  very  carnal  state,  I  passed  as  much  of  the 
afternoon  as  I  could,  in  prayer  and  reading,  and  was 
brought  through  mercy  to  something  of  a  more  holy 
heavenly-minded  frame.  Captain  N.'s  body  was  brought 
ashore  this  evening  in  a  boat,  towed  by  another,  in 
which  was  a  flag  half-mast  high.  As  we  left  the  ship 
a  gun  was  fired  by  her,  and  she  continued  firing  minute 
guns  to  the  number  of  34,  the  years  of  his  age.  The 
scene  was  remarkably  soleom.  Most  of  the  Captains  of 
Indiamen  attended  the  funeral,  which  was  likely  to  have 
met  with  an  interruption  by  my  having  neglected  to 
bring  the  Prayer-book  with  me ;  in  the  utmost  confusion 
I  sent  to  all  the  English  families,  but  none  could  be 
found,  and  so  I  went  to  the  church,  where,  through  the 
ignorance  of  the  proper  ceremonies,  the  corpse  had 
arrived  before  me,  and  began  the  service  without  a 
Prayer-book,  and  read  the  Psalms  and  lessons  from  my 
Bible.  At  the  critical  moment,  while  the  body  was 
putting  into  the  grave,  Mr.  Read  who  had  been  running 
about  to  get  a  book,  put  one  into  my  hand  without  any 
ope  perceiving  it,  and  thus  the  whole  service  went  on 
wiih  propriety  and  decorum.  Afterwards  walked  with 
him.    (See  Memoir,  p.  161.) 

16—20.  (See  Memoir,  pp.  162,  163.) 
21.  I  was  agreeably  surprised  to  be  introduced  to 
several  of  the  Hottentot  sisters,  and  two  brethren, 
of  whom  I  had  read  ;  they  had  travelled  from  Bethels* 
dorp,  and  brought  the  produce  of  their  elephant  hunt- 
ing. The  tusks  and  teeth  were  lying  on  the  ground ; 
the  dried  flesh  of  the  rhinoceros  and  spring-buck  was 
in  bags,  dried  by  exposure  to   the  sun  ;  there  were  also 


1806]  JOUENAL.  a»9 

whip  sticks  au  ioch  and  a  half  thick,  cut  from  the  skin 
of  the  rhinoceros;  I  tasted  some  of  the  fleshy  and 
wrapped  myself  in  the  kaross.  The  poor  dear  people 
had  much  expression  in  their  countenances,  and  I 
regretted  that  I  could  not  converse  with  them. 
Drank  tea  at  Mr.  Lasream's,  hut  had  no  conversation 
except  with  the  mtssioQaries,  from  whom  I  had  an 
account  of  their  manner  of  administering  the  two  sacra- 
ments. With  respect  to  meat  they  were  apt  to  be  sur- 
feited with  animal  food,  for  want  of  bread.  The  number 
of  missionary  brethren  at  our  station  should  be  three, 
for  if  two  only,  then  if  one  is  ill,  too  much  work  de- 
volves on  the  other.  If  things  at  any  time  did  not  seem 
prosperous  among  the  people,  they  would  xmite  in 
prayer,  after  which  there  would  always  be  some  new 
manifestations  of  divine  grace.  They  thought  no  quali- 
fications  particularly  requisite  for  missionaries,  and  that 
young  men  offering  themselves  should  not  be  detained 
in  England,  and  then  sent  as  missionaries,  but  sent  at 
once  to  be  assistants  to  established  missions  for  two  or 
three  years,  that  they  might  see  what  sort  of  life  it  is ; 
if  they  find  themselves  unfit  they  might  retire  with-r 
out  disgrace  ;  for  some  had  come  out  from  Holland,  and 
said  they  could  not  continue  missionaries,  except  they 
could  be  supported  as  gentlemen.  Read,  when  tired 
witibi  study,  used  to  go  to  the  house  of  the  Hottentots, 
and  listen  to  their  hunting  stories.  They  thought  the 
Bible  was  given  to  the  two  sodssionaries  only,  and  were 
greatly  at  a  loss  to  know  what  they  should  do  when  the 
missionaries  were  dead.  After  they  were  taught,  they 
began  to  say,  *  Why  did  the  boors  keep  away  from  us 
those  little  scratchi  and  dots/  The  Cafres,  Dr.  V. 
thinks,  are  of  Arabian  origin ;  they  circumcise  their 
children  at  fourteen  years  old,  after  the  manner  of  the 
Arabs.  Hottentots'  language  entirely  differoit;  great 
resemblance  to  the  Hebrew,  having  the  same  conjuga^ 
tions,  but  no  difference  of  gender  in  the  verbs.  The 
Hottentots  were  exceedingly  delighted  with  the  idea  of 
the  resurrection,  as  they  said  tl^y  should  see  their  old 


400  JOURNAL.  1806] 

friends  again,  but  regretted  it  was  not  to  take  place 
yet  awhile. 

22.  Employed  in  writing  to  E ;  my  heart  was 

full  of  the  tenderest  affection  to  her,  and  Lydia,  and  the 
people  of  God,  but  yet  in  many  respects  cold  in  the  ser- 
vice of  God.  Went  with  brother  Read  to  visit  the 
hospital,  where  the  wounded  English  were.  We  spoke 
to  some  of  them.  At  the  barrack  we  met  with  F.  of 
the  24th,  at  whose  request  we  went  to  his  room,  and 
met  several  officers.  For  my  conformity  to  them  I  felt 
miserably  grieved  afterwards,  and  could  have  hidden  my 
head  in  the  dust.  In  prayer,  God  was  pleased  to  give 
me  to  feel  sorrow  for  my  sin,  and  peace  and  tenderness 
of  heart  the  rest  of  the  evening. 

23,  24.  (See  Memoir,  p.  169.)  Drank  tea  with 
Read,  at  Mr.  Y.'s,  and  there  met  Smith,  a  Dutch  mis- 
sionary. .  Mrs.  V.  who  spoke  English  well,  gave  me  an 
account  of  the  Briewas.  She  said  the  country  was 
under  the  dominion  of  four  kings,  who  were  generally  at 
war  with  one  another  ;  the  people  were  utteriy  averse  to 
receive  the  gospel,  thought  they  conferred  an  obligation 
by  listening,  and  made  it  a  plea  for  getting  tobacco  from 
him,  &c.  but  shewed  no  other  disposition  to  persecute 
them  than  what  must  be  expected  from  savage  nations  ; 
so  that  I  really  could  not  see  that  Mr.  Vanderlingee  had 
done  right  in  leaving  them.  If  any  blame  were  to  attach 
to  them,  I  should  be  disposed  to  lay  it  to  Mrs.  V.  who 
seemed  a  very  light  high-spirited  woman,  very  unfit  for 
a  missionary's  mfe. 

25—31.     (See  Memoir,  p.  164—167.) 

31.     Very  dissatisfied  at  losing  much  time  through 

the  calls  of  P and  C ,  but  in  my  walk,  spoke 

with  great  vehemence  against  some  fashionable  sins, 
from  which  they  would  be  in  danger  in  India.  I  do  not 
know  when  I  have  felt  such  indignation,  as  at  hearing 
of  the  sin  which  gave  occasion  to  our  discourse.  Oh 
when  shall  the  cruel  wickedness  of  this  world  have  an 
end.  Afterwards  went  home,  and  prayed  for  a  more 
tender  compassion  towards  sinners,  &c.     (See  Memoir.) 


1806]  JOURNAL.  401 

February  1  to  5.  (See  Memoir,  pp.  167,  168.) 
5.  Had  a  little  conversation  with  Read  on  the  heach, 
not  thinking  it  would  be  the  last  time  I  should  see  him. 
We  spoke  again  of  the  excellency  of  the  missionary 
work.  The  last  time  I  had  stood  on  the  shore  with  a 
friend,  speaking  on  the  same  subject,  was  with  Lydia, 
at  Marazion ;  and  this  recurring  to  my  mind,  I  men- 
tioned her  to  Read.  He  said  that  at  his  first  outset  he 
did  not  think  himself  at  all  at  liberty  to  think  upon 
marriage,  this  text  being  continually  suggested  to  him, 
"  Seek  first  the  kingdom  of- God,"  &c.  However,  I 
felt  not  the  slightest  desire  of  marriage  under  my  pre- 
sent circumstances,  and  often  find  reason  to  bless  God 
for  keeping  me  single.  Brother  Read  went  on  board 
the  transport  which  was  to  convey  him,  and  the  new 
Landrost,  Captain  Kylee,  of  the  59th,  to  Algoa  Bay ; 
it  sailed  the  next  day,  and  I  .saw  no  more  of  him. 

.  6.  Getting  ready  for  sea,  and  reading  Prideaux,  and 
Persian.  Wrote  to  Hensman.  Baptized  a  son  of  Mr. 
W.  of  the  Europe,  a  civilian  of  the  Madras  establish- 
ment.    Enjoyed  at  night  a  blessed  season  in  prayer. 

7.  Waiting  to  go  on  board.  Called  with  Lieutenant 
K.  on  P.  W.  but  found  he  was  ill  in  the  country.  A 
south-easter  coming  on  in  tiie  afternoon,  we  were  de- 
tained ashore ;  read  Prideaux. 

8.  Went  aboard  at  five  in  the  morning,  and  passed 
much  of  the  day  in  arranging  my  cabin  and  prepara- 
tions for  to-morrow.  A  gloom  seemed  to  hang  upon  all 
the  passengers,  at  beginning  so  long  a  trip  as  from 
hence  to  India,  after  the  weariness  of  so  long  a  voyage. 
But  there  was  no  wind  all  day,  so  that  our  patience  had 
a  further  trial.  If  the  Lord  vouchsafe  his  presence,  all 
places  are  alike  to  me,  sea  or  land. 

9.  (Sunday.)  There  being  the  appearance  of  a  south 
easter  in  the  morning,  we  expected  a  signal  every  minute 
for  going  to  sea,  and  on  this  account  the  Captain  would 
have  no  service ;  passed  the  morning  in  reading  the 
service  with  M*K ;  in  the  afternoon  a  breeze -sprung  up ; 
the  Indiamen,  with  all  the  men-of-war,  and  the  trans- 

2  D 


402  JOURNAL.  [1806 

ports  bound  to  India  for  provisions,  got  under  wei^. 
At  night  M'K.  and  myself  read  and  prayed  together. 

*  10.  After  a  disturbed  night,  I  rose  sick,  and  con* 
^tinned  very  ill  throughout  the  day ;  the  time  passed 
away  very  painfully  and  tediously  in  reading  a  little,  and 
slumbering.  Read  Leighton  in  the  evening,  and  found 
as  usual  the  writings  of  that  holy  man  blest  to  my  spirit's 
real  good,  and  saw  the  sinfulness  of .  giving  way  too 
much  to  the  influence  of  the  body,  and  suffering  it  to 
chain  down  the  soul  to  earth  ;  for  what  should  I  do  in  a 
long  sickness  preceding  death  ? 

11.  Rose  rather  better  through  mercy,  but  the  mo- 
tion of  the  ship  was  so  great,  that  I  was  still  uncom- 
fortable, and  could  do  little  in  my  cabin,  nor  walk  much 
on  deck,  from  extreme  feebleness.  In  the  afternoon  a 
strange  sail  appearing  in  the  north-east,  we  ran  away 
before  the  wind  in  chase  pf  her,  by  which  means  the 
motion  ceasing,  I  had  a  little  ease.  She  proved  to  be 
a  friend,  and  as  we  supposed,  a  homeward-bound  India- 
man.  Had  great  grief  and  humiliation  in  prayer,  for 
having  said  something  very  severe  to  the  captain,  which 
vexed  him  not  a  little,  though  I  certainly  did  not  intend 
it.  My  soul  was  full  of  anguish  at  having  given  another 
unnecessary  pain,  and  saw  guilt  enough  in  not  having  a 
rule  over  my  tongue.  Had  I  been  breathing  love  to  his 
soul,  and  in  the  habit  of  praying  to  God  for  him,  I 
could  not  have  spoken  in  such  a  manner ;  I  thought, 
Christ  has  sent  me  forth  as  an  under-shepherd,  to  win 
the  wandering  sheep  by  every  act  of  kindness,  and  yet  I, 
through  my  wickedness,  drive  them  farther  from  the 
fold.  God  was  graciously  pleased  to  open  to  my  mind, 
new  and  solemnizing  views  of  eternal  things,  so  Chat  my 
thoughts  and  affections  sweetly  rested  in  heaven. 
M'K.  and  myself  read  and  prayed  together  at  night. 

12.  Continued  very  unwell,  so  that  I  could  engage 
in  no  regular  employment.  Read  Isaiah  and  Persian  at 
intervals.  By  reading  Leighton's  rules  for  a  holy  life, 
I  found  myself  most  awfully  affected,  and  felt  such  a 
deep  conviction  of  the  necessity  of  holiness,  and  such  a 


1806]  JOURNAL.  403 

desire  after  it,  that  when  I  was  amongst  the  rest  at 
dinner,  I  felt  quite  grieved  and  shocked  at  every  little 
levity.  However  if  I,  in  a  little  more  spiritual  frame 
feel  astonished  at  the  universal  thoi^htlessness  of  men, 
what  must  the  infinitely  holy  God  think  of  them ;  and 
of  me,  when  I  conform  to  them  I  Went  below  after 
dinner,  and  with  some  difficulty  got  a  few  together  to 
sing.  I  came  up  deeply  sorrowfiil  at  the  awfully-har- 
dened state  of  the  soldiers,  and  felt  still  more  keenly 
the  unconcern  of  some  of  whom  I  hoped  better  things.  I 
go  down  the  main  hatchway  and  stand  in  the  midst  of  a 
few,  without  their  taking  the  slightest  notice  of  me, 
except  it  be  by  giving  a  look  of  dread.  After  a  little 
while  they  call  one  or  two  of  the  singers,  in  such  a  man- 
ner as  shows  they  think  they  are  doing  me  a  great 
favour.  I.  comfort  myself  at  such  times  by  saying, 
'  Lord,  it  is  for  thy  sake  I  suffer  such  slights,  enable  me 
to  persevere  notwithstanding.'  What  I  had*been  read- 
ing in  Leighton,  remained  much  on  my  mind.  I  felt 
altogether  a  new  frame,  a  conviction  and  desire  after 
such  alterations,  but  scarcely  courage  to  attempt  it ;  but 
withal,  the  deepest  spirit  of  devotion  I  have  felt  for  a 
long  time  past.  Towards  night  my  soul  seemed  to  sink 
in  deep  waters,  and  a  horrible  dread  overwhelmed  me. 
To  forsake  every  species  of  earthly  enjoyment,  to  crucify, 
and  mortify,  not  only  sinful  pleasures,  but  all  complacency 
in  created  enjoyments,  seemed  to  leave  me  wretched ;  and 
the  distance  which  I  found  in  myself  from  that  simple 
living  upon  God,  and  the  great  difficulty  of  attaining  to  it, 
oppressed  me  with  darkness  and  distress.  Yet  I  scarcely 
kne^  what  it  was  that  oppressed  me.  In  prayer  after- 
wards it  seemed  to  be  the  unawakened  state  of  my  hear- 
ers, that  chiefly  made  me  melancholy. 

13.  Still  too  sick  from  the  motion  to  apply  regu- 
larly to  study.  Rose  early,  and  as  usual  sat  in  my  chair ; 
too  sick  and  weak  to  dress  myself.  My  state  of  mind 
at  such  times  is  gloomy  beyond  measure.  After  break- 
fast had  a  solemn  season  in  prayer,  with  the  same 
impressions  as  yesterday,  from  Leighton,  and  tried  to 

2  D  2 


404  JOURNAL.  [1806 

give  up  myself  wholly  to  God,  not  only  to  be  resigned 
solely  to  his  will,  but  to  seek  my  only  pleasure  from  it, 
to  depart  altogether  from  the  world,  and  be  exactly  the 
same  in  happiness,  whether  painful  or  pleasing  dispen- 
sations were  appointed  me:  I  endeavoured  to  realize 
again  the  truth,  that  suffering  was  my  appointed  portion, 
and  that  it  became  me  to  expect  it  as  my  daily  lot.  Yet 
after  all,  I  was  ready  to  cry  out,  what  an  unfortunate 
creature  I  am,  the  child  of  sorrow  and  care  ;  from  my 
infancy  I  have  met  with  nothing  but  contradiction,  but  I 
always  solaced  myself  that  one  day  it  would  be  better, 
and  I  should  find  myself  comfortably  settled  in  the 
enjoyment  of  domestic  pleasures,  whereas,  after  all  the 
wearying  labours  of  school  and  college,  I  am  at  last  cut 
off  from  all  my  friends,  and  comforts,  and  dearest  hopes, 
without  being  permitted  even  to  hope  for  them  any 
more.  As  I  walked  the  deck,  I  found  that  the  conver- 
sation of  others,  and  my  own  gloomy  surmises  of  my 
'ftiture  trials,  affected  me  far  less  with  vexation,  than 
thfey  formerly  did,  merely  from  this,  that  I  took  it  as 
my  portion  from  God,  all  whose  dispensations  I  am 
bound  to  consider  and  receive  as  the  fruits  of  infinite 
wisdom  and  love  towards  me.  I  felt  therefore  very 
quiet,  and  was  manifestly  strengthened  from  above  with 
might  in  my  inner  man,  therefore  without  any  joy,  with- 
out any  pleasant  considerations  to  balance  my  present 
sickness  and  gloom,  I  was  contented  from  the  reflection, 
that  it  was  God  who  did  it.  I  pray  that  this  may  be 
my  state,  neither  to  be  anxious  to  escape  from  this 
stormy  sea,  that  was  round  the  Cape,  nor  to  change  the 
tedious  scene  of  the  ship  for  Madias,  nor  to  leave,  this 
world  merely  to  get  rid  of  the  troubles  of  it,  but  to  glo- 
rify God  where  I  am,  and  where  he  puts  me,  and  to 
take  each  day  as  an  important  trust  for  him,  in  which  I 
have  much  to  do  both  in  suffering  and  acting.  Employed 
in  collecting  from  the  New  Testament,  all  the  passages 
that  refer  to  our  walking  in  Christ. 

14.     So  ill  the  whole  morning  with  a  head-ache,  that 
I  could  not  sit  in  my  cabin  ;  yet  through  grace ;  my  mind 


1806J  JOURNAL.  405 

continued  in  the  same  contented  spirit  as  yesterday.  I 
neither  looked  back  nor  looked  forward,  but  endeavoured 
to  be  pleased  with  the  dispensations  of  the  day.  Spoke 
to  M'K.  a  good  deal  on  this  subject,  and  on  that  unchar- 
itable, slanderous  disposition  which  we  are  apt  to  indulge. 
Pound  my  usual  place  at  the  main  hatchway  occupied  in 
the  afternoon ;  so  I  returned  and  passed  some  time  in 
prayer,  for  the  stedfast  maintenance  of  this  spirit  of  sub- 
mission* But  though  in  several  seasons  of  prayer  I  had 
fixed  and  solemn  thoughts,  there  was  a  want  of  love  to 
God.  Was  beginning,  with  some  profit,  to  meditate  on 
a  subject,  when  M*K.  coming  in  interrupted  me.  We 
passed,  some  time  in  reading  and  prayer,  after  which  I 
read  Hindoostanee. 

15.  Chiefly  employed  in  writing.  Sickness  being 
removed,  and  outward  things  being  more  agreeable,  I 
found  it  more  difficult  to  look  off  from  all  things  to 
God,  than  when  I  was  troubled,  and  thus  have  I  actually 
been  happier  in  ajfiiction  than  at  other  times.  I  know 
however  so  well  by  experience  now,  how  sweet  and 
happy  a  life  it  is  to  live  by  faith,  that  I  was  earnest  to 
keep  close  to  God,  and  be  utterly  indifferent  about  the 
outward  scene. 

16.  (Sunday.)  Felt  the  utmost  reluctance  to  the 
public  duties  of  the  day ;  but  instead  of  labouring  to  per- 
ceive some  pleasantness  in  my  work  as  I  used  to  do,  in 
order  to  reconcile  myself  to  it,  I  calmly  considered  it  as 
a  cross,  and  then  from  a  principle  of  resignation  had 
my  mind  made  up  to  go  right  through  every  difficulty  in 
obedience  to  God.  Prpached  from  Psalm  ciii.  1 — 4,  as 
suitable  to  the  occasion  of  its  being  the  first  service  after 
their  return  from  the  battle.  The  congregation  was 
small,  and  those  who  were  there  seemed  to  show  a  great 
deal  of  determined  inattention  and  contempt,  i.  e.  the 
common  soldiers.  The  yoimger  officers  were  none  of 
them  present ;  they  annoy  M^K.  most ;  to  me  they 
seldom  speak.  *  Come  now,'  they  said  to  M*K.  as  he 
went  down,  *  let  us  have  a  little  of  the  humbug,'  and 
then  began  to  mimic  the  singing  of  psalms.     S.  in  the 


406  JOURNAL.  [1806 

afternoon,  at  which  time  he  is  always  intoxicated,  find- 
ing M'K  reading  the  Bible,  said  ' the  Bible  !  *  Poor 

unhappy  creature,  the  terrors  of  God  are  manifestly  upon 
his  conscience,  for  in  his  dnmkenness  he  is  always  talk- 
ing of  religion.  After  the  service,  felt  very  contented  to 
be  among  this  people,  and  to  be  left  without  any  fruity 
since  such  was  the  will  of  God.  I  continued  in  a  solemn 
and  mournful  frame,  thinking  much  of  those  words  of 
Ezekiel,  *^  Not  to  many  people  of  a  strange  speech,  and 
of  an  hard  language,  whose  words  thou  canst  not  under- 
stand. Surely  bad  I  sent  thee  to  them,  they  would  have 
hearkened  unto  thee.  But  the  house  of  Israel  will  not 
hearken  unto  thee  ;  for  they  will  not  hearken  unto  me ; 
for  all  the  house  of  Israel  are  impudent  and  hard- 
hearted." Going  below  in  the  afternoon,  I  found  the 
tailor  and  serjeant  at  the  usual  place  of  our  meetings 
employed  in  cutting  out  clothes.  I  read  Luke  xix.  and 
found  great  freedom  in  speaking  from  several  parts; 
there  was  great  noise  and  levity  all  about,  so  that  I  was 
at  first  afraid  to  pray,  but  considering  that  eternal  things 
ought  not  to  give  place  to  the  Devil,  I  began,  and  soon 
all  was  silent.  Thus  the  Lord  fulfils  his  promise,  of 
making  my  forehead  strong  against  their  foreheads,  as 
an  adafnant  harder  than  flmt.  B  ■■  sat  with  me  in 
the  evening ;  during  the  conversation  my  heart  was 
filled  with  joy  in  God,  and  all  that  was  within  me  bles- 
sed his  holy  name ;  but  in  prayer  alone  I  rather  endea* 
voured  to  have  solemn  thoughts  of  God,  and  deep  con- 
siderations of  the  necessity  of  perfect  submission,  than 
gave  way  to  the  flow  of  joy.  I  perceived  for  the  first 
time  the  difference  between  sensible  sweetness  in  reli- 
gion, and  the  really  valuable  attainments  in  vital  godli- 
ness, according  to  those  remarkable  words  of  Leighton, 
which  rather  surprised  me  at  first.  (Rules  for  a  holy  life. 
Sec.  iii.  9.)  "  Mortify  all  affections  towards  inward 
sensible  spiritual  delight  in  grace,  and  the  following  of 
devotion  with  sensible  sweetness  in  the  lower  faculties 
or  powers  of  the  soul,  which  are  no  wise  real  sanctity 
and  holiness  in  themselves,  but  certain  gifts  of  God  to 


1806]  JOURNAL.  40^ 

hdp  our  infirmity."  M*K.  prayed  in  my  cabin  to  night, 
and  our  tempers  and  conversations  more  Christian  than 
ordinarily. 

17.  Had  reason  enough  to  accuse  myself  of  idle* 
nes6.  Wrote  a  little  on  &  divine  subject,  and  was  some- 
what solemn  in  the  employment ;  but  by  giving  way  to 
a  light  spirit,  brought  a  sense  of  guilt  on  my  mind,  and 
a  burdensome  inability  to  be  holy  and  devout  in  my 
thoughts.  Oh  what  a  miserable  existence  is  life,  except 
the  time  be  well  filled  up  with  profitable  work,  and  the 
soul  conformed  to  the  mind  which  was  in  Christ  Jesus. 

18.  Completed  my  twenty-fifth  year.  Let  me  re- 
collect it  to  my  own  shame,  and  be  warned  by  it^  to 
spend  my  future  years  to  a  better  purpose ;  unless  this 
be  the  case,  it  is  of  very  little  consequence  to  notice 
when  such  a  person  came  into  the  world.  Passed  much 
of  the  mormng  in  prayer,  but  could  not  succeed  at  all 
in  getting  an  humble  and  contrite  spirit ;  my  pride  and 
self-esteem  seemed  imconquerable.  Wrote  sermon  with 
my  mind  impressed  with  the  necessity  of  diligence :  had 
the  usual  service,  and  talked  much  to  a  sick  man.  Read 
Hindoostanee.  As  we  were  scudding  at  the  rate  of  nine 
knots  an  hour,  before  a  gale  of  wind,  there  would  have 
been  the  utmost  danger  in  running  foul  of  a  ship,  which 
we  had  almost  done  at  night;  we  continued  between 
two  ships  without  any  seaman  fit  for  such  difiScult 
steering,  so  that  I  felt  more  alarm  than  at  any  time  since 
we  first  sailed.  I  did  not  go  to  bed  till  very  late,  and 
when  I  did,  it  was  with  such  expectation  of  being  awaked 
by  the  summons  of  death,  that  I  got  little  or  no  sleep 
the  whole  night ;  nature  trembled  at  passing  into  another 
world,  but  my  soul  was  enabled  to  perceive  God  to  be 
my  reconciled  father. 

19.  Private  duties  encroached  so  far  on  the  morn- 
ing, through  my  extreme  idleness  and  want  of  energy 
in  the  performance  of  them,  that  I  could  do  but  litde 
afterwards.  Read  Hindoostanee ;  the  gale  of  wind  con- 
tinuing, and  much  water  fiying  over  &e  sides,  all  the 
hatches  were  shut  down,  so  that  there  was  perfect  dark'- 


408  JOURNAL.  [1806 

ness  below  ;  however,  I  visited  the  sick  man^  being 
obliged  to  feel  my  way  to  him.  I  am  always  surprised 
at  the  perfect  contentment  with  which  they  seem  to  lie. 
This  man  was  swinging  in  his  hammock  in  darkness^ 
and  heat,  and  damp,  without  a  creature  to  speak  to  him, 
and  in  a  burning  fever.  I  gave  him  a  few  grapes  which 
had  been  given  me,  to  allay  his  thirst.  How  great  the 
pleasure  of  doing  good  even  to  the  bodies  of  men*  He 
said  he  had  been  thinking  of  what  I  had  told  him  ever 
since,  but  shewed  no  true  marks  of  seriousness.  As  I 
was  entering  in  my  common-place  book  something  from 
Brown  of  this  kind,  *  that  if  from  regard  to  God's  Sab- 
baths, I  deny  myself,  he  will  more  than  make  it  up  to 
me,'  I  could  not  help  recollecting,  how  this  had  been  ful- 
filled to  me  this  very  day  ;  for  the  Sunday  we  sailed  from 
the  Cape,  a  boat  coming  alongside  with  fruit,  I  did  not 
think  it  right  to  buy  any,  though  I  longed  to  have  some 
to  carry  to  sea.  To-day,  Mr.  Reynolds,  the  new  pas- 
senger, to  whom  I  scarcdy  ever  spoke,  surprised  me  by 
sending  me  a  plate  of  fruit,  by  which  I  have  not  only 
been  refreshed,  but  enabled  to  relieve  this  poor  sick 
creature.  Lost  much  time  in  looking  at  the  sea,  which 
presented  a  magnificent  sight,  and  which  I  enjoyed  more, 
from  its  being  the  first  time  of  my  being  in  a  gale  with- 
out sickness ;  through  the  whole  of  the  day  was  wan- 
dering in  prayer,  and  in  my  thoughts  and  conversation. 
Read  Prideaux  and  Milner's  sermons  with  M'K. .  at 
night.  Was  greatly  distressed  at  my  hardness  of  heart, 
and  thought  of  the  expediency  of  adding  ftisting  to  prayer, 
to  enable  me  to  attain  to  escape  from  the  misery  of 
pride,  fiilness  of  bread,  and  abundance  of  idleness,  but 
from  this  the  flesh  shrinks  with  extraordinary  dread. 

20.  Prayed  with  earnestness  for  a  spirit  of  humilia- 
tion, and  after  some  time,  was  blest,  through  divine 
mercy,  with  a  sense  of  my  own  sinfulness  and  ingrati- 
tude. I  felt  it  good  and  suitable  that  one  so  vile  shoidd 
walk  through  the  world  overwhelmed  with  contrition 
and  love,  receiving  with  grateful  contentment  every 
painful  dispensation,  because  not  worthy  to  enjoy  the 


1806]  JOURNAL.  409 

Ught  of  this  world.  I  found  it  useful  to  try  my  heart  in 
its  aspect  towards  sinners,  for  when  I  am  disposed  to  be 
angry  and  bitter  against  them,  I  have  seated  myself  in 
the  Judge's  chair,  instead  of  lying  with  my  face  in  the 
dust,  as  the  basest  of  them  aU.  I  pray  therefore,  that 
God  would  glorify  himself  by  the  gifts  and  graces  of  aU 
his  creatures,  and  put  honour  upon  them,  but  make  me 
take  my  place  at  the  bottom  of  them,  unnoticed,  un- 
known, and  forgotten.  While  this  temper  lasted  it  was 
well  enough  with  me  ;  all  was  serene  and  serious ;  but 
alas !  I  soon  lost  it,  and  became  somebody  again.  In 
the  afternoon,  going  below,  could  get  no  one  of  my 
singers,  so  after  waiting  some  time  in  vain,  I  came 
away.  Wrote  sermon  at  night  with  tolerable  freedom, 
and  read  Prideaux  with  MiK. 

21.  Employed  through  the  day  in  writing  sermon, 
and  learning  Hindoostanee  roots.  Was  led  to  pray  for 
grace  to  live  simply  by  faith,  and  to  maintain  the  life 
of  devotion,  not  by  outward  aids,  but  by  immediate 
union  with  Christ  and  dependence  on  his  grace.  In 
general,  I  find,  that  in  beginning  to  pray,  I  transport 
myself  in  imagination  to  some  solitary  spot,  or  to  some 
scene  which  I  have  found  favourable  to  devotion,  and 
there  fancy  myself  praying.  The  bad  consequence  of 
this  is,  that  when  I  open  my  eyes  and  am  conversant 
with  the  things  aromid  me,  I  am  distressed  and  unable 
to  maintain  such  a  sense  of  God's  presence  ;  imagina- 
tion seems  to  be  a  sort  of  help,  like  music,  not  entirely 
to  be  despised,  because  both  have  quickened  the  languid 
spirit  to  devotion.  Yet  I  feel  that  I  ought  to  learn  to  live 
without  the  help  of  it,  because  in  sickness  and  old  age  it 
may  not  be  in  exercise.  M'K.  and  myself  read  and  prayed 
at  night.  I  was  rejoiced  to  find  so  much  of  a  Christian 
spirit  in  him,  as  he  shewed  in  an  unpleasant  squabble 
that  has  taken  place  in  the  cuddy. 

2  2 .  Conscience  greatly  wounded  by  trifling  and  waste 
of  time  when  I  ought  to  be  in  prayer,  and  by  instantly 
after  falling  into  the  same  sins,  I  had  really  fdt  humbled 
and  grieved.     Oh  the  great  forbearance  of  God.   Found 


410  JOURNAL.  [1806 

much  matter  for  prayer  in  Isaiah  xxvi.  and  xxvii.  Con- 
tinued writing  and  learning  roots.  Had  the  usual  ser- 
vice  below  to-day  and  yesterday,  and  conversed  with 
two  sick  men.  My  soul  is  resdess  without  God.  At 
some  moments  the  glimpses  of  His  glory  elevate  my 
soul  above  the  world,  and  make  me  follow  hard  after 
him  ;  at  other  times  I  am  carnal,  full  of  fears  about  the 
opinions  of  men,  and  dissatisfied  with  my  lot.  Oh  for 
perfect  holiness;  oh  for  heaven,  where  the  disorders 
of  my  soul  shall  be  removed. 

23.  (Sunday.)  In  great  want  of  spirituality  in  all  the 
public  and  private  duties  of  the  day.  On  rising  in  the 
morning,  after  a  sleepless  night,  was  most  severely  tried 
in  my  temper,  by  several  little  cross  accidents.  Preached 
on  John  i.  14.  and  was  mora  comfortable  than  at  any 
other  time  of  the  day.  Walking  the  quarterrdeck,  was 
vexed  with  the  worldly  and  wicked  conversation  of  all 
around  me ;  in  the  irritable  state  of  mind  in  which  I 
was,  I  rather  considered  my  anger  as  corruption  to  be 
striven  against,  than  zeal  to  be  encouraged.  Read  be- 
low in  the  aft^uoon. 

24.  Employed  this  morning  in  Hindoostanee,  and 
the  evening  in  writing ;  the  afternoon  below  decks,  and 
had  much  comfort  and  enjoyment  in  secret  prayer.  Saw 
great  reason  to  strive  against  sensuality  at  my  meals, 
and  at  dinner-time  to-day,  was  enabled  to  mortify  my 
appetites,  and  to  consider  my  body  strictly  as  intended 
to  be,  as  no  instrument  of  my  own  pleasure,  but  to  be 
used  and  refreshed  for  God's  service.  Read  Prideaux 
with  M'K.  at  night. 

25.  A  sleepless  night  again  gave  me  occasion  to 
contend  with  an  extreme  irritiU)ility,  arising  from  nervous 
weakness.  Passed  the  morning  as  usual  in  Hindoos- 
tanee ;  in  my  walk  on  deck  was  tried  very  painfully  by 
peevishness  and  censoriousness.  A  considerable  num- 
ber were  present  in  the  afternoon.  Read  and  prayed 
with  M'K.  at  night. 

26.  How  constantly  and  earnestly  has  God  assured 
his  people  of  the  future  iiigathering  of  the  Gentiles !     I 


1806]  JOURNAL.  411 

have  seen  it  more  and  more  of  late  in  Isaiah,  and  pray 
God  I  may  be  stirred  up  to  pray  fervently  for  the  fulfil, 
ment  of  his  promises.  And  oh  that  I  myself  may  live 
with  God,  and  behold  the  world  and  its  concerns  with 
the  eye  of  a  stranger.  Endeavoured  to  keep  this  text 
before  me  at  dinner-time,  "  Forgetting  the  things  which 
are  behind,  and  reaching  forth  unto  the  things  which 
are  before,  I  press  toward  the  mark  for  the  prize  of  the 
high  calling  of  Grod  in  Christ  Jesus."  Oh  the  high  and 
holy  work  of  a  believer  1  Every  day  is  given  to  me  to 
obtain  new  grace,  to  put  new  graces  into  exercise,  and 
improve  those  that  I  have,  whatever  they  may  be. 
Learnt  Hindoostanee  roots  in  the  morning,  and  wrote 
in  the  evening,  except  when  M*K.  was  with  me.  In 
the  afternoon  the  young  men  came  to  me  for  mathe- 
matics. God  help  me  of  his  mercy  to  walk  more  evenly 
and  holily. 

27.  Rose  once  more  after  a  sleepless  night,  and  had 
in  consequence  a  peevish  temper  to  contend  with.  Had 
a  comfortable  and  fervent  season  of  prayer,  in  the  morn- 
ing, while  interceding  for  the  heathen  from  some  of  the 
chapters  in  Isaiah.  How  striking  did  those  words 
Isaiah  xlii.  8.  appear  to  me,  '*  I  am  the  Lord,  that  is 
my  "liame,  and  my  glory  will  I  not  give  to  another, 
neidier  my  praise  to  graven  images.**  Lord,  is  not  thy 
praise  given  to  graven  images  in  India?  here  then  is 
thine  own  express  word  that  it  shall  not  continue  to  be 
so.  And  how  easy  is  it  for  the  mighty  God  that  cre- 
ated the  heavens  and  stretched  them  out,  that  spread 
forth  the  earth,  and  that  which  cometh  out  of  it;  that 
giveth  breath  unto  the  people  upon  it,  and  spirit  to  them 
that  walk  therein;  to  effect  his  ptuposes  in  a  mo- 
ment. What  is  caste  ?  What  are  inveterate  prejudices, 
and  civil  power,  and  priestly  bigotry,  when  once  the 
Lord  shall  set  to  his  hand  ?  Who  knows  whether  even  the 
present  generation  may  not  see  Satan's  throne  shaken 
to  its  base  in  India  ?  Learning  Hindoostanee  words  in 
the  morning ;  in  the  afternoon  below,  and  much  hurt  at 
the  cold  reception  the  men  gave  me. 


412  JOURNAL.  [1806 

28.  Had  still  much  comfort  and  enlargement  in 
prayer  over  the  chapters  of  Isaiah.  Learnt  Hindoostanee 
words,  which,  however  dry  an  employment  in  itself,  is 
made  so  delightful  to  me  through  the  mercy  of  God, 
that  I  could  with  pleasiure  he  always  at  it.  Continued 
a  good  while  on  deck,  that  fatigue  might  induce  sleep 
at  night.  Below  in  the  afternoon,  and  began  St.  John ; 
no  marks  of  seriousness  in  any  of  the  sick.  From  the 
want  of  the  usual  refreshment  of  coffee  at  night,  which 
is  not  to  be  given  any  more  on  the  voyage,  I  was  led 
into  many  reflections  on  self-denial  in  general.  I  find 
it  a  very  hard  matter  to  live  independently  of  the  flesh, 
and  to  fed  the  same  pleasure  in  God,  and  the  same 
general  contentment,  when  deprived  of  accustomed  in- 
dulgences, as  when  enjoying  them.  Finding  I  was 
looking  forward  with  pleasure  to  the  refreshment  of 
wine  and  water  I  should  receive  at  night  from  the 
cuddy,  I  determined  to  mortify  this  camcdity,  by  send- 
ing it  to  the  sick,  whose  necessities  indeed  made  it  a  duty 
to  do  so.  After  this,  though  a  little  heavy,  and  with- 
out any  sensible  pleasure  in  religion ;  I  felt  a  great 
hardihood  of  soul,  and  superiority  to  all  difficulties. 

March  1.  Chiefly  engaged  in  preparing  for  to-mor- 
row. Found  myself  again  become  inordinately  interested 
about  our  progress,  instead  of  quietly  leaving  it  with 
God.  In  tiie  afternoon,  nothing  could  be  done  below 
but  visiting  the  sick.  Cast  down  at  night  at  the  diffi- 
culties of  a  Christian  life  and  ministry,  but  was  helped 
to  go  forward,  and  found  some  comfort  and  repose 
at  last. 

2.  (Sunday.)  The  ship  running  nine  knots  an  hour, 
and  the  sea  sometimes  flying  over  the  side,  the  Captain 
had  no  service.  M'K.  coming  into  the  cabin,  read  a  few 
of  the  church  prayers,  afterwards  we  read  sacred  Scrip- 
ture and  some  of  the  Homilies.  Afterwards,  in  secret, 
had  a  solemn  season  of  meditation  and  prayer  on 
Philippians  and  1  Cor.  xiii.  Reading  some  of  Leighton 
on  Peter,  I  was  somewhat  dejected  at  the  apparent  im- 
possibility   of  attaining   the  spirituality   and  holiness 


1806]  JOURNAL.  413 

which  he  describes,  or  at  least  at  the  pain  to  the  flesh  with 
which  such  exertions  must  be  attended.  Went  in  to  din- 
ner unwillingly,  yet  determined  to  mortify  all  my  carnal 
appetites.  Found,  on  going  below,  B.  ill  of  a  fever,  and 
all  the  other  singers  eitiber  ill,  or  so  weak  that  they  could 
not  sing.  However,  I  read  some  hymns  and  explained 
a  chapter,  but  found  no  fit  opportunity  for  prayer. 
M'K.  afterwards  by  his  conversation  was  a  great  com- 
fort and  relief  to  me,  I  found  my  affection  much  in- 
creased to  him,  and  had  reason  to  bless  God  for  him, 
especially  now  that  the  image  of  Christ  is  more  visible 
in  him.  We  read  and  prayed  together.  In  prayer  alone 
afterwards,  my  soul  rose  with  joy,  and  tasted  a  more 
pure  and  spiritual  pleasure  than  for  a  long  time  past. 
I  saw  nothing  in  the  world  comparable  to  the  service  of 
God,  no  possession  on  earth  so  sweet  as  his  own  image. 
3.  Had  some  thoughts  of  devoting  this  day  to  fast- 
ing and  prayer,  but  rising  with  a  cold,  and  the  air  ex- 
ceedingly damp,  I  thought  that  fasting  would  expose 
me  to  the  attack  of  fever,  especially  while  going  among 
those  who  have  it.  Continued  however  in  thejspirit  of 
prayer,  and  notwithstanding  the  great  want  of  diligence 
in  all  I  did,  my  soul  seemed  under  a  spiritual  influence, 
so  that  I  found  sweet  delight  in  prayer,  and  the  thought 
of  passing  all  my  time  in  prayer  and  keeping  my  body 
completely  under  for  that  purpose.  Met  with  some  things 
in  Hartley  on  Man,  on  the  subject  of  temperance,  that  I 
found  useful  ;  i  want  nothing  to  do  with  the  world. 
May  I  ever  remain  free  and  disentangled,  pursuing  my 
way  unnoticed  through  the  wilderness,  finding  all  my 
pleasure  in  secret  communion  with  God,  and  in  seeing 
him  glorified.  I  am  as  happy  as  I  can  be  on  earth, 
without  more  grace.  In  the  afternoon,  having  no  ser- 
vice, all  being  ill,  I  talked  very  fully  and  solemnly  to 
one  of  the  corporals,  who  is  rather  serious,  on  the  ne- 
cessity of  a  thorough  self-devotedness  to  Grod  ;  this  was 
by  the  side  of  poor  B.'s  hammock,  who  confiimed  what 
I  said.  Governed  my  temper  a  little  better  with  the 
young  men  at  mathematics. 


414  JOURNAL.  [1806 

4.  My  mind  tolerably  spiritual,  and  finding  pleasore 
in  the  thought  of  spending  all  my  time  in  prayer,  and 
crucifixion  of  the  body,  but  was  obliged  .again  to  defer 
the  setting  apart  a  day  for  prayer,  on  account  of  my 
cold,  which  makes  me  very  stupid.  Employed  chiefly  in 
Hindoostanee.  Still  no  service  in  the  afternoon,  through 
the  illness  of  my  people.  Found  an  opportunity  of 
speaking  to  Corporal  B.  who  has  kept  away  from  us  ever 
since  coming  aboard  from  the  Cape.  Oh  how  various 
and  important  are  the  duties  of  a  minister  I  they  require 
far  more  wisdom  than  I  possess.  This  young  man 
naturally  has  a  bad  temper,  and  the  ill-will  he  has 
brought  upon  himself  by  it  from  all  the  soldiers  has 
unhinged  his  mind,  and  proved  a  temptation  to  forsake 
Grod  and  his  ordinances.  Had  a  happy  season  of  prayer 
with  M'K.  at  night,  but  still  my  slothfulness  and  un* 
fruitfulness  is  an  enemy  to  my  peace. 

5.  (See  Memoir,  p.  117.) 

Oh,  that  I  knew  how  to  be  duly  abased  !  Oh,^  Spirit 
of  God  1  fix  the  eyes  of  thy  wretched  creature  upon  his 
former  sins,  which  thou  hast  brought  to  his  mind,  else 
he  will  instantly  forget  them  and  think  of  something 
else,  and  become  again  self-complacent !  What  shall  I 
think  of  myself  in  comparison  of  others  ?  How  ought  I 
to  kiss  the  very  dust  beneath  their  feet,  from  a  con- 
sciousness of  my  inferiority  1  And  in  my  thoughts  of 
God  and  his  dealings,  how  ought  I  to  be  wrapt  in  con- 
stant astonishment  1  I  was  made  to  recollect  this  morn- 
ing something  of  my  wickedness  in  my  conduct  years 
ago.  Oh  since  I  am  not  now  in  the  burning  flame ; 
what  shall  I  do  ?  how  shall  my  walk  and  conversation 
be  ever  consistent  with  such  miracles  of  mercy  ?  How 
can  I  be  so  barefaced  as  to  stand  up  to  rebuke  sin  ? 
How  can  I  dare  to  be  angry  with  sinners  ?  Teach  thou, 
oh  Grod  1  since  it  is  permitted  the  creature  to  speak  to 
thee.  This  day  was  set  apart  for  fasting  and  prayer; 
the  morning  was  spent  in  the  work  of  humiliation,  and 
through  mercy  there  was  no  great  difficulty.  The  hard 
heart  was  broken,  and  contrite  in  a  oertain  degree.     At 


1806]  JOURNAL.  415 

least  I  had  not  the  distressing  sensation  of  impudent 
}iard-heartedness  which  I  sometimes  feel  at  the  sight  of 
sin.  In  the  afternoon,  began  to  pray  for  the  setting  up  of 
God's  kingdom  in  tiie  world,  especially  in  India,  and 
had  such  a  season  of  prayer  as  I  never  had  before.  My 
whole  soul  wrestled  with  God.  I  knew  not  how  to  leave 
off  urging  with  him  the  fulfilment  of  his  promise,  chiefly 
pleading  His  own  glorious  power.  The  rest  of  the 
evening  I  had  not  much  to  myself,  the  cadets  with  their 
mathematics,  and  M*K.  being  with  me.  Wrote  a  little 
at  intervals.  Notwithstanding  the  view  I  had  of  my 
dreadful  guilt  and  depravity  in  the  morning,  at  night  I 
had  to  groan  again  at  feeling  the  spiritual  pride  founded 
on  the  exercises  of  the  past  day. 

6.  Professedly  engaged  in  writing  and  learning  Hin- 
doostanee  words,  but  failed  in  that  diligence,  for  which 
my  soul  seemed  earnest  in  prayer  last  night  and  this 
morning.  Afternoon  passed  as  usual  in  visiting  the 
sick ;  reading  mathematics  with  the  young  men ;  reading 
to  M*K.  Prideaux ;  and  writing.  Endeavoured  to  exer- 
cise that  indifference  which  I  ought  to  have,  whether 
the  ship  goes  faster  or  slower  towards  India,  since  it  is 
God's  concern.  Oh  for  a  due  humility  for  my  past 
idleness ;  oh  for  a  sense  of  the  infinite  value  of  time ;  oh 
my  soul  1  whatever  thy  hand  findeth  to  do,  do  it  with  all 
thy  might,  for  there  is  no  knowledge  nor  wisdom  nor 
device  in  the  grave  whither  thou  goest ! 

7.  Endeavoured  this  morning  to  consider  Christ  as 
the  High  Priest  of  my  profession.  Never  do  I  set  myself 
to  understand  the  nature  of  my  walk  in  Christ,  without 
getting  good  to  my  soul.  Employed  as  usual  through 
Uie  day.  Heard  firom  M'K.  that  they  are  not  yet  tired 
with  inveighing  against  my  doctrines.  They  took  occa- 
sion also  to  say  from  my  salary,  that  '  Martyn  as  well  as 
the  rest  can  share  the  plunder  of  the  natives  of  India ; 
whether  it  is  just  or  not. he  does  not  care.'  This  brought 
back  the  doubts  I  formerly  had  about  the  lawfulness  of 
receiving  any  thing  from  the  company.  My  mind  is  not 
yet  comfortable  about  it.  I  see  it  however  my  duty  to  wait 


416  JOURNAL.  [1806 

in&ith  and  patience,  till  the  Lord  shall  satisfy  my  doubts 
one  way  or  other.  I  would  wish  for  no  species  of  connec* 
tion  with  the  East  India  Company,  and  notwithstanding 
the  large  sums  I  have  borrowed  on  tiie  credit  of  my  salary, 
which  I  shall  never  be  able  to  repay  from  any  other 
nieans,  I  would  wish  to  become  a  missionary,  dependent 
on  a  society ;  but  I  know  not  how  to  decide.  The  Lord 
in  mercy  keep  my  soul  in  peace.  Other  thoughts  have 
occurred  to  me  since.  A  man  who  has  unjustly  got  pos- 
session of  an  estate,  hires  me  as  a  minister  to  preach  to 
his  servants,  and  pays  me  a  salary :  the  money  wherewith 
he  pays  me  comes  unjustly  to  him,  but  justly  to  me. 
The  Company  are  the  acknowledged  proprietors  of  the 
country,  the  ruling  powers.  If  I  were  to  refuse  to  go 
there,  I  might  on  the  same  account,  refuse  to  go 
to  France  and  preach  to  the  French  people  or  body 
guard  of  the  emperor,  because  the  present  monarch  who 
pays  me  is  not  the  lawful  one.  If  there  were  a  com- 
pany of  Mahomedan  merchants  or  Mahomedan  princes 
in  possession  of  the  country,  should  I  hesitate  to 
accept  an  offer  of  officiating  as  chaplain  among  them, 
and  recdving  a  salary  ? 

8.  Rose  very  early  and  found  great  assistance  in  my 
studies,  my  mind  at  ease  by  the  foregoing  considerations  ; 
but  the  anxiety  produced  by  the  question  produced  in- 
disposition which  made  my  body  very  irritable.  Nothing 
will  be  so  good  for  my  health  in  India  as  a  strong  faith 
and  close  walk  with  God,  keeping  my  mind  in  perfect 
peace.  The  influence  my  mind  has  upon  the  body  is  asto- 
nishing.    Chiefly  employed  in  preparing  for  to-morrow. 

9.  (Sunday.)  Oh  blessed  Lord  I  what  are  friends, 
or  home,  or  society !  Thou  art  more  than  all  of  them  to 
me.  What  friend  on  earth  careth  for  my  soul,  or  can 
do  it  any  good  ?  Who  ever  loved  it  as  thou  hast  loved 
it  ?  Were  I  in  the  midst  of  them,  I  could  seldom  see 
them,  but  thou  art  always  near.  Even  a  father  is  but 
the  author  of  my  bodily  existence,  whereas  my  God  is 
the  Creator  of  my  body,  the  Creator  of  my  soul,  the 
Redeemer,  and  Sanctifier  of  it;  I  feel  that  all  earthly 


1806]  JOURNAL.  417 

connections  are  unimportant ;  I  am  bom  for  God  only. 
(See  Memoir,  page  160.)  Rose  in  the  morning  with 
peacefiilness  and  in  prayer ;  was  helped  to  rest  by  faith 
on  the  promises  of  God,  and  to  be  more  serious  about 
the  eflFects  of  the  word  on  the  souls  of  the  poor  people, 
than  anxious  about  their  opinions  of  it.  Preached  from 
John  i.  29.  All  very  attentive  as  usual,  but  no  impres- 
sion seemingly.  Read  Jeremiah  afterwards  in  my  cabin, 
and  was  recovering  from  the  ruffled  state  of  mind  I  am 
generally  in  after  preaching,  when  M'K.  by  irrelevant 
conversation,  and  bringing  full  food  to  my  pride,  dis- 
turbed my  peace  ;  but  at  last  it  was  restored,  while  pray- 
ing for  grace  to  live  spiritually,  above  all  carnal  delights, 
which  alas,  I  find  it  very  hard  to  do  ;  most  of  the  pray- 
ers I  offer  up  on  this  subject  seeming  to  pass  away  like 
the  wind.  Read,  prayed  and  simg  below  in  the  after- 
noon to  a  tolerable  number.  In  prayer  afterwards  in 
private,  had  a  most  precious  view  of  Christ,  as  a  friend 
that  sticketh  closer  than  a  brother.  Oh  how  sweet  was  it 
to  pray  to  Him.  I  hardly  knew  how  to  contemplate  Him 
with  praise  enough ;  his  adorable  excellences  more  and 
more  seemed  to  open  the  longer  I  spoke  to  him.  Who 
shall  shew  forth  all  His  praise?  I  can  conceive  it  to  be 
a  theme  long  enough  for  eternity.  The  wonder  is  how 
I  have  not  heretofore  been  swallowed  up  with  admira- 
tion of  Jesus  Christ,  and  that  I  should  be  tempted 
hereafter  to  forget  to  praise  and  love  him.  Oh  that  those 
happy*  seasons  were  continued,  that  the  Spirit  of  truth 
would  keep  these  things  of  Christ  in  the  imaginations  of 
the  thoughts  of  my  heart.  I  want  no  other  happiness, 
no  other  sort  of  heaven.  I  sat  down  under  his  shadow 
with  great  delight,  and  his  fruit  was  sweet  to  my  taste. 
At  night  prayed  with  M'K. 

10.  Rose  after  a  sleepless  night,  unfit  for  any  great 
exertion  of  mind,  and  so  passed  the  morning  in  making 
entries  into  my  common  place-book.  My  peace  was 
much  wounded  by  carelessness  and  backwardness  in 
prayer  and  reading.  What  a  miserable  creature !  no 
manifestations    of   Divine    favour,    no    painful    trials 

2  E 


418  JOURNAL.  [1806 

have  yet  taught  me  to  beware  of  offending  the  great  and 
blessed  God,  by  walking  unevenly  before  him.  Oh 
that  I  may  fear  this  great  and  holy  Lord  God!  In 
prayer  about  the  middle  of  the  day  over  one  of  the  chap- 
ters of  Isaiah,  was  greatly  restored  in  the  spirit  of  my 
mind,  and  found  much  satisfaction  at  having  gained 
some  superiority  over  my  carnal  appetite,  by  being  able 
to  look  upon  the  day  as  given  me  to  spend  in  study  and 
labours  for  God,  and  meat  and  drmk  as  occasional 
refreshments,  about  which  I  ought  not  to  think  one 
minute.  One  of  the  sick  gave  me  some  hopes*  of  him 
this  afternoon.  Beasant  scarcely  out  of  danger.  In 
the  evening  afterwards  felt  the  most  ardent  desire  to  be 
employing  myself  in  the  language,  that  I  might  as  soon 
as  possible  be  able  to  preach  the  gospel ;  and  prayed  with 
much  confidence  for  the  presence  of  the  Lord,  and  his 
assistance  even  in  this  study. 

11.  Having  had  something  said  to  me,  though  very 
groundlessly,  as  if  I  loved  sleep,  I  determined  to  follow 
the  captain's  advice  and  go  to  bed  at  nine,  and  rise  at 
four,  instead  of  sitting  up  so  late  as  I  generally  do. 
Had  much  enjoyment  of  Divine  things  through  the  day. 
Employed  in  Hindoostanee  and  sermon,  though  in  con- 
sequence of  want  of  'sleep  the  preceding  night  I 
was  very  languid  and  dull.  Prayed  with  M^K,  at 
night. 

12.  After  another  very  disturbed  night,  rose  with 
the  larboard  watch  at  four,  but  could  do  little ;  my  stomach 
was  deranged,  and  my  eyes  heavy  with  sleep.  Thought 
and  wrote  a  little  on  a  subject ;  felt  very  much  with- 
drawn from  this  present  world  while  in  prayer,  but  my 
trifling  way  of  passing  my  time  was  very  distressing  to 
me.  Had  a  service  below,  and  staid  to  converse  with 
Serjeants  G.  and  C.  and  the  sick ;  M'K.  sat  with  me  the 
whole  of  the  evening.  I  read  Leigh  ton.  It  blows  a 
gale  again,  and  my  own  frame  much  deranged ;  death 
was  brought  near  to  view,  and  the  precious  remarks  of 
that  holy  man  were  the  means  of  rich  and  abundant 
comfort  to  me.     Truly  I  can  say — "  I  am  in  a  strait 


1806]  JOURNAL.  419 

betwixt  two,   having  a  desire  to  depart  and  be  with 
Christ,  which  is  far  better." 

13.  The  gale  continuing  all  night,  I  got  little  or 
no  sleep;  rose  at  the  same  time  as  yesterday  and 
walked  about  before  day  ;  could  do  scarcely  anything  the 
whole  day  from  sleepiness  and  fatigue ;  my  frame  of 
mind  was  very  poor  and  idle ;  in  prayer  seemed  to  speak 
nothing  but  unmeaning  words  :  with  shame  for  my  list- 
kssness  and  unprofitableness,  the  day  closed. 

14.  *  Suavissima  vita  est  indies  sentire  se  fieri  me- 
liorem.'  So  I  can  say  from  former  experience  more 
than  from  present.  But  oh,  it  is  the  ardent  desire  of 
my  soul  to  regard  all  earthly  things  with  indifference, 
as  one  who  dwells  above  with  God.  May  I  grow  in 
grace ;  may  the  grace  of  God  which  bringeth  solvation 
teach  me  to  become  daily  more  spiritual,  more  humble, 
more  stedfast  in  Christ,  more  meek,  more  wise,  and  in 
all  things  to  live  soberly,  righteously  and  godly  in  this 
present  world.  How  snail  I  attain  to  greater  heavenly- 
mindedness  ?  Rose  refreshed  after  a  good  night's  sleep, 
and  wrote  on  a  subject ;  liad  much  conversation  with 
Mr.  B.  upon  deck ;  he  seemed  much  surprised  when  I 
corrected  his  notions  on  religion,  but  received  what  I 
said  with  great  candour.  He  said  there  was  a  minister 
at  Madras,  a  Dane,  with  whom  Sir  D.  Baird  was  well 
acquainted,  who  used  to  speak  in  the  same  manner  of 
religion,  whose  name  was  Swartz.  My  attention  was 
instantly  roused  at  the  venerable  name,  and  I  eagerly  in- 
quired of  him  all  the  particulaii^  with  which  he  was  ac- 
quainted. He  had  often  heard  him  preach,  and  Mr. 
Jeenicke  had  often  breakfasted  with  him ;  Swartz  he  said 
had  a  very  commanding  manner,  and  used  to  preach 
extempore  in  English  at  Madras  ;  he  died  very  poor.  In 
the  afternoon  had  a  service  bek>w ;  much  of  the  evening 
M'K«  passed  with  me,  and  prayed. 

15.  Unwell  all  day  with  sickness,  sleekness,  and 
headache,  and  passed  much  of  the  time  upon  deck  sit- 
ting at  the  gangway  looking  at  the  sea.  I  enjoyed  in 
general   peaceful   thoughts,    tender  recollections,    and 

2  E  2 


420  JOURNAL.  [1806 

happy  prospects.  Preparing  myself  in  the  evening  for 
my  subject  for  to-morrow. 

16.  (Sunday.)  In  the  morning  with  many  waver- 
ings ;  I  was  at  last  assisted  to  be  somewhat  spiritual  and 
elevated  above  the  world  to  God.  Preached  on 
Job  xxii.  21. ;  there  was  less  attention  than  I  ever  saw, 
except  once ;  only  one  officer  present,  and  many  of  the 
soldiers  standing  at  a  distance  instead  of  sitting  down  in 
order.  In  the  afternoon  was  much  assisted  below  in 
speaking  from  beginning  of  John  v. ;  prayed  and  sang 
with  them.  Found  poor  Beasant  rather  delirious.  M*K. 
and  myself  read  and  prayed  together  at  night.  Con- 
tinued all  the  latter  part  of  the  day  with  affections  and 
thoughts  sweetly  fixed  on  heaven.  I  seem  to  feel  that 
I  have  nothing  to  do  but  to  fulfil,  like  a  hireling,  my 
day,  and  then  to  die  and  be  at  rest  with  Jesus.  Oh, 
what  are  friends,  what  are  the  enjoyments  of  this  world  I 
how  vain,  how  transitory  1 

17*  The  morning  employed  in  writing,  but  no  dili- 
gence ;  in  prayer  cold ;  was  roused  to  a  sense  of  shame 
and  sorrow  for  my  indolence,  towards  evening ;  and 
began  to  work  with  some  fervour  and  earnestness,  as 
in  the  presence  of  God,  but  I  was  \mhappily  interrupted, 
and  not  able  to  resume  my  work  the  rest  of  the  evening. 
Read  Prideaux  and  Milner  to  M'K.,  but  my  spirit  was 
much  injured  by  our  light  and  worldly  conversation. 
Oh  that  I  may  have  grace  to  return  from  my  evil  ways. 

18.  Was  tried  with  evil  temper  very  early  in  the 
morning.  When  meeting  the  Major  on  the  poop,  we 
had  a  conversation  about  the  missions  at  the  Cape.  I 
was  grieved  at  his  apparent  hatred  of  them,  and  his  dis- 
relish of  religion.  In  great  shame  for  my  past  indolence, 
I  cried  to  God,  and  in  determined  resolution  began  my 
work  of  writing,  and  with  a  sort  of  indignation  against 
myself,  continued  pretty  stedfast,  and  was  made  to  profit. 
Had  service  below  deck  in  the  afternoon.  Beasant,  I 
fear,  still  delirious.  The  young  men,  whom  I  have 
accounted  serious,  seldom  present.  I  continued  in  the 
same  spirit  of  determined  diligence,  and  thought  with 


1806]  JOURNAL.  421 

pleasure  of  a  life,  perfectly  independent  of  earthly 
comforts,  spent  in  the  service  of  Christ.  Prayed  with 
M'K.  at  night ;  but  the  long  conversation  about  the 
things  of  this  world  afterwards  injured  my  peace 
again. 

1 9.  Still  pressing  myself  to  more  diligence,  but  again 
loitering  ;  did  less  tibis  morning  than  yesterday.  Poor 
B.  quite  delirious;  let  me  not  forget  to  pray  for  him, 
now  that  he  cannot  pray  for  himself.  The  Major  gave 
some  better  hopes ;  said  he  was  quite  dissatisfied  with 
himself,  but  could  not  attain  that  state  of  perfection  re- 
quired. Confessed  that  happiness  was  only  to  be  found 
in  the  hopes  of  the  next  world,  for  there  was  nothing 
worth  living  for  in  this.  I  was  also  much  pleased  at 
hearing  and  observing  some  things  of  M'K.  which  tes- 
tified his  growth  in  grace.  M'K.  came  again  at  night, 
and  notwithstanding  my  previous  care,  my  soul  was 
injured  by  trifling.  We  read  Prideaux  and  MUner.  How 
shall  I  at  the  close  of  my  life  and  ministry  be  able  to 
appeal  to  God  and  men,  how  holily,  justly,  and  un- 
blameably  I  have  behaved  myself. 

20.  FeU  in  with  the  trade  wind,  which  now  carries 
us  rapidly  towards  India.  What  tenfold  need  of  dili- 
gence have  I  now,  to  make  amends  for  so  much  lost 
time  1  Was  rather  more  stedfast  than  yesterday,  but 
still  very  unfruitful.  FeU  again  into  that  keen  anxiety 
about  the  wind  and  weadier  and  the  way  we  were 
making.  Alas,  why  cannot  I  have  these  things  with 
God  ?  Had  a  happy  and  enlivening  season  in  prayer 
in  the  middle  of  the  day  for  the  spread  of  the  gospel  in 
the  distant  islands,  about  which  I  had  been  reading. 
I  felt  a  sort  of  regret  that  I  could  not  live  to  see  the 
happy  day ;  yet  I  think  the  inhabitants  of  heaven  must 
take  pleasure  in  seeing  the  same  things ;  at  least  I  can 
scarce  picture  to  myself  a  greater  enjoyment  in  heaven, 
than  seeing  God  glorified  by  the  general  conversion  of 
the  heathen  to  the  Lord  Jesus  Christ.  Read  and  sung 
below.  Beasant  still  delirious.  In  the  evening  with 
M'K.  was  more  on  my  guard  against  trifling  conversa- 


422  JOURNAL.  [1806 

tion,  and  enjoyed  in  consequence  a  sweet   and  happy 
spiritnality  of  mind. 

2 1 .  Wounded  my  conscience  grievously  by  careless 
walking,  and  following  my  own  himiour  by  reading 
other  things,  when  the  Spirit  of  God  was  calling  me  to 
prayer ;  in  great  misery  at  night  I  cast  myself  at  the 
foot  of  the  cross,  having  been  unable  to  approach  God 
in  my  prayers  to  any  purpose  before  ;  and  then  through 
infinite  mercy  and  love,  found  some  tender  contrition. 
Finished  writing  on  one  subject,  and  began  to  think  of 
another.  Found  that  B. had  recovered  his  senses.  Learnt 
Hindoostanee  roots  at  night.  Read  scripture  with  M^K. 

22.  Still  pained  with  a  sense  of  guilt,  but  found 
some  sorrow  and  contrition  in  prayer ;  and,  while  this 
lasted,  was  of  course  more  careful  and  spiritual  in  my 
frame  and  conversation.  Prepared  for  to-mofrow% 
Groing  below,  found  the  singers  all  ill  again.  Crossed 
Ihe  TVopic  of  Capricorn. 

23.  (Sunday.)  Preached  on  Ezek.  xxxiii.  IL  The 
wind  was  very  high,  almost  a  gale,  so  that  we  were 
going  eight  knots  an  hour,  and  being  on  our  beam,  the 
sea  beat  upon  the  broad-side,  with  such  noise  and  vio- 
lence, that  the  men  could  not  attend  well ;  I  found  it 
easy  enough  to  stand,  by  resting  my  back  against  th^ 
weather  binnacle,  and  I  felt  disposed  to  go  on  with 
liberty  and  affection  ;  but  was  obliged  to  cut  my  sermon 
short,  by  which  means  I  left  out  the  most  prominent  and 
useful  parts.  In  the  afternoon,  the  tarpaulins  being  over  the 
hatches,  we  could  have  no  service  below ;  in  Ae  evening, 
enjoyed  a  delightftd,  and  sanctifying  season  in  prayer. 
Read  and  prayed  with  M*K.  at  night,  and  continued  to 
enjoy  much  tranquillity  of  mind  the  rest  of  the  evening. 

24.  The  trade  increased  to  a  gale ;  and,  the  Commo- 
dore making  it  almost  a  foul  wind  by  the  course  he 
steers,  the  ship  was  very  uneasy.  After  a  few  hours 
passed  without  sleep,  I  rose  at  day-light,  and  sat  on  the 
poop.  Presently  a  dark  and  violent  squall  coming  on, 
the  Commodore  fired  two  guns,  the  occasion  of  which 
we  discovered  as  soon  as  it  cleared,  by  finding  a  trans- 


1806]  JOURNAL.  423 

port  near  us  had  carried  away  her  main  and  mizen-masts. 
The  heat,  which  is  82,  I  found  very  relaxing,  and  be- 
gan to  be  discouraged  at  the  prospect  of  being  unable 
to  support  the  heat  of  India ;  but  after  some  time  I 
recollected  that  this  was  no  concern  of  mine ;  thus  I 
was  peaceful  again,  by  casting  all  my  care  upon  God. 
Now  this  is  a  very  precious  privilege  ;  all  that  dass  of 
evils,  which  consist  in  expected  suffering,  I  have  learned 
through  grace,  by  the  gospel,  to  dismiss  from  my  mind. 
Was  somewhat  assisted  this  morning  in  meditating  on 
a  divine  subject.  Reading  the  account  of  Mr.  B.'s 
death,  I  rose  affected  with  awful  apprehensions,  lest  on 
my  death-bed  I  too  should  have  occasion  to  say,  *  I 
have  too  much  neglected  prayer.'  Alas  1  what  signifies 
the  number  of  times  I  bow  my  knees,  unless  I  get  good 
to  my  soul ;  and  what  will  it  profit  me  to  have  given 
my  body  to  be  burned,  and  my  goods  to  feed  die  poor, 
if  I  have  not  personal  holiness  ! 

25.  Learned  Hindoostanee  roots  in  the  morning. 
In  the  evening,  S-— paid  me  a  visit,  for  the  first  time ; 
he  came,  he  said,  to  know  my  opinion  of  him ;  he  was 
rather  intoxicated.  After  some  conversation,  as  con- 
sistent  as  I  could  make  it,  I  charged  him  with  his  most 
notorious  sins  ;  I  said  but  little;  it  seemed  however  to  cut 
him  to  the  heart,  for  he  changed  countenance  and  said. 
Now  you  are  too  hard  upon  me,  and  went  away.  M*K. 
and  myself  read  and  prayed  at  night. 

26.  Passed  much  time  before  breakfast  in  sitting 
on  the  poop,  through  utter  disinclination  to  all  exertion. 
Such  is  the  enervating  effect  of  the  climate  ;  but  after 
staying  some  hours  learning  Hindoostanee  words, 
2  Timothy  ii.  roused  me  to  a  bodily  exertion.  I  felt 
strong  in  spirit,  resolving,  if  I  died  under  it,  to  make 
the  body  submit  to  robust  exercise ;  so  I  walked  the  deck 
with  great  rapidity  for  an  hour  and  a  half.  My  animal 
spirits  were  altered  instantly ;  I  felt  a  happy  and  joyful 
desire  to  brave  the  enervating  effects  of  India  in  the 
service  of  the  blessed  Lord  Jesus.  B.  still  delirious  and 
dying  fast ;  the  first  thing  he  said  to  me  when  I  visited 


424  JOURNAL.  [1806 

him  this  afternoon,  was,  *  Mr.  Martyn,  what  will  you 
choose  for  a  kingdom  ? '  I  made  no  answer  to  this, 
but  thought  of  it  a  good  deal  afterwards.  What  would 
I  choose  ?  Why  I  do  not  know  that  any  thing  would 
be  a  heaven  to  me,  but  the  service  of  Christ,  and  the 
enjoyment  of  his  presence.  B.  would  say  nothing  but 
a  few  sentences  about  religion.  ^  I  want  to  go  to 
heaven/  *  I  want  Christ,'  *  fountain  of  wisdom,'  &c. 
As  there  were  two  soldiers  standing  by  his  hammock,  I 
asked  him,  whether  he  would  not  advise  them  to  seek 
Christ  in  their  health ;  he  ^ftid,  *  they  should.*  Was 
comforted  with  observing  in  M*K,  at  night  a  growth  in 
grace.  I  think  my  regard  for  him  increases  daily.  We 
read  Blair's  Lectures,  some  scripture,  and  hymns  to- 
gether, and  had  much  spiritual  conversation  about  the 
temptations  we  are  liable  to,  and  our  weakness  against 
them,  and  the  strength  which  is  to  be  found  in  Christ. 
My  own  soul  afterwards  was  much  oppressed  with  guilt, 
and  shame,  at  the  carnality  of  my  life  and  thoughts, 
and  especially  at  recollecting  my  neglect  of  ministerial 
duty.  Oh !  when  shall  my  soul  be  kept  above  the 
world  ?  I  feel  myself  more  radically  corrupted  every 
day.  I  cannot,  I  really  have  no  power  to  keep  before 
my  mind,  one  single  minute,  any  of  those  thoughts 
which  reason  and  ejection  ever  make  dear  to  me. 

27.  The  trade  wind  proving  most  unusually  to  be 
foul,  blowing  from  the  N.  E.  instead  of  S.  E.  we  were 
obliged  to  go  upon  a  losing  tack  to-day,  and  made  very 
little  way.  I  seemed  to  partake  of  the  general  impa- 
tience, and  felt  fretful  at  the  prospect  of  such  a  long 
protracted  voyage.  When  I  meet  the  rest  at  meals, 
they  weary  me  much  more  than  they  need  to  do,  by 
their  frivolous  conversation.  Idly  employed  this  morn- 
ing in  writing  on  a  subject.  Found  B.  better.  Sat  a 
considerable  time  with  the  Lascars  on  the  orlop,  and 
conversed  with  them  a  little.  They  understood  all  my 
questions,  but  by  their  volubility  elude  my  endeavours 
to  understand  them.  However,  I  think  I  am  improving 
in  this.     One  of  the  new  ones  we  took  in  at  the  Cape, 


1806]  JOURNAL.  425 

a  man  of  a  perfectly'  oriental  appearance,  and  very 
grave,  spoke  to  me  with  uncommon  energy  upon  re- 
ligion ;  the  drift  of  all  he  said  was  to  shew,  that  notwith- 
standing the  difference  of  religions,  it  all  came  to  the 
same  thing  at  last.  In  prayer  before  M'K.  came,  I 
hoped  I  should  be  able  to  have  my  soul  whoUy  in 
heaven,  and  the  blessed  example  of  Jesus  before  my 
eyes,  but  it  was  not  so.  In  reading  some  hymns  with 
him  afterwards,  my  heart  was  filled  with  much  joy 
and  love. 

28.  The  days  pass  away  in  great  uniformity.  Em- 
ployed in'  writing,  but  made  no  great  advances ;  felt  a 
great  degree  of  weariness  at  the  length  of  the  voyage. 
We  are  now  lying  becalmed  in  the  centre  of  the  Indian 
ocean,  but  let  not  a  discontented  thought  be  found  in 
my  heart.  I  was  much  tried  by  evil  temper  with  one  of 
the  young  men  in  Mathematics.  In  prayer  after  this,  I 
could  do  nothing,  but  cast  myself  simply  upon  the  mercy 
and  power  of  God,  and  cry  for  ddiverance,  which  I 
obtained,  and  found  my  heart,  through  the  great  riches 
of  his  grace,  tender  and  affectionate,  particularly  tow- 
ards those  to  whom  I  had  spoken  with  asperity.  M'K. 
prayed  with  me  at  night. 

29.  Employed  all  day  long  in  preparing  for  to- 
morrow. All  the  dread  of  preaching  with  which  I  used 
to  be  tried,  seemed  to  return.  The  afternoon  spent  as 
usual  in  visiting  the  sick,  and  sitting  on  the  poop  in 
pensive  meditation.  Alas,  how  little  is  there  worth 
tarrying  here  for,  but  the  labouring  for  precious  souls, 
and  oh  that  I  may  have  a  heart  to  do  that  1  Began  to 
grow  more  lively  and  active  in  my  spirit  towards  highL 
Captain  O and  F ,  who  have  had  some  un- 
pleasant disagreements  about  the  soldiers,  both  told  me 
their  story.  I  endeavoured  to  explain  to  each  as  much 
as  I  could  the  intentions  of  the  other,  and  from  what  I 
observed  'afterwards,  I  think  my  endeavours  were  not 
in  vain. 

30.  By  rising  too  early,  was  rather  dull  and  trou- 
bled with  head-ache  most  of  the  day.     Before  service 


426  JOURNAL.  [1806 

was  stiU  harassed  by  vain  fears  about  preaching.  As 
pride  was  at  the  bottom  of  this,  I  found  it  best  to  con- 
sider before  God  in  prayer,  how  worthless  I  am ;  why 
should  I  expect  to  go  without  contempt?  Suppose 
God  forsook  me,  and  men  in  consequence  scorned  and 
trampled  upon  me,  Who  am  I  that  I  should  dare  to 
complain?  O  Lord,  it  becometh  not  me  to  be  any- 
where but  lying  in  the  dust.  Preached  on  Isaiah  Iv. 
1 — 3,  and  was  assisted  as  usual,  so  as  to  obtain  atten* 
tion  ;  afterwards  read  with  M'K.  some  of  the  homilies^ 
In  the  afternoon  expounded,  sung,  and  prayed  below. 

A  soldier  of  the  name  of  B this  morning,  threw 

himself  overboard,  as  it  is  supposed.  M'K  and  myself 
read  and  prayed  together  at  night,  and  had  much  agree- 
able conversation  about  Christ,  particularly  his  life  upon 
earth,  and  about  the  enjoyments  of  heaven.  S 
again  came  and  made  several  objections  to  the  Scrip- 
tures, such  as  might  strike  a  medical  man.  The  poor 
man  does  not  know  how  to  praise  me  sufficiently  now 
to  the  others,  because,  I  suppose,  I  reason  mildly  with 
him  about  the  evil  of  his  ways,  while  the  others  take 
liberties  with  him,  or  ridicule  him. 

31.  The  whole  morning  taken  up  in  opening  my 
boxes  of  books,  and  clearing  them  from  insects,  which 
had  much  damaged  them ;  some  of  the  insects  were  of 
great  size.  The  rest  of  the  day  till  night,  spent  exactly 
as  usual,  going  below  to  see  the  sick,  and  sitting  upon 
the  poop  for  air.  Found  the  presence  of  God  in  prayer 
afterwards,  and  had  dear  views  of  my  duty  as  a  minis- 
ter and  missionary,  and  pleaded  fervently  for  grace  to 
be  holy.  Read  '  Sheridan  on  Elocution  *  with  M*K. 
Afterwards  hearing  that  Hough,  one  of  the  men,  was 
dying,  I  went  below,  but  he  was  speechless.  I  was 
immediately  struck  with  apprehensions  that  I  had  neg- 
lected his  soul.  Oh,  the  agonizing  misery  of  being 
stained  with  the  blood  of  souls ! 

April  1.  The  sense  of  my  guilt  was  still  almost 
overwhelming,  but  in  prayer  God  spoke  peace  in  a 
degree  to  my  soul.     The  man  died  in  the  night.     The 


1806]  JOURNAL.  427 

last  time  I  spoke  to  him,  which  was  the  last  time  I 
believe  that  I  saw  him  in  his  senses,  he  seemed  some- 
what affected,  and  began  to  say  how  happy  it  would  be 
to  get  to  heaven  ;  and  after  I  had  been  telling  him  of 
his  sins,  he  observed  that  his  heart  was  all  in  a  tremble. 
I  did  not  consider  him  in  any  danger,  and  therefore 
thought  I  should  have  had  many  other  opportunities  of 
speaking  to  him.  He  heard  the  gospel  from  me, 
but  God  knows  whether  he  understood  it  to  the  saving 
of  his  soul.  I  have  no  doubt  but  that  he  died  for  want 
of  proper  nourishment ;  all  I  can  get  from  breakfast 
and  at  night  I  thought  it  right  to  give  to  Beasant,  who 
is  still  on  the  borders  of  the  grave  from  the  same  cause ; 
want  of  proper  meat  after  the  weakening  effects  of  his 
disease.  After  dinner  his  body  was  committed  to  the  deep; 
every  person  in  the  ship  attended,  I  think,  crowding  round 
in  the  boom  and  rigging.  Among  the  sick,  whom  I  went 
to  afterwards,  I  found  but  one  sensible,  to  whom  I  spoke 
about  his  soul,  with  a  determination  that  no  blood  should 
lie  at  my  door  if  I  could  help  it.  Employments  as 
usual,  writing  sermon  and  learning  Hindoostanee.  In 
prayer  with  M'K.  at  night,  was  assisted  in  my  endea- 
vours after  humiliation.  Afterwards  S— —  came  and 
told  me  more  of  his  mind,  said  I  was  a  dangerous  man 
in  the  ship,  and  wished  to  head  a  party,  by  assembling 
the  soldiers  in  the  orlop  contrary  to  the  wishes  of 
Captain  O.  In  walking  the  quarter-deck  to-day  I  had 
a  dispute  with  M.,  whose  unreasonable  way  of  talking 
was  very  irritating  ;  and  afterwards  with  the  Major.  I 
am  very  weary  with  the  opposition  of  men  of  perverse 
minds,  but  I  know  that  God  will  arise  and  plead  his  own 
cause. 

2.  Word  was  brought  to  me  this  morning  that  Bea- 
sant had  just  died.  He  was  crawling  upon  his  hands 
and  knees  to  his  breakfast,  when  he  was  taken  worse, 
and  died  as  they  were  lifting  him  into  his  hammock. 
Thus  is  my  brother  gone.  He  with  whom  I  had  con- 
versed on  divine  things,  and  sung  and  prayed,  is  en- 
tered into  that  glory  of  which  we  used  to  discourse.   To 


428  JOURNAL*  [1806 

his  multiplied  sorrows  upon  earth  he  has  bid  an  ever- 
lasting adieu  ;  and  why  should  I  care  any  thing  at  all 
about  this  world  ?  This  is  not  our  rest ;  God  takes  his 
children  one  after  another,  and  brings  them  home.  May 
I  follow  his  faith  and  patience,  till  with  him  I  inherit 
the  promises.  In  the  afternoon  he  was  committed 
to  the  deep.  As  Captain  F.  whom  I  had  observed 
dejected,  told  me  the  cause  of  his  uneasiness,  was  a  fear 
lest  our  provisions  would  not  hold  out,  I  thought  it  a 
call  to  make  it  a  subject  of  stated  prayer,  that  Grod  would 
not  deliver  us  to  the  pains  of  famine.  Employed  in  writ- 
ing, learning  roots,  reading  Prideaux,  and  finished  Sher- 
idan's Elocution  with  M^K.  at  night.  The  passengers 
are  full  of  murmurs,  that  the  tea  and  wine  are  all  out, 
but  I  endeavour  to  hold  aloof. 

3.  As  the  convalescent  men  get  worse  for  want  of 
fresh  meat,  I  thought  it  right  to  be  very  urgent  with  the 
Captain,  to  allow  me  to  send  away  my  dinner  to  them, 
and  to  eat  salt  junk  instead,  and  several  of  the  passen- 
gers agreed  to  take  it  by  turns  to  do  the  same,  but  the 
Captain,  instead  of  allowing  this,  said  he  would  send 
them  a  plate  of  meat  himself,  whenever  there  was 
enough.  To-day  there  was  not  half  enough,  and  I  ate 
salt  junk  myself,  which  produced  such  an  unquenchable 
thirst  all  the  rest  of  the  evening,  that  I  knew  not  what 
to  do  with  myself.  How  do  the  poor  men  bear  it  every 
day?  My  studies  the  same  as  usual.  M'K.  and  myself 
had  an  agreeable  conversation  at  night  about  the  enjoy- 
ments of  heaven. 

4.  (Good  Friday.)  Passed  this  day  in  prayer  and 
fasting.     (See  Mem.  p.  172.) 

5.  Through  weakness  of  body  could  do  little.  Be- 
fore breakfast  wrote  on  the  same  subject,  but  all  the  rest 
of  the  day  was  preparing  for  to-morrow.  Among  the 
sick  this  afternoon  found  one  who  had  taken  to  his 
hammock  before,  whom  I  endeavoured  to  awake,  but  in 
vain.  Soon  after  going  upon  deck,  I  heard  that  he  was 
dead.  Mr.  R.  from  the  William,  Transport,  came 
on  board,  and  gave  us  hope  of  a  speedy  arrival. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  429 

6.  (Easter  Sunday.)  From  the  misery  I  bring 
myself  into  through  pride,  I  was  induced  to  cry  to  God 
for  heavenly-mindedness,  and  especially  for  humility, 
through  which  only  I  can  ever  enjoy  peace.  Buried  the 
poor  man  this  morning,  and  felt  more  impressed  than  at 
any  funeral  since  I  have  been  aboard.  Preached  on  Isaiah 
Ixiii.  1.  No  particular  attention,  but  more  of  the  offi- 
cers were  present.  I  took  occasion  to  speak  to  Corporal 
B.  Passed  the  rest  of  the  evening  in  reading  Daniel 
and  the  Homilies,  and  in  prayer,  though  I  could  find 
no  freedom  or  comfort  in  it.  In  the  afternoon  collected 
the  singers,  read  John  xiv.  with  such  inward  tenderness 
of  soul,  that  I  could  scarcely  refrain  from  tears.  The 
small  number  present,  the  departure  of  my  dear  brother 
B.  and  the  absence  of  the  two  soldiers,  from  whom  I 
expected  better  things,  filled  me  with  grief;  so  that  I 
was  pressed  in  spirit  to  speak  with  all  possible  earnest- 
ness, and  to  pray  with  them  with  fervour.  I  then  went 
and  expostulated  as  faithfully  as  I  could,  with  one  of 
those  who  is,  I  trust,  not  yet  gone  back  again  unto  per-* 
dition  :  my  whole  soul  for  once  seemed  to  be  in  earnest, 
and  I  went  about  speaking  boldly  to  several  of  the  sail- 
ors, and  could  have  found  it  in  my  heart  to  preach  to 
them  all  day  long.  The  boatswain's  mate  told  me 
many  would  come  and  hear  me,  were  it  not  for  shame  ; 
the  reason  my  servant  gave  me  for  it  was,  because  the 
heat  was  so  great  below,  and  they  were  besides,  afraid 
of  getting  the  fever  from  the  sick.  He  told  me  more- 
over, when  I  asked  him,  that  he  believed  the  lads  among 
the  soldiers  did  not  imderstand  much  of  what  they 
heard  of  my  sermons.  Few  things  give  me  more  pain 
than  this,  as  I  certainly  do  not  want  the  power  of  mak- 
ing spiritual  things  plain.  I  dread  lest  I  should  be  led 
away  from  simple  preaching,  by  incessant  attention  to 
language.  God  save  me  from  this  delusion.  Had  a 
happy  season  in  prayer  in  the  evening,  and  found  grace 
to  intercede  for  my  sister  with  tears.  At  our  evening 
meeting,  F.  one  of  the  cadets  was  present ;  he  has  long 
been  serious,  but  I  could  never  by  conversation,  be  satis- 


430  JOURNAL.  [1806 

fied  with  him.  M^K.  rather  reflected  on  me  for  not 
having  hinted  to  him  to  come  in,  telling  me  that  it  was  my 
duty  to  go  out  into  the  highways  and  hedges,  and  com- 
pel them  to  come  in.  We  all  of  us  read  and  prayed ; 
many  things  I  had  heard  to  humble  me ;  but  my  soul 
was  benefited ;  every  word  I  heard,  every  thought  of 
God  was  sweet,  and  carried  away  my  soul  to  heaven. 

7.  Found  myself  much  impressed  with  what  I  had 
been  reading  in  Daniel.  Oh  that  I  were  withdrawn 
from  the  body  like  that  holy  man,  and  enjoyed  such 
visits  from  Grod.  For  one  in  my  situation,  it  is  inexcu- 
sable not  to  be  a  man  of  prayer,  when  he,  a  man  engaged 
in  public  business,  was  so  heavenly-minded.  This  being 
the  day  I  preached  my  fru^well  sermon  last  year,  I  sat 
down  in  the  evening  and  enjoyed  many  tender  recollec- 
tions of  the  beloved  friends  at  Cambridge ;  many  of 
them  perhaps  were  thinking  of  me.  I  did  not  recollect 
that  it  was  the  first  Monday  in  the  month,  or  I  should 
have  joined  in  supplications  for  the  church.  Employed 
as  usual,  but  with  no  diligence;  in  great  shame  at 
night  finished  the  subject  I  had  been  writing  upon. 

8.  Becalmed  within  a  degree  of  the  line.  In  pro* 
portion  to  the  languor  I  felt  from  the  heat,  my  hopes  of 
living  in  India  dedined,  and  views  of  death  drew  nearer. 
Though  I  have  done  nothing  yet  for  Christ,  yet  what  I 
shall  choose  I  wot  not.  I  have  nothing  to  attract  me 
to  this  life,  and  therefore  why  should  I  not  be  rdreshed 
at  the  thought  of  death  ?  Began  writing  upon  another 
subject  and  learnt  a  few  roots.  Passed  the  afternoon 
as  usual,  in  visiting  the  sick  and  sitting  upon  the  poop 
for  air.  M'K.  and  myself  read  and  prayed  together  in 
the  evening.  I  was  sorry  to  observe  that  our  delays 
continued  to  breed  more  quarrels  between  the  passengers 
and  ship  ofiicers, 

9.  Rose  early,  so  weak,  so  languid,  that  I  could  do 
nothing  but  sit  on  the  poop.  Passed  the  morning  in 
writing  and  the  aft^noon  in  visiting  the  sick;  but  the 
heat  was  so  great  below  that  I  could  not  stay  long. 
However,  I  bear  the  heat  as  well  as  any  in  the  ship.    It 


1806]  JOURNAL.  431 

is  here  very  sultry,  becalmed  as  we  are  within  a  few 
miles  of  the  line.  At  night  my  soul  was  much  dis* 
tressed  at  my  unfaithfulness  and  indolence  in  ministerial 
duties,  and  saw  the  necessity  of  more  earnestness  both 
in  labour  and  prayer,  if  I  would  not  have  more  blood- 
guiltiness  upon  my  soul.  O  that  the  Spirit  of  God  may 
bring  these  thoughts  to  my  remembrance  each  day. 
At  tixe  close  x>f  each  day  I  feel  the  awfiil  necessity 
of  more  devotion,  but  at  the  beginning  of  the  heat  go 
on  as  before. 

.  10.  Crossed  the  line  this  morning  in  about  longi- 
tude 87^  east.  Spent  the  morning  in  writing  and  read- 
ing ;  finished  Prideauz's  History.  After  coming  up  from 
below,  went  among  the  soldiers  upon  deck,  and  was 
glad  to  find  that  one,  of  whom  I  was  in  doubt,  was  still 
in  the  right  way.     At  night  wrote  and  learnt  roots. 

11.  By  M'K's  sitting  in  my  cabin  most  of  this 
morning,  did  little  but  learn  roots,  and  by  unwatchful- 
ness  fell  into  a  carnal  uncomfortable  firame.  With  some 
trouble  got  together  two  or  three  of  the  men  to  sing,  and 
expounded  a  chapter  to  them.  On  going  to  visit  the  sick, 
I  found  the  surgeon  bleeding  P.,  who  was  ill  of  a  brain 
fever.  Soon  after  he  died;  as  long  as  he  continued  in 
his  senses,  I  spoke  to  him  about  his  soul,  but  could 
never  get  any  answer  to  the  purpose.  In  prayer  for 
these  last  few  days  I  have  been  tolerably  comfortable, 
but  led  to  seek  chiefly  a  spirit  of  diligence ;  to-night  the 
departure  of  this  soul  made  me  unhappy,  lest  I  should 
have  been  chargeable  with  his  destruction.  Oh  the  aw- 
fulness  of  the  ministry !  how  shall  I  ever  be  pure  from 
the  blood  of  all  men  ?  I  do  nothing  all  the  day  but  in 
reference  to  my  ministry ;  but  how  do  I  do  it  ?  Oh  my 
God,  there  is  nought  upon  earth  that  I  care  for,  but 
thee,  and  thine ;  but  oh,  that  my  soul  were  alive  to  my 
work  and  roused  to  a  holy  ardour.  M'K.  prayed  at 
night  with  me. 

12.  Early  this  morning  buried  the  man.  M'K.  sat 
with  me  the  whole  morning;  but  as  I  determined 
not  to  let  this  circumstance  disturb  me,  I  looked  up  to 


432  JOURNAL,  [1806 

God,  and  was  enabled  to  be  more  diligent  than  ordi- 
narily in  writing  on  a  divine  subject  and  learning  roots. 
In  the  afternoon  my  time  was  wholly  taken  up  with  a 
young  man,  suddenly  attacked  with  some  disorder,  who 
was  in  the  greatest  alarm  about  his  soul.  I^e  said  to  me 
and  to  aU  around,  '  Now  I  know  what  it  is;  never  again 
will  I  live  as  I  have  done,*  and  much  more  to  the  same 
purpose,  acknowledging  his  desert  of  hell.  As  I  had  no 
reason  to  doubt  his  sincerity  I  continued  to  speak  of 
the  grace  of  God  in  the  gospel  to  him.  On  going  away 
he  said  he  should  wish  to  see  me  as  often  as  possible. 
Passed  the  evening  in  preparing  for  to-morrow. 

13.  (Sunday.)  Preached  on  Acts  xvi.  29—31. 
The  subject  as  usual  excited  the.  deepest  attention. 
With  M'K.  read  afterwards  Amos  and  some  of  the  Ho- 
milies. My  own  heart  after  the  sermon  was  averse  to 
prayer ;  but  in  waiting  upon  God  he  had  mercy  upon 
me,  and  made  me  to  breathe  after  holiness  and  a  hea- 
venly mind  and  a  constant  spiritual  discharge  of  my 
ministry.  It  poured  such  torrents  of  rain  for  the  rest  of 
the  day  that  the  tarpaulins  were  over  all  the  hatches ; 
but  I  went  down  among  the  sick,  and  found  many, 
both  among  the  sailors  and  soldiers.  The  young  man 
so  alarmed  yesterday  seemed  to  have  lost  his  concern 
about  his  soul,  together  with  his  fear  of  death.  Re- 
tained through  the  rest  of  the  day  some  tenderness  of 
spirit,  and  succeeded  in  resisting  the  proneness  to  trifling 
conversation  with  M*K.  which  we  are  both  so  apt  to 
fall  into.  We  passed  the  evening  in  reading  Scripture 
and  hymns  and  prayer. 

14.  The  want  of  sleep  these  three  last  nights,  ren- 
dered me  unfit  for  study  to-day.  Attempted  to  write,  but 
in  vain.  Read  Harmer  s  Observations,  and  finished  the 
first  volume ;  was  not  a  little  tried  by  irritability ;  but  in 
prayer  about  the  middle  of  the  day,  found  comfort  and 
tranquillity  to  my  soul.  As  the  sick  had  been  removed  for 
the  benefit  of  the  air  from  the  orlop  to  the  gun-deck,  I 
sat  among  them  there  on  the  starboard  side  of  the  main- 
hatchway,  and  had  our  service  of  singing  and  reading. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  433 

There  were  a  good  many  present ;  conversed  afterwards 
with  a  sailor  lying  in  his  hammock  very  ill.  Was  much 
teased  with  the  accusations  of  the  captain^  the  com- 
mander of  the  troops,  the  surgeon,  the  sick,  &c.,  all  of 
whom  complain  of,  and  abuse  one  another  to  me. 

15.  This  day  passed  as  usual.  Employed  in  writ- 
ing in  the  morning,  but  as  M'K.  sat  with  me  I  did  but 
Utde.  In  the  afternoon  with  the  sick,  and  at  night 
read  and  prayed  with  M^K.  Afterwards  came  S.  and 
went  over  the  same  grounds.  Enjoyed  in  general  com- 
fortable seasons  in  prayer,  and  sometimes  hope  to  pre- 
serve through  the  day  the  temper  of  Jesus  Christ.  I 
find  that  I  am  again  become  like  the  others  in  anxiety 
about  the  end  of  the  voyage. 

16.  Writing  all  the  morning  with  M*K.  with  me, 
but  very  uneasy  in  my  body  through  indisposition.  In 
the  afternoon  had  a  service  below  on  the  gun-deck, 
which  was  well  attended,  and  visited  the  sick  seamen. 
Found  on  my  coming  up  that  the  captain  and  two  of  the 
cadets  had  been  quarrelling,  in  consequence  of  which  the 
former  ordered  them  to  be  confined  to  their  cabin,  and 
demanded  a  sentry  to  be  stationed  over  them  by  Captain 
O.  I  had  been  a  peace-maker  in  one  instance  to-day 
between  the  captain  and  a  cadet ;  but  here  I  did  not  inter- 
fere, because  I  thought  they  deserved  what  they  suf- 
fered. Read  the  Asiatic  Annual  Register  with  M'K.  at 
night. 

17.  In  the  morning  wrote;  in  the  afternoon  had 
service  below,  which  was  well  attended,  but  from  some 
cause,  chiefly  my  own  carnality,  it  was  dull.  The  sick 
men  shew  no  marks  of  a  work  of  grace.  Things  wear  a 
very  gloomy  aspect  amongst  iis,  scarcely  any  are  at 
all  concerned  about  their  souls.  My  own  soul  too  is  in 
a  poor  state,  continually  prone  to  impatience  at  the 
length  of  the  voyage,  and  inordinately  anxious  for  the 
appearance  of  land.  Yet  in  prayer  God  mercifully  re- 
vives and  directs  me.  My  stated  prayer  in  the  middle 
of  the  day  Qver  a  chapter  of  Isaiah,  for  the  setting  up  of. 
Christ's  kingdom  among  the  heathen,  is  very  often  cold 

2  F 


434  JOURNAL.  [1806 

and  fonnal;  yet  I  will,  throij^h  grace,  never  to  the  end 
of  my  days  give  over  praying  for  this  blessed  event.  At 
night  my  soul  felt  miserably  oppressed  with  a  sense  of 
my  barrenness  and  deadness.  Oh,  I  am  weary  of  serving 
God  in  this  manner.  Oh,  may  the  Holy  Spirit  put  life 
and  ardour  into  my  soul. 

18.  Found  rather  more  liveliness  and  activity  in  my 
mind  this  day ;  finished  the  subject  on  which  I  had  been 
writing,  and  was  able  to  plead  for  the  accomplishment 
of  God*s  promise  to  His  Church  from  the  latter  chapters 
of  Micah.  Especially  was  my  heart  affected  with  Uiose 
words,  ^'  He  shall  stand,  and  feed  in  the  strength  of  the 
Lord,  in  ther  Majesty  of  the  name  of  the  I^rd  his  God, 
and  they  shall  abide :  for  now  shall  he  be  great  unto  the 
ends  of  the  earth.**  Oh  the  inexpressible  glory  of  one 
great  Shepherd  1  when  shall  he  be  great  unto  the  ends  of 
tiie  earth !  In  my  walk  upon  deck  endeavoured  as  my 
mind  was  in  frame,  to  meditate  on  the  words,  ^*  How 
beautiful  on  the  mountains,"  &c.  The  service  in  the 
afternoon  was  well  attended  by  the  seamen,  and  one  of 
the  sick  seamen  began  to  discover  something  of  a  gra- 
cious spirit. 

19.  After  a  sleepless  night,  rose  early  and  saw  the 
island  of  Ceylon,  bearing  west  three  or  four  leagues ;  it 
presented  a  long  range  of  hills  running  north  and  south, 
broken  in  a  picturesque  manner,  but  not  lofty,  and  the 
low  land  between  the  hills  and  the  sea  was  covered  with 
trees.  After  being  ten  weeks  at  sea,  it  was  very  agree- 
able to  see  the  never-varying  horizon  interrupted  by 
dark  land  ;  and  so  long  had  we  been  used  to  die  clear 
breezes  of  the  ocean,  that  we  immediately  detected  the 
effluvia  of  rank  vegetation.  The  smell  from  the  land 
was  exceedingly  fragrant,  and  I  felt  my  senses  quite 
soothed  by  it ;  I  sat  on  the  poop  following  a  long  train 
of  pleasing  thoughts,  about  the  blissful  period  when  the 
native  Cingalese  should  rear  temples  to  Jesus,  in  their 
cinnamon  groves.  The  day  was  afterwards  excessively 
hot,  while  we  lay  becalmed.  I  was  at  first,  giving  way 
to  anxiety  lest  I  should  not  be  able  to  bear  it  long, 


1806]  JOURNAL.  435 

especidly  as  the  distressing  sensatian  of  shortness  of 
hreath  still  continues  ;  but  I  was  soon  composed  by  con- 
sidering, that,  come  what  will,  it  shall  be  best  for  me  ; 
if  I  die,  I  die  to  be  happy — ^if  I  live,  I  shall  live  to 
glorify  God.     Sweet  necessity. 

All  must  come,  and  last,  and  end, 
As  shall  please  my  heavenly  Friend. 

In  the  evening,  a  breeze  springing  up  carried  us  out  of 
sight  of  land.  The  man  in  whom  I  observed  some  signs  of 
grace  yesterday  died  suddenly  this  morning.  The  surgeon 
finding  him  as  he  said,  sulky,  came  to  me  to  beg  me 
to  persuade  him  to  take  what  was  necessary  ;  I  went  to 
him,  but  be  was  speechless,  yet  not  supposed  in  danger. 
At  sunset  I  buried  him.  Employed,  as  far  as  my  sleepi- 
ness would  permit  me,  in  preparing  for  to-morrow. 

20.  (Sunday.)  Rose  much  reifreshed  through  the 
mercy  of  my  God.  Preached  on  Rev,  xxii.  1 7.  a  fare- 
well sermon,  &c.  (See  Memoir,  p.  173.)  My  soul  was 
blessed  with  much  of  the  presence  of  God  in  secret. 
Zeph.  iii.  was  very  sweet  by  its  assurances  of  God^s  ten- 
der love.  I  continued  in  a  happy  spiritual  state  with 
M*K.  at  night ;  and  we  read  several  portions  of  scrip- 
ture with  edification,  and  increase,  I  hope,  of  mutual 
love  ;  but  S.  coming  in,  and  leading  me  into  a  stile  of 
conversation  different,  though  all  along  about  religion, 
I  lost  much  of  the  clear  views  of  eternity  I  had  en- 
joyed. Poor  S.  is  evidently  under  convictions  ;  was  much 
shocked  when  I  told  him  in  answer  to  his  questions, 
that,  if  he  died  in  his  present  state,  he  would  perish.  He 
wanted  much  to  know  what  I  would  have  him  to  do,  and 
promised  on  his  arrival  in  India  he  would  do  it.  He 
said  I  ought  not  to  have  thought  no  good  had  been 
done  in  the  ship,  for  that  I  had  made  him  think,. and 
that  he  and  B.  had  been  brought  to  believe  that  a  re- 
ligious character  was  an  amiable  one. 

21.  Oncoming  on  deck  to-day,  my  eyes  were  gra- 
tified with  a  sight  of  India.  We  were  just  opposite 
Tranquebar,  about  eight  or  ten  miles  distant,  and  in  the 
course  of  the  day,  passed  Cuddalore,  Pondicherry,  &c. 

2  F  2 


436  JOURNAL.  [1806 

Employed  in  preparations  for  going  ashore.  Tbe  poor 
soldier  of  whom  I  hoped  very  well,  died  very  unex- 
pectedly this  morning,  and  was  huried  in  the  afternoon. 
I  was  full  of  thought  most  of  the  day  about  India,  and 
my  future  residence  in  those  plains  which  I  saw.  The 
land  was  low  all  along  except  Pondicherry,  I  think. 
Feeling  myself  very  unwell,  I  was  reminded  of  my  no 
long  continuance  in  this  world.  This  thought  is  pre- 
cious, and  serves  to  check  the  carnal  eagerness,  with 
which  I  am  apt  to  wish  for  a  stay  on  earth  to  accom- 
plish my  objects, 

22.  (See  Memok,  p.  174.) 

23.  The  constant  presence  of  servants,  and  all  the 
rooms  opening  into  one  another,  left  me  no  place  for 
prayer  all  day  till  night.  However,  the  Lord  did  not 
forsake  me,  for  in  my  walk  among  the  cocoa-nut  trees 
that  surrounded  the  house,  1  found  access  to  him  as  well 
as  in  secret  ejaculations.  Employed  myself  chiefly ^n 
transcribing  a  sermon.  Mr.  O.  called  with  me  in  his 
bands,  at  Dr.  Kl%  who  was  not  at  home,  .and  the  other 
clergyman  Mr.  V.  On  Romans  viii.  I  had  solemn  re- 
flections at  night,  and  found  my  soul  much  restored. 

24.  Breakfasted  with  Mr.  V.  at  Vepery,  and  went 
with  him  afterwards  to  Dr.  K.  with  whom  I  spent  the 
remainder  of  the  day.  I  found  him  a  most  affectionate, 
and  in  most  respects,  a  serious  man.  He  gave  me  a 
vast  deal  of  information  about  all  the  chaplains  and 
missionaries  in  the  country,  which  he  promised  to  put 
in  writing  for  me.  Shewed  me  his  schools  and  institu- 
tion of  300  caste  people  employed  in  printing,  engraving, 
&c.  Considering  the  little  retirement  I  had  this  day, 
my  soul  was  tolerably  spiritual  and  comfortable.  Early 
in  the  morning  I  found  the  solemn  presence  of  God 
communicated  to  me,  while  meditating  on  my  future 
work,  and  the  probable  shortness  of  life.  How  com- 
fortable to  lean  on  the  arm  of  the  Beloved,  and  to  be 
indifferent  about  life  or  death.  Dr.  K.  communicated 
several  particulars  about  Swartzand  Gericke,  with  whom 
he  was  well  acquainted.     Felt  excessively  delighted  with 


1806]  JOURNAL.  437 

accounts  of  a  very  late  date  from  Bengal,  describing  the 
labours  of  the  missionaries,  and  was  rather  agitated  at 
the  confusion  of  interesting  thoughts  that  crowded  upon 
me,  but  I  reasoned.  Why  thus  ?  God  may  never  honour 
you  with  a  missionary  commission,  you  must  expect  to 
leave  the  field,  and  bid  adieu  to  the  world  and  all  its 
concerns.  Dismissed  my  old  servant,  Narayen,  to-day, 
and  took  another,  Samees,  because  he  could  speak 
Hindoostanee.  Had  a  good  deal  of  conversation  with  a 
Rajpoot  about  religion,  ajiA  told  him  of  the  gospel. 

25.  Rose  early,  but  could  not  enjoy  morning  medi- 
tations in  my  walk,  as  the  young  men  would  attach 
themselves  to  me.  Passed  the  day  at  Dr.  K.'s.  At 
breakfast  met  Mr.  L.  the  missionary ;  my  mind  uneasy 
for  want  of  more  retirement.  Succeeded  a  little  in 
getting  my  mind  above  the  world,  by  prayer  in  passing 
to  and  fro  in  the  palanquin.  With  Mr.  T.  I  had  a  long 
and  regular  conversation  respecting  the  doctrines  of  the 
gospel,  duties  of  a  minister,  &c.  In  a  few  days  he  goes 
to  Seringapatam  to  be  stationed  as  a  chaplain,  and  I  am 
by  no  means  without  hope  that  his  heart  is  under  divine 
influences,  and  that  he  will  devote  himself  to  the  work 
of  preaching  to  the  natives ;  at  dinner  we  met  Mr. 
Torriano,  and  his  two  sons  ;  the  old  man  is  a  remark- 
able character,  and  a  sterling  saint.  Our  conversation 
together  for  some  hours  after  dinner  was  profitable  and 
religious,  and  I  walked  back  to  Mr.  O.  at  night,  much 
pleased  with  the  manner  in  which  the  latter  part  of  the 
day  had  been  spent ;  but  I  cannot  be  happy  without 
being  more  alone. 

26.  Most  of  the  day  harassed  by  interruptions  from 
several  morning  calls,  &c.  so  that  I  had  little  or  no  time 
left  for  preparation  for  to-morrow's  subject.  Towards 
night,  I  walked  out  with  Samees  in  a  pensive  and  me- 
lancholy mood.     (See  Memoir,  p.  175.) 

27.  (Sunday.)  Enjoyed  some  solemn  moments 
this  morning.  This  is  my  first  Sabbath  in  India.  May 
all  the  time  I  pass  in  it,  be  a  Sabbath  of  heavenly  rest, 
and  blessedness  to  my  soul.     Went  to  Mr.  V.'s  in  a 


438  JOURNAL.  [1806 

palanquin,  and  after  breakfast,  proceed  in  his  bandy  to 
the  church  at  Fort  St.  George.  I  assisted  Mr.  V.  in 
part  of  the  service,  and  preached  on  Luke  x.  41,  42. 
There  was  much  attention,  and  Lord  William  sent  to 
Dr.  Kerr,  afterwards  to  request  a  copy  of  the  sermon  ; 
but  I  believe  it  was  generally  thought  too  severe.  After 
dinner,  went  to  Blacktown.  (See  Memoir,  p.  176,) 
With  young  Toniano,  I  had  some  conversation  respect- 
ing his  entering  the  ministry,  as  he  spoke  the  Malabar 
tongue  fluently.  Walked  home  at  night  enjoying  the 
presence  of  God. 

28.  This  morning  at  breakfast,  Sir  E.  P.  came  in 
and  said  :  ^  Upon  my  word,  Mr.  Martyn,  you  gave  us  a 
good  trimming  yesterday.'  As  this  was  before  a  lai^ 
company,  and  I  was  taken  by  surprise,  I  knew  not  what 
to  say.  Passed  most  of  the  day  in  transcribing  the  ser- 
mon. There  was  nothing  very  awakening  in  it.  About 
five  in  the  evening,  I  walked  to  Dr.  K.*s,  and  found  my 
way  across  the  fields,  which  much  resembled  those  near 
Cambridge ;  I  stopped  some  time  to  take  a  view  of  the 
men  drawing  toddy  from  the  tree,  and  their  manner  of 
ploughing.  Had  much  conversation  with  Dr.  K.  &c. 
(See  Memoir,  p.  176.) 

29.  Spent  the  day  at  Mr.  Torriano's,  whose  house 
is  two  miles  farther  in  the  country ;  Dr.  Kerr,  Loveless, 
and  young  Torriano,  passed  much  of  the  morning  in 
conversation  with  me.  I  continued  transcribing  the  ser- 
mon. The  hot  land  winds  set  in  to-day,  but  I  did 
not  feel  oppressed  by  the  heat,  which  was  owing  partly 
to  my  being  washed  with  water  by  two  servants* 
The  thermometer  was  near  100®.  In  prayer  alone,  my 
soul  found  access  to  God,  who,  notwithstanding  my 
great  hindrance  for  want  of  a  place  of  retirement, 
and  my  carelessness  in  seeking  him  by  ejaculations, 
mercifiilly  draws  nigh  to  me.  In  a  walk  with  the  two 
young  Torrianos,  was  much  comforted  and  refreshed 
by  conversation. 

30*  Breakfasted  at  Sir  E P s,  with  Cap- 
tain S.  Cole  of  the  CuUoden.    I  had  a  good  deal  of  con- 


1806]  JOURNAL.  439 

versation  about  our  friends  at  St.  Hilary  and  Marazion. 
Continued  at  home  the  rest  of  the  day  transcribing  ser- 
mon, and  reading  Zechariah.  In  the  evening  drove  with 
Dr.  Kerr  to  Mr.  Faulkner's,  the  Persian  translator,  five 
or  six  miles  in  the  country.  We  had  some  useful  con- 
versation about  the  languages.  On  my  return,  walked 
by  moonlight  in  the  grounds,  &c.  (See  Memoir,  p.  176;) 
Mayl.  Breakfasted  at  Mr.  H.'s  at  Vepery.  The 
rest  of  the  morning  passed  in  making  calls  on  Mr.  Y. 
Dr.  Kerr,  and  the  purser ;  the  only  retirement  I  can  get 
is  while  I  am  in  the  palanquin,  and  there  the  Lord  helps 
me  to  approach  him  for  a  while  in  reflection  and  prayer, 
but  my  spirit  suffers  for  want  of  regularity  in  secret 
duties.  Walked  home  alone  from  Dr.  Kerr's,  where  I 
dined,  and  had  a  good  deal  of  conversation  with  Mr. 
and  Mrs.  O.  about  religion. 

2.  Passed  the  whole  day  at  Dr.  Kerr*s,  collecting  all 
the  information  I  could  about  the  ecclesiastical  state  of 
India,  which  I  committed  to  paper.  Young  Torriano 
and  Mr.  Loveless  were  there,  and  by  conversation  at  our 
meals  on  the  future  happiness  of  the  church,  much  en- 
livened my  heart.  Cecil  dined  with  us;  in  our  walk 
home  I  repeated  my  usual  advice  to  him.  My  friends 
expressed  much  regret  and  affection  at  parting  with  me. 
For  myself  I  seem  incapable  of  a  lively  sensation  of  any 
kind. 

3.  After  passing  half  the  day  to  little  purpose  I  at 
last  got  every  thing  ready,  and  took  my  leave  of  Mr. 
O's.  family.  Ram  Sing  the  Ri^poot  seemed  really 
very  sorry.  Waited  a  long  time  at  the  Purser's.  At 
length,  however,  I  got  all  my  things  into  a  boat.  Sa- 
mees,  my  boy,  resolved  to  go  to  the  ship  with  me,  but 
was  so  much  frightened  at  the  surf,  a&  they  were  push* 
ing  the  boat  to  meet  it,  that  he  ran  away  and  I  saw  no 
more  of  him.  I  was  much  surprised  and  pleased  at  see- 
ing the  dexterity  of  two  men  near  us  in  a  catamaran, 
which  is  nothing  more  than  beams  of  eight  feet  long  and 
half  foot  in  diameter,  lashed  together  in  the  simplest 
manner.      When  they  came  to   the  breakers,   which 


440  JOURNAL.  [1806 

raised  their  little  bark  so  as  almost  to  stand  on  an  end, 
they  rose  up  and  kept  themselves  perpendicular,  and  in- 
stantly sat  down  a&they  passed  it,  having  glided  over  the 
roaring  surge  with  all  the  ease  and  gracefulness  of  a 
Marine  animal.     Got  safely  on  board  about  sunset. 

4.  (Sunday.)  The  ship  so  taken  up  with  commuoi- 
cations  with  the  shore,  and  preparations  for  sailing, 
that  there  was  no  service.  As  we  did  not  sail,  I  fdt 
sorry  that  I  had  not  remained  on  shore  to  preach,  as  I 
had  engaged  in  the  morning  at  the  fort — in  the  after- 
noon at  the  Black  town.  Though  lying  in  sight  Of  the 
churches,  I  did  not  dare  to  go  ashore.  I  passed  my 
time  in  reading  Scripture  and  prayer;  my  mind  was 
very  low,  ever  sinking  in  deep  waters,  and  I  want^ 
power  from  on  high  to  support  my  faith ;  I  was  through- 
out the  day  wavering ;  sometimes  enabled  to  rejoice  in 
the  Lord,  or  at  least  to  cast  all  my  care  upon  him.  At 
other  times  despairing  of  the  conversion  of  the 
heathen,  or  of  my  being  ever  fitted  for  it.  M*K.  sat 
with  me  in  the  evening. 

5.  More  comfort  and  peace  this  morning,  and  saw 
there  was  nothing  for  me  to  attend  to  but  my  duty. 
Busied  in  packing-up.  This  morning  we  went  to  sea  un- 
der convoy  of  the  Victor  sloop  of  war.  Passed  the  after- 
noon among  the  sick  seamen,  and  found  it  an  interest- 
ing season. 

6.  Rose  in  the  deepest  melancholy ;  I  seemed  left 
without  a  motion,  -overcome  by  the  relaxing  power  of 
the  climate.  I  looked  forward  to  an  idle,  worthless  life 
spent  in  India  to  no  purpose — exertion  seemed  like 
death ;  indeed  absolutely  impossible,  and  this  filled  my 
soul  with  an  awfiil  sense  of  guilt ;  but  it  pleased  God  af- 
terwards in  prayer  to  afford  me  some  deliverance,  by 
enabling  me  to  exercise  faith,  that  though  it  went  so 
badly  with  me  now,  it  should  bye  and  bye  be  otherwise. 
The  recollection  too  thiat  I  was  a  sinner  saved,  and 
therefore  bound  to  the  most  fervent  gratitude,  was  of 
use  in  stirring  me  considerably.  By  reading  some  of 
the  reports  of  the  Society  for  Missions  to  Africa  and  the 


1806]  JOURNAL.  441 

East,  I  again  felt  much  refreshed,  as  I  saw  that  the 
people  of  God  over  the  world  are  much  interested  in  the 
blessed  work.  I  still  endeavour  to  hold  more  constant 
fellowship  with  my  dear  brethren,  as  it  compensates  for 
the  want  of  their  society  and  encouragement.  All  the 
rest  of  the  day  every  thing  went  well  with  my  soul. 
Some  parts  of  the  Prophet  Malachi  were  made  delight- 
ful and  profitable  to  me.  Oh  !  his  name  shall  be  great 
among  the  heathen,  in  every  place  they  shall  offer  in- 
cense to  his  name,  and  a  pure  offering.  My  heart 
expands  through  the  world  and  realises  the  joyful  day. 
God  takes  away  the  veil  from  my  heart,  and  I  see  the 
veil  removing  from  off  Ihe  face  of  the  whole  earth. 
O  come,  Lord  Jesus  1  make  no  long  tarrying,  O  my  God. 

7.  Very  cheerful  the  whole  day,  enjoying  the  pre- 
sence of  God,  and  happy  in  being  employed  in  his 
service.  Employed  in  transcribing  sermon  and  learning 
Bengalee.  Passed  the  afternoon  on  the  poop  reading 
Sale's  Al  Goran.  Being  abreast  of  Yizagapatam  at 
noon,  I  did  not  forget  to  pray  for  the  young  Missiona- 
ries there. 

8.  Rose  unwell,  yet  cheerful;  whether  life  or  death 
awaits  me,  it  shall  be  well  with  my  pardoned  soul.  By 
trifling  conversation  and  great  unwatchfulness  over  my 
own  heart,  I  lost  much  of  the  Divine  presence.  What 
detestable  folly  and  ingratitude  is  it  to  forget  God,  and 
lend  an  ear  to  vanity.  In  prayer  in  the  evening,  it  was 
with  difficulty  I  could  bring  myself  to  due  seriousness. 
With  M'K.  at  night,  read  Hebrews  and  some  of  D. 
Brainerd's  Letters,by  which 'we  were  both  much  affected. 
Blessed  be  the  memory  of  that  holy  man !  I  feel  happy 
that  I  shall  have  his  book  with  me  in  India,  and  thus 
enjoy  in  a  manner  the  benefit  of  his  company  and  ex- 
ample. The  famous  pagoda  of  Juggernaut  came  in 
sight  this  afternoon,  much  resembling  in  appearance 
Roche  Rock  in  Cornwall ;  it  was  a  large  pile  of  build- 
ing, made  very  visible,  by  being  surrounded  with  the  yel- 
low sand  close  to  the  sea ;  it  was  dark  so  as  to  resemble 
a  rock.     This  is    emblematical  of  its   use,    as  being 


442  JOURNAL.  [1806 

employed  for  the  worship  of  the  spirits  of -darkness. 
Poor  India  erected  a  monument  of  her  shame  by  this 
huge  building  on  the  coast.  Here  is  heathenism  staring 
the  stranger  in  the  fitce  on  his  arrival  off  the  land.  The 
scene  presented  another  specimen  of  that  tremendous 
gloom,  with  which  the  devil  has  over-spread  the  land  ; 
no  hoyse  near  it ;  we  conceived  no  noise  to  be  heard 
along  the  bare  coast,  but  the  hollow  roar  of  the  surf. 

9.  Several  pilot  vessels  appearing  in  sight  to-day 
from  Balasare  roads,  each  ship  of  us  took  a  pilot  on 
board,  and  all  made  the  best  of  the  way  to  Calcutta. 
At  night  we  were  overtaken  by  that  tremendous  hurrir 
can,  the  north  wester.  It  appe&red  dark  in  that  direction 
the  whole  afternoon,  and  as  night  drew  on  the  distant 
lightning  became  visible,  incessantly  flashing  through 
half  the  hemisphere.  After  a  few  drops  of  rain  the 
squall  reached  us,  and  in  an  instant  tore  every  sail  to 
bits.  All  was  uproar  in  the  ship ;  the  noise  was  so 
great  from  the  flapping  of  the  sails,  the  rushing  of  the 
wind  through  the  rigging,  and  the  continued  roll  of 
thunder,  that  the  voices  of  the  pilot,  captain,,  and  offi- 
cers to  the  man  of  the  helm,  were  scarcely  audible. 
All  they  could  do  was  to  let  her  run  before  it,  the  con- 
sequence of  which  would  have  been,  that  had  we  been 
further  on  our  way  we  should  have  grounded  on  some 
sand  banks,  two  or  three  of  which  run  out  of  the  mouth 
of  the  Hoogly,  passing  N.  and  S.  The  incessant  light- 
ning made  the  dreadful  scene  constantly  visible.  When 
nature  began  to  shrink  at  approaching  dissolution,  I  was 
much  reconciled  to  it,  by  considering,  wl|at  have  I  here? 
Why  should  I  wish  to  live  ?  Is  it  not  better  to  go  and 
be  with  Jesus,  and  be  free  from  my  body  of  sin  and 
death  ?  But  for  the  sake  of  the  poor  unconverted  souls 
in  the  ship,  I  prayed  earnestly  for  her  preservation. 
From  being  a  little  in  the  sun  to-day,  I  got  a  violent 
headache  which  prevented  me  from  sleefHng  at  night. 
It  is  in  these  climates  that  the  curse  of  God  upon  the 
creation  for  man's  sin  is  most  visible ;  the  sun  formed  to 
be  the  light  and  comfort  of  the  creation,'  is  here  a 


1806]  JOURNAL.  443 

dreadful  enemy.  I  feel  as  much  dread  of  being  ex- 
posed to  its  rays  after  it  has  been  tip  two  or  three  hours 
as  I  would  of  pushing  my  head  into  a  hot  fire;  the 
pleasant  weather  here  is  cloudy  weather. 

10.  Continued  at  anchor  out  of  sight  of  land,  and 
it  was  afternoon  before  new  sails  could  be  bent.  After 
sailing  a  little  way  we  brought  up  again.  Still  out  of 
sight  of  land.  My  headach  and  fever  much  increased 
to-day,  so  that  I  could  do  nothing  but  sit  in  the  air. 
In  prayer  in  the  evening,  God  manifested  himself  in 
great  love  to  my  soul.  In  communion  with  the  blessed 
Lord  I  felt  very  happy  and  joyful,  without  a  wish  or 
care  for  this  miserable  world.  Went  to  bed  early  in 
order  to  remove  the  ague  by  a  sudorific.  Thunder  and 
lightning  the  whole  night. 

1 1 .  (Sunday.)  Rose  a  little  better ;  instead  of  hav- 
ing Divine  service,  we  were  obliged  to  be  all  hands  at 
the  capstern ;  we  proceeded  but  a  little  and  came  to 
anchor  off  Saugur  Island.  In  the  morning  M'K.  and 
myself  had  prayers  and  reading  in  my  cabin,  and  at 
night  Franklin  joined  us  in  what  I  expected  was  my 
farewell  prayer.  I  was  very  far  from  feeling  suitable  sen- 
sations, and  though  free  in  words  had  no  humble  spiri- 
tual breathing  after  Grod ;  and  what  grieved  me  no  less 
was  to  observe  the  deadness  of  my  dear  brothers,  and  how 
readily  they  tirnied  to  common  subjects  of  conversation. 
Oh  what  a  poor  wretch  I  am !  nothing  however  awful 
and  powerful  is  sufficient  to  keep  me  in  a  right  frame, 
and  the  Spirit  of  God  I  am  slow  and  unbdieving  in 
crying  for. 

12.  Got  under  weigh  again;  entered  the  Hoogly  and 
came  to  anchor  a  litde  above  Culper.  The  flat  shores 
on  either  side  were  covered  with  low  wood,  and  I  never 
saw  land  near  sea,  present  a  less  interesting  appearance. 
I  felt  the  same  surprise  as  I  have  often  done  elsewhere 
at  the  solitude  and  apparent  desertion  of  a  place  much 
spoken  of.  In  North  Wales  I  was  often  struck  with 
the  want  of  life  and  motion  at  very  celebrated  places. 
So  here  I  thought  to  have  seen  whole  fleets  of  ships. 


444  JOURNAL.  [1806 

vast  numbers  of  natives  on  the  shores,  and  appearances 
of  cultivation,  but  there  was  nothing  of  the  sort.  A. 
village  indeed  was  seen  running  in  an  easterly  directioa 
from  the  shore  into  the  interior,  consisting  we  heard  of 
no  less  than  10,000  houses  ;  but  there  seemed  to  be  no- 
thing doing.  Five  or  six  miserable  people  only  were 
seen  cutting  down  the  jungle  for  fire-wood.  My  soul  was 
revived  to-day  through  God's  never-ceasing  compassion, 
so  that  I  found  the  refreshing  presence  of  God  in  secret 
duties ;  especially  was  I  most  abundantly  encouraged  by 
reading  D.  Brainerd's  account  of  the  difficulties  attend- 
ing a  mission  to  the  heathen.  Oh,  blessed  be  the 
memory  of  that  beloved  saint ;  no  uninspired  writer 
ever  did  me  so  much  good.  I  felt  most  sweetly  joyful  to 
labour  amongst  the  poor  natives  here ;  and  my  willing- 
ness was,  I  think,  more  divested  of  those  romantic  notions, 
which  have  sometimes  inflated  me  with  false  spirits. 

13.  Weighed  this  morning ;  but  there  being  no  wind, 
came  to  anchor  again.  Afterwards  we  got  under  weigh, 
passed  through  Diamond  harbour,  and  struck  upon  the 
fatal  James  and  Mary,  a  sand  bank  just  above  it.  It 
was  a  very  dangerous  and  awful  situation,  and  was  so 
felt  by  every  person,  for  night  came  on  while  ^e  were  in 
this  state,  and  the  wind  was  never-ceasing  on  that  side 
which  was  uppermost.  The  captain  considered  the 
vessel  as  lost.  Retired  as  soon  as  possible  for  prayer, 
and  found  my  soul  in  peace  at  the  prospect  of  death. 
After  Ipng  in  this  state  for  about  two  hours,  we  found 
to  our  great  joy  that  she  was  going  off;  presently  we 
were  in  deep  water  and  put  out  an  anchor  immediately. 
M'K.,  Franklin  and  myself  met  in  my  cabin,  and  there 
we  praised  our  God  for  this  great  deliverance.  My 
heart  was  much  enlarged  in  prayer  with  them.  How 
sweet  and  happy  are  those  seasons  when  I  am  stirred  up 
to  the  duty  of  praise.  Oh,  why  am  I  so  slow  to  the 
performance  of  it,  when  I  have  such  constant  occasion 
and  never  fail  to  receive  benefit  from  it.  The  Diana, 
East  Indiaman,  got  aground  very  near  us  just  after  we 
did,  and  is  not  off  yet. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  445 

14.  Weighed,  and  got  as  far  as  Miampore,  about 
twenty-five  miles  from  Calcutta,  and  there  we  anchored 
again.  Employed  chiefly  in  writing  to  Mr.  Simeon  and 
£.  The  villages  on  eidier  side  present  a  most  perfect 
picture  of  moral  tranquillity,  but  there  is  a  want  of 
variety.  I  now  want  nothing  but  to  be  settled  among 
the  poor  people. 

15.  This  morning  went  on  board  the  Charlotte, 
Yacht,  which  took  our  treasure  to  town,  in  hopes  of 
getting  to  Calcutta  in  a  few  hours,  but  from  want  of 
wind,  did  not  reach  it  till  ten  at  night.  Had  a  good 
deal  of  conversation  by  the  way  with  the  captain  upon 
religion  ;  my  own  frame  was  low  and  spiritless  in  mind, 
from  want  of  retirement ;  in  body,  from  something  of 
fever.  The  approach  to  Calcutta,  particularly  about 
Garden  Reach,  where  we  lay  several  hours,  is  very 
beautiful.  The  rich  verdure  and  variety  of  the  trees, 
and  the  elegant  mansions  which  they  partly  hide,  con- 
spire to  render  the  same  highly  agreeable  to  the  eye,  but 
the  thought  of  the  diabolical  heathenism,  amidst  these 
beauties  of  nature,  take3  away  almost  all  the  pleasure  I 
should  otherwise  experience. 

16.  Went  ashore  at  day -light  this  morning,  and 
with  some  difficulty  found  Carey :  Messrs.  Brown  and 
Buchanan  being  both  absent  from  Calcutta.  With  him 
I  breakfasted,  joined  with  him  in  worship,  which  was  in 
Bengalee,  for  the  advantage  of  a  few  servants,  who  sat 
however  perfectly  unmoved.  I  could  not  help  contrast- 
ing them  with  the  slaves  and  Hottentots  at  Cape  Town, 
whose  hearts  seemed  to  burn  within  them.  After  break- 
fast Carey  began  to  translate  with  a  Pundit,  from  a 
Sanscrit  manuscript.  Presently  after  Dr.  Taylor  came 
in.  L  had  engaged  a  boat  to  go  to  Serampore,  when  a 
letter  from  Mr.  Brown  found  me  out,  and  directed  me 
to  his  house  in  the  town,  where  I  spent  the  rest  of  the 
day  in  solitude,  and  more  comfortably  and  profitably 
than  any  time  past.  I  enjoyed  several  solemn  seasons 
in  prayer,  and  more  lively  impressions  from  God's  word. 
I  felt  elevated  above  those  distressing  fears  and  distrac- 


446  JOURNAL.  [1806 

tions,  which  pride  and  worldliness  engender  in  the  mind. 
Employed  at  times  in  writing  to  Mr.  Simeon.  Mr. 
Brown's  moonshee,  a  Brahmin  of  the  name  of  B. 
Roy  came  in  and  disputed  with  me  two  hours  about  the 
gospel.  I  was  really  surprised  at  himi ;  he  spoke  En- 
glish very  well,  and  possessed  more  acuteness,  good 
sense,  modera^on,  and  acquaintance  with  the  Scriptures, 
than  I  could  conceive  to  be  found  in  an  Indian.  He 
spoke  with  uncommon  energy  and  eloquence,  intending 
to  show  that  Christianity  and  Hindooism  did  not  mate* 
rially  differ.  He  asked  me  to  explain  my  system,  and 
adduce  the  proofs  of  it  from  the  Bible,  which  he  said  he 
believed  was  the  word  of  God.  When  I  asked  him 
about  his  idolatry,  he  asked  in  turn,  what  I  had  to  say 
to  our  worshipping  Christ.  This  led  to  inquiries  about 
the  Trinity,  which,  after  hearing  what  I  had  to  say,  he 
observed  was  actually  the  Hindoo  notion.  I  explained 
several  things  about  the  Jews  and  the  Old  Testament, 
about  which  be  wanted  information,  with  all  which  he 
was  amazingly  pleased.  I  feel  much  encouraged  by  this  to 
go  to  instruct  them.  I  see  that  they  are  a  religious 
people,  as  St.  Paul  called  the  Athenians,  and  my  heart 
almost  springs  at  the  thought,  that  the  time  is  ripening 
for  the  fulness  of  the  gentiles  to  come  in. 

17*  A  day  more  unprofitable  than  the  forgoing; 
the  depravity  of  my  heart,  as  it  is  in  its  natural  frame, 
appeared  to  me  to-day  almost  unconquerable.  I  could 
not,  however  long  in  prayer,  keep  the  presence  of  God, 
or  the  power  of  the  world  to  come,  in  my  mind  at  all. 
It  sunk  down  to  its  most  lukewarm  state,  and  continued 
in  general  so,  in  spite  of  my  endeavours.  Oh  how  I 
need  a  deep  heart-rending  work  of  the  Spirit  upon  my 
self,  before  I  shall  save  myself,  or  them  that  hear  me. 
What  I  hear  about  my  future  destination  has  proved  a 
trial  to  me  to-day.  My  dear  brethren.  Brown  and  Bu- 
chanan, wish  to  keep  me  here,  as  I  expected,  and  the 
Governor  accedes  to  their  wishes.  I  have  a  great  many 
reasons  for  not  liking  this ;  I  almost  think  that  to  be 
prevented  going  among  the  heathen  as  a  missionary, 


1806]  JOURNAL.  447 

would  break  my  heart.  Whether  it  be  self-will  or  aught 
else,  I  cannot  yet  rightly  ascertain.  At  all  events,  I 
must  learn  submission  to  every  thing.  In  the  multitude 
of  my  thoughts,  thy  comforts  delight  my  soul.  I  have 
been  running  the  hurried  round  of  thought  without 
God.  I  have  forgotten  that  he  ordereth  every  thing.  I 
have  been  bearing  the  burden  of  my  cares  myself,  instead 
of  casting  them  all  upon  him.  Mr.  B.  came  in  to-day 
from  Serampore,  and  gaye  me  directions  how  to  pro- 
ceed ;  continued  at  home  writing  to  E.  In  the  after- 
noon went  on  board,  but  without  being  able  to  get  my 
things  away.  Much  of  the  rest  of  tiie  day  passed  in 
conversation  with  Mr.  Brown.  I  feel  pressed  in  spirit 
to  do  something  for  God.  Every  body  is  diligent,  but 
I  am  idle ;  all  employed  in  their  proper  work,  but  I 
tossed  in  uncertainty ;  I  want  nothing  but  grace ;  I 
want  to  be  perfectly  holy,  and  to  save  myself  and  those 
that  hear  me.  I  have  hitherto  lived  to  little  purpose, 
more  like  a  clod  than  a  servant  of  God ;  now  let  me  burn 
out  for  God. 

18.  So  unwell  with  a  cold  and  sore  throat,  that 
Mr.  B.  did  not  think  it  right  for  me  to  preach.  Went 
with  him  at  ten  in  the  morning  to  the  new  church,  Mr. 
Jefferies  read  one  part,  Mr.  Limerick  another  of  the 
service,  and  Mr.  Brown  preached  on  Isaiah  Iv.  8 — 11, 
giving  a  summary  of  Christian  doctrine.  On  our  way 
back  we  called  on  a  pious  family,  when  we  had  some 
agreeable  and  religious  conversation ;  but  their  wish  to 
keep  me  from  the  work  of  the  mission,  and  retain  me  at 
Calcutta,  was  carried  farther  than  mere  civility,  and 
showed  an  extraordinary  unconcern  for  the  souls  of  the 
poor  heathens.  At  eight  in  the  evening  went  to  the 
old  or  missionary  church,  where  I  ventured  to  read  the 
service;  Mr.  B.  preached  on,  *'  Behold  the  Lamb  of 
God,  that  taketh,'*  &c.  I  was  very  agreeably  surprised 
at  the  number,  attention,  and  apparent  liveliness  of  the 
audience,  and  I  may  safely  say,  that  most  of  the  young 
ministers  that  I  know,  would  rejoice  to  come  from 
England,  if  they  knew  how  attractive  every  circumstance 


448  JOURNAL,  [1806 

is  respecting  the  church.  Stayed  in  the  vestry  some 
time  after,  conversing  with  Mr.  Bm'ney  ;  had  reason  to 
lament  great  want  of  modesty  and  spirituality  after* 
wards.  Began  the  day  with  strong  desires,  that  God  would 
exert  his  power  and  make  me  holy.  My  soul  groaned 
out  of  its  corruptions,  and  I  trusted  that  this  day  I  should 
for  once  be  free  from  those  vanities,  which  I  knew  too 
well  would  without  great  caution  enslave  my  heart;  but 
it  was  not  so,  and  towards  night  I  was  almost  discou- 
raged in  my  struggles  after  a  holy  mind.  Yet  upon  the 
whole,  no  discovery  of  corruption  is  very  distressing, 
while  God  supports,the  hope  of  improvement,  and  makes 
me  pant  earnestly  for  it. 

19.  As  I  was  this  day  to  be  presented  at  the  levee  of 
the  Governor  General,  I  had  need  of  much  prayer, 
that  my  mind  might  not  be  run  away  with  again 
by  new  vanities,  and  I  was  helped  accordingly,  for  the 
Lord  showed  me  the  extreme  folly  and  emptiness  of  all 
earthly  splendour.  After  waiting  a  considerable  time  in 
a  crowd  of  military  men,  an  aid-de-camp  presented  me 
to  Sir  J.  Barlowe,  who,  after  one  or  two  trifling  ques- 
tions, passed  on.  We  went  from  the  Governor's  house 
to  the  college,  where  we  were  shown  Tippoo's  library. 
One  of  the  learned  natives  read  us  a  passage  in  the 
Koran,  or  rather  sung  or  chanted  it.  At  the  end  of  a 
sentence,  in  order  to  preserve  the  time  of  an  equal 
length  with  that  of  the  preceding,  he  drawled  out  the  last 
syllable  with  a  long  and  strong  nasal  sound,  like  one  of 
the  pipes  of  an  organ  after  the  tune  is  finished.  We 
then  got  into  a  boat,  and  the  stream  in  an  hour  and  half 
helped  us  up  to  Serampore,  to  Mr.  Brown's  house.  In 
the  cool  of  the  evening  we  walked  to  the  mission-house, 
a  few  hundred  yards  off,  and  I  at  last  saw  the  place 
about  which  I  have  so  long  read  with  pleasure ;  I  was 
introduced  to  all  the  missionaries.  We  sat  down  about 
one  hundred  and  fifty  to  tea,  at  several  long  tables  in  an 
immense  room.  After  this  there  was  evening  service 
in  another  room  adjoining,  by  Mr.  Ward.  Mr.  Mau- 
liman  then  delivered  his  lectiu-e  on  Grammar.     As  his 


1806]  JOURNAL.  449 

observations  were  chiefly  confined  to  the  Greek,  and 
seemed  intended  for  the  young  missionaries,  I  was  rather 
disappointed,  having  expected  to  hear  something  about 
the  oriental  languages.  With  Mr.  M.  alone,  I  had  much 
conversation,  and  received  the  first  encouragement  to  be 
a  missionary,  that  I  have  met  with  since  I  came  to  this 
country.  I  blessed  God  in  my  heart  for  this  seasonable 
supply  of  refreshment.  Finding  my  sore  throat  and 
cough  much  increased,  I  thought  there  might  be  some 
danger,  and  felt  rather  low  at  the  prospect  of  death.  I 
could  scarcely  tell  why.  The  constant  uneasiness  I  am 
in  from  the  bites  of  the  musquitoes,  made  me  rather 
fretful  also.  My  habitation  assigned  me  by  Mr.  B.  is  a 
pagoda  in  his  grounds,  on  the  edge  of  the  river.  Thither 
I  retired  at  night,  and  really  felt  something  like  super- 
stitious dread,  at  being  in  a  place  once  inhabited  as  it 
were  by  devils,  but  yet  felt  disposed  to  be  triumphantly 
joyful,  that  the  temple  where  they  were  worshipped,  was 
become  Christ's  oratory.  I  prayed  out  aloud  to  my 
God,  and  the  echoes  returned  from  the  vaulted  roof. 
Oh  may  I  so  pray,  that  the  dome  of  heaven  may  re- 
sound. I  like  my  dwelling  much,  it  is  so  retired  and 
free  from  noise ;  it  has  so  many  recesses  and  cells  that 
I  can  hardly  find  my  way  in  and  out. 

20.  Employed  in  preparing  a  sermon  for  to-morrow, 
and  while  walking  about  for  this  purpose,  my  body  and 
mind  active,  my  melancholy  was  a  little  relieved  by  the 
hope  that  I  should  not  be  entirely  useless  as  a  missionary. 
In  the  evening  I  walked  with  Mr,  Brown,  to  see  the 
evening  worship  at  a  pagoda  whither  they  say  the  god 
who  inhabited  my  pagoda  retired  some  years  ago.  As 
we  walked  through  the  dark  wood  which  everywhere 
covers  the  country,  the  cymbals  and  drums  struck  up, 
and  never  did  sounds  go  through  my  heart  with  such 
horror  in  my  life.  The  pagoda  was  in  a  court,  sur- 
rounded by  a  wall,  and  the  way  up  to  it  was  by  a  flight 
of  steps  on  each  side.  The  people  to  the  number  of 
about  fifty  were  standing  on  the  outside,  and  playing  the 
instruments.     In  the  centre  of  the  building  was  the  idol, 

2  G 


450  JOURNAL.  [1806 

a  little  ugly  black  image,  about  two  feet  high,  with  a 
few  lights  burning  round  him.  At  intervals  they  pros- 
trated themselves,  with  their  foreheads  to  the  earth.  I 
shivered  at  being  in  the  neighbourhood  of  hell ;  my 
heart  was  ready  to  burst  at  the  dreadful  state  to  which 
the  Devil  had  brought  my  poor  fellow-creatures.  I  would 
have  given  the  world  to  have  known  the  language,  to 
have  preached  to  them.  At  this  moment  Mr.  Marsbman 
arrived,  andk  ray  soul  exulted  that  the  truth  would  now 
be  made  known;  he  addressed  the  Brahmins  with  a 
few  questions  about  the  god  ;  they  seemed  to  be  all 
agreed  with  Mr.  M.  and  quite  ashamed  at  being  interro- 
gated, when  they  knew  they  could  give  no  answer. 
They  were  at  least  mute,  and  would  not  reply ;  and  when 
he  continued  speaking  they  struck  up  again  with  their 
detestable  music,  and  so  silenced  him.  We  walked 
away  in  sorrow,  but  the  scene  we  had  witnessed  gave 
rise  to  a  very  profitable  conversation,  which  lasted  some 
hours.  Marsbman  in  conversation  with  me  alone 
sketched  out  what  he  thought  would  be  the  most  useful 
plan  for  me  to  pursue  in  India ;  which  would  be  to  stay 
in  Calcutta  a  year  to  learn  the  language,  and  when  I 
went  up  the  country  to  take  one  or  two  native  brethren 
with  me,  to  send  them  forth,  and  preach  occasionally 
only  to  confirm  their  word,  to  establish  schools,  and 
visit  them.  He  said  I  should  do  far  more  good  in  the 
way  of  influence,  than  merely  by  actual  preaching. 
After  all,  whatever  God  may  appoint,  prayer  is  the 
great  thing.  Oh  that  I  may  be  a  man  of  prayer  ;  my 
spirit  still  struggles  for  deliverance  from  all  my  cor- 
ruptions. 

2 1 .  Went  down  to  Calcutta,  and  preached  at  night 
in  the  Old  Church,  on  1  Cor.  i.  1 — 3.  to  a  moderately 
large  congregation.  M*K.  came  home  with  me,  and 
grieved  me  by  many  inconsistencies  in  his  temper  and 
conversation. 

22.  In  prayer  this  morning  my  soul  found  the 
blessed  God  revealing  himself  in  comfort  to  my  soul.  I 
have  for  many  days,  in  a  way,  been  going  on  frowardly 


1806]  JOURNAL.  451 

in  the  ways  of  my  heart,  finding  little  pleasure  in  God, 
and  less  in  any  thing  else ;  but  the  Lord  hath  led  me, 
and  restored  comfort  to  me.  Went  up  to  Seram- 
pore  to  dinner.  In  the  afternoon  was  solemnized  in 
prayer ;  but  as  usual,  lost  much  peace  by  unwatchful- 
ness.  In  our  walk  at  sunset,  met  Mr.  Marshman,  with 
whom  I  continued  talking  about  the  languages.  Telling 
Mr.  Brown  about  my  Cambridge  honours,  I  found  my 
pride  stirred,  and  bitterly  repented  having  said  anything 
about  it.  Surely  the  increase  of  humility  need  not  be 
neglected  when  silence  may  do  it. 

23.  Was  in  general  in  a  spiritual  happy  frame  the 
whole  day,  which  I  cannot  but  ascribe  to  my  being  more 
diligent  and  frequent  in  prayer  over  the  Scriptures,  so 
that  it  is  the  neglect  of  this  duty  that  keeps  my  soul  so 
low.  Began  the  Bengalee  grammar,  and  got  on  con- 
siderably. Continued  my  letters  to  Mr.  Simeon  and  E. 
At  night  we  attended  a  conference  of  the  missionaries  on 
this  subject,  **  Whether  God  could  save  sinners  without 
the  death  of  Christ."  Messrs.  Carey,  Marshman,  and 
Ward  spoke,  Mr.  Brown  and  myself.  I  offered  what 
might  be  said  on  the  opposite  side  of  the  question  to 
that  which  the  rest  took  ;  to  shew  that  he  might  have 
saved  them  without  Christ.  About  fourteen  of  the  Ben- 
galee brethren  were  present  and  spoke  on  the  subject. 
Ram  Roteen  prayed. 

23.  Not  so  regular  in  duties,  and  of  course  not  so 
comfortable  in  mind.  Went  down  to  Calcutta  and  spent 
most  of  the  day  in  preparing  for  to-morrow,  and  learn- 
ing Hindostanee  roots. 

24.  (Sunday.)  In  the  morning  my  heart  was  to- 
lerably  spiritual ;  I  felt  withdrawn  from  the  world,  and 
found  pleasure  in  being  alone  with  the  blessed  God. 
Oh  what  heavenly-mindedness  might  I  enjoy  by  more 
communion  with  Grod.  In  the  evening  at  the  Old 
Church  I  preached  on  1  Tim.  i.  15.  The  subject  as 
usual  gained  much  attention,  but  my  own  soul  had  little 
enjoyment. 

26.     Writing  letters  in  the  morning ;  in  the  evening 

2  G  2 


452  JOURNAL.  [1806 

went  up  to  Serampore  with  Mr.  Brown,  with  whom  I 
had  much  enlivening  conversation.  Why  cannot  I  be 
like  Fletcher  and  Brainerd,  and  those  men  of  modem 
times  ?  Is  aby  thing  too  hard  for  the  Lord  ?  Cannot 
my  stupid  stony  heart  be  made  to  flame  with  love  and 
zeal  ?  What  is  it  that  bewitches  me,  that  I  live  such  a 
dying  life  ?  my  soul  groans  under  its  bondage.  In  the 
evening  Marshman  called  ;  I  walked  back  with  him  and 
was  not  a  little  offended  at  his  speaking  against  the  use 
of  a  liturgy.  I  returned  full  of  grief  at  the  offences  which 
arise  amongst  men,  and  determined  to  be  more  alone 
with  the  blessed  God. 

27.  Employed  all  day  in  writing  letters  ;  frequently 
in  prayer,  but  unable  to  maintain  a  spiritual  frame  any 
time  together.  Mr.  B.  sent  me  a  note  from  his  house  to 
the  pagoda,  so  kind  and  humble  that  I  felt  quite  over- 
whelmed and  grieved,  that  my  real  character  should 
not  be  better  known  and  less  thought  of. 

28.  In  secret  duties  found  myself  somewhat  more 
moved,  but  could  not  preserve  a  right  spirit ;  writing 
letters  all  day,  and  fdt  quite  impatient  at  being  kept 
from  the  language.  In  the  evening  officiated  at  the 
family  worship,  Mr.  B.  being  at  Calcutta;  I  had 
conversation  on  religion  with  a  young  lady  in  the 
house. 

29.  Throughout  this  day  frequent  and  regular  in 
praying  over  the  Scripture  for  an  increase  of  grace 
without  feeling  much  comfort  or  benefit ;  but  at  night 
my  soul  began  to  be  drawn  up  to  the  things  of  another 
world.  In  conversation  at  night  with  Mr.  Brown  and 
Marshman  I  was  enabled  to  retire  at  once  into  my 
spirit  when  the  conversation  became  at  all  unprofitable. 
Had  some  conversation  with  Marshman  alone  on  the 
prospects  of  the  gospel  in  this  country,  and  the  state  of 
religion  in  our  hearts,  for  which  I  felt  more  anxious. 
Notwithstanding  I  endeavoured  to  guard  against  prating 
only  to  display  my  experience  ;  I  found  myself  somewhat 
ruffled  by  the  conversation,  and  derived  no  benefit  from 
it,  but  felt  desirous  only  to  get  away  from  the  world,  and 


1806]  JOURNAL.  453 

to  cease  from  them  ;  my  pride  was  a  little  hurt  by  M.'s 
questioning  me  as  the  merest  novice.  He  probably  sees 
farther  into  me,  than  I  see  into  myself.  Employed  in- 
cessantly in  writing  letters, 

30.  The  day  passed  much  as  yesterday,  but  I  was 
more  elated  and  puffed  up,  and  found  it  harder  to  pre- 
serve a  serious  spirit.  Towards  evening  the  considera- 
tion of  the  shortness  of  time  quickened  me  to  a  more 
spiritual  frame ;  officiated  as  usual  at  evening  worship ; 
writing  letters  all  day. 

Jvne  1.  (Sunday.)  In  the  morning  at  the  New 
Church  Mr.  J.  preached,  I  officiated  at  the  Sacrament 
with  Mr.  Limerick  ;  found  little  comfort  in  the  ordinance. 
In  general  through  the  day  was  obliged  to  be  continually 
in  prayer,  through  inward  corruption,  vanity,  concern 
about  this  world,  want  of  the  fear  of  God.  Preached 
at  night  at  the  Missionary  Church  on  the  three  last 
verses  of  St.  Matthew. 

2.  Called  with  Mr.  Brown  on  M'K. ;  the  rest  of 
the  day  employed  in  writing  letters.  My  soul  tried  by 
the  enemy,  but  keeping  near  to  God.  There  are,  it 
is  said,  breadths  and  lengths,  in  the  love  of  Christ. 
Was  astonished  this  evening  to  think  of  the  returns  I 
make.  I  tried  to  have  my  heart  affected  with  love  to 
the  blessed  Lord  Jesus.  O  my  Redeemer  !  what  is  it 
that  hides  thy  beauties  from  my  soul  ?  my  only  friend, 
fairer  than  ten  thousand,  and  altogether  lovely,  why  do 
I  not  love  thee? 

3.  Writing  letters  all  day ;  and  exercises  of  mind 
still  the  same,  obliging  me  to  wait  upon  God  con- 
tinually to  purify,  solemnize,  and  quicken  me.  Called 
at  night  on  a  pious  family  in  the  town ;  but  instead  of 
being  able  to  edify  them  by  godly  conversation,  I  re- 
turned full  of  shame  and  sorrow  at  various  inconsisten- 
cies, which  might  well  disgrace  me  in  the  eyes  of  the 
people  of  God.  O  may  they  never  take  occasion,  from 
the  folly  that  they  see  in  me,  to  walk  carelessly 
themselves. 

4.  Begun  the  Nagree  alphabet,  and  by  giving  some 


464  JOURNAL.  [1806 

attention  made  myself  master  of  it  in  a  very  short  time, 
so  that  I  could  write  in  it  Prepared  myself  also  for 
the  evening.  Went  in  great  dejection  to  church ; 
grieved  that  I  could  not  speak  with  plainness  and  affec- 
tion to  the  people.  In  prayer  before  sermon,  I  found 
some  relief  in  breathing  out  my  complaints  to  God,  and 
in  the  sermon  was  sufficientiy  plain  I  believe.  At  home 
afterwards,  found  my  soul  lively;  disposed  to  labour  and 
pray.  I  could  not  feel  satisfied  at  having  merely  got 
through  my  work,  but  was  constrained  to  pray.  Lord, 
let  this  sermon  be  for  the  conversion  of  many  souls,  let 
me  not  preach  always  in  vain,  but  let  thy  word  at  last 
go  forth  in  power. 

5.  Employed  this  morning  in  comparing  the  Persian 
andNagree  alphabets,  and  rendering  some  Hindoostanee 
stories  from  one  into  the  other.  Severely  tried  by 
fleshly  temptations,  and  my  mind  also  in  the  dark 
respecting  my  destination  and  something  dejected.  Felt 
fatigued  towards  evening,  as  if  the  day  were  too  long,  a 
thing  I  have  not  found  fbr  some  time.  Visited  with 
Mr.  Brown  some  of  the  European  shops.  Dined  at 
night  with  Mr.  Udney's  &mily  at  Chowringee,  and  was 
much  refreshed  with  the  serious  and  sensible  conversation 
of  Mr.  U.  But  I  see  that  amid  the  want  of  activity  and 
decision  so  remarkable  among  the  friends  of  religion 
here  I  must  begin  at  last  to  act  for  myself,  though  I  am 
no  more  qualified  than  a  child.  At  present  this  is  the 
state  of  things  ;  I  wish  to  fix  at  Benares  ;  but  that  being 
a  military  station  I  should  be  liable  to  a  removal  at  tiie 
will  of  the  commander-in-chief.  Besides,  that  if  I  were 
to  report  myself  to  him  he  would  most  probably  order 
me  to  Delhi.  These  things  however  remain  to  be  tried, 
whether  I  may  not  get  to  be  appointed  to  Benares  and 
continued  there  ;  Mr.  U.  thinks  that  I  may.  If  not,  I 
must  endeavour  to  be  fixed  at  Patna  as  civil  chaplain ; 
but  there  are  difficulties  in  the  way  of  this,  for  by  the 
company's  regulations  I  ought  by  my  seniority  to  be  at 
a  military  station.  May  the  Lord  be  pleased  to  direct 
our  way  through  this  labyrinth.     I  shall  endeavour  to 


1806]  JOURNAL.  455 

have  an  audience  of  the  goyernor-general,  and  state  the 
whole  of  my  views  to  him. 

6.  After  a  sleepless  night,  full  of  pain  from  a  sore 
throat,  and  agitated  with  uneasy  thoughts,  I  rose  at 
gun-fire,  and  was  rowed  up  in  Mr.  Brown's  boat  to 
Serampore.  Death  seemed  at  hand,  and  I  felt  unwil- 
ling to  die.  I  could  not  find  that  diere  was  any  thing 
in  my  habitual  state  that  alarmed  me,  nor  could  I  disbe- 
lieve Christ's  willingness  to  receive  me  ;  but  it  appeared 
so  melancholy   to  leave  fiiends  and  habitation  on  earth. 

7.  Went  down  to  Calcutta,  and  passed  the  day 
chiefly  in  preparing  for  to-morrow.  In  the  evening, 
was  greatly  revived  and  animated  by  a  funeral  sermon 
I  read  of  Mr.  Slater's,  and  every  way  greatly  impressed. 
In  prayer  in  general  was  more  occupied  with  pl^ding 
for  a  ministerial  spirit,  than  for  other  things.  Such  a 
difference  is  there  between  all  that  is  in  this  miserable 
heart  and  the  holy  unction  that  is  visible  on  those 
ministers  of  old,  that  I  cannot  but  perceive  that  I  have 
the  name  and  shadow  only  of  a  minister. 

8.  Preached  at  the  new  church  for  the  first  time,  on 
1  Cor.  i.  23,  24.  The  sermon  excited  no  small  ferment ; 
however,  after  some  looks  of  surprise  and  whispering, 
the  congregation  became  attentive  and  serious.  I  knew 
what  I  was  to  be  on  my  guard  against, — and  therefore 
that  I  might  not  have  my  mind  fiill  of  idle  thoughts 
about  the  opinions  of  men,  I  prayed  both  before  and 
after,  that  the  word  might  be  for  the  conversion  of  souls, 
and  that  I  might  feel  indifferent,  except  on  this  score. 
At  night  preached  at  the  mission  church  on  2  Cor.  v.  9. 

9.  Called  on  Mr.  Birch  and  his  family  ;  afterwards 
on  Mr.  Harrington.  Received  instructions  in  writing 
Nagree,  from  the  first  master  in  the  college ;  returned 
to  Serampore  with  Mr.  B.  and  Mr.  Myers,  and  passed 
the  time  very  agreeably  in  serious  conversation,  singing 
hymns,  and  reading  ;  at  evening  worship  I  read  and 
prayed ;  was  somewhat  melancholy  at  reflecting  on 
being  soon  to  be  cut  off  from  such  delightful  Christian 
society.   But  alas  !  why  do  I  regret  it.    Sweet  is  human 


456  JOURNAL.  [1806 

friendship,  sweet  is  the  communion  of  Christian  friends, 
but  sweeter  far  is  fellowship  with  God  on  earth,  and  the 
enjoyment  of  the  society  of  his  saints  in  heaven  ;  there- 
fore let  me  live  contentedly,  separated  from  every  creature 
consolation,  and  look  forward  with  delight  and  joy  to  the 
day  of  my  departure  from  this  world.  At  night,  went 
to  the  mission  house,  and  heard  Mr.  Ward*s  monthly 
lecture,  on  the  manners  and  customs  of  the  Hindoos. 
Found  myself  very  unwell,  but  supposed  it  was  only 
from  having  had  little  sleep  the  night  before. 

10.  After  a  night  spent  in  great  disorder  of  body 
and  mind  I  rose,  but  was  obliged  to  keep  my  bed  most 
of  the  day ;  the  bilious  fever  with  which  I  had  been 
attacked  continued  to  increase,  till  Mr.  B.  and  his 
family  began  to  be  seriously  alarmed.  During  the  first 
part  of  the  day  I  could  feel  nothing  suitable  to  the  awful- 
ness  of  the  occasion.  I  was  disposed  to  trifle  with 
death,  and  could  not  fix  my  thoughts  in  prayer.  But 
on  a  sudden  I  found  myself  serious  and  breathed  forth 
my  soul  freely  to  God.  I  could  derive  no  comfort  from 
reflecting  on  my  past  life  ;  indeed  exactly  in  proportion 
as  I  looked  for  evidences  of  grace,  I  lost  that  brokenness 
of  heart  which  I  wished  to  retain,  and  could  not  lie 
with  simplicity  at  the  foot  of  the  cross.  God  vouch- 
safed at  this  time  to  give  me  a  sweet  serenity  at  the 
prospect  of  death.  I  thought  with  pleasure  of  leaving 
this  world  of  sin  and  sorrow.  Dr.  Taylor  was  sent  for 
in  the  evening.  In  the  night  I  was  very  ill,  but  enjoyed 
an  almost  uninterrupted  peace  of  mind. 

11.  A  little  recovered,  so  as  to  read  some  of  Hin- 
doostanee  grammar,  but  was  fatigued  by  it.  Had  little 
enjoyment  of  God's  presence,  through  a  detestable 
lightness  of  spirit,  which  has  more  wounded  my  peace 
than  any  other  evil  whatsoever.  Dr.  Taylor  visited  me 
at  night,  and  spoke  of  missionary  subjects.  He  said  he 
expected  to  live  to  see  the  temporal  power  of  the  Ma- 
hommedans  destroyed: 

12.  Still  exceedingly  feeble;  endeavoured  to  think 
on  a  subject,  and  was  much  irritated  at  being  unable  to 


1806]  JOURNAL.  457 

write  a  word.  Mrs  B.  and  afterwards  Mr.  B.  paid  me 
a  visit ;  I  came  into  the  house  to  dinner,  but  whUe  there 
I  felt  as  if  fainting  or  dying,  and  indeed  really  thought 
I  was  departing  tibis  life.  I  was  brought  back  again  to 
the  pagoda ;  and  then  on  my  bed  I  began  to  pray  as  on 
the  verge  of  eternity.  The  Lord  was  pleased  to  break 
my  hard  heart,  and  deliver  me  from  that  satanic  spirit 
of  light  and  arrogant  imconcem  about  which  I  groaned 
out  my  complaint  to  God.  From  this  time  I  lay  in  tears, 
interceding  for  the  unfortunate  natives  of  this  country  ; 
thinking  with  myself,  that  the  most  despised  soodar  of 
India,  was  of  as  much  value  in  the  sight  of  God,  as  the 
King  of  Great  Britain :  through  the  rest  of  the  day  my 
soul  remained  in  a  spirit  of  contrition. 

13.  The  same  spirit  continued.  I  lay  unable  to 
read,  and  no  one  read  to  me,  so  that  the  long  day  was 
dragged  away  in  slumbering. 

14.  A  pundit  came  to  me  this  morning,  but  after 
having  my  patience  tried  with  him,  I  was  obliged  to  send 
him  away,  as  he  knew  nothing  about  Hindoostanee.  I 
was  exceedingly  puzzled  to  know  how  I  should  ever  be 
able  to  acquire  any  assistance  in  learning  these  languages. 
Alas !  what  trials  are  awaiting  me.  Sickness  and  the 
climate  have  increased  the  irritability  of  my  temper,  and 
occasions  of  trying  it  occur  constantly.  In  the  afternoon 
while  pleading  for  a  contrite  tender  spirit,  but  in  vain, 
I  was  obliged  to  cease  praying  for  that  tenderness  of 
spirit,  and  to  go  on  to  other  petitions,  and  by  this 
means  was  brought  to  a  more  submissive  state.  Offi- 
ciated at  evening  worship. 

15.  (Sunday.)  Found  my  mouth  salivated  this 
morning  from  calomel.  Attended  the  morning  service 
at  the  mission  house;  Mr.  Marsden  preached.  After 
service,  Marshman  and  Carey  talked  with  me  in  the  usual 
cheering  way  about  missionary  things,  but  my  mind 
was  dark.  In  the  afternoon  was  rather  more  comfort- 
able in  prayer,  and  at  evening  worship  was  assisted  to  go 
through  the  duties  of  it  with  cheerfulness.  Read  some 
of  Whitfield's  Sermons. 


458  JOURNAL.  [1806 

16.  Ostensibly  about  Hindoostanee,  but  doing  little 
from  weakness — the  effect  of  medicine.  Heard  that  Dr. 
W.  had  made  an  intemperate  attack  upon  me  yesterday 
at  the  new  church,  and  upon  all  the  doctrines  of  the 
gospel.  I  felt  like  the  rest,  disposed  to  be  entertained 
at  it ;  but  I  knew  it  to  be  wrong,  and  therefore  found  it 
far  sweeter  to  retire  and  pray,  with  my  mind  fixed  upon 
the  more  awful  things  of  another  world.  M'Kenzie 
called  on  us  this  afternoon  on  his  way  to  Delhi.  I  was 
shocked  at  his  coldness  about  divine  things ;  yet  im- 
happily  found  no  opportunity  to  speak  to  him  on  it. 
Had  somewhat  more  of  God's  presence  at  night  in 
prayer. 

17.  Rose  in  great  melancholy,  but  the  rest  of  the 
day  though  the  body  was  in  a  very  oppressed  state,  my 
soul  was  a  little  more  active  and  lively ;  I  longed  to  be 
ardent  in  his  service.  Read  the  language,  and  wrote  a 
little  on  a  divine  subject. 

18.  Continued  to  enjoy  near  access  to  the  Lord  to- 
day as  yesterday.  Employed  myself  in  the  way  to  Cal- 
cutta, in  learning  roots  ;  suffered  a  little  from  dejection, 
purely  owing  to  a  bodily  cause,  for  my  soul  was  inwardly 
happy.  In  the  afternoon  we  drank  tea  at  Mr.  Myers', 
and  went  from  thence  to  church ;  where  I  read  prayers, 
and  Mr.  B.  preached  on  1  Peter  iv.  14.  **  On  their  part 
he  is  evil  spoken  of,  but  on  your  part  he  is  glorified." 

19.  Rose  in  gloom,  but  that  was  soon  dissipated  by 
consideration,  and  prayer.  Began  after  breakfast  for 
the  first  time,  with  a  moonshee,  a  Cashmerian  Brahmin, 
with  whom  I  was  much  pleased.  In  the  boat,  back  to 
Serampore,  learning  roots.  Officiated  at  evening  wor- 
ship. Walked  at  night  with  Marshman  and  Mr.  B.  to 
the  bazaar  held  at  this  time  of  the  year,  for  the  use  of  the 
people  assembling  at  Juggernaut.  The  booth  or  carriage 
was  fifty  feet  high,  in  appearance  a  wooden  temple,  with 
rows  of  wheels  through  the  centre  of  it.  By  the  side  of 
this  a  native  brother  who  attended  Marshman  gave 
away  papers,  and  this  gave  occasion  to  disputes  which 
continued  a  considerable  time  between  Marshman  and 


1806J  JOURNAL.  459 

the  Brahmins.     Pelt  somewhat  hurt  at  night  at 's 

insinuating  that  my  low  spirits,  as  he  called  it,  was 
owing  to  want  of  diligence.  God  help  me  to  be  free 
from  this  charge,  and  yet  not  desirous  to  make  a  shew 
before  men.  May  I  walk  in  sweet  and  inward  commu- 
nion with  him,  labouring  with  never-ceasing  diligence 
and  care,  and  assured  that  I  shall  not  live  or  labour 
in  vain. 

20.  Employed  in  writing  sermon,  and  learning  Hin- 
doostanee.  Hearing  of  Mr.  Pitt's  death  I  was  led  into 
solemn  reflections  on  our  mortality,  and  the  vanity  of 
the  world.  Alas,  what  matters  it  to  have  acquired  such 
a  name  as  Mr.  Pitt,  or  Lord  Nelson,  or  Lord  Com- 
wallis,  who  have  all  just  died,  if  they  are  not  the  ser- 
vants of  God.  How  vast  the  change  at  the  last  day, 
when  the  despised  children  of  God  shall  shine  forth  as 
the  sun  in  the  kingdom  of  their  Father.  They  that  are 
wise  shall  shine  as  the  brightness  of  the  firmament.  In 
the  afternoon  read  with  moonshee.  Officiated  at 
evening  prayer. 

21.  Went  down  to  Calcutta,  and  read  someHindoo- 
stanee  with  moonshee  in  the  boat.  The  rest  of  the  day 
passed  in  preparing  sermon.  In  prayer  I  had  frequently 
the  blessing  of  the  presence  of  Grod,  especially  in  refer- 
ence to  my  ministry.  Rode  out  at  night  upon  the 
course  in  Mr.  B's.  carriage. 

22.  (Sunday,)  Attended  at  the  New  Church,  and 
heard  Mr.  Jeflfreys  on  the  evidences  of  Christianity  ;  I 
had  laboured  much  in  prayer  in  the  morning  that  God 
would  be  pleased  to  keep  my  heart  during  the  service 
from  thinking  about  men,  and  I  could  say  as  I  was 
going,  *'  I  will  go  up  to  thy  house  in  the  multitude  of  thy 
mercies,  and  in  thy  fear  will  I  worship  toward  thy  holy 
temple.*'  In  public  worship  I  was  rather  more  heavenly- 
minded  than  on  former  occasions,  yet  still  vain  and 
wandering.  At  night  preached  on  John  x.  2.  **  I  am 
the  good  Shepherd  ;*'  there  was  great  attention.  Yet 
felt  a  little  dejected  afterwards,  as  if  I  always  preached 
without  doing  good. 


460  JOURNAL.  [1806 

23.  Spent  the  morning  with  Mirza  Phitrut,  who 
read  over  with  me  the  Hindoostanee  translation  of  the  two 
first  chapters  of  Genesis.  I  knew  enough  to  point  out 
several  errors,  which  he  corrected ;  the  exercise  was  im- 
proving to  myself.  Afterwards  read  the  Hindoo  Story- 
teUer  with  moonshee,  and  tired  him  with  attention  to 
the  work.  Dined  at  the  governor-general's,  and  passed 
the  time  without  thinking  on  any  particular  subject ;  had 
a  little  conversation  widi  Captain  Burnet,  a  military 
man  on  my  right-hand,  and  controverted  some  of  his 
sentiments  rather  warmly. 

24.  At  day-light  left  Calcutta,  and  had  my  temper 
greatly  exercised  by  the  neglects  and  improper  beha- 
viour of  the  servants  and  boatmen.  Arrived  at  Seram- 
pore  at  eight,  and  retired  to  my  pagoda  intending  to 
spend  the  day  in  fasting  and  prayer ;  but  after  a  prayer  in 
which  the  Lord  helped  me  to  review  with  sorrow  the 
wickedness  of  my  past  life,  I  was  so  overcome  with 
fatigue  that  I  fell  asleep,  and  thus  lost  the  whole  morn- 
ing ;  so  I  gave  up  my  original  intention.  Passed  the 
afternoon  in  translating  the  2nd  chapter  of  St.  Matthew 
into  Hindoostanee.  Had  a  long  conversation  at  night  with 
Marshman,  whose  desire  now  is,  that  I  should  stay  at 
Serampore,  give  myself  to  the  study  of  Hindostanee  for 
the  sake  of  the  Scriptures,  and  be  ready  to  supply  the 
place  of  Carey  and  Marshman  in  the  work,  should  they 
be  taken  off;  and  for  another  reason — that  I  might 
awaken  the  attention  of  the  people  of  God  in  Calcutta 
more  to  missionary  subjects.  I  was  struck  with  the  im- 
portance of  having  proper  persons  here  to  supply  the 
place  of  these  two  men  ;  but  could  not  see  that  it  was  the 
path  God  designed  for  me.  I  felt,  however,  a  most  im- 
patient desire  that  some  of  my  friends  should  come  out 
and  give  themselves  to  the  work ;  for  which  they  are  so 
much  more  fit  in  point  of  learning  than  any  of  the  Dis- 
senters are,  and  could  not  bear  that  a  work  of  such 
stupendous  magnitude  should  be  endangered  by  their 
neglect,  and  love  of  the  world.  M.  recommended  that 
the  serious  people  in  Calcutta  shoidd  unite  in  a  society 


1806]  JOURNAL.  461 

for  the  support  of  missions,  and  each  subscribe  fifty  rupees 
a  month  for  their  maintenance.  Ten  members  with  this 
subscription  could  support  sixty  or  seventy  native  bre- 
thren. He  wished  me  also  to  see  the  duty  of  their  all 
remaining  in  the  country,  learning  the  language,  and  in- 
structing their  servants.  My  mind  was  so  filled  aod  ex- 
cited by  the  first  part  of  our  conversation,  that  I  could 
not  sleep  for  many  hours  after  going  to  bed.  He  told 
me  that  the  people  were  surfeited  with  the  gospel,  and 
£hat  they  needed  to  be  exhorted  to  duty. 

25.  Set  apart  this  day  for  fasting  and  prayer ;  at  the 
remembrance  of  my  past  life,  with  which  I  generally 
begin,  I  was  tenderly  affected  with  some  degree  of 
sorrow  and  humiliation ;  afterwards  for  increase  of  grace 
to  my  own  soul,  and  in  my  ministry,  and  in  intercession 
for  my  country  and  friends,  T  could  not  plead  with 
power.  In  prayer  for  the  setting  up  of  the  kingdom 
of  God  in  India  I  felt  some  freedom,  but  little  love 
for  souls. 

26.  Employed  in  translating  St.  Matthew  into  Hin- 
doostanee,  and  reading  Mirza's  translation ;  afterwards 
hadmoonshee  a  little.  In  the  afternoon  walked  with 
Mr.  Brown  to  see  Juggernaut's  car  drawn  back  to  its 
pagoda.  Many  thousands  of  people  were  present  rending 
the  air  with  acclamations.  The  car  and  tower  was 
decorated  with  a  vast  number  of  flags,  and  the  Brahmins 
were  passing  to  and  fro  through  the  different  compartments 
of  it,  catching  the  offerings  of  fruit,  cowries,  &c.  that 
were  thrown  up  to  the  god ;  for  which  they  threw  down 
in  return  small  wreaths  of  flowers,  which  the  people 
wore  round  their  necks  and  in  their  hair.  When 
the  car  stopped  at  the  pagoda,  the  god  with  one  or 
two  attending  deities  were  let  down  by  ropes,  mufiled  up 
in  red  cloths,  a  band  of  singers  with  drums  and  cymbals 
going  round  the  car  while  this  was  performed.  Before 
the  stumps  of  images,  for  they  were  not  better,  some  of 
the  people  prostrated  themselves,  striking  the  ground 
twice  with  their  foreheads ;  this  excited  more  horror  in 
me  than  I  can  well  express,  and  I  was  about  to  stammer 


462  JOURNAL.  [1806 

out  in  Hindoostanee, ''  Why  do  ye  these  things  ?"  and  to 
preach  the  gospel.  The  words  were  on  my  lips — though 
if  I  had  spoken  thousands  would  have  crowded  round 
me,  and  I  should  not  have  heen  understood.  However, 
I  felt  my  spirit  more  inflamed  with  zeal  then  I  ever  con- 
ceived it  would  be ;  and  I  thought  that  if  I  had  words  I 
would  preach  to  the  multitudes  all  the  day,  if  I  lost  my 
life  for  it.  It  was  curious  how  the  women  clasped  their 
hands,  and  lifted  them  up  as  if  in  the  extacy  of  devotion, 
while  Juggernaut  was  tumbled  about  in  the  most  clumsy 
manner  before  their  eyes.  I  thought  with  some  sorrow 
that  Satan  may  exert  the  same  influence  in  exciting  ap- 
parently religious  affections  in  professors  of  the  gospel, 
in  order  to  deceive  souls  to  their  eternal  ruin.  Dr. 
Taylor  and  Mr.  Moore  joined  us,  and  distributed  tracts. 
Mr.  Ward,  we  heard,  was  at  a  distance  preaching.  On 
our  return  we  met  Marshman  going  upon  the  same  errand. 
In  evening  worship  my  heart  was  rather  drawn  out  for 
the  heathen,  and  my  soul  in  general  through  the  day  en- 
joyed a  cheering  sense  of  God's  love.  Marshman  joined 
us  again,  and  our  conversation  was  about  supporting 
some  native  missions. 

27.  Employed  about  Hindoostanee  with  moonshee 
most  of  the  day,  with  my  mind  cheerful  and  composed. 

28.  Came  down  to  Calcutta,  and  spent  the  morning 
in  Hindoostanee ;  had  moonshee  in  the  afternoon.  My 
heart  was  yielding  to  many  vanities  most  of  this  day.  Oh 
that  I  may  value  communion  with  God,  which  none  but 
the  piu«  in  heart  can  enjoy.  "  Keep  thy  heart  with  all  di- 
ligence, for  out  of  it  are  the  issues  of  life." 

29.  (Sunday.)  Preached  this  morning  to  a  large 
congregation  in  the  New  Chwch,  on  Rom.  vii.  18.  and 
was  in  general  raised  in  my  thoughts  and  affections 
above  this  world,  but  love  of  souls  is  what  I  do  not  fed. 
God  help  me  to  seek  after  it.  In  the  evening  preached 
at  the  Missionary  Church,  on  Dan.  v.  23,  24.  with 
rather  more  affection.  B.  who  had  this  day  landed 
from  Madras  was  there ;  we  met  with  mutual  surprise. 

30.  Read  the  Hindoostanee  translation  of  Genesis  iii. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  463 

with  Mirza ;  afterwards  went  up  to  Serampore  in  the 
boat,  learning  roots.  Spent  the  afternoon  chiefly  in 
prayer,  of  which  my  soul  stood  greatly  in  need  through 
the  snares  into  which  my  heart  had  been  falling. 
Through  mercy  my  heart  was  not  so  far  gone  from  God 
as  to  find  it  very  diffioilt  to  renounce  the  world  again. 
But  I  found  it  necessary  to  cry  for  deliverance  from  all 
my  present  thoughts,  again  to  bid  adieu  to  the  world, 
and  be  no  more  entangled  with  it,  but  to  live  as  if  I  had 
not  a  friend  in  the  world,  entirely  set  apart  for  God. 
My  soul  was  blessed  with  peace  though  I  was  somewhat 
melancholy  at  the  pain  the  conflict  occasioned.  Called 
at  the  Missionary  house,  and  saw  Mr.  Marsden  previous 
to  the  commencement  of  his  missionary  career.  Now 
the  plans  of  God  are  I  trust  taking  another  step 
forward. 

July  1.  I  would  consider  every  day  as  a  time  of 
contradiction  to  the  flesh,  and  would  expect  no  pleasure, 
but  a  life  of  hardship,  labour,  and  humiliation.  If  out- 
ward things  are  made  comfortable,  through  goodness 
and  love,  let  God  be  praised,  but  I  would  not  think  of 
these  things,  but  see  them  ebb  or  flow  with  equal  indif* 
ference.  I  would  consider  heaven  as  my  only  dwelling- 
place,  and  on  that  let  me  be  always  thinking.  The  set- 
ting up  of  Christ's  kingdom  in  the  hearts  of  men  is  my 
delightful  business  upon  earth ;  but  oh,  let  me  labour  in 
that  with  a  mind  simply  directed  to  Jesus  ;  so  shall  I 
walk  steadily  with  God.  Employed  with  moonshee  all 
day.  In  evening  prayer  was  confused.  Watchful  in  a 
greater  degree  over  my  heart. 

2.  Mr.  Brown  proposed  a  prayer  meeting  between 
ourselves  and  the  missionaries  previous  to  the  departure 
of  Dr.  Taylor  for  Surat.  It  was  a  season  of  grace  to 
my  soul,  for  some  sense  of  the  vast  importance  of  the 
occasion  dwelt  upon  my  mind  in  prayer,  and  I  desired 
earnestly  to  live  zealously,  labouring  for  souls  in  every 
possible  way,  with  more  honesty  and  openness.  In  the 
evening  went  to  Marshman,  and  proposed  it.  There 
were  at  his  house  many  agreeable  sights ;    one  pundit 


464  JOURNAL.  [1806 

was  translating  Scripture  into  Sanscrit,  another  into 
Guzerati,  and  a  table  was  covered  with  materials  for  a 
Chinese  Dictionary.  Employed  with  moonshee  in 
Hindoo  Storyteller,  and  in  learning  to  write  the  Persian 
characters. 

3.  Rose  with  some  happiness  in  my  soul,  and  delight 
in  the  thought  of  an  increase  of  labour  in  the  church  of 
God.  Employed  morning  as  usual,  and  in  thinking  of 
subject  for  sermon.  Was  detained  in  the  house  at  a 
time  when  I  wanted  prayer.  In  the  evening  walked 
with  the  family  through  Serampore,  the  natives'  part. 
At  night  we  had  a  delightful  spiritual  conversation. 
Thus  my  time  passes  most  agreeably  in  this  dear  family. 
Lord,  let  me  be  willing  to  leave  it,  and  the  world  with 

joy- 

4.  Moonshee  being  sick,  I  read  by  myself,  and  em- 
ployed the  time  in  extracting  idioms,  and  useful  phrases 
from  the  Hindoo  Storyteller,  and  exercised  myself  in  the 
Persian  character,  by  writing  out  the  beginning  of  a 
native  elegy.  My  soul  in  general  comfortably  and 
solemnly  to  Godward.  Oh  may  the  Lord  never  suffer 
my  soul  to  be  moved,  nor  cause  my  enemies  to  triumph 
over  me. 

5.  Went  down  to  Calcutta,  read  with  moonshee  in 
the  boat,  and  passed  the  afternoon  also  with  him,  but  I 
do  not  seem  to  improve  at  all  in  conversation.  Rode 
out  with  Mr.  B.  in  the  carriage  in  the  evening,  and 
afterwards  spent  a  great  deal  too  much  time  in  conver- 
sation, for  which  my  conscience  condemned  me. 

6.  (Sunday.)  Laboured  to  have  my  mind  impressed 
with  holy  things,  particularly  because  I  expected  to  have 
a  personal  attack  from  the  pulpit.  Mr.  L.  preached 
from  2  Pet.  i.  13,  and  spoke  with  sufficient  plainness 
against  me  and  my  doctrines.  Called  them  inconsist- 
ent, extravagant,  and  absurd.  He  drew  a  vast  variety 
of  false  inferences  fiY>m  the  doctrines,  and  thence  argued 
against  the  doctrines  themselves.  To  say  that  repent- 
ance is  the  gift  of  God,  was  to  induce  men  to  sit  still 
and  wait  for  God.     To  teach  that  nature  was  wholly 


1806]  JOURNAL.  465 

corrupt,  was  to  lead  men  to  despair  ;  that  men  thinking 
the  rightwusness  of  Christ  sufficient  to  justify,  will 
account  it  unnecessary  to  have  any  of  their  own  :  this  last 
assertion  moved  me  considerably^  and  I  started  at  hearing 
such  downright  heresy.  He  spoke  of  me  as  one  of  those 
who  understand  neither  what  they  say,  nor  whereof  they 
affirm :  and  as  speaking  only  to  gratify  self-sufficiency, 
pride,  and  uAcharitableness.  I  rejoiced  at  having  the 
Sacrament  of  the  Lord*s  Supper  afterwards,  as  the 
solemnities  of  that  blessed  ordinance  sweetly  tended  to 
soothe  the  asperities,  and  dissipate  the  contempt  which 

was  rising ;  and  I  think  I  administered  the  cup  to 

and with  sincere  good  will.  At  night  I  preached  on 

Johniv.  10,  at  the  mission  church,  and  blessed  be  God! 

with  an  enlarged  heart.    I  saw in  tears,  and  that 

encouraged  me  to  hope  that  perhaps  some  were  savingly 
affected,  but  I  feel  no  desire  except  that  my  God  should 
be  glorified.  If  any  are  awakened  at  hearing  me,  let  me 
not  hear  of  it  if  I  should  gloryl 

7.  After  the  first  thought  of  indolence,  self-com- 
placency, and  discontent  had  been  dissipat^,  my  soul 
was  brought  by  the  gracious  Spirit,  to  a  different  frame, 
so  that  it  was  delightful  to  me  to  think  of  labouring 
ardently  for  God  and  heathen  souls,  unknown  and 
unnoticed  by  the  creature.  Oh,  surely  God  does  intend 
good  for  India,  ere  long ;  or  is  it  because  I  find  the  belief 
so  agreeable,  that  I  do  believe  it  ?  Mirza  came  to  me 
this  morning,  and  as  it  was  the  last  time  I  should  see 
him  before  his  departure  to  his  native  place,  Benares,  I 
preached  the  gospel  to  him.  He  said  that  now  he  had 
translated  the  Gospels,  he  was  become,  a  Christian  in 
heart,  and  wished  to  spend  the  remainder  of  his  days  in 
a  comer,  thinking  of  God.  Thus  fairly  will  even  a 
ferocious  and  profligate  Mussulman  speak.  Went  back 
to  Serampore. 

8.  Reading  with  moonshee  all  the  morning.  Spent 
the  afternoon  in  reading  aud  prayer,  as  preparatory  to  a 
meeting  of  the  missionaries  at  night.  At  eight,  ten  of 
us  met  in  my  pagoda.     It  was,  throughout,  a  soul-re- 

2  H 


466  JOURNAL.  [1806 

freshing  ordinance  to  me ;  I  felt  as  I  wished,  as  if 
having  done  with  the  world,  and  standing  on  the  very- 
verge  of  heaven,  rejoicing  at  the  glorious  work  which 
God  will  accomplish  on  die  earth.  The  Lord  will,  I 
hope,  hear  our  prayers  for  our  dear  brother,  on  whose 
account  we  met,  previous  to  his  departure  for  Surat. 

An  idea  thrown  out  by pleased  me  very  much, 

not  on  account  of  its  practicability,  but  its  grandeur,  i.  e. 
that  there  should  be  an  annual  meeting,  at  the  Cape  of 
Good  Hope,  of  all  the  missionaries  in  the  world. 

9.  Dull  and  languid  from  the  exertions  and  late 
hours  of  yesterday.  Reading  the  sermon  on  the  mount, 
in  the  Hindoostanee  Testament,  with  moonshee.  In  the 
evening  went  to  the  missionary  house,  drank  tea,  and  at* 
tended  their  worship.  These  affectionate  souls  never  fail 
to  mention  me  particularly  in  their  prayers,  but  1  am 
grieved  that  they  so  mistake  my  occasional  warmth  for 
zeal.  It  is  one  of  the  things  in  which  I  am  most  low 
and  backward,  as  the  Lord,  who  seeth  in  secret,  knows 
too  well.  Oh  then,  may  any  who  think  it  worth  while 
to  take  up  my  name  into  their  lips,  pray  for  the  begin- 
ning rather  than  the  continuance  of  zeal.  Marshman, 
in  my  walk  with  him,  kindly  assured  me  of  his  great 
regard  and  union  of  heart  wiUx  me.  I  would  that  I  had 
more  gratitude  to  God,  for  so  putting  it  into  the  hearts 
of  his  people,  to  show  regard  to  one  so  undeserving  of 
it.  At  night  had  much  nearness  to  God  in  prayer.  I 
found  it  sweet  to  my  spirit,  to  reflect  on  my  being  a 
pilgrim  on  earth,  with  Christ  for  my  near  and  dear 
friend,  and  found  myself  unwilling  to  leave  off  my 
prayer. 

10.  Employed  during  the  morning  with  moonshee. 
At  morning  and  evening  worship  enjoyed  freedom  of 
access  to  God  in  prayer.  Mr.  Brown's  return  in  the 
evening  with  another  Christian  friend,  added  greatly  to 
my  pleasure.  Marshman  joined  us  at. night,  but  these 
enjoyments,  from  being  too  eagerly  entered  into,  often 
leave  my  soul  carnally  delighted  only,  instead  of  bring- 
ing me  nearer  to  God.     Wrote  sermon  at  night. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  467 

1 1 .  Had  much  plague,  from  the  vanities  of  my  heart 
to-day.  Was  chiefly  writing  sermon,  and  but  little  with 
moonshee.  Some  suitable  thoughts  coming  into  my 
mind  at  night,  of  the  majesty  of  God,  and  the  manner 
in  which  angels  serve  him,  from  hearing  sacred  musjc, 
I  was  astonished  at  reflecting  on  my  daring  irreverence. 
Oh !  never  have  I  approached  the  Deity  with  any  thing  of 
a  proper  temper.  Due  apprehensions  of  him  I  cannot 
expect  to  have,  but  surely  I  might  walk  before  him  with 
less  carelessness  than*I  do.  The  seraphs  veil  their  faces 
with  their  wings,  before  the  Lord.  Oh  to  think  that 
such  a  despicable  creature  should  be  irreverent ! 

12.  Most  of  this  morning -employed  about  sermon. 
In  the  afternoon  went  down  to  Calcutta  with  Mr.  B. 
and  all  his  family ;  we  passed  the  time  very  agreeably  in 
singing  hymns.  Found  Europe  letters  on  our  arrival, 
but  were  disappointed  in  not  finding  Corrie,  or  Parsons, 
in  the  list  of  passengers.  My  letters  were  from  Lydia, 
T.  H.,  and  Emma;  Mr.  Simeon,  and  Sargent.  All 
their  first  letters  had  been  taken  in  the  Bell  Packet.  I 
longed  to  see  Lydia's,  but  the  Lord  saw  it  good,  no 
doubt,  not  to  suffer  it  to  arrive.  The  one  I  did  receive 
from  her  was  very  animating,  and  showed  the  extraor- 
dinary zeal  and  activity  of  her  mind.  Mr.  Simeon's 
letter  contained  her  praises,  and  even  he  seemed  to  regret 
that  I  had  gone  without  her.  My  thoughts  were  so 
occupied  with  these  letters,  that  I  coidd  get  little  or  no 
sleep. 

13.  (Sunday.)  Talked  to  Mr.  B.  about  L.,  and  read 
her  letter  to  him.  He  strongly  recommended  the  mea- 
sure of  endeavoiuing  to  bring  her  here,  and  was  clear 
that  my  future  situation  i9  the  country  would  be  such 
as  to  make  it  necessary  to  be  married.^  A  letter  from 
Colonel  Sandys,  which  he  opened  afterwards,  spoke  in 
the  highest  terms  of  her.  The  subject  of  marriage  was 
revived  in  my  mind,  but  I  feel  rather  a  reluctance  to  it. 
I  enjoy  in  general  such  sweet  peace  of  mind,  from  con- 
sidering myself  a  stranger  upon  earth,  unconnected  with 
any  persons ;   unknown,  forgotten,  that  were  I  never 

2  H  2 


468  JOURNAL.  [1806 

thrown  intx)  any  more  trying,  circumstances  than  I  am 
in  at  present,  no  change  could  add  to  my  happiness.  At 
the  new  church  this  morning,  had  the  happiness  of  hear- 
ing Mr.  Jefferies  preach.  I  trust  God  will  graciously 
k^ep  him,  and  instruct  him,  and  make  him  another  wit- 
ness of  Jesus  in  this  place.  My  heart  was  greatly 
refreshed,  and  rejoiced  at  it  all  the  day.  At  night 
preached  at  the  missionary  church,  on  Eph.  ii.  1 — 3,  to 
a  small  congregation.  Sat  up  late  with  Mr.  B.,  consi- 
dering the  same  subject  as  we  had  been  conversing  on 
before,  and  it  dwelt  so  much  on  my  mind,  that  I  got 
hardly  any  sleep  the  whole  night. 

14.  The  same  subject  engrosses  my  whole  thoughts. 
Mr.  B's.  arguments  appear  so  strong,  that  my  mind  is 
almost  made  up  to  send  for  Lydia.  I  could  scarcely 
have  any  reasonable  doubts  remaining,  that  her  presence 
would  most  abundantly  promote  the  ends  of  the  mission. 
A  letter  from  Colonel  Sandys  gave  us  hopes  that  some 
valuable  missionaries  may,  ere  long,  be  introduced  into 
the  country.  Passed  much  of  the  morning  with 
Mirza,  the  Mahometan,  and  endeavoured  to  press  upon 
his  mind  the  truths  of  the  gospel ;  in  the  afternoon  with 
moonshee.  Till  evening  worship  passed  some  time 
profitably  in  reading  and  prayer,  and  God  in  grace  and 
love  helped  me  to  have  my  affections  withdrawn  from 
the  world,  and  to  be  indifferent  about  the  event  of  what 
is  now  passing  in  my  mind.  Through  Christian  friends 
being  with  us  this  evening,  we  had  some  agreeable  con- 
versation on  divine  things.  At  night,  with  Mr.  B.,  paid 
my  first  visit  to  Mrs.  Johnson. 

15.  Most  of  the  day  with  moonshee;  at  intervals, 
thinking  on  subject  for  sermon.  My  affections  seemed 
to  be  growing  ipore  strong  towards  Lydia  than  I  could 
wish,  as  I  fear  my  judgment  will  no  longer  remain 
unbiassed.  The  subject  is  constantly  on  my  mind,  and 
imagination  heightens  the  advantages  to  be  obtairfed 
from  her  presence.  And  yet,  on  the  other  hand,  there 
is  such  a  sweet  happiness  in  living  unconnected  with 
any  creature,  and  hastening  through  this  life  with  not 


1806]  JOURNAL.  469 

one  single  attraction  to  detain  my  desires  here,  that  I 
am  often  very  unwilling  to  exchange  a  life  of  celibacy, 
for  one  of  which  I  know  nothing,  except  that  it  is  in 
general  a  life  of  care. 

16.  Morning  with  moonshee ;  afterwards  preparing 
myself  for  church.  Preached  at  night  at  missionary 
church,  on  Isaiah  Ixiii.  1 .  Both  in  prayers  and  sermon 
I  felt  my  heart  much  more  affected  than  I  expected,  and 
there  seemed  to  be  some  im|R:ession  on  a  few  of  the 
people.  I  feel  to  be  thankful  to  God,  and  grateful  to 
the  people,  that  they  continue  to  hear  me  with  such 
attention.  My  thoughts  this  day  have  been  rather 
averse  to  marriage.  Anxiety  about  the  education  and 
conversion  of  children  rather  terrifies  me. 

17.  Employed  as  usual  at  night. 

1 8 .  Engaged  in  writing  a  sermon  for  Sunday.  After 
officiating  at  evening  worship,  I  felt  my  heart  much 
enlarged,  and  disposed  to  exclude  any  thing  but  spiri- 
tual conversation.  Afterwards  Mr.  J.  came  and  con- 
versed with  Mr.  B.  and  myself,  on  the  subject  of  the 
late  attacks  from  the  pulpit,  which  we  had  heard. 
Blessed  be  God,  Mr.  J.  seems  really  disposed  to  rank 
with  the  followers  of  the  Lord. 

19.  Still  writing,  and  but  a  short  time  with  moon- 
shee. Mr.  B.  revived  all  the  thoughts  of  marriage  as 
strongly  as  ever.  Read  some  of  Barrow's  Travds  in 
Africa,  by  way  of  recreation. 

20.  (Sunday.)  Preached  at  the  new  church,  on  2 
Cor.  V.  17.  Mr.  Marshman  dined  with  us,  and  at  four 
I  went  to  the  Bazaar,  to  hear  him  preach  to  the 
natives.  I  arrived  at  the  shed  before  him,  and  found 
the  native  brethren  singing,  after  which  one  of  them  got 
up,  and  addressed  the  people  with  such  firmness  and 
mild  energy,  notwithstanding  their  occasional  contra- 
dictions and  ridicule,  that  I  was  quite  delighted  and 
refreshed.  To  see  a  native  Indian,  an  earnest  advocate 
for  Jesus,  how  precious !  Marshman  afterwards  came, 
and  prayed,  sung,  and  preached.  If  I  were  to  be  very 
severe  with  him,  I  should  say  that  there  is  a  want  of 


470  JOURNAL.  [1806 

seriousness,  tenderness,  and  dignity  in  his  address,  and 
I  felt  pained  that  he  should  so  frequently  speak  vrith 
contempt  of  the  Brahroins,  many  of  whom  were 
listening  with  great  respect  and  attention.  The  group 
presented  all  that  variety  of  countenance  which  the 
word  is  represented  as  producing  in  a  heathen  audience. 
Some  inattentive,  others  scomfid,  and  others  seemingly 
melting  under  it.  Another  native  brother,  I  believe, 
then  addressed  them.  An  Indian  sermon  about  Jesus 
Christ  was  like  music  on  my  ear,  and  I  felt  in- 
flamed to  begin  my  work :  these  poor  people  pos- 
sess more  intelligence  and  feeling  than  I  thought.  At 
the  end  of  the  service,  there  was  a  sort  of  uproar 
when  the  papers  were  given  away,  and  the  attention  of 
the  populace  and  of  some  Europeans  was  excited.  Read 
prayers  at  night  at  the  missionary  church;  Mr.  B. 
preached  on  the  unspeakable  gift. 

21.  Morning  with  moonshee.     Young  from 

England  dined  with  us.  Returned  to  Serampore  rather 
in  a  low  state  of  mind,  arising  from  deprivation  of  a 
society  of  which  I  had  been  too  fond.  Ill  with  a  cold, 
and  want  of  sleep  towards  night,  this  made  me  still 
more  stupid  and  cold. 

22.  Read  Hindoostanee  without  moonshee.  Not 
being  able  to  get  to  the  pagoda  from  the  incessant  rain, 
I  passed  the  latter  part  of  the  day  in  the  house,  reading 
the  life  of  Francis  Xavier.  I  was  exceedingly  roused  at 
the  astonishing  example  of  that  great  saint,  and  began 
to  consider,  whether  it  was  not  my  duty  to  live,  as  he 
did,  in  voluntary  poverty  and  celibacy.  I  was  not  easy 
till  I  had  determined  to  follow  the  same  course,  when  I 
should  perceive  that  the  kingdom  of  God  would  be  more 
advanced  by  it.  At  night  I  saw  the  awful  necessity  of 
being  no  longer  slothful,  nor  wasting  my  thoughts 
about  such  trifles,  as  whether  I  should  be  married  or 
not ;  and  felt  a  great  degree  of  fear,  lest  the  blood  of  the 
five  thousand  Mahometans,  who  Mr.  B.  said  were  to  be 
found  in  Calcutta,  capable  of  understanding  a  Hindoos- 
tanee sermon,  should  be  required  at  my  hand. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  471 

23*  Employed  in  Hindoostanee  and  writing  sermon. 
Moonshee  narrowly  escaped  drowning  in  coming  to  me, 
the  wind  is  so  high  on  the  river ;  the  boat  having  upset. 
At  night  visited  Marshman,  and  consulted  with  him  on 
the  subject  which  is  pending  in  my  mind.  Wrote  out  a 
letter  for  Lydia,  but  am  not  yet  detirmined  to  send  it. 

24.  Reading  Hindoostanee  by  myself ,  and  found  it 
more  useful  than  with  moonshee,  and  when  tired  read 
Barrow's  travels  in  China,  and  Xavier.  In  the  afternoon 
Mr.B.  brought  up  Buchanan's  Mission  from  Calcutta ;  I 
was  much  struck  with  it,  and  was  very  powerfully  ex- 
cited by  Archbishop  Wake's  letter  to  the  missionaries. 
Oh  how  shall  I  adore  God  enough,  for  the  honour  He  has 
put  upon  so  wretched  a  creature,  by  sending  him  with 
the  Gospel  to  these  countries.  Let  me  never,  never  be 
entangled  with  the  affairs  of  this  world,  that  I  may  please 
Him,  who  hath  called  me  to  be  a  soldier.  At  night 
wrote  sermon. 

25.  Endeavoured  to  walk  more  closely  with  God  to- 
day, by  more  frequent  prayer  and  greater  watchfulness — 
and  consequently  found  my  soul  more  serious  and 
steady.  The  thought  of  the  Mahometans  and  Heathens 
lies  very  heavy  upon  my  mind.  The  former  who  are  in 
Calcutta,  I  seem  to  think  are  consigned  to  me  by  God, 
because  nobody  preaches  in  Hindoostanee.  Employed 
the  morning  in  sermoD  and  Hindoostanee.  In  the  af- 
ternoon went  down  to  Calcutta.  In  the  boat  read 
Wrangham's  Essay  and  some  of  Mr.  Lloyd's  letters, 
when  young.  What  knowledge  have  some  believers 
of  the  deep  things  of  God!  I  felt  myself  peculiarly 
deficient  in  that  experimental  knowledge  of  Christ, 
with  which  Mr.  Lloyd  was  particularly  favoured. 
Walked  from  the  landing  pla.ce,  a  mile  and  a  half, 
through  the  native  part  of  Calcutta,  amidst  crowds  of 
orientals  of  all  nations.  How  would  the  spirit  of  St.  Paid 
have  been  moved.  The  thought  of  summoning  the  at- 
tention of  such  multitudes  appeared  very  formidable ; 
and  during  the  course  of  the  evening  was  the  occasion  of 
many  solemn  thoughts  and  prayer,  Uiat  God  would  deli- 


472  JOURNAL.  [180^ 

ver  me  from  all  softness  of  mind,  fear,  and  self-indul- 
gence, and  make  me  ready  to  suffer  shame  and  death  for 
the  name  of  the  Lord  Jesus. 

26.  Hindoostanee  and  sermon.  In  the  evening 
drove  out  with  Mr.  Brown.  My  soul  in  general  im- 
pressed with  the  awidness  of  my  missionary  work,  and 
often  shrinking  from  its  difficulties. 

27.  (Sunday.)  Read  prayers  at  the  New  Church.  Dr. 
Ward  preached.  At  night  I  preached  at  the  Missionary 
Church,  on  Ephes.  ii.  4 — 7.  My  soul  throughout  the 
day  more  disposed  to  seriousness  and  holy  conversation 
than  to  vanity  ;  yet  at  Mr.  Myers',  where  we  took  tea,  I 
was  miserably  insipid  and  unprofitable. 

28.  At  a  shop  this  morning  met  with  Captain 
S.  who  presently  entered  into  conversation  with  me; 
I  found  him  very  deranged,  yet  he  dissembled  his  dis- 
like of  me.  In  the  boat  to  Serampore,  we  read 
Mitchell's  Essay  on  '  evangelizing  India,'  and  were  much 
pleased  and  profited.  Whatever  plans  and  speculations 
may  be  agitated,  I  felt  it  my  duty  to  think  only 
of  putting  my  hand  to  the  work  without  delay.  Felt 
very  unhappy  at  having  other  work  put  upon  me,  which 
will  keep  me  from  making  progress  in  the  language. 
Nothing  but  waiting  upon  God  constantly  for  direction, 
and  an  assurance  tibat  his  never-ceasing  love  will  direct 
my  way,  would  keep  me  from  constant  vexation.  I 
scarcely  do  any  thing  in  the  language,  from  having  my 
time  so  constantly  taken  up  with  writing  sermons. 

29.  Much  of  this  morning  taken  up  in  writing  to 
Lydia.  As  far  as  my  own  views  extend,  I  fed  no  doubt 
at  all  about  the  propriety  of  the  measure — of  at  least  pro- 
posing it.  May  the  Lord,  in  continuance  of  his  loving 
kindness  to  her  and  me,  direct  her  mind,  that  if  she 
comes,  I  may  consider  it  as  a  special  gift  from  God,  and 
not  merely  permitted  by  him.  Marshman  sat  with  us  in 
the  evening,  and  as  usual  was  teeming  with  plans  for  the 
propagation  of  the  Gospel.  Staid  up  till  midnight  in 
finishing  the  letter  to  Lydia 

30.  Hindoostanee  with  Moonshee.     Felt  the  neces- 


1806]  JOURNAL.  473 

sity  of  stirring  myself  up  to  a  more  cheerful  activity  in 
conversation,  and  endeavours  to  do  any  such  good  by 
constant  exertion.  In  the  afternoon  and  at  night  think- 
ing about  sermon  i  but  my  soul  does  not  enjoy  the 
presence  of  God.  My  prayers  are  with  true  seriousness, 
but  without  affection  and  joy.  For  all  the  impurity  and 
iniquity,  and  indolence  of  my  heart,  the  Lord  I  fear 
hideth  his  face.  Oh  mercifiiUy  cleanse  me  from  all 
filthiness  of  flesh  and  spirit ! 

Serampore,  July  30^  1806. 
My  Dearest  Ltdia, 

On  a  subject  so  intimately  connected  with  my  happi- 
ness and  future  ministry,  as  that  on  which  I  am  now 
about  to  address  you,  I  wish  to  assure  you  that  I  am 
not  acting  with  precipitancy,  or  without  much  considera- 
tion and  prayer,  while  I  at  last  sit  down  to  request  you 
to  come  out  to  me  to  India. 

May  the  Lord  graciously  direct  his  blind  and  erring 
creature,  and  not  suffer  the  natural  bias  of  his  mind  to 
lead  him  astray.  You  are  acquainted  with  much  of  the 
conflict  I  have  undergone  on  your  account.  It  has  been 
greater  than  you  or  Emma  have  imagined,  and  yet  not  so 
painful  as  I  deserve  to  have  found  it  for  having  suffered 
my  affections  to  fasten  so  inordinately  on  an  earthly 
object. 

Soon,  however,  after  my  final  departure  from  Europe, 
God  in  great  mercy  gave  me  deliverance,  and  favoured 
me  throughout  the  voyage  with  peace  of  mind,  indif- 
ference about  all  worldly  connections,  and  devotedness 
to  no  object  upon  earth  but  the  work  of  Ciuist.  I  gave 
you  up  entirely — not  the  smallest  expectation  remained 
in  my  mind  of  ever  seeing  you  again  till  we  should  meet 
in  heaven  :  and  the  thought  of  this  separation  was  the 
less  painful  from  the  consolatory  persuasion  that  our 
own  Father  had  so  ordered  it  for  our  mutual  good.  I 
continued  from  that  time  to  remember  you  in  my  prayers 
only  as  a  Christian  sister,  though  one  very  dear  to  me. 
On  my  arrival  in  this  country  I  saw  no  reason  at  first  for 


474  LBTTBB.  [1806 

supposing  that  marriage  was  advisable  for  a  missionary 
— or  rather  the  subject  did 'not  oflFer  itself  to  my  mind. 
The  Baptist  Missionaries  indeed  recommended  it  and 
Mr.  Brown ;  but  not  knowing  any  proper  person  in 
this  country,  they  were  not  very  pressing  upon  the  sub- 
ject, and  I  accordingly  gave  no  attention  to  it.  After  a 
very  short  experience  and  inquiry  afterwards,  my  own 
opinions  began  to  change,  and  when  a  few  weeks  ago  we 
received  your  welcome  letter  and  others  from  Mr.  Simeon 
and  Colonel  Sandys,  both  of  whom  spoke  of  you  in  re- 
ference to  me,  I  considered  it  even  as  a  call  from  God 
to  satisfy  myself  fully  concerning  his  will.  From  the 
account  which  Mr.  Simeon  received  of  you  from  Mr. 
Thomason  he  seemed  in  his  letter  to  me  to  regret  that 
he  had  so  strongly  dissuaded  me  from  thinking  about 
you  at  the  time  of  my  leaving  England.  Colonel  Sandys 
spoke  in  such  terms  of  you,  and  of  the  advantages  to  re- 
sult from  your  presence  in  this  country,  that  Mr.  B.  be- 
came very  earnest  for  me  to  endeavour  to  prevail  upon  you. 
Your  letter  to  me  perfectly  delighted  him  and  induced 
him  to  say  that  you  would  be  the  greatest  aid  to  the 
mission  I  could  possibly  meet  with.  I  knew  my  own 
heart  too  well  not  to  be  distrustful  of  it,  especially  as  my 
affections  were  again  awakened,  and  accordingly  all  my 
labour  and  prayer  have  been  to  check  their  influence, 
that  I  might  see  clearly  the  path  of  duty. 

Though  I  dare  not  say  that  I  am  under  no  bias,  yet 
from  every  view  of  the  subject  I  have  been  able  to  take, 
after  balancing  the  advantages  and  disadvantages  that 
may  ensue  to  the  cause  in  which  I  am  engaged, 
always  in  prayer  for  God's  direction,  my  reason  is  fully 
convinced  of  the  expediency,  I  had  almost  said  the  ne- 
cessity of  having  you  with  me.  It  is  possible  that  my 
reason  may  still  be  obscured  by  passion ;  let  it  suffice 
however  to  say  that  now  with  a  safe  conscience  and  the 
enjoyment  of  the  divine  presence,  I  calmly  and  deliberately 
make  the  proposal  to  you — and  blessed  be  God  if  it  be 
not  his  will  to  permit  it ;  still  this  step  is  not  advancing 
beyond  the  limits  of  duty,  because  there  is  a, variety  of 


1806]  LETTER.  475 

ways  by  which  God  can  prevent  it,  without  suffering  any 
dishonour  to  his  cause.  If  He  shall  forbid  it,  I  tibink, 
that  by  his  grace,  I  shall  even  then  be  contented  and  re- 
joice in  the  pleasure  of  corresponding  with  you.  Your 
letter  dated  December,  1805,  was  the  first  I  received, 
(your  former  having  been  taken  in  the  Bell  Packet) — 
and  I  found  it  so  animating  that  I  could  not  but  reflect 
on  the  blessedness  of  having  so  dear  a  counsellor  always 
near  me.  I  can  truly  say,  and  God  is  my  witness, 
that  my  principal  desire  in  thi^  affair  is  that  you  may 
promote  the  kingdom  of  God  in  my  own  heart,  and  be 
the  means  of  extending  it  to  the  heathen.  My  own 
earthly  comfort  and  happiness  are  not  worth  a  moment's 
notice — I  would  not,  my  dearest  Lydia,  influence  you  by 
any  artifices  or  false  representations.  I  can  only  say 
that  if  you  have  a  desire  of  being  instrumental  in  estab- 
lishing the^  blessed  Redeemer*s  kingdom  among  these  poor 
people  and  will  condescend  to  do  it  by  supporting  the 
spirits  and  animating  the  zeal  of  a  weak  messenger  of 
the  Lord  who  is  apt  to  grow  very  dispirited  and  languid, 
"  Come,  and  the  Lord  be  with  you!**  It  can  be  nothing 
but  a  sacrifice  on  your  part,  to  leave  your  valuable 
friends  to  come  to  one  who  is  utterly  unworthy  of  you  or 
any  other  of  God's  precious  gifts — but  you  will  have 
your  reward,  and  I  ask  it  not  of  you  or  of  God  for  the 
sake  of  my  own  happiness,  but  only  on  account  of  the 
Gospel.  If  it  be  not  calculated  to  promote  it,  may  God 
in  his  mercy  withhold  it.  For  the  satisfaction  of  your 
friends,  I  should  say  that  you  will  meet  with  no  hard- 
ships. The  voyage  is  very  agreeable,  and  with  the 
people  and  country  of  India,  I  think  you  will  be  much 
pleased.  The  climate  is  very  fine — the  so  much  dreaded 
heat  is  really  nothing  to  those  who  will  employ  their 
minds  in  useful  pursuits.  Idleness  will  make  people 
complain  of  every  thing.  The  natives  are  the  most 
harmless  and  timid  creatiu-es  I  ever  met  with.  The 
whole  country  is  the  land  of  plenty  and  peace.  Were  I 
a  missionary  among  the  Esquimaux  or  Boschemen  I 
should  never  dream  of  introducing  a  female  into  such  a 


476  LETTER.  [1806 

scene  of  danger  or  hardship,  especially  one  whose  happi* 
ness  is  dearer  to  me  than  my  own, — ^but  here  there  is 
universal  tranquillity, — though  the  multitudes  are  so 
great,  that  a  missionary  needs  not  go  three  miles  from  his 
house  without  having  a  congregation  of  many  thousands. 
You  would  not  be  left  in  solitude  if  I  were  to  make  any 
distant  excursion,  because  no  chaplain  is  stationed  where 
there  is  not  a  large  English  Society.  My  salary  is 
abundantly  sufficient  for  the  support  of  a  married  man, 
the  house  and  number  of  people  kept  by  each  company's 
servant  being  such  as  to  need  no  increase  for  a  feunily 
establishment.  As  I  must  make  the  supposition  of  your 
coming,  though  it  may  be  perhaps  a  premature  liberty, 
I  should  give  you  some  directions.  This  letter  vniJl 
reach  you  about  the  latter  end  of  the  year, — ^it  would  be 
very  desirable  if  you  could  be  ready  for  the  February 
fleet,  because  the  voyage  will  be  performed  in  far  less 
time  than  at  any  other  season.  George  will  find  out  the 
best  ship  ;  one  in  which  there  is  a  lady  of  high  rank  in 
the  service  would  be  preferable.  You  are  to  be  consi- 
dered as  coming  as  a  visitor  to  Mr.  Brown,  who  will 
write  to  you  or  to  Colonel  Sandys,  who  is  best  qualified 
to  give  you  directions  about  the  voyage.  Should  I  be  up 
the  country  on  your  arrival  in  Bengal,  Mr.  Brown  will 
be  at  hand  to  receive  you,  and  you  will  find  yourself  im- 
mediately at  home.  As  it  will  highly  expedite  some  of 
the  plans  which  we  have  in  agitation  that  you  should 
know  the  language  as  soon  as  possible,  take  Gilchrist's 
Indian  stranger's  guide,  and  occasionally  on  the  voyage 
learn  some  of  the  words. 

If  I  had  room  I  might  enlarge  on  much  that  would  be 
interesting  to  you.  In  my  conversations  with  Marshman, 
the  Baptist  missionary,  our  hearts  sometimes  expand  with 
delight  and  joy  at  the  prospect  of  seeing  all  these  nations 
of  the  East  receive  the  doctrine  of  the  Cross.  He  is  a 
happy  labourer ;  and  I  only  wait,  I  trust,  to  know  the 
language  to  open  my  mouth  boldly  and  make  known  the 
mystery  of  the  Gospel.  My  romantic  notions  are  for  the 
first  time  almost  realized, — for  in  addition  to  the  beau- 


1806]  LETTER.  477 

ties  of  sylvan  scenery  may  be  seen  the  more  delightful 
object  of  mutitudes  of  simple  people  sitting  in  the  shade 
listening  to  the  words  of  eternal  life.  Much  as  yet  is  not 
done ;  but  I  have  seen  many  discover  by  their  looks  while 
Marshman  was  preaching,  that  their  hearts  were  tenderly 
affected.  My  post  is  not  yet  determined ;  we  expect  how- 
ever it  will  be  Patna,  a  civil  station,  where  I  shall  not  be 
under  military  command.  As  you  are  so  kindly  anx- 
ious about  my  health,  I  am  happy  to  say,  that  through 
mercy  my  health  is  far  better  than  it  ever  was  in 
England. 

The  people  of  Calcutta  are  very  desirous  of  keeping 
me  at  the  Mission  Church,  and  offer  to  any  evangelictd 
clergyman  a  chaplain's  salary  and  a  house  besides.  I  am 
of  course  deaf  to  such  a  proposal ;  but  it  is  strange  that 
no  one  in  England  is  tempted  by  such  an  inviting  situa- 
tion. I  am  actually  going  to  mention  it  to  cousin  T.  H. 
and  Emma.  Not,  as  you  may  suppose  with  much  hope 
of  success ;  but  I  think  that  possibly  the  chapel  at  Dock 
may  be  too  much  for  him,  and  he  will  have  here  a 
sphere  of  still  greater  importance.  As  this  will  be  sent 
by  the  Overland  Dispatch,  there  is  some  danger  of  its 
not  reaching  you ; — you  will  therefore  receive  a  dupli- 
cate, and  perhaps  a  triplicate  by  the  ships  that  will 
arrive  in  England  a  month  or  two  after.  I  cannot  write 
now  to  any  of  my  friends.  I  will  therefore  trouble  you, 
if  you  have  opportunity,  to  say  that  I  have  received  no 
letters  sii>ce  I  left  England,  but  one  from  each  of  these — 
Cousin  T.  and  Emma,  Simeon,  Sargent,  Bates — of  my 
own  family  I  have  heard  nothing.  Assure  any  of  them 
whom  you  may  see  of  the  continuance  of  my  affec- 
tionate regard — especially  dear  Emma,  I  did  not  know 
that  it  was  permitted  me  to  write  to  you — or  I  fear  she 
would  not  have  found  me  so  faithful  a  correspondent  on 
the  voyage.  As  I  have  heretofore  addressed  you  through 
her,  it  is  probable  that  I  may  be  now  disposed  to  ad- 
dressed her  through  you — or  what  will  be  best  of  all, 
that  we  both  of  us  address  her  in  one  letter  from  India. 
However,  you  shall  decide,  my  dearest  Lydia,  I  nmst  ap- 


478  LETTER.  [1806 

prove  your  determination,  becaiise  with  tl\at  spirit  of 
simple-looking  to  the  Lord,  which  we  both  endeavour  to 
maintain,  we  must  not  doubt  that  you  will  be  divinely 
directed.  .Till  I  receive  an  answer  to  this,  my  prayers 
you  may  be  assured  will  be  constantly  put  up  for  you 
that  in  this  affair  you  may  be  under  an  especial  guidance, 
and  that  in  all  your  ways  God  may  be  abundantly  glori- 
fied by  you  through  Jesus  Christ.  You  say  in  your 
letter  ^nt  frequently  every  day  you  remember  my  worth- 
less  name  before  the  throne  of  grace.  This  instance  of 
extraordinary  and  undeserved  kindness  draws  my 
heart  toward  you  with  a  tenderness  which  I  cannot 
describe.  Dearest  Lydia,  in  the  sweet  and  fond  expec- 
tation of  your  being  given  to  me  by  God,  and  of  the  hap- 
piness  which  I  humbly  hope  you  yourself  might  enjoy 
here,  I  find  a  pleasure  in  breaUiing  out  my  assurance  of 
ardent  love.  I  have  now  long  loved  you  most  affec- 
tionately, and  my  attachment  is  more  strong,  more  pure, 
more  heavenly,  because  I  see  in  you  the  image  of  Jesus 
Christ.  I  unwillingly  conclude,  by  bidding  my  beloved 
Lydia,  adieu, 

H.  Martyn. 

31.  Was  blest  with  more  of  God's  presence,  espe- 
cially in  the  afternoon,  while  reading  the  first  three 
chapters  of  Revelations.  Amidst  the  noise  and  bustle 
of  missionary  societies  and  plans,  how  .much  sweeter 
and  more  strengthening  to  have  the  soul  withdrawn 
to  God,  and  receiving  an  humble  serious  hardihood  of 
so\il.  How  much  do  I  want  this !  Wrote  sermon,  and 
read  Hindoostanee  successively  in  the  day.  At  night 
finished  Mitchell'^  excellent  essay.  Had  reason  to  be- 
lieve to-day,  that  I  should  certainly  be  sent  to  Benares, 
as  a  military  chaplain.  This  coming  with  Marshman's 
earnest  recommendation  to  me  to  begin  Sanscrit,  seems 
to  show  that  God  will  employ  me  to  strike  at  the  heart 
of  Hindooism ;  may  the  Lord  make  bare  his  holy 
arm,  and  cause  his  worm  to  behold  the  downfall  of  the 
kingdom  of  Satan. 


1806}  JOURNAL.  479 

August  I .  Set  apart  this  day  for  fasting  and  prayer : 
the  remembrance  of  my  past  sins  was  again  brought  to 
my  mind.  As  usual,  however,  I  felt  no  tender  relenting 
for  a  while,  by  which  the  Lord  led  me  to  see,  that  to 
my  other  wickednesses  I  add  that  of  an  impenitent 
.heart,  and  that  there  is  no  connection  between  a  know- 
ledge of  the  head  respecting  sin,  and  godly  sorrow  for 
it,  without  the  precious  influences  of  the  Spirit.  But  I 
found  a  degree  of  abasement  at  last,  so  as  to  desire  to 
Me  low  before  God  and  man,  and  be  the  mere  servant  of 
every  soul,  from  being  unworthy  to  be  found  among 
them.  In  prayer  for  grace  to  enable  me  to  walk  holily 
as  a  child  of  God,  my  heart  was  enlarged :  in  interceding 
for  dear  friends,  and  for  the  church  of  God,  not  so  much 
so ;  and  at  intervals  was  severely  tried  by  the  sug- 
gestions of  Satan  disposing  me  to  a  detestable  levity. 

2.  Morning  passed  in  reading  with  moonshee,  and 
looking  over  the  pre&ce  in  manuscript,  to  the  Ramayuna. 
My  soul  enjoyed  not  much  continued  sense  of  God*s 
presence,  till  the  afternoon,  when  I  received  something 
of  the  spirit  of  seriousness.  In  the  afternoon  went  to 
Calcutta  alone,  and  passed  the  time  profitably  and 
sweetly  in  solemn  thoughts.  Oh  that  I  had  always  a 
poverty  of  spirit  to  mortify  all  vaqity,  pride,  and  levity. 
Drank  tea  at  Mr.  Myers,  and  found  myself  disposed  to 
spiritual  conversation.  .  Ofliciated  at  their  evening  wor- 
ship. At  night  my  soul  rejoiced  in  the  Lord,  and  all 
that  was  within  me  praised  his  holy  name.  Felt  more 
joy  and  desire  to  preach  the  precious  gospel,  than  since 
I  have  been  in  India. 

3.  (Sunday.  At  the  new  church  read  the  second 
service,  and  assisted  at  the  Sacrament ;  hard-hearted  at 
this  feast  of  the  Lord's  dying  love.  At  night  preached 
at  missionary  church,  at  John  i.  14,  but  with  very  little 
life.  Found  on  my  return,  Mr.  B.  who  had  come  from 
Serampore,  and  stayed  up  with  him  till  a  late  hour. 

4.  Rose  in  the  night  on  account  of  Mr.  B.  who  had 
been  obliged  to  send  for  a  physician,  but  through  mercy, 
his   attack  appears    not  serious.      My   morning  was 


480  JOURNAL.  [1806 

taken  up  in  making  calls.  I  endeavoured  to  recom- 
mend the  institution  of  schools,  over  the  country,  but 
they  seemed  not  to  enter  into  the  idea.  From  Mr. 
Birch  I  learnt  that  at  the  French  settlement  of  Chan- 
demagur  there  was  a  college  of  monks,  united  under 
the  name  of  the  Thibet  mission,  but  that  none  were 
there  now.  From  Mr.  and  Mrs.  Jefferies,  I  had  such  a 
formidable  account  of  Chunar,  that  I  felt  serious  regret 
that  I  had  written  to  Lydia,  or  that  I  had  given  a 
flattering  account  of  India,  though  •undesignedl^k 
Passed  most  of  the  remainder  of  the  day  in  Mr.  Brown's 
chamber,  enjoying  at  times  very  profitable  conversation. 
My  mind  was  much  affected  with  my  want  of  humilia* 
tion,  and  tenderness  in  preaching. 

5.  A  day  of  sorrow.  I  was  tried  repeatedly,  most 
violently  with  worldly,  sensual  thoughts,  and  though  the 
grace  of  God  was  given  to  fight  against  them,  yet  they 
left  such  a  defiling  effect,  that  the  Comforter  was  with- 
drawn. Being  left  alone  in  the  afternoon,  by  the  de- 
parture of  Mr.  and  Mrs.  B.  for  Serampore,  I  was 
assisted  in  the  work  of  preparing  sermon,  and  at  night 
had  some  satisfaction,  though  mixed  with  much 
melancholy. 

6.  My  heart  wavering  in  its  state,  sometimes  in 
acute  misery,  separated  from  God  by  unbelief.  Medi- 
tate on  Song  of  Solomon  i.  7,  8^  At  the  close  of  the 
day,  my  harassed  soul  found  grace,  from  a  compassion- 
ate God,  to  be  serious  and  composed.  I  felt  withdrawn 
from  the  world,  and  disposed  in  my  frame,  to  speak  on 
holding  fellowship  with  Jesus.  There  were  very  few 
people  at  church,  and  those  not  very  attentive.  How- 
ever, I  enjoyed  peace  in  my  own  soul.  Glory  be  to 
God,  for  getting  so  far  on  my  way.  I  seem  to  be  doing 
little  good  on  earth,  but  I  trust  to  be  made  more  pro- 
fitable soon,  among  the  poor  heathen. 

7.  No  increase  of  knowledge  or  grace  to-day,  except 
that  by  a  nearer  view,  I  was  in  some  measure  convinced  • 
of  the  insignificance   of  the   idols  I  am  putting  in  Je- 
hovah's room.     It  is  only  an  imaginary  value  I  afiix  to 


1806]  JOURNAL.  481 

creatures.  What  is  there  worthy  of  the  soul's  love,  but 
Ood  ?  And  yet,  oh  Lord,  the  smallest  temptation  can 
draw  me  away  from  thee.  Received  much  comfort  from 
finding  that  I  could  understand  my  Brahmin  so  well, 
while  he  described  the  customs  of  Cashmere  and  ex- 
plained his  religious  views.  My  spirit  begins  to  ex- 
pand again  with  hope,  that  I  shall  be  able  to  carry  the 
everlasting  gospel  through  the  regions  of  the  east.  After 
dining  with  Mr.  Myers,  I  went  up  with  him  and  his 
daughter  to  Serampore.  Often  vain  and  trifling,  yet  my 
heart  felt,  while  thinking  of  the  words 

Sweet  the  moments,  rich  in  blessing. 
Which  before  the  croes  I  spend, — 

Oh  that  I  could  be  always  there,  meditating  on  the 
humiliation  and  dying  love  of  the  Lord ! 

8.  Officiated  at  morning  and  evening  worship,  with 
some  benefit  to  my  soul,  but  severely  tried  through  the 
day  with  sinful  thoughts  hiding  the  face  of  God  from 
me.  I  saw  the  absolute  necessity  at  night,  of  forcing 
my  way  through  all  my  corrupt  thoughts  and  guilt  to 
the  cross  of  Christ,  and  depending  for  all  upon  the 
grace  of  God ;  for  I  could  make  no  head  against 
them.  Employed  in  writing  sermon  all  day.  Marsh- 
man  drank  tea  with  us  ;  suggested  the  idea  of  my  going 
as  a  missionary  to  China.  I  felt  no  reluctance  to  en- 
counter dangers  and  death,  but  the  thought  of  Lydia 
occurred,  and  for  the  first  time  I  felt  a  little  entangled. 
But,  however,  I  determined  to  leave  her  at  the  call  of 
God,  being  assured  of  her  perfect  acquiescence  in  any 
thing  which  should  be  for  the  gospel :  and  seeing  the  ease 
with  which  I  could  do  it,  I.  felt  more  satisfied  in  my 
mind  than  ever  that  she  would  be  jio  hindrance  to  me. 
I  have,  however,  no  notion  whatever  of  going  thither. 
Such  a  roving  wandering  spirit,  I  conceive  to  be  highly 
unsuitable  to  a  missionary.  The  Lord  opens  a  door  in 
India,  and  the  exertions  of  English  missionaries  ought 
to  be  concentrated  there. 

9.  Went  down  to  Calcutta,  with  Mr.  Myers'  family. 

2   I 


482  JOURNAL.  [1806 

Reading  Pascal's  Thoughts  in  the  boat ;  my  thoughts 
rather  to  God-ward.  Dined  at  Mr.  Myers'.  The 
agreeable  female  society  I  meet  with  in  India  is  very 
dangerous  to  me,  by  producing  a  softness  of  mind  and 
indisposition  to  solitude  and  bold  exertion.  "  Thou 
therdTore  endure  hardness  as  a  good  soldier  of  Jesus 
Christ."  I  felt,  throxigh  mercy,  my  danger  so  near^that 
I  determined  without  hesitation  to  be  as  little  as  possible 
in  the  enjoyment  of  those  too  pleasing  comforts,  which 
are  so  enervating.  What  very,  very  little  desire  have  I 
for  marriage,  except  when  I  recollect  that  Lydia  will,  I 
hope  be  such  a  one,  that  I  may  live  as  independent  as  if 
single  !  Wrote  sermon,  and  enjoyed  much  comfort  in 
the  blessed  God.  Oh  how  preferable  is  a  taste  of 
spiritual  things,  to  every  other  enjoyment  in  the  world  ! 
'*  One  day  in  thy  courts  is  better  than  a  thousand.*' 

10.  (Sunday.)  Preached  at  the  new  church  on 
Acts  iii.  26.  before  the  Governor- General,  Sir  George 
Barlow.  There  were  not  many  present,  on  account  of 
the  excessive  closeness  of  the  day  ;  but  they  were  appa- 
rently impressed.  Dined  at  Mr.  Myers's,  and  was  much 
pleased  with  the  serious  and  suitable  conversation  to 
which  they  all  seemed  disposed,  though  I  was  mysdf 
able  to  say  nothing  to  the  purpose.  At  night  found 
benefit  to  my  soul  from  the  preparation  for  the  evening. 
Preached  at  the  Mission  church,  on  John  i.  29.  with 
some  freedom  and  power.  A  violent  squall  came  on  just 
as  I  was  beginning,  and  continued  the  whole  time  ;  by 
exerting  myself  too  much  to  be  heard  in  it  I  grew 
hoarse,  and  almost  lost  the  power  of  articulation. 

11.  I  seem  to  have  found  my  besetting  sin  to  be 
different  from  what  I  supposed ;  and  dreadful  indeed  is 
its  power.  The  afternoon  and  evening  were  spent  in 
agonizing  conflicts  with  my  corrupt  afiections.  How 
long,  oh  Lord,  shall  I  try  thy  patience  ?  Passion  sub- 
sides for  a  moment,  and  I  am  at  ease,  but  I  have  no 
power  over  my  own  heart.  I  cannot  keep  reason  and 
truth  in  view.  Yet  in  the  name  of  Grod  I  will  say,  that 
heaven  and  earth  shall  pass  away  before  I  will  yield. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  483 

The  right  hand  shall  be  cut  off,  and  the  right  eye 
pludced  out  a  thousand  times,  but  the  will  of  God 
shall  be  done.  At  night,  went  with  a  wounded  spirit 
to  Mr.  V.  to  dinner.  Found  to  my  no  great  satisfac- 
tion a  large  party  of  both  sexes,  to  all  of  whom  I  was 
introduced.  I  soon  felt  how  impossible  it  is  for  a 
minister  to  speak  boldly  to  the  people,  if  he  visits  them 
in  their  common  meetings  without  a  religious  purpose. 
Made  for  one  evening,  a  fine  gentleman  among  them ;  I 
grieved  at  the  inconsistency  of  getting  up  to  warn  them 
of  the  wickedness  of  such  a  way  of  passing  their  time* 
I  trust  it  will  be  long  enough  before  I  am  found  at 
another  such  party. 

13.  Rose  rather  unhappy  from  a  stubbornness  of 
will ;  but  in  prayer  my  soul  was  much  refreshed,  so  that 
I  felt  desirous  only  of  conformity  to  the  will  of  God. 
I  was  likewise  enabled  to  pray  for  the  outpouring  of  the 
Spirit  upon  many  of  my  Christian  friends,  that  they 
might  be  eminently  holy.  Isaiah  Ix.  and  Rev.  xxi. 
coming  together  to-day,  in  the  course  of  my  daily  read- 
ing, were  blessed  to  the  stirring  up  of  my  desires  for  a 
fervent  laboriousness  in  a  work  so  glorious  as  the 
building  of  the  temple  of  God.  Learnt  from  my  moon- 
shee  to-day,  that  from  my  knowing  the  original  it  was 
of  little  use  my  reading  the  translation  of  die  gospels, 
and  accordingly  in  reading  another  book  I  found  my- 
self much  more  backward  than  I  thought.  My  engage- 
ments at  Calcutta  begin,  I  see  plainly,  to  retard  my 
progress  very  much. 

13.  After  a  night  in  which  I  had  experienced  a 
most  piercing  pain  in  my  head,  from  having  been  ex- 
posed to  the  glare  and  heat  of  an  imdouded  meridian  sun 
for  a  few  minutes,*— I  arose  restored  by  the  goodness  of 
my  God.  If  so  small  a  benefit  appear  a  call  to  gratitude, 
how  ought  I  to  diink  of  his  mercy,  in  not  suffering 
presumptuous  sin  to  get  the  dominion  over  me  I  Em- 
ployed ,  with  moonshee,  and  preparing  for  the  evening  : 
I  make  no  progress  in  the  language,  but  rather  go  back- 
ward.    My  soul  has  been  serious  and  comfortable.     At 

2  12 


484  JOURNAL.  [1806 

Mr.  Myers's,  enjoyed  refreshing  conversation  on  the 
happiness  of  seeing  the  conversion  pf  the  natives. 
Preached  at  night  at  the  Mission  church  on  Matt, 
iii.  21 — 23.  to  a  small  congregation.  The  people 
seenoed  stirred  up  to  serious  concern. 

14.  Employed  with  moonshee,  and  in  writing  to 
Mr.  Simeon.  Dined  at  Mr.  Myers\  Rode  out  in  the 
evening  on  the  course ;  my  soul  not  serious  through  the 
day ;  irregularity  in  secret  duties  injured  my  peace. 

15.  Attended  Lord  Lake's  levee  with  a  prodigious 
crowd  of  military  officers,  &c.  It  was<as  trifling  as  the 
Governor  General's.  After  the  levee,  went  to  Seram- 
pore.  The  length  of  time  they  took  to  carry  me  in  the 
boat,  through  die  mismanagement  of  the  mangee,  made 
my  wicked  spirit  shew  itself  by  impatience.  How  far 
the  Spirit  of  God  flies  from  an  angry  mind  1  I  did  not 
like  being  alone,  either,  though  I  had  the  word  of  God 
with  me.  Oh  what  a  preparation  is  this  for  being  a 
missionary  1  How  ease  and  prosperity  spoil  the  temper,, 
and  go  to  ruin  the  soul  1  In  prayer  in  the  afternoon,  I 
breathed  for  a  while  after  humility,  and  holiness  ;  but 
at  night,  in  conversation  with  Mr.  B.  and  Mr.  Ward,  I 
again  discovered  a  passionate  spirit.  Lord,  save  me 
from  presumptuous  sins,  that  they  may  not  after  all 
get  the  dominion  over  me.  What  matters  it  to  me  that 
I  seem  to  engage  in  plans  for  the  conversion  of  the 
heathen,  if  I  do  not  teach  myself!  When  I  considered 
myself  a  solitary  unconnected  being,  hastening  through 
the  world,  I  think  I  was  more  patient,  less  self-willed. 
Have  the  thoughts  of  marriage  already  injured  me  ?  The 
Lord  save  his  perverse  creature  from  every  snare. 

16.  Was  fiill  of  joy  and  praise  this  morning,  but 
yielding  to  the  snares  of  sin  afterwards  brought  a  doud 
of  guilt  and  shame;  and  in  the  evening,  though  my 
conscience  was  sprinkled  with  the  blood  of  Jesus,  yet  I 
could  only  walk  carefully  and  mournfully.  I  never  had 
a  more  fair  opportunity  of  comparing  the  pleasm^s  of 
sin  and  holiness  than  this  day.  In  the  morning,  I  was 
saying  to  myself,  '  Now  how  sweet  and  happy  is  this 


1806]  JOURNAL.  485 

frame ;  can  atiy  thin'^  on  earth  equal  it  ?  Let  me  see 
the  extreme  folly  of  giving  way  to  sinfiil  thoughts.  *  Yet 
after  all  this  happy  experience,  and  these  reasonings,  I 
did  give  away  to  certain  sinful  imaginations,  and  though 
it  was  but  as  it  were  for  a  moment,  my  joys  fled,  and  I 
could  recover  them  no  more  for  the  day.  I  bless  the 
Lord  that  thus  he  teaches  me  the  evil  of  sin,  and  I  bless 
and  adore  his  patience  that  bears  with  so  much  wicked- 
ness and  perverseness.  Did  little  or  nothing  to-day. 
Employed  partly  in  turning  over  Butler,  to  abridge ; 
and  putting  down  thoughts  on  a  text.  Marshroan  came 
in  at  night,  and  said  so  much  of  the  necessity  of  my 
remaining  at  Calcutta,  that  though  I  was  not  nearly 
convinced,  I  was  made  somewhat  uneasy  by  distraction. 
Found  relief  where  only  I  ever  find  it,  in  prayer  that 
God  would  give  me  that  peace  which  passeth  under- 
standing.  It  is  a  pleasure  to  cease  from  man  whose 
breath  is  in  his  nostrils. 

17.  (Sunday.)  After  much  perplexity  and  discus- 
sion,  whether  I  should  or  should  not  go  down  to  Cal- 
cutta, it  was  determined  that  Mr.  B.,  though  ill,  should 
go.  In  this  instance  at  least  I  felt  no  reluctance  to 
labour,  and  I  desired  to  be  forward  in  the  service  of  God. 
After  officiating  at  family  worship,  I  retired  to  my 
pagoda  and  passed  the  time  in  a  sorrowfrd  conflict  with 
my  unruly  affections. 

18.  Employed  all  day  in  writing  sermon. 

19.  Writing  and  reading  with  moonshee,  but  made 
little  advantage  of  the  time ;  less  under  the  power  of 
corruption.  In  the  evening  had  a  long  conversation 
with  Marshman,  on  the  expediency  of  my  fixing  at  Cal- 
cutta, on  account  of  its  being  the  seat  of  influence.  He 
was  very  earnest  as  usual.  His  arguments  are  these ; 
That  very  many  would  be  probably  converted  under  my 
ministry  :  That  I  shoidd  be  able  to  form  and  perpetuate 
a  society  for  superintending- missions  :  That  the  nearness 
of  the  Baptist  missionaries  at  Serampore  Would  be  of 
mutual  advantage  for  counsel  and  encouragement :  That 
there  would  be  a  more  ready  communication  with  En<^ 


486  JOURNAL.  [1806 

gland :  That  I  might  be  of  use  in  aiding  and  directing 
bodies  of  missionaries,  who  might  be  brought  to  Seram- 
pore;  and  that  I  might  more  advantageously  pursue 
oriental  learning :  but  that  if  I  went  up  the  coimtry, 
all  my  usefulness  would  be  confined  to  my  individual 
labours  ;  that  it  would  be  two  years  before  I  could  be 
understood ;  that  many  more  years  would  dapse  before 
success ;  that  witli  all  this,  I  ediould  probably  droop  and 
lose  my  spirits.  I  was  much  perplexed,  and  so  excited 
that  I  could  get  little  sleep. 

20.  Again  "greatly  distressed  with  a  sense  of  guilt ; 
Satan  seemed  to  be  forcing  my  soul  from  God.  Em* 
ployed  as  usual  with  moonshee,  and  in  writing  sermon. 
In  the  evening,  in  the  exercise  of  f&ith  and  prayer,  I 
found  peace  of  conscience,  and  my  soul  breathed  after 
conformity  to  God.  Afterwards  attended  the  reading  of 
the  Hindoostanee  Testament^  by  Marshman,  vrith  a 
pundit  and  a  moonshee. 

21.  Writing  and  employed  with  moonshee.  Went 
on  with  Marshman  and  his  assistants  in  the  Hindoos- 
tanee gospels.  A  large  Gobra-di-Capella  was  brought 
to  me,  which  had  been  taken  in  the  walks ;  a  person 
would  not  survive  the  bite  two  minutes  I  was  told. 
How  constant  is  the  preserving  providence  of  God  I 
and  by  how  small  means  he  can  suddenly  transport  us 
into  eternity !  Marshman  spent  the  evening  with  us.  I 
felt  very  lively,  but  as  usual  at  such  times,  prone  to 
levity. 

22.  Disturbed  by  Marshman  and  Ward  running 
into  the  pagoda,  in  pursuit  of  a  poor  boy  who  had  been 
carried  off  in  a  boat  by  a  party  of  his  friends,  headed  by 
a  Brahmin,  for  staying  with  the  missionaries,  inquiring 
about  the  gospel.  Their  boats  overtook  the  kidnappers, 
and  rescued  the  lad.  Read  several  papers  of  Mr.  B — 's 
on  missionary  subjects,  and  wrote  down  a  vocabulary 
of  Cashmerian  words.  Wrote  a  duplicate  of  the  letter 
to  Lydia.  Heard  of  the  arrival  of  two  new  missionaries, 
for  which  I  feel  thankful,  but  found  at  night  that  I  have 
very  little  of  a  missionary  spirit.     It  is  an  awful  and 


1806]  JOURNAL.  487 

arduous  thing   to  renounce  ev^ry  affection  to   earthly 
things,  so  as  to  live  for  another  world. 

23.  Morning  employed  as  usual.  In  the  afternoon 
went  alone  to  Calcutta.  In  the  boat  sought  after  the 
presence  of  God,  and  found  my  heart  refreshed  and 
comforted. 

24.  (Sunday.)  At  the  new  church,  Mr.  Jefferies 
preached.  I  preached  in  the  evening  on  Matt.  xi.  28, 
without  much  heart,  yet  the  people  as  attentive  as 
possible. 

25.  Called  on  Mr.  Limerick  and  Mr.  Birch  ;  with  the 
latter  I  had  a  good  deal  of  conversation  on  the  practi- 
cability of  establishing  schools,  and  uniting  in  a  society. 
An  officer,  who  was  there,  took  upon  him  to  call  in 
question  the  lawfulness  of  interfering  with  the  religion 
of  the  natives,  and  said  that  at  Delhi  the  Christians 
were  some  of  the  worst  people  there.  I  was  glad  at  the 
prospect  of  meeting  with  these  Christians.  The  Lord 
enabled  me  to  speak  boldly  to  the  man,  and  to  silence 
him.  From  thence  I  went  to  the  Governor-General's 
levee,  and  received  great  attention  from  him,  as  indeed 
from  most  others  here.  Perhaps  it  is  a  snare  of  Satan  to 
stop  my  mouth,  and  make  me  unwilling  to  preach  faith- 
fully to  them.  The  Lord  have  mercy  and  quicken  me 
to  diligence. 

26.  Employed  all  day  in  writing,  and  in  general 
dejected,  partly  from  bodily  disorder  and  want  of  sleep 
for  two  or  three  nights.  At  night  Marshman  came, 
and  our  conversation  was  very  refreshing  and  profit- 
able. Truly  the  love  of  God  is  the  happiness  of  the 
soul  1  My  soyl  felt  much  sweetness  at  this  thought, 
and  breathed  after  God.  At  midnight  Marshman  came 
to  the  pagoda,  and  awakened  me  with  the  information, 
that  Sir  G.  Barlow  had  sent  word  to  Carey,  not  to  dis- 
perse any  more  tracts  nor  send  out  more  native  brethren, 
or  in  any  way  interfere  with  the  prejudices  of  the  natives. 
We  did  not  know  what  to  make  of  this ;  the  subject  so 
excited  me  that  I  was  again  deprived  of  necessary 
sleep. 


488  JOURNAL.  [1806 

27.  Wrote  sermon  in  the  morning  ;  in  the  afternoon 
moonshee  came  and  told  me,  that  at  Agra  I  should  not 
be  able  to  preach,  because  the  English  territory  was  so 
small  and  surrounded  by  the  enemy,  and  that  the  coun- 
try was  in  a  disturbed  state.  He  said  the  best  places 
for  me  were  Benares,  Patna,  or  Moorshedabad ;  for  these 
would  be  disposed  to  listen  to  me.  He  gave  me  some 
instances  of  the  cruelty  of  the  native  powers,  towards 
servants  of  the  English,  and  said  he  did  not  doubt  but 
they  would  maim  or  murder  me,  without  regard  to  my 
pacific  character.  The  subject  dwelt  with  some  influ- 
ence on  my  mind.  Alas !  who  knows  what  I  have  yet 
to  go  through  upon  earth  ?  It  was  not  long  since  that  a 
Roman  Catholic  missionary  was  murdered  at  Delhi  by  the 
Mussulmans;  yet  I  hope  to  preach  the  gospel  there. 
The  Lord  knows  my  weakness,  and  will  give  me  grace 
in  the  trying  hour  to  die  for  the  name  of  the  Lord 
Jesus. 

28.  Enjoyed  much  comfort  in  my  soul  this  morn- 
ing, and  ardour  for  my  work;  but  afterwards  con- 
sciousness of  indolence  and  unprofitableness  made  me 
uneasy.  In  the  evening  Mr.  Marshman,  Ward,  Moore, 
and  Rowe,  came  up  and  talked  with  us  oi^  the  Gover- 
nor's prohibition  of  preaching  the  gospel,  &c.  Mr. 
Brown's  advice  was  full  of  wisdom,  and  weighed  with 
them  all.  I  was  exceedingly  excited,  and  spoke  with 
vehemence  against  the  measures  of  government,  which 
afterwards  filled  me  justly  with  shame.  (See  Memoir, 
p.  189.) 

29.  Passed  the  morning  in  writing  sermon,  after- 
wards with  moonshee ;  both  morning  and  evening  felt 
much  humbled.  I  felt  a  sort  of  pleasure  in  being 
despised  and  slighted  by  all.  mankind.  Moonshee  was 
telling  me  of  the  danger  of  preaching  in  any  part  of 
India  beyond  Benares,  where  the  country  had  not  been 
long  in  the  possession  of  the  English.  I  was  somewhat 
intimidated,  and  dejected  at  the  thought  of  a  violent  and 
cruel  death.  But  oh,  how  sweet  did  every  comfortable 
passage  in  the  word  of  God  appear,  while  reading  it 


1806]  LBTTBB.  489 

under  this  impression.     He  is  my  friend  who  is  exalted 
as  head  over  alL 

30.  Went  down  to  Calcutta  in  the  morning ;  able 
to  do  little  or  nothing  from  constant  sleepiness.  In  the 
afternoon  wrote  part  of  a  sermon  for  to-morrow.  The 
heat  of  the  college,  to  which  we  this  day  removed,  was 
very  oppressive.  Took  an  airing  with  Mr.  B.  in  the  car- 
riage, and  drank  tea  with  Mr.  Myers. 

31.  (Sunday.)  Preached  in  the  morning  at  the 
new  church,  on  the  condemnation  of  the  law,  from 
Rom.  iii.  19.  There  was  much  solemn  attention,  and  my 
spirit  was  lifted  up  above  the  concern  of  men's  opinions. 
That  old  servant  of  God,  Capt.  W.,  dined  with  us,  and 
our  conversation  was  spiritual.  What  he  said  at  going 
away  about  the  Holy  Spirit,  and  the  necessity  of  having 
him  with  us,  dwelt  much  upon  my  mind.  At  night,  at 
the  Mission  church,  preached  on  Isaiah  iv.  5.  The 
safety  of  the  church  had  been  a  subject  very  delightful 
add  reviving,  when  preparing ;  but  I  spoke  with  little 
feeling. 

September  1.  Rose  very  weary  after  a  sleepless  night, 
and  more  troubled  on  account  of  the  sinfulness  of  my 
thoughts.  Found  deliverance  in  prayer  ;  the  holy  breath- 
ings of  the  Psalmist  in  Psalm  cxix,  were  also  made  pro- 
fitable for  me  :  I  learnt  that  I  should  probably  be  sent  to 
Berhampore,  only  two  days'  distance  from  Calcutta. 

Serampore^  Sept.  1,  1806. 
My  dearest  Lydia, 
With  this  you  will  receive  the  duplicate  of  the  letter 
I  sent  you  a  month  ago,  by  the  overland  dispatch.  May 
it  find  you  prepared  to  come  1  All  the  thoughts  and 
views  which  I  have  had  of  the  subject  since  first  address- 
ing you,  add  tenfold  confirmation  to  my  first  opinion  ; 
and  I  trust  that  the  blessed  God  will  graciously  make  it 
appear  that  I  have  been  acting  under  a  right  direction, 
by  giving  the  precious  gift  to  me  and  to  the  church  in 
India.  I  sometimes  regret  that  I  had  not  obtained  a 
promise  from  you  of  following  me,  at  the  time  of  our 


490  LBTTBR.  [1806 

last  parting  at  Giirlyn — as  I  am  occasionally  apt  to  be 
excessively  impatient  at  the  long  delay.  Many,  many 
months  must  elapse  before  I  can  see  you  or  even  hear 
how  you  shall  determine.  The  instant  your  mind  is 
made  up,  you  will  send  a  letter  by  the  overland  dis- 
patch. George  will  let  you  know  how  it  is  to  be  pie- 
pared,  as  the  Company  have  given  some  printed  direc* 
tions.  It  is  a  consolation  to  me  during  this  long 
suspense,  that  had  I  engaged  with  you  before  my  de- 
parture I  should  not  have  had  such  a  satisfietctory  con- 
viction of  it  being  the  will  of  God.  The  commander 
in  chief  is  in  doubt  to  which  of  the  three  following 
stations  he  shall  appoint  me,  Benares,  Patna,  or  Moor- 
shedabad ;  it  will  be  the  last  most  probably  ;  this  is 
only  two  days  journey  from  Calcutta ;  I  shall  take  my 
departure  in  about  six  weeks.  In  the  hour  that  remains, 
I  must  endeavour  to  write  to  my  dear  sister  Emma,  and 
to  Sally.  By  the  fleet  which  will  sail  hence  in  about 
two  months,  they  will  receive  longer  letters.  You  will 
then,  I  hope,  have  left  England.  I  am  very  happy  here 
in  preparing  for  my  delightful  work,  but  I  should  be 
happier  still  if  I  were  sufficiently  fluent  in  the  language 
to  be  actually  employed  ;  and  happiest  of  all  if  my  be- 
loved Lydia  were  at  my  right  hand,  counselling  and 
animating  me.  I  am  not  very  willing  to  end  my  letter 
to  you  ;  it  is  difficult  not  to  prolong  the  enjoyment  of 
speaking,  as  it  were,  to  one  who  occupies  so  much  of  my 
sleeping  and  waking  hours  ;  but  here,  alas  !  I  am  aware 
of  danger ;  and  my  dear  Lydia  will,  I  hope,  pray  that 
her  unworthy  friend  may  love  no  creature  inordinately. 
It  will  be  base  in  me  to  depart  in  heart  from  a  God 
of  such  love  as  I  find  him  to  be.  Oh  that  I  could  make 
some  returns  for  the  riches  of  his  love  1  Swiftly  fly  the 
hours  of  life  away,  and  then  we  shall  be  admitted  to  be* 
hold  his  glory.  The  ages  of  darkness  are  rolling  fast 
away,  and  shall  soon  usher  in  the  gospel  period  when 
the  whole  world  shall  be  filled  with  his  glory.  Oh  my 
beloved  sister  and  friend,  dear  to  me  on  every  ac- 
count, but  dearest  of  all  for  having  one  heart  and  one 


1806]  J017&NAI..  491 

Bovi  with  me  in  the  cause  of  Jesus  and  the  love  of 
God,  let  us  pray  and  rejoice,  and  rejoice  and  pray,  that 
God  may  be  glorified,  and  the  dying  Saviour  see  of  the 
travail  of  his  soul.  May  the  God  of  hope  fill  us  with 
idl  joy  and  peace  in  believiug,  that  we  may  both  of  us 
abound  in  hope  through  the  powo:  of  the  Holy  Ghost. 
Now,  my  dearest  Lydia,  I  cannot  say  what  I  fed — ^I 
cannot  pour  out  my  soul — I  could  not  if  you  were  here ; 
but  I  pray  that  you  may  love  me,  if  it  be  the  will  of 
God ;  and  I  pray  that  God  may  make  you  more  and 
more  his  child,  and  give  me  more  and  more  love  for  all 
that  is  Godlike  and  holy. 

I  remain,  with  fervent  afiection. 

Yours,  in  eternal  bonds, 

H.  Martyn. 

2.  Employed  the  first  part  of  the  day  in  writing 
letters  to  England.  My  heart  seemed  to'be  kindled  with 
love  to  God  while  writing  to  Lydia,  but  I  know  not  how 
far  it  was  pure.     Afterwards  with  moonshee. 

3.  Much  of  the  morning  passed  at  the  mission 
house,  looking  over  the  new  books.  Read  the  Report 
of  the  Church  Missionary  Society,  and  a  number  of 
missionary  reports.  Attended  Marshman  in  the  even- 
ing ;  he  talked  to  me  a  good  deal  of  the  jealousies  and 
envies  of  the  different  missionary  societies,  till  I  was 
quite  harassed,  and  even  disgusted  vnth  the  accounts. 
Oh  what  mischief  to  the  cause  of  Grod  will  Satan  pro- 
duce from  this  !  Oh  how  tiresome  it  is  to  look  to  men, 
and  think  of  men,  and  their  plans  !  Oh  let  me  walk 
more  and  more  alone  with  the  holy  God,  and  in  his 
light  and  love  walk  humbly  in  the  appointed  path 
through  the  world,  and  long  to  depart  and  be  with 
Christ,  which  is  far  better ! 

4.  Tried  with  violent  temptation.  I  can  see  no  fit 
emblem  of  my  soul,  but  the  burning  bush.  I  may  well 
be  amazed,  at  the  close  of  each  day,  that  I  am  not  given 
up  to  the  power  of  Satan  and  sin.  God  inwardly  sup- 
ports my  soul,  and  Christ  fulfils  his  precious  word ; ''  my 


492  JOURNAL.  [1806 

grace  is  sufficient  for  thee."  Passed  the  morning  with 
moonshee,  reading  preface  to  the  Gulistan.  Began  in 
the  afternoon  to  write  to  dear  Sargent  Had  much  dis- 
cussion with  rooonshee  about  religion.  Heard  at  night 
from  Mr.  B.  that  some  people  were  much  stung  with 
what  they  heard  from  me  on  the  last  Lord's  day. 
Would  that  they  were  pricked  to  the  heart  and  would  cry 
for  mercy  I  I  feel  them  to  be  much  upon  my  heart ;  and 
oh  that  I  had  love  to  cry  for  them  more  fervently  ! 

5.  Day  passed  in  the  same  employment  as  usual ; 
reading  Hmdoostanee  with  moonshee  and  by  myself,  and 
writing  to  Sargent ;  went  on  with  Marshman  in  the 
review  of  the  translation ;  he  drank  tea  with  us  in  the 
evening. 

6.  Morning  with  moonshee ;  in  the  afternoon  went 
down  to  Calcutta,  reading  to  him  by  the  way.  Found 
continuance  and  increase  in  comfort  by  frequency  and 
regularity  in  prayer.  At  night  dined  at  Mr.  Udney's> 
and  passed  the  time  very  agreeably ;  his  heart  seemed 
very  lively  and  warm  in  the  cause  of  God. 

7.  (Sunday.)  Read  at  the  new  church,  and  Dr.  W. 
preached  on  the  different  degrees  of  future  happiness, 
from  which  he  proceeded  to  attack  my  doctrines,  and  my 
last  sermon  in  particular.  We  received  the  sacrament 
of  the  Lord's  Supper,  and  I  was  glad  of  the  blessed 
ordinance,  as  it  tended  much  to  compose  my  mind,  and 
to  soften  it  to  compassion  and  love  towards  all  mankind. 
Preached  at  night  at  the  Mission  church,  on  Mark 
viii.  34,  35. 

8.  Left  Calcutta  before  day,  and  went  to  Seram- 
pore.  Was  exceedingly  oppressed  in  my  spirits,  that 
the  cause  of  Satan  and  lies  should  be  suffered  to  prevail. 
At  night,  my  soul  found  it  solemnizing  and  composing 
to  view  death  near  at  hand.  Alas  !  how  insignificant, 
how  short-lived  are  the  cares  of  men,  the  opposition  of 
the  enemies  of  the  church,  and  the  sufferings  she  un- 
dergoes ! 

9.  Continued  to  read  Overton,  and  Sadee  with 
moonshee :  the  latter  part  of  the  day  my  soul  was  in 


1806]  JOURNAL.  493 

misery  through  consciousness  of  guilt.  Oh  that  I  should 
be  so  wicked  as  to  try  the  patience  of  God  in  the  way 
I  do  !  Notwithstanding  that  I  found  some  ease  in  apply- 
ing to  the  blood  of  Jesus,  and  crying  for  the  Holy 
regenerating  Spirit,  a  gloom  constantly  gathered  on  my 
mind  ;  no  sweet  refreshing  thoughts  of  the  other  world 
came  into  my  mind  ;  what  reason  have  I  to  cry,  **  Take 
not  thy  Holy  Spirit  from  me." 

10.  Went  down  to  Calcutta  with  Mr.  B.  and  passed 
the  day  in  reading  Hindpostanee  grammar,  and  writing 
letters. 

11.  Came  up  to  Serampore  in  the  morning.  Two 
of  the  missionaries  came  at  night,  and  talked  with  us  a 
long  time,  till  late,  about  their  plans,  &c.  in  conse- 
quence of  the  police  having  ordered  the  two  new  mis- 
sionaries to  return  home.  I  was  quite  wearied  with 
hearing  of  religion  only  in  its  outward  circumstances, 
and  longed  to  hear  a  word  from  a  broken-hearted  soul, 
whp  had  never  heard  the  name  of  mission. 

12.  In  a  sorrowful  state  of  mind,  arising  more  from 
bodily  causes  than  inward  conflictii  and  therefore  my 
soul  found  more  pleasure  in  God  than  in  any  person  or 
thing.  Even  about  Lydia  I  felt  exceedingly  indifferent, 
and  wished  only  to  fulfil  as  a  hireling  my  day,  and  then 
to  bid  adieu  to  a  world  so  full  of  vanity  and  vexation  of 
spirit.  Employed  all  day  in  writing  letters ;  Marshman 
and  Captain  Wickes  dined  with  us,  but  I  had  no  inclina- 
tion to  join  in  the  conversation.  Oh  how  much  talking 
is  there  to  littie  purpose  !  I  am  tired  with  specula- 
tions, and  making  remarks  upon  missionary  things ;  I 
want  to  be  doing,  and  not  till  then  shall  I  be 
satisfied. 

13.  Went  down  to  Calcutta  with  Mr.  B.  and  Mrs. 
Myers.  By  reading  and  thinking  a  littie  on  Psalm  cxlv. 
my  soul  was  kindled  into  more  love  and  joy  than  I 
generally  experience ;  and  our  conversation  was  in  some 
degree  spiritual  and  refreshing.  Heard  of  the  arrival  of 
Corrie  an'd  Parsons  at  Madras,  and  of  my  appointment  to 
Dinapore.     In  the  evening  rode  out  with  Mr.  B.,  and  af* 


494  LBTTBR.  [1806 

terwards  drank  tea  with  two  of  the  missionaries  and 
their  wives  at  Mr.  Myers'.  Some  symptoms  of  a  com- 
plaint, which  at  this  time  of  the  year  is  dangerous,  were 
the  means  of  producing  serious  reflection  on  my  being 
in  an  instant  called  away  from  all  these  things  which  so 
strongly  excite  my  feelings.  **  Let  your  moderation  be 
known  unto  aU  men :  the  Lord  is  at  hand." 

14.  (Sunday.)  Rose  stupid  and  unwell  after  a  sleep- 
less night  At  the  New  Church  Mr.  J.  began  to  read  a 
homily  by  way  of  samon,  after  a  preface  stating  the  di- 
versity of  opinions  that  had  of  late  appeared  in  the 
pulpit.  At  the  Mission  Church  at  night  I  felt  very  un- 
well, and  unfit  to  preach,  but  I  was  enabled  to  go  on 
without  hesitation  from  3  Cor.  vi.  17)  18. 

Sept.  14,  1806. 
My  Dbar  Sargbnt, 
It  is  now  four  months  since  I  landed  in  this  country, 
but  I  have  seen  little  more  of  it  than  what  lies  between 
Serampore  and  Calcutta ;  and  the  little  time  that  can  be 
spent  out  of  doora«a£fords  very  small  opportunities  of 
acquiring  local  knowledge.     My  whole  employment  is 

preparing  sermons  and  learning  the  language.      ^         * 

*♦##**«* 

I  have  grievous  complaints  to  make,  that  the  immense 
work  of  translating  die  services  into  the  language  of  the 
East  is  left  to  Dissenters,  who  cannot  in  ten  years  supply 
the  want  of  what  we  gain  by  a  classical  education  * 

*  •  ♦  Suppose  D.  F.  &c.  would  devote  ten  or 
fifteen  years  of  their  lives  in  this  country  to  the  sole  work  of 
getting  the  Scriptures  translated  into  some  of  the  lan- 
guages of  the  East,  they  might  accomplish  it  easily,  and 
they  would  very  soon  be  able  to  superintend  the  learned 
natives  who  should  be  employed  in  the  work.  Were  not 
the  zeal  of  our  forefathers  almost  evaporated  in  these 
times,  a  body  of  pious  and  learned  young  dergymen 
would  come  forth  with  joy  to  so  glorious  a  work  *  * 
***  #«««*        You 

address  me  as  a  missionary,  and  as  if  there  were  hard* 


1806]  JOURNAL.  496 

ships  in  my  way-— externally  there  are  none,  except 
temptations  may  be  called  so,  as  perhaps  they  ought  to 
be.  The  air  is  so  soft  and  serene  that  you  might  sleep 
at  night  under  a  tree,  and  maintenance  so  easy  that  a 
wholesome  meal  may  be  purchased  for  a  farthing  or 
two.         ««««          #«#* 

I  am  this  day  appointed  to  Dinapore,  in  the  neighbour- 
hood of  Patna. 

With  great  regard,  I  remain,  my  dear  brother. 
Sincerely  your's, 

H.  M. 

15.  Still  unwell,  and  found  it  hard  to  fix  my 
thoughts  in  prayer.  My  heart  was  wounded  again  at 
finding  the  necessity  of  tearing  the  affections  away  from 
the  creature.  Oh  what  a  state  is  human  life  become 
from  the  corruption  of  the  heart  1  If  affliction  be  our 
lot,  the  soul  must  pause  at  the  pain ;  if  otherwise,  the 
heart  cleaves  to  an  idol,  and  then  causes  the  pain  of  se- 
paration. Called  with  Mr.  B.  on  Mr.  Udney,  then  went 
up  with  him  to  Serampore,  and  passed  much  of  the  af- 
ternoon in  reading  with  him  a  series  of  newspapers  from 
England.  How  affecting  to  think,. how  the  fashion  of 
this  world  passeth  awayl  What  should  I  do  without 
Christ  as  an  everlasting  portion!  How  vain  is  life, 
how  mournful  is  death,  and  what  is  eternity  without 
Christ !  In  the  evening  Marshman  and  Ward  came 
to  us.  By  endeavouring  to  recollect  myself  as  be- 
fore God,  I  found  more  comfort,  and  was  enabled  to 
shew  more  propriety  in  conversation. 

16%  Passed  the  day  with  moonshee  in  Hindoostanee 
and  writing  sermon.     In  the  evening  wrote  to  Lydia. 

17.  The  blaze  of  a  funeral  pile  this  morning  near  the 
pagoda  drew  my  attention — I  ran  out,  but  the  unfor- 
tunate woman  had  committed  herself  to  the  flames  before 
I  arrived.  The  remains  of  the  two  bodies  were  visible. 
At  night,  while  I  was  at  the  missionaries*,  Mr.  Chamber^ 
lain  arrived  fi-om  up  the  country.  Just  as  we  rejoiced  at 
the  thought  of  seeing  him  and  his  wife,  we  found  she  had 


496  JOURNAL.  [1806 

died  in  the  boat  I  I  do  not  know  when  I  was  so  shocked ; 
my  soul  revolted  at  every  thing  in  this  world, '  which 
God  has  so  marked  with  misery — the  effect  of  sin.  I  felt 
reluctance  to  engage  in  every  worldly  connection.  Mar- 
riage seemed  terrible !  by  exposing  one  to  the  agonizing 
sight  of  a  wife  dying  in  such  circumstances. 

18.  Was  still  solemnly  impressed  throughout  the 
day.  Employed  in  writing  sermon  and  reading  Sadi 
with  moonshee.. 

19.  Happy  ail  day  in  the  love  of  God.  By  more 
carefulness  over  my  thoughts,  and  seeking  him  in  ejacu* 
lations,  I  was  raised  through  grace  above  temptation.  • 

20.  Went  down  to  Calcutta  with  Mr.  Brown,  where 
soon  after  our  arrival  we  had  the  happiness  of  meeting 
our  dear  brethren  Corrie  and  Parsons.  I  rode  out  with 
them  in  the  evening  on  the  course,  and  passed  most  of 
the  time  in  conversation  about  European  friends. 

21.  (Sunday.)  Preached  at  the  New  Church  from 
Rom.  iii.  19,  21,  on  justification  by  faith,  and  vindi- 
cated myself  by  shewing  that  all  that  I  had  advanced 
was  agreeable  to  the  Church  of  England.  The  sermon 
had  the  effect  of  convincing,  or  .at  least,  of  shutting  the 
mouths  of  gain-sayers.  The  Lord  .enabled  me  to  feel 
what  I  told  them,  when  I  said,  '^  To  me  it  is  a  small 
matter  to  be  judged  of  you  or  of  man's  judgment."  .  I 
felt  great  indifference  about  every  thing  in  the  world. 
At  night  preached  on  Acts  xii.  the  jailor's  question ; 
but  felt  less  than  I  ever  did  when  preaching  on  that  sub- 
ject. Thus  God  in  love  shews  his  ignorant  and  vain 
creature  that  it  is  '*  Not  by  might,  nor  by  power,  but  by 
my  Spirit."  After  church  my  soul  was  full  of  joy  and 
love,  especially  when  three  of  the  missionaries  joined  us. 
I  longed  that  we  might  have  no  conversation  but  what 
was  spiritual. 

22.  Went  with  my  two  brethren  to  the  fort,  and 
called  in  the  town  on  Major  and  Mr.  Jefferies.  Saw  in 
the  orderly  book,  that  Dr.  W.  and  myself  were  ordered 
to  repair  to  our  respective  stations  widiout  delay.  After 
dinner  went  up  to  Serampore,  leaving- Parsons  in  Cal- 


1806]  tBTTER.  497 

cutta.  Two  of  the  missionaries  went  up  with  us.  I 
earnestly  desired  suitable  conversation;  and  we  sung 
some  hymns  with  joy. 

23.  Reading  Sadi  with  moonshee.  My  mind  in 
general  in  peace. 

24.  Went  down  to  Calcutta  with  Mr.  Brown  and 
Corrie,  and  found  letters.  My  affections  of  love  and  joy 
were  so  excited  by  them  that  it  was  almost  too  much  for 
my  poor  frame.  My  dearest  Lydia's  assurances  of  her 
love  were  grateM  enough  to  my  heart — but  they  left 
somewhat  of  a  sorrowful  effect,  occasioned  T  believe 
chiefly  from  a  fear  of  her  suffering  in  any  df  gree,  and 
partly  from  the  long  time  and  distance  that  separate  us, 
and  uncertainty  if  ever  we  shall  be  permitted  to  meet 
one  another  in  this  world.  In  the  evening  the  Lord  gave 
me  near  and  close  and  sweet  communion  with  him  on 
this  subject,  and  enabled  me  to  commit  the  affair  with 
comfort  into  his  hands.  Why  did  I  ever  doubt  his 
love  ?  Does  He  not  love  us  far  better  than  we  love  one 
another.?  Called  this  morning  on  L.,  but  found  no  op- 
portunity of  speaking  to  him  as  I  intended  about  his 
doctrines.  Walked  in  the  evening  on  the  top  of  the 
house*  with  Corrie,  and  had  some  refreshing  conversa- 
tion.    At  the  Mission  church.  Brown  preached. 

25.  Went  to  Serampore  with  Mr.  B.  and  Parsons;  in 
the  afternoon  read  with  moonshee ;  enjoyed  much  of  the 
solemn  presence  of  God,  .the  whole  day  had  many  happy 
seasons  in  prayer,  and  felt  strengthened  for  tlie  work  ot 
a  missionary,  which  is  speedily  to  begin;  blessed  be 
God  r  My  friends  are  alarmed  about  the  solitariness  of 
my  future  life,  and  my  tendency  to  melancholy  ;  but,  oh 
my  dearest  Lord !  thou  art  with  me,  thy  rod  and  thy 
staff  they  comfort  me.  I  go  on  thine  errand — and  I 
know  that  thou  art  and  wilt  be  with  me.  How  easily 
canst  thou  support  and  refresh  my  heart.  Ward  and 
Moore  visited  me  at  night. 


2   K 


498  LETTKR.  [1806 

Serampore^  Sept.  1806. 

How  earnestly  do  I  long  for  the  arrival  of  my  dearest 
Lydia.  Though  it  may  prove  at  last  no  more  than  a 
waking  dream  that  I  ever  expected  to  receive  you  in 
India,  the  hope  is  too  pleasing  not  to  be  cherished  till  I 
am  forbidden  any  longer  to  hope.  Till  I  am  assured  of 
the  contrary,  I  shall  find  a  pleasure  in  addressing  you  as 
my  own.  If  you  are  not  to  be  mine  you  will  pardon  me ;  . 
but  my  expectations  are  greatly  encouraged  by  the  words 
you  used  when  we  parted  at  Gurlyn,  that  I  had  better 
go  out  free,  implying  as  I  thought,  that  you  woidd  not  be 
unwilling  to  follow  me  if  I  shoidd  see  it  to  be  the  will  of 
God  to  make  the  request.  I  was  rgoiced  also  to  see  in 
your  letter  that  you  unite  your  name  with  mine  when 
you  pray  that  God  would  keep  us  both  in  the  path  of 
duty — from  this  I  infer  that  you  are  by  no  means  rfeter- 
mined  to  remain  separate  from  me.  You  will  not  sup- 
pose, my  dear  Lydia,  that  I  mention  these  little  things  to 
influence  your  conduct,  or  to  implicate  you  in  an  en- 
gagement.— ^No,  I  acknowledge  that  you  are  perfectly 
free — and  I  have  no  doubt  that  you  will  act  as  the  love 
and  wisdom  of  our  God  shall  direct.  Your  heart  is  far 
less  interested  in  this  business  than  mine,  in  all  proba- 
bility ;  and  this  on  one  account  I  do  not  regret,  as  you 
will  be  able  to  see  more  clearly  the  directions  of  God's 
Providence.  About  a  fortnight  ago  I  sent  you  a  letter 
accompanying  the  duplicate  of  .the  one  sent  over-land  in 
August.  If  these  shall  have  arrived  safe,  you  will  perhaps 
have  left  England  before  this  reaches  it.  But  if  not,  let 
me  intreat  you  to  delay  not  a  moment.  Yet  how  will 
my  dear  sister  Emma  be  able  to  part  with  you  and 
George — but  above  all  your  mother  ?  I  feel  very  much 
for  you  and  for  them — but  I  have  no  doubt  at  all  about 
your  health  and  happiness  in  this  country. 

The  commander-in-chief  has  at  last  appointed  me  to 
the  station  of  Dinapore,  near  Patna,  and  I  shall  accord- 
ingly take  my  departure  for  that  place  as  soon  as  I  can 
make  the  necessary  preparations.  It  is  ftot  exactly  the 
situation  I  wished  for — though  in  a  temporal  point  of 


1806]  LETTER..  499 

view  it  is  desirable  enough.  The  air  is  good,  the  living 
cheap,  the  salary  lOOOZ.  a  year— «nd  ther^  is  a  large 
body  of  English  troops  there.  But  I  should  have  pre- 
ferred being  near  Benares,  the  heart  of  Hindooism. 
We  rejoice  to  hear  that  two  other  brethren  are  arrived  at 
Madras  on  their  way  to  Bengal,  sent,  I  trust,  by  the  Lord 
to  co-operate  in  overturning  the  kingdom  of  Satan  in 
these  regions.  They  are  Corrieand  Parsons,  both  Bengal 
chaplains.  Their  stations  will  be  Benares  and  Moor- 
shedabed-^one  on  one  side  of  me,  and  the  other  on  the 
other.  There  are  also  now  ten  Baptist  missionaries 
at  Serampore.  Surely  good  is  intended  for  this 
country ! 

Captain  Wickes, — the  good  old  Captain  Wickes,  who 
has  brought  out  so  many  missionaries  to  India,  is  now 
here.  He  reminds  me  of  Uncle  S.  I  have  been  just  in- 
terrupted by  the  blaze  of  a  funeral  pile,  within  a  hundred 
yards  of  my  pagoda — I  ran  out — but  the  wretched  wo- 
man had  consigned  herself  to  the  flames  before  I  reached 
the  spot — and  I  saw  only  the  remains  of  her  and  her 
husband.  O  Lord,  how  long  shall  it  be?  O  I  shall 
have  no  rest  in  my  spirit  till  my  tongue  is  loosed  to  tes- 
tify against  the  devil,  and  deliver  the  message  of  God  to 
these  his  unhappy  bond-slaves.  I  stammered  out  some- 
thing to  the  wicked  Brahmins  about  the  judgments  of 
God  upon  them  for  the  murder  they  had  just  committed, 
but  they  said  it  was  an  act  of  her  own  freewill.  Someoif 
the  missionaries  would  have  been  there,*but  they  are  for- 
bidden by  the  governor-general  to  preach  to  the  natives 
in  the  British  territory.  Unless  this  prohibition  is  re- 
voked by  an  order  from  home  it  will  amount  to  a  total 
suppression  of  the  mission. 

I  know  of  nothing  else  that  will  give  you  a  further 
idea  of  the  state  of  things  here.  The  two  ministers  con- 
tinue to  oppose  my  doctrines  with  unabated  virulence  ; 
but  they  think  not  that  they  fight  ?igainst  God.  My 
own  heart  is  at  present  cold  and  slothful.  Oh  that  my 
soul  did  burn  with  love  and  zeal !  Surely,  were  you 
here  I  should  act  with  more  cheerfulness  and  activity 

2   K  2 


500  journXl.  [1806 

with  so  bright  a  pattern  before  me.  If  Corrie  brings  me 
a  letter  froift  you,  and  the  fleet  is  not  sailed,  which  how- 
ever is  not  likely,  I  shall  write  to  you  again.  Colonel 
Sandys  will  receive  a  letter  from  me  and  Mr.  Brown  by 
this  fleet.  Continue  to  remember  me  in  your  prayers, 
as  a  weak  brother — I  shall  always  think  of  you  as  one  to 
be  loved  and  honoured. 

H.  Martyn. 

26.  Employed  as  usual  in  Hindoostanee ;  visited 
Marshman  at  night.  He  and  Mr.  Carey  sat  with  us  in 
the  evening.  My  heart  still  continuing  some  degree  of 
watchfulness,  but  enjoying  less  sweetness. 

27.  Mr.  Chamberlain  breakfasted  with  us;  I  was 
much  and  agreeably  surprised  with  his  Christian  simpli- 
city and  remarkable  zeal.  He  talked  to  us  a  good  deal 
in  an  encouraging  and  instructive  manner ;  spoke  also  to 
Yokul  in  Bengalke.  Went  down  to  Calcutta  with  Mr.  B. 
and  Parson,  reading  Sadi  by  the  way.  By  irregularity  in 
prayer  and  reading,  lost  much  of  my  comfort.  Rode 
out  on  the  course  in  the  evening  with  Parsons,  and  had 
some  useful  conversation  with  him. 

28.  (Sunday.)     Read  the  service  at  the  church  ;  L. 
preached  an  intemperate  sermon  against  the  doctrine  of . 
justification  by  faith.     At  night  Corrie  preached  at  the 
Mission  Church  on  2  Thess.  i.  ^'  the  Lord  Jesus  shall  be 
revealed,'*  &c. 

29.  Morning  passed  away  to  little  purpose,  busy  in 
making  preparations  for  my  departure.  In  the  afternoon 
preparing  sermon.  At  night  went  to  the  governor- 
general's  dinner,  and  found  myself  sitting  by  the  side  of 
Dr.  W. 

30.  Remained  all  day  at  Calcutta,  writing  sermon  and 
reading  with  moonshee. 

October  1.  Reading  with  moonshee  and  preparing 
sermon  -;  found  great  cause  to  pray  for  brotherly  love. 
Preached  at  night  at  the  Mission  Church  on  Eph.  ii.  4. 
Had  a  very  refreshing  conversation  with  Corrie  after- 
wards ;  we  wished  it  to  be  for  the  benefit  of  two  cadets, 


1806]  JOURNAL.  501 

who  supped  with  us,  and  I  hope  it  will  not  be  in  vain. 
May  the  Lord  be  pleased  to  make  me  act  with  a  single 
eye  to  his  glory.  How  easy  it  is  to  preach  about  Christ 
Jesus  the  Lord,  and  yet  to  preach  oneself. 

2..  After  reading  awhile  with  moonshee,  went  up  to 
Serampore  with  Mr.  B.  and  Corrie.  Corrie  officiated 
at  evening  worship  ;  my  soul  in  gener&l  sought  after  the 
enjoyments  of  another  world,  in  preference  to  any  con- 
versation with  the  creature,  but  was  cold  and  lifdess  in 
the  glorious  subject  of  the  mission. 

3.  Writing  on  a  divine  subject.  In  the  evening 
crossed  the  river  with  Corrie,  and  walked  over  Sir  G. 
Barlow's  park. 

4.  Went  to  Calcutta  with  Corrie,  and  at  night  went 
with  him  to  Mr.  Rolt's,  where  we  met  a  party  of  the  mis- 
sionaries ;  we  sang  several  hymns  and  prayed  ;  my  heart 
was  excited  by  their  exercises  to  spiritual*  activity 
and  joy. 

5.  Prayed  with  my  dear  brother  Corrie  this  morning  j 
afterwards  with  two  cadets  he  prayed.  At  the  New 
Church  I  read,  and  Mr.  J.  preached  2nd  and  3rd  parts  of 
the  Homily  on  Salvation.  The  very  clear  exhibition  of 
divine  truth,  which  was  thus  exhibited,  was  very  rejoic- 
ing to  our  hearts.  I  assisted  Mr.  L.  at  the  administra- 
tion of  the  Sacrament,  and  felt  somewhat  more  of  a 
tender  and  humble  spirit.  At  night  Corrie  preached  in- 
stead of  Parsons,  on  John  ii.  1,  2.  During  the  whole  of 
this  eveniilg^s  ordinance  my  soul  felt  the  greatness  and 
glory  of  God.  How  little  did  I  ever  know  of  his  great 
glory  !  with  what  irreverence  do  we  pray,  and  speak  the 
awful  name  I  My  soul  was  astonished  at  the  patience  of 
God  in  bearing  such  insults  as  he  must  do  from  the 
best.  But  all  the  salvation  of  men  is  a  miracle  of  grace ; 
God  will  shew  what  he  can  do  by  Jesus  Christ. 

6.  Was  left  alone  in  Calcutta,  and  passed  the  time 
with  moonshee,  and  writing.  At  night  drank  tea  at 
Mr.  Myers,  and  at  their  evening  worship  found  my 
heart  greatly  enlarged  in  prayer.  My  heart  continued  to 
enjoy  much  of  the  love  of  God.     In  the  morning  went 


502  JOURNAL.  [L806 

to  the  levee  with  Corrie  and  Pai:isons.  The  governor- 
general  was  as  marked  in  his  attention  as  could  be ; 
would  that  it  were  on  account  of  his  love  to  the  truth ! 

7.  Employed  as  usual;  long  conversations  with  the 
Mussulman,  moonshee,  and  Bholanath  the  Brahmin. 
Dined  at  Mr.  Myers\  and  oflSiciated  at  family  worship. 
Went  on  board  *some  budgero^s,  and  fixed  on  one 
belonging  to  Patna. 

8.  My  time  much  taken  up  with  settling  my  affairs, 
though  my  mind  through  mercy  not  much  distracted. 
Corrie  and  Parsons  came  from  Serampore.  At  night  I 
preached  at  the  Mission  Church,  on  Isaiah  lii.  7.  **  How 
beautiful  on  the  mountains,  &c/'  Was  much  grieved 
and  ashamed  at  the  extreme  coldness  with  which  I  could 
speak  on  so  precious  and  delightful  a  text.  We  had 
some  useful  conversation  after  church  with  the  cadets 
at  supper- ;  and  after  they  were  gone,  we  endeavoured 
to  fix  on  some  plan  of  constant  communication  with 
one  another. 

9.  Went  to  Serampore  with  Parsons  and  Corrie. 

10.  For  want  of  sleep  was  dull  and  dejected  all 
the  day,  yet  by  grace  enabled  to  strive  against  the  sin 
which  dwelleth  in  my  members,  so  as  to  be  in  tolerable 
peace.  At  night  the  missionaries,  &c.  met  us  at  the 
pagoda  for  the  purpose  of  commending  me  to  the  grace 
of  God.    (See  Memoir,  p.  191.)  /  - 

11.  Went  down  early  to  Calcutta.  Passed  the 
morning  in  preparing  things.  Spent  the  evening  at 
Mr.  Myers's.  Mr.  M.  read  and  prayed,  and  concluded 
with 'prayer.  The  blessed  God,  &c.  (See  Mem.  p.  191.) 

12.  (Sunday.)  Corrie  preached  at  the  New  Church, 
on  Gal.  vi.  14.  "  God  forbid  that  I  should  glory,''  &c.— ' 
God  be  praised  for  another  noble  witness  to  his  truth. 
Oh  may  abundant  gifts  and  grace  rest  on  my  beloved 
brother,  that  the  works  of  God  may  shew  themselves 
forth  in  him.  Mr.  Edmond  came  to  take  leave,  and 
shewed  me  some  letters  from  some  pious  soldiers,  sta- 
tioned at  Muttra  and  Cawnpore.  The  awful  fall  of  one 
of  them  occasioned  a  melancholy  apprehension  in  my 


1806]  JOURNAL.  503 

own  soul,  lest  I  also  should  fall  into  the  same  con- 
demnation. Lord  save  thy  servant  from  presumptuous 
sins.  At  night  I  took  my  leave  of  the  saints  in  Cal- 
cutta in  a  sermon  on  Acts  xx.  32.  But  how  very  far 
from  being  in  spirit  like  the  great  Apostle  !  After  pass- 
ing much  of  the  day  in  visiting  shops  and  taking  leave  of 
friends,  I  went  up  by  land  to  Barrackpore  with  Mr. 
Brown,  happy  in  general. 

14.  Wasted  much  time  in  insignificant  preparation. 
Corrie  came  to  me  in  the  afternoon  at  the  pagoda  and 
prayed  with  me. 

•15.  Took  my  leave  of  the  family  at  Aldeen  in 
morning  worship  ;  but  I  have  always  found  my  heart 
most  unable  to  be  tender  and  solemn,  when  occa- 
sions most  require  it.  At  eleven  I  set  off  in  a  budgerow 
with  Mr.  B.  Corrie,  and  Parsons.  Marshman  stfw  us 
as  we  passed  the  mission  house  and  could  not  help 
coming  aboard.  He  dined  with  us,  and  after  going 
on  a  little  way  left  us  with  a  prayer.  About  sun-set 
we  landed  at  the  house  of  the  former  French  Governor, 
and  walked  five  miles  through  villages  to  Chandemagore, 
where  we  waited  at  an  hotel  till  the  boats  came  up. 
With  the  French  host  I  found  a  liberty  I  could  not 
have  hoped  for  in  his  language,  and  was  so  enabled  to 
preach  ttie  gospel  to  him.  There  are  two  Italian  monks 
in  this  place,  who  say  mass  every  day.  I  wished  much 
to  visit  the  fathers,  if  there  had  been  time.  A  person 
of  Calcutta,  here  for  his  health,  troubled  us  with  his 
profaneness,  but  we  did  not  let  him  go  unwarned,  nor 
kept  back  the  counsel  of  God.  At  night  in  the  budge- 
row I  prayed  with  my  dear  brethren. 

16.  Rose  somewhat  dejected,  and  walked  on  to 
Chinsurah,  the  Dutch  settlement,  about  three  miles. 
There  we  breakfasted,  and  dined  with  Mr.  Forsyth,  the 
missionary.  We  all  enjoyed  great  happiness  in  the  pre- 
sence and  blessing  of  our  God.  Mr.  Forsyth  came  on 
with  us  from  Chinsurah,  till  we  stopped  at  sun-set  oppo- 
site Bandell,  a  Portuguese  settlement,  and  then  we  had 
divine  service.     I  prayed  and  found  my  heart  greatly 


504  LfiTTER.  [1806 

enlarged.  After  his  departure  our  conversation  was 
suitable  and  spiritual.  How  sweet  is  prayer  to  my  soul 
at  this  time.  I  seem  as  if  I  never  could  be  tired,  not 
only  of  spiritual  joys,  but  of  spiritual  employments, 
since  they  are  now  the  same. 

17.  My  dear  brethren,  on  account  of  the  bad  wea- 
ther, were  obliged  to  leave  me  to*day.  So  we  spent 
the  whole  morning,  &c.  (See  Mem.  p.  193.)  In  prayer 
I  was  very  far  from  a  state  of  seriousness  and  affection. 
Indeed  I  have  often  remarked,  that  I  have  never  yet 
prayed  comfortably  with  friends,  when  it  has  been  pre- 
ceded by  a  chapter  of  the  Revelation.  Perhaps  because  I 
depend  too  much  on  the  feelings  which  the  imagery  of 
that  book  excites,  instead  of  putting  myself  into  the 
hands  of  the  Spirit,  the  only  author  of  the  prayer  of 
faith.*  They  went  away  in  their  boat,  and  I  was  left 
alone  for  the  first  time,  with  none  but  natives.  (See 
Mem.  p.  193,  to  Oct.  23,  p.  198.) 

23.     Dispatched  my    hirkaru   to   Cutwa,     to    give 
notice  of  my  arrival  to  Mr.  Chamberlain.     In  the  even- 
ing arrived  there,  and  spent  some  hours  at  his  house, 
built  of  bamboo,  in  the  centre  of  a  solitary  garden. 
Every  thing  was  calculated  to  inspire  melancholy.     He 
had  evening  worship  in  Bengalee,  with  two  con-verted 
natives,  and  with  his  servant  and  mine.    I  received  from 
him  Ram  Boshoo's  tract  against   the  Brahmins,  and  a 
Bengalee  hymn  book.  At  night  he  walked  with  me  to  my 
budgerow.     After  breakfast  he  read  and  prayed;    he 
gave  me  a  particular  account  of  his  own  call  to  the  work 
of  a  missionary.     Before  we  parted  in  the  afternoon,  we 
sung,  and  I  prayed.     As  we  were  approaching  the  place 
where  he  intended,  after  leaving  me,  to  preach,  the  tow- 
rope  broke,  and  we  were  carried  down  the*  stream,  &c. 
(See  Mem.  p.  198—218.) 

Berhampore,  Oct.  27,  1806. 
My  dear  Sir, 
I    have    enjoyed    uninterrupted    health   and   spirits 
through  divine  mercy  till  to-day.     *     *     Why  did  not 


1806]  LETTER.  505 

I  write  from  Gazipore?  Why  because,  Sir,  I  could 
hear  of  no  such  place.  I  was  rather  anxious  about  your 
little  boat  the  day  you  left  me,  it  blew  so  violently.  As 
soon  as  you  were  out  of  sight,  the  men  laid  down  the 
rope,  and  would  not  track  any  more  for  the  day.  They 
were  about  to  put  back  into  a  nulla,  but  found  that  pre- 
occupied by  so  many  boats,  that  we  were  obliged  to  lie 
on  the  naked  ^hore,  exposed  to  the  direct  stream  and 
wind.  The  budgerow  made  a  good  deal  of  water  by 
beating  about  on  the  ground,  but  I  am  happy  to  say, 
she  has  not  leaked  since. 

18.  The  day  after  lay  to  in  a  nulla,  a  little  above 
Troksaugur. 

19.  The  first  solitary  sabbath  spent  among  the  hea- 
then, but  my  soul  not  forsaken  of  God.  I  think  some 
of  you  were  praying  for  me  that  day,  for  I  enjoyed 
almost  the  same  communion  with  you,  as  if  you  were 
present.    - 

20.  At  a  viUage  which  the  boatmen  said  was  Nud- 
dea,  (which  could  not  be  if  the  map  is  right,  in  placing 
it  the  other  side  of  the .  river,)  I  had  some  stammering 
conversation  with  a  Brahmin  at  the  worship  of  Dhoorga. 
He  disputed  with  great  heat,  and  Bis  tongue  ran  faster 
than  I  could  follow,  while  the  people  that  were  about  us 
shouted  applause.  But  I  continued  to  ask  questions 
without  making  any  remarks  upon  the  answers,  and 
among  the  rest,  could  not  help  enquiring  whether 
Marshman's  stories  about  Krishnoo  and  Brimha  stealing 
the  horse,  &c.  were  true.  He  confessed  the  truth  of 
them,  and  seemed  to  feel  the  consequences  which  I  for- 
bore to  press,  but  told  him  of  the  way  of  the  gospel. 
He  grew  quite  mild,  and  asked  me  at  last  with  apparent 
seriousness  what  I  thought  ?  Was  idol  worship  really 
true  or  false  ? 

21 .  Came  to  at  a  desert  place  on  the  eastern  bank. 

22.  In  my  morning  walk,  the  musalchee  brought 
an  old  fisherman  to,  and  was  about  with  all  arrogance 
to  make  a  requisition  of  his  fish  without  paying  for 
them.     The  old  man  was  overjoyed  at  receiving  money. 


506  LETTER.  [180j6 

I  recollected  your  advice,  and  threatened  to  send  them 
all  to  prison,  if  I  found  out  any  thing  of  the  sort  again. 
Passed  through  a  number  of  boats  preparing  to  com- 
mit the  effigies  of  Dhoorga  to  the  water.  Came  to  for 
the  night  near  Agaradeep,  where  I  walked*  The  women 
and  children  fled  at  the  sight  of  me. 

23.  Dispatched  my  hirkaru  to  Cutwa,  to  announce 
my  approach  to  Mr.  Cham];>erlainy  and  in  the  evening 
arrived  there  myself.  The  curious  appearance  of  the 
interior  of  his  bamboo  house,  seemed  to  mark  it  for  the 
residence  of  a  recluse.  In  the  garden  behind  there  was 
a  white  circular  building.  I  asked,  What  is  that  ?  The 
tomb  of  my  first  dear  wife.  I  strenuously  recoomiended 
him  to  demolish  it. 

24.  Mr.  Chamberlain  came  on  with  me  to  a  village 
called  Serampore.  We  passed  the  time  in  reading  and 
mutual  prayers  for  one  another,  and  for  you  all.  Thus 
once  more  I  received  that  refreshment  of  spirit  which 
comes  from  the  blessing  of  God  on  Christian  commu- 
nion. Just  before  we  parted  the  tow-rope  broke.  We 
were  carried  down  with  great  rapidity,  running  foul  of 
several  boats,  none  of  which  however  would  lend  any 
help.  The  mangee  and  his  assistant  at  last  jumped 
overboard,  and  succeeded  in  reaching  the  shore  with  the 
rope.  I  thought  there  was  great  danger,  and  therefore 
saw  reason  to  bless  God  for  the  deliverance. 

25.  Returning  to  the  boat  rather  later  than  usual, 
from  the  evening  walk,  saw  a  wild  boar  galloping 
parallel  to  the  river.  I  hadnot  a  gun  with  me,  or  I  might 
have  killed  him,  as  he  was  within  reach  of  a  fusee  baU. 

26.  Yesterday  I  again  enjoyed  a  happy  sabbath. 
Through  the  different  hours  of  the  day,  I  was  with  you 
in  spirit,  and  particularly  remembcd^ed  Mr.  Jefferies. 
All  I  suppose  are  still  loolung  anxiously  to  him. 

Tell  Marshman,  with  my  affectionate  remembrances, 
that  I  have  seriously  begun  the  Sanscrit  Grammar,  but 
cannot  say  whereabouts  I  am  in  it,  being  enveloped  at 
present  in  a  thick  cloud,  occasioned  by  the  counter  ope- 
rations of  Goor,  Ouddhi,  Loop,  Lop,  Look,  &e.  with  the 


1806]  LBTTER.  507 

exceptions,  limitations,  anomalies,  &c.  If  the  myste- 
ries I  meet  with  should  not  clear  up,  I  shall  trouble  him 
with  a  question  or  two  respecting  them. 

In  the  tract  in  the  Persian  character,  I  have  found  the 
inclosed  errata,  which  I  thought  it  right  to  send  to  Mr. 
Ward.  With  the  moonshee  I  have  began  to  translate 
the  Acts,  in  order  to  give  him  some  employment  when 
away  from  me.  I  wish  Mr.  Marshman  would  say  whe- 
ther this  man  can  be  of  any  use  in  going  on  with  the 
Arabic  Hindoo  translation,  and  if  so,  whether  he  shall 
proceed  with  the  Acts  and  Epistles,  or  take  some  part 
of  the  Old  Testament. 

The  servants  Continue  sufficiently  attentive.  The 
goat  yields  milk  enough  for  breakfast,  and  more  is  pro- 
cured every  day  from  the  shore.  The  toast  and  biscuits 
are  still  good.  Two  kids  were  met  with  at  Cutva. 
Besides  that,  my  gun*supplies  me  with  snipes,  minas, 
&c.  enough  to  make  a  change  with  the  curry. 

28.  Last  evening  after  writing  the  above,  I  looked 
round  the  cantonments  and  walked  into  the  hospital. 
While  I  was  talking  to  one  of  the  sick  a  surgeon  en- 
tered. Not  knowing  what  he  might  think  of  it,  I  went 
up  and  made  a  speech.  I  did  not  know  him,  but  I  was 
immediately  recognised  by  my  old  schoolfellow  and 
townsman,  Marshall,  for  whom  I  had  brought  letters. 
This  morning  I  went  at  daylight,  in  hopes  of  getting  the 
men  together  to  preach  to  them,  but  after  wandering 
through  the  wards  of  the  hospital,  I  could  not  make 
them  rise  and  assemble.  But  as  Marshall  says  that  at 
nine  they  will  be  together,  I  think  it  right-  to  wait  till 
then.  In  the  mean  time,  let  me  chide  you  for  letting 
me  find  no  letter  from  you  at  the  dak-house.      *      * 

Berhampore,  with  respect  to  appearance  at  least,  is 
the  finest  thing  I  have  seen  in  India.     After  waiting 
till  eleven  I  can  get  no  permission,  and  so  I  go  on   my 
way.     Remember  me  most  affectionately  to  aU. 
I  remain,  your's  most  truly, 

H.  Martyn. 

To  the  Rev.  D.  Broivn,  Calcutta. 


508  LETTERS.  [1806 

Rajemahl,  November  8,  1806. 
My  dear  Sir, 

At  Jungypoor  I  found  Mr.  C *s  letter,  and  re- 
ceived another  from  Mr.  R ,  the  commercial  resi- 
dent there,  offering  his  assistance,  and  inviting  me  to 
spend  the  day  with  him.  Accordingly  I  called  upon 
him,  intending  to  be  guided  by  circumstances,  but  found 
his  conversation  so  much  less  cordial  than  his  letter,  that 
I  concluded  his  invitation  must  have  been  purely  a  form, 
and  so  after  staying  two  hours  to  say  all  I  could,  I  took 
my  leave.  On  Sunday,  November  2,  we  entered  the 
Ganges,  and  arrived  at  Chandny  on  Monday.  I  found 
Messrs  Ellerton  and  Grant,  and  went^p  with  them  the 
next  day  to  Gomalty,  stopping  by  the  way  to  look  at 
one  of  their  schools.  The  cheerAil  faces  of  the  little 
boys  sitting  cross-legged  on  their  mats  round  the  floor, 
much  delighted  me.  While  they  displayed  their  powers 
of  reading,  their  fathers,  mothers,  &c.  crowded  in  great 
numbers  round  the  door  and  windows. 

Thursday  I  baptised  Mr.  C 's  child,  preached  and 

administered  the  Sacrament.  Sir  H.  V.  D.  who  was 
godfather,  stayed  to  hear  the  sermon>  but  did  not  com- 
municate. I  found  no  opportunity  of  a  private  conver- 
sation with  him,  though  I  sought  it.  Friday  I  left 
Gomalty  with  Mr.  Grant,  who  is  now  in  the  budgerow 
with  me,  and  to-day  we  arrived  at  Rajemahl. 

Your  letter,  together  with  Parson's  and  Corrie*s, 
reached  me  at  a  time  when  I  needed  spiritual  refresh- 
ment, and  they  had  the  effect  of  reviving  my  heart.  I 
hope  that  our  God  is  making  our  faith  and  love  to  grow 
exceedingly.  Glory  be  to  his  name,  that  he  is  with  us 
too  in  India.  We  may  surely  hope  that  something  good 
is  near  at  hand  for  the  heathen.  But  I  am  somewhat 
surprised  at  the  extraordinary  fear  and  unwillingness  of 
the  people  to  take  the  tracts.  I  have  at  this  place  again 
met  with  a  rebuff.  Only  one  person,  a  Brahmin,  would 
take  a  tract,  and  he,  I  believe,  chiefly  from  respect  to 
Mr.  Grant.  The  Dawk  moonshee,  when  he  found  what 
it  was  about,  returned  the  tract  he  had  received,  saying 


1806]  LETTERS.  509 

that  a  person,  who  had  his  legs  in  two  different  boats, 
went  on  his  way  unconafortably. 

I  wished  for  more  particulars  about  Jefferie^  sermon. 
I  wish  much  to  see  Buchanan  s  letter.  There  is  a  box 
of  books  in  a  corner  of  the  room  I  inhabited  at  the  col- 
lege for  Elliott  I  believe ;  will  you  be  so  good  as  to  for- 
ward it.  We  must  stay  no  longer.  With  much  affec- 
tion for  you  all, 

I  remain,  my  dear  Sir, 

Your's  in  the  best  of  bonds, 

H.  Martyn. 
To  the  Rev.  D.  Brovm^  Calcutta. 


MonghtTy  November  17,  1806. 
My  dear  Sir, 
I  am  now  within  eight  days  of  my  journey's  end,  and 
blessed  be  God,  in  perfect  health  and  spirits.  This 
mode  of  travelling  is  so  very  agreeable,  that  I  could 
almost  wish  I  had  farther  to  go.  At  the  different  vil- 
lages through  which  I  have  passed,  I  have  never  been 
able  to  leave  a  tract,  except  by  forcing  one  or  two  upon 
a  man,  till  Saturday  at  Jangheera  when  I  stood  in  the 
bazaar  and  gave  away  a  good  many.  Last  night  at 
another  village  finding  as  usual  that  no  one  could  read, 
I  inquired  if  there  was  no  Brahmin — ^There  was,  but  he 
was  gone  to  another  town — ^Then  give  him  these  when  he 
comes  back,  said  I,  putting  into  his  hand  a  few  tracts. 
This  morning  we  visited  the  hot  spring  in  our  way  to 
this  place.  After  examining  the  waters  and  listening 
with  due  attention  to  the  legendary  tale,  I  felt  a  desire  of 
leading  some  of  these  lame  and  impotent  folk  to  our 
Bethesda,  and  so  began  to  question  the  Surdar  Brahmin ; 
but  they  all  spoke  a  language  different  from  mine.  I 
see  from  this,  and  numberless  other  instances  that  I  shall 
have  almost  a  new  language  to  learn,  in  order  to  be  in- 
telligible to  the  lower  Hindoos.  But  to  return ;  not  find- 
ing utterance  I  began  to  speak  to  them  by  means  of 
Marshman's  paper,  and  gave  away  a  great  number  of 


510  JOURNAL.  [1806 

tracts*  They  followed  me  to  the  budgerow,  and  there  I 
gave  some  Testaments.  My  frtme  arrived  here  before  me, 
and  some  men  had  travelled  on  from  the  spring,  having 
heard  that  Sahib  was  giving  away  copies  of  the  Ra- 
mayonl  I  told  them  it  was  not  the  Ramayon,  but 
something  better,  and  parted  with  as  many  or  more  than 
I  could  spare.  One  poor  fellow  \vho  was  selling  gun- 
rods  begged  and  intreated  me  for  one,  after  I  had  re- 
fused to  give  *any  more,  even  with  tears.  So,  I  could 
not  hold  out — when  he  got  it,  he  clasped  it  with  rapture, 
still  thinking  it  to  be  the  Raraayon.  Thus,  the  word  of 
God  gets  the  honour  which  belongs  to  it,  from  persons 
who  do  not  intend  it,  as  our  Saviour  on  the  cross  had 
his  proper  titles  superscribed  by  a  person  who  meant  no 
such  thing.  They  scorned  the  tracts  because  they  were 
small — all  wanted  a  bura  kitab. 

At  Rajemahl,  where  I  wrote  my  last  letter  to  you  I 
met  with  some  of  the  hill  people,  and  took  down  in 
writing  a  few  names  of  things  in  their  language — abba 
is  father.  The  same  night  we  met  with  a  mangee,  or 
chief  of  one  of  the  hills — ^I  told  him  that  wicked  men 
when  they  die  go  downward  to  the  place  of  fire — ^but 
good  men  upward  to  God.  He  seemed  much  con- 
cerned at  the  former  truth  and  remained  pensive — no- 
thing gained  his  attention  but  that — which  he  repeated, 
go  to  a  place  of  fire !  They  sacrifice  buflfaloes,  goats, 
and  pigeons,  and  drink  the  blood.  Perhaps  this  uni- 
versal prevalence  of  sacrifices  jnay  be  used  at  last  for  the 
universal  conversion  of  the  world.  My  employment  at 
this  time  consists  chiefly  in  arranging  and  writing  on  the 
parables ; — these  I  hope  to  have  ready  by  the  time  the  chil- 
dren of  the  schools  are  able  to  read, — and  in  translating 
the  Acts  with  moonshee,  who  takes  great  delight  in  this 
work.  Sanscrit  sleeps  a  little,  though  I  am  daily  more 
convinced  of  the  absolute  necessity  of  it  in  order  to 
know  the  country  Hindoostanee.  I  wish  Marshman 
would  say  whether  we  can  be  of  any  use  in  helping  for- 
ward the  translations  by  taking  any  part.  Diffusion  of 
the  Scriptures  must   be   our  great    engine.      Happily 


1806]  JOURNAL.  511 

our  enemies  do  not  eqnal  us  in  generosity — no  Korans 
or  Ramayons  to  give  away. 

Let  me  beg  you  to  send  me  all  the  texts  that  are 
given  out  at  the  two  churches.  The  delightful  intelli- 
gence your  letter  contained  about  the  prosperity  of 
ministers  and  people  continues  to  refresh  my  soul,  and 
the  kind  remembrances  of  me  which  so  many  of  them 
make  in  their  prayers  are,  I  believe,-  drawing  down  the 
supplies  of  grace  which  I  need.  Dear  little  George  and 
Hannah  I  will  endeavour  to  remember  as  you  desire. 
May  the  Lord  take  them  for  his  own. 

My  most  affectionate  love  to  all  the  church  which  is  in 
your  house.     Greet  them  that  love  us  in  the  faith. 
I  remain,  my  very  dear  sir, 

Your's  in  everlasting  bonds, 

H.  Martyn. 

To  the  Rev.  D,  Brovm,  Calcutta, 


27.  Called  on  General  C.  this  morning,  and  dined 
at  his  Bungalow  at  night,  with  two  young  officers. 
Most  of  the  day  spent  with  moonshee  in  translating. 
My  spirit  frequently  overwhelmed  within  me  with  fear, 
on  account  of  the  greatness  and  difficulty  of  my  future 
w^ork ;  and  when  I  thought  of  Lydia,  I  almost  dreaded 
the  thoughts  of  her  being  introduced  into  such  a  life. 

28.  Breakfasted  with  General  C.  Passed  the  rest 
of  the  morning  in  translating.  Removed  in  the  after- 
noon to  the  barrack.  Throughout  the  day  greatly  de- 
pressed in  spirits,  but  in  my  evening  walk  my  drooping 
soul  was  visited  in  meditation  by  a  gracious  God.  He 
taught  me  to  see  more  clearly,  that  I  was  now  brought 
to  act  in  the  presence  of  God  and  Christ,  and  a  great 
cloud  of  witnesses ;  that  the  more  closely  I  walked  with 
God  the  more  unconcerned  I  should  be  about  the 
opinions  of  men,  whose  behaviour  sometimes  cuts  me 
to  the  heart ;  that  I  should  still  be  a  sweet  savour  unto 
God,  in  them  that  perish,  and  that  very  soon  I  should 
be  removed  to  that  happy  place  where  there  are  none 


512  LETTER,  [1806 

but  saints.  Reading  Hart's  hymn  on  Gethsemane  I  felt 
very  tenderly  aflFected.  The  Saviour  seemed  to  be  be- 
fore me  in  all  his  woes,  a  man  of  sorrows  and  acquainted 
with  grief.  How  little  have  I  ever  known  of  his  Spirit ! 
After  seeing  the  European  regiment  drawn  up,  I  felt  as 
I  used  to  feel  on  board  ship*  Though  I  have  such  an 
aversion  to  the  sight  of  my  own  countrymen,  because 
they  are  **  impudent  children,  and  stiflf  necked,"  yet 
Jesus  wept  over  Jerusalem.  Oh,  henceforward  let  me 
live  with  Christ  alone. 

29.  Employed  in  hearing  translation,  writing  to  Mr. 
Brown,  and  writing  a  sermon  on  a  parable.  In  this 
latter  was  much  assisted.  Oh,  I  know  the  more  I 
undertake  to  do  for  God,  the  more  I  shall  be  assisted 
to  do  for  him.  Was  in  general  much  dejected  through 
fear  and  unbelief;  but  in  my  evening  walk,  was  enabled 
to  keep  near  to  God,   in  comfort  and  peace.     Dined  at 

the  General's.     Called  in  my  way  on ,  who  was  as 

uncivil  to  me  as  he  well  could  be  ;  but  this  created  not 
the  smallest  uneasiness  in  me,  as  I  expected  it. 

Dinapore,  Nov.  29,  1806. 
My  dear  Sitt, 
Having  met  with  nothing  worth  mentioning  since  I 
last  wrote  to  you  from  Monghir,  I  sit  down  to  mention 
merely  that  I  arrived  here  in  safety  on  the  26th.  I 
wished  to  be  able  to  tell  you  that  I  was  comfortably 
settled,  and  that  has  been  the  occasion  of  my  delay. 
The  bustle  is  now  over,  and  I  am  now  quietly  seated  in 
my  apartment»at  the  barracks,  which  I  have  taken  at  50 
rupees  a  month  ;  but  General  Clarke  tells  me  I  must  not 
stay  here,  but  get  into  others  differently  situated  before 
the  hot  season.  It  is  hot  even  now ;  I  can  scarcely  bear 
any  thing  on  me  at  night,  though  in  the  budgerow  I 
passed  many  a  cold  night  for  want  of  clothes.  General 
Clarke  has  been  exceedingly  civil ;  on  account  of  Dr. 
Stacey's  absence,  he  seems  to  consider  himself  as  my 
only  friend,  and  so  has  invited  me  continually  to  his 
house.     On  Monday  I  propose  going  to  Patna  to  con- 


1806]  LKTTBR.  513 

suit  with  Mr.  Gladwin  about  getting  a  good  pundit,  for 
I  find  Gilchrist's  Hindoostanee  is  too  fine  to  be  under- 
stood by  any  but  the  servants  of  the  English.  A  Hindoo 
may  be  probably  able  to  teach  me  something  of  the 
language  of  the  villages.  Even  my  own  Hindoostanee 
I  speak  with  greater  hesitation  than  ever,  insomuch  that 
I  feel  reluctant  in  uttering  a  single  sentence !  yet  I  find 
by  the  translation  that  I  write  it  more  correcdy.  The 
sight  of  the  multitudes  at  Patna,  and  on  the  banks 
toward  this  place,  filled  me  with  astonishment  and  dread, 
from  which  I  have  not  yet  recovered ;  and  the  crowds 
in  the  bazar  here  have  had  no  tendency  to  diminish  it. 
What  shall  be  done  for  them  all  ?  I  feel  constrained  to 
pray  and  to  beg  your  prayers,  for  a  double,  yea,  for  a 
tenfold  portion  of  the  Spirit  to  make  me  equal  to  my 
work.  There  are  four  hundred  European  troops  here, 
and  forty-five  officers.  The  sight  of  these  men  recalls 
the  sorrowiul  remembrance  of  what  I  endured  on  board 
ship  from  my  disdainful  and  abandoned  countrymen 
among  the  military  ;  they  are  ''  impudent  children  and 
stiff-hearted/'  and  will  receive,  I  fear,  my  ministra- 
tions,  as  all  the  others  have  done,  with  scorn.  Yet  we 
are  unto  God  a  sweet  savour  even  in  them  that  perish. 
I  expected  without  a  doubt  to  find  a  letter  here  from 
you ;  and  perhaps  some  from  Europe.  I  shall  endea- 
vour for  the  future  to  expect  no  letters^  and  then  I  can- 
not be  disappointed. 

Let  me  know  when  a  ship  is  to  sail  for  Europe,  that  I 
may  get  my  letters  ready,  though  I  confess  I  am  very  loth 
to  give  an  hour  to  letter-writing,  when  life  is  slipping 
away,  and  I  have  done  nothing  yet  towards  this  im- 
mense work.  About  the  time  that  Corrie  and  Parsons 
are  leaving  you,  I  shall  have  a  great  list  of  books  and 
other  artides  ready,  but  I  cannot  recoUect  any  now. 
When  you  are  certified  of  my  arrival  here,  I  shall  hope 
for  letters  to  be  flowing  in  from  all  quarters.  But  I 
forget  the  resolution  recorded  at  the  top  of  the  page.  I 
remember  you  all  aflfectionately,  but  not  so  much  so  as 
I  ought.     A  brand  plucked  from  the  burning  ought  to 

2  L 


514  JOURNAL.  [1806 

love  and  honour  the  people  of  God  more.  Mrs.  Brown 
and  the  children  have  a  constant  place  in  my  prayers. 
My  kindest  love  to  them  all.  May  the  Lord  be  with 
my  two  dear  brethren  under  your  roof,  and  strengthen' 
their  hearts  and  their  hands,  so  will  they  work  wonders. 
Remember  me  very  kindly  to  all  the  missionaries,  and 
all  the  church  at  Calcutta. 

I  am,  my  dear  friend  and  brother. 

Yours  most  sincerely, 

H.  Marttn. 
To  the  Rev.  D.  firotm,  CalaUta. 

30.  (Sunday.)  By  the  order  of  the  General,  the  soldiers 
attended  in  one  of  the  barracks,  and  I  read  the  prayers  to 
them  upon  the  long  drum  ;  but  as  there  was  no  place 
for  them  to  sit  down,  I  was  desired  to  give  them  no  ser- 
mon. After  spending  some  comfortable  hours  in  read* 
ing  and  prayer,  in  my  rooms,  I  went  to  the  hospital 
and  had  some  conversation.  One  of  the  men  was  ex- 
ceedingly disrespectful,  but  through  grace  I  maintained 
my  temper  perfectly ;  there  were  several  books  among 
them,  but  none  reUgious.  After  dinner  I  carried  them 
eight  or  ten  ;  read  the  service  for  the  sick,  and  the  first 
part  of  Doddridge's  Rise  and  Progress,  which  was  much 
attended  to.  Walked  in  the  evening  with  moonshee, 
and  was  surprised  to  find  how  similar  the  disputes 
among  the  Mahometans  about  faith  and  works  are  to 
our  own.  He  perfectly  agreed  in  the  truth  that  all 
men  are  sinners  alike  before  God,  and  that  all  must  be 
saved  in  a  way  of  mere  mercy.  Nothing  but  the  exer- 
cise  of  continually  stirring  up  myself  to  diligence,  could 
have  kept  me  from  dejection  to-day  ;  but  I  prayed  that 
I  might  do  my  work  with  pleasure,  and  never  even  wish 
it  to  be  other  than  God  had  appointed  it ;  and  though  I 
am  far  enough  from  that  spirit,  a  blessing  attends  the 
very  prayers  for  it. 

Dec.  I .  Early  this  morning,  I  set  off  in  my  palan- 
quin for  Patna,  and  was  much  strengthened  inwaitlly  by 
reading  the  account  of  God's  delivering  his  people  from 


1806]  JOURNAL.  515 

Egypt.  I  wish  to  believe  that  he  will  marvellously  in- 
terfere for  the  deliverance  of  his  elect,  in  these  lands. 
Arrived  at  Mr.  G.'s  at  the  fort  in  Patna  about  noon, 
and  passed  most  of  the  day  with  him  very  agreeably. 
He  was  free  and  communicative  on  the  subject  of  re- 
ligion, and  I  felt  greatly  rejoiced  in  believing  that  there 
was  still  grace  in  his  heart.  Something  brought  the 
remembrance  of  my  dear  Lydia  so  powerfully  to  my 
mind  that  I  could  not  cease  thinking  of  her  for  a  mo- 
ment. I  know  not  when  my  reflections  seemed  to  turn 
so  fondly  towards  her ;  at  the  same  time  I  scarcely  dare 
to  wish  her  to  come  to  this  country.  The  whole  country 
is  manifestly  disaffected.  I  was  struck  at  the  anger  and 
contempt  with  which  multitudes  of  the  natives  eyed  me 
in  my  palanquin. 

2.  Having  collected  what  information  I  could  obtain 
about  the  schools  in  Patna,  and  desired  Mr.  G.  to  get  a 
palanquin  for  me,  I  left  Patna,  and  in  my  way  back 
called  on  Mr.  D.>  the  Judge,  and  Mr.  F.  at  Bankipore. 
Mr,  F's.  conversation  with  me  about  the  natives  was 
again  a  great  trial  to  ray  spirit ;  but  in  the  multitude  of 
my  troubled  thoughts  I  still  saw  that  there  is  a  strong 
consolation  in  the  hope  set  before  us.  Let  men  do  their 
worst,  let  me  be  torn  to  pieces,  and  my  dear  L.  torn 
from  me ;  or  let  me  labour  for  fifty  years  amidst  scorn, 
and  never  seeing  one  soul  converted,  still  it  shall  not  be 
worse  for  my  soul,  in  eternity,  nor  worse  for  it  in  time. 
Though  the  heathen  rage  and  the  English  people  ima- 
gine a  vain  thing,  the  Lord  Jesus  who  controls  all 
events  is  my  friend,  my  master,  my  God,  my  all.  On 
the  Rock  of  Ages  when  I  feel  my  foot  rest,  my  head  is 
lifted  up  above  all  mine  enemies  round  about,  and  I 
sing,  yea  I  will  sing  praises  unto  the  Lord.  If  I  am 
not  much  mistaken,  sore  trials  are  awaiting  me  from 
without*  Yet  the  time  will  come,  when  they  will  be 
over.  Oh  what  sweet  refuge  to  the  weary  soul  does  the 
grave  appear.  There  the  wicked  cease  from  troubling, 
and  there  the  weary  are  at  rest.  Here  every  man  I  meet 
is  an  enemy ;  being  an  enemy  to  God,  he  is  an  enemy  to 

2  L  2 


516  LETTER.  [1806 

me  also  on  that  account ;  but  he  is  an  enemy  too  to 
me,  because  I  am  an  Englishman.  Oh  what  a  place 
must  heaven  be,  where  there  are  none  but  friends. 
England  appears  almost  a  heaven  upon  earth,  because 
there  one  is  not  viewed  as  an  unjust  intruder  ;  but, 
oh  !  the  heaven  of  my  God !  the  general  assembly  of 
the  first-bom,  the  spirits  of  the  just  made  perfect,  and 
Jesus !  Oh,  let  me  for  a  little  moment  labour  and  suffer 
reproach  !  Reached  Dinapore  about  the  middle  of  the 
day ;  at  the  bottom  full  of  despondency  and  unbelief, 
though  upheld,  as  it  were  at  the  moment  of  falling,  by 
the  hand  of  God.  '^  When  I  said  my  foot  slippeth,  thy 
mercy,  O  Lord  1  held  me  up."  Passed  the  afternoon 
about  Acts  viii.  with  moonshee. 

3.  Passed  the  day  in  the  usual  employment ;  in  the 
evening,  after  a  melancholy  walk,  I  returned  very  much 
depressed  in  spirits,  when  I  found  letters  from  Mr. 
Brown,  Corrie,  Parsons,  and  Thompson.  Encouraging 
letters  from  four  ministers  in  India  ought,  I  am  sure,  to 
excite  my  fervent  affection  to  the  blessed  God  and  to 
strengthen  my  faith.  Wrote  to  Mr.  Brown,  Parsons, 
and  Corrie. 

Dinapore,  Dec.  3,  1806. 
My  Dear  Sir, 
From  a  solitary  walk  on  the  banks  of  the  river,  I  had 
just  returned  to  my  dreary  rooms,  and  with  the  reflec- 
tion that  just  at  this  tin)e  of  the  day  I  could  be  thankful 
for  a  companion,  was  taking  up  the  flute  to  remind  my- 
self of  your  social  meetings  in  worship!  when  your  two 
packages  of  letters,  which  had  arrived  in  my  absence^ 
were  brought  to  me.  For  the  contents  of  them,  all  I 
can  say  is,  bless  the  Lord,  O  my  soul  1  and  all  that  is 
within  me  bless  his  holy  name  1  The  arrival  of  another 
dear  brother,  and  the  joy  you  so  largely  partake  of  in 
fellowship  with  Grod  and  with  one  another,  act  as  a 
cordial  to  my  soul.  They  shew  me  what  I  want  to 
learn,  that  the  Lord  God  Omnipotent  reigneth — and 
that  they  that  keep  the  faith  of  Jesus  are  those  only 


1806]  LBTTBR.  517 

whom  Go(i  visits  with  his  strong  consolations.  I  want 
to  keep  in  view  that  our  God  is  the  God  of  the  whole 
earth — and  that  the  heathen  are  given  to  his  exalted 
Son,  the  uttermost  parts  of  the  earth  for  a  possession. 

I  have  now  made  my  caUs  and  delivered  my  letters, 
and  the  result  of  my  observations  upon  whom  and  what 
I  have  seen  is  that  I  stand  alone.  Not  one  voice  is 
heard  saying,  I  wish  you  good  luck  in  the  name  of  the 
Lord ;  not  one  kind  thought  towards  me  for  the  truth's 
sake.  Sunday  morning,  by  the  general's  order,  the  men 
were  ordered  to  attend  at  one  of  the  barracks,  where  the 
only  article  of  ecclesiastical  furniture  was  a  long  drum. 
On  this  I  read  prayers,  but  as  there  was  no  seat  for  any 
one  I  was  desired  not  to  detain  them  by  a  sermon. 
Monday  I  went  without  any  introduction  to  Mr.  G. 
and  by  the  influence  of  yoqr  name  found  a  very  kind 
reception;  I  spent  the  day  him  with  very  agreeably,  talking 
about  Persian,  Hindoostanee,  &c.,  but  chiefly  about 
religion.  He  evidently  did  not  speak  about  it  merely  in 
compliment  to  me,  for  many  times  he  chose  the  subject 
himself.  He  made  me  a  present  of  his  works,  promises 
to  get  a  good  pundit ;  and  what  is  best  of  all,  has 
almost  engaged  to  undertake  a  Persian  translation  of  the 
New  Testament.  He  begs  to  know  if  you  have  got 
chapter  1 3  of  Matthew,  which  Mr.  Chambers  translated 
—and  desires  the  missionaries  to  send  him  a  copy  of 
every  thing  they  have  printed.  On  my  way  back  I 
called  on  the  judge,  and  offered  to  come  over  to  Banki- 
pore  to  ofliciate  to  them  on  the  Sabbath.  They  are 
going  to  take  this  into  consideration. 

I  have  found  out  two  schools  in  Dinapore.  The 
masters  have  waited  on  me  with  specimens  of  their 
Nagree  writing — the  Devu  Nagree  tracts  they  could  not 
read  at  all — the  common  Nagree  of  the  Testament  they 
could  make  out  pretty  well.  I  shall  set  on  foot  one  or 
two  schools  here  without  delay,  and  by  the  time  the  scho- 
lars are  able  to  read  we  can  get  books  ready  for  them. 

Since  I  began  this  letter  I  have  been  chiefly  thinking 
of  Hannah.    You  have  indeed   good  reason  for  sup- 


518  JOURNAL.  [1806 

posing  that  God  hath  loved  her.  Dear  child !  if  she 
should  be  at  this  time  taken  to  his  glory,  I  could  almost 
envy  her  lot  in  being  removed  from  a  world  of  sin  and 
sorrow  so  soon.  Give  my  love  to  her — I  hope  we  shall 
see  together  that  great  and  glorious  day  which  Jesus  has 
made. 

I  hasten  to  write  a  few  lines  to  each  of  my  brethren, 
who  have  so  kindly  remembered  me— and  therefore,  I 
conclude.  You  do  not  mention  Mrs.  Brown  in  any  of 
your  letters — I  do  not  know  why  ;  I  am  sure  she  sends 
her  love  to  me.  Believe  me  to  be,  my  very  dear  sir, 
your  s  most  affectionately, 

H.  Martyn. 

December  5.  I  have  received  my  arrears  of  pay — ^but 
the  pay-master  requires  a  certificate  from  Mr.  Hall, 
which  I  beg  you  to  direct  B  ■  ■  ■  ■  to  get.  How  shall 
I  send  this  money  to  you?  Let  me  know  as  soon 
as  possible,  as  perhaps  I  may  get  robbed  of  all  this 
cash.  Robberies  are  so  frequent  here  that  every  officer 
is  obliged  to  keep  a  choukardar — I  have  one  in  my 
verandfidi. 

4.  Called  on  the  general,  and  met  a  very  large  party 
of  oflicers  ;  afterwards  on  Dr.  S.  and  spent  the  whole 
morning  with  him,  receiving  instructions,  &c.  Looked 
at  a  bungalow  with  him,  which  I  think  of  buying.  Had 
much  conversation  with  him  on  the  late  proceedings 
against  Mr.  Brown.  Received  in  the  afternoon  By thner's 
Lyra  Prophetica  from  Mr.  Gladwin,  and  sent  him  the 
first  volume  of  the  Ramayon.  After  finishing  Acts  viii. 
with  moonshee,  I  wrote  to  Mr.  Udney.  Still  full  of 
fears  and  unbelief,  and  despondency,  till  towards  evening, 
when  my  soul  was  blessed  with  the  Divine  presence. 

5.  Low  spirited  about  my  work  ;  I  seem  to  be  at  a 
stand,  not  knowing  what  course  to  take,  as  I  have  yet 
no  means  of  learning  the  language  of  the  place,  nor  of 
setting  on  foot  schools.  Morning  spent  in  transacting 
temporal  business.     Afternoon  with  moonshee.     Wrote 


1806]  JOURNAL.  519 

to  Thompson,  and  finished  a  sermon.     Proceeded  once 
more  with  the  parables. 

6.  Employed  in  translation  and  parables.  Dr.  S. 
called  and  went  with  me  to  a  Europe  shop.  Moonshee 
walked  with  me  in  the  evening,  and  tried  my  temper  ex- 
ceedingly by  his  Mahometan  bigotry.  I  was  obliged  to 
lift  up  my  heart  to  Grod  continually,  that  he  would 
enable  me  in  patience  to  possess  my  soul.  The  only 
relief  my  spirit  finds,  while  I  witness  the  stubborn  super- 
stition of  people,  is  to  cast  my  care  upon  God.  It  is 
His  own  blessed  cause. 

7.  (Sunday.)  At  10  o'clock  read  the  church 
service  in  one  of  the  barracks,  to  a  tolerable  congrega* 
tion,  and  preached  on  Luke  x.  2.  There  was  a  very 
solemn  attention,  and  if  I  am  not  mistaken,  some  of  their 
consciences  were  touched.  In  the  afternoon  read  prayers, 
and  another  section  of  Doddridge  at  the  hospital ;  still 
the  most  devout  attention  ;  no  appearance  of  ridicule ; 
afterwards  baptized  a  child.  In  the  morning  the  Lord 
favoured  me  with  a  very  happy  season  of  prayer.  Oh 
that  I  could  always  thus  abide  with  God,  apart  from  the 
world.  **  Great  peace  have  they  that  love  thy  law." 
By  the  little  I  know,  I  am  persuaded,  that  there  is  a 
peace  which  passeth  all  understanding,  a  peace  such  as 
Christ  enjoyed  himself,  and  such  as  he  will  give  his 
people ;  but  the  rest  of  the  day  I  could  not  maintain 
that  sense  of  the  Divine  presence. 

8.  Was  much  helped  in  my  work  of  the  parables. 
Blessed  be  God  1  Employed  about  them  all  day,  till  late 
at  night,  and  in  general  cheerftd  in  my  spirit. 

9.  A  pundit  came  to  me  to-day,  and  translated 
some  Hindoostanee  stories  into  the  dialect  of  Bahar  and 
Sanscrit.  By  his  advice  I  resumed  the  Sanscrit  gram- 
mar, as  the  shortest  way  of  coming  at  the  Bhakha  of  all 
parts  of  India.     Read  hard  in  it  all  the  rest  of  the  day. 

10.  Began  the  work  of  translating  the  parables  into 
the  Bahar  dialect.  I  left  the  moonshee  and  pundit  to- 
gether to  execute  it.  The  moonshee  from  his  Rekhtu 
version   explained  it  to   the  pundit,  who   accordingly 


520  JOURNAL.  [1806 

wrote  it  down  in  the  village  dialect.  The  moonshee  ob- 
served to  me  at  night,  &c.  See  Memoir,  p.  224.  While 
they  were  at  work  I  called  on  the  two  commanding 
officers  of  the  native  and  European  r^ment  here.  The 
colonel  I  found  to  be  a  most  intelligent  man,  who  had 
seen  a  great  deal  of  Europe  and  India.  Knowing  my 
object,  he  began  to  talk  about  the  Christian  churches  he 
had  seen,  and  gave  me  a  great  deal  of  information  about 
missions  and  Roman  Catholic  churches  in  all  parts  of 
India,  of  which  I  had  no  notion.  I  accordingly  went  to 
my  quarters  and  drew  up  a  Latin  letter,  which  I  thought 
of  sending  to  all  the  Roman  Catholic  missionaries  round 
me,  containing  all  necessary  questions.  Called  at  the 
hospital  and  barracks  to  inquire  about  the  men  who  could 
sing.  The  pundit's  question  raises  my  hopes.  It  is  an 
instance  of  the  truth  striking  the  mind.  The  Lord  be 
praised,  may  he  speedily -make  bare  his  holy  arm  I  A 
dream  last  night  was  so  like  reality,  and  the  impression 
after  it  was  so  deep  upon  my  spirits,  that  I  must  record 
the  date  of  it.  It  was  about  Lydia  ;  I  dreamt  that  she 
was  arrived,  but  that  after  some  conversation  I  said  to  her, 
*  I  know  this  is  a  dream»  it  is  too  soon  after  my  letter  for 
you  to  have  come.'  Alas  I  it  is  only  a  dream ;  and  with 
this  I  awoke,  and  sighed  to  think  that  it  was  indeed  only 
a  dream.  Perhaps  all  my  hope  about  her  is  but  a  dream  I 
Yet,  be  it  so  !  whatever  God  shall  appoint  must  be  good 
for  us  both,  and  with  that  I  will  endeavour  to  be  tran- 
quil and  happy,  pursuing  my  way  through  the  wilder- 
ness with  equd  steadiness,  whether  with  or  without  a 
companion. 

11.  Going  on  in  Sanscrit,  and  set  the  moonshee  to 
work  on  the  parables.  In  the  afternoon  wrote  out  two 
letters  for  the  missionaries.  In  the  evening  had  a 
happy  and  refreshing  season  of  prayer;  afterwards 
wrote  on  a  parable  in  Hindoostanee.  Much  time  went 
away,  by  my  thoughts  dwelling  with  fondness  on  the 
dear  friends  at  Dock,  and  retracing  my  former 
friendships. 

12.  Day  passed  in  the  usual  employments. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  521 

1 3.  Sent  letters  to  the  Roman  Catholic  missionanes  at 
Boglipore,  Bettra,  and  Agra.  Employed  in  endeavouring 
to  make  a  grammar  of  the  Bahar  dialect,  in  the  transla- 
tion of  the  parahles,  and  in  Sanscrit  grammar.  At 
night  began  a  sermon  on  the  Sacrament. 

14.  (Sunday.)  Service  performed  by  an  afker  order, 
at  10  o'clock.  The  general  was  present,  about  twenty 
officers,  and  some  of  their  ladies;  I  preached  on  the 
parable  of  the  tares  of  the  field.  Much  of  the  rest 
of  the  day  I  was  in  great  distraction,  owing  to  the 
incessant  recurrence  of  thoughts  about  Lydia.  My 
impatience  and  fear  respecting  her,  sometimes  rose 
to  such  a  height,  that  I  fdt  almost  as  at  Fal- 
mouth, when  I  was  leaving  Europe,  as  I  thought  to  see 
her  no  more.  But  in  the  evening  it  pleased  the  Lord  to 
shew  me  something  of  the  awful  nearness  of  the  world 
of  spirits,  and  the  unmeasurablt  importance  of  my  hav- 
ing my  thoughts  and  cares  devoted  to  my  missionary 
work.  Thus  I  obtained  peace.  I  prayed  in  smcerity 
and  fervor,  that  if  there  were  any  obstacle  in  the  sight 
of  God,  the  Lord  might  never  suffer  us  to  meet.  Offi- 
ciated at  the  hospital,  and  read  another  section  of  Dod- 
dridge ;  men  still  very  attentive. 

15.  Employed  the  morning  in  going  over,  with  the 
pundit,  some  of  the  parables  in  Baharee,  but  I  was 
somewhat  in  a  dilemma  to  determine  how  to  spread  the 
knowledge  of  the  truth,  when  I  found  by  his  account 
that  every  four  kos  the  language  changes,  and  by  the 
specimens  be  gave  me  of  sentences  in  the  dialects  across 
the  water  at  Gyan,  and  some  other  places,  they  appear  to 
differ  so  much,  that  a  book  in  one  dialect  would  be  unin- 
telligible to  those  of  another.  I  thought  it  best  for  the 
present  to  get  the  four  gospels  translated  respectively  in- 
to four  different  dialects,  so  that  the  whole  province  of 
Bahar  might  have  the  four  amongst  them,  and  to  add  to 
these  the  book  of  Grenesis,  some  of  the  Psalms,  the  ten 
commandments,  and  the  sermon  on  the  mount,  in  all  the 
dialects.  At  night  dined  with  Colonel  W.  and  met 
there  the  society  of  Dinapore ;  never  were  hours  so  mis- 


522  JOURNAL.  [1806 

spent.  I  had  no  conversation  with  them,  but  was  wit- 
ness to  their  general  levity.  Recdved  letters  from  dear 
Mr.  Simeon  and  dear  Sargent,  by  his  brother,  and  was 
greatly  refreshed.  How  sweet  the  delights  of  Christian 
friendship,  and  what  must  heaven  be — 1  very  often  say, 
— ^where  tiiere  are  none  but  humble  kind  and  holy  chU- 
dren  of  God.  Such  society  would  of  itself  be  heaven  to 
me  after  the  extreme  disgust  I  feel  at  the  ways  of 
worldly  people.  In  the  morning  my  soul  was  seemin^y 
in  an  enslaved  state,  but  the  third  chapter  of  Revelation 
came  home  with  awful  solemnity  to  my  soul ;  shall  I 
lose  my  crown  ?  No,  I  trust  though  grace  at  last  to 
overcome,  and  rise  conqueror  ov^  all. 

16.  Morning  with  Pundit  in  Sanscrit ;  afternoon  in 
hearing  a  parable  in  the  Bahar  dialect.  Continued  till 
late  at  night  writing  on  parable,  with  my  soul  much  im- 
pressed with  the  immeasurable  importance  of  my  work, 
and  the  wickedness  and  cruelty  of  wasting  a  moment, 
when  so  many  nations  are,  as  it  were,  waiting  till  I  do 
my  work.  Felt  eager  for  the  morning  to  come  again, 
that  I  might  resume  my  labour. 

17-  My  soul  a£EUcted  and  solemn  at  the  sense  of 
exceeding  sinfulness  ;  and  in  morning  prayer  as  on  the 
preceding  had  some  melting  of  spirit,  but  these  feelings 
were  short-lived.  Employed  all  day  in  writing  on  the 
parables.  Having  to  attend  a  frmeral  for  the  first  time, 
I  looked  round  the  monuments  of  the  burying  ground, 
and  felt  an  unusual  awe  at  the  sight  of  these  mementos 
of  mortality. 

18.  Employed  in  going  over  the  former  parable  with 
the  moonshees,  in  order  to  collect  Hindoostanee  words. 
Received  letters  from  Mr.  Brown,  Corrie,  Parsons, 
and  Marshman.  From  him  1  found  that  L.  had  pub- 
lished his  sermon,  a  piece  of  intelligence  which  much 
distiu-bed  me,  as  I  feared  it  might  be  the  occasion  of 
bringing  me  before  the  public,  and  distracting  my  time 
and  attention  from  my  missionary  work.  However, 
every  event  is  of  God.  He  will  cause  all  things  to  work 
together  for  good.     At  night  read  Sadi  with  moonshee, 


1806]  JOURNAL.  523 

and  was  not  a  little  surprised  at  the  pure  truth  being  so 
remarkably  written  there,  in  chapter  ii :  truly,  the  devil 
can  make  himself  appear  in  the  form  of  an  angel  of 
light,  and  teach  scriptural  truth  as  well  as  quote  it,  to 
serve  his  purposes.  Yet  I  do  not  find  any  thing  re- 
sembling pardon  through  Christ,  and  the  gift  of  the 
Holy  Ghost.  Precious,  precious  salvation  revealed  in  the 
word  1  ''  Thy  righteousness  is  an  everlasting  righteous-* 
ness,  and  thy  law  is  the  truth." 

19.  Morning  frittered  away  by  marrying  a  couple, 
and  calling  on  the  General,  &c.  I  requested  him  to  put 
a  stop  to  the  games  on  Sunday ;  as  on  the  last  Sunday 
I  had  spoken  without  e£Fect  to  some  men  who  were 
plajring  at  fives.  He  referred  to  Colonel  W.  At  night 
dined  at  Major  Y's. ;  I  came  away  most  grievously  un- 
easy at  spending  so  much  precious  time  so  disagreeably. 
Yet  this  is  the  poor  flock  over  which  I  am  appointed. 
The  Lord  help  me  to  care  for  them,  while  they  are  not 
caring  for  themselves  1  Most  of  to-day  spent  in  reading 
the  Bahar  parables,  and  writing  to  Marshman. 

20.  Reading  over  the  parables  with  the  Pundit  and 
moonshee,  in  order  to  find  out  the  peculiarities  of  the 
Bahar  verb,  which  seems  considerably  more  intricate 
than  the  common  Hindoostanee.  Afternoon  passed 
rather  profitably  in  conversation  with  the  Pundit  about 
the  Hindoo  superstitions,  and  method  of  learning  San- 
scrit. He  told  me  he  had  taught  Sir  G.  Barlow,  some 
Rajah,  and  200  Brahmins.  It  is  this  perhaps  that 
makes  him  so  proud,  for  he  and  my  moonshee  are  as  proud 
as  they  can  well  be.  While  giving  the  moonshee  the  first 
part  of  John  iii,  &c.  See  Memoir,  p.  223.  In  the  even- 
ing had  a  refreshing  season  in  prayer,  by  which  the  peace 
and  comfort  of  my  soul  were  much  increased.  Fixed  on 
a  spot  for  a  school. 

21.  (Sunday.)  Preached  to  a  good  number,  on 
1  Cor.  xi.  24 — 26 ;  not  much  fixed  attention  ;  the 
General  and  Dr.  S.  present,  but  Dr.  W.  not.  From 
the  length  of  the  service  without  any  interval  of  sing- 
ing, and  baptizing  a  child  after,  I  could  not  sit  or  stand 


524  JOURNAL.  [1806 

without  paini  and  seemed  quite  spent ;  but  having  re- 
cruited,  I  officiated  at  the  hospital,  and  found  the  men 
very  attentive.  Had  a  good  deal  of  conversation  with 
one  of  them,  a  shrewd  sort  of  man,  whose  pertness,  so 
offensive  to  one's  proud  feelings,  I  took  as  an  exercise  of 
patience  and  forbearance.  He  said  he  hated  that  me- 
thodistical  way  of  talking  about  the  heart,  &c,  but  said, 
however,  that  it  was  an  uncommon  thing  to  hear  any 
thing  of  this  kind  in  India,  and  that  after  a  few  more 
Sundays,  I  should  see  some  effect.  Received  a  letter 
from  the  missionary  at  Boglipore,  written  in  rather 
elegant  Latin,  and  requesting  assistance  to  get  a  pundit, 
as  he  had  but  just  arrived  in  the  country.  In  the  even- 
ing, after  a  solemn  season  of  prayer,  I  received  letters 

from  Europe,  one  from  Cousin  T ,  Emma,  Lydia, 

and  others.  The  torrent  of  vivid  affection  which  passed 
through  my  heart,  at  receiving  such  assurances  of  r^ard, 
continued  almost  without  intermission  for  four  hours. 
Yet  in  reflection  afterwards,  the  few  words  my  dearest 
Lydia  wrote,  turned  my  joy  into  tender  sympathy  with 
her.  Who  knows  what  hejr  heart  has  suffered !  After 
all,  our  God  is  our  best  portion ;  and  it  is  true  that  if  we 
are  never  permitted  to  meet,  we  shall  enjoy  blissftd  inter- 
course for  ever  in  glory. 

22.  Called  on  Colonel  W ,  and  delivered  what 

I  went  for,  which  was  to  excuse  myself  from  attending 
more  parties.  Usual  employment  of  the^parables.  Began 
to  translate  St.  John's  Epistles,  at  Marshman's  request. 
Thinking  far  too  much  of  dear  Lydia  all  day. 

23.  Sent  an  answer  to  the  missionary  at  Boglipore. 
All  the  morning  employed  with  pundit,  in  the  most 
unprofitable  way,  without  being  able  to  obtain  from  him 
one  single  ray  of  light  on  the  subject.  He  is  at  present 
utterly  unable  to  teach,  but  perhaps  all  the  rest  are  as 
bad.  I  do  not  know  that  my  patience  was  ever  more 
tried.  Went  on  the  rest  of  the  day  with  translations 
and  parables,  and  read  some  of  Micheen's  Elegy  with 
rooonshee,  and  gave  him  the  Hebrew  letters,  that  he 
may  be  able  to  read,  and  eventually  learn  Hebrew. 


1806]  JOURNAL.  52S 

Set  apart  the  chief  part  of  this  day  for  prayer,  with 
fasting ;  but  I  do  not  know  that  my  soul  got  much  good. 
Oh  what  need  have  I  to  be  stirred  up  by  the  spirit  of 
God,  to  exert  myself  in  prayer  1  Had  no  freedom  or 
power  in  prayer,  though  some  appearance  of  tenderness. 
Lydia  is  a  snare  to  me ;  I  think  of  her  so  incessantly, 
and  with  such  foolish  and  extravagant  fondness,  that 
my  heart  is  drawn  away  from  God  :  thought  at  night, 
can  that  be  true  love  which  is  other  than  God  would 
have  it?  No,  that  which  is  lawful  is ^ most  genuine, 
when  regulated  by  the  holy  law  of  God. 

25.  Preached  on  Tim.  i.  15.  to  a  large  congrega- 
tion.    The  General,  and  Drs.  W and  S were 

present,  and  the  latter  assisted  at  the  administration  of 
the  Sacrament.  Those  who  remained  at  the  Sacrament 
were  chiefly  ladies,  and  none  of  them  young  men.  My 
heart  still  entangled  with  this  idolatrous  affection,  and 
consequently  unhappy.  Sometimes  I  gained  deliver- 
ance from  it  for  a  short  time,  and  was  happy  in  the  love 
of  God.  How  awful  the  thought,  that  while  perishing 
millions  demand  n^  every  thought  and  care,  my  mind 
should  be  distracted  about  ^uch  an  extreme  trifle,  as  that 
of  my  own  comfort.  Oh,  let  me  at  last  have  done  with 
it,  and  the  merciful  God  save  me  from  departing  from 
him,  and  committing  that  horrible  crime  of  forsaking 
the  fountain  of  living  waters,  and  hewing  out  to  myse^ 
broken  cisterns. 

26.  More  unconcerned  about  this  present  world, 
and  consequently,  happier  all  day.  Emplojrments  as  usual. 

27.  StiU  peaceful  and  raised  above  my  carnal  and 

worlcUy  desires.     Called  on  Dr.  S ,  and  Captain 

S -,  about  purchasing  a  bungalow.     Perplexed  and 

unable  to  decide,  but  thought  with  increased  pleasure 
and  comfort  of  my  house  eternal  in  the  heavens.  Wrote 
sermon  in  the  evening,  and  was  much  assisted.  Pundit, 
moonshee,  and  myself,  still  employed  about  the  parables. 

28.  (Sunday.)  Preached  on  the  parable  of  the 
pounds.  There  was  a  greater  impression  than  I  have 
yet  observed ;  Dr.  S  was  present.     In  the  after- 


526  JOURNAL.  [1806 

noon,  and  at  the  hospital,  there  was  great  attention, 
while  I  went  on  with  Doddridge.  But  I  had  reason 
throughout  the  day,  to  groan  at  my  own  formality ;  was 
favoured  with  a  precious  season  of  prayer  in  the  evening. 

29.  Time  lost,  and  thoughts  distracted,  by  changing 

my  quarters.     Captain  S sat  with  me  a  long  time, 

persuading  me  to  buy  his  house.  I  had  prayed  for 
direction  in  this  business,  and  now  I  rejoice  to  think 
that  I  did  not  involve  myself  in  debt,  which  I  was  about 
to  do.  Reading  some  of  the  Epistle  of  St.  John,  to 
my  moonshee,  he  seemed  to  view  it  with  great  contempt ; 
so  far  above  tlie  wisdom  of  this  world  is  its  divine  sim- 
plicity :  it  is  only  when  the  soul  is  full  of  love,  that  it 
can  use  the  language  of  St.  John.  Some  fiery  darts  of 
infidelity  were  shot  into  my  mind  by  Satan,  but  by 
grace  the  shield  of  fitith  received  them.  At  night  fin- 
ished what  I  have  been  long  about,  the  account  of  the 
incarnation,  and  passion,  and  the  wisdom  and  necessity 
of  it,  and  also  a  statement  of  the  doctrine  of  the  Trinity. 
My  ovm  heart  was  moved,  by  simply  giving  a  narrative 
of  the  love  and  sufferings  of  Jesus ;  and  at  night  in 
prayer,  my  soul  was  raised  above  all  doubts,  and  above 
all  fears,  whether  this  doctrine  be  true,  and  whether  it 
shall  be  known  throughout  the  earth.  My  heart  was 
drawn  forth  to  praise  God  for  Christ,  to  praise  Christ 
for  his  love,  and  I  found  comfort  in  repeating  again  and 
again,  "  Worthy  is  the  Lamb  that  was  slain,  to  receive 
power,  and  riches,  and  wisdom,  and  strength,  and 
honour,  and  glory,  and  blessing  1 " 

30.  Employed  about  the  parables.    In  the  afternoon 

wrote  a  letter  to  brother .     Experienced  much  of 

the  presence  of  God  with  me  in  the  evening,  both  in 
prayer  and  singing  the  hymn,  *  Day  of  judgment,  day  of 
wonders,*  &c.  I  was  drawn  in  prayer,  especially  to 
worship  and  adore  the  great  Messiah,  and  to  feel  assured 
that  he  shall  reign.  If  his  blood  was  shed  for  his  peo- 
ple, what  a  very  small  and  trifling  thing  is  it,  for  mine 
to  be  shed  in  the  same  cause. 

31.  Received  this  morning  a  formal  note  from  Mr. 


1806]  JOURNAX.  527 

G.  to  inform  me  that  the  congregation  of  Dinapore 
were  very  well  satisfied  with  my  written  sermons,  but 
did  not  like  extempore  preaching.  My  carnal  nature 
was  exceedingly  roused  at  this.  I  thought  it  a  very 
indecent  interference  with  what  did  not  belong  to  them ; 
but  on  maturer  reflection  considered,  that  I  ought  to 
make  all  lawful  compliances  to  render  the  word  of  God 
acceptable.  In  the  evening  had  some  profitable  medita- 
tion and  prayer  on  the  occasion  of  the  close  of  the 
year,  and  felt  communion  with  the  saints  of  God  in  the 
world,  whose  minds  were  probably  turned  to  the  consi- 
deration of  the  same  awful  things. 


THE    END   OF   VOL.    I. 


L.  AND  O.  SBKLBT,  TBAMBS  OITTOir,   aURKST. 


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